Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCIX · 8:21pm Sep 8th, 2022
Here I sit, staring at my computer screen first thing in the morning before I do, y’know, work, and I wonder what to talk about. Sometimes I have something I’ve been meaning to bring up for a few days. Sometimes I just throw out whatever comes to mind. The worst days are those where I know I had something I wanted to talk about, something that felt important or interesting, but now that the time has come to write about it I’ve forgotten what it was.
Today is one of those days. Pretty sure I had two or three topics on my mind this week, but now? Gone. Kaput. Zilch. So instead I’m sitting here, staring at my computer screen first thing in the morning before I do, y’know, work, thinking about how I don’t have anything to talk about.
Oh, hey! Something to talk about.
Who wants some reviews?
Stories for This Week:
The Hug Bug by TheLegendaryBillCipher
Idol by Coronet the lesser
This date is going to be perfect! by Crystal Moose
My Chemical Reaction by MysteriousStranger
Freeport Venture: Come And See by Chengar Qordath
Total Word Count: 297,568
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 0
Worth It: 4
Needs Work: 1
None: 0
The Hug Bug
3,390 Words
By TheLegendaryBillCipher
Queen Chrysalis is willing to try being reformed if it means saving her hive from starvation. As such, Thorax brings her to Twilight so that she can find a solution. Instead, she decides to get Pinkie Pie involved.
Inspired by the cover art, this is a somewhat silly story in which Pinkie Pie Logic saves Chrysalis’s hive and reforms the Big Bug herself. There’s not much to it. If you’ve seen the cover art, you know where it’s going.
The writing is mediocre at best, but it’s short, sweet, and possesses what I believe derpibooru would refer to as “cutealis” (seriously, look it up). If that sounds like something up your alley, then there’s no reason not to indulge.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Idol
3,646 Words
By Coronet the lesser
Flurry Heart is close to graduating from the School of Friendship. She knows what her future is, what it must be. Princess Twilight might have something to say about that.
Here we meet a teenage Flurry Heart who has the same obsessive adoration of her mentor, Twilight, as Twilight did for Celestia at her age. Twilight has decided it’s finally time to put that idolatry to rest. You would expect this to involve a lot of hard reveals, and maybe an emotional Flurry to stay in denial for a bit. On the contrary, it’s all rather humdrum. Twilight tells Flurry “I’m not perfect”, Flurry says “Oh, okay,” and we move on.
I’m oversimplifying it a good bit, I admit, but when you get down to brass tacks, that’s what this story is. Coronet the lesser tries to use cute, familiar character behavior to keep things interesting rather than drama. Which is fine. Really, it is. Not what I expected, but not wrong at all.
But the conversation still felt incomplete. Flurry’s all “Mom wants me to be a pretty pony princess and I don’t wanna!” and Twilight is all “But it’s what your mother wants” and then… and then the subject just sort of drops? And has anybody anywhere in the history of ever heard “you have to be afraid to be brave” and actually taken the idea to heart? No, Flurry calling herself a ‘fool’ over this phrase does not mean she’s learned anything or is ready to stop worshiping the ground Twilight walks on.
Plus no solutions have been brought forward, although the characters behave otherwise. Cadance doesn’t want Twilight teaching Flurry magic but she decides to do it anyway and invites Flurry on some expedition. Uh, excuse me, but aren’t we trying to prevent Flurry from continuing to worship her aunt? Then again, I suppose going on a ‘real’ adventure may disenchant her of them, but still, it felt like Twilight was saying and doing opposite things.
I guess the point I’m getting at is that I never felt like this story did what it was trying to do. Didn’t even come close. How interesting that the author cites “You’ll Play Your Part” from Twilight’s Kingdom – you know, that song in which Celestia essentially confesses to Twilight “Yeah, I made you an alicorn, and I have no idea why I did it or what to do with you now”. It’s about as inspiring and useful here as it was then, which is to say it only makes things worse, although Coronet the lesser depicts the exact opposite.
