So far so good, there are a few small things you should work on and then one big one.You use italics a lot, if I were you i would try and cut down on that. It makes chunks of text hard to read when they are repeated over and over again. also when you say 'a lot' as i crashes 'a lot' you should say (a lot) parentheses show that you are adding information that is not vital for our understanding but adds flavor or clarification. The big thing you need is imagery, I struggled with this for a while as well so don't feel bad. However descriptions are very important (what was the color of the flower? was there anypony else in the bar? what did the barcolt look like? was it dark in the bar? etc. etc.). All of this will help to set the mood and keep your readers interested. Without the descriptions it is just a bit hard to read your story and harder to enjoy, I will continue on and read the other chapters and will amend my comments after that.
So far so good, there are a few small things you should work on and then one big one.You use italics a lot, if I were you i would try and cut down on that. It makes chunks of text hard to read when they are repeated over and over again. also when you say 'a lot' as i crashes 'a lot' you should say (a lot) parentheses show that you are adding information that is not vital for our understanding but adds flavor or clarification. The big thing you need is imagery, I struggled with this for a while as well so don't feel bad. However descriptions are very important (what was the color of the flower? was there anypony else in the bar? what did the barcolt look like? was it dark in the bar? etc. etc.). All of this will help to set the mood and keep your readers interested. Without the descriptions it is just a bit hard to read your story and harder to enjoy, I will continue on and read the other chapters and will amend my comments after that.
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