- Member Since 27th Feb, 2013
- offline last seen Nov 21st, 2023
castlemaid
short bio: Is a super paranoid anxious person who can't finish his story within a reasonable fashion
castlemaid
Joined 27th Feb, 2013 ·
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@castlemaid...
1. As a literary critique... You could have spent some time describing a now-older(?) & -larger Spike, rather than just saying "he's bigger". Does Spike walk on all fours, or is he still bipedal? Is he as thickly built like Big McIntosh, or more serpentine & draconic? Long snout or short snout? Is he actually older now or simply an Alternate Universe where he (roughly) is the same age & size as unicorn Twilight? You need to describe the intended romantic protagonist(s) or there is no reader-audience investment & believability.
2. A technical critique... While the grammar & typing errors are not glaring (sloppy technical writing always earns an automatic Dislike from me, regardless of story quality), you do need to do several sweeps through to clean things up. Hopefully you have an editor &/or proofreader(s) (if not, seek one).
3. A refinement critique... I would suggest taking the time to be more descriptive in the story, from the little things such as a stomach growl, to describing how each character is talking, acting, &/or feeling. Right now, your story is hampered by an overabundance of talking-lines; had the audience not known it is only Twilight & Spike, it could get lost & confusing very easily. Any worthwhile Romance story, especially if it contains sexual themes &/or sex scenes, requires a higher degree of being descriptive.
4. I will keep a neutral stance & loose-eye on your fan-fiction, under the "Read Later" category, for now. Whether it gets the thumbs-up or -down, will be up to you.
20 bits says it's Rarity's shop, the Carousel Boutique. Twilight's curiousity is gonna take her across town and to see the fashionista and to find out in her own words why Rarity has made Spike in such a peculiar state (a sarcastic-free Spike is as unnerving as a straight-maned Pinkie Pie, this is how serious the problem has)
Also why she's there, if not to pummel Rarity to a pulp, or at least lecture her to near-insanity, Twilight's gonna want to know how to properly assess her newly formulating feelings for the drake, and who better than Rarity to ask about, with all her apparent knowledge and advice for romantic endeavors....
2502798 Well look who does their homework.
Good eye there
Any reason you posted Chapter 2 first?
2505216 IO renamed it chapter two because I'm adding the Spike going to ask Rarity out part. You can see a small bit of it on my most recent blog post
2506114...
5. That is a major benefit of these fan-fictions: it is never too late to go back and revise (or even completely overhaul) your work(s), if it is for the better.
6. As I posted before, you probably want to revise/overhaul your now-Chapter-2 as well, to balance out the talking-lines with story-descriptive writing.
7. There is an old artistic saying... "Pride and Arrogance shop at the same clothing store. Humility is there to make sure you do not buy the wrong shirts."
2507076 Your critique is as amazing as always. And I believe I've heard that quote somewhere before, but I'll have to remember
A wonderful idea with an impressive opening.
I'll be watching you...
Sorry for the delay! I've been meaning to get back to you on proofreading this.
So far you have a decent foundation. I think it moves a bit fast though. Some spots could use some more details to make it flow smoother.
One thing makes me curious, something called the Oedipus Complex. Freud discribes it as a desire for a child to mate with a parent. You can learn about it here: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oedipus_complex
As for where she goes, Sugarcube Corner?
2511462 Thanks for the flattery
2512162 I plan on adding a bit more meat to my now "chapter 2" and am currently working on chapter 1. As for your guess, no, it's carousel boutique
I feel as though I'm late to a party. I can see where this is going, I can't necessarily see why Twilight would go to carousel boutique but its obvious she is... Maybe to ask one pony whoknows a little more about 'gushy mushy' feelings than she does? Maybe to confront Rarity? But that wouldn't make sense, maybe just to talk? Well let's see how long it takes to have the next chapter, oh yeah!! Read the first part, lacked a little can I proof read a bit, need a break from all this gore and blood.
2518643 Blood and gore can get to a person/pony sometimes.
And you sure as sugar can help proofread.
2518681
Good!! Though boss man doesn't like me adding too much to a story, just how much control do I have?
2518694 I give you the entirety of the story/chapter. How you edit and what you edit are up to you. Now what goes for my story, is up to me. Is that clear or did I confuse you
2518710
.... right.
No clear as crystal. Though there's only two chapters not like I can make an orgy happen
2518727 Probably not, but maturity level just went up all because you pushed it over the edge. So feel proud, because thanks to you, this story gets some sweet
action
2518755
Ugh... Too many places... Getting dizzy... Barf bag anyone... Just use the gmail... It so much simpler.