Maybe it’s just my cynicism coloring the story in a bad light. I don’t know. Given the voting ratio on this thing, I gather that a lot of people will like it where I didn’t. Maybe Flurry’s somewhat Twilight-ness and Twilight’s reactions to such are enough to make people like it, and to heck with the intricacies and realism of the conversation. It didn’t work for me, but it will probably work for you if all you want is to see a conversation of this nature between these two.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Letters — Pretty Good
This date is going to be perfect!
1,245 Words
By Crystal Moose
Chrysalis has kidnapped Celestia. Again. And this time she’s demanding Twilight come alone. It’s the only way to ensure that those meddling friends of hers won’t get in the way of what would otherwise be the perfect date.
This is an extremely short and simple story that does exactly what it sounds like: Chrysalis wants to date Twilight and all her villainous actions are geared towards exactly that goal. Crystal Moose handles this in a very direct fashion, complete with Celestia pulling the whole “I am a GOD you lowly creature” thing when she learns the truth.
Crystal Moose treats this as though we were watching an episode of one of the show’s earlier seasons, and therefore takes nothing in it seriously. Which is fine. As long as you’re willing to watch Chrysalis acting like a lovestruck schoolgirl and Twilight being a clumsy, panicky teenage unicorn, you’ll probably get a laugh out of it. But to me, it just doesn’t do anything worth remembering with its premise. I get the impression the author wrote it out for the sole purpose of getting it out of their system rather than intending to make a splash with it.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
A Good Girl Never... — Pretty Good
Any Cost — Pretty Good
My Chemical Reaction
246,544 Words
By MysteriousStranger
Sci-Twi has been waiting ages to get her hands on a certain book, and today is the release date. When her go-to bookstore fails to have it in stock, however, she starts trying out all the bookstores in town. Then she gets to one in a part of town she’s never been to, where she finds herself competing over the very last copy in stock. The timid, defenseless Twilight might have had a chance were her opponent not Aria Blaze.
Yeah, this is exactly what you’re thinking. I’ve grown fond of siren ships in the past couple years, yet while Aria is my favorite siren I’ve not explored too many ships involving her. Thus was I very curious about how this might go. I was also hoping the author would show some improvement after the critically flawed She Knows How To Treat A Lady.
The good news is that MysteriousStranger has some good ideas and has evolved in terms of plot development. Twilight and Aria both grow quite a bit throughout this story and, more importantly, have actual reasons to do so. This alone is a huge improvement over the last story I read by this author in which characters made decisions for no reason at all, often in an OOC manner. No, here Sci-Twi and Aria maintain their characters while developing in realistic ways, and I have nothing but approval for this. The overarching plot is better as well. The pacing is decent, if a little slow at times, and the relationship between Sci-Twi and Aria grows organically.
Yet there were still a number of issues. The biggest one is in the writing itself. MysteriousStranger is far too direct. I don’t know how many times the narration bluntly stated “I was scared”, “I was happy”, “I was furious!”. Thank you, author, for Telling us how the characters feel in the most boring and non-immersive way possible. Couple that with highly repetitive phrases that border on LUS; I can’t tell you how many times I saw “my friend X” in just a few short paragraphs, but then there’s “the fiery girl” for Sunset (who 99% of the time wasn’t doing anything that could be referred to as ‘fiery’), or “the athlete”, or “the farmer”, and so on and so forth.
None of that holds a candle to the prepositions, which I’ve been told may be a sign of an ESL (that’s English Second Language for you folks in Rio Linda) writer. I don’t know how many times someone was “of behind” or “of below” or something similar. This stuff is all over the place, and it pulled me out of the little immersion I had every time.
And while MysteriousStranger’s plot elements have certainly improved, they are by no means perfect. What do you mean you came back from Camp Everfree (or “Everfree Camp”, as the mysterious author mysteriously dubs it) only a week ago and already it’s become a hugely popular vacation spot? That sort of thing doesn’t happen in just a week!
