Hi! My name is Dark Blossom. Life is hard when you're different or in my case weird! My mom, Queen Chrysalis, says its fine to be different. I know she pity's me.
I was a accident a curse. I was born from a curse! I look like a pony. A normal old earth pony but I'm not, I can change into any living creature other than changelings or other ponies. I'm dying too, or how I like to call it, broken. That's the fun part!
Well, sometimes when you're desperate magic does its magic and you can be fixed. The only problem is that the only magic powerful enough to save me won't. I truly doubt the Elements of Harmony would want to save the only creature who could bring down their empire.
Chapters (4)
...I think you mean "curse", but I could be wrong.
2687632
I do
Now as interesting as this story sounds, tragedy is a huge turnoff for me so I'll be avoiding this, but because this has a very interesting premise, and if not for the tragedy I would most certainly give this a try, I shall give you a thumbs up.
I did however skim through the first chapter, your grammar and spelling need a bit of work, in the first few sentences you had "mummers", personally I think you meant murmurs, and the " I just smiled my shy smile and sit down" I believe you need to replace "sit" with "sat".
This story has huge potential, but it really needs some polishing to become the gem it was meant to be. Good luck!
2687688
I guess you still read it. I'm actually figuring out the difference between the two now!
thanks for those little things any help is great!
I think I should change tragedy to sad.
2687709 Sad is, well, sad. The story can be sad throughout, but can end happily.
Tragedy, oh boy, I hate tragedy. "tragic play: a serious play with a tragic theme, often involving a heroic struggle and the downfall of the main character" so basically if your main character dies at the end then it's tragic. I can deal with sad, but if the main character struggles and tries her best, only to fail in the end, leaves me crying. There is no happy ending, and I hate not having a happy ending.
There is a fine line between sad and tragedy, and it's very easy to cross that line.
2687732
thanks for explaining
Yeah this is definitely not tragedy.
Seems a bit bland and rushed. You could add a bit more personality to your characters, slow down the speech by adding more descriptions of whats around them, describe what the nurses are doing... Other than that...
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw197_large.jpg
Writing in first person is hard, and only a few writers can pull it off.
I suggest third-person writing.
2697575
I'll definitely try to slow it down.
Thanks for the advise. I actually find it hard to write out of first person.
Is that directed at a certain lazy someone perhaps
?