His name is Free, and he was a slave. But when he found his opening and escaped his owners, he finds that the wasteland holds its own horrors. Will he remain uncorrupted? Or will the wasteland wittle away all that he holds dear until he breaks?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Loving it so far mate! Keep it up!
Damn is that cover art awesome! Who made that covert art mate!?
Anyway, story is looking good so far! Pleased to see this continuing proudly!
I like it, way better then mine, both the story, and cover art.
I won't lie. I clicked this story because it had a very well done short description, and a word count of only slightly over 500. Those two normally don't mix. Good to see it was a mix up on the sites part.
Not gonna lie, as soon as I saw the short description and Free, I immediately thought of This Guy, and that's the only reason I clicked the story.
Well, I'll just eat a bag of dicks if this isn't well done! This was fantastic, and I'm glad I found it!
It seems to be a series of cliches tied together, but it's well written, so I'll say this is definitely better than the average FoE fic, so I'm interested to see where this goes.
6869017
It will come into its own. Everything needs to start somewhere.
6868503
That's all very true, but there's what Stable Tec knew, and then there's what the average pony knows. I doubt that the experimentation side is widely known.
And I haven't watch Soul Eater yet, though its in my Netflix queue.
6868347
No worries, I'm glad you enjoyed what you read so far.
6867981
Don't sell yourself short. All great artists (writers and painters) have to start somewhere. Keep it up and don't let anyone keep you from expressing yourself.
6866757
Cover art is by the ever talented Sw1tchbl4de who has done the cover art for many FO:E related stories. He's very talented.
I'm glad you like the story, stayed tuned for Chapter 1.
6866043
Awesome! I'm glad you liked it.
wow this is really well written and very interesting, can't wait to see where it goes, Free seemed to mature very quickly given his age and situation, especially when it came to his injuries and the infestation. makes it seem like he's tougher then he seems, given that he's just a child after all. although as a child i'd expect him to show more pain when it came to his injuries and the fact that he had to keep them for a long ride back with nothing to sooth the pain. also with the title it doesn't seem like Carefree is losing his innocence, more like his freedom and lifestyle but considering he's never seemed to have killed then i'd still say he's innocent.
also love the amazing cover art, one day i'll invest in cover art but at this point i'm not interested in spending money on my story.
Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)
6878041
He's maturing quickly because there's no room for children there. With the added pressure of Bucket and Jerry looking to him it was a step up or step down moment.
You can also blame it on Thrash and his mom. He had to be courageous to face the slaver and try and rescue his mom.
6878214
Awesome! Thank you very much. :D
6878343
True, ether way great so far, can't wait to see where it goes XD
6871271 Oh, it really sounded like Third Person Omniscient. Sorry.
And you should watch it. One of my personal favorites.
6880632 It's the truth!
6884431
Nah, the Introduction is just that little bit that's read by Ron Perlman at the beginning of each game. It tells you about the world, and that's about it. It can't just dump all the horrors on you at once, it has to reveal them slowly through the course of the story so that it truly bothers you.
6884567 Eh. Sounds legit. But, to be clear, we will get to the horrors of the Vaults soon enough?
6884733
Has to get out of The Dig first. But I promise some horrors will be thrown his way. It is just starting though, so I can't promise it'll be right away.
6884797 That's fine. I just wanted to see some Vaults, like the Clone Vault, the Puppet Vault, and the VR Vault.
6884845
Nah, none of those. I'll have to think up something properly twisted.
6885110 Oh, some originality? Sounds intriguing. To be honest, I design Vaults in my spare time. Some deadly, others torturous. Some, the tiniest bit beneficial. If you ever need ideas, let me know.
6885128
Will do :D
6885225 Like Vault 704, for instance. What would happen people couldn't feel pain? That might not seem bad... But what if these people were drug addicts, and were crazy? 'The Laughing Dead'. Wounds that should kill them from shock alone don't even phase them. Cut off a limb? They laugh even harder.
6885247
That's a neat idea.
6885254 I have more, if you need them.
6885374
Sorry for the slow response.
I'll hit you up for some ideas when it comes time. For now, Free still needs to get out of The Dig before he can find anything.