Why is Aria stuck in the hospital for several days because of an allergic reaction that the doctors fixed in a few hours? That’s the kind of thing you discharge a patient over right away. To top that off, why are you painting it as though Aria’s been stuck at the hospital for a week only to turn around a few chapters later and claim it was only three days?
You’ve been telling us throughout the entire first half of this story that Aria is a homebody who isn’t athletic in any way. But now she’s been going on walks – not jogging, not running, walks – for about a week and suddenly she’s got an athletic figure? Man, had I known that human anatomy worked that way I’d be in the Olympics by now.
And then there’s the characters. For Aria it’s kind of hard to put down, but she never really… felt… like Aria? Yes, she’s grumpy and rude and kinda mean at the start, but somehow I could never put the Aria in this story with the Aria we see in canon. I’m willing to put that down as a subjective complaint, especially since I’m having so much trouble pinpointing exactly why it felt so off to me. It could also simply be my headcanon of her character getting in the way, which is absolutely subjective, so take this entire paragraph with a grain of salt. On the other hand, I saw nothing wrong with Sonata at all and I loved the depiction of Mommadagio corralling her squabbling siblings, fussing over their appearances and behaviors, and sharing Rarity’s fashion-related proclivities.
The real issue with characters is Sci-Twi, who never really behaved like Sci-Twi. This rendition of her is sickeningly cute and innocent to the point of being annoying, and she doesn’t reflect off the canon character at all. She’s such a timid creature that the one time she does something remotely sexual with Aria she acts like she just committed a crime against humanity. It’s nonsensically over the top and, worse, is her primary character trait.
How Aria and Sci-Twi behave around one another is also ridiculous. Every other conversation involves one of them thinking the other plans to break up with them, usually without cause. For example, in one scene we watch as Aria and Sci-Twi are being all cutesy and lovey-dovey and everything’s going great for an entire day, but then Aria decides to get serious and “has something to tell Twilight” and boom, Sci-Twi’s instantly concluding that Aria’s planning to break up with her. This happens again, and again, and again, and again, sometimes from Twilight, sometimes from Aria, and almost always with the most miniscule or dumbest catalysts. I mean, for Luna’s sake, did you already forget how much fun you were having together thirty seconds ago?
Killing off Timber Spruce in the background and rushing through the Legend of Everfree storyline for a quickie climax certainly didn’t do the story any favors.
Then there’s the Author’s Notes, every single one of which has something unnecessary or even plot-ruining. First of all, author, nobody thought you were going to kill off one of the main characters when there’s still 80k words to go, so you don’t need to tell us that, and you certainly don’t need to gloat about trying to trick us with the fake death by telling us it was fake before the story could do it. If you were going to tell us that the death was a fake-out in the Author’s Notes then why have the damn scene in the first place?
In summation, while this author has shown a good deal of improvement in certain ways since the last story of theirs I read, they are by no means “there” yet. Their depiction of Sci-Twi is way off from canon, although the others are mostly good or at least ‘close enough’. Aria’s and Sci-Twi’s relationship is generally well depicted, but the frequent use of “please don’t break up with me!” scenes for the sake of drama were blatant and needless attempts to grab reader attention. The writing style is downright boring and grammatically incorrect half the time. All in all, MysteriousStranger’s still got a ways to go.
But they have improved. That alone is worthy of praise. Keep at it, author. You’ll get there eventually.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
She Knows How To Treat A Lady — Needs Work
Freeport Venture: Come And See
42,744 Words
By Chengar Qordath
Sequel to Freeport Venture: Blood and Iron
Decades after Sunset Shimmer became Freeport’s only Archmage, now she stands as the island nation’s leader, the Archon. With this power she has convinced the people to join Equestria in its three-year-long war against the Crystal Empire. But they’ll soon find out that King Sombra is the least of their worries.
