A normal, everday human male who frowns upon girly things like MLP finds himself in Equestria...
Josh Schwartz is a normal human with a normal life. He has his computer, his TV, his pet cat, his love of sports, the works. Naturally, he doesn't approve or enjoy girly things that are obviously made for girls. However, when a mysterious and unexplainable series of events takes place, he finds himself in Equestria, a world with no humans and only ponies...well, mostly ponies. How will this sarcastic human boy adapt to this new world? And how will its residents take to their new visitor?
“Oh, dear God and Jesus in heaven, why are you torturing me like this?”
Josh growled and kicked his television set, trying to get some other channel besides the Animal Planet channel, but due to the recent problems with the electricity, the TV was stuck on Animal Planet and, if the boy wanted to watch anything, he’d have to stick with it. He sighed and ran a hand through his sleek black hair; he was missing the Eagles game, for crying out loud! Stupid electricity; he would be giving the electric company a good talking to awhile later.
“Whatever happened to the electric company bringing us the power?” Josh snapped, sitting down in his computer chair as he watched some horses galloping on his big-screen TV, “Oh, gag me; I tell ya, Chichi, why the hell would I care about stupid horses and what they do in the wild or on someone’s farm? Seriously, who the hell cares?” The human boy grumbled as he stroked his female pet tabby cat, who was busy laying on his computer keyboard and ignoring his frequent requests to remove herself from it.
Josh Schwartz lived a somewhat normal life on the planet Earth. He was 20 years old, but he typically acted and looked more like a 13-year-old instead. He lived with his pessimistic mother, along with her abusive boyfriend, his three poodles, and his loving pet cat, Chichi. The boy was intelligent and enjoyed watching and playing a variety of sports, and he also enjoyed writing stories, playing video games, singing and dancing to music, and surfing the internet on his computer.
Being forced to watch the Animal Planet’s session on horses was torturous to Josh, not to mention so incredibly boring. He wasn’t a girl; he hated horses. They were use girly creatures, not to mention very boring and ugly animals, too. However, no matter what it was, it was still television, and Josh just couldn’t go one minute without his precious TV. He wasn’t the typical homebody, though; he only weighed 150 pounds and he was bonier than most nerds.
Suddenly, blinking on the horse session on the TV, a bright rainbow appeared in the sky and seemed to come shining right out of the screen. Grumbling and shielding his eyes, Josh wondered how in the world he had suddenly gotten 3D without paying for it, and he reached for the remote to flick the TV off. However, the rainbow only shone brighter, making Josh gasp and feel himself getting dizzy and faint. Then, in the next moment, he blacked out.
As weird as that stupid bright rainbow that had suddenly appeared on Animal Planet was, the fall was even weirder. Josh had apparently fallen out of his seat that had been in front of his precious television set, but it was taking forever to hit the floor. The dazed human couldn’t see any more of his cat’s room, either (his cat owned her own room, which is where his big screen TV was); he seemed to be enveloped within the shiny rainbow. Then, just like that, he hit down hard; face-down onto some kind of hard surface. Double ouch.
The arrogant, sarcastic boy wasn’t used to physical contact, since his mother never let him play football, like he had wanted. The most he ever fell was off the trampoline in his backyard, and even then he always landed on his feet. This was all new to the boy. Not only did he have the wind knocked out of him, but he got dirt on his face and eyes, which instantly made him mad; he may be a male, but he really did hate to get dirty. Oh, and the fact that he had been blinded by the rainbow had made stars dance in front of dirt-filled eyelids, too.
Thankfully, Josh’s ears were still working to perfection, and as he laid there moaning softly into the mushy ground, he could hear whispering voices nearby. Good, he thought; my mother probably freaked out when she saw me have a seizure and instantly called in the paramedics. However, as he listened closely, he realized that these weren’t normal voices at all.
“What…is it?” came one small voice from somewhere near Josh’s head.
“Where do you think it came from?” came another.
“Do you think…it’s dangerous?”
“It doesn’t seem like it is, but one can never be too sure; stay back, for now.”
“Don’t worry, girls, I can handle it if it tries anything!” That arrogant-sounding voice sounded slightly more masculine than the other voices, indicating that it could possibly belong to someone more mature to help with the situation.
“Perhaps, but what IS it? Do you suppose it’s some kind of monkey?” a prissy-sounding voice declared, “Whatever it is, it’s pretty ugly, don’t you think?”
Never one to be insulted, Josh growled and tried to clear the dizzies from his head as he struggled to get up to a sitting position. He shook his head violently a few times as he pushed himself up a few inches from the ground, the sound of scurrying filling his ears as the group surrounding him obviously started to back away upon seeing the boy start moving. Ready to yell at whoever was nearest him, just out of pure irritation, the boy peeked up at long last, but discovered that his vision was still hazy. It was probably due to the after-effects of the rainbow, not to mention he still had some dirt in his eyes.
“Careful, everypony; we don’t know what it can do!”
“Well, whatever it is, it certainly ruined a perfectly good picnic!” a voice with a southern accent added with an annoyed tone, “And who had the nerve to spill apple juice all over my apple pie?”
“Sorry, Applejack, that was my fault; I was just so started by this…creature…that came crashing down!”
Josh never did like listening to other people talk; he preferred to be the center of attention. Having had enough of this nonsense, he hit his own head a few times and rubbed his eyes with his hands as he got some of the dirt out. Slowly, his vision started to return to him.
“Stupid nonsense…what in the world happened?” he snapped, still rubbing his eyes a bit more “Where am I? If I’m in the hospital, please let me go; I’m NOT being charged for this! I don’t get hurt that often. Stupid TV was defective; I’m so suing the electric company for this.”
“It talks!”
Sighing in irritation, Josh tried to cool his temper, since he wasn’t getting any real answers to the current situation. At the moment, no matter how badly he tried scrubbing his eyes, he couldn’t get some specs of dirt and grass out of them, so that was first on the agenda of things to get out of the way.
“Hey, can someone please get me some water or something?” Josh muttered, “I have some dirt in my eyes and I can’t see a thing!”
“Water? Quick, somepony get some water!” As Josh blinked like crazy and hissed at the stinging in his eyes, there was some more shuffling around. He hoped they would hurry; he really hated having his eyes slighted in any way whatsoever. “Here you go; a cup of water.”
Instantly, Josh nodded and found a small cup thrust into his left hand. Instantly, he lifted his head up to the sky and forced his left eye open. He poured some water into it, then did the same thing to his right eye. He blinked several dozen more times, then smiled when the dirt was finally cleaned out and he could finally see. Giving a sigh of relief, he drank down the rest of the water and tossed the cup aside before finally turning to see just who was surrounding him.
