Wario was sitting at a table at a restaurant playing with a straw in a cup. He was bored again, and he had no money… again. He already tried two of the most common jobs that needed help in Ponyville, and both of them didn’t go very well. He was sitting, trying to think of any possible way he could make more money, when he overheard two mares talking at the table next to him.
“Hey, did you hear?” One asked the other. “One of the royal guards retired and they’re looking for a new one up in Canterlot Castle!”
“Yeah, I know! I hear it pays amazingly, too.” The other said. “I even hear that all you have to do is try out. I was told they were recruiting at the training facility.”
The gears in Wario’s head began to churn and whir, breaking all the cobwebs that were between them. He then thought of a brilliant idea: he would be a Canterlot guard.
“WAHAHA! I got it!” He cheered, sticking his finger up into the air. The whole restaurant went silent and everypony glared directly at the happy fat man, making him unnerved. Wario then slowly got out of his chair, laughed nervously, and made his way toward the exit. He ran into the “pull” door, which crunched his stomach and made him pass gas, and once outside, he made his way for the guard training facility. As for everypony in the restaurant, they passed out due to Wario’s flatulence.
Wario chugged along the road to the training facility, and once there, he ran inside the dark green building with not a care in the world, ready to register. At the registration desk, a white unicorn with a blue mane stood with a guard cap on.
“Hello, how may I help you at the guard training facility?” He asked the wobbling fat man heading toward him.
“Wadio wants to be guard!” He exclaimed to the unicorn, slamming his hands on the desk.
“Uhm… err… are… are you sure? It’s not an easy task to do!” The unicorn responded.
“No! Wadio wants to be guard! Wadio will be SUPA-GUARD!” He exclaimed as he arced his hands over his head, making a rainbow appear and sparkles fly on to the unicorn’s face. The unicorn wiped his face.
“Well… I suppose. Here, slip on this guard uniform and you will be transferred to Canterlot for your first test duty. My name’s Shining Armor if you need to seek me out.” Shining said as he handed Wario the guard outfit.
“Errrrr…” Wario groaned.
“Is there a problem?” Shining asked.
“Too small! Wadio need larger!” Wario complained.
“Oh, yes, quite, I can see that. Here, swap me.” Shining Armor said as he swapped the regular size for the “holy nuts who wears this” size. That’s what it said on the tag.
“Thank! Now how Wadio get to castle?” he asked.
“Just close your eyes real quick and I’ll get you there.” Shining assured.
Wario closed his eyes, and when he did, Shining’s horn began to glow. He then zapped Wario, teleporting him to Canterlot.
“This aughta be interesting…” Shining thought out loud.
Wario soon opened his eyes, and when he did, he was in front of three guards, all pegasi.
“Where Wadio? How Wadio get armor on? Why are armor so tight!?”
“So, you’re our next try out, huh? Well, it was better than the last one. You’re in Canterlot Castle, son! You’re either going home empty handed or with a big paycheck today. I’m the sergeant around here, and what I say goes! Got it?”
Wario was picking his nose.
“You hear me!?” The sergeant snapped.
“Oh! Yes, Wadio understands!”
“Now, the guard who retired’s position was right down the hall near the Princess of the Night’s chambers. All you have to do is stand there for an hour. Don’t. Move. A. Muscle. Got that? Do all that and you get paid. Somehow, no one’s been able to do it yet. Are you up to it?”
“Wadio will be da weenah!” He cheered as he began to run (rather, bounce) toward his designed corner and began to stand. The sergeant rubbed his head and looked toward another guard.
“I didn’t expect him to be that enthusiastic…” he said. “Oh well, let’s leave him to his duty and see how it goes.”
The sergeant and the other guards then exited the hallway, leaving Wario to his duties as royal guard. Wario didn’t even care that he was a royal guard, all he wanted was the money. He stood there, trying to concentrate on standing completely still for a full hour. It was only an hour. It was then that his stomach began to rumble.
“Rrrrrrr….” he mumbled. He was hungry. Wario doesn’t like it when he’s hungry. His stomach growled again, this time more loudly than before. Wario became angry and smacked his tummy lightly.
“Stupid! Shut up!” He angrily blurted. Suddenly, the gigantic door beside him slammed open violently, crashing into Wario.
“DOTH I HEAR HIM!?” Luna shouted as she emerged from the doorway. The door creaked back toward Luna, revealing a very aggravated Wario with a nose in very intense pain.
