What if Celestia had a son? What if his existance was kept a secret? What might happen if he decided to live his life? What would happen if the elements of harmony dicover his existance?
Blackheart is the son of princess Celestia. After being kept a secret for years and in an attempt to stop reoccurring dreams of a filly from his past, he ventures forward around equestria without his mother's consent, to discover just who is prince Blackheart and why is he so important?
By the way this is my first story, so I'll try my best to make it good and grammered correctly, constructive criticism is appreciated :)
Chapters (1)
2711965
You have no business telling people how bad their story is when yours is so much worse.
So far, there's no mention of this being a self-insert, Gary Stu, alicorn or whatever an "OP" is. Yes, there are spelling mistakes and sometimes Black Heart is spelled as Blackheart and the author has a habit of going overboard on the descriptions but it's not bad.
Your stories are a lot worse. So stop being an ass just because you personally can't write.
2712009
At least my OC isn't CELESTIA'S SON!
2712027
No he wasn't, but strangely enough some of the things you complained about could also apply to your OC. I'll also add that at no point did you give any kind of constructive criticism in your post. Instead just going for being a little immature asshole like the 12 year old you are. Yeah, you're so edgy. You must have loads of friends and followers that are just waiting for you to do something new and incredibly funny. Or you wish that was the case. I've seen your youtube channel. It's pathetic.
Windwalker is a self-insert, a Gary Stu and when he started he was an alicorn. You can't write a good story, but you're still young so I'll cut you a break on that. Hopefully you'll learn at some point. And until you get that kind of cred or can actually critique properly by pointing out where things are wrong and what the author could have done you're just coming off like a asshole. That is assuming of course that you don't want to come off that way in the first place. If you do, then mission accomplished.
2712053
2711965 this story is not a self insert, sure I need to get better at writing and on my spelling, but I'd prefer that you help me do a better job with advice rather than slander my story.
2712009 I'll work on my spelling errors as soon as possible
2712102
Since Windwalker... I mean TheaterCritic can't do anything but lash out against stories that are better written than his are in an attempt to make himself feel better, let me give you a few tips.
I can tell this is the first thing you've written. Your descriptions are a little off and by that I mean they don't quite work. There's a tendency to try to sound profound or at the very least sound like something grand is going on about you. New authors often try too hard to describe things.
There are also loads of problems with your punctuation, spelling and grammar. Again, these are things that you can learn and hopefully will learn as time goes on.
For example in your first paragraph:
Clean it up a little and you get:
No. You can't have something that is elaborate yet simple. That's an oxymoron. One way around it could be to say, "In front of me stood a massive archway, it's design simple yet strangely elaborate at the same time. My eyes seemed to want to go in separate directions if I stared at it for too long. But the top part seemed to pull at my attention and came into focus."
Change "slightly" to "almost". It fits better.
Some minor spelling mistakes such as:
Shelves instead of shelfs.
Heard instead of herd. Unless you're talking about a group of horses and not the past tense of "hear" in which case herd is correct.
I'd add more but I've got things to do at the moment. Take the time to go over this carefully. If you can find yourself an editor or a proofreader I would recommend you avail yourself of their services.
Good luck.
2712080
Truth hurts doesn't it?
2712087
First off, this idea had been overdone, and it's horrible.
Second, you need to capatilize proper nouns, it's Celestia, not celestia.
Third, your character is a Gary Stu. (A hell of a lot worse than my OC, but that is another story.)
He is perfect in every way. He's Celestia's son, he is probably going to be an Alicorn at the end, (Which everypony hates Alicorn OCs.) and this is TOTALLY a self insert.
Yes, most bronies wish of being a pony living in Equestria, but NEVER write about it. It is a bore to read, it's predictable, and, of course, FIMfiction doesn't like Self Inserts. I don't want to read a story about someponies fantasy, I want to read about if the dark lord Sauron was a pony.
Just delete this story and make a new one. We don't want to read a story about Celestia's OP Self Insert Gary Stu Future Alicorn OC son.
2712119
STFU
2712053
Just gonna jump in here and say that the term 'op' stands for "original poster"
2712135
Actually, OC stands for Over Powered.
But I lol'd at that.
It's kinda bland at the moment. Nothing too terrible but not not literary gold either. A good attempt at a first story. You get two and a half pinkies out of five:
I would also advise you to ignore this little shitstain by the name of TheaterCritic. He's a pathetic little pre-teen troll named Connor that makes terrible youtube videos and fancies himself some kind of critic because he's seen others on the internet make careers out of it. He adds nothing of any value in his comments and should generally be considered on the same level as that stuff you scrape off the bottom of your shoes.
2712127
It's been overdone? How about you provide some exmaples. You're really good at throwing the generalities out but terrible when it comes to backing up your own claims.
How is he a Gary Stu at the moment? We know nothing about him. He hasn't done anything amazing, there's been no cheering section, if anything he's not the awesome guy that never makes a mistake like WindWalker. You of all people shouldn't complain about a Gary Stu being used. But then we all know you're a hypocrite.
Citation needed on this. And just pulling it out of your ass doesn't count.
Irony alert. WindWalker is totally a self-insert and your masturbatory fantasy of wanting to screw Trixie and possibly Babs Seed.
2712157
First off, I don't do incest or foalcon. That is just disgusting.