Ponies. The stunned human boy was sitting in the middle of a herd of ponies, or at least they LOOKED like ponies. They certainly weren’t out of that stupid show that he had been watching just minutes ago. These ones were in vivid and blinding colors, not to mention some had wings and horns. What in the world was going on? Had he hit his head too hard and was now in some kind of strange coma? Yeah, that had to be it, the boy thought to himself. He was having some kinda cartoon dream or something, and he certainly didn’t like it. He felt like he was in a girly atmosphere.
“Uh, hello, anyone out here?” Josh called out, trying to look over the heads of the ponies, “Someone who maybe owns all these weird ponies? I kinda need some assistance here, since I’m no longer in my room and that kinda upsets me. Hello, anybody?”
“Well, how do ya like that!” the southern voice said again, “Of all the nerve; talkin’ like we ain’t even here, and thinkin’ that we actually BELONG to somepony? Can ya believe this character?”
“If I could see you, I’d talk directly to your face, you idiot!” Josh snapped, growling and looking towards the sound of the voice, “Why don’t you stop hiding and get your butt over here and…huh?” The boy turned his head towards the sound of the voice and found himself staring into the face of a light orange pony, who was wearing a cowboy hat on her head. Her glaring green eyes bored into the glistening green eyes of the human in front of her.
“Care to repeat that?”
“E-e-e-excuse me?” Josh gasped, backing up in horror and looking scared.
“Sayin’ that you’re sorry might make for a better apology, ya know,” the pony answered.
“You…you…you talk!”
“Uh…yeah, I do; ever since I was three months old, as a matter of fact!” the orange pony snorted. Turning to what seemed to be a unicorn next to her, the orange pony held up one of her front legs to her mouth and slightly whispered to her. “Ya sure it’s not all that dangerous? It doesn’t really seem to be…all there…if ya get what I’m sayin’.”
“Well, it DID have quite a nasty fall, Applejack,” the unicorn whispered back, “Perhaps it’s hurt!”
“Um…maybe it would be better off going back to where it came from?” another pony said softly. This pony was yellow with a pretty pink mane…not to mention wings. Josh shivered as he stared at all the different ponies surrounding him. He pinched himself to try and wake himself from this dream, but all it did was make his arm hurt. This was no dream; it was really happening.
“Aww, I think it’s really cute!” giggled a very tiny filly unicorn with a pretty white coat and stylish purple mane, “Can we keep it? Huh, can we keep it?”
“I don’t think so, Sweetie Belle; your big sister wouldn’t want something that dirty in her house, for one. For two, we don’t know anything about it.”
“Nice, thank you for thinking I’m a stray dog,” Josh growled, crossing his arms and growing more irritated by the minute. Strange situation or not, he wasn’t gonna continue putting up with being insulted, especially by a girly group of ponies that were making him feel less and less of a male just being around them. Despite still being dizzy, he forced himself up to his feet, using the nearby tree to steady himself as he did so. When all 5’11’’ of him was standing up, he took a deep breath and stared down all the ponies around him.
“Okay, let’s try to talk about this,” Josh said slowly, “Even if I’m in a dream, which I doubt I am, I like knowing what’s going on. So…where the heck am I? How in the world did I get here? And just what the heck are you weird-looking ponies anyway?”
“Who’s callin’ WHO weird-lookin’ now?” the cowboy hat-wearing pony snapped, lowering her head and looking like she was about to charge.
“Now, now, calm down, Applejack,” the purple unicorn next to her spoke up, “I’m sure that it just doesn’t know what it’s doing here, that’s all. Okay…whoever you are…I’m sure this is just some kind of weird mix-up, but I’m sure it’ll be resolved soon. I’m Twilight Sparkle, and these are my friends. You are in Ponyville Park.”
“Yeah, that’s right, so don’t you go trying anything!” the same masculine voice said. Glancing to his right, Josh peered down to his feet. Instead of a talking pony, there was a green and purple…thing. It was somewhat chunky, and looked reptilian.
“Oh, nice, let’s add more fun to this wonderland,” Josh said sarcastically, “First talking horses, and now we have…uh…a talking lizard.”
“Lizard? LIZARD!” The male creature snarled, completely enraged. It stomped in front of Josh and glared right up into his face, his tiny fists clenched and rather pointy teeth showing. “I…am…a…DRAGON! I’M A DRAGON, GOT IT? NOT…A…LIZARD! A DRAGON!” He poked Josh’s exposed kneecap with one of his clawed fingers. Since Josh always wore shorts, he had nothing to protect himself, and couldn’t help but wince in pain as the simple poke nearly caused a deep cut on his knee.
“Geez, sorry!” Josh muttered, quickly moving backwards and backing into a tree, “I just thought that dragons were more…well, big and scary…not small and babyish.”
“SMALL AND BABYISH?!?!” the baby dragon roared, baring his teeth and rushing at Josh, “I’LL SHOW YOU WHO’S SMALL AND BABYISH!” Thankfully before the foolish human could get into a fight with a dragon, baby or not, Twilight quickly pulled him away.
“No, Spike, no fighting!” Twilight scolded.
“But he called me a baby!” the dragon, apparently called Spike, whined, “And he called me small, too!”
“I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that, Spike,” Twilight said, letting him go and giving him a little glare, “Now, behave yourself.”
“I don’t think Spike is the one who has to learn how to behave himself,” the southern-speaking pony, apparently named Applejack, muttered. She was glaring over at Josh while saying it.
“Okay, let’s just start with an easy question,” Twilight said, looking back up at Josh, “Where do you come from?” She seemed to be the leader of the group, and since Josh often declared himself as a leader, he felt most comfortable speaking with her.
“I’m from Montana, the greatest state in North America!” Josh said proudly, patting his chest. When all he got was blank stares and confused expression back from the small crowd, he tried again. “Uh…you know, from the third planet in the milky way galaxy…Earth?”
“Um…let’s just try another question…who are you?”
“And WHAT are you?” Spike added in.
“Your worst nightmare if you keep up that tone with me, dragon boy,” Josh growled, but after seeing some of the looks he was getting from the ponies, he quickly moved on, “Uh, well, my name is the great and amazing Joshua Michael Schwartz! I’m a human.”
“…you’re not related to a unicorn named Trixie, are you?” Twilight asked, raising her eyebrow.
