- Member Since 5th May, 2013
- offline last seen Dec 26th, 2014
LightMask
The guy with too much time, and not enough drive to write.
LightMask
Joined 5th May, 2013 ·
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I wish you'd gone the extra effort to remove the "anonymous in equestria" element. If this is a character whose only point is sexy shenanigans, and they're made into a stallion anyway, then there's no point in it being originally a human, and in my opinion AiE detracts from the story and encourages bad writing.
That's a nice little set-up, I'll be watching out for more.
Well....keep this going!
CONTINUE
MOAR!...please
2532835
I have to agree with you on that part, and I do have a comment from one of the people helping me convert this into a story.
I completely understand the complaint about Anon in Equestria in this story. I'm not going to play the "It's porn, who cares?" card because frankly, I agree. Keep in mind though, that this wasn't originally a "story" in the usual sense. It was a forum game, with prompts for what happens next, and whoever happened to feel like it submitting. The person running this basically picks replies and updates us on the results of what we had happen, often in very short form. The section with Zecora (not counting Discord's scene) is over 1,400 words. The actual scene in the greentext was 98. There's going to be some variation in goals (sometimes this is good, as you'll see scenes ahead that are more than "find mare, screw mare") and like the anon intro, that's an artifact of the story's origins. You can argue that I should write that stuff out, but I'm trying to stay pretty faithful, because I don't consider this mine--I'm just fleshing it out. (Rest assured, I won't hesitate to change things here and there for quality, but the main thrust isn't my call.) If you can look past the rough spots that a lack of singular vision and an origin as a forum game cause, great--I'm happy people are enjoying the clop. If you can't, I understand why, and I don't fault you.
tl;dr: This didn't come from my mind alone, and that both causes problems and benefits. If you can enjoy it as is, great. If not, that's cool too--I'm not pretending this is the best clopfic possible. I'll try to minimize the anon aspects some going forward, but it is what it is.
We are interested in thy story. We will be tracking it, thou hast writing talent and we like Discords character.
Good job so far.
2532835
I'll have to disagree with you there. OneTripPony's AiE is a wonderful story (it seems defunct now, unfortunately), and there are lots of others that are a good read as well.
Add more mind control? It is my favorite, and there seems to be almost none of the kind of stuff your doing around here. Can't wait for the next chapter!
This is fantastic!
Can't wait for moar.
2540717
O__o
Wow, when I said I couldn't wait for moar, I didn't realize I literally would not have to wait more than ten more minutes!
Great timing, LightMask!
EDIT: btw, I really love that this story involves a little bit of Timestop as well.
Timestop and MC work really well together, and it's a genre that is very unfortunately underrepresented.
You sir, and by extension all the people who originally developed this story, are all awesome.
I demand a side chapter sometime where we get to know What sweetie belle did to Scootallo and Applebloom
2541996
i agree!
2541996
Definitely
The use of the hat. Yes. I'm not the only one who wants that!
I'm the anon whose comment LightMask relayed above in italics (he's welcome to verify that if he wishes). I didn't have a FiM account, or want one, but positive response to this has changed my mind. Just posting in regard to the... three now... requests for a side chapter based on Blank Sheet having given Sweetie Belle her friends. If I find time, or catch up to the greentext on Sleepychan, and come up with an idea I think is interesting enough, I may write it for you, but it'd probably be clean if I did. I've got nothing against foal stuff, but I'm not sure I'd be comfortable writing it. I don't generally write fanfics at all, (or read them, honestly), and this is the only erotica of ANY kind I've ever written, so I'd rather stay in my depth.
That was amazing. I would very much like to see more chapters as intense as this one.
Seriously, it's not often that clop gets to be that engrossing.
A little vague on the whole clop section, I was kind of hoping for more substance to the whole thing.
2546123
Glad you enjoyed it! That one was one of my submissions in the original greentext, and I had a lot of fun fleshing it out. I'm not sure I can muster that intensity super frequently, but there's an upcoming scene with a brother and sister that I expect will get close...
