• Published 12th Jun 2013
  • 1,420 Views, 31 Comments

Celestia's son - CrimsonInk



What if Celestia had a son? What if his existance was kept a secret? What might happen if he decided to live his life? What would happen if the elements of harmony dicover his existance?

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Chapter one: to awaken from a dream

I felt empty again, as if a part of me was missing or forgotten. My vision blurred and every thing blended together. I could tell I was in a library, it's endless hall ways and innumerable amount of book shelfs all around me, but I could not tell what ancient tomes or volumes I passed or which way I was heading.

After what seemed like hours of nothingness, no sense of direction, no real goal in my endless wandering, I stopped. In front of me stood a massive archway, it's design elaborate yet simple. It's magnificent carved edges depicted two allicorns and a little filly in between. Each had a symbol etched behind them, the sun, the moon, and strangely enough a lavender star. The contrast in the lavender color compared to the dull wood made the star glow and shimmer, almost as if it sparkled?

Beyond the archway however there was a break in the massive shelfs, no a clearing. I walked forward to greet the new openness. My vision seemed to clear, then blur, then clear again repeatedly. I winced, as a bright light slightly blinded me. As I walked closer to the clearing, the light intensified more and more, making it hard to look forward and keep my eyes open.

All at once the light exploded in white fiery passion, enveloping me and my surroundings, while painfully blinding me evermore. I stumbled on my own hooves, tripped and fell. Scrunching up my face in pain, I closed my eyes in an attempt to block out the burning light, unfortunately to no avail. The air around me felt hot, heated by the intense light, slowly burning me. I herd myself gasp. It was almost as if I were about to catch on fire along with the books surrounding me.

When it seemed as if the light would consume my very being, my every fiber, and that I could take no more, it stopped. The air no longer felt like fire, and the ground underneath felt cool. My eyes popped open to view my new surroundings. I looked in awe at the sudden change of venue, I was sill in a library and the light still shone all around me, though the the endless towering bookshelves with countless ancient foreign volumes had been replaced with large bookshelves with newer more pristine looking books with now noticeable titles. The bright burning light was less intense, no longer blinding and visibly shone through windows from across the room. There were books thrown and scattered all around the now visible clearing, whether they were on the ground, furniture, in neat stacks or in messy piles.

Slowly I stood up on shaky hooves, taking in my surroundings, blinking as my vision once again began to clear. As I rose, I exhaled not realizing I was holding my breath. My eyes widened as i turned to look at the way I came from. The archway was gone, in it's place was a row of book shelfs. I shrugged away the fact that my exit was gone and continued forward. Engrossed in my thoughts, I wandered towards the center of the room.

Too caught up in my thinking to notice where I was going, my flank grazed a large stack of books, causing them to topple over. I flinched at the sound of the falling books, slamming hard against the wooden floor. As the dust of aged books cleared, I rubbed my irritated eyes only to open them to two endless lavender pools. Across from me was a little filly with a puzzled yet tired expression. She looked familiar somehow, whether it was her violet coat, that magenta stripe in her hair, or maybe its her star cutimark. Whatever it was she reminded me of something, I just couldn't tell what. Then she spoke.

My eyes widened. I stood there in shock and disbelief, unsure of what just happened. Her mouth moved like any other pony, but her voice. I didn't hear it just from her direction. I herd her words from everywhere, all around, all at once. What she said was lost to me, for I was breaking my mind trying to understand what was going on. My concentration was shattered however when she spoke again, " who are you. "

She waited for a response but I gave her none. I simply stared. She simile and asked, " why are you here? "

" Did the princess send you? "

" Do you wanna play a game? "

" Would you like to be friends? "

With every word she spoke, the disembodied voices around me became louder and louder. I felt dazed and disoriented. The room began to spin nauseatingly. I felt my inside twist and tighten. I lost sense of direction or whatever way gravity was pulling me. What the now spinning filly said next was lost along with what senses I had left. A strange pulling sensation traveled through my body like electricity.

Every thing around me warped and contracted with every pull of energy I felt. I dug my hooves into what I guess was the floor below me. As the indistinguishable roar of voices grew louder, the sickening pull of my inside grew stronger, as did my nausea. I felt like I was floating in an unending toilet flush. Falling onto what I thought were my hunches, I allowed my self to be taken by the pull, to pushed by its flow, to wherever it was guiding me. I felt myself fall even farther back. My surroundings changed along with its warping. The light was suffocated by black tendrils of darkness emanating from all around. Color faded and died every were like the wilting of a rose, everywhere except a lavender glow in the distance.