“Uh, no, I’m not related to any ponies…or dragons…or anything that isn’t a human. And, let me guess, there’s no humans in this world of yours?”
“Hu…man?” Spike mouthed, looking like he was trying to talk with moldy food in his mouth.
“Yes, I’m a human…the same number of syllables that the word ‘dragon’ and ‘pony’ have in them,” Josh grumbled, feeling even more slighted.
“To be honest, I have never heard of your species before,” Twilight said, frowning in annoyance, as though she wasn’t pleased with such information, “I’m gonna have to do some research on this matter. In the meantime, can you please give us your word that you won’t bring any harm to any of us or to our world of Equestria?”
“Yeah, we already had enough fuss involvin’ a crazy kook named Discord and we don’t need any more!” Applejack muttered. “Oh, believe me, I’m just waiting for the perfect opportunity when you ponies let your guards down and I take over your world,” Josh said sarcastically. Back on Earth, Josh was well-known for being a sarcastic, arrogant, teasing boy. However, when it came to the new world, they weren’t yet accustomed to his common antics. Almost as soon as Josh was done talking, all the ponies (and Spike) looked very angry and started to get into battle stances.
“Ya darn-well better have been kiddin’, Joshy boy, or else there’s gonna be some human-beatin’ in a few seconds,” Applejack growled, pawing on the ground like a bull does before it stampedes.
“W-w-what? Of course I was just kidding!” Josh gulped, “Can’t you take a joke? I’m always kidding around and being a tease; please, don’t take me seriously!” Even though this made everyone relax, they still didn’t trust this human very much after what he just said; Josh always was bad at first impressions.
“Well, whatever, let’s get back to our picnic!” a cheerful voice from a very pink pony cried out a moment later, “C’mon, everypony, before the mean old ants get the food!” Josh stared at her and just wanted to puke. He hated the color pink just as much as he hated the color red, and just seeing the annoying pony made him want to slash his wrists and get out of that girly world even quicker than before. Shockingly, no one else seemed to mind the pink pony at all, and they all cheered and started to rush back towards the picnic area. Only Applejack remained behind with Josh.
“Allow me to formally introduce myself,” she said, grinning and tipping her hat, “Howdy, I’m Applejack. Look, we kinda got off on the wrong hoof…since you ARE a bit strange…but, let’s start over, shall we? How would ya like an apple pie?”
“You CAN’T be serious!” Josh moaned, slapping his forehead with his palm, “Do you even know how crazy my mother is? She forces me to eat an apple every single day! Can’t you just bring me some nice apple juice instead, please?” Upon hearing this, Applejack laughed and couldn’t help covering up her face in amusement.
“Well, ain’t that a coincidence!” she chuckled, “I specialize in apples, Joshy boy! While yer here, I’ll make sure ya get yer fill of apples! But, first, I’ll get ya some apple juice.” She grinned at the annoyed boy and turned around, trotting off towards the picnic area and leaving Josh moaning and rubbing his forehead in both irritation and confusion.
“Okay…so, let’s go over the possibilities,” Josh muttered, leaning back against the tree and closing his eyes, “One…I hit my head after that rainbow on the TV blinded me and I’m now in a medical coma and they have me on some kinda kooky medicine that’s making me have crazy dreams. Two…that rainbow from the TV somehow teleported me to this new, creepy, girly world, and I’m stuck here until I find a way back home. Three…I have gone mentally insane, even though I have never touched a single drug or pint of alcohol in my life. Hmm…wow, these are tough choices…”
Rubbing his throbbing forehead, the boy muttered and tried to get the sounds of laughter out of his ears and try to focus on himself, as he always did. All that mattered to him was getting back home and leaving this girly place as soon as possible. The longer he stayed, the more un-masculine he would become, and he had already been bullied enough during his life; he didn’t need to be teased about being even more girly. For now, he relished in the fact that he would be getting some apple juice; it WAS his favorite drink, after all.
Josh sighed and continued to rub his forehead, grumbling about the migraine he still had. A few minutes later, however, he heard soft trotting and he reopened his eyes to find Applejack heading towards him. She had a tray gently clenched in her teeth, which contained a glass of apple juice balanced perfectly in the middle. The human was highly surprised that a pony could perform such a trick without having it spill or drop, since he considered most animals to be pretty stupid. Even though he personally didn’t like them, there was also a slice of apple pie on the tray, too. When she got close enough, Josh reached out and gently pulled the tray away.
“Thank you very much, AJ,” Josh said, already calling her by a nickname, since he liked using random nicknames on people, even if he just met them. He took a sip of the apple juice and sighed happily; it tasted so fresh and so delicious. The boy was an expert on apple juice, so he knew the good from the bad. Not wanting to be rude, he also picked up the slice of apple pie and forced himself to start nibbling around the edges.
“Yer very welcome, sugar cube,” Applejack smiled, sitting down on her haunches while watching Josh recuperate, “While ya enjoy yerself, allow me to explain what happened from our point of view, alright? See, we were just settin’ up a nice picnic here, since it’s a good day and all. The fillies were runnin’ ‘round and playin’, we were talkin’ to each other, nothin’ much out of the ordinary besides all that. Then, suddenly, there was this sizzlin’ sound and down ya came! Bam! Just like that! It was a bit startlin’, ya know?” She pointed with her right foreleg to the area of grass that had Josh’s body shape to indicate where he had come down.
Josh studied his landing spot, sarcastically admiring it and glancing back down at his body, as though he had just made a handprint back in some cement square in Hollywood. Still, he was pretty thankful he hadn’t landed on something much harder or much pointier than that. Plus, as the human boy watched three little fillies giggling and running around his landing spot, he was also relieved that he hadn’t landed on any of the ponies. Annoying and creepy as they were, he never did like hurting anybody.
“At least the grass broke my fall and not one of you ponies,” Josh said, running a hand through his black hair and expelling a few blades of grass and crumbs of dirt.
“Yea, there’s that alright,” the orange pony agreed, “That certainly would’ve spoiled the day if that had happened! Guess ya picked a good spot to land!”
“A bed wouldn’t been nicer,” Josh grumbled, but since he didn’t want to annoy the pony, he tried to be a little bit nicer, especially since she was a female, “Um, anyway…allow me to formally introduce myself, like you already did. I’m Josh...well, my full name is Joshua Schwartz, but I just go by Josh…even though I’ve been given a bunch of stupid nicknames during my school days.” He held out his hand to greet the pony formally, giving the girl a little smile.
