Equestria is a peaceful place, full of love and kindness. It's a
place for the happy and the benevolent to call home. But it wasn't
always like that, and even now it has it's far from perfect.
As an orphan and a blank flank, Featherdrop has experienced the
cruelties of a modern day Equestria. She is alone in her world; devoid
of the friends which she couldn't care less to have.
As a changeling, Mantodea has learned to great extent the cruelties of an equestria long gone. Everyone else around him knows how to shape shift; something Mantodea struggles to do.
Both are but children, searching for happiness in a land said to be made of it. When Mantodea captures Featherdrop to hone the skill he needs to survive and be accepted, he must search desperately for a trace of love in the life of a pony who does not believe in it.
~ ~ ~
This story has been a long time coming, but after all the planning and all the discussion it's finally in full production! but I'm not the only one to thank for it, so here's to the team!
To my partner, editor and advisor DeepShift, thank you!
To my pre-reader and grammatical technician Silver, thank you!
To my Pre-reader and grammatical technician CHeighlund, thank you!
To my Pre-reader and general positivity general, er... Goddamnanimalplanet, thank you!
To my artist LoveBronyOtakuChan87, for making the awesome cover art, thank you!
And of course, thank you to anyone who took the time and effort to read my first ever real story on fimfiction!
That's the whole team so far, but how would YOU like to have your name up there? My current editor is the best editor ever so you're not going to get a position there (sorry folks), and I already have 2 Grammatical Technicians (my pet name for people who specialize in grammar). However, I'm still searching for people to fill the role(s) of:
Expositorial Currier:
Basically someone who can help get my story out there--be it by tagging groups, posting reviews or just telling all your friends. This job is not likely a permanent one. Once I have enough exposure it will likely snowball on its own [or not, if the story sucks], but getting those first few followers is what I need you for. I will not tolerate any cheap or unethical tactics in this department, such as tagging to unrelated groups or advertising in someone else's story, blog, etc.!
This should be the last job I need fulfilled, though it may disappear on its own in due time... but I'll update if anything else opens up!
This is awesome man! I'm really happy to see it finally up and i'm loving the new title. Theres not much else to say side from 'YAYAYAYAYYAYAYAY!!!!'
Great upload! My advice is to add this story to some groups, get an appropriate cover art, and keep plugging away at the writing! In fact, I think I can help you with the group part!
Silver out!
3258125
Well, thank you! ^^ I'm glad you're excited bro.
3260707
Really? I'd love some help with the group thing! I'm not familiar with alot of groups, so there's only 2 or 3 I know of that I think would be relevant enough for me to post this there. I'll get to work on all that, but any help would be greatly appreciated!
Awh!
Thanks man! You are the best partner/editor/whatever as well! I'll see if I can find an artist, I know a few myself 
3265823
we'll be doing our best to fix that. If you wish to help all you need to do is stay tuned for further updates! (a like and a comment help too 
)
And a warm saucer of milk might be equally as useless but just as fun to say!
but if you honestly think this is highly underviewed, then thank you!
Hey, I'm still open for prereading, if you need more help give me a PM.
I like the first chapter btw.
Just thought I'd let you know that I plan to be featuring this here late this afternoon. I certainly think it needs more exposure, as you've established quite the setting already. Loving the idea of a tsundere-type as the main character. Seeing Dark work with Slice of Life without heading into sad/tragic grounds will certainly be something I in particular look forward to.
I can't wait to see what you do with young Scoot-annoying
Ooo! It looks good!
Man, the ending was brutal. Very nicely done though.
I do so love a good fight scene, especially with the underdog emerging... victorious?
Oh man, way to kill a victory.
But honestly, if I ever beat anyone to a pulp, I imagine the exact same feelings would grow in me. Very well described, Flux.
Interesting that you refer to the passage of time by moons. Still, drafting just shy of the equivalent of 11 years of age is pretty brutal. I wouldn't want to be a changeling youth in that society.
Nice work keeping to the dark themes. I'll make an update post for you in my next feature this Sunday.
3392140 thank you, thank you, and... well, thank you.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
3390200 you think so? just wait for what I've got planned later on.
3389278 thank you, I appreciate the feedback!
3393271 YAY FOR BLOOD!
Still setting up. At this point, I have no idea as to whether this story will be interesting or not. The previous chapter hinted at the former, but I'm still wsiting for something to actually happen. Anyway, the writing is good, so I'm not complaining.
A bit of a contradiction there, as well as using an adjective and an adverb to describe the same thing.
~bass
3409493
That one was a typo... meant to put unmenacingly. anyways, your point is noted (and perhaps explains a few things).
and thanks for the compliment.
Yo Flux, I just got around to reading this (sorry!) but I like what I've read. Especially this:
That had me
I wonder how Featherdrop would react to shed.mov?