“Arrrr….” Wario groaned. But he remembered the sergeant’s orders and remained still. Luna then peeked behind the door and grew a grin that shot around the world.
“It doth be thou, oh glorious Wario!” Luna exclaimed as she fell upon the ground. Wario did not budge. “OH! But that suit of armor, can it be? Are thou… MY NEW GUARD!?”
Wario tried to speak without opening his mouth too wide. “Wadio… can’t… move… or he no gets money!”
Luna’s face went into a pondering position. “So, thou say that there can be absolutely no movement, no matter what?”
The Princess of the Night circled around the chubby Italian man a few times with a seductive look. Wario was quite unaffected, but she kept her act up.
“What horse doing…?” Wario asked.
“Well, since thou is not allowed to move…” Luna began as she swooped beside Wario and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “I can do whatever I desire with you… mmhmm hmm hmm.”
Wario began to sweat, only guessing what the crazy princess was about to pull.
“How about I…” Luna began as her face inched toward Wario’s. The poor fat man could not take it one second longer and roared in fear.
“WAAAAH!” He yelled as he ran blindly away. He looked back, but paid no attention to the window curtain in front of him. He hit it, and it engulfed his face, allowing him to not see his surroundings. He danced around for a little bit, and eventually tripped on the cloth, sending his massive weight out the window of the castle. Wario had no idea the castle rested on a cliff. He shouted a certain phrase as he fell all the way down to the ground.
“D’OOOOOH I MIIIIIIIIIISSED!”
I laughed reading that. I also read this while it was being made in google docs, but I think I was too late.
Okay, so Luna apparently has a major crush on Wario. That's...something.
3126213 Since I don't like Luna, I thought it would be amusing to me. It is.
Another hilarious failed attempt, keep at it Wario, you're a hero to us all!
3126216
Oh.
Why don't you like Luna?
And actually, I could see them making a strange but cute couple. Luna is a princess with tons of money who enjoys being playful. Wario is an adventuresome but lazy warrior who would treat Luna like a woman rather than a princess...once he stopped treating her like an animal.
3126227 It's mainly just me. I don't like her speech pattern, her design is inferior to Celestia in my honest opinion, and she has yet do something that makes me like her as a character of the show. Not to say other people can't like her, I just don't and found it funny to try and make her gaga for the fat guy.
3126234
What's wrong with Wario being fat? In the time period Luna comes from, heavier ponies were probably more attractive as a sign of being well fed, and thus well off. It actually makes logical sense.
3126234 I kind of agree with you though it's more in the sense that Luna has fans that refuse to see any wrong her in regardless of her past choices. Add to that the fact that it took until "Sleepless in Ponyville" for her to not get a pointless fan service cameo after her reintroduction and you've got a very overrated character that's only now being used properly. Hopefully the writers will give Luna more roles in Season 4.
3126221 Indeed he is. Oh Wario is there anything you can do that can't make us laugh?
3126295 Yeah but it's Wario. It's not the fat. I should've worded that differently, sorry.
3126301
I don't know. In his own way, Wario strikes me as being charmingly crude.
Wario should be the weena! HE ALWAYS WON MARIO KART 64!
3126328
You must have a very different definition of "charming" than most of us do.
But then again... hm....
3126826
Well, think of it this way. He's crude. He's rude. He's socially unacceptable. And he knows it. Technically, he's the ultimate bad boy. Now put that together with the fact that Luna's anachronistic perspective let's her find him physically appealing (Well fed, strong natural scent, thick muscle) and they can make a strange but cute couple...once Wario comes around to the idea of dating a pony.
3127185
Ah, but you forget. When it comes to warrioring, Wario is only truly effective against pirates, go-karts, and all-you-can-eat buffets.
3127364
Luna has easy solution to that.
Wario: Ahh...Wario no can fight them. They ninjas.
Luna: ...they are after the Royal Treasury.
Wario: Huh?
Luna: They want your money.
Wario: WARIO DESTROY THEM!
*Luna casts mental illusion so that Wario sees all enemies as pirates.*
3127409
It seems like it would be easier to just cast an illusion so that such villains appear to be chests of treasure and give Wario a sledgehammer.
3127521
Yeah, that works.
Wadio's butt still hurt from that fall.... stupid horse will pay for making Wadio lose money! D:<
I was speaking like Wario right before I noticed this fic had an update....I must be able to predict the future!!
*thinks intensely*
...nothing. Darn.
3126550 Not to mention the original Mario Party.