After a weather report turns out to be wrong, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are soaked in the rain, and a big secret of Silver Spoon's is literally revealed.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 2nd Jan, 2012
- offline last seen 8 hours ago
Diamond Sparkle
I am pleased I joined here and hope to rp on YM with someone.
Diamond Sparkle
Joined 2nd Jan, 2012 ·
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I like were this is going and I can see some trouble not only from Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon's parents but CMC at some point.
Nice concept , very descripitive but it feels rushed , too much happened in so little time
2629952 If I had been writing this with someone else, it would have been so much better. At least I made it descriptive enough this time.
Wait what?!?!!... That's it???? Wha.. WhA...
.
.
.
Really??
2631589 There will be at least one more chapter, maybe two or three.
2631682 if you could make This chapter like, 20%x10 less event dense that would be great.
2631704 If I ever rework it I'll let you know.
Wow. You really need more... stuff in between events like that. Just anything to make everything not happen all in one ball of rushed words and actions.
The slang term is 'pacing'.
Relevant (somewhat):
S.S. is super creepy right about now. Her special talent is being in love with D.T.? Can some one say emotionally dependent stalker?
2717276 Cheap Trick is a better fit
To all who say that to much happened in so little time, know this, time is an ilusion our minds make time flow so that every thing doesn't happen at once. So no the story was not rushed
This feel a bit rushed but is not that bad. But this will not go well. The Sad tag annoy me.
2944646 Einstein, Hawking, and String Theory say differently!
Time can be measured as easily as space. Time perception is relative, and in a story you need pacing. It's the difference between swallowing horse pills (LOL) and a stand of spaghetti.
The story was rushed. You could have made it work with two thousand words. Add in a sub scene with DT thinking over what happened. Tell us how nervous SS is before and after her confession. Where did they run to get out of the rain? Things like that.
3211682 well doctor who.
"I feared that you would be disgusted with me and shut you out of your life if you knew."
Would be most eager to forgive and accept Silver has the same affliction they do.
would be reluctant to forgive and maybe act indifferent, neither condemning nor supporting Silver.
would probably be most likely to make fun of her for being a hypocrite.
should be
"I feared that you would be disgusted with me and shut ME out of your life if you knew."
(and there is at least one more mistake where "you" is misused)
I would interpret such a mark as not LOVING her but SERVICE and LOYALTY to Diamond Tiara being her special talent.
and she got it too soon after the fake washed away. Too convenient and you missed a golden opportunity to create friction between them and therefore conflict. She should have had to suffer as a blank flank for a day or two while Diamond considers what she said and what Silver means to her.
Diamond would feel betrayed, she would have yelled, sent her away, maybe go home and think about it. It would take her a while to realize she feels the same way. Maybe she recalls when the would bump their butts together and how good it felt to have her by her side.
Either the next day or on the second day Diamond would confess she has feelings that are similar.
I mean for Luna's sake, DT said she wanted Silver to meet her parents and be introduced as a couple. that is WAY too fast.
And I see DT as the "Closet lesbian" type
I predict that the CMC would react this way. (if Silver was a blank flank for a day or more)
You could have used this conflict as well. Maybe DT see's Scoots making fun of Silver and defends her.