“Uh…well, it’s a pleasure to make yer acquaintance, Joshy boy, but…” Applejack said, lifting an eyebrow up curiously as he looked at his extended hand. Hesitantly, she lifted up her right foreleg, and Josh felt a bit foolish as he realized what he was really trying to do.
“Sorry, never tried to shake hands…uh, or hooves…with a horse or a pony before,” Josh explained, “I’m used to doing it with other people. But, see, this is how we greet each other.” While feeling slightly nervous about doing this, the boy reached out and gently grasped the tip of Applejack’s hoof on her right foreleg. He gave it a gentle shake up and down, then released it. The orange cowgirl seemed very intrigued by this display.
“Ah, I see! A hoof touch! How nice.”
The fillies how had been running around stopped their own little game and were watching the human and orange pony with extreme interest. After a moment, they giggled and started to try their own version of a human handshake, which consisted of them rearing up, touching both front hooves, and trying to do the same up and down movement without losing their balance. They would always fail, though, and would end up falling back onto the grass and laughing their little heads off. Josh nearly got a migraine while watching them; he really didn’t like kids at all. He found them annoying, stupid, and beyond a doubt migraine-inducing.
“What in the world are you teaching those fillies?” Twilight asked, trotting back over a moment later after observing the younger ponies.
“I never know WHAT kids are doing,” Josh muttered, “But, if I had to fathom a guess, I’d say that they were trying to do a handshake, which is pretty much impossible when you don’t HAVE hands.”
“A handshake?” the purple unicorn asked, tilting her head in a puzzled way as she looked at Applejack for assistance.
“It’s their way of sayin’ ‘howdy’, like this!” the orange pony said. She turned back to Josh and held out her left foreleg this time. Feeling a bit awkward at using his seldom-used left hand, Josh extended out his arm again and gently shook the pony’s hoof once more. Twilight watched closely, taking it all in.
“Hmm…I see…well, the fillies seem to like it,” Twilight chuckled, “You sure are impressionable on them, Josh. At least it’s keeping them busy; the only one here who could possibly do what you just did is Spike, though. Hey, Spike, can you come over here for a moment, please?” The purple pony had turned around and called for her dragon friend. Since Josh had learned by now that his name was Spike, he watched the purple and green dragon amble over towards the threesome, holding an armful of shiny jewels. As he came up, he popped one into his mouth and started chewing it up.
“Did he just eat a ruby?” Josh gasped, his jaw dropping in complete horror, “Do you even KNOW how much those things are? He just ate a prized ruby!” However, when Twilight and Applejack each gave Josh a puzzled expression, he rolled his eyes and decided to not continue on with the subject; obviously, eating jewels in this world was as common as eating pizza back on his own.
“Yeah, you want something, Twilight?” Spike asked, stopping a bit short from Josh and eying him closely. The human eyed the dragon back, giving him the onceover. To be perfectly honest, Josh’s favorites colors were purple and green, which instantly made him smile as he looked at the dragon. Not to mention that several of his friends on the internet had gotten him to like the beasts more than he used to as well. Still, Josh couldn’t blame the little guy for being hesitant to be near him; he HAD insulted him by calling him a baby lizard.
“Spike, please shake hands with…uh…oh dear,” Twilight sighed, giving an embarrassed look at Josh. The boy frowned, but then patted his chest and grinned brightly a moment later.
“It’s Josh, my dear pony,” he said arrogantly, “Or, you can call me the Schwarzenegger! Or maybe even the ultimate and handsome boy known as Joshua!” When he was met with un-amused, confused, and exasperated expressions from Twilight, Applejack, and Spike, Josh slapped his forehead. “Actually, I suppose we’d best just stick with ‘Josh’, alright?”
“Right…okay, Spike, please shake hands with Josh,” Twilight said, quickly moving on from the awkward moment, which Josh always seemed to cause.
“Uh…shake hands? Why would I want to do that?” Spike asked, still eying Josh like he was some kind of creepy mutant.
“It’s how humans say ‘hello’ to each other,” Twilight explained. As the purple pony explained it, Josh took the initiative and held out his dominant right hand.
“Sorry about earlier, Spike,” he said honestly, “To be honest, I really do like dragons. But, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” Staring at Josh’s hand, the dragon looked back and forth between it and Josh’s smiling face, trying to decide if he should really do this or not.
“Go on, Spike, shake his hand,” Applejack urged. Spike glanced at her, then at Twilight, then eased a little bit closer before slowly putting out his own right hand. Josh looked it, seeing only three fingers, and felt a bit awkward. Regardless, he slowly eased his hand in and grasped the dragon’s own hand, the feeling of his three fingers making the human shiver a bit. He gave the hand a couple of shakes before finally releasing it. As he did, Spike quickly pulled his hand up to his face and stared at it, as though he was checking to make sure Josh hadn’t removed a finger without his knowing.
“That’s…it?”
“Well…yeah, that’s pretty much it; boring, I know, but it’s what we humans do.”
“Humph…whatever,” Spike muttered, tossing a sparkling emerald up into the air and catching it in his mouth. Watching him chew it with ease like ice from a vending machine just irritated Josh; how anyone could just eat such a valuable gemstone was beyond him. However, not wanting to really get the dragon mad at him again, since the little guy DID have much sharper teeth and claws than he did, Josh decided to not voice his opinions on consuming precious gems.
“You know, my favorite colors are purple and green,” Josh said, smiling at Spike and trying to be friendly, “Well, I love yellow and orange as well, but purple has always been number one to me, and green is close behind that.” Somehow, saying this sparked several curious reactions from the two ponies and dragons surrounding Josh.
“Purple is number one to you?” Twilight smiled, swishing her tail around proudly.
“Ya love orange?” Applejack grinned, putting her right hoof over her left in a kind of sly pose.
“Your favorite colors are purple and green?” Spike smirked, stuffing two gemstones at once into his gullet and snacking on them while looking upon the human with a bit of a pleasant expression now.
“Um…yes, to all of the above,” Josh muttered, but since everyone was paying attention to him now, he decided to milk it for all it was worth, “I loved purple from the moment I was old enough to know what colors were; it’s just such a beautiful color that I fell in love with and never lost a passion for.”
“That’s…interesting,” Twilight said, rubbing the back of her head with one of her front hooves and looking slightly embarrassed at that confession.
“And orange is so vibrant…so strong…so amazing!” Josh went on, “I don’t know where I got to love the color, but all that matters is that it’s a wickedly awesome color that I think is cool.”
“Aww, glad to hear it!” Applejack chuckled, although she looked just as embarrassed as Twilight did.
“What about green?” Spike inquired.