6894787 It's fine, broham.
Damn that first paragraph hit the right spot and did more impact than others have done trough whole chapters of words. To see an original idea like that displayed so simple, it capturing the wasteland hope... damn that is the good stuff. Too bad that we don't get more of that before the second segment, I would have loved to get more of that bright wasteland shown to me, maybe having an extra scene where they can see whatever place they are traveling to in the distance, them throwing a great party, joy all around as the last food is eaten since they no longer have to ration and such, and that is where the stuff happens. Not wanting to go too much into details, but for something like that to have a bigger emotional impact, and it is clear that you want that with how much you text try to tug at the heartstrings, do we have to know the characters more. We can only get so emotional over stuff happening to chars that we have only known for less than 1000 words.
Now that I read a bit more of it, with how "episodic" it kinda it, and points for you to be able to cut your chapters up into natural pieces, would I say that going full in media res, us not knowing the backstory and getting it trough flashbacks, even if it is cliche, could have a bigger impact. Way way too late for me to say that, I know, but something to write behind the ear for another story perhaps.
A lot of people would properly eww at this, but maggots only eat the dead flesh, so its actually a good thing that there are maggots in the wound.
So mister Fortune... yea sorry but using words like "belong to me" does not really make you seem like a guy with the greater good in mind like the rest of your words seems to indicate, so either did you do a really bad job at being charismatic or it was a mistake to say that. I kinda like the whole "Doing it for the greater good," but characters faking it are boring in my eyes.
Welp this story started out stronger than I had expected, too bad that the intro text gave so much away and that the big tonal shift happened so early on, this is really good, but could have been perfect if it had been sat up differently. But then again is it a common thing that I see in a lot of stories, people hurrying to the plot as they fear loosing their readers if they take too much time to get there.
Nitpicks:
This is where my pre-reader brain takes control over my fingers and I comment on small stuff
"There was a sudden crash from the other room and followed by loud voices and the clopping of hooves." Use a comma here instead for a better flow.
"I squealed as I fought for purchase against the grimy wood floor." I am Danish, so not a native speaker, but I think that this is a wrong word.
" As I was passed a rusting storage rack," This is one of those weird moments that present tense actually should be used. When you use "I was..." do you talk about something happening. "I was eating a cupcake when the sun exploded"
"Strange glowing lichen creeped its way across fallen bricks and up the supports for the ragged fencing the slavers had set up." Crept,
"He said as it raised one of its arms to the wound." It
" a second arm raised the glass bottle and tipped its purple contents onto my muzzle." You haven't presented the glass bottle before now, so you can't use "the" here.
"
8877219
Hey there Doomande.
Wow! There's a lot to that comment, so I think I'll just start with the "nitpicking" at the end of your comment. I appreciate the finds, as many of them were little things that both I and my editor had missed. I addressed all of them except for the purchase one, because it can also mean 'to get a leverage on'. Thank you for pointing them out.
Now let's see what I can do to address the rest. The main thing to remember is that there is a lot that has not yet been told, just like when you read the beginning of any story. There's a lot of backstory that I have not yet revealed, including much of the past. I do have a plan (45 pages of it in fact) that will be revealed in time.
I get where you're coming from being able to build more right at the beginning. But at the same time, I wanted to keep it at a readable length. I used to have this mentality that I needed my chapters to be longer (20k or more) to be complete. It took some doing, but I realized that if I focused on length then the content would suffer. Its a careful balancing act that I'm still working on to ensure I tell enough, without being too revealing of the greater plot and without dragging it on needlessly (For example, this is why Chapter 3 is short. I told all I needed to and ended it at a good place).
As for Fortune, he hasn't done too much yet. He comes up again in my second side chapter. I will reveal more about his involvement in things when the time comes (I have a fully fleshed out back story waiting for reveal). Suffice to say that he needs to remain just a bit mysterious right now, but its safe to say that he is not the charismatic character that Red Eye is.
All in all, I'm glad you're reading it. I'm ecstatic that you favorited it (I'm pretty sure that means you like it ) and I thank you very much for your input. As I've said in previous blogs (that have long since been buried) I appreciate all comments, questions and criticisms
Thank you, and I hope you enjoy the road to the end of the story.
Ah man everything to do with Free's leg and that shackle made me clench my teeth. Freakin beautifully detailed.
I really like the pacing, just the right balance of dialogue and description, really looking forward to seeing more action scenes. Great job!
9041322
Hey Chrono! Thanks for the comment!
It takes me some time to try and keep that balance of description and dialogue. So thank you very much for noticing