That aside, very sound writing, you continue to be at the top of your game. A couple of veeeeeery minor gripes though:
needs a capital
Celestia
Keep it up, don't leave me hanging for too long! And don't be discouraged about having a close-knit audience. Nearly every opening fic by an author with next-to-no followers will struggle at first. I know I still am, but I fear there nothing I can really do about it except hope for EqD to snap it up.
This is Kalash93 of WRITE with your review.
Initial impressions were alright, but everything soon dissolved into a mess of grey slurry.
I am not exactly sure what to make of your story or how to react to it. To be entirely honest, I can barely remember anything about what I just read or why it matters. I could care less about the characters and the story. I am bored. And that is a bad place to leave someone in just act 1 of your story. This is going to hurt.
Criticism RPG Inbound!
I read through your whole story, and I honestly could not be any less engaged. The damn thing is crawling with problems. You allegedly worked on this thing as a team. I don't know where you got these guys, and I certainly have never heard of any of them, but somewhere along the line, something, or more to the point, several things, fucked up. Unless I explicitly name you, Author, or address other elements of your team, then a point applies to you and everyone you worked with. One thing that you all must realize, is that you should all help with whatever elements you can iff you see something that looks wrong.
The first problem is your grammar. The very soul of your writing itself is plagued with issues. You allegedly have two grammar technicians. They honestly blow at their jobs. Attention, you, grammar technicians, should know that, when you are writing things like direct addresses, and marking subordinate or dependent clauses, that you need to use commas. Seriously, it's like you guys have a phobia of commas. Secondly, I see chronic overuse of hyphens, such as when talking about "Scoot-annoying". You can do away with them in just about every single situation you use them in this fic. In your first chapter, you have inconsistent paragraph spacing. Sometimes, you go down a line but do not leave a gap, but at other times, you leave a whole line in between paragraphs. Either do one or the other, but not both. Choose a method and stick with it.
A second issue I have is the damnable swarm of miniature paragraphs. I have no idea why you have so many paragraphs which are no more than three three sentences at most, and many are even shorter. Merge them together. It would do wonders for your story's flow. They also have the highly unfortunate effect of making time dilate for the reader. There is the fact that the story takes up more space on the page, causing it to feel subjectively longer to the read. Know that when readers see things separated by any means at all, they tend to assume that some time passes between the things. The larger the gap, the longer the subjective time for the reader. Having many short paragraphs is something which naturally favors action scenes, as it implies a quick pace. When there is no corresponding action, this, coupled with the extra scrolling the reader has to do, very quickly frustrates the reader and makes them fatigue prematurely. You might think that you are being dramatic with these short and one sentence paragraphs, but that effect is ruined very quickly when little paragraphs are the default. It's like wearing a suit every day in a place where everybody wears one; it doesn't look important, fancy, or special. Dramatic effects or formatting are dramatic and noticeable because they are seldom used, so that when they are included, the audience is immediately drawn to them and the important information they highlight. It is generally considered good form to make paragraphs no shorter than four sentences, but an average number of between nine and sixteen sentences for your core structural paragraphs is more pleasing to read with the view most readers will have on fimfiction.
The narrative flow is dreadful. Much of this connects to how everything dissolves into grey slurry without standing out much. To be concise, nothing at all in this fic feels important. Nothing catches the eye. Nothing grabs interest. Scene transitions are weak. One never gets the sense that the scene is over and that we are transitioning to the next one. Instead, they either happen unceremoniously with an audible clunk, or the reader finds themselves being dragged off to some new place with some other characters. Events just happen. Now, this could be a good effect in a story about a depressed character or a hopeless character, but it's agony to sit through for sixteen thousand words of tedium. The problems with narrative flow relate to many things.
First of all, your paragraphs are quite uniform and short, lacking any sort of power to engage and hold the audience to impart anything upon them. The sparse textual environment means that they're either seeing if they can get clean whole lines to exactly fill up their screen, or they're scrolling away towards the bottom, skimming at the words as they zoom by. Another issue with samey paragraphs is that it's not obvious where important information is, or where any meaningful information is. This same issue is true for both long paragraphs and short paragraphs. The point is that you need variety in your writing to make a visually interesting and easily gauged story.
Secondly, your pacing is awful, It just simply is not working. This is because nothing meaningful to either the audience or the characters is happened. Look, you are sixteen thousand words into a story, and has anything really happened yet? No. For all the things that have happened, how much of it really means anything? Could anything at all be considered a defining moment that advances the arc or kickstarts the plot? No! Your description about an orphan and a Changeling needing each other to survive looked interesting, like a story that would have drama and depth to it. That's what you advertised, so where is it? So far, you've shown the audience nothing but a generic story about an OC with no friends who meets the CMC's and gets sucked into their group. There's nothing wrong with that premise, but it has been done so many times in much better stories.