“Well, my mother’s favorite color was green, and I wanted to be just like her in most ways, so I grew to love her favorite color, too.”
“That’s so sweet,” Spike said sarcastically, making a soft hacking sound to show that he didn’t mean it.
“Oh, you little wise guy!” Josh growled, but wearing a playful smile, showing he wasn’t exactly mad. Reaching out, he scooped the unimpressed dragon into his arms and held him tightly, yet firmly, to his chest. Then, he made a fist with his right hand and started to give Spike a noogie.
Instantly, the dragon started to yelp and squirm, trying to get out of Josh’s grip, but it was like a poodle trying to escape a weight lifter’s hold. No matter what Spike yelled or did, Josh didn’t let go, and just continued to laugh as he gave the dragon a playful noogie. He wasn’t trying to hurt him or anything; just give him a little payback for his snarky remarks. He wasn’t thinking of what Twilight and Applejack or any other spectators might think of this display, but since they didn’t stop him, he assumed that they didn’t really mind.
“Hey, stop it already!” Spike growled, still squirming and trying to slash Josh’s arm away, but since Josh had cleverly pinned the dragon’s arms at his sides, he couldn’t do a thing, “Ow, this hurts! Stop it! Ouch, my head is hurting! Twilight, Applejack, stop him!”
“Hmm…I believe this is called…giving someone a noogie, right?” Twilight said, ignoring Spike’s pleading and glancing at Applejack, “I read about this kind of playful treatment in one of my books; didn’t you give one to Rainbow Dash one time, Applejack?”
“Yep, sure did!” Applejack chuckled, “She had it comin’, too, fer destroyin’ some of mah apples when she tried makin’ a tornado.”
“You call THIS playful?” Spike screamed, still thrashing hard, “My head is starting to bruise!” Twilight and Applejack both giggled and didn’t do anything to stop Josh, who continued on with his noogie for a few more seconds before finally letting the angry dragon go. “You are SO gonna get it for that!”
“That’s certainly an interestin’ way of teachin’ Spike a lesson,” Applejack chuckled, giving Josh a grin, “Yer quite the naughty one, ain’t ya, Joshy boy?”
“Not always,” Josh shrugged, “It was just an idea that popped into my head. I usually act on a moment’s notice and do things without thinking; it’s why I usually talk off the top of my head, too.”
“Huh? Does that mean you have a mouth on the top of your head?” a young filly gasped, “Can I see? It must be so weird!” Forgetting that all the young fillies had stopped prancing about and had been listening and watching Josh the entire time, the human boy realized he had said the wrong thing.
“Yeah, super weird! Can you eat that way, too?” another filly asked.
“It must be SO messy!”
“Do you eat upside down?”
“Do you drink by sticking your head in a bucket?”
All the fillies crowded around Josh, demanding to see the “extra mouth” on the top of his head. Even though he was highly annoyed and honestly felt like yelling at the fillies to get away from him, Josh knew that doing such a thing would easily invoke the anger of Twilight and Applejack, and possibly even Spike (who, by this point, was just waiting for Josh to do something wrong so that he could get him). So, he forced himself to smile and give a little laugh.
“No, my curious little youngsters, I don’t really have a mouth on the top of my head,” he stated, “It was just an expression. See for yourselves.” At that point, Josh bent his head down and allowed all the fillies to get a good look at his scalp. All that was there was his usual short, black hair and nothing more. Even though the fillies were satisfied with this revealing information, they looked a bit disappointed. It seemed that Josh’s “weird factor” had just gone down. A moment later, as quick as Josh had showed off his ego and his head, the fillies went back to their usual games.
“Ha, sorry about that,” Twilight chuckled, slightly amused after watching the whole scene unfold, “But, at that age…they’ll believe ANYTHING…I wonder if I was ever like that?”
“Oh, believe me, you were!” Spike teased, rubbing the top of his head and smirking at Twilight, “I remember when Princess Celestia went away on vacation and forgot to leave you a letter. I told you a phony story of her finding a new job on the moon and you totally bought it!”
“Thank you for bringing that up, Spike,” Twilight growled, not really looking pleased with the flashback. When Spike started to snicker and look proud of himself, Applejack wrapped one of her front forelegs around his waist and pulled him close to her. With a wicked little grin, the cowgirl began giving the dragon his second noogie in as many tries. While it was a bit different, since she didn’t have hands, it was still just as effective.
“OW! OH, COME ON!” Spike screamed, going back to thrashing and pleading for release.
“Anyway, sorry about the fillies making you do that,” Twilight went on, ignoring Spike and Applejack as she turned back to Josh.
“Eh, don’t worry it, my little pony,” Josh laughed, “Kids are kids, after all. One time, back on my world, this little kid tried to put my head into a windmill because I said that I had a mind like a steel trap!” Despite how deadly that sounded, Twilight couldn’t help but chuckle; it was possible she didn’t even know what he was talking about.
“Well, I’d best not use that expression around them, just in case,” the pony said, “So, are you feeling better, Josh? You can join us at the table, if you want; you can meet the rest of my friends who I haven’t introduced to you yet.”
“Sure, I’ll join you,” Josh shrugged, seeing that Applejack had finished giving Spike his second noogie and had started trotting back towards the table, Spike grumbling and following along behind her with a very sore head. Picking up his tray with his half-eaten piece of apple pie and his empty glass of apple juice, the tall human got to his feet. Instantly, the fillies started to scamper around his long legs.
“How can you walk on two legs like that? Only Spike can do that!”
“Haven’t you fallen while walking like that?”
“Can you hop?”
“Can you also stand on one leg?”
It was hard not to trip over the little fillies as they bounced around in front of and under his legs, making the boy growl and get even more irritated. Thankfully, before he could practice his football moves and punt one of the fillies out of rage, Twilight stepped in to try and shoo the little ponies away.
“Now, stop that, you’re gonna make him fall!” the pony scolded, “Get along, come on, move! Get out of his way! Move, I said!” Unfortunately, she wasn’t making any progress in her attempts to get all the excited fillies to move. Now really struggling to hold his anger inside and not just start kicking the small ponies away from his feet, Josh reached out and snagged the nearest one with his quick reflexes.
“I’ve got you now, you little pest!” he growled at her. Since the small thing hardly weighed more than one of his three poodles back at home, he tucked her under his left arm and was confident that his little outburst and demonstration would stop the rest of them from jumping around him. Not only did it not work, but it just intensified it.
“Oh no, I’m in big trouble!” the little girl under Josh’s arm squealed, giggling insanely as she thought it was just a game, “The big monster’s got me! Somepony, help!”
