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Prologue - Never Trust Advertisements1,725 words
Job Application One: Sugarcube Corner1,141 words
Job Application Two: Equestrian Mail Service1,132 words
Job Application Three: Royal Guard1,192 words
Job Application Four: Animal Caretaker1,113 words

Job Application Two: Equestrian Mail Service

Wario woke up the next day with a gargantuan headache. The “incident” of yesterday’s job application left him with a mark on his big, round head. However, this didn’t slow Wario down, not even a bit, because after breakfast, he was out once again looking for a job in Ponyville. He looked from building to building, and after about an hour, he came across a building named “Equestrian Mail Service” with a “help wanted” sign on the front. Wario had already tried to be a mailman before, but it failed miserably and he ended up causing a nasty amount of damage to a resident’s house, or at least what was left of it. Maybe half a brick and a few ashes still remains, who knows? It was then that the gears in Wario’s head began to churn as he thought of something brilliant: If he doesn’t do the same mistake again, he could do it right and get the job!

“Wahaha! I got it! Wadio will be mailman! … Again!” He shouted as he stuck his finger in the air and ran inside. The mare at the desk lifted her googly eyes up and watched Wario run in like a doofus.

“Hiya, mister!” she said. “My name Derpy! What’s yours!?”

“I’ma Wadio!” he introduced

“Hiya, mister Wario! What can I do for you today!?” Derpy asked with an innocent smile.

“Wadio wants to be mailman!” Wario adamantly said, lightly bumping the desk.

“Oh, you saw our help wanted sign! I needed some time off from being mailmare. My wings hurt like heck, you know!?”

“Uhhh… yes.” Wario answered, not sure how to respond.

“Yeah! I know, right!? I think that we should all replace wings with rocket jets and fly like that! Anyway, do you know how to be a mail…person!?” Derpy asked. She sure did have a loud voice compared to even the pony that yelled at Wario yesterday for baking her a molten pile of slag.

“Wadio has been mailman before. Made mistake. Wadio learn from mistake and do good!” Wario said as he gave a thumbs up.

“Well, that's just super-swell! Here’s a mailbag, and since you don’t have any wings, just toss the mail to the doorsteps of the houses for earth ponies here on the ground! It’s mail day today anyway, so get started! If you do good, I’ll pay you and you’ll get the job!”

Wario liked the sound of those words. This will be a lot easier than baking a stupid pie. He was convinced this was his time to shine! Wario immediately grabbed the mail bag and raced for the door.

“Wadio will be best mailman ever!” He shouted. Before he ran out the door, though, he stopped in front of it in recollection of what happened yesterday. He began to pull on the door, but it wouldn’t open. Derpy looked at him oddly as he tugged on the door over and over again.

“Hey, Mister Wario!?” She called. Wario turned toward her, seeing her odd gesture.

“Yes?” He asked.

“It’s push.”

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Wario came up to the first street he was told to deliver to, fearing that nothing would go wrong. Yet, despite that feeling, he told himself to not toss newspapers through an open window and into the burning fireplace this time. Wario seemed confident in his abilities to deliver the paper this time, but when he approached the first house, the memories flooded back and he became a nervous wreck. He grabbed the paper from the bag and held it high in his hand.

“Just remember what Derpy say. Throw to doorstep. Throw. To. Doorstep.” Wario told himself as he aimed his shaking arm. The moment of truth was upon him now, and there was no turning back. He closed his eyes and tossed the paper forward. When he heard a little “thump” noise, he opened his eyes to see the paper sitting on the house’s front porch. A pony soon emerged and looked up at Wario.

“Hey, thanks, neighbor!” the stallion said as he grabbed the newspaper and headed back inside his home.

Wario looked at his hands in astonishment. He did it! He actually did it! The mail was delivered safely thanks to the one and only Wario! He began to build up a laugh until he was almost choking on his own laughs.

“WAHAHA! Wadio did it! Wadio is da weenah! No fires for Wadio today!” He yelled as he spun around. But then he realized something: he had another whole nine houses to deliver papers to, and with that, he depressingly sighed. “Why must money always be so hard to GET!? WAAAH!”

Wario soon approached the second house, which had barely any patio. This worried Wario, for if he missed, it would most likely be all over. His career would end before it started. Wario was going to have none of that, though. He aimed confidently and securely and launched the paper right in front of the door. The second pony proceeded to open the door, thank him, and walk back inside. Wario was finally getting into the swing of the mail business, and he was feelin’ good. No doorstep was even a match for Wario, as they all fell prey to his throwing skills of amazingness, awesomeness, and sexiness.

That is, until the last house. It was a little off the beaten path and a sign read “to Cranky Doodle Donkey’s house” not too far back. It wasn’t too intimidating, but the house was small and ominous. This was going to be Wario’s greatest challenge yet.

Wario steadied the paper in his hand and threw it. He knew by the force he threw it at that it was going hit the door hard, but then, something terrible happened: the door opened and a donkey emerged as the paper was flying at him. He ducked just in time with a gasp as the paper flew over his head and into the door, which lead straight to his living room. From there, it flew directly into a warm fireplace. A few seconds later, the paper rolled back out of the fireplace, catching the rug on fire and causing the donkey to begin screaming and running around within his house. The fire spread quickly, as well. Within thirty seconds, flames erupted from the whole living room, and they were soon going to spread into the kitchen.

Wario stared blankly at the scene he had just created: a near replica of what happened before. He was so angry that he couldn’t even yell in frustration. In fact, he could barely move! He did, however, say one thing:

“D’oh I missed!”

Author's Note:

dear princess

newspapers are still as flammable as wario remembers.

from wario.

ps: your sister sent wario letter. she is very strange.

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