While reading the new Daring Do, Rainbow nearly spills the hidden secret of her crush, nearly to the person she has it on. However, she has doubts of ever telling her, since a pony like Twilight Sparkle isn't made to mix with somebody like Rainbow herself.
But sometimes, what usually isn't possible, actually can be once you try it out. Rainbow and Twilight discover this with the help of friends, through a simple experiment.
Submission into the TwidDash Group Abandoned Fiction Challenge
Cover art by James Rye found here
Chapters (3)
Good story i must say!
Noooooo!
2843374
Completely legit, Ech!
2843374
Oh god...
The most glaring issue is that you suddenly switch from a third-person to a first-person point of view as soon as Rainbow is at her home. You really need to pick one and stick with it.
Due to the setup, I'd suggest sticking with the third person view that the story started with.
2843437 Legit, yes. Doesn't mean it should actually be there. That was one of the only things I edited out of the prompt.
2843489 Well I put a break there in order to do that, I figured that'd be enough.
Interesting... Make more!
2843682 The issue isn't about the suddenness of the transition, it is that the shift in narrative style is jarring. We go from a third-omni, being able to see into both characters' minds and views equally, to a first-limited, where we can only see from one character's view. This creates a sense of unevenness and it feels like you are forcing the readers into a different story. You could have accomplished the exact same plot without the point of view shift and it would have felt more consistent in flow and narration. Shifting to first-limited just feels like a cheap attempt at hiding Twilight's thoughts and feelings because we were already allowed to view them earlier in the story.
If you feel like you need to hide Twilight's perespective to keep the suspense up, then change the the story to strictly Dash's pov (you can use first or third person for this, but still need to use only one of them). But, if you intend to show us Twilight's perspective in addition to Dash's, then you cannot do so selectively without it feeling like a cheap attempt at creating suspense.
Again, the best thing to do is to pick one narrative perspective and stick with it throughout the story.
Still, the perspective shift is really the only thing I found worth criticizing.
2843989 Fair enough. I'll keep that in mind as I write the next chapter. Thanks for the feedback
I hated how it made a switch to First person
Take my name.
Take it!
Take my comment to!
and my fucks, take them!
And my favorite.
And my follow.
but please not my anus...
Good story, please continue.
*lies down in defeat from yet again not making the featured page* I am not jelous
....though you do write a pretty good story
2843374
I was laughing out loud for 5 minutes when I noticed this
other than the fact that rainbow might have some sexual issues and got too exited, it's a good story. really awaiting the next chapter.
This is interesting
i will give it a read
I just joined this site, and this story has given a great first impression!
Can't wait for chapter 2!
Oooooo! This looks fun!
Let's see what you got!
~Skeeter The Lurker
Frontpaged! :D
2849599 Oh wow! I didn't even notice that
2848381 Chapter 2 is in the works right now. Hopefully I could get it out by tonight!
2847669 Thanks, and welcome!
2847539 Good to hear!
2847451 Hopefully chapter 2 will be out tonight!
2846168 I never usually expect to get featured, I'm just as surprised as anybody else when it happens. Don't worry, you'll get there
2845683 Will do!
2845613 Woah! Thank you! You can keep the last thing though
2845195 Sorry to hear. I wanted to do it like that though, although I understand why people don't like the switch.
2843840 I certainly am! And props for the name, I love it!
2843004 Thanks!
2843374 You thought the exact same way I did when I first saw that. FYI, that was part of the prompt, not me
2849655
Well it did not kill the story for me yet. you do have something nice building up. and I do want to see more
2849655 I like this story
cant wait for more
So you said to point out errors xD
You flip 3rd person to first person at the break...
*were both connotates a plural subject.
ALRIGHT IS NOT A WORD. //ragequit
Use "all right"
*Third was skepticism. Nix the comma.
Do you mean "me"?
First off, you're in past tense, put you flip to present here.
>Taking pleasure in
>Pleased with
Interesting how those commas tend to slip away, huh?
Good Luck, I'll be watching this
-TCM
2850694
You're joking, right? It's a preference thing; are you trying to suggest altogether and already aren't words either? You knew what he was trying to say, so what's the big deal?
2850694 Thanks for the little grammar fixes, although to me alright is a word and I'm going to leave that alone. However, I'll fix those other little mistakes
Oh and Chapter 2 will be entirely the same POV, since I got some complains about switching.
2849655
Thanks! But how long till the next chapter?
No pressure though, I'm just asking...
2854199 FInishing it up now, should be out sometime today
hooves?
2855227
Heh... let us change that.
Not a bad chapter at all.
~Skeeter the Lurker
I guess your not to use to write pony fiction cause you let an other hand slip in your story:
2855359 Before coming here, I spent years writing fanfiction for teen titans and Sonic the Hedgehog. So little things like that still slip by me here and there.
“So you were like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?”
Dat pun...
Geez..
This... is going to be interesting.
other than the hands debackle, (which i've learned to ignore) it looks really really good. i really think this is going places.
This is pretty good! I like it.
2855227
No way! It was a completely intentional and awesome Beatles reference!
"I got blistahs on me fingahs!"
Very cute chapter! I love the fact that Rainbow's method had such emotion in it; it's nice to see her invested in making something work. Also, I can't wait to see what happens if they send each other letters to meet at different locations.
Have a great day!
MUST READ MOOOOOOOOORE
Strawberry Fields
I love that reference.
Hahahah! That ending! Beautiful!
I must say, this was a nice little fic to read.
Good luck with the contest!
~Skeeter the Lurker
2863318 What is that a reference to? I just made it up
2863324 Thanks buddy!
2863337
It's a Beatles song.
A VERY good song, no less.
And your welcome, too.
~Skeeter The Lurker
2863337
Unintentional?
It looked like it was a reference to this:
uh... This link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eeZcI4u0ZQg
I'm such a noob to embedded videos.
2850694 Due to this comment, I think this guy/girl wants you to get a high-class proofreader!
Did anyone else find it ironic that rainbow met twilight at twilight.
Just an observation.
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I feel bad for Rainbow here. So happy and excited, she forgot to do the one part of the whole experiment that would have made Twilight swoon... taking notes
Hopefully she'll be able to recite the important points from memory though.
And it feels like Twilight is walking around with a giant sword, thinking it's a pen, about to stab Rainbow in the heart while innocently conducting research.
I look forward to seeing how this precarious position plays out
2863337>>2863613
I'm sorry, I hope I don't sound like an arse when I say this, but. . .
These are not examples of Irony. Irony is the opposite of what one expected or meant, like how Dictionary.com says, "The irony of her reply, "How nice!" when I said I had to work all weekend." What you both have here is more fortuitous and coincidental than anything else.
Again, sorry if that comes across rude; meant more informatively.
This is a peeve of mine, how so many people call something ironic these days and being wrong, so the annoyance at it might have accidentally come through here.
However, I did enjoy the story! That was my only gripe.
Rarity and Fluttershy.... The new special forces. CIA, FBI. Or maybe SAS? We will never know...