As it turned out, Josh probably shouldn’t have done that. Thanks to his little stunt, all the ponies thought that he was just playing with them, and soon they ALL wanted to be carried by him. By the time the boy managed to get back to the table, he needed a few more glasses of apple juice.
Finally getting to the picnic table that the ponies had set up for their picnic, Josh was twitching and moaning from having to carry and play with all the bouncing and giggling fillies that had been following him ever so closely. They didn’t weigh much at all, but playing with all of them did take its toll on him, especially since he was very skinny and not that powerful. Regardless, when Josh got to the table, he noticed a little space open on the far left end. Since no one seemed to be object, the boy muttered to himself and nimbly sat down at the edge of the picnic table.
“Okay…I’m sitting at a picnic table…with a bunch of colorful, animated ponies…yep, seems normal enough,” Josh whispered to himself, trying not to draw too much attention to himself as he observed the other ponies who were sitting and talking at the table.
There was Twilight and Applejack, both of whom were talking about something involving magic and apples while they both snacked on, yep, apple pie. There was also the pink and cheerful pony that Josh had seen before, and who had given him an instant migraine just from her creepy smile and her insanity. He noticed a yellow pony with a pink mane and tail who was meekly speaking to a loud and brash blue pony with wings on her sides and what seemed to be a tattoo of a rainbow lightning bolt on her flank. There was also a pretty white pony with an interesting style of hair and tail that Josh found to be quite beautiful. However, he couldn’t help but ogle the rainbow-colored pony instead.
“Uh…she has rainbow-colored hair…and a rainbow-colored tail,” Josh blinked, staring at the pony and looking a bit confused, “Is she a lesbian or something?”
“Huh? Oh…you’re that…uh…person that fell from the sky,” the pony said, turning around and catching Josh eying her, “What are you looking at? I know I’m cool, but is there something on my face?”
“No, nothing really, I just…uh…you’re really cute?” Josh said, before slapping his forehead and looking away, “I’m telling a cartoon pony that she’s cute…am I for real?”
“What…wait, did you…what?” the pony with wings blinked, not really sure what she was hearing, “Uh, Twilight, who’s this guy again?”
“That’s Josh…a human, remember?” Twilight said, turning back and looking at the pony, “Seriously, Rainbow, I just told you how he got here, like, two minutes ago!”
“I know…I just wasn’t really paying attention,” the pony that was apparently called Rainbow laughed.
“Rainbow? That’s her name? Wow…how original,” Josh muttered, about to reach for something on the table, but then thinking better of it and retracting his arm. He still felt somewhat insecure and a bit nervous about touching things that ponies had prepared. Who knows how dirty they were? And who knows if this food was really that safe for a human to eat?
“Joshy boy, what’s wrong?” Applejack asked, looking over at the human and noticing that he was trying not to draw attention to himself and wasn’t touching anything, “Ya don’t have to feel nervous; there’s plenty for ya’ll to snack on.”
“Yes, I can see that, but…um…shouldn’t I introduce myself to the rest of your friends before I partake in anything that you ponies have so gracefully brought today?” Josh grinned, trying to sound suave.
“Is this guy for real?” Rainbow asked, glancing over at Josh and frowning slightly, “He’s kinda…weird.”
“So is colorful talking ponies from where I come from,” Josh spat back, glaring at Rainbow and crossing his arms, “Your move, toots.”
“TOOTS?!?!” Rainbow gasped, stretching her wings and growling, “Oh, it is ON!” Thinking that he was in for a fight, Josh immediately felt nervous and a bit scared. He wasn’t scare of the fact that a little pony with wings and an attitude was mad at him; it was the fact that he would never hit a girl. So, since he would refuse to fight a female, he would be clearly in huge trouble.
“Whoa, wait, I didn’t mean it in a bad…GAH!” Josh yelped, having tried to back up and ended up sprawling backwards off the picnic table and crashing down hard on his backside. The ponies all paused for a moment as they took in what just happened, then they all exploded into laughter.
“Oh…Celestia…that was hilarious!” Rainbow laughed, slapping her hoof down over and over again onto the table as she watched Josh weakly try to sit up.
“Um…he’s okay, right?” the giggling yellow pony said, trying to show concern despite having a good little laugh herself.
“Don’t worry…he crashed down from somewhere up in the sky…I’m sure he’s just fine,” Twilight said, calling over to the human, “Hey, Josh, you’re alright…right?”
“Just peachy, Twilight,” Josh said sarcastically, standing up and cracking his back, “The pain in my back is just an aberration and is sure to go away rather quickly; I’m a fast healer. But YOU…you’re gonna PAY for humiliating me!” Josh angrily pointed at the picnic table seat that he just fell off of.
“Uh…dude…you’re yelling at a picnic table,” Rainbow chuckled, smirking at Josh and now finding him highly amusing.
“Yes…I’m pretty sure that the table isn’t going to say that it’s sorry,” Twilight agreed.
“Well, maybe it will, but you just have to listen hard enough!” the pink pony shouted out, giggling and placing her ear on top of a part of the table from where she was sitting, “Hmm…no, it seems like the table is pretty clammed up from speaking an apology.”
“Well, in that case, it gets THIS!” Josh roared, rearing back his right foot and delivering a hard kick straight into the picnic table seat. Sadly, the wood that it was built out of was actually quite strong, and as soon as Josh’s foot made contact, he yelled out in pain and started bouncing around on one foot while clutching his now-sore foot with both hands. This got the six ponies at the table laughing again.
“Oh, darling, you are quite an interesting creature indeed!” the pretty white pony giggled, putting a hoof over her mouth in a dainty way as she laughed. However, the fun was still not over, as Josh then ended up slipping on a rock and falling down flat on his face on the grass. Naturally, this once more got an eruption of laughter from the six ponies. Soon, they were almost falling out of their seats themselves.
“Hey…dude…you alright?” Rainbow grinned, flapping her wings and flying over to the downed human. She hovered over the top of his head for a moment while he just twiddled his fingers over the ground in an irritated way. After a minute, he lifted his head slightly just so he could speak.
“No…something is seriously hurt on me…and it’s called my pride,” Josh grumbled, resulting in even more laughs from the ponies. It seemed that no matter what he did, he could make the girls all laugh. He was honestly used to this, since he had been making folks laugh ever since he had been in kindergarten. Still, it didn’t make it any more enjoyable being laughed at by ponies than humans, especially girl ponies.
“Need any help, Joshy boy?” Applejack called out, ready to get up and help the boy, should he need it.
