Story Reviews » SA Reviews #100 · 8:12pm Mar 20th, 2017
Seattle's Angels is a group that promotes good stories with low views. You can find us here.
Wanderer D shuffled the key, but the lock would not relent. He could hear something going on inside but, no one was answering the door and his old key simply didn't work. He sighed. They had changed the lock again. And they didn't tell him. Again.
----
All the currently active Angels piled into the enormous theater that was capable of holding a thousand people. They took up less than a dozen seats. Some, like Red and Ferret, didn’t sit in the seats at all, preferring to stand on the heads of others to get a better view.
Soon, the theater lights went dark and a large projection screen lowered at the front of the stage. Plum walked out, stage right, and stood in front of the screen, his form perfectly silhouetted against the white backdrop. He raised his hands and addressed the gathered reviews. “My friends, we are here to celebrate our one-hundredth review post!”
The Angels all clapped enthusiastically, some giving a shrill whistle.
“Tonight, in honor of our great achievement, we will witness all that has come before and a peak for what is about to come.” He snapped his fingers and the projector came to life, displaying a title that made everyone gasp.
Seattle’s Angels Greatest Moments
“That’s right! A crappy clipshow.”
Silence washed over the theater. For an untold amount of time, no one made a sound or dared to move. Then, by unspoken agreement:
“You can’t be serious!”
“We deserve better!”
“After all the blood, sweat, and tears?!”
“I sacrificed my marriage for this job!” Red said.
“Though only the fifth one,” Ferret pointed out, holding up a list of how many times they had been married.
“I’m just here for the popcorn.”
All eyes turned to Intern, a large tub of buttered popcorn in his lap. He cringed and smiled sheepishly. “What? It’s free.”
“So this is what happens when I leave you guys for just a little while to run things.”
The Angels gave a startled gasp. They all turned towards the voice, coming from a balcony seat high above them. There, standing with his arms crossed and his face stern, stood Seattle himself.
“I admit, you all lasted longer than I thought you would. Suppose I should congrat you on that. But now is not the time for half-assed measures.” He snapped his fingers and the projector changed the screen to a new title.
ROUND 100
STORY 1
Eternal, by Device Heretic
This light-hearted romance brings Celestia and Twilight together as they vy for the the affections of a handsome young Canterlot Patissiere, in a tale that spans continents and feels like it goes on forever.
Well. One of the quintessential Twilestia fics. Somebody rouse Vimbert from the grave.
Ah, the heady days when 10k words was an average chapter length.
…
Oh. Hold on now. This is Device Heretic? From 2012? Damn, I think I remember being one o the Prereaders for EQD to see this through. Maybe. Or maybe I just heard of it and gave the TS/PC shippers on the crew a rough time for fangirling all over it. Both are entirely possible. Okay, let’s see what I can pull up from this one…
So here’s how this twit of an author (and I say that with deepest respect for an old guard writer who goes way back, so calm down) really delivers here: he presents a side of sun horse that few have delved into since, and certainly not better - that of melancholy and wistfulness at the youthful innocence and verve her young (relatively) student used to have. Now, Twi is all business and formality (again, on the surface) which opens a hint to the true heart of our divine princess. But again, Heretic doesn’t let on, not at first nor for a while. His tale unfolds in thin layers, drawing the reader in, much like the sarlacc pit of yore.
This has got to me one of the first quality fics where you get to see Celestia being a teasing little… ahem. You get the idea. But it’s fun, and not a little hot at times. And not in a crass way of so many of these ship-fics, but subtly, carefully, and with a delicacy to character immersion that is just too damn rare. Step up writers, read your elders!
Okay, example:
>The little unicorn shrank
Okay, you see that? That, dear readers, is a fine example of setting the feeling. Why? Because it’s already in context that Twi is the (what the f**** do you mean I can’t curse on these? H** **c**** *hi* *s*) … the bloody Arch-mage of the world, third only to the princesses. And Celestia is of such a stature, in both majesty and intimacy, to make the little lass shrink into her hooves. How adorable is that?
