Site Post » Reviews Round 17 - April Fools · 4:41am Apr 1st, 2013
Greetings to all my loyal readers! I’m taking a break from my regular update schedule to share—
Yes, my schedule. Stop laughing.
I decided to toss in a little bonus review episode here! Rather than my usual format of “three stories reviewed by three sock-accounts each”, I’m trying something a little different. Here instead, I’m running with as many accounts as I feel inspired to write, each of them picking a different story and a different reviewing style. I figured this would be something new and interesting for you guys!
Because I write all of these. Me, Wanderer D. I write all the reviews in every round, plus I also write all these intros and outros. I mean, from the comments, you guys clearly already know this, but I just wanted to put it in writing, just so we’re clear. I’m the guy who makes this all happen. Just me. By myself.
Latias is such a sexy Pokemon.
Now you will know the fury of the Queen of Blades!
What can I say about this masterpiece that hasn’t been said already? This is truly one of the greatest works of our time, nay, of all time. Not only has Names crafted one of the most beautifully written and evocative pieces of literature I have ever seen, he has also managed to make the first successful Starcraft crossover.
They scoffed when he said he would make Trixie the Broodmother of the Hivemind. They doubted him when he said he would wring rivers tears from his captive readers when Trixie’s final blow fell, killing Raynor. They laughed when he said Trixie would become more powerful than Kerrigan could ever hope to be. They couldn’t believe when he finally did it. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Starcraft crossover fic you’ve been waiting for. This is art. This is The Great and Powerful Broodmare, and this is only the beginning.
It all starts when Trixie and Kerrigan swap places due to a misfired spell cast by Twilight and Zeratul simultaneously, sending each party to the other’s homeworld. As Kerrigan tries to get used to her new surroundings, and without any Zerg to control, the story quickly moves to the meat of the fic, Trixie.
Landing on Zerus, and after nearly being killed by a pack of roaming Roaches, Trixie discovers her true calling: leading the Swarm. After a quick dip in the spawning pool, Abathur transmogrifies Trixie into her Broodmare form where she gains +5 attack against armor and +3 speed on creep. Reveling in her new powers, Trixie quickly realizes that she can mind control the entire Swarm with just a simple thought. With all the power of a ravenous horde at her tentacletips, Trixie begins her conquest against the Dominion in an effort to discover a way back to Equestria so that she may finally defeat Twilight Sparkle with the help of her 3/3 Ultras.
Unfortunately, this is when she has a run-in with Jim Raynor, lackey to the Terran Dominion. Luckily, she retained some of her magic skills from when she was a mere unicorn and is able to dazzle him with a flashy display of fireworks and fiddlydoos. Enraptured by her, Raynor quickly agrees to join Trixie in her quest, but unbeknownst to him, he’s being double mind-controlled by Arcturus Mengsk who spends his days hiding in his impenetrable fortress on Korhal. With this unwitting treachery underfoot, Trixie and Raynor begin their bloody conquest, blasting away thousands of worlds and billions of helpless people. Among the casualties are the Crown Prince Valerian Mengsk, son to Arcturus, and a lowly SCV who was transferred to his third a little too early.
Enraged by the death of his son, Arcturus sets his nefarious plan in motion. Just as Trixie and Raynor are about to consummate their love, Raynor’s mind-control device kicks in and he throws Trixie off. One long and sexy battle later, Trixie is forced to kill the only man she ever loved. Readers, dear readers, I feel no shame in telling you that tears spilled from my eye-holes that day with all the ferocity of category five hurricane. Alas, the bloodshed didn’t stop there. Hell hath no fury like a horse scorned.
Gathering up her Swarm and loading them onto the Leviathan (after getting ventral sacs), Trixie calls upon her Broodmothers to rise up against the Terran tyrants and fight for their Queen. Chapter upon chapter of ruthless battles take place as Trixie makes her way to Korhal, carving a path of utter decimation across the Xel’Naga Caverns and other maps.
Upon reaching the fortress planet of Korhal, Trixie delivers an ultimatum: Mengsk must deliver himself to Trixie for summary execution, or face the destruction of his beloved planet. As expected, Mengsk takes the cowardly way out and decides to defend the planet to the bitter end, sacrificing every overpowered Terran unit if he must. Little does he know that Trixie had already planned for that eventuality and ordered her Broodmothers to begin the attack. Cowering like a tiny baby, Mengsk can only huddle in a corner as Trixie swoops across the room to seize him in her tentacles. Then, in one of the most bone-chilling lines of dialogue in the history of dialogue, she delivers this line to him with a smirk on her face and Mengsk’s heart in her grasp.