Thirdly, things need to happen! I don't care if it's introspection or action, but something needs to be done to advance the plot and characters. There's slice of life, and then there's this, which is slice of life in the same vein as watching CCTV footage of a shopping mall; there's nothing worth getting invested in. You've been trying to tell a story for sixteen thousand words, and I can't see any kind of meaningful conflict, whether internal or external. Nobody is doing anything for their goals, and that's the problem! I understand that you are trying to not rush in, and introduce things bit by bit, but the audience already knows the mane six, and the cutie mark crusaders, and Ponyville. No need to reintroduce us to them; skip time and be conservative; your story drags like a fat man tied behind a snowmobile. our protagonist, Featherdrop, is an orphan who wants to be adopted. Why isn't she scouting out the ponies she's meeting and trying to get one of them to take her in? Now, that would be interesting to watch the interplay between pragmatism to leave the orphanage, versus the genuine desire to be loved.
Your protagonist, Featherdrop, is a major problem. Featherdrop is an orphan. That lends itself towards a lot of drama and opportunities for growth and introspection. However, all that complexity gets reduced down to her being angsty and not understanding how friends work. She is also unlikeable, striking me as ungrateful, passive aggressive, manipulative, and fucked up. Throughout the story, she seems to positively dislike every single other pony she comes across. At the same time, she's very self-absorbed, not once thinking of others. Her reaction to Scootaloo trying to befriend her, is annoyance, and she puts up with it seemingly only because Scootaloo somehow enables her to get away from the orphanage. In the very first chapter, she goes up to one of her caretakers and says that she hates her, and it's treated as normal. She also spends huge chunks of the story just tagging along with others, never failing to be displeased by whatever befalls her, and the whole time getting more and more resentful. This This isn't childlike behavior; this is fucked up! It would be interesting to see a character recovering from the harsh influence of the orphanage, but instead, all we have is the first person perspective of a protagonist who seems determined to be miserable. And that makes the reader miserable. It does not help that she is exceedingly dull, and apart from her slightly snarky Hot Topic shirt quirk of giving things nicknames, she has roughly the same amount of personality as the discarded packet of ramen beneath my chair.
I'd say that pretty much all your characters are poorly done. This is especially true of your changeling OC's, whose names I can barely remember, and whose personalities I can't even recall. All your characters fall into three camps: poor victims, helpful friends, and mean bullies. And that's it for their complexity of depth. Featherdrop and on of your changelings are of the victim tribe. Their distinguishing features are that they are unpopular, get picked on, and suck at what they're supposed to do. None of your characters have that much personality. Even the canon characters act like caricatures of themselves. Rarity is indecisively posh English and is generous. Sweetie Belle is bombastic. Canon Scootaloo is far more reserved and concerned with looking cool than your interpretation.
You do far too much telling instead of showing. Honestly, if the audience did not have access to what your protagonists think, then they likely would be quite confused. You do so much with narration and inner monologue that it gets in the way of experiencing the story. Quit yapping about it and let us witness it in action! Use a lot more dialogue. Actually have the characters get involved in things to demonstrate points. A perfect point for character development would have been the adoption of the colt in chapter three. Had Featherdrop been shown trying her hardest to win over prospective parents, then that scene with her crying afterwards might have had some impact, instead of making her seem unhinged for mood swinging between discontent but resigned, to hopeful, to inconsolable, without even telling us that there was a hopeful phase until later.
The absolute worst part of the story is chapter two. Half of it was weak scenes that went nowhere, and the other half was gratuitous infodumps about the changeling culture. I could hardly follow it at all. It could be cut out without harming anything, and greatly improving the story. Honestly, that chapter was just bad. My advice is that you pick a protagonist and stick with them; juggling two protagonists in this kind of story is difficult and doesn't add all that much. They're both outsiders who don't know love.
Your story feels bland. There's no kind of unique vibe to it. Sure, Featherdrop has an unattractive, but definite attitude, but the rest of the story has absolutely no zest. One mentioned that you have a team of editors. Perhaps you need to change how you heed them, because the prose is uninteresting to a stupendous degree. It's like reading a Wikipedia article. There isn't any sort of personality or heart to it. You must insert personality into the story; allow it to come alive in your own words. The writing style is very businesslike and stiff. I certainly couldn't imagine somebody using it to describe something fun. There is a lot of x verbed y in the syntax, which is not exciting to read. You really could use more choreography and body language. Using such cues would make scenes and characters come more alive, and alleviate the talking head dialogue. You also ought to add more strong descriptors and verbs to your writing. You depend heavily on adverbs to emphasize actions. Adverbs are not fun. Use extravagant words occasionally. Use zoomed, soared, ripped, smashed, thundered, sprinted, and so on. Pay careful attention to word choice, as subtle changes can mean big differences in the overall effect. Make your scenes colorful with lots of imagery and analogies. Don't be afraid to get outlandish.
