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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Who does that little bitch wind strider think he is? He has earned this story a hearty thumbs down from me
Pinkie Pie: as subtle as a train wreck...on a boat.
Wind Strider visits Rainbo--OOOOH MY!!
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I'm kinda liking him... What's wrong with him?
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Oh you know....
Just the HERESY of Raindow being anything other than a lesbian.
Also OC RAAAAAAGE!!!
Not that I overly care.
Okay, I'm going to break this up into pros and cons for the story. I'll get the cons out of the way first.
First of all, you're going a little too fast and heavy on the OCs. I'm only three chapters in. You already have one OC introduced and quickly shoehorned into a relationship with RD. That's... really bad without at least some character development first. Now we have another one named, an apparently significant one that's probably going to pop up later? Slow down. Please, for both your sake and the sake of those reading this story.
Second, pacing. You should really flesh situations out a little more. Some scenes you're doing fine in, but others you just completely burn through to get to the next scene. Also, the whole "new OC with basically no development already romantically entangled with a major character" thing. If it's supposed to be an offscreen thing, leave it there, with a few subtle nods here and there. If not, flesh the character out before you go any farther with it.
Last of all, tone. You went from a serious scene, straight into a lighthearted one, and then straight back into another serious scene, with no buildup. Unless the point is to be intentionally jarring, this is a major no-no for any story, because it knocks the reader out of their immersion in the story.
Now for the good. You do a pretty good job at writing a depressed character. Not many authors (even ones that have experienced depression) are very good at actually portraying it. You've got a few up moments for Twilight, which is something a lot of people don't realize occurs in actual, real depression.
You actually avoided exaggerating character traits, as evidenced by Big Mac. Many people take a character's notable traits and remove the less obvious ones. We know Big Mac's capable of carrying on longer conversation, at least when it's to family. People usually take his quietness (explicitly stated to be a result of social shyness) as the way he is all the time. This despite his occasional longer talks with those he's close to. I can congratulate you for grasping that concept of writing, avoiding the flanderizing of your characters.
Most importantly of all, in spite of my problems with it, I am still enjoying this story. That's key. Flaws can be learned from and corrected, but it requires actually being enjoyable in the first place. You make me want to know where this is going, I like the introduction of a side-conflict in this chapter, and the primary Twilight scenes have very little against them, and much going for them... Just, not so much the Wind Strider side-plot.
Overall, good story so far, though some details could use some touch-ups. I'm looking forward to seeing where this all goes.