There were a great many possibilities I imagined resulting from the Freeport series. This was nowhere on the list.
It was always safe to assume that this was one of the alternate timelines brought up in The Cutie Re-Mark. Here Chengar Qordath finally clarifies that we are in the Crystal War timeline. What really threw me for a loop, however, was how this story skips pretty much everything we might want to know about Sunset’s time in Freeport. You know, that whole “how she grew to become the Archon” thing. Plus her relationship with Kukri Doo, and Celestia, and Puzzle, and Heartstrings and on and on and on. All that potentially interesting stuff, passed over like it doesn’t matter. I was admittedly annoyed.
Then the shit hits the fan about halfway through the story and I realize exactly why the author skipped all that stuff. Simply put, this isn’t a story about a war against Sombra so much as it is a story about the end of the world. Literally. By the time this story is over there will technically be nothing alive in this AU. All the characters you’ve come to know and love from the rest of the Freeport series? Yeah. They’re gone.
That doesn’t mean the story ends. After all, necromancy is still a thing.
I’m still highly annoyed that all the characters who made this series so fun to watch are gone, but at the same time I am intrigued as to where this is going to end up. There’s one more story and I have every intention of exploring it. That said, I can see a lot of readers crying foul over everything they’ve watched gradually build up from the previous stories suddenly not matter anymore. Makes all that character and cultural growth feel pointless, y’know? Which is why I’m putting this on the middle ground instead of giving it a higher rating.
Still, I recognize the huge risk Chengar Qordath is taking here. It takes a lot of guts to throw everything you’ve been developing away in favor of a new reality that may earn more scorn than praise. The end result is a story that is one part tragedy, two parts adventure, and ultimately just a bridge to the inevitable next step. Which I am admittedly looking forward to.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
A Moment in the Sun — WHYRTY?
Freeport Venture: Blood and Iron — WHYRTY?
The Freeport Venture — Pretty Good
Freeport Venture: Auction Night — Pretty Good
Freeport Venture: Shimmer-Mare's Birthday!!! — Pretty Good
Stories for Next Week:
737 by themoontonite
Wings of Friendship by DemonBrightSpirit
Rainfall's Shroud by Flammenwerfer
One Head of Cattle by Trick Question
Unity by TheEveryDaySparkle
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Fun times reading your reviews as always, but I think I've spotted an misconception with your Freeport Venture characterization.
The normal Freeport Venture is an AU of the show, obviously, but Come and See an kind of an AU to the AU. The Sunset and others that appear here are the alternates that appeared in the previous Blood and Iron entry. Come and See basically is explaining why they came looking for Starlight.
Don't know if I read too much into your review or if this changes anything, but I thought I should mention it to help clarify any misunderstandings. Chengar really wasn't throwing everything away, just showing the other side of reality for some surprise fan favorites.
Thanks again for the reviews. I'm still picking up new Read for Later ideas from them.
Thanks. Glad you liked it.
Well, first of all, thanks for the review!
When I saw someone bookmarking my fic as "Needs work", I wished I was told what exactly needed working. Well, here it is
I won't lie, this review felt a bit harsh, but... you're right. You mentioned things I have been trying to change or fix for a long, long time and I don't know how. Like, getting rid of those repetitive "farmer friend" or similar words. I just can't figure out how to finally get rid of that bad habit
And, yes, whenever I write a new fic, I fall in love with it and re-read it multiple times. But once I write a new one, I start to see the flaws of the previous one. I want to improve. I have friends who help me, but still, I have a long way to go
You also made me realize something. I have been more focused on the plot than in the writting. The plot of the fics I write have improved since the first one I wrote, but the writting hasn't changed as much as I hoped. I need to find a way to fix that
Oh, and trust me, no one cringes more with the repetitive "breaking up?" parts than me. I... just don't know what I was thinking
One more thing. I had no idea the Author's Notes I write could become so annoying. I just felt like I had to write something in every chapter so it didn't feel empty. I have even delayed a chapter more than once just because I couldn't think of an Author's Note for it. Is it... is it really that bad?