I love this story so much! Seriously. Thank you so much for writing this.
!LoL!
Two more chapters sent off to LightMask, should be up as soon as he checks his mail and looks over them. This catches me up with the Sleepychan greentext that started all this, which means that other than maybe doing that CMC side chapter people were asking for, it might be a bit before the next chapter while I wait for the greentext to advance.
This story, is absolutely amazing!
It's like a dream come true. I never want it to end.
2544044
That sounds really nice.
Honestly, I'd be more interested in a clean story as well.
Foalcon crosses one too many boundaries even for my debased standards.
I can ust imagine Sweetie Belle using Applebloom and Scootaloo as actors in little plays though. Lots of old historical reenactments, with Sweetie as the Princess of course. Applebloom and Scootaloo, due to the literal commands Sweetie gives them (EX: "you're Starswirl, and you're Nightmare Moon!"), actually believe they're their characters, and act accordingly.
Perfectly innocent, plus hilarious and totally adorable.
I love this story, i don't want to see it end
"Face met hoof as I cursed and wondered just how I’d imagined it would be otherwise."
I was so hoping he had just hypnotised himself there XD
There's one thing he should be really really careful about- namely his new pet.
Keep in mind that her main goal in life is to make him happy. Now let's say something convinces her that the best way was to put him in deep, permanent hypnosis; perhaps a careless remark by her master himself? That would be highly inconvenient.
Wow, I thought I rushed through descriptions and piled on inexplicable fetishes.
Aww. And here I was hoping the one day of control thing was going to bite Blank Sheet in the ass at the end with Spiral turning the tables on him. Oh well. I like it better when the controller gets his comeuppance at the end, but there's still time for hope I guess.
Besides, getting the rest of the mane six in one day would probably be rather unpractical.
Oh well. Still good clop going on, so hooray! XD
Only thing that could make this more relevant to my interests would be some significant mare on mare action, as mind control happens to be my biggest button.
Looking forward to more!
This is going to get interesting!!!
I wonder if he will mind control Celesta or Luna if they show up to see what all the chaos is about
2560626
I'd suspect they'd probably have anti-mind control spells far stronger than Spiral's homebrew version (hence why Discord has never simply zapped them), so I'd suspect they'll be endgame bosses for Blank Sheet, if he ever manages to get that far.
Perhaps if he could get Twilight and Discord's combined power working for him...
I sure would love to see him make it all the way to the top. Perhaps if he could hit Discord with the Elements of Harmony, then he'd have free reign to consolidate his power and make a move on the Princesses. His best bet would probably be to just hop from person to person, moving his way into the castle between guards using his combined timestop and shadowmeld. Then, catch the sisters while they sleep, touching them and holding them under until they're pliable as putty.
The one day limit on control will be a major hurdle for him to jump in that case, but I'm sure he can find a way to get past it. Perhaps use magic to enhance Spiral's hypnotism. There are ways.
2560626 hello Aidan
2560795
I was legit think about that happening not 5 minutes before I read your comment
2560587
There are reasons for the limited descriptions. You may or may not find them acceptable or adequate, but they exist. The first is investment. I'm not going to write anything I find so bland or sterile I wouldn't finish reading it, but I'm also less likely to put my very best effort into translating a "choose your own adventure" forum game into a fic. I found the short updates on the forum game interesting enough to be worth fleshing out, and cloppable enough to be worth making more broadly available (and I think the upvotes and many of the comments support this), but this isn't "mine." I've had a very large hand in it, but my investment isn't total, in part because my control isn't total. I'm actively trying to reduce my role over on the forum, in fact, delaying my suggestions for hours, a day, and now I'm up to two days, to allow others to get involved. (LightMask's blog post is related to this.)