Engulfed in darkness, everything fell away. In a moment of clarity my vision, senses, and feeling was restored. That was before I felt something dislodge somewhere inside of me as darkness began to devour my surroundings. In then end the soothing violet light was all that was left of the cozy library' lounge like clearing, even the roaring sound that came from all around was no longer present, but eventually even that too was gone. In its place however with an unearthly green glow.

My skin crawled, my breaths felt labored, a creeping chill worked its way along my spine. I was more cold and alone than ever before. The presence of the new glow made me feel this even more so. Unlike the calming of the purple glow, the new one seemed dreadfully unnatural. Some thing about it made my heart stop and my blood turn to ice. I was sinking deeper and deeper into the darkness. It surrounded me, it engulfed and enveloped me in its cold grasp. My eyes stayed on the light, locked in place. No matter how hard I tried I could not avert my eyes.

The maddening glow came closer and closer. When it floated a hooves length away from me, it began to take shape. It was similar to that of a ponies but bigger. I couldn't exactly tell what it was or any detailed features. It just stayed there, doing nothing other than frightening and confusing me. After a while of me fidgeting uncomfortably as well as staring unwaveringly at the glowing mass in front of me, it backed up slightly. It's sickening slow seemed to almost extinguish itself, leaving only the faintest silhouette of the form I front of me. This did nothing to lower my anxiety however.

As the time of silence prolonged itself, I felt a gentile throbbing at the back of my head. It was like I had forgotten something, and that something was trying to resurface from my subconscious. I couldn't concentrate on this feeling long enough to know what was going on, at least until the pain hit me.

What felt like a dozen red hot nails digging into the base of my skull suddenly came over me. The gentle throbbing grew into a pounding migraine. A sharp high pitched ringing filled my ears. My body cringed and shook at these pains, but my head did not look away, and my eyes did not change their widened gaze. Whatever this entity was that was in front of me, it was attempting to breach my mind's most inner thoughts.

While my body twitched sporadically, a new wave of emotions entered my head, slowly numbing the pain. As my body and mind were numbed beyond concentration a voice spoke into my head. It sounded aged beyond dozens of lifespans and wiser than the sun and moon. It reminded me of dust and cobwebs, and of the acceptance of death. The voice simply inquired, " What are you? "

I could not respond, fore it's mere presence in my consciousness made it difficult to form thought, let alone verbalized words. The entity in my mind didn't wait for my retort, instead it sent me feelings of warning and danger. It once again spoke into me, but with a more aggressive tone: " You shouldn't be here........ GET OUT! "

A rush of explosive energy ripped through me an the entity pushed its way about of my mind and stripped me of all feeling. When it left I saw nothing, herd nothing, felt nothing. I only knew darkness deeper than before as every thing slipped away.

----------------------------------------------------------

Blackheart woke up with a start. He was in a cold sweat and breathing heavily. He was dreaming, it was all a dream. Blackheart had been having reoccurring nightmares for a few years now, but only recently have they been becoming more violent and occurring more frequently. Now he had the nightmares every night, and this was weighing heavily on his mind. He'd have to speak to his mother about them soon.

Blackheart sighed, looking around the room he was in. It was his room. It was a medium sized bedroom with his bed pushed into the far corner. To his right was a windowless wall across from him was a dresser and some elegant looking furniture. Light flooded in from a skylight above, and a fine carpet swelled across the floor below.

He didn't stay in this room very often, heart usually had other accommodations elsewhere. Blackheart sat up slightly, pressing a hoof on his forehead. " What happens last night," thought black heart. " how did I get here." upon thinking this black heart notice a sizable lump in the bed next to him. Zed lump shifted under the covers of the bed slightly, only to reveal its identity.

Blackheart stiffened, his eyes wide with shock. The highly esteemed, most eligible bachelor of canterlot, the regal prince blueblood was in his bed......

Author's Note:

Chapter on is done! I'll start working on chapter two as soon as possible, it will explain many things, like why two stallions are in bed together. Farewell, I hope I did a good job so so far!