“No, I’m sure that I’ll find my pride and dignity soon enough…they don’t usually leave me for long,” Josh muttered, resulting in more snickers and giggles from the ponies as he weakly sat upon his rump and glared down at the rock that he had slipped on. Now, not only did his back hurt, but so did his right foot and his dignity. Being humiliated in front of a bunch of ponies was not all it was cracked up to be.
“Hey, klutzy, are you gonna fall again, or do you plan on sitting still and not moving the rest of your life?” Spike grinned, walking over and carrying an armload of apples, since Applejack had sent him to go get some more.
“Oh, goody, not only do I have the ladies laughing at me, but now the little dragon is having his fun, too,” Josh said sarcastically, getting back to his feet and putting his hands on his hips, “Well, let me make one thing perfectly clear. I am not one to mock or be laughed at, since…from my world…I’m the ruler! That’s right, the ruler, and if you cross me…you’ll be crossing royalty!”
“Wait a minute…you’re the RULER of your world?” Twilight gasps, the smile on her face instantly vanishing, “So…does that make you a king or something?”
“Uh…yes, that’s right! I’m King Josh Schwartz, better known as King Joshua, but I prefer just Josh,” the human grinned, loving how his lie was instantly being bought by the ponies, “You’d better be nice to me and not laugh, since King Joshua does not like being mocked.”
“Ah thought ya said that ya just prefer ‘King Josh’ and not Joshua,” Applejack said, raising an eyebrow and instantly looking suspicious. Josh glanced at the cowgirl pony and blinked a bit. There was something about her that he couldn’t quite understand. It almost looked like she was somehow seeing right through his lie, even though the other five were looking very nervous about being in the presence of royalty and thus were feeling bad about mocking him. There was something about the way Applejack was looking at him that made him nervous.
“Well, yes…but, well, I was just saying ‘King Joshua’ because it’s my REAL title, even if it’s not the one I go by,” Josh explained, smiling and trying to regain his composure. He was a great actor, after all.
“Please excuse our rudeness then, King Josh,” Twilight said, bowing her head to the human, “We didn’t know that you were the ruler of your world and we are truly sorry for our actions.” Before Josh could continue with his act and start acting like a king, Applejack spoke up again.
“If yer a king, let’s see some proof,” she stated, narrowing her eyes as it seemed she was staring right into Josh’s soul, “Our ruler, Princess Celestia, always wears a crown and she can easily prove who she is. What about you, huh?”
“Applejack, bite your tongue!” the white pony scolded, “How can you speak against royalty like that? Do you have NO manners whatsoever?”
“Ah just want him to prove he is who he says he is,” Applejack said honestly, “He might just be makin’ this all up so we feel sorry for him.”
“That sounds fair to me,” the yellow pony said meekly, turning to look at Josh, “Um…please, forgive us for asking, but…can you prove you are who you say you are?”
“Ooh, maybe he has some cool powers that he hasn’t shown to us!” the pink pony grinned excitedly, “Can you make it rain chocolate milk? I so love chocolate milk!”
“Uh…” Josh gulped, trying to think away out of this without being humiliated again. All six of the ponies were watching him, including Spike, who hadn’t left the area and was also curious. Nervously, Josh put a hand down into the pockets of his shorts to try and find something that would help. He felt a dime in his pocket, and thought up a quick idea. With a little grin, he looked over at Spike, who immediately looked uncomfortable with the human’s expression.
“What are you planning on doing to me now?” the dragon asked, trying to back away.
“Oh, nothing…it’s just that…I think I see something coming out of your ear,” Josh stated, narrowing his eyes and peering closely at the dragon.
“Huh, my ears? Where?” Spike gasped, reaching up and pulling at both of his ears and manipulating them into many different ways, “I don’t feel anything.”
“Well…then what’s…THIS!” Josh gasped, reaching behind Spike’s left ear and seemingly pulling the dime out. Spike instantly blinked and widened his eyes in confusion as he looked at the small piece of money. Twilight looked mystified by this, Rainbow looked amazed, the white pony looked confused, the pink pony was clopping her front hooves together, the yellow pony was tilting her head curiously, but Applejack’s expression from before didn’t change.
“Uh…and what exactly did THAT prove?” the cowgirl asked, narrowing her eyes even more.
“It’s magic, of course!” Josh said, flicking the dime up and down with his fingers, “I pulled this coin right out of Spike’s ear! I can do magic, which is…uh…incredibly rare in our world. Only a ruler like myself can use it. So, there’s your proof.”
“Uh-huh…well, surely that’s not ALL the magic ya can do, right?” Applejack asked, casually crossing her front legs and raising an eyebrow, “Surely ya’ll can do more, bein’ the ruler and everything.”
Josh paused and just stared at Applejack. Reaching into his pockets, all he felt was some cat food he had picked up off his cat’s floor from back home, a pencil, and a Crunch candy bar. There was seriously nothing else he could do. All six of the ponies, and Spike, were now back to watching him very closely. Josh could tell that they were starting to get very suspicious of his claims. It wasn’t long before Josh finally snapped.
“CURSE YOU, APPLEJACK!” he screamed, pointing an accusing finger at the pony, “HOW DARE YOU SEE THROUGH MY ACTING! I’M A FLAWLESS ACTOR BACK HOME, BUT YOU SAW RIGHT THROUGH IT FROM THE VERY START, DIDN’T YOU? YOU ROTTEN LITTLE PONY!”
“Ah knew it, ah knew it, ah knew it!” Applejack grinned, going back to her happy face, “Girls, he’s a fraud! He ain’t no ruler; there probably isn’t a ruler in his world at all!”
“Wow, AJ, you saw right through him!” Rainbow laughed, slapping her a high-five…or rather a high-hoof, “Way to go; no one can lie to you.”
“Don’t feel too ashamed, Josh,” Twilight snickered, “You see, Applejack possesses the element of honesty, so you can’t lie to her.”
“The element of honesty?” Josh blinked, scratching his head in confusion, “What the heck is that?”
“Uh…well…each of us possesses a different element,” Twilight explained, “I have the element of magic, Rarity has the element of generosity, Pinkie has the element of laughter, Fluttershy has the element of kindness, Rainbow Dash has the element of loyalty, and Applejack has the element of honesty. Together, the six of us are best friends and we form the elements of harmony.”
“That would be correct, darling,” the pony named Rarity said with a smile.
“Yep, so very true!” the pony named Pinkie, which was such another original name, giggled.