In any case, I appreciate you took the time with this review. This is just what I always wanted. Someone to tell me exactly what I need to change. If I write another fic, I have to do a lot better
I'm gonna be pedantic and point out that the technically accurate term is EAL (English Additional Language) as many non-native English speakers speak it as their third, fourth, fifth language, etc. My mother teaches EAL, so I've had the 'correct' term drilled into my head quite a bit. Plus, anytime I see a 3-letter acronym ending in SL my brain immediate tries to categorize it as some kind of sign language:
"ESL?
...English Sign Language? But the UK already uses BSL... Ecuadorian Sign Language? Estonian Sign Language? Wait... 
"
Not the most stellar week (was hoping for some solid tweenage Flurry, I always crave more of that), but hey, can't win 'em all. Thanks for the reviews. See you next week.
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I'm so glad it got a review! And it got some good praise but sure it needs a little work. But not bad overall!
5685190 Indeed! There's things to be done
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It depends on where you are. I used to work for a school system in Texas and we called it ESOL or ESL to cut out the O.
Lone Star College: Department of ESOL/ESL
English for Speakers of Other Languages.
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Huh. Now that I look back at previous stories, that does make some sense. But considering that Chengar never continued the "canon" Freeport series it amounts to the same thing, doesn't it? Unless the next story is a continuation of the main AU, but I find that extremely unlikely given it involves Twilight and Starlight facing the aftermath of time jumping and we know AU Starlight lives in Freeport.
I'll grant it probably wasn't Chengar's intention, but if you don't want people to conclude that you're erasing everything in the original AU for good then you should probably write an actual continuation for that AU.
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Every writer will eventually take notice of something that they feel they've been doing wrong. The only way I know of to fix it is to actively start hunting for that particular issue and start removing it. That requires you to keep the topic in mind during editing, of course.
I can understand the desire to apologize for being late or something of that nature, but remember that author's notes are around forever (or until you remove them). For someone like me, who is reading the story after it's complete, there's no point in seeing a "sorry it's late!" message for the 30th time. I feel that gushing over a chapter's events or a character should be confined to an author's private blog. but I'll acknowledge that's an entirely subjective point and not something you have to take to heart.
But that note where you outright told the audience that you didn't kill Aria? That stuck with me, because that was bad, and it's the primary reason I pointed out the Author's Notes in the first place. You don't end a chapter on a cliffhanger and then tell the audience it was a fake-out, that's what the story is supposed to do. Even worse is how you acted like the audience didn't already know that, no, you weren't going to kill one of the two primary characters because that's obviously not the kind of story you're writing. It sounded like you thought the audience was too stupid to figure that out on their own, and you never want to do that except perhaps in a tongue-in-cheek manner. So in one fell swoop you made the audience look like idiots and spoiled what's coming (the fact that you spoiled something painfully obvious is at once beside the latter point and entirely the former point).
Also, I highly recommend not querying the audience for what they want to happen in the story. It's yours, you do what you think is best. I've seen some people let the audience take control a as gimmick of the story itself, and that's fine, but generally speaking I feel like the author and the author alone should call the shots.
As for Author's Notes in general, you don't have to worry about those. They're entirely optional. If you can't think of anything to say, then don't say anything. Nobody minds a blank note. Also, and I'll once again admit this is a matter of personal taste, I find that the best Author's Notes are the ones that further expand upon what the reader's have seen in the story, particularly if it's information they won't get in the story itself. For example, why did you kill off Timber Spruce? Why did you choose to have the big climax at Camp Everfree? Why did you make Sci-Twi into a cutesy, naive innocent instead of, you know, Twilight Sparkle? What went into the decision to make Adagio Dazzle a fashionista? This is all potentially interesting information that could expand upon the readers' understanding of the story that they may not get in the story (and didn't in all those examples), so they're prime Author's Notes material.
