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"The Metro has always been my home. Being raised underground, I've always wondered if there was somewhere untouched by the devastation, someplace that hadn't been atomized. I did not think I would live to see that day, but like with a lot of things, I was wrong." -Artyom
A Metro 2033 Crossover.
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Hmm... This seems like a fascinating read, if moderately confusing. (Alas, I would probably understand it better if I actually had Metro 2033.
)
Metro 2033, if I recall from TV Tropes right, is a survival-based FPS set up primarily in the metro tunnels of Russia after what amounts to World War III. Correct?
The Dark Ones... I forget their deal, but they try making peace, right? And that's what the insanity stuff's about?
I am quite honestly curious as to how you're going to handle this, as I don't think I've seen a crossover between something like this and FiM.
(Now all we need is an Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem crossover!)
And from what I can tell, this isn't going to be a total rehash of Metro 2033 with ponies. (Least favorite crossover type: Rehashes.)
Time will tell if this is going to be a rehash of FiM with Artyom.
Also, an unrelated curiosity: If this was posted on June 21st, how did you get seven views on June 19th?
Edit: On a completely unrelated note, I appear to have obtained the privilege of having this story's first review. Sweet.
2757343 I had this story made a few days before I submitted it. I also had some people look at it and give feedback, that's probably what those views are.
2757399
Thanks for that. I got confused over the conflicting data.
This is a bit hard to get into due to the writing - it's as if Artyrom always wants to do two things at once.
"Looking down, I regarded the fall. Glancing at my side, a skull seemed to be encouraging me. Looking back down, the fall couldn’t be more than a few feet. Swinging my legs over the edge, and putting my knife back into its pocket, I prepared to make the jump."
I used to do this and I can guarantee you its only purpose is to cut down on words, with all the consequences that come with it. It's pacing the story slightly faster while making it extremely confusing to read, which is a really bad combination. You don't need to describe a character looking in one direction or preparing to do something unless it's important, for whatever reason, so all I should be reading is "To my side, a skull was encouraging me. I regarded my fall. It couldn't be more than a few feet, so I put my knife away, swung my legs over the edge, and jumped."
Technical writing problems should never get in the way of the story. I hope you can overcome this when you get around to an editing pass. For now, though, it is good enough. I will see where this goes.
2758658 Were there other examples of this during the first two chapters?
This idea is very impressive and completely unique in honesty, so grants on that.
It can be slightly confusing at points, but entertaining very much so.
May I know, if Artyom is going to equestria somehow, will he be in pony form? If so...
PONY WITH AN AK47 TIME MOTHA BUCKAZ !!!
2761879 Artyom is going to remain a human
Good, it would be slightly ridiculous otherwise.
Well, could be a bit more engaging around the suspenseful and shocking moments but it was amusing none-the-less
ueh
*other approving noises*
"My town, the station of Timiryazevskaya,"
VDNH,no?
"The Tunnels ran miles under Russia’s surface."
Under all Russia?
2839206 holy shit
2839248 VDNH? are you referring to the All-Russia Exhibition Centre?
i don't think it is every specified just how far the tunnels went in detail. All I knew while playing was that the tunnels were really long
2840126
(Sorry)VDNKh is Artyoms home station in game and in book.
And i think you should play in Last Light.
2842183 It won't really make a difference now since Artyom is already on his way to Equestria.
2842177 Now that I research it a little more, you're right. VDNKh or Exhibition is where Artyom lives after a horde of rats take over Timiryazevskaya station. He is raised in Timiryazevskaya, and moves to VDNKh, which is where the dark one problem becomes apparent. Thanks for pointing that out.
It will be interesting how the ponies react to the sudden, merciless, violence of the mutants and how Artyom will inevitably have to kill them.
Damm, fluttershy is gonna be piiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed off if that happens
Please write more!
Eh I don't like how you made Artyom such I pushover. I get that he's a super nice guy and that first contact is rough but I would have at least shown dominance over the ponies instead of letting them throw me around and sneer disgustedly at me.
i would not be a pass over me i would have just fire a shot in the air to get there fucking heads down so i can shoot thos fuckers
3081802 Well, you're not Artyom, though
3114655 Yeah I am. In both 2033 and 2034 so yeah.
Good chapter my friend. Cannot wait for more.
Hi there, Dak. You know who I am and why I'm here, so let's get started. You say I should hold nothing back. I'll see what I can do.
The description looks pretty much fine, apart from he very last sentence. I don't think it's really relevant that this story will be shorter than one of your previous ones.