Comments ( 31 )
Comment posted by Theater Critic deleted Jun 13th, 2013

2711965
You have no business telling people how bad their story is when yours is so much worse.

So far, there's no mention of this being a self-insert, Gary Stu, alicorn or whatever an "OP" is. Yes, there are spelling mistakes and sometimes Black Heart is spelled as Blackheart and the author has a habit of going overboard on the descriptions but it's not bad.

Your stories are a lot worse. So stop being an ass just because you personally can't write.

2712009

:facehoof:

At least my OC isn't CELESTIA'S SON!

2712027
No he wasn't, but strangely enough some of the things you complained about could also apply to your OC. I'll also add that at no point did you give any kind of constructive criticism in your post. Instead just going for being a little immature asshole like the 12 year old you are. Yeah, you're so edgy. You must have loads of friends and followers that are just waiting for you to do something new and incredibly funny. Or you wish that was the case. I've seen your youtube channel. It's pathetic.

Windwalker is a self-insert, a Gary Stu and when he started he was an alicorn. You can't write a good story, but you're still young so I'll cut you a break on that. Hopefully you'll learn at some point. And until you get that kind of cred or can actually critique properly by pointing out where things are wrong and what the author could have done you're just coming off like a asshole. That is assuming of course that you don't want to come off that way in the first place. If you do, then mission accomplished.

2711965 this story is not a self insert, sure I need to get better at writing and on my spelling, but I'd prefer that you help me do a better job with advice rather than slander my story.

2712009 I'll work on my spelling errors as soon as possible

2712102
Since Windwalker... I mean TheaterCritic can't do anything but lash out against stories that are better written than his are in an attempt to make himself feel better, let me give you a few tips.

I can tell this is the first thing you've written. Your descriptions are a little off and by that I mean they don't quite work. There's a tendency to try to sound profound or at the very least sound like something grand is going on about you. New authors often try too hard to describe things.

There are also loads of problems with your punctuation, spelling and grammar. Again, these are things that you can learn and hopefully will learn as time goes on.

For example in your first paragraph:

I felt empty again, as if a part of me was missing or forgotten. My vision blurred and every thing blended together. I could tell I was in a library, it's endless hall ways and innumerable amount of book shelfs all around me, but I could not tell what ancient tomes or volumes I passed or which way I was heading.

Clean it up a little and you get:

I felt empty again. Empty as if a part of me was missing or forgotten. My vision blurred for a moment and every thing seemed to blend together. When my eyes cleared I could tell I was walking through a huge library. The shelves were endless, the books innumerous yet even if I looked closely I couldn't tell what the titles on the spines said or even which way I was heading. So I continued to walk and hoped something would reveal itself to me.

In front of me stood a massive archway, it's design elaborate yet simple.

No. You can't have something that is elaborate yet simple. That's an oxymoron. One way around it could be to say, "In front of me stood a massive archway, it's design simple yet strangely elaborate at the same time. My eyes seemed to want to go in separate directions if I stared at it for too long. But the top part seemed to pull at my attention and came into focus."

I winced, as a bright light slightly blinded me.

Change "slightly" to "almost". It fits better.

Some minor spelling mistakes such as:

Shelves instead of shelfs.
Heard instead of herd. Unless you're talking about a group of horses and not the past tense of "hear" in which case herd is correct.

I'd add more but I've got things to do at the moment. Take the time to go over this carefully. If you can find yourself an editor or a proofreader I would recommend you avail yourself of their services.

Good luck.

2712080
Truth hurts doesn't it?

2712087

First off, this idea had been overdone, and it's horrible.

Second, you need to capatilize proper nouns, it's Celestia, not celestia.

Third, your character is a Gary Stu. (A hell of a lot worse than my OC, but that is another story.)

He is perfect in every way. He's Celestia's son, he is probably going to be an Alicorn at the end, (Which everypony hates Alicorn OCs.) and this is TOTALLY a self insert.

Yes, most bronies wish of being a pony living in Equestria, but NEVER write about it. It is a bore to read, it's predictable, and, of course, FIMfiction doesn't like Self Inserts. I don't want to read a story about someponies fantasy, I want to read about if the dark lord Sauron was a pony.

Just delete this story and make a new one. We don't want to read a story about Celestia's OP Self Insert Gary Stu Future Alicorn OC son. :facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof:

2712053
Just gonna jump in here and say that the term 'op' stands for "original poster":moustache:

2712135

Actually, OC stands for Over Powered.

