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// Job Application Three: Royal Guard 
// Story: Wario's Moneytastic Adventures in Equestria 
// by Dunsparce 
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Wario was sitting at a table at a restaurant playing with a straw in a cup. He was bored again, and he had no money… again. He already tried two of the most common jobs that needed help in Ponyville, and both of them didn’t go very well. He was sitting, trying to think of any possible way he could make more money, when he overheard two mares talking at the table next to him.

“Hey, did you hear?” One asked the other. “One of the royal guards retired and they’re looking for a new one up in Canterlot Castle!”

“Yeah, I know! I hear it pays amazingly, too.” The other said. “I even hear that all you have to do is try out. I was told they were recruiting at the training facility.”

The gears in Wario’s head began to churn and whir, breaking all the cobwebs that were between them. He then thought of a brilliant idea: he would be a Canterlot guard.

“WAHAHA! I got it!” He cheered, sticking his finger up into the air. The whole restaurant went silent and everypony glared directly at the happy fat man, making him unnerved. Wario then slowly got out of his chair, laughed nervously, and made his way toward the exit. He ran into the “pull” door, which crunched his stomach and made him pass gas, and once outside, he made his way for the guard training facility. As for everypony in the restaurant, they passed out due to Wario’s flatulence. 





Wario chugged along the road to the training facility, and once there, he ran inside the dark green building with not a care in the world, ready to register. At the registration desk, a white unicorn with a blue mane stood with a guard cap on.

“Hello, how may I help you at the guard training facility?” He asked the wobbling fat man heading toward him.

“Wadio wants to be guard!” He exclaimed to the unicorn, slamming his hands on the desk.

“Uhm… err… are… are you sure? It’s not an easy task to do!” The unicorn responded.

“No! Wadio wants to be guard! Wadio will be SUPA-GUARD!” He exclaimed as he arced his hands over his head, making a rainbow appear and sparkles fly on to the unicorn’s face. The unicorn wiped his face.

“Well… I suppose. Here, slip on this guard uniform and you will be transferred to Canterlot for your first test duty. My name’s Shining Armor if you need to seek me out.” Shining said as he handed Wario the guard outfit.

“Errrrr…” Wario groaned.

“Is there a problem?” Shining asked.

“Too small! Wadio need larger!” Wario complained.

“Oh, yes, quite, I can see that. Here, swap me.” Shining Armor said as he swapped the regular size for the “holy nuts who wears this” size. That’s what it said on the tag.

“Thank! Now how Wadio get to castle?” he asked.

“Just close your eyes real quick and I’ll get you there.” Shining assured.

Wario closed his eyes, and when he did, Shining’s horn began to glow. He then zapped Wario, teleporting him to Canterlot.

“This aughta be interesting…” Shining thought out loud.





Wario soon opened his eyes, and when he did, he was in front of three guards, all pegasi.

“Where Wadio? How Wadio get armor on? Why are armor so tight!?”

“So, you’re our next try out, huh? Well, it was better than the last one. You’re in Canterlot Castle, son! You’re either going home empty handed or with a big paycheck today. I’m the sergeant around here, and what I say goes! Got it?”

Wario was picking his nose.

“You hear me!?” The sergeant snapped.

“Oh! Yes, Wadio understands!”

“Now, the guard who retired’s position was right down the hall near the Princess of the Night’s chambers. All you have to do is stand there for an hour. Don’t. Move. A. Muscle. Got that? Do all that and you get paid. Somehow, no one’s been able to do it yet. Are you up to it?”

“Wadio will be da weenah!” He cheered as he began to run (rather, bounce) toward his designed corner and began to stand. The sergeant rubbed his head and looked toward another guard.

“I didn’t expect him to be that enthusiastic…” he said. “Oh well, let’s leave him to his duty and see how it goes.”

The sergeant and the other guards then exited the hallway, leaving Wario to his duties as royal guard. Wario didn’t even care that he was a royal guard, all he wanted was the money. He stood there, trying to concentrate on standing completely still for a full hour. It was only an hour. It was then that his stomach began to rumble.

“Rrrrrrr….” he mumbled. He was hungry. Wario doesn’t like it when he’s hungry. His stomach growled again, this time more loudly than before. Wario became angry and smacked his tummy lightly.

“Stupid! Shut up!” He angrily blurted. Suddenly, the gigantic door beside him slammed open violently, crashing into Wario.

“DOTH I HEAR HIM!?” Luna shouted as she emerged from the doorway. The door creaked back toward Luna, revealing a very aggravated Wario with a nose in very intense pain.

“Arrrr….” Wario groaned. But he remembered the sergeant’s orders and remained still. Luna then peeked behind the door and grew a grin that shot around the world.

“It doth be thou, oh glorious Wario!” Luna exclaimed as she fell upon the ground. Wario did not budge. “OH! But that suit of armor, can it be? Are thou… MY NEW GUARD!?”

Wario tried to speak without opening his mouth too wide. “Wadio… can’t… move… or he no gets money!”

Luna’s face went into a pondering position. “So, thou say that there can be absolutely no movement, no matter what?”

The Princess of the Night circled around the chubby Italian man a few times with a seductive look. Wario was quite unaffected, but she kept her act up.

“What horse doing…?” Wario asked.

“Well, since thou is not allowed to move…” Luna began as she swooped beside Wario and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “I can do whatever I desire with you… mmhmm hmm hmm.”

Wario began to sweat, only guessing what the crazy princess was about to pull.

“How about I…” Luna began as her face inched toward Wario’s. The poor fat man could not take it one second longer and roared in fear.

“WAAAAH!” He yelled as he ran blindly away. He looked back, but paid no attention to the window curtain in front of him. He hit it, and it engulfed his face, allowing him to not see his surroundings. He danced around for a little bit, and eventually tripped on the cloth, sending his massive weight out the window of the castle. Wario had no idea the castle rested on a cliff. He shouted a certain phrase as he fell all the way down to the ground.

“D’OOOOOH I MIIIIIIIIIISSED!”