Second, I made Windwaker before I liked Trixie. Besides, I'm not going to make a Clopfic about us screwing! (Oh wait.)
Third, what made you into believing that I wanted to screw Babs
2712183
That's not the point. The point is you're a hypocrite that criticises others for doing the same thing that you yourself do yet cry foul when people point this out.
And here's something funny, you throw out baseless claims such as Black Heart being a Gary Stu yet get upset when people make baseless claims against your characters. If you can't handle it when people do it to you, you shouldn't be opening your fat pre-teen mouth in the first place Connor.
You're a hypocrite and I will continue to point this out so long as you continue acting like your shit doesn't stink to high heaven.
2712202
Well, I'm totally going to make you my Arch Nemesis now.
Besides, Windy kind of helps. You're just a troll trying to get attention and starting flame wars.
And why the fuck is everypony calling Windwaker Windwalker?
Ok, here's what I noticed.
As JJ stated before, it's very noticeable that this is your first story. The grammar could use some work, your spelling's a bit off, and just the mechanics in general don't work. This could easily be remedied by a quick joust through MS Word's SpellCheck and grammar editor. It's free to use, and can catch stuff that slips through the editor I recommend you to get. I, in my own writing, use both an editor and a spellchecker.
Aside from the mechanics issue, there are many things that would make this difficult to read. For starters, your descriptions feel a little strained at the beginning. I'm gonna take
and try to rewrite it so it's pleasing to look at.
Looks better, doesn't it? If you add more description to the story, it's more fun to read
I'm not sure if OC is Mary Sue, but it's worth it to give your character some major flaws. Spelling, spacing, and fleshing out the story and character will be some of the most important things you need to know as a writer. For the review score, I'll give this a 4. You kept me semi-interested until the end, and left a decent cliffhanger. Just work on the things we discussed, and I'll see what I can do about giving you a higher score.
BR
Oh, and 2712129? I'll be coming for your stories later. Expect poor marks off of what I saw from you here.
2712215
Oh please, you give yourself way too much credit.
Ah, so "trolling" in your world means pointing out your flaws and where you've gone wrong so that others can see it and exposing you as a hypocrite. Gotcha.
Trolling in my world means making a post with the express purpose of trying to attract flames or just trying to make your e-peen bigger. A perfect example of which is your first post here. It provides nothing of any consequence and just shows how desperate you are for attention. I mean I know why you continue doing all this.
It sounds better. I mean "Windwaker"? What the fuck kind of name is "Windwaker"? What does that even mean? He "wakes" the "wind"?
Nah, Windwalker sounds better.
So c'mon, you're not going to defend your words Connor? Not going to try to show us how this character is a "Over Powered Gary Stu". Do you even know what those words mean?
I do admit I like the idea, it's well thought, there are a few grammatical errors but thats what editors are for. My advice to you from a wise pony is too keep on writing, strive for happiness in your story or whatever it is you want. If you need any guidance Wisdom is always around.
I kinda want to put the Gary stu stuff to rest without giving way parts of the story so, Blackheart is an earth pony like his father, but he does have some abillities that set him apart from regulare ponies. Also he's ever becoming an alicorn cus dats dumb
That is all
2712115 thanks for th advise, I'll edit the first chapter so it'll be better
2712157 thanks for the support dude, oh and Blackheart's not gonna be a Gary stu
2712233 I'll keep these things in mind and work harder
2712215 just gtfo, seriously if you don't like my story don't read it, don't comment on it, don't even think about it. You'll only be wasting mine and your time by being an ass
2712332 I'll be sure to find someone thanks
2712403
I figured he wasn't going to be. Part of the reason I got involved in all this was because of TheaterCritic trolling in an attempt to make himself feel better considering how bad his stories are.
His original story was a self-insert with an overpowered Gary Stu. He cried about it, the story got completely trashed because of it, he deleted it and since then has tried to pull this on other writers. Problem is, he doesn't have the smarts or the skill to pull it off convincingly. At best it comes off like a child saying, "you're a poopie head!" and the fact that he himself is prepubescent just adds to the hilarity of the situation. No, we're not laughing with him, we're laughing at him. But he thrives on any kind of attention, negative or not and he's managed to find an audience here. So he'll stay in an attempt to get somebody to pay attention to him even if it means the attention is bad.
It's sad I'll admit, but what can you do?
You've got the basis for a good story here but what you're missing is the chops for it. My suggestion would be to write something different first maybe not using a concept that is rather controversial. Use your OC if you want, but don't make the reveal that he's Celestia's son until maybe the very end.
Just my two cents.
2712445 I'll think about this
"Congratulations Celestia, it's a boy!"
"Oh, he's adorable. I think I'll call him BLACKHEART! BECAUSE HIS HEART IS AS BLACK AS THE NIGHT!"
"Uh, okay..."
2712658 lol, uh I kinda made the OC before the idea of the story, so when thinking of Celestia's son I figured he could fit the discription.
I'm just gonna go ahead and say that Celestia named him that because of a prophesy that will be introduced in the story later.
Thought this concept sounded familiar...
Son of the Princess
I think this is a great story so far. Im very interested in what happens ^
You missed some capitalizations and the MC seems bland to me.
And Blackheart as a Pony name seems awfully negative for me, it's a typical villain name. I'm sure you got a reason for this, but it's still really weird.
2716629 yea im in the process of editing the first chapter so it won't be as bad