“GG”
Just as the tears flowed before, spasms of sheer awesomeness struck me as soon as I read that line. I convulsed for what felt like years, simply reveling in the perfection that is The Great and Powerful Broodmare. Never had I felt so enlightened by ponyfic, never had I had my world so thoroughly rocked by a piece of literature. Truly, Names is an author worth envying. He forges his stories with the hammer of Thor and the anvil of Hephaestus, toiling away until they reach that ultimate perfection from which there can be no further improvement.
Let it be known that no one need write Starcraft crossovers anymore. This has perfected it so completely, that from now, until the end of time, none will live up to the precedent set by The Great and Powerful Broodmare. None.
Friends, this is a fic worth your time...
Prior to Reading - Verily! So for my review, I wasn’t actually sure what to read! I’ve really been busy the last several weeks, so getting invited to do this special round for the Angels kinda caught me off-guard. Luckily, Alex is a total bro. He suggested that for my review, I should cover Romance Reports. I actually don’t know much about that one. I mean, I’ve heard of it—I guess it was this really popular Twiluna shipfic from a few years back? I told Alex that I wasn’t sure if I’d really like it (since if I haven’t made it obvious yet, by the fact that I harp on this every single round I’m up, but Twilestia is Bestia 
) but when I told him this he just started laughing maniacally and told me this fic would “broaden my horizons,” complete with air-quotes. And I suppose he’s right! I mean, it’s still a princess ship, so I suppose I ought to give it a fair chance, no? Snuggling with Tia, snuggling with Woona, it’s all good.
Anyway, since I’m a little crunched for time, and since this method is easier for me to write, I figure I’d live blog it! My thoughts as I have them, chapter by chapter. Experimenting with a new format, as it were! I told Alex I was going to experiment with new things, and he started giggling again... Guess that’s a good sign?
Chapter 1 - Hmm, the choice of present tense is uncommon—especially that early in the fandom I wager—but so far it seems to really help keep the reader in the mood, in Twilight’s head. On that topic, I’m also liking the interjected freeform thoughts. Together with some light imagery and very-smoothly-flowing dialogue, I admit it’s all pretty intoxicating in just the first chapter. I can see why this was so well-received.
...wait a sec.
Chapter 2 - Okay, nevermind, all good. Looks like we’re back into light ‘n’ fluffy territory. Delightful day of running the library, and—
Ew ew ew EW EW. CELESTIADAMMIT ALEX. Gross gross gross. I didn’t know this was a... No, stop, Twilight is a nice pony and nice ponies don’t touch... Poni should not poni poni. I cannot believe that the author would do this to Twi.
Well, ha ha. 
You tricked me into reading clop. Grats. Ctrl-W.
Chapter 4 - Well, I mean, last chapter had some nice feel-good light shipping. This chapter is opening up with a discussion of stereotyping and racism, oddly enough, then a bit of reminiscing about soulmates and destiny of a sort. Ch2 was probably just a fluke, and the rest of—Really? Really?! Et tu, Rarity? “Just friends”, my foot; friends do not do those kind of shenanigans with one another! Yeah, I can see where this is going, and I’ll have no part in it. Ctrl-W.
Chapter 6 - Wow, really, Twi? Applejack is livid at you, and I can’t blame her! I guess you get a free pass of sorts for still being new to relationships, but good gravy, you goofed this up bad. You had better apologize and make things better, or else... Ctrl-W.
Chapter 8 - Completely unacceptable. Dash and Rarity completely took advantage of each others’ feelings, turning an otherwise special moment into something bitter and full of regret. I expected more sincerity out of both their characters, especially at such a vulnerable moment. Ctrl-W.
Chapter 11 - No. No no no. Twilight progressed so far, so many peaks and valleys, and in the end it comes to this? No. Absolutely not. I cannot believe that the author would do this to Twi. What a tremendous trolling. Ctrl-W.
Chapter 15 - Whaaaat, c’mon, no! After a huge epiphany like that, and you... but she finally realized and... that’s too cruel! Come on, Twi just has to get Cheerilee. She just has to! 
