Set in the 958th year, 42 years before the return of Nightmare Moon, archeologist Daring Do and her sister must find the elements of harmony before a fringe group of ponies use the elements' power to take over Equestria.
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RainbowCache
Joined 5th Feb, 2012 ·
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's pretty good.
Promising, but you're starting new paragraphs WAAAY too much. Where there's no dialogue, you can squish a bunch of those paragraphs together.
Also, your sentences are a bit on the bland side - remember Daring Do is meant to be about adventure! Every sentence needs to be packed with enthusiasm and excitement to really rivet the reader in place. Remember these stories are supposed to have gotten Rainbow Dash to sit down and read, so it's got to be pretty gripping stuff. Try reading some passages aloud and seeing how they sound. If they're dull or sound like a 10th grader's homework, you need to go back and spice it up. Most of your dialogue is fine, but your description is a bit... monolithic. Try looking for more exciting ways to describe things.
This is the single greatest idea I've ever heard of.
However, its execution could use a bit of...life. like hahatimeforponies said, this is adventure. Liven it up and go all out! Read an Indiana Jones book for reference, too.
Did you name Kiefer after Kiefer Sutherland?
212481 Yessir! I'll rewrite the tone to be a bit less stale and academic. This is exactly the kind of feedback I hoped for. Thank you.
212522 Kiefer is German for pine tree.
I can see what the people above mean, but a sort of utilitarian prose like this isn't such a bad thing. It seems to me that, during an action scene, the concrete details are what is important, not having interesting, non-standard sentences. If you want more adventure, you could always put in more action-filled events (but keep in mind the issue of pacing). Of course, you should probably plan some points in the story to elaborate on the imagery a little bit if you want these ancient temple places to really come alive.
212884 Will do.