I don't understand why the dark tag is here. Nothing particularly dark has happened. Much unpleasantness has transpired, but nothing properly dark. There haven't been any sort of murder, torture, kidnapping, or those sorts of reprehensible acts.
Deserved Praise inbound!
You definitely understand the basics of scene. That is good, as this is important for writing engaging stories. Your scenes are introduced quickly and efficiently with a bit of useful imagery. Good setup, but you have white void syndrome, where your characters begin to act independently of any sort of physical objects or scenery. I advise that you make it more obvious where scenes begin and end, because it can get confusing.
Your dialogue is fine. The inner monologue of your protagonists is definitely one of the highlights of the story. Your characters have a tendency to blend together somewhat, but it's not too bad. You really could use more dialogue, because what you write is not bad, and it would be far more interesting to overhear dialogue than it would be to read narration or see yet more inner monologue. It breaks up the monotony and gives the golden opportunity for simultaneous plot advancement, character development, and entertaining the reader. Never underestimate the power of good dialogue.
Tone and mood in this story are actually dead on. The story feels desaturated to match the loneliness of your protagonists. The story is not happy, but it continues marching on regardless. It takes itself just seriously enough to work, but also knows when to allow in comic relief, such as when Featherdrop is finding something absurd about her experiences. These moments are perfectly timed.
Final Conclusion Inbound!
This presents an awkward dilemma where is seems like you get some advanced aspects of writing, like tone, but fail at basic aspects of writing, like pacing. Your story has a lot of problems, but there is one key issue that really bugs me about it: I can't bring myself to care.
The only word to describe its impact is, insubstantial. I don't care about the world, or the story, or the characters. That is a massive shortcoming, especially considering the fact that you now have about sixteen thousand words down, and they have all failed to make me care or become invested in the fic. There is just so much wrong with the fic that it should have eliciting a much stronger reaction from me -- should have made me angrier, but it didn't. Instead, I came out apathetic and underwhelmed. While this does mean that there had to be good aspects to counteract the bad ones, it also means that these were not enough to make me like your fic, which is a grave sin in itself. For a sixteen thousand word story to have zero impact across its three chapters is quite a failing.
And that is why I am going to be harsh on this story, despite personally not hating it. You're enthusiastic and you want to do a good job, author. That's why you sent for a WRITE review. My verdict is that your story needs a lot of work to become more engaging and more enjoyable across all fronts. Take a good look at your team and reevaluate it. Get some guys who really know what they are doing, and have the history to back it up. This is your first fanfic, and so of course, it is going to be one of your worse works. Keep on writing and asking for feedback, and you shall improve in time. I hope that your future projects go better.
Your story is deeply flawed, and so it wins a mere 3/10 flutteryays. This means that your story has numerous problems, but it is neither offensive nor irredeemable. 5/10 is average.
Kalash93 -- The wall of text master.
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3441619 Oy... well, thank you for putting it bluntly. Seriously, thank you, I actually have something to work off of now. I'm not sure I have anything to say aside from thank you... so... yeah.
Alot to process, but I have the rest of my life to work on those flaws.
3441619>>3448637
Now I remember why I don't preread!
Seriously, it was only a matter of time before my incompetence was discovered. I'm surprised it took this long.
If I don't know what this word means, then I probably shouldn't be on this site.
I should probably quit before I damage this fic anymore. Resigning would be the honorable thing to do.
I apologize writer!
I may have come a long way, and fought long and hard over all this time, but the fact remains that I still suck.
Silver out!
3450509 you seem to be taking this harder than I am.
but if you want to go, that's your choice.
*reads the very long, critical review*
Huh.
Well, I'm interested. *faves and follows*
Oh. That's upsetting
It seems like it's just getting to the real juice of the story! Damn man, I really wanna see this continue
What's the reasoning?
...well thats a shame. It was fun while it lasted though.
If you ever continue this or need any help with upcoming projects let me know, ya dig?
Huh, already?
Damn. Well, don't be too long! I was interested and I want to know what happens next!
3579975
Because of a review I got.
It's not the review itself that made me chose to end this here. Usually I would have taken the criticism to heart (as I have) and chosen instead to make the next chapters far better. However, the review made me think a good deal about where my story's at, and I realized that it has deviated so far from what I'd originally intended to do that what I'd originally intended to do is no longer present. As a result, I have decided to rewrite this story under a whole new premise once my writing skill has improved in the suggested areas.
3584342
...Well, shit.
Hmmm. So, a hiatus tag, then?
3584528
... Y'know, I could have sworn I'd put a haitus tag on this.