TheTrooper121136
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This is my first story you guys, so don't go easy on me. Please be critical so my future stories will be better
So far so good, there are a few small things you should work on and then one big one.You use italics a lot, if I were you i would try and cut down on that. It makes chunks of text hard to read when they are repeated over and over again. also when you say 'a lot' as i crashes 'a lot' you should say (a lot) parentheses show that you are adding information that is not vital for our understanding but adds flavor or clarification. The big thing you need is imagery, I struggled with this for a while as well so don't feel bad. However descriptions are very important (what was the color of the flower? was there anypony else in the bar? what did the barcolt look like? was it dark in the bar? etc. etc.). All of this will help to set the mood and keep your readers interested. Without the descriptions it is just a bit hard to read your story and harder to enjoy, I will continue on and read the other chapters and will amend my comments after that.
wow that was poweful man good work I cant wait for more
Hokay, (cracks knuckles) here we go.
This really isn't bad. It's a delightfully misleading shipfic that goes into a hideous black pit of angst and depression at the end. More importantly, the shipping itself makes sense, the pacing is well done for the most part, and the plot follows very logically. The flashbacks made it seem like a bit less of a "OMG I love you, even though we're just three lines in" thing, which is great. Characterization: good, if a tad over-dramatic.
That said, I had some major issues with the tense. You kind of switched between past and present tense with irritating frequency. And...this is really just personal preference, but centering thoughts is just plain awkward. I also noticed a few instances where multiple characters are talking in the same paragraph, which is a big no-no. If a new character talks, it should be a new paragraph.
The ending also feels a little rushed, which is understandable. To be honest, there's not a whole lot you can do about it, but it could be better. There are also some errors with apostrophes (you frequently use Applejacks instead of Applejack's) and my all-time favourite pet peeve: improper use of it's. "It's" is a short form for "it is." The apostrophe in that context does not imply possession. It's a common mistake, but still irritating.
My last issue is with realism. Dash essentially put down ten shots of (I'm assuming sixty to eighty proof) liquor in a few minutes. If she was drinking that much that fast, not only would the bartender be way more concerned, but she would have passed out very quickly. Even if she didn't she wouldn't be in any condition to fly to Sweet Apple Acres and have a heart-to-heart.
It's a really great story, and has definite potential, but it needs a lot of polishing. Ordinarily I would rate this around a 3.5, but since there's no other ratings, I'll be generous and give you a 4.
Well done. For your first story, it's surprisingly good. Keep it up.
217620
Thankyou for your input and I will be sure to consider your tips and refer to them in stories to come. After reviewing what I had wrote, I came to realize that you are 100% correct on the whole lack of imagery. Which kind of depresses me that I wouldn't focus on something so important
BTW, know that this story is not finished and I will be making adjustments in the Chapters already written
Favorited
217717 Thank you for your input as well, friend. Quite frankly, I've seemed to have had difficulties with consistency in terms of tense in the past (my teachers will vouch for me
)
Secondly, know that that last chapter isn't quite finished yet and neither is the story; therefore, also know that I will also be referring to your tips as well to increase the entertainment derived from said story.
And on a side note, sorry about the whole realism thing, but the reason I chose that situation and that number of drinks is because I was in a situation relative to it. However, considering I seldom drink with others, I suppose I should've known that not all people can hold their liquor as well as I can
Point being, I'm not sure what the average drinking amount for a normal person is. So if you would, please fill me in!
217694 Thanks, can't wait to write more!
ok, so my reply thingy is being retarded. I apologize for any mistakes and I hope you guys can figure out which messages were meant for who, because apparently my computer can't...
well that was an intresting chapter
217810
It's k, when you get it sorted out go back and edit your comments (love that new feature)
218219
lol, thanks. I think there was more I could have done with it, though. Oh well, I tried
UMMMMMM... I did not see a clopfic developing but I think I like it! Very good chapter though.