The second reason they're rushed is because... they're rushed. Since there are people enjoying this enough to say they don't want it to end, I'm trying to get chapters to LightMask for upload as quickly as I can. The typos that get through are also because of this. LightMask gives things a once over when I send them, but generally speaking, I'm both writing the prose and proofreading it--in one sitting. That's not ideal for catching errors or recognizing places that could use improvement; what I meant or what I envisioned is still fresh in mind, and can blind me to issues. I'd do better to wait a couple of days, and proof them with a fresh eye, but for this purpose, I'd rather just have it available for the people who are enjoying it. As I said in the quote LightMask offered much earlier, I'm not pretending this is the best clopfic possible. In fact, it's no exaggeration to say that in terms of proper writing practice, these chapters should all be considered first drafts. I'm content that there are people enjoying it; I'll save my very best effort for more serious writing, or at least writing that's wholly mine.
The third reason is really a matter of taste. Where erotica is concerned, I tend to like bite sized shots of it, something that stands relatively well on its own in 3,000 words or fewer. Your mileage may vary, of course, and in many of these chapters I could fit more description in if I pushed to the full 3,000, but reasons one and two.
Finally, as for "inexplicable fetishes..." guilty as charged. I'm like a sweater and lint: fetishes I don't even know where I got just kind of stick to me of their own accord. I've got my limits, but it's generally easier to list things I hate than things that turn me on, for the sake of brevity. I half suspect LightMask threw in Blank Sheet not having his way with Fluttershy to save the poor thing from me!
Anyway, judging from the chapter number on your comment, it looks like you actually read, or at least looked through, the whole thing, which I appreciate. That sort of open-mindedness makes a differing opinion more palatable, and lends credence to a negative view that someone who stopped at chapter 2 just wouldn't have.
I have ideas for a fic entirely my own, which I may start on or may abandon as a concept, but if it happens, I'll specifically bear in mind your comment and see how more description goes.
I can't begin to tell you how much I adore this fic.
So many fetishes, hit at once!
2563011 just so long as it doesn't go grimdark (Gore-y) i agree with you.
2563074
Trust me, I'm not going to have any gore in this story. That's the one thing I will not handle.
2563134
Glad to hear it--I logged in specifically to say that if it went that way, someone else would have to start doing the long form write-ups. Gore's on my won't do it list.
2563134 *Hugs you* Thanks, gore is one of the fetishes i dont have. (Its nice in a story but not for sex)
2562790
Fair enough. I've found fap-worthy things that were quite lower in word count than this, and I'm certain some people do find it adequate, but for me there simply wasn't enough there to clop to, and you skim over it way too quickly to make things feel substantial or interesting.
Porn has the lowest standards of any genre of entertainment; I wasn't condemning you for those mistakes, I was merely noting that the same problems present in the porn I write were present in your work in greater expressions, which I find interesting as both a writer and reader.
2563316
I dunno; I'd argue that reality TV has even lower standards. <_<
I'm curious about your opinion. A reader specifically praised the fourth chapter ("Clean and Obsessed") for its intensity, and said it was rare for clop to get that engrossing. Partially as a result of that feedback, the eighth chapter ("Guilty Gemini") was similarly paced. Do you feel that greater description in those sections specifically would have been beneficial? I'm of the opinion that too much detail there would've broken up the frenzied feel of it, and that in those two chapters at least, a slower pace would've reduced the impact.
In other chapters (the two most recent, which are sex-free, for example), I don't feel the same pull toward a fast pace, and it's easier for me to look at them and say, "I could've mentioned what it was like outside," or "I could've described Fluttershy's cottage more." Actually, I could've described it at all... in that case, I'll say straight up that I should've done better.
I'm not saying that you, or the reader who praised chapter 4 are mistaken (by the way, reader who praised chapter 4, your comment both made my day, and was useful in determining how to continue), and I'm not trying to persuade you. I'm interested in your opinion sincerely--in the end, I may simply not see things from your angle, but it's worth it to me to keep other angles in mind.
2563134, 2563161,
I totally agree, gore's definitely not my thing either (and thankfully, it seems that most of the brony community is of one voice on that subject).