And Luna. That devious, clever, manipulatress of the whole event, so quietly orchestrating things. This is a quality Luna, and she’s spunky as hell.
Okay, so if any of you ever got a review from me back on fimfic’s /fic/ board or through eqd, you know this could go on for pages. Let me summarize. If you haven’t read this story, and can stomach some legit romance between (gag) Twi and sun horse, then this should have been among your favorite fics for years. Go forth, and read it. In fact, it really is worth a re-read, and very few stories are.
Cheers Heretic, hope you’re well mate.
It’s very well named.
Item #: SCP-∞
Object Class: Keter
Containment Procedure: Due to the nature of SCP-∞, full containment is not possible at this time. SCP-∞ is currently limited to the servers of a website known as [REDACTED], but attempts to seize and expunge this website have so far been stymied. Angel personnel are to be focused on observation using a text-finding script that will ensure detection of SCP-∞ outbreaks. Any websites or computers apart from [REDACTED] that display an instance of SCP-∞ will be seized and destroyed by Angel personnel immediately, with servers and hard drives moved to Site-34 for proper disposal. Manifestation of SCP-∞ infection in personnel will cause them to have the new designate of SCP-∞-01, and must be removed to Site-69 for processing.
Description: SCP-∞ is a batch of computer data that manifests as a derivative novel-length work of fiction about the characters of hit television series My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic. The story’s premise is an infinitely long and still ongoing relationship between the characters of Princess Celestia and Twilight Sparkle as they attempt to catch the eye of a third party, who are central members of the cast and not at all very pretty princesses, most definitely not. SCP-∞ describes a world of wonder and magic that is shown to have an entrancing effect on readers, leading them to wish for a new existence in Equestria, the setting of Friendship is Magic, which I most certainly do not enjoy watching. SCP-∞ is only 1.1 megabytes, but it is for all intents and purposes a never-ending story, and that’s just awful, because these stupid, dumb, adorable ponies have to be stopped, damn it, I don’t want to keep reading about them, don’t insinuate I read pony fanfiction.
SCP-∞ infection manifests in several clearly delineated and easily identifiable stages which fit the Kübler-Ross model for the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. So if you’ll make me stop trying to find this damn thing all over the internet and purging it, I promise I’ll stop talking your ears off about how much I hate it, okay?
Geez, I just think sometimes it would be easier to sit down and keep reading. Anyway, SCP-∞ just goes on and on about how wonderful it is to be a pony, and how much the ponies love each other and how our poor, pathetic race will never match the virtues espoused in the show, and how we could all have better lives if we just sorta fell into the magic and let it take us. It’s kinda disgusting how beautiful it all is. What’s the point of going on, man?
Screw this stupid report, I need to Smile Smile Smile. I’m gonna go binge watch season 2, which was clearly the last good season. Maybe if I do it enough Faust will come back and keep writing. Ha! I’ll turn into a pony before that happens. Oh please, oh please, oh please…
----
Wanderer D frowned. Something seemed like it was going to go terribly wrong. He looked at the remains of his hamburger and then to the glass in his hand, wishing he had ordered a larger coke. But food wasn't giving him that feeling… it was something else...
"Man, I really don't trust this new guy that just came into Colleen's Dojo. He looks like a douche."
----
Twilight Sparkle reflects on how amazing Equestria is. Truly there is no better world than this one.
Seattle:
Huh. This one I don’t know. The hell? Okay, hold on, gimme a sec…
What. Voltaire? This is a tale from my heyday (say something, I dare you), and it’s grimdark-premised AND philosophically based. How the hell did I miss this one? Cassius. I blame Cass.
So… wow. This bugger is, naturally for a classic, huge. I don’t have the time to read through this beast tonight, so prepare for a few PoV / SoC progressive thoughts. Make sense of them for bonus points.
Okay. Bear with me here. This story is historically sound and obviously heavily referenced. While impressive in itself—especially for anyone who’s read Voltaire’s work—it’s a detriment to reader immersion till about chapter four, where the pony takes the stage.
>the pen is mightier than the horn
Oh, well played Poodle.