At any rate, yes, I'm being harsh, but I sort of feel like it's my job to be. I'm just glad you're taking this so well and actively planning to improve. Good luck with it!
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I'm from Louisiana and tutored English while in college there, and yeah, it was definitely ESL there too. I guess it's a southern thing?
5685255
I know that's what you might think based off the sequels, but the next story in line is actually Blood Debts after Blood and Iron.
Here is the Freeport timeline. There are quite more stories in the Main AU to look at - I'm not quite sure why Blood Debts wasn't linked as a sequel, but this is the timeline by the co-author of the series.
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If anything, that negligence is even more damning, because it means the author is allowing readers to make the same mistake I did when an obvious and easy solution is right there, just two minutes' effort away.
Still, good to know there is a continuation at all.
Thanks. I'll try harder to fix those from now on.
Oh, right! There's a lot of apologies for the delay... Maybe I should start to remove those particular notes...
I might have an explanation for what. I sometimes use the Author's Notes as if they were comments a narrator makes at the end of an episode of a show. Like the Dragon Ball series. There, the narrator tend to make obvious remarks like that. It wasn't my intention to act as if no one knew I wasn't going to kill Aria for real.
I usually talk to my advisors about what to do next. I may bring up something readers pointed out if I think it's a good point, but I usually try to stick to the original plan.
Ah, yes, those make more sense. Hmm, again, you gave me a lot to think about. I really want to improve, and this is of big help. Thanks!
Thanks!
Well, it's true I'm not used to get reviews like this one, but I always knew they could be harsh if there's something negative. I watch Nostalgia Critic. I know how it can be, but at the same time, someone took their time to write an article about a fic of mine. You didn't point out the negative things just because you're a hater. You pointed them out so I could improve, and that's what I'm going to do. If you don't mind, I'll copy this review and your reply somewhere I can easily check the next time I'm writting something.
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I can come up with a bajillion arguments for why this, specifically, is a big part of the problem. None of them really feel appropriate. All I can say is that for me, personally, I see this and I immediately am reminded of when I was watching Dragon Ball Z after school at the tender age of 10, along with all the other "cartoons" aimed at children. As a direct result, when I see this I immediately conclude that the show's creators must be aiming their material at children, which means they assume I am a child. And you know, that's fine when the show is indeed aimed at children.
My Chemical Reaction is not aimed at children. I am not a child, and I do not expect or appreciate being treated like one.
By all means! That's at least partially what these reviews are for.
I understand where you're coming from. I know I said I'll try not to be repetitive, but again, you gave me a lot to think about.
Thank you!
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It's ESL in the California and Oregon school systems as well. My wife has taught those classes.
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I'll admit it can be a bit confusing since Chengar and Ponibius contributed to each others stories. I was lucky enough to be following them both when they were active and got a bit bummed when I realized that neither one had posted anything for a while.
If you want to start another grand multi story epic, and get author confusion again, then Chengar did The Lunar Rebellion and Poni followed up with several stories under the Midnights Shadow header that follows Midnight Sparkle, Twilight's ancestor, growing up after that. I thought it was fun and was always looking forward to the next one.
Fun times from the Fandom's glory days.
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Keeping the exact timeline easily accessible was a bit tricky within the tools FimFiction offers (unless I missed something obvious years ago). The best we came up with was this list.
After Blood Debts, big things happen with Northern Venture. Occasionally regret things died down around Breaker of Chains, but life happens.
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Nice to know. Now I have to decide whether I want to continue a series that has no conclusion or investigate other stories you've written.
...
Eh, I'll probably keep going.
You are 100% correct on the reason for my writing This Date (and it's sequels)... I thought the idea was funny at the time, and just brainfarted it onto a page.
Also, I think I wrote this between
seasons 2 and season 3nope, season 3 and 4... I didn't predict Alicorn twi. So pretty bang on with the timing.