I read and write in an attempt to figure out which questions and beliefs our little microcosm of a community holds. My verdict? I'm not saying.
In 2020, Equestria appeared in the Pacific Ocean. The native inhabitants of the land eventually formed a lukewarm relation with humans, and time went on with new advancements on either side. By 2054; however, the relations were set to boil over as questions of where the future would take humanity and equines set everyone on a collision course with one another.
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Ponification? As actual transhumanism, instead of a precondition for asylum?
Shut up and take my money.
I much appreciate all of you who have taken the time to read this far, and I hope you choose to comment, regardless of whether or not you intend to stay and see how the rest of this story unfolds.
Also, for the veteran writers out there who may be shaking their heads, I'm perfectly aware of how cliche it is to have a character with amnesia, but there is also an in-universe explanation - and lampshade of the fact - coming up in the next chapter.
Wait you write TCB?! I thought you never left the shipping lane.
Your worldbuilding could do with a little more fleshing out, I think. Very vague.
EDIT: Now that I'm not a) working or b) falling asleep, I've had a read, and here's a more detailed review.
Upshot: This is like, third-draft material. Good enough that it's coherent and mostly there, but it still needs polish. But since you've gone ahead and posted it as such, I'll judge it by "fully edited" criteria.
Grammar's pretty much spot on, save for a few dropped balls with typos and missed dialog tags. Which means the things I did not like about the story are actually part of the meat.
Pacing links to worldbuilding. You've given us a great macroview of the world, but no micro. We don't know where the story takes place, the overall state of the city. Other stories at least go so far to say "megadome/city" or set the story in roughly-modern times. At least then, we have an idea of what to expect, and how to react to news that Hurricane Martinez is fucking up San Diego. (If the city's set in NZ, we can safely write off that information as "fucking useless", because we're miles away from San Diego). We don't even have a name for the city - even if amnesia has stolen it, the lady at the pharmacy would probably refer to the pharmacy as [pharmacy franchise] [city name]. ("NanoMed Chicago", for example)
Also linked to this, your hamhanded grasp of said worldbuilding. You're forcing information in crude and unnatural ways, making people say things that make no sense for them to say, just to convey knowledge to the reader which doesn't matter to us or apply at present. Relevant information first. Setting. Then talk about shit like Barick's Syndrome by name when it becomes possibly relevant or in passing. Those people the protagonist passed - they were a golden opportunity to name-drop Barick's Syndrome and you fudged it.
The way you implemented it, via the advertisement, was hamfisted and leads me to believe that you've never seen an advert before. Here's my take on the advert.
Same job, different execution, better flow.
Another note that springs to mind: For a street thug, the guy who got shanked in the groin was surprisingly coherent and capable. Most people, you stab them in the thigh with a horn or knife, they fall over, scream a lot, and maybe, if you're lucky, they'll convey useful information. The first thing your thug says is "One of them! Basement! Past the laundry!" before screaming about how he's bleeding. My advice: Reverse that. He screams in pain, about how he's bleeding, about how one of the little fuckers just shanked him. That'll call allies pretty fast. Then they'll see protag, and bang bang, here comes the gunfire.
Tangential issue: PER, if they're slated to show up as themselves or under an alternative name, have no motive. Their goal was to turn all humans to ponies, so Celestia could go ahead, expand the barrier without wiping out billions of humans, and create a new, fresh world, thereby saving the Earth. Ponification for the Earth's Rebirth, yeah? No dome threat means this can never happen.
With regards to the new universe - conversion isn't necessary. Humans can walk freely in Equestria, from what I can tell, and by your own word of god, the barrier is not a threat. The only benefits are that a) you can compete with man-machines dependant on Neophin, and... that's it. Celestia offering free refuge to converts was never brought up, which leads me to assume she won't in this universe - ponification is a purely elective choice, which would not warrant wide-spread distribution of "transition clinics". Not to mention such excessive transhumanism would not go down well with most of humanity. Getting a robo-arm is one thing, changing from humanoid to equine is another. They need a damned good reason, or it isn't happening.
Which links to the next thing that bugs me. I'm loathe to even acknowledge the existience of the "pony wank" classification that SpaceBattlers and ACB like to bandy about, but I'm going to firmly stick one of those labels on this story. Ponies with a lifespan that shits all over human lifespan, and strength/agility/utility to compete with augmented humans? You're pushing it, sunshine.
And lastly, the world just needs more flavor overall. The receptionist in the pharmacy. All I got out of it was a face, and a capitalistic one at that, expecting a pony with nothing on him to buy something. But that's a cold action, at odds with how much care she appears to project. Fixable with some flavor - perhaps she's reading a newspaper/tablet when protag first arrives, and doesn't bother to look up when he asks, just operating on bored reflex?
