Site Post » Reviews Round 33 · 6:31pm Dec 23rd, 2013
The air was a pain to breathe, weighted by a cold, dry atmosphere and layers of clothing to suppress the sharp wind chills. The snow blared at him from a seemingly unnatural angle, digging into the crevices of his coat and slipping down the collar of his shirt. Thankfully, he did not need to be in this blizzard any longer. He wrapped his gloved hand around the handle of the surface dwelling and heavied it open against the raw force of the storm. The wood groaned defiantly, but he created a gap just large enough to slip through into the warm, dark entryway before the door slammed shut behind him.
“Who’s idea was it to build the stupid entrance this far north?” Razgriz hissed. His nose was red and his ears were burning, and he wasted shaking off the ice that clung to his coat as he descended the staircase. “I mean, seriously! At least put the thing in the side of a mountain, not in the middle of some frozen wasteland! The thing looks like an outhouse!”
“But that’s the beauty of it,” Corejo said, glancing up from a wood bench in the middle of the small earthen room Razgriz had entered. He sat hunched over a small wood fire burning in front of him, doing his best to ignore the ever-present, dull roar of the winter storm. He took a bite out of the snack in his free hand and then said, “For someone caught out here, doing their business is the last thing on their minds.”
“I can think of several things I’d rather not be thinking about,” Razgriz muttered as he took a seat beside his friend. “Now let’s get down to business.”
“You got the stuff?” Corejo asked.
There was a shuffling as Razgriz unzipped the three jackets he was wearing. “Yeah,” he said with a grunt, reaching into the innermost pocket and producing a small notepad. “It’s not exactly pretty, but for all intents and purposes it’ll be just fine.”
“Perfect,” Corejo said. He produced a manilla envelope and sat it down on the untouched part of the bench between them. He took a moment to reach behind, into the shadows cast by the flickering fire, and came back with three old and battered tomes.
“That’s them?” Razgriz asked. “The stories?”
“Yup,” Corejo answered and handed him one. He took another bite out of his snack before continuing. “I know you’re used to doing shorter stuff, but this is all the Angels were able to recover before that library collapsed. What’s here is what we got.”
“Sounds peachy.”
Corejo pinched the bridge of his nose. “Please don’t go there. Do you not know how the library collapsed?”
“Did it have anything to with Pav?”
“Probably.” Corejo sat the rest of the tomes down and picked his envelope back up. He started to undo the seal when he realized something was amiss. He glanced up and around the room before settling his gaze on Razgriz. “Wait, did you come here alone? Where’s the other?”
Razgriz sighed. “The storm got him. He didn’t make it.”
Corejo crumpled the edges of his reviews. “B-but there’s supposed to be three of us! Do we have any backups we can—”
“No,” Razgriz was quick to say and he adverted his gaze. “We’re too far away for any of them to get here in time. The weather is too much and it’s only going to grow in strength. Again, only an idiot would choose to build the secret lair this far north.”
Corejo blinked. “This isn’t the secret lair. This is Seatlle_Lite’s inverse-igloo.”
“The inversigloo?” Razgriz asked, genuinely confused. Now that he thought about it, he wondered why he ever suspected this crummy hole in the ground was actually the secret lair. “Why in the blazes were we told to come here again?”
“I think it had something to do with the asparagus,” Corejo said, taking a small bite out of his snack. “Regardless, we’re here and we have our reviews. As much as it pains me to say it, I think we should just move on with just the two of us. We can recover whoever’s frozen remains later.”
“Fine,” Razgriz said. He opened his notepad and turned to the first review.
ROUND 33
“It looked like the forest had come to life, liquid as the pouring rain.”
Have you ever read that one story, that one brilliant piece that gives you that inflated feeling inside your chest and you just want to take it and stuff it in everyone else’s face exclaiming, “OMG READ THIS!”? I had one of those moments with this story.
This story is without a doubt one of the most brilliant I’ve read in this fandom. It’s up there with A Wake of Mist and Flame on my list for stories us Angels have reviewed. I have to say that the writing isn’t not top notch—the way it can get rather telly and its back-and-forth-pacing makes complete immersion hard at times (I would have preferred a much slower pace, overall)—it is better than most, with few tangents bogging down the story—something that often plagues fan fiction. But these don’t hinder the story any, much less the fascinating imagination A Hoof-ful of Dust uses to build it.