My poor heart can’t take this. Ctrl-W.
Chapter 17 - Wonderful. That closing letter was simply beautiful.
After Reading - Clop is gross. These are cartoon ponies, for chrissake. What is wrong with you? Poni should not poni poni. 0/10, would not recommend.
...alternate ending? 
So there is this story about a pony that has a horn who has a dream about another pony that has wings and does not know why she had the dream about her but then because she is teaching her little sister who also has a horn how to use magic and startles her while she is doing the magic she ends up being saved again by the pony that has wings but hurts one of her wings because she decides to kiss her and then they have to find a way back to where they live because of where they kissed and got the pony that has wings’ wing hurt and to their dismay is a very long walk but it is okay because this is the kind of story that is easy to enjoy because it is filled with character humor that is realistic does its job and leaves and never gets in the way or is there only to force the reader to laugh by saying haha this is funny you should laugh now because I said so so I recommend looking at this story about a pony that has a horn who kisses another pony that has wings on your internet machine because the story itself becomes a lot more as it unfolds and stuff and things about the relationship between the pony that has a horn and the pony that has wings that she kissed despite the fact that some sentences are a lot longer than they should be.
Seriously, if you’re not watching this guy... why not?
This is his first fic ever, and it has to be the most original, most amazing, most breathtaking premise for a fic ever. You ready for this? Might want to sit down. The sheer brilliance may be too much for you to handle.
Ready? Okay, brace yourselves.
This is the story of how Princess Luna became Nightmare Moon.
I know, right? I’m surprised I didn’t think of it, too, but there you go. I have not seen a more inspired premise since that time I read the story about the OC instantly becoming best friends with one of the Mane Six. And if you don’t know exactly which fic I’m talking about, you need to get off your rock farm once in a while.
Not only is the premise absolutely stunning, but Luna’s portrayal is completely unlike any Luna that has ever existed ever. You might want to take a minute to compose yourself before reading on, because if the premise sent you reeling, this one may make you feel like you’ve reached nirvana. In fact, it definitely will.
Ready?
She’s jealous of her sister because nopony stays awake at night and torn between her lust for recognition and the weight of her duty to protect the ponies around her.
If your brain somehow didn’t explode after that stunning revelation, you’re probably wondering how such an awesome concept ever never occurred to you or anyone else. Seriously, if this is how this guy’s first fic goes, we may have just discovered the greatest fanfic writer ever to roam the multiverse. One has to wonder why this hasn’t been permanently featured on every fanfic site ever created by anything.
Oh, and there’s some OC’s and a magic McGuffin or something in there somewhere. But whatever.
We’re not actually sorry.
Proper reviews will be up later this week.
Haha, I never read these.
LOL! THey're all clopfics. Nice.
Oh you
.
Seems legit...
I thought the reviews were supposed to be for relatively unknown stories that deserved so much more than they had gathered on their own...
And instead, I get these. With the exception of the last, all of these have been popularized through some means, typically excess time in the featured box. And even if done in a joking manner, you're promoting them even more.
I used to follow these to find secret, amazing stories that I'd never find otherwise...
I trusted you guys...
EDIT: Not taking it back, but man, now I want to downvote myself for having this opinion. Man I'm twisted >_>
I feel like they were all tasked with picking something random and writing a review that sounded silly. Romance reports was awesome, so I agree with that one(BUT SPOILERS MAN, SPOILERS!). Aside from that, hadn't read any of those. GABBM is porn, right?
also, I love how everyone celebrates my birthday so much! I love you guys too!
963849
third time isn't. And if you call romance reports a "clopfic" I will rape you with your own pen. It's masterfully done, and the sex scenes ACCENT the story, instead of detracting from it. Clopfics are defined by being just for the clop. Seriously, go read it now.
I think wanderer D is trying to brake up.
I understood the third one... it's the only one out of those that I read.
lol I indeed was expecting the influx of April Fools' stuff.
Btw Romance Reports is awesome if you see beyond the clop.
Corejo should of written more than a single sentence. That barely told me anything about the story. Now go make two more sentences at least after your first to make a proper paragraph!
Alexmagnet loves tentacle poni poni poni action? More likely than you think.
Finally some truly impartial reviews. Not like the usual ones laced with either pandering or bias.