But I lol'd at that.

It's kinda bland at the moment. Nothing too terrible but not not literary gold either. A good attempt at a first story. You get two and a half pinkies out of five: :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiesmile::pinkiesick::pinkiesick:

I would also advise you to ignore this little shitstain by the name of TheaterCritic. He's a pathetic little pre-teen troll named Connor that makes terrible youtube videos and fancies himself some kind of critic because he's seen others on the internet make careers out of it. He adds nothing of any value in his comments and should generally be considered on the same level as that stuff you scrape off the bottom of your shoes.

2712127

First off, this idea had been overdone, and it's horrible.

It's been overdone? How about you provide some exmaples. You're really good at throwing the generalities out but terrible when it comes to backing up your own claims.

Third, your character is a Gary Stu. (A hell of a lot worse than my OC, but that is another story.)

How is he a Gary Stu at the moment? We know nothing about him. He hasn't done anything amazing, there's been no cheering section, if anything he's not the awesome guy that never makes a mistake like WindWalker. You of all people shouldn't complain about a Gary Stu being used. But then we all know you're a hypocrite.

He is perfect in every way. He's Celestia's son, he is probably going to be an Alicorn at the end, (Which everypony hates Alicorn OCs.) and this is TOTALLY a self insert.

Citation needed on this. And just pulling it out of your ass doesn't count.

Yes, most bronies wish of being a pony living in Equestria, but NEVER write about it. It is a bore to read, it's predictable, and, of course, FIMfiction doesn't like Self Inserts. I don't want to read a story about someponies fantasy, I want to read about if the dark lord Sauron was a pony.

Irony alert. WindWalker is totally a self-insert and your masturbatory fantasy of wanting to screw Trixie and possibly Babs Seed.

2712157

WindWalker is totally a self-insert and your masturbatory fantasy of wanting to screw Trixie and possibly Babs Seed

:facehoof:

First off, I don't do incest or foalcon. That is just disgusting.

Second, I made Windwaker before I liked Trixie. Besides, I'm not going to make a Clopfic about us screwing! (Oh wait.)

Third, what made you into believing that I wanted to screw Babs

2712183
That's not the point. The point is you're a hypocrite that criticises others for doing the same thing that you yourself do yet cry foul when people point this out.

And here's something funny, you throw out baseless claims such as Black Heart being a Gary Stu yet get upset when people make baseless claims against your characters. If you can't handle it when people do it to you, you shouldn't be opening your fat pre-teen mouth in the first place Connor.

You're a hypocrite and I will continue to point this out so long as you continue acting like your shit doesn't stink to high heaven.

2712202

Well, I'm totally going to make you my Arch Nemesis now.

Besides, Windy kind of helps. You're just a troll trying to get attention and starting flame wars.

And why the fuck is everypony calling Windwaker Windwalker? :facehoof:

BR

Ok, here's what I noticed.

As JJ stated before, it's very noticeable that this is your first story. The grammar could use some work, your spelling's a bit off, and just the mechanics in general don't work. This could easily be remedied by a quick joust through MS Word's SpellCheck and grammar editor. It's free to use, and can catch stuff that slips through the editor I recommend you to get. I, in my own writing, use both an editor and a spellchecker.

Aside from the mechanics issue, there are many things that would make this difficult to read. For starters, your descriptions feel a little strained at the beginning. I'm gonna take

I felt empty again, as if a part of me was missing or forgotten. My vision blurred and every thing blended together. I could tell I was in a library, it's endless hall ways and innumerable amount of book shelfs all around me, but I could not tell what ancient tomes or volumes I passed or which way I was heading.

and try to rewrite it so it's pleasing to look at.

The empty feeling I had been experiencing for so long had returned again, making me wonder if a part of me was missing or forgotten. I tried to stand, and I managed to do it for three whole seconds until my frail legs gave way and I fell to the ground. My vision blurred and everything blended together, a pale, dusty mix of browns and grays. Once the blur faded away and I could see again, I could tell I was in a library; it's endless, creaky hallways and innumerable amount of wood-stained bookshelves surrounding me. Finally, my strength returned to my legs, and I began to walk; however, the titles of the innumerable book and tomes I passed held no recognition, and I wandered down the infinite halls without any notion of where I was to go in this vast, prisonlike library.