I could think of two places she might go, but I wont tell u.
bwahahahaha
great story as well.
2519779 If you don't mind, could you clarify your complaint
2519833 Well, you'll find out soon enough. Glad you're enjoying it
@castlemaid...
For Chapters 1 & 2 revision...
1. Already on hiatus after just 1.5 chapters? I am guessing this is due to Real Life, as often it is. This is completely understandable, of course... Real Life comes first, brony-indulgence second (more "7th" in my case...
)
2. I agree that the Chapter 1 addition may not have been necessary. My earlier critique on your needing a description of older-Spike did not necessarily require this in particular. You probably could have integrated said description in the original Chapter 1 along with any clean-ups/refinements. Still, the "prologue" chapter does not particularly take away from the story either, so its addition can go either way.
3. Regardless, your efforts in trying to do better with your story shows; if simply by that your Thumbs-Up have gone up as compared to your Thumbs-Down, as opposed to when you first posted this fan-fiction. As it is still too early in the story for me, I remain neutral in my judgment still.
2542432 I also have to add more "meat" to the chapters, so don't expect new chapters anytime soon after this story is no longer "Hiatus"
Hmmmmm...first of , I love and shall ALWAYS love Spilight with all my heart, your first story is by all means not bad at all, it's a bit of an overused idea but I'm glad to see Spike being older, as such, remember that is it Carousel Boutique with a capital for the first two since they are two separate words, also always try to put letters instead of words, such a 17 should be seventeen it much more....professional in my option. That being said even though it's a short chapter, I'm very eager to see more, I hope you might be willing to look over my own Spilight fics should you have the time, you're doing a great job so far with this
2570195 Thanks for the compliment, I shall take a look at your Spilight fic. As for your minor critique, the story is to be fixed when I get around to it.
Alright this was good. Sorry it was lost under all the gmail we get. But there was a part that just seemed off. The last section you lost me, you lost boss man, I'm pretty sure you lost half the fandom in that part since it seemed mixed from the previous chapters, yeah we notice, all in all a good relaunch. Hoping the next chapter comes out soon!!
2659216 I don't get what you got lost with. Explain, then I can help. Thanks Mr./Mrs. boss man
2664502
Well you're late. What we meant was that the last section seemed a mix of two chapters. It literally didn't flow. There was a leap in sequence and broken dialouge.
2664523 I am truly sorry for that, I'll try my best to make future chapters flow. I also have another story coming as soon as I hit 20 followers. It'll be somewhat slow-going, but I thought it was a cute idea.
2664523 Just read it over, and that is a major fail on my part, I'll have it fixed pronto.
EDIT: fixed
2668208
Wait... That means you didn't know what I was talking about the first time!!
2668234 I was thinking a whole other thing, but since that was the actual problem, I feel a lot better now.
I thought it didn't flow scene to scene.
1. SPike leaving library
2. the rejection
3. spike cries with twilight
4. breakfast
5. the journal
finish it! i want to see an ending to this story!
2723496 I will try my best, I'm going to get on it immediately.
But you shouldn't rush things, if you want a good ending
Oh wow! Wonder why wasn't in the SpiLight folders?
2730508 It is in there to my knowledge
2731538
Good luck then for the next chapter!!!!! 
2732234 Thanks, working on it now
AWwwwwww.........
REVELATION!!!!
2734488 I wanted to use that but I wasn't sure the connotation would pay off as much
2734497 You worry to much........
Here in FIMFICTION we let our imagination took control and-
I mean yeah it's nice........
2734507 Thanks for the support it truly means the world to me. *Hug*
2734520 I believe in your potential as I believe on every writer here just be yourself and you'll be great!
2734526 I take it you're a major Spilight fan hmmm?
Yup I'm a big fan alright......
Well there's a BIG reason behind it........though.....
2734531 What would that be my friend. Feel free to PM me
My very very BEST friend is like a Twilight humanized....
She likes books, reading, literature and a fan of magic! She watches MLP with me and my best bud in the earth! and I am her assistant and good buddy to say the least
WHY?!
2734547 Yes your best friend and nothing more hmmm? Why my mind is highly adept but it doesn't take a genius to figure out what's going on here
2734559 ..................
She said it herself..........
2734563 Well I guess I'll take your word for it. *sympathy huggles*
Thanks..........
Well she said she'll help me find a girl to date, that's how good she is...... But if you notice I'm a one girl only type of guy..........
Sorry I may have said too much.......