Okay… nevermind guys. This would take a long time. Here’s the take: this is dense, and stays that way. It is written intelligently and by one who knows Voltaire fairly well. If you enjoy historical fiction, with a heavy dose of underlying philosophical witticisms and quips, this story is for you.
Poodle. Keep writing.
I liked this. It reminded me why we watch the show, and how amazing Equestria is. Lets all go there!
Theorizing that one could time travel within their own lifetime, Dr. Twilight Sparkle stepped into the Quantum Leap accelerator... and vanished. She woke to find herself trapped in the past, facing mirror images that were not her own and driven by an unknown force to change history for the better. Her only guide on this journey is CelestAI, an observer from her own time, who appears in the form of a hologram that only Twilight can see and hear. And so Dr. Sparkle finds herself leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong and hoping each time that her next leap will be to a world that is indeed the best possible world of them all.
In which a lot of math happens in a very short amount of time, and Rainbow Dash exposes her true genius.
***k sake, another human story? You lot know I abhor these, right? Fine. I’ll make this as painless as possible, but somebody is getting fired.
>a lot of the fandom has died down over the years
In a 2013 story. Hilarious, right?
>whisky
Ah. I see we’ve a true Irishman writing here. I’m too drunk right now to remember my Gaelic, but pretend I send my regards.
>I'm not really a clopper
Sure kid, whatever you say.
And by the end of chapter one, we have dude wistfully envious of Dash in her role in a ShiningXDash shipfic. And then all a sudden f**kity BAM Dash’s signature mark is on dude’s thigh. Two questions—was dude wearing booty shorts or just pantless, and isn’t a Mark generally on the outside of the ass? I have an Orwellian suspicion that this Mark is on the inside of the thigh, just because that’s how I see this thing going.
So let’s see. 32k word story eh? Okay, for giggles, let’s jump to the last chapter and see what shinigans have developed and if we can make ANY sense of them. Pav will be taking bets at good odds for all takers.
Chapter 35 - Loyalty! Let’s see what we got!
Well, instant disappointment that Rarity, as worst pony, hasn’t been killed off yet. Shame.
Oh hey, I think our main character dude is a pony now! Who EVER would have imagined THAT plot twist. Willickers!
>I glance around at our options and mumble to the other girls
Well… we either have a typo here or dude is now a mare as well. I’m not gonna clear this one up, so have fun finding out!
Oh hey, Rarity makes a smart ass comment and Discord straight fuses her mouth closed. Now that I can get on board with! Shoulda happened 35 chapters ago, but hey, it’s the results that count, right?
Oh. What. So check this out—I’m pretty sure main character guy has actually turned INTO Dash. Best pony, yes. Thus, what the hell. Taking your OC and straight up REPLACING the Rainbow with him/her/it? Christ wept mate.
And then Fluttershy is transformed into a Draconequus sex slave. I’m … not entirely opposed to this. Should I be? Haha, nooooooooope.
Hm. So as the story ends, the title comes full circle, in the form of it being the opening line of a curse that seems to condemn Discord to eternal suffering, or work, or… something. Dun dun dunnnnnn.
It’s not often you get to read a pony story that goes real in-depth into history, math, and historical math. But this one does it superbly, and I feel edjamacated now!
I’m just disappointed this story didn’t end in 25 chapters. That would have been sooo meta.
I got an F in high school math so I didn’t really understand this one, but apparently Seattle loved it, so I’ll take his word on how great it is.
Disaster! Rainbow Dash is dead and nobody can be found to replace her on the weather team! Without her fearsome leadership, Ponyville is left suffering the worst drought in history.
A heavy-going story, but it's worth slogging through the first few chapters to get the epic adventure that sees the remaining five travel into the far west to find a way to bring Rainbow Dash back to life. You can skim the genealogies. They don't contain anything worth knowing.
Okay, now, THIS is one of the more impressive grimdark stories I’ve ever read on—and GD is my shit. I’m not sure where the Angel above is coming from, what with the “Dash is deeeaaad” malarkey, considering she’s about the only one who DOESN’T die horribly in this fic.
Enter premise: all powerful sun horse has straight up lost her damn mind (again) and goes on a total rampage. So much blood. Hearken back to cupcakes slash fics plus Severance. I think Twilight gets her head on a spike in the first few dozen paragraphs, with ugh… all the things happening to the others.
Dear readers. I have a penchant for the dark and malicious in the blending of tales and pathos. But this. This story. Hell. In the end, with pretty much every known character’s torn corpse strewn about the city, Celestia decides to take off—donning the form of a more normal pony and traipsing off to canter about the land. No doubt this is a clever literary maneuver designed to illustrate her attempt to come to terms with her broken mind and bloody hooves by looking to assume a more innocent form. Or something.
Either way, this story is just a brutal nightmare through and through. Have fun.
Does this story really need one at this point?
This is a story all about how a normal guy’s life got turned upside down,
Now I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there,
I’ll tell you all about how this fic broke all records without compare.
In West Cloudsdale, born and raised, on a obstacle course is where Rainbow spent most of her days.
Being all awesome, chillaxin’, and cool, and kicking some Buckball outside the school,
Until a couple of griffons who were up to no good,
Started makin’ trouble in the cloudhood.
Rainbow got in one little fight and Celestia got annoyed,
And was like, “I’m sending you to live with this broke dood on the other side of the Void!”
The human whistled when it became clear that this pony could talk and had a mark on her rear,
If anything he could say this equine was lame, but thought, “Naw, forget it, I’m glad that you came!”
He raised Rainbow up like a daughter, seven or ten years later,
She had to leave and he’s like, “No, Celestia you trator!”
Rainbow looked over how he had become sad and lonely,
And wrote him a letter how she had become the Princess of Bronys.
Well. I suppose I should be grateful my Angels didn’t try to shove Nyx down my throat… so I guess there’s that.
If you haven’t read MLD, I don’t know what rock you’ve been hiding under. But if there’s room, I got the whiskey—let me in.
Alright, so as you all most likely know, this is the iconic tale in which by some measure of magic of a twisted hellspawn, our beloved best pone is stuffed into a cardboard box—in baby form, no less—and dropped on the doorstep of a rather sadistic psychopath. Harry Potter, anyone? Well. You wish. Because that twatwaffle cousin Dursley is ten times the character of this main, who essentially spends the entire plot—and Dash’s growth from babby to grown feather horse—in a rendition of: “It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.” And by the end of this saga, our beloved Rainbow is the one cross-legged in front of a mirror proclaiming her willingness to wing-bone herself.
And then everyone dies and it was all a dream, cooked up by Scootaloo’s twisted obsessions.
End scene.
A pensive silence filled the room as the screen went dark. The only sounds for stretched minutes were the nervous shuffling of hooves and wings, and the unending—and obnoxious—crunching of popcorn which by all rights should have long been gone.
“Tsk.” The single syllable fell like a hammer—heads ducked, eyes winced, lips were chewn.
The staccato roll of fingers on hard wood filled the auditorium, as the assembled Angels past and present gazed upward to the darkened balcony.
“Pav! Don’t think I don’t see you. Where do you think you’re going?” Seattle’s voice lashed out.
Pav froze, halfway into the hole he’d clawed out of the floorboards.
A heavy sigh descended from on high, and in a most mournful voice: “Oh, my Angels. What’s become of you? You were once the pinnacle of my hopes for…” He sighed, trailing off into sullen silence for a moment.
“I mean look at you!” he said, throwing out both hands toward the clustered Angels. “You’re a bloody anthropomorphic mess! Red, for Christ’s sake will you get the hell out of Plum’s pant leg?”
The rant continued for some minutes as Seattle took the open circular stair down from the balcony. Take a moment, he leaned against the floor’s pillar with a hand raised to his face.
Ferret’s ears pricked and she swore she heard Seattle muttering a slew of curses (rather creatively, she had to admit) and the name “Cassius”—and the odd “feather duster”—as he stalked closer. A bare few feet Seattle stopped before the group, his blue gaze sweeping carefully over each face. He grinned.
“Heh. Seriously guys.” Seattle barked a laugh. “A guy disappears for a couple years and he’s a narrative pony palpatine. Hands on two Angel’s shoulders, the whole of Seattle’s Angels broke down in laughter. Except, one should note, the intern, who seemed to have simply fainted dead away.
“Heh. Yeah,” said Seattle, getting his breath back, “we can still review the shit outta these things.”
Archonix and Corejo then pulled up a pair of packs, unzipped them, and to the glory of all present withdrew several fifths of scotch, whiskey, cool aid, and box wine—the box wine, naturally, was immediately and rather ferociously snatched by Belligerent Sock, who proceeded to gnaw at a cardboard corner and snarl at anyone who glanced his way.
Glasses quickly filled and, as one, raised high.
Seattle grinned once more, and said, “Angels. To you. You have been the champions of the unrecognized writers of Fimfic. You have dug through countless stories that this site has produced in search of the elusive gems just waiting to be discovered. The writers, and the readers, owe you a debt. It’s been an honor to have such a reliable, slightly psychotic, and skilled group of reviewers over these years that love this enough to be of such service to the community. Never let this…” he paused, choosing the next word carefully, ”...crazy... fandom stop writing. Cheers!”
“Cheers!” the voices of the Angels rang out, filling the auditorium. Except for Casca, who had stiffened like a board and fallen to the floor as soon as the 50-year Scotch hit his throat.
Seattle scowled into suddenly innocent and wide-eyed faces. “Which one of you switched out his kool aid? You’re fired.”
Feel free to visit our group for more information and events, and to offer some recommendations for future rounds. See you all next time!
...well meme’d, SA.
I am at a loss for words.
At least you made it a magnificent one.
~Skeeter The Lurker
C is for crack reviews. That's good enough for me.
Wat.
You guys, April Fools isn't for another ten days or so yet.
Isn't it kinda early for April Fool's jokes?
This will all make sense if you read it aloud while watching Episode #100.
Bravo on the Fresh Prince remix!
And on behalf of every other writer: at least that wasn't us!
I think my name got put on someone else's review.
Oh well, it wouldn't be a SA post without a glaring mistake. it's probably my fault anyway.
This was awesome. :D
4464836
Dammit, I forget to tag my review for one
weekday and suddenly it gets attributed to some random jackass.That'll learn me to get edjamacated some more, I guess.
Wait, how seriously should I be taking these? Because I actually liked Eternal a lot, but I've tried to read all the rest of these and couldn't finish them.
4464988
As seriously as pink elephants on parade.
4464980 Hey, watch who you're calling a jac- oh. Right...
>good stories with low views
I'd be mad, but squirrel won this.
I have nooooooo idea what's going on here.
Fun fact: MLD was the first fanfic of any... world? universe? fandom? Whatever... that I ever read. Prior to that, and it's embarrassing in retrospect, I just kind of assumed people who wrote fanfic couldn't hack it as "real" authors. Youth is so damning, sometimes. MLD taught me that fanfic could be good.
Eternal showed me it could be perfect.*
*Full deference to the use of the word in-story.
4465184 Your loss
Not atop the ever-rising mountain of video games, decidedly not across the ocean of movies or the vast seas(ons) of television, in what likely constitutes the Middle Earth of this metaphor, lies my rock. I've never checked to see how many could fit under, but I'm sure there are others just like it hardly a stone's throw away.
Of course you were going to pull this shit. I'd knock back a shot of bourbon, either in celebration or surliness, but I gave up whiskey for Lent this year (for some fucking reason...).
So... why are we staring at a mountaintop?
I didn't make the list? I'm insulted. I WALK AWAY, FLIPPING MY CAPE IN A PIQUE, AN ABSOLUTE PIQUE HARRUMPH
Hark, I must away on my flying jet-ski. Milk does not buy itself willingly.
Sunny Skies is best MURDERPOCALYPSE no question about that
4466189
I'll have to take their word for it. I got to the slaughterhouse scene two paragraphs in and realized the story was 4edgy16me.
At any rate, congratulations on 100, Angels! And thanks for some awesome blasts from the past.