All seem incredibly wonderful except for that 2nd one. Bromance Rapport was it? Terrible. Living creatures. PONIES. Who are GIRLS nonetheless, having... sex. But thank goodness my gold account allows me the burden of deleting one fic from the site per month, that problem will be soon resolved.
It's true. We're all Wanderer D.
Ultras become 3/5 if you upgrade Chitinous Plating. Trixie has to get her
together.
Censorship. Censorship everywhere.
Also, you forgot to frontpage it, though that might've been intentional
If not, then go home D ur drunk.
964058 What gold account? This one?
I realize that today might not be the best day for serious questions, but how do you choose what stories you review?
964151
Yeah, I suppose this is a good time to admit this...
I'm Wanderer D too, and so are all the accounts that are following me and favourite my stories and upvote them and comment on my blogs. Look, here is irrefutable proof:
I own a katana,
and 
are the best pones, down with human in Equestria fics, rawr.
I guess just wanted to feel popular. Oh, and in case anyone appears to deny this, that's just because I like to make my sockpuppet accounts argue.
Dagnabit, C Squared Oh Eight, you beat me to the obvious joke and then I'd already typed the above out. Happy April 1st
Hey, alex, you misspelled your story's title.
965890
964197
The Great and Powerful Trixie doesn't need Chitinous Plating to defeat that fool Twilight Sparkle. All she needs are a few Vipers with Blinding Cloud, and perhaps some Infestors...
967730
I think you mean Wanderer D misspelled the name, y'know, since D writes all of these.
Wanderer D is Trollestia's protege, at least right this minute.
Happy April 1st, gang.
Let's see, we have an April 1st review round featuring four popular stories instead of three underviewed ones, Pav slowly going insane as he reads a clopfic, Alex swooning over Trixie, and Corejo's review of Third Time's a Charm giving us the least readable review in this round, partly because it's a very long run-on sentence, but mainly because of a possible minor case of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (I get the point he's trying to make, but I think he's exaggerating a tiny bit). Yup, looks like just another ordinary day for Seattle's Angels.
Wait... Round 17? Does that mean that the unlucky 13 bullshit is negated by the April Fools' bullshit from here on out? YES! I can finally stop bitching about that now!
970189
You forgot
WandererScribble reviewing his own story.970283
I feel stupid for not knowing that...
970283 Oh, how about that? I probably would've noticed that sooner, but the links to both Scribble's page and his story are giving me error messages every time I click them. Okay, so Scribblestick is self-promoting. Like I was saying, just another ordinary day for Seattle's Angels.
http://www.gizoogle.net/tranzizzle.php?search=www.fimfiction.net%2Fblog%2F148097%2Freviews-round-17&se=Go+Git+Dis+Shiznit
971842
Yo, that be summa the dopest shit I ever saw.
Easily the funniest thing I've seen all week that should not have been as hilarious as it was.
Oh god, the starcraft jokes, can't breathe
970189
God.
Dammit.
You win this round.
971842
Great, now the machines are here to put us out of our jobs
I mean, to stomp all the hellz on our turf like we ain't propa ganstas, ya feelin me? Verily dawwwwg!
Reading your description of the Great and Powerful Broodmare made me want to write this story. Such a convoluted and impressive synopsys !
974172 Right... so when's the next round (of serious reviews)? The end of this post said they'd be up later in the week, which tells me that things are still being stalled.
985253
It's mostly assembled at this point. Should be ready by like Wednesday or so.
Disclaimer: Due to relativity, Wednesday's arrival may be perceived differently on a user-by-user basis.
990587 That's good to know. And thanks to this April Fools' edition, no one will ever know that it took you three whole weeks to get this round up. Personally, I blame Nicknack.
...
Though I am wondering how you in particular would react to HamGravy's Tarnished Silver series. Fair warning: it has sexual abuse of foals, a secret society dedicated to abusing foals, a less than benevolent Celestia (not so much tyrannical as neglectful), and some pretty deep story and characters. Judging solely based on your April Fools' reaction to Romance Reports, this is a blue screen of death your mind may not recover from.
Hahahaha. Well played, guys. I almost thought you guys just went mad until halfway through that Great and Bountiful Broodmare shit, when I realized that none of that shit actually happened. In hindsight, I probably should've realized that you guys were joking when you started praising it, but eh.