I normally have a mild problem with incest too, but oddly enough ts portrayal in this story didn't bug me at all. Perhaps because it wasn't between established characters, so I wasn't bothered. That was actually a really awesome chapter, just yet another pleasant surprise this story has brought me!
2563439
So far I think this story is sitting perfectly in the "just right" area of description versus brevity. Generally I like my pr0n to be a little quick (just about exactly where this story is), so that I can get an idea of the scenario and use my own imagination to fill in any gaps.
Some fics just take way too long describing everything, and even in the actual sex this can be detrimental. I always find myself beginning to skim stories like that, stopping to read closer whenever anything particularly interesting happens, then moving on to skim the rest for content.
So... yeah, this is perfect, it's among my top three favorite MC clopfics on this site already, and it doesn't look like it's even close to done yet!
I've actually visited the sleepychan MLP thread before, though that must have been before you guys started the greentext story. I'm kinda tempted to go back and throw my 2 cents into the mix, though at the same time I want the story to remain a surprise for me.
Hmmm, such a dilemna!
2563745
Sounds cool! I might take you up on that, some time soon.
I totally understand the alt-account thing, this isn't my main account either.
2563819
Having a participant who's actively reading here would be beneficial, actually. Since the full length version isn't mirrored on Sleepychan, details that are entirely my spin don't make it back there, and I have to do some work to line up gaps between the two versions for at least some level of consistency.
2563635
What you described is also a valid reason for limiting description some, yeah. Just goes to show that clop isn't "one size fits all."
2563439
I'd argue that reality TV isn't entertainment
Chapter 4 was actually the chapter that convinced me this fic was a lost cause; there is too many things going on. You have three separate characters each having separate experiences, and none of them receive adequate description to feel interesting or let me connect with them. Even if they did you keep switching perspectives and it further muddies what's going on.
It's just a blur of quasi-sexy things occurring, and before I could invest mentally/sexually in any of them or get a clear mental picture of what exactly is happening the chapter ends.
I should also note that I read chapters 1-4 all together, so there's no reason I wasn't horny enough to actually finish. There was plenty of things worth fapping over, but none of them were presented in a convincing way. If after 8300 words I haven't gotten off then there is something seriously amiss with pacing and presentation.
As I said earlier some people may find it adequate to clop to, but I didn't. And that's my opinion
2540734
I disagree; I think that timestop and MC are kind of redundant.
Now invisibility + MC, there's something we need to see more of.
2563745
That seems a bit counter-intuitive when there's so much porn in your favorites, and you keep commenting on your own story.
(But Clever you're using an alt account too...)
(Shush)
2563956
Huh. I guess in the end we just simply like our clop served up differently. Thanks, though, for being willing to say why it didn't work for you; I appreciate it.
2563997
I would think anyone would want a decent mental picture of what is happening regardless of the genre or type of prose they're reading. There's plenty of things that've gotten me off in less than 2k words, but they used their descriptions in a clever way instead of being generic or vapid.
But if you want to agree to disagree that's cool too.
And if you ever wander over to the porn I write you might notice the exact problems I'm complaining about here 
2563904
Sure! I'd love to help out and throw in some possible ideas then!
2563956
Not always! I always like it when timestop is approached from the "subliminal suggestion" angle, where anything said into a character's ear while time is halted becomes a subconscious command. Or when any contact made while time is stopped will be felt all at once, thus leading to some potentially hilarious ways of causing chaos. Of course, the stopwatch that Blank Sheet is currently using only gives him 30 seconds or something, so its use as a way to screw
withpeople is limited. Discord could change that though.Invisibility is great too, of course. It's always fun when a Mind Controller uses a suggestion to make their target not notice they're there, no matter what. Cue hijinks as the controller screws
withthem while they just sit there not understanding what's going on / not knowing anything unnatural is happening at all.Stuff like that is tragically uncommon. It's part of why I'm loving this story so much, because it's including fun hijinks and exploration of power beyond the sex part. It's a playground.
COME ON UPDATE!
2632618
Don't worry, we're turning the green text into a story format now.