The PHF guys hunting protag in the hotel? Organized stormtroopers, or inbred fucks with scatterguns, looking to paint the hotel red? Why were they even there? Scatter a few pony corpses around, maybe some augmented humans, and this all seems like just a case of super-bad luck. Even if the circumstances behind protag's conversion are the big plot twist, just saying that there's other corpses around or whimpers of pain echoing through the corridors before being silenced with a gunshot or a meaty whack can do wonders for my suspension of disbelief.
Overall: Middling. Details that I deem critical are missing, and excessive in places that I do not deem even relevant. Execution could use work. The logic exhibited by characters in this story doesn't make any sense to me, and so the story suffers.
The first chapter was alright. Some of the news articles set the scene, and the chess game was alright. But pretty much everything else, I found issue with at least somewhere along the line.
2593841
2593901 And previously I've been told that I put in too much for the first bit. I have an entire fiction to give out information as it becomes relevant, or for purposes of foreshadowing.
Not bad i will be watching oh and please don't go full on TCB on us
And i am getting a very Deus ex vibe from this
2593912
Is that the pinkie murder face or the pinkie is happy face?
Cyberpunk and ponies together? Hints of transhumanism? Me gusta!
Carry on.
Dues Ex! The augmentations, the gangs, the anti-rejection drugs, they all originally came from that game, correct? If I am, then I must congratulate you on how well you fitted that into your plot. Getting all the details from a game, and fitting all of that into a story isn't an easy thing to do, you know. Unless...
2594894
While they were in that game, Deus Ex didn't originate those concepts. Deus Ex is pretty standard by-the-book cyberpunk fare. That's part of what makes it a great game. Cyberpunk, if you didn't know (and if you did, just ignore me) as a genre has been around since 1980, but was popularized primarily by, for example, the film Bladerunner in 1982 and the book Neuromancer in 1984. Ghost in the Shell is also often looked upon an epitome of the genre.
2595215, cewl, a history lesson
Edit: Now I'm definitely going to add this to my read laters..
2595215 don't forget shadowrun
2595215 Ghost in the shell is more post-cyberpunk
2595372
True enough.
2595384 On a side note what do you think of the upcoming ghost in the shell arise
2595389
EDIT: the hell? Fimfic ate like half my post.
To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was coming until I posted earlier. I googled GitS to see what year the manga started and was surprised to find they were making these new films. I'm excited for it, even though Stand Alone Complex is my favorite version of the franchise. What was jarring was seeing the poster with all of the characters withe their new designs, particular the Major and especially Aramaki. What made me chuckle though, was seeing that everyone had was changed a little and had at least a little change up to their design, all except Togusa. Guy looks EXACTLY the same.
2595420 the manga is what ever i dont read it the show is good
Oh and do you mean this guy
static.midboss.com/batou.png
2595434
No that's Batou, as you can see in the address of your picture. In the picture below, Togusa is the one on the right, with the long hair and suit.
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/a/a2/GITSARISE.jpg
2595465 I didn't not know witch one you were talking about so i just thought you meant Batou. They all look the same as they did in the show and i do like that i am ok with how the major looks i mean it is a prequel
2593921 2594894 Deus Ex was one of my inspirations, and there are a few other science-fiction works that I've been drawing upon for this story. And there will be supportive cast and enemies from humans (augmented and not) and ponies.
Thank you for the vote of confidence, 2594219
2594030 It was happy Pinkie.
2595508 It looks like it will turn out to be a good story.
Oh and if a human can be turned into a pony can they turn a pony into a human because that would be really cool.
2595551 At this point in the time-line, transforming a pony into a human - whether they were a pony at birth or not - can't be done, but it's something that's being researched.
I need to have some gravity to the situation of the character being changed, and to the decision in its entirety for the rest of the world. To be fair though, getting augmentations removed results in being crippled, as one is left only with basic prosthetics that don't integrate with the nervous system, so it too is, at that point, difficult to go back on.
2595651 I do hope to see more worldbuilding in the next chapter
A TCB-influenced thriller that takes nothing for granted?
Despite my eternal dislike for forced-context news article exposition this is a well-written, well-paced, and well-balanced start. A bonus point for the juicy chess scene.
o man celestia what were you thinking making that kind of potion!? you just gave the crazies of all kinds fuel to try new heights of madness birth of a new kind of terrorists big whoops on her part no? she really didn't think this out to well... and to think there no barrier no convert or die! she should of waited till there was a human potion to go with that pony one...
wouldn't it be just horrible and sick if the crazies take the potion concept and twist it to make bio weapons out of all kind of sentients and other creature's equastria and earth just for there goals? dark thought and fuel for a anti pony group.
3270782 Indeed, it's good to know that my story is piquing your interest so.
In 2020, Equestria appeared in the Pacific Ocean. Looks at date well i sure hope so