Looks better, doesn't it? If you add more description to the story, it's more fun to read

I'm not sure if OC is Mary Sue, but it's worth it to give your character some major flaws. Spelling, spacing, and fleshing out the story and character will be some of the most important things you need to know as a writer. For the review score, I'll give this a 4. You kept me semi-interested until the end, and left a decent cliffhanger. Just work on the things we discussed, and I'll see what I can do about giving you a higher score.
BR
Oh, and 2712129? I'll be coming for your stories later. Expect poor marks off of what I saw from you here.

2712215

Well, I'm totally going to make you my Arch Nemesis now.

Oh please, you give yourself way too much credit.

Besides, Windy kind of helps. You're just a troll trying to get attention and starting flame wars

Ah, so "trolling" in your world means pointing out your flaws and where you've gone wrong so that others can see it and exposing you as a hypocrite. Gotcha.

Trolling in my world means making a post with the express purpose of trying to attract flames or just trying to make your e-peen bigger. A perfect example of which is your first post here. It provides nothing of any consequence and just shows how desperate you are for attention. I mean I know why you continue doing all this.

And why the fuck is everypony calling Windwaker Windwalker?

It sounds better. I mean "Windwaker"? What the fuck kind of name is "Windwaker"? What does that even mean? He "wakes" the "wind"?

Nah, Windwalker sounds better.

So c'mon, you're not going to defend your words Connor? Not going to try to show us how this character is a "Over Powered Gary Stu". Do you even know what those words mean?

I do admit I like the idea, it's well thought, there are a few grammatical errors but thats what editors are for. My advice to you from a wise pony is too keep on writing, strive for happiness in your story or whatever it is you want. If you need any guidance Wisdom is always around.

I kinda want to put the Gary stu stuff to rest without giving way parts of the story so, Blackheart is an earth pony like his father, but he does have some abillities that set him apart from regulare ponies. Also he's ever becoming an alicorn cus dats dumb

That is all

2712115 thanks for th advise, I'll edit the first chapter so it'll be better

2712157 thanks for the support dude, oh and Blackheart's not gonna be a Gary stu

2712233 I'll keep these things in mind and work harder

2712215 just gtfo, seriously if you don't like my story don't read it, don't comment on it, don't even think about it. You'll only be wasting mine and your time by being an ass

2712332 I'll be sure to find someone thanks

2712403
I figured he wasn't going to be. Part of the reason I got involved in all this was because of TheaterCritic trolling in an attempt to make himself feel better considering how bad his stories are.

His original story was a self-insert with an overpowered Gary Stu. He cried about it, the story got completely trashed because of it, he deleted it and since then has tried to pull this on other writers. Problem is, he doesn't have the smarts or the skill to pull it off convincingly. At best it comes off like a child saying, "you're a poopie head!" and the fact that he himself is prepubescent just adds to the hilarity of the situation. No, we're not laughing with him, we're laughing at him. But he thrives on any kind of attention, negative or not and he's managed to find an audience here. So he'll stay in an attempt to get somebody to pay attention to him even if it means the attention is bad.

It's sad I'll admit, but what can you do?

You've got the basis for a good story here but what you're missing is the chops for it. My suggestion would be to write something different first maybe not using a concept that is rather controversial. Use your OC if you want, but don't make the reveal that he's Celestia's son until maybe the very end.

Just my two cents.

Comment posted by CometTail deleted Jun 12th, 2013

2712445 I'll think about this

"Congratulations Celestia, it's a boy!"

"Oh, he's adorable. I think I'll call him BLACKHEART! BECAUSE HIS HEART IS AS BLACK AS THE NIGHT!"

"Uh, okay..."

2712658 lol, uh I kinda made the OC before the idea of the story, so when thinking of Celestia's son I figured he could fit the discription.
I'm just gonna go ahead and say that Celestia named him that because of a prophesy that will be introduced in the story later.

Thought this concept sounded familiar...

Son of the Princess

Comment posted by Theater Critic deleted Jun 12th, 2013

I think this is a great story so far. Im very interested in what happens ^

You missed some capitalizations and the MC seems bland to me.

And Blackheart as a Pony name seems awfully negative for me, it's a typical villain name. I'm sure you got a reason for this, but it's still really weird.

2716629 yea im in the process of editing the first chapter so it won't be as bad

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