“Without the cycle of the moon and sun, life remains in stasis.”
I do, sadly, have to say that the season 4 opener messes with some of the headcanon in this story. I also have to add that the similarities between canon and headcanon are uncanny—A Hoof-ful of Dust guessed pretty well. Either way, slap a mental “AU” tag on it (if that’s your thing) and get to reading, because the origins headcanon is the whole kit and caboodle here.
Dust does a wonderful job of sprinkling in this origins headcanon throughout the story. While it is the backbone of what is and will be (sorry, I can’t say much without spoilers), it is used rather sparingly, only here and there as Twilight and Luna (yes! Luuuuuuuna!) delve into the mysteries of the Everfree. It sets the stage—no more, no less—and puts the two into meaningful, well-thought-out situations and equally true-to-show characterizations that spearhead the opening theme: what does it mean to be a princess? I cannot recommend this enough.
Something I think that’s sparse and underrepresented when it comes to ponyficiton are stories that read like fairytales. It’s a bit of a challenge to pull off well enough not just in terms of pace or themes, but considering that the world of Equestria already exists as fantasy, fantasizing fantasy in general is an even greater hurdle to overcome. But Here Comes the Rain Again pulls it off beautifully in addition to some wonderful characterization and world building.
The story revolves around Twilight Sparkle, awakening to a world overtaken by forestry and ruled by eternal night. She quickly comes to find Princess Luna and before long the two go off on an adventure to reverse whatever evil has caused Equestria to grow so dark. These two ponies’ great characterizations fuel hope inside each other as things seem to get bleaker and bleaker, but it really shines with the world building that the author is able to pull off in such a relatively short amount of time. Mind you, this isn’t a dark story, but it certainly feels like one at times when we see the hardships these two endure. It’s gripping, and I can confidently say it’s been a while since a story has had me so engrossed.
What I love so much about Here Comes the Rain Again is its atmosphere. Again, this goes with developing a great, fantastical sense of Equestria that makes it read so much like a fairytale. I felt like I was reading through some Disney movie at times from how well the setting was presented. the imagination used here is stunning. There’s a lot of headcanon here, but it fits the story well.
There is one complaint I have with the story, however. The ending is a bit on the abrupt side and left me slightly confused as to how the conflict was resolved. Kinda like a marathon runner falling flat on their face at the finish line, but still winning the race. It pulled it off, just not as well as it could have been.
Those who love world building should be right at home with this story. I also recommend it to anyone looking for a superb example of a fairytale using ponies. There’s not that many interwoven details to look out for, but the ride that comes with reading this is very enjoyable despite the more simplistic nature of the story.
Through my time as a fanfiction writer, I have learned many things about the art of writing. One of these is that shorter sentences are better and that I should turn up my nose at long, overwrought ones. This tends to by my knee-jerk reaction when it comes to fics piled high with seemingly never-ending sentences. But there’s something about Lessons For a Benevolent Tyrant that just gets me.
Pointless asides, check. Long descriptions and massive blocks of text, check. Pulling my hair out… not check.
I just don’t get it. There’s a certain charm about this story, the way Hustlin Tom just throws his words onto the page. It somehow works. Maybe its the setting that rubs me the right way; Tyrantlestia is a fun trope. I’ll admit I haven’t read many stories in this vein, so that may be why I find the story refreshing despite its lengthy sentence structure. Celestia (or Sol Invicta as she’s known here) blowing up minotaurs is also a plus. Okay, it’s a lot of a plus, but that’s only a snippet of Lesson’s allure.
The real strength of this story is that it is less about Tyrantlestia than it is about her learning from the mistake of being, well, a tyrant. Starswirl the Bearded makes his appearance as the “crotchety, old schoolmaster” and plays off Celestia’s character marvelously. The dynamic between the two as he teaches her the values of truly benevolent leadership becomes the weight behind the story and gives this story the much needed angle required to drive the Lessons (hah!) of the story home.
There is some attempt at comedy here. Sadly, almost all of the story’s jabs at humor fell flat for me (I hate references to other works, especially when in the form of comedy), but Tom at least understands that it isn’t the main draw of the story. Each bit comes and goes as quickly as it should, which, if you do find it humorous, will likely keep things lively throughout; otherwise, they easily sweep themselves under the rug.