218441
Yeah, in all honesty, it wasn't in my original thought process, but after writing it, it just felt right to add it. Glad to know you approve!
218471I don't just approve. I WANT MOAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
218519
The story's not done yet
That was amazing, this is one of the few fics I could not tear myself away from for more than a second. I feel all the feelings! Please keep up the good work!
219027
Thank you friend, I'm glad I could entertain you and I will continue the good work.
you may have three mustache spikes
Wow this has indeed gotten good. Mind = blown
Wow im at the edge of my seat on this
so amazing.
219937
I'm nearly done with a new chapter, I hope you like it
219943 I am going to love it as much as im really getting into these Appledash shippings. This along with Pillow thoughts are probably the best ones I read so far. As far as some of the words you said could be adjusted, its overall amazing. Im on chapter 4 to see what happens next.
Im loving this 
This brings me closer to writing a fic myself soon.
219947 It was an appledash fic that drew me into writing in the first place, so I thought it would be appropriate to do one myself
Right. Nine shots of 160-proof alcohol? It doesn't matter how well you can hold your drinks. That is, without any uncertainty, a lethal case of alcohol poisoning. Forget plot livers, or anything like that. There is no way anyone could survive that. That, and slamming into the ground after creating a Sonic Rainboom (which, by approximating the angle of the resultant Mach cone, would require a speed of around Mach 5) without any injuries at all? Okay, you mentioned that she decelerated, but that kind of braking would likely tear her wings off, and subject her to approximately 1200 Gs, which would turn her internal organs into Jell-O.
Apart for that, I'm noticing a significant improvement in writer's craft, emotion and all that...kinda skipped over the cloppy bit though, so I can't really critique that. It's just...not my thing. There's still a few issues with the use of "it's" (remember, it's short for "it is!" It's not a possessive imposition in that context!) Overall, not bad. If there's one thing that should be applauded here, it's decent pacing. Way too many shipfics don't have that. So, for a first story, this is very well done. Keep it up. You've got potential.
Just...in the future, work on medical realism. For no other reason than to satisfy me. Please?
220118 Again, please understand that I choose my numbers based on my experiences. I can drink that much, my friend. Understand that I'm a solitary drinker and you have yet to tell me the average a person can drink. When I was 16, my father gave me free reign to two bottles of Captain Morgan spiced rum. Needless to say, both were gone within the hour. I'm really at a loss here. I NEED AVERAGES AND NOPONY WILL TELL ME!
Secondly, and don't take this out of context, I'm an F-16 pilot working with the USAF in the 6th S,O.S. Operational Aviation Detachment A stationed in fucking Arizona of all places(in case you didn't pick up on that, I really hate it here
) And trust me when I tell you that pulling out of a 90 degree nosedive even at mach 2.5 (btw, a sonic rainboom is simply a break in the sound barrier that also rifts the light. In laymans terms, the wavelength gets thrown outta whack. Something of this sort actually happens in real life, but the light wavelengths travel so fast we can barely see them. this is apparently a cartoon where you can see rifts in the light...there goes your realism...) is possible if you are an experienced flyer. Look up on youtube F-22 nosedives and you'll see what I mean. Have I ever done it myself, hell no. I don't exactly feel like committing suicide. Just know that it is possible.(and in case you're wondering, yes, my balls get busted a lot by my squadmates for liking and writing about this. but I don't really care.)
And Lastly, and don't take this out of context either, while realism is nice, we're dealing with talking ponies with magical and flight abilities and ponies who have stretchy arms to hug all their friends. Point being, if it truly was realistic, it'd be about a pony who gets mounted by a steed just because...that's realism.
However, even though I may have come off like a jackass, I really do appreciate the criticism. Thank you!
I've been sick for five days with nothing better to do...
