I'm Going in a New Direction · 1:55am Apr 1st, 2014
Hello faithful legions of devoted fans,
As you all know, the only reason that I’m on Fimfiction.net is to become popular and famous. It’s not like I enjoy writing or anything. I mean, I actually kinda suck at it. No, this is all an avenue to bask in the glory of e-fame of a small, vocal community of cartoon horse enthusiasts. Because I literally have no life outside of this website.
With that being said, I believe that I’ve been going about becoming popular entirely the wrong way. I’ve been trying to write these long epic adventure stories with overarching plotlines and themes, and I’ve been writing witty satire and humor which cleverly mocks society and the show, and what do I have to show for it? A measly 375 followers after over a year of doing this stuff, for crying out loud! I’m going nowhere fast.
But thankfully, as I have come to realize, I never actually needed to be creative at all! All that I really needed to do to get watchers was just write clop. Because deep down, all that stuff about writing what you like is just BS, and this site is just populated by horny, nerdy teenagers at the end of the day who like to get their rocks off to cartoon horses screwing each other. I may not be the next Pen Stroke or Short Skirts, but I sure as hell can be the next RainbowBob or Darf!
So, with that being said, as of April 1st, I will now solely and exclusively be writing clop. I hope that you all will read these stories and enjoy them in a way that you never could enjoy my other, non-sexual stories. (I mean, I guess you technically could enjoy those in that way, too, but it would be kind of hard to jerk it to stories about Justin Bieber or the Westboro Baptist Church.)
My first clop, “Twilight Sparkle Pleasures Herself,” has just been released, which you can view here. Bear in mind that this is only my first clop story, and I might not be that great at sultry and sensual writing, but hey, that’s never stopped anyone else on this site before, right?
Please be sure to upvote, favorite, post it to groups, and spam the comments sections with how much you enjoyed it at a carnal level so that it will generate heat (that’s so hot) and get into the feature box.
But this is only the beginning. I plan on writing a lot more, including…
“Maude Does A Mountain”
About Maude and a mountain. Some people have written about her and Tom, but that’s old hat. Only a giant mountain could ever satisfy Maude. Actually, I don’t think anything at all satisfies Maude, but this is fanfiction.
“You and Pound and Pumpkin”
A 2nd POV fic starring you and the Cake twins. After all, clop is the only type of story that ever gets popular with those two in it. And don’t worry, I’ll age them up to like, eight or something so that they’re not still foals. Because that makes it so much less illegal/immoral.
These fics will be released tomorrow, April 1st.
I’ll also be retconning all of my older stories to include elements of clop, as well. Thanks for supporting me during this change.
-CartsBeforeWhoreses
More like Private PARTS before Whoreses, amirite?
I'd lel harder if KistuneRisu hadn't beaten you to it.
Happy April 1, Carts. Which it has already been here for ten hours, by the way.
God Dammit, Carts
But srsly, for myself, clop didn't really get me many followers. It was either the comedies, crossovers, or more recently, dark fics that got me more followers, but that could be me. Good luck!
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/569/298/6b0.png
1970769
April Fools be damned I wanna see Maude pound a mountain.
1970811
Why not make it happen yourself? Hell, you and Carts could release one at the same time and start a new trend!
lol
1970820
For some reason the end result of that would some how be this:
maniacworld.com/lobster-knife-fight.jpg
only instead of lobsters it's sexually frustrated Maude clones on top of mountains.
Suri Polomare Takes Credit for Everything
"I call it the Canter Sutra, 'kay?"
By Celestia's banana hoard, you've figured out the secret for your story to show up in the Featured Box. Congratulations my friend.