I had fun reading this. If you can stomach the tidal wave of words, this is definitely a good read.
Let me be the first to say that the very concept of Tyrantlestia is an old, tired thing that has squandered many stories and ruined what potential said stories had. It’s so misused, so undeserved, and so abject to many situations that it can only serve to drag a story down. If the show is any indication, Celestia is not a tyrant, and any author who has the audacity to make her be one had better have a pretty darn good reason. Lessons for a Benevolent Tyrant might just take the easiest route there is to presenting a tyrannical princess, one so easy some might see it as some sort of cop-out on the concept. But I love it. Oh, how do I love it.
Shoving Season 4 aside, this story deals with Celestia and what she does with the kingdom shortly after Nightmare Moon’s initial defeat and banishment. Actually, it presents a lovely prelude of sorts that showcases what happened. The story itself follows Princess Celestia having lead her own ideology astray with her politics, personality, and outlook of the world. It’s no secret that she’s become the very thing she despised herself, but it isn’t until an old friend gets her to see the error of her ways does she inevitably turn around to the loving, caring princess we see now in the show. All through some great world building and character interaction.
It might just be the way this story is written. It’s not exactly flowery nor is it simplistic, but there’s a grace to the syntax here that I find mesmerizing. It feels very much like a fairytale and... huh. We just had one of those. Oh well, the more the merrier! This story is just a delight to read, plain and simple. Lessons for a Benevolent Tyrant just hits all the right notes for an atmosphere rich with wonder.
But I do have a small number of things to whine about. Namely, there’s the humor that’s spread throughout that kinda just falls flat on its face. Not to say it’s bad or detracts from the story, but it seems unnecessary. Also, for what the story is doing, things seem to go by a little too quickly at times. But again, that isn’t to say it lessens the reading experience, rather it’s just a personal gripe. But I’m nitpicking here.
Those who like world building and want to have a thoughtful read on the times following the initial defeat and banishment of Nightmare Moon should check this one out. Simply put, it’s just a fun story to read.
Who doesn’t love worldbuilding? Well you better love it, because we’ve got a good one waiting for you. Ruled By Sin is a short story originally written for a WBA write off. While write-off stories are often scoffed at for lack of strong, concise wording (the short durations often force authors to forgo fine combing their stories), this one beats the trend. Pearple Prose does an excellent job of bringing to life the story of what has slowly been growing on me as personal headcanon regarding dragons.
To begin, this fic is quite short, clocking in at only 2.2k words. Now, that’s not a knock against Prose by any means; brevity is the soul of wit, as they say. This story tells what it wants to, never hanging around any longer than necessary. Its concept is simple and wastes no time getting to the meat of the story. I would say that the pacing and narrative standpoint clashed at times, but that’s a grievance I can live with, as fixing one would have caused more problems with the other due to the way Prose decided to tell the story.
Ruled By Sin is one of the few fics out there that succeeds in evoking a storybook feel. It holds an aloof perspective on the matter, never straying too far into the story to muddy the narrative. It retains the—get ready for it—telliness that makes this style unique. Despite the arguments over Show versus Tell, this fic stands out as a brilliant example of Tell done right. Prose keeps things simple, but never goes overboard to the point of spelling it out to us. He lets it stand of its own weight, of our interest in the story he has to tell—which I am technically incorrect in phrasing as such.
There is no true action done during the story. There is only one moment where it nears a “normal” narrative, but Prose manages to reign himself in, keep it distant and distinct as the style warrants. I would have preferred more distance and obscurity, but, in all honesty, that would have probably hindered the scene. The temporary transition shows adaptation of the style to fit the needs of plot (it can be argued that there even is one, but that’s beside the point), which is impressive, as it isn’t noticed very readily. Not everyone can keep themselves within such limited boundaries when faced with an action scene and retain the previously set mood. That in and of itself is noteworthy.
So much world building. I love it. These three stories have had so much world building in them it’s astounding. But whereas the first two used the world building to add to their stories, Ruled by Sin is pretty much all world building, and those are the kind of things I sincerely love. So whenever I get to dissect a World Building Alliance story, it makes me feel so giddy. I think I just like the way those two words sound close together. World building. World building! World building.