220172 Yes, I am aware that it's a cartoon, but I'm a biology major, so I'm nitpicky about this stuff. That, and the angle of the Mach cone created in the Sonic Rainboom episode is proportional to speed through application of trig ratios. The speed to create that sort of Mach cone would be around Mach 5. Here's the video showing the calculation. (No, that's not me.) And technically, that effect could be created by multiple-density refraction caused by the sonic boom itself. I'd try to explain it further, but the wave mechanics involved are incredibly complex, and since I'm not a physics major...
So, the average on alcohol tolerance. Generally, when someone's BAC is over 0.1, they're drunk. On average, four shots of eighty-proof will do it. Nine shots will take you to 0.26, at which point you can be called utterly shit-faced. Now, considering what Dash was drinking was double the alcohol content, her resultant BAC would be between 0.5 and 0.54, at which point she'd be suffering from a lethal case of alcohol poisoning.
As for how you managed to survive drinking two bottles of Captain Morgan's in an hour...that's completely beyond me.
On another note, you're a fighter pilot? That's badass!
220239 Hmm...well played on the Mach argument. I suppose I just assumed the correlation between it and real life with the whole rift in wavelength garbage. In all honesty, I took the name for what it was, a sonic boom with a rift in light. I guess what's really happening is she's shattering through the light spectrum. Lol, I love this show. Go figure I missed something so important...the fucking shape of the Mach cone...
Oh god, please, just don't tell my flight instructor, he'd prolly ground my whole squad if he saw I was so stupid
Thank you for the averages, and I don't know how I do it either. In December, I broke my collar bone while I was out drinking. When I told the doctor how much I had to drink (nine shots of pure brain smearing liquor. This was the experience I based my numbers on) his face fucking froze. He sent me to the ER for alcohol poisoning, except there wasn't any. He assumes it has something to do with my body density. Which would explain why I'm so skinny but weigh so much. I wear a size 30 in pants, I'm 6'2'' and I weigh 241 lbs....legit...da fuck is up with my body...?
And as for the other note, you're damn straight I'm a fighter pilot! Now you know why I love Dash so much!
Just remember, I'm a pilot and I'd like to keep it that way, so please, let's keep the mistake in the realm of Ponyland!
Pretty awesome story, liked it quite a bit 5 stars for you despite all the photonic behavioral inaccuracies and what not
219955 And
are definenty happy as well as I do about this fic especially the love they then shared after the almost incident. 
Love it, love you for writing this. Now i know for SURE i want to write a fic perhaps soon. I may need bit of help though. You done this so well for this that I couldn't of done better myself even if i tried. 
Then again Im not used to writing shippings.
221086 Like I said before, I'm glad you liked it. I'm working on the sixth part, but I'm not sure if I'll get it done tonight. Be sure to check back later in case I decide to not be lazy
And I think you'll find that writing about something you truly enjoy is easier than you think. This is basically writing itself. Yeah it needs a lot of polishing, but the basic idea just keeps coming. Every time I think I've squeezed enough out of the story, something else pops up! It's actually pretty tedious.
But I digress, for being a loyal fan, i entitle you to four mustache spikes
lol, I have too much fun with this stuff
Debates aside (which makes me feel insecure) since and that Dashie to you yurself even seem like a badass, and also aside from the number of shots of alcohol done, that was a great fic chapter.
I half expected something bad to happen getting drunk at all as well as applejack would of lasted longer at least. RD is too badass and loyal to give in to the laws of biology, physics not to mention the light sectrum. 
Keep it up.
221124 I took and aced a creative writng class in college that I can somewhat self edit, but regardless would need some help expand and refine ideas (I would even ask you in all 'honesty'
)
this is a great story, and I enjoyed the comments just as much as the story its self. I always love to watch a good debate on personal experiences that come out in a story.
Very interesting, I like were you are going. However I would still like some more details.
Will continue reading on.
Very interesting, I like were you are going. However I would still like some more details.
Will continue reading on.
Well, there's the Chapter that took me so long. Please excuse the writing mistakes, these meds my field doc put me on are kickin' my ass,
but rest assured, they will be corrected when I can fucking see straight. How I managed to write the rest today is utterly beyond my comprehension. Thank Celestia for spell-check! 
225185
I understand the need for more details, which is normally not a problem. However, I'm starting to run out of original things to say and I don't want to get repetitive.
Which is much harder than it looks. Thesaurus, here I come! 
More details in this one I like it, no I don't mean that part (I skipped that part...well, skimmed over it).
Comments and Criticism of all kinds are welcome! I can't learn from my mistakes if nopony points them out!
225216
It seems I mislead a lot of people whenever I transitioned into it simply because I guess it just flowed too well for them to notice, so I decided to include the warning just in case
225289 No life is insignificant, take it from first hand experience. I grew up with a hateful mother who constantly reminded me that I would amount to nothing, and for the longest time, I felt insignificant. Now look at me!
I fly military aircraft and entertain people with stories. No life is insignificant, we all have something in store for us, we just have to know when and where to look.
Now, with my god damn, depressing philosophy out of the way, know that I was in a very similar position as you when I first actually became interested in this stuff. And ironically, it was the lessons I learned off this show and this site that drove me to become what I am today, which is why I decided to write my own stories and lessons.
I see good things for you, young one (more irony considering I'm only 26, I'm not that old myself). Oh, and I would LOVE to discuss quantum mechanics!
Well another great chapter, in this case I think it may have been better to drag this conflict into at least the next chapter (I love cliffhangers [Don't understand ponies that hate them]). However, with that said I like that you made her family the "This is for her own good" and not the "I hate homosexuality (hate is dumb even when you don't agree with a life style choice [Oh the hypocrisy {me being a hypocrite that is}
])" kind of ponies, and that when they saw the were wrong the changed their ways. Also Applejack could have soloed the whole lot of them.
225289 man, i think i found my clone, im a sophomore and i can't get enough of quantum mechanics. well just all science in general.
Absolutely amazing, loved every second of it!
225349
That's actually a really awesome comment/philosophic story. I'm inspired
225375
OMC, science and reason ftw!
225364
The whole homophobia is used in nearly every story in which she confronts her family, and me, who likes to be different, said to hell with that and spent an entire day thinking up a believable reason...which is laced with irony considering it took me FOREVER just to come up with a simple solution. But that's writing for you I guess.
You know, I actually thought about splitting the chapter into two separate ones, but after further reviewing, I decided to leave it the way it was simply because the next chapter is a different topic, and bringing information from one situation to another eventually confuses other ponies.
Now, as for the family values, I agree.
Also, after watching the show (multiple times) I came to realize that just as I do, Applejack has an emotional side that is buried under determination and a strong outside shell. So, in order for her to do what I wanted her to do, I knew something would have to break that shell, and what's more fitting than her family, who she loves and looks up to, disown her for something so trivial, it just seemed too easy. She had to break somehow...they all do
Very nice overall. You accidentally a word in a few places, but that`s just typos. The only criticism I have that`s writing-related is something I had to learn the hard way. You don`t always have to use descriptive language. Like I say, I often did the same thing, and it took several years for me to learn that you don`t have to avoid `said` like the plague. For the most part a reader can grasp the tone by the context and wording alone, so always using more expressive words for dialogue can be a bit much sometimes. You didn`t do this too much, honestly, but I thought it might be something to consider.
In a few places, too, the pronouns and adjectives were a touch repetitive. Most notably, you used `loving sleep` a fair amount. It`s not a bad thing per se, but if you establish an adjective for something once and don`t really have anything else for it, don`t be afraid to leave it without description when you use the same noun or verb again. Much like the back-and-forth in a dialogue, an adjective will effectively carry over to further references to the same thing for a while.
Just my two bits on it, it`s a wonderful story and you write very well. Hope to see more from you!
I'm grateful that you put the warning in. im not much of a fan of clopfics, just passionate-ness, no sex. And no im not shy it's just i don't
Ever want to think of ponies every day in a sexual manner.
I'm really liking how this stories developing, looking forward to the next chapter when it's up.