As anyone will, I'll start with the prologue. Points of view, I think, should not need to be explicitly stated; it can hurts immersion a bit. I notice that you use full stops when commas would be appropriate and that there's some instances of unusual wording in some places, which seems related to (and makes worse) the problem with the commas. On the flip side, some commas are placed incorrectly forming comma splices. Additionally, there are some instances of words starting with capital letters when they shouldn't and vice versa, along with a few missing apostrophes and spaces that shouldn't be there. Weeding these errors out is a tedious process, but I think that even a quick scan of the story with these kinds of errors in mind could help a lot.
Anyway, Artyom is in one of the so very many tunnels beneath Moscow, on his mission that is described in both the novel and game, though somewhat differently in each in that Artyom faces different threats and that one contains more action than the other. This interpretation appears to be based on the game for at least most of it, probably all. (If you liked the game and its story, then the book will certainly appeal to you, too. It goes into more detail than the game does about the world.)
The Dark One's whispers could be done in a different fashion. I'd advise you play around with things, maybe italics and ellipses would serve better than just commas. Additionally, dialogue that ends with something like "the voice said" should be:
1. lacking capitalization;
2. if the sentence said by the speaker would end in a period, it becomes a comma. Otherwise, the punctuation is unchanged.
Like this:
Emphasis on words using capital letters is something I am not fond of, but it's stylistic, so I can't really nag you about it.
So, Dark One, new land, that stuff... Prologue appears to be alright. On to chapter one. It seems kind of strange to mention with every line who said what, If it's a back-and-forth conversation that has only two members. Celestia determines the primate nature of humans immediately, which seems unusual considering how much clothing an inhabitant of the Metro would wear. Perhaps she could refer to them as bipeds. Another grammatical error I see here is missing punctuation, like, a significant amount of it. Maybe you wrote this a bit too fast, or something. There is little to say on this chapter. Celestia sees a Dark One and some humans of the Metro in a dream of sorts. Alright. The chapters could be longer, perhaps even merged, but the chapter gaps aren't that big of an issue.
Onward to chapter two, and a third perspective is taken. Again, I did not need to be told that it was Twilight's perspective that I was being told the story through.
Either Twilight has no understanding of apparent magnitude, (and I don't think it'd be so unreasonable that she didn't) or stars work differently in the universe that she exists in. Alpha Centauri is the closest star system to ours, and it's far from the brightest (many would identify the brightest as Sirius A, which is the sixth closest star to ours. Taking into account additional portions of the light spectrum, Betelgeuse supposedly is). Or, it could be an oversight on your part. Either way, it's no big deal. Anyway, weird thing appears in the sky, and a Dark One appears. Twilight dreams of nosalises and Artyom appears, clad in the stealth armor, I'd guess. Weird dreams are quite the theme, aren't they?
Chapter three and we're back to our mute man on a mission in the Metro. Bourbon, not Bourban.
Not sure why this stuck out to me, but there's more weird wording. Anyway...
What I'd keep in mind when writing Artyom is the fact that he was born only just before the bombs fell, or otherwise was raised in the Metro. He knows very little of the outside world and only goes to the surface for any significant amount of time after leaving for Polis. He collects postcards of various pre-war locations and is fascinated by the outside world and the time before, but he doesn't know all that much other than what his father and the others of VDNKh tell him as he grows up. Of course, none of this is really explained in detail within the game, but it's nice to know. Anyhow, Artyom might have heard only rumors and tall tales about the demons of the surface before going there and facing them himself, for example. Oh, a sort of hole through which mutants come? Well, that's all kinds of nasty.
Well, when mutants come to destroy all you hold dear, that's kind of a bummer, like, a big one. A quick and action-packed chapter that could have been slower. The rest of the pacing so far was alright, but now it just seems a little too quick. I think that you could do with larger chapters and the story would benefit, but it's your choice. Chapter five reveals the liberties you've taken with Artyom's character, what with him being an experienced fighter (when in the novel he is nothing of the sort, but a mushroom farmer). Kind of funny in hindsight, really. The ponies' reaction to Artyom's and the mutants' appearance is not unexpected and seems reasonable enough, as does Twilight's attempts to organize things.
However, that's all there is so far, so I can't say much more. Nothing stuck out as particularly out of line. The things I'd say you could use the most improvement in are sentence structure and grammar. Once those are improved, the reading process will be more fluid and therefore more enjoyable to the reader. Plot-wise, the story is still young and it has many possible directions. Try to have a general outline before moving forward so you don't get stuck in your writing (like I have). Best of luck to you, Dak. I hope I was at least slightly helpful.
~IncoherentOrange, WRITE's Rambling Citrus.
I like where this is going.