Rarity's parents leave her and Sweetie Belle for an entire week for vacation leaving her to take care of her little sister.
Everything was going great until Sweetie came up with the idea of entering the Sisterhooves Social, but ended up in a huge fight causing Sweetie to run away from home leaving a note behind, but what could it be?
NOTE: Before you say anything about grammar errors, I already went through Microsoft word and fixed it the best I could, yes I can understand if errors are still existing, but I will have my proof readers look at it in the future chapters.
Thanks for understanding.
Update: Part of Chapter 2-Putting the Pieces Together belongs to my bud FreeHomeBrew.
Chapters (2)
Fabulous!
I keep an eye on all Sweetie Belle fics, and try to comment on all of them and leave a bit of critique.
I like the idea behind this story, its execution and the writing, however, could be improved upon.
First off, (and I know it's a grammatical issue, and I read your note about not pointing them out; however, as a writer, I am compelled to point out certain things because I know doing so is an act of kindness towards a fellow author. I just want you to learn from this experience, so that you can hone your craft.) your dialogue needs punctuation.
Secondly, your story slips out of past tense a few times and is jarring for the reader.
Thirdly, is your use of numbers. I highly recommend spelling them out rather than using '6' or '7'. This does pull people out of the reading experience.
Fourth. I think that last section doesn't make too much sense, from a narrative viewpoint. After all, Rarity was telling the story up until now, so to cut away to a part from Sweetie's point of view doesn't make too much sense. You should at least let the readers know that Rarity is done telling her friends the story.
Fifth, and the last point I'll make. Do not use asterisks to signify a character's action. It is superfluous and detracts from the experience.
Thanks for writing, and I hope this criticism does not come off as mean-spirited. I enjoyed the concept and wish you the best as you continue writing. If you want to discuss any of these points I made, or anything else, you can PM me. I'm always willing to help when I have the time. I think I'll give this a follow and see where it goes.
~SilentBelle
To clear things up, I have added a few more words to this chapter, with going back to present time from the CMC Clubhouse.
My honest opinion on the matter. Not meant to be mean, only critical.
I was hoping to see a larger improvement in the quality of writing in this second chapter, but there are so many errors, that it is distracting. Also, the dialogue between the characters seemed rushed, forced, and out of character at different points. I was not immersed in the story, due to the clunky nature with which it was presented.
I highly recommend working on improving your writing skills by finding a good editor who is willing to walk you through every mistake, or someone willing to give you solid and honest feedback on your story before you post it.
If you have any questions about this comment, you can PM me and feel free to talk to me. I write critiques like these because I want to see people improve.
Too bad this wasn't finished it was really good.