Ahem. This story is a bit on the short side and reads very much like an old legend. It is the legend of Sin the Black and his corruption and ruination of a peaceful dragon society in a time before ponies, turning them into the brutish figures the show presents them to be. This dragon was just evil. If evil could be given a scale, this dragon would be in a class all by himself.
Ruled by Sin tells its story in exactly as many words it needs to be told, nothing more. And that, I think, is its strongest element. It gets right where it needs to be and stays there for only as long as it has to. There’s an undying argument going around revolving around the concepts of showing versus telling. There’s plenty of examples for how to “show” with a story and how not to “tell.” But there’s not that many which say how to “tell” and how not to “show.” This story is a prime example of the latter; simple to understand, direct with its intents, and gives everything it has in a neat and orderly fashion. This is telling done right.
My only real complaint with this story is its brevity, as I wish it could have gone on longer even though it really didn’t need to. Perhaps extending it would undermine the story? I don’t know. All I can say is that, as far as what’s here is concerned, and with the exception of a few grammatical errors, I found no faults in my reading. I really have to commend the author for keeping themselves restrained, sticking to that limited word count, and keeping the pace even and consistent.
Anyone who likes dragons and lore should have a wonderful time with this. Admittedly, it’s not the best story I ever read, but for what it does, it does it amazingly well.
“So we’re finished here?” Razgriz asked.
Corejo took another bite of his snack and looked thoughtful. “I believe we are. Well done, even if we were a man down this time.”
“Let’s see to it that it doesn’t happen again,” Razgriz said. He returned his notepad to his innermost jacket pocket before standing and zipping all three of them shut. “For starters, we can never visit the inversigloo again. Especially in winter.”
“But I like it here!” Corejo protested. He picked up the three tomes and slid them into a canvas sack. “It feels like a home away from home.”
“Well that’s your deal,” Razgriz said, hesitantly turning away and back towards the steps. “One of the Angels is probably so frozen solid the only way we’d ever see him the same way again is with a chisel and a hammer. I’d say a chainsaw but I don’t trust any of us with one of those things.”
“Either way, we’re going to need more stories,” Corejo said. “Fruit bats and pipe mold ruined the old library, so we’re going to need to find a new one. If you have an ideas for where we can find future stories to review, I’m all ears. Every bit helps.”
“We’re Seattle’s Angels,” Razgriz said. “I’m sure we’ll come up with something.”
For those wondering why this round was a week behind schedule, and only has two sets of reviews, our third reviewer dropped off the face of the earth. We've been waiting for him to return, but no word yet.
1639575
Down a man?
That sucks...
Who's AWOL, if I may ask?
~Skeeter The Lurker
Thanks for the reviews! I found a story I felt was interesting to fav and save for future reading.
only took 16 years
1639590
ur mom
Oh my god, thank you so much guys! I personally adore that story and consider it one of my best, even if it is pretty old now.
Damn, now I need to expand on it.
"One of these is that shorter sentences are better and that I should turn up my nose at long, overwrought ones."
This is something I will almost certainly never agree with. The number of highly regarded stories that bore me because of consistently short sentences is... high. Short, just as long, has its place, and using either out of context is a horror Cthulu would be proud of.
1639575 1639590
Csquared?
1639617
It's bad form to insult the dead.
~Skeeter The Lurker
1639635
Longer sentences certainly do have their place, but it's just that this fandom has a tendency to do them clumsily. Or I at least just notice the clumsiness in longer sentences easier than shorter ones.
1639949 And that sounds like a pretty good way of making the distinction. Chances are lower that you'll gaff short sentences than long ones, and in the end, a little blandness is less damaging than unreadability.
Why did I get this "Reviews Round X" and no other in my feed?
Nothing here this week that's really caught my interest, but I'll say that I... kinda like it with just two reviewers per story. The reviews are always entertaining, no matter who does them every round, but reading through the post was just a lot breezier this time while usually it feels like it takes a while and I have to set aside time for it in a normally busy day. It's nice.
1640327
An interesting idea. We shall certainly give it some thought.
taking into account the weather, the upcoming review #, and important locations to travel to via anime logic... I'd say you are going to hold the next review from a bathhouse.
I can't believe it! I look at these reviews all the time, but I honestly never expected one of my stories to make it here!mashable.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Jeremy-Renner.gif
These are actually the first full critiques I've ever received, so I'd like to thank both of you guys for the feedback!
It's good to know I'm doing something kinda right somehow!