“Wait…WHAT?” Josh groaned, slapping his forehead and looking highly irritated, “What the HECK are you talking about? Those aren’t elements…those are personality traits! Elements are like hydrogen, helium, lithium, oxygen, carbon, nitrogen, plutonium…don’t quote me on that last one, since it might not be an element, but I just really like saying the name…plutonium…it sounds so cool.”
“Uh…what the heck are YOU talking about?” Rainbow Dash asked, looking completely confused along with the rest of her friends, “I didn’t understand a single thing you just said!”
“Someone didn’t go to school long enough then,” Josh frowned, which instantly caused the ponies all to frown when Rainbow Dash looked a bit hurt, “Hey, don’t get mad at me! It’s not my fault you’re all so stupid and don’t know the difference between elements and simple character personalities.”
“Don’t you insult Rarity!” Spike snapped, poking Josh in the kneecap again with one of his claws.
“Josh, listen to me,” Twilight said coolly, hopping off the picnic table and trotting up to the human, who was busy wincing in pain from Spike’s sharp poking, “I can’t say for sure, but I’m guessing that…in your world…those things would be…natural elements. Here, the types of elements that we ponies share are the elements of harmony…and friendship. It’s what makes us who we are…it makes us unique.”
“Unique? But it makes no sense whatsoever!” Josh protested, “I mean, I personally possess ALL of those so-called ‘elements’ of yours. I’m always making people laugh, I’m usually very generous with my things, I’m always loyal to those close to my heart, I’m usually very kindhearted to those who deserve it, and…well, I’m usually very honest.”
“Uh-huh…right…so, what was that little story ya’ll just told us a while back?” Applejack scoffed.
“It was a little white lie to try and get you to stop laughing at me!” Josh whined, “It was mainly just a joke, though…you didn’t have to be so mean about it.”
“Just like you being mean to us by calling us stupid?” Rainbow Dash snapped, glaring at Josh. With a sigh, the human realized that he had once again made himself look like a total jerk. But, it was just his own personality; he was who he was. He couldn’t just force himself to change. When he had an opinion or something on his mind, he’d say it. Whether others would get hurt by what he said or not, he didn’t care. That’s how he had always lived his life.
“And…what about magic?” Twilight asked, staring up at Josh.
“And we don’t mean that pathetic little coin trick, either,” Rarity added.
“Magic? Uh…well…I don’t think I have any REAL magic in me,” Josh admitted, “I’m not a magical pony like you, so…I suppose you DO possess one thing that I don’t have.”
“You don’t think there’s magic inside of you?” Fluttershy said, tilting her head and looking a bit sad.
“No, I KNOW there isn’t…magic doesn’t exist in my world…at least not YOUR kind of magic,” Josh said.
“Not even…the magic of friendship?” Pinkie said, blinking her eyes a few times and tilting her head as well. All six ponies looked closely at Josh, waiting for an answer. The human rolled his eyes and shook his head. The magic of friendship? Seriously, these ponies should be talking to a wall, or maybe a group of toddlers. This was seriously ridiculous and stupid; he’d rather talk to his father, and he hated his father. But, at least his father was smart, unlike these stupid ponies.
“There’s no such thing as the magic of friendship,” Josh shrugged, “On my world, if you want to make a friend, you just go out and talk to someone and, voila, you’ve made a friend. Wow, really magical.”
“Josh…I think we might have a thing or two to teach you here,” Twilight said softly, shaking her head and looking up at the human some more, “While you’re here, I hope you allow us to try and teach you the ways of our world.”
“Oh, joy…I’m gonna have some pretty little horses taking me to school…I feel SO excited!” Josh mocked, walking over and kicking the same rock that he had slipped on earlier. The rock ended up sailing straight into a nearby tree, bouncing off it, and striking Josh right in the gut. As the human yelped in pain and fell to the ground, clutching his stomach and loudly cursing his luck, the six ponies all went back to laughing. Deep down, they knew they had a lot to teach this human while he was on their world.
Soon, Josh had gone into emo mode after finally picking himself up off the ground. He had excused himself from the giggling group of ponies and had gone back to sit at his tree, the same one he had crashed down in front of about an hour or so before. Now, he was sitting by himself, moping and keeping his arms crossed as he stewed angrily over what he had gotten himself into and exactly how he was gonna get back home.
“The sooner I get out of here, the better,” Josh grumbled to himself, looking around and visibly wincing at everything he laid eyes upon, “Damn this place sucks…it’s so…so…well, I would say ‘gay’, but that’s just what moronic teenagers say when they can’t come up with a better word due to their lack of proper education. So…uh…oh, screw it, I’ll just go with ‘pathetic’, since I love that word.”
“You are beyond rude, you know that?” Spike asked, standing right next to Josh and tapping his foot on the ground, “I’ve been standing here the whole time, too…didn’t you even notice?”
“Yeah, I noticed, but I felt better pretending that you were a figment of my imagination instead of an annoying dragon,” Josh said coolly, trying to shoo Spike away by motioning with his hands. Watching the human wave his hands in front of his face, Spike felt really obligated to bite down on them, but fearing that it might cause a few problems, he resisted the heavy urge to do so.
“Why are you being so mean?” Spike demanded, trying to act civilized, “Why are you calling the girls stupid and our world pathetic? And why do you constantly try making yourself look so awesome while trying to make others look foolish?”
“First, I’m not being mean, this is how I usually act,” Josh explained, holding up a mock finger as he lectured Spike, “Second, they deserved to be called stupid, since they were laughing when I got hurt and I didn’t appreciate that; I do have a sense of pride, you know. Third, I called this world pathetic because it seriously is; it’s all so girly and creepy and makes me want to cut my eyes out. Fourth, once again, that’s just the way I act. Get used to it, dragon boy; got it memorized?”
Spike looked at a loss for words momentarily, since no one really ever lectured him, besides Twilight, and she usually never did it in such a direct way. However, after it all sank in, Spike snarled and clenched his fists. This human or whatever the heck he was really was starting to drive him crazy. The dragon wanted to attack Josh so badly, but remembering how a single poking from his clawed finger managed to hurt the human’s sensitive skin, he realized that attacking a creature like that might not be such a good idea. To this point, Spike and the ponies still really had no idea what a human was capable of.
“Well, look here, one of those ponies is named Rarity, and it just so happens that I…um…really care for her,” Spike muttered, walking up close to Josh so that he could whisper, “So, I’m not gonna let you go around insulting her while I’m here!”
“Ooh, how cute…a dragon is in love with a girly little pony!” Josh laughed, closing his eyes and fