New Miracle Medication: Russiadiditol! · 1:46am Aug 30th, 2018
“I’m having a terrible day. Somebody broke into my house last night and they drank all the vodka! They replaced every app on my phone with Tetris, and every song in my library with Tchaikovsky! Worst of all, they exposed my carelessness because I didn’t lock my door. What do I do? Who can I blame this on?TM”
Do YOU ever feel like this person? Then Russiadiditol, from Zaibatsu Pharmaceuticals, might be the perfect fit for you!
“I’m a candidate who ran for political office. I didn’t campaign in Wisconsin or Michigan at all, I misplaced a few thousand emails, I insulted half of the country, and when I smile I look like the Wicked Witch of the West. So imagine my shock when I somehow lost! I mean, I didn’t even write a concession speech, that’s how confident I was in my victory. Who can I blame this on?TM”
Russia did it all!
A revolutionary new medication, Russiadiditol calms the needlessly stressful areas of the brain such as the frontal lobe, which is responsible for judgment, problem solving, and personal accountability. You won’t need them anymore, because having to reason is racist. Instead, the drug hypercharges the amygdala, limbic system, and other areas involved in producing beneficial emotions such as smug satisfaction, paranoia, and deceit.
“I was reading some facts on Wikipedia about Russia. Apparently Russia only has an economy the size of Italy, has a declining population and one of the highest suicide rates in the world, and only spends 9% of what America spends on its military. Not even including NATO. I was starting to doubt that the Russians are ten feet tall and want to consume the flesh of America’s wonderful undocumented immigrants. In fact, I started to think that China and America are the actual superpowers and Russia just likes to play the spoiler. The SPOILER, for atheism’s sake! So I just took my Russiadiditol and almost immediately, Russia’s horrifying eminence returned to my mind. I’m once again confident that they are dogs of hellfire.”
Don’t let pesky facts get in the way. Russia is the single greatest threat in the local galactic cluster. Russiadiditol!
“I’m a recently deceased senator from a state filled with retirees who still think the Cold War is on. Don’t mind the moaning; I did that before I died, too. Even though I’m a ghost and can instantly travel anywhere in the universe that I want, I still haunt that cell in Vietnam run by those
ChineseRussian-sponsored Viet Cong. Even in death, I still take Russiadiditol Ghost-XTM and it works wonders. Now even diehard leftists who voted against me in 2008 are mourning my death because they’re all on Russiadiditol too. They all know who they can blame everything on!”
So ask your doctor about Russiadiditol, and discover who you can blame it onTM today!
WARNING: Side effects may include mental gymnastics, decoherence with reality, electile dysfunction, endless investigations, witchhunting tendencies, novichok gas, Cold War flashbacks, hallucinations of Vladimir Putin laughing at you, NATO skin growths on the buttocks of Europe, sudden tolerance for Neo-Nazi militias in Ukraine, ever-increasing military budgets, and rabies. Fatal allergies to vodka have happened. Call your doctor immediately if you begin having seizures, lapses in judgment, or if other people can’t understand what you’re saying.
Not available in Russia.
Well to be perfectly honest, in my humble opinion, of course without offending anyone who thinks differently from my point of view, but also by looking into this matter in a different perspective and without being condemning of one's views and by trying to make it objectified, and by considering each and every one's valid opinion, I honestly believe that I completely forgot what I was going to say.
4928251
And one for you too.
LOL.
Do not mistake Russiadiditol for cheap and inferior products such as Chinadiditol. Side effects of this knock-off include long-term chauffeur replacement syndrome, and the belief that every one of your communications is being secretly read by a foreign government in real-time.
4928315
Well, not in real time, no. But at least one foreign government is saving as much as they possibly can to comb through at their leisure.
4928315 At this point, 90% of Americans can agree that the Deep State Intelligence community is behind a nefarious plot to undermine American democracy. The only part of this belief where people diverge is which nation's Deep State is responsible, the US or Russia's.
4928323
Google.
4929670
You jest, but PRISM does involve collaboration between the NSA and all the big names in Silicon Valley, including Google. I think you already know this though; from what I’ve read of your comments you seem pretty well‐informed on things like this.
4929898
Yeah, definitely, that's why I made that crack. It's readily apparent to me that in addition to their own increasingly political activity, Google is an open book to any intelligence agency because not only are they legally barred from taking the kinds of extreme precautions organizations like NSA use (which we have repeatedly seen aren't perfect), but they also happily hire foreign nationals who can easily put in back doors for their country's intelligence agencies to dig through Google's supposedly secure databases.
4930513
Great. So not only do I have to worry about Americans stealing my data and letting my government have it so that “technically” it didn’t spy on its own citizens, but also whichever country some foreign‐born diversity hire’s allegiance actually lies with?
4931181
Yep, and to make it even more fun, that means everything Google has about critical government officials is an open book to countries like China and Russia.
4935301
And here I was thinking I dodged that bullet by refusing to ever sign up for Facebook.
4935435
Well, the same logic applied to them as well, but yeah, you can't really dodge all the security and privacy problems in the modern world. The best you can do is try to control what information makes it online in any form (which I do as much as possible), but the reality is that with the data analytics out there it's virtually impossible to truly hide anything important about yourself these days. I don't like it any more than I suspect you or Carts do, but the unfortunate reality is that privacy has become an obsolete concept in the modern world and no amount of trying (including legislative action like the EU recently enacted) is going to change that.