This really isn't bad. It's a delightfully misleading shipfic that goes into a hideous black pit of angst and depression at the end. More importantly, the shipping itself makes sense, the pacing is well done for the most part, and the plot follows very logically. The flashbacks made it seem like a bit less of a "OMG I love you, even though we're just three lines in" thing, which is great. Characterization: good, if a tad over-dramatic.
That said, I had some major issues with the tense. You kind of switched between past and present tense with irritating frequency. And...this is really just personal preference, but centering thoughts is just plain awkward. I also noticed a few instances where multiple characters are talking in the same paragraph, which is a big no-no. If a new character talks, it should be a new paragraph.
The ending also feels a little rushed, which is understandable. To be honest, there's not a whole lot you can do about it, but it could be better. There are also some errors with apostrophes (you frequently use Applejacks instead of Applejack's) and my all-time favourite pet peeve: improper use of it's. "It's" is a short form for "it is." The apostrophe in that context does not imply possession. It's a common mistake, but still irritating.
My last issue is with realism. Dash essentially put down ten shots of (I'm assuming sixty to eighty proof) liquor in a few minutes. If she was drinking that much that fast, not only would the bartender be way more concerned, but she would have passed out very quickly. Even if she didn't she wouldn't be in any condition to fly to Sweet Apple Acres and have a heart-to-heart.
It's a really great story, and has definite potential, but it needs a lot of polishing. Ordinarily I would rate this around a 3.5, but since there's no other ratings, I'll be generous and give you a 4.
Well done. For your first story, it's surprisingly good. Keep it up.
Thankyou for your input and I will be sure to consider your tips and refer to them in stories to come. After reviewing what I had wrote, I came to realize that you are 100% correct on the whole lack of imagery. Which kind of depresses me that I wouldn't focus on something so important
BTW, know that this story is not finished and I will be making adjustments in the Chapters already written
217717 Thank you for your input as well, friend. Quite frankly, I've seemed to have had difficulties with consistency in terms of tense in the past (my teachers will vouch for me ) Secondly, know that that last chapter isn't quite finished yet and neither is the story; therefore, also know that I will also be referring to your tips as well to increase the entertainment derived from said story.
And on a side note, sorry about the whole realism thing, but the reason I chose that situation and that number of drinks is because I was in a situation relative to it. However, considering I seldom drink with others, I suppose I should've known that not all people can hold their liquor as well as I can Point being, I'm not sure what the average drinking amount for a normal person is. So if you would, please fill me in!
ok, so my reply thingy is being retarded. I apologize for any mistakes and I hope you guys can figure out which messages were meant for who, because apparently my computer can't...
This is my first story you guys, so don't go easy on me. Please be critical so my future stories will be better
wow that was poweful man good work I cant wait for more
Hokay, (cracks knuckles) here we go.
This really isn't bad. It's a delightfully misleading shipfic that goes into a hideous black pit of angst and depression at the end. More importantly, the shipping itself makes sense, the pacing is well done for the most part, and the plot follows very logically. The flashbacks made it seem like a bit less of a "OMG I love you, even though we're just three lines in" thing, which is great. Characterization: good, if a tad over-dramatic.
That said, I had some major issues with the tense. You kind of switched between past and present tense with irritating frequency. And...this is really just personal preference, but centering thoughts is just plain awkward. I also noticed a few instances where multiple characters are talking in the same paragraph, which is a big no-no. If a new character talks, it should be a new paragraph.
The ending also feels a little rushed, which is understandable. To be honest, there's not a whole lot you can do about it, but it could be better. There are also some errors with apostrophes (you frequently use Applejacks instead of Applejack's) and my all-time favourite pet peeve: improper use of it's. "It's" is a short form for "it is." The apostrophe in that context does not imply possession. It's a common mistake, but still irritating.
My last issue is with realism. Dash essentially put down ten shots of (I'm assuming sixty to eighty proof) liquor in a few minutes. If she was drinking that much that fast, not only would the bartender be way more concerned, but she would have passed out very quickly. Even if she didn't she wouldn't be in any condition to fly to Sweet Apple Acres and have a heart-to-heart.
It's a really great story, and has definite potential, but it needs a lot of polishing. Ordinarily I would rate this around a 3.5, but since there's no other ratings, I'll be generous and give you a 4.
Well done. For your first story, it's surprisingly good. Keep it up.
217620
Thankyou for your input and I will be sure to consider your tips and refer to them in stories to come. After reviewing what I had wrote, I came to realize that you are 100% correct on the whole lack of imagery. Which kind of depresses me that I wouldn't focus on something so important
BTW, know that this story is not finished and I will be making adjustments in the Chapters already written
217717 Thank you for your input as well, friend. Quite frankly, I've seemed to have had difficulties with consistency in terms of tense in the past (my teachers will vouch for me )
Secondly, know that that last chapter isn't quite finished yet and neither is the story; therefore, also know that I will also be referring to your tips as well to increase the entertainment derived from said story.
And on a side note, sorry about the whole realism thing, but the reason I chose that situation and that number of drinks is because I was in a situation relative to it. However, considering I seldom drink with others, I suppose I should've known that not all people can hold their liquor as well as I can
Point being, I'm not sure what the average drinking amount for a normal person is. So if you would, please fill me in!
217694 Thanks, can't wait to write more!
ok, so my reply thingy is being retarded. I apologize for any mistakes and I hope you guys can figure out which messages were meant for who, because apparently my computer can't...
Wow im at the edge of my seat on this so amazing.
Very interesting, I like were you are going. However I would still like some more details.
Will continue reading on.
Very interesting, I like were you are going. However I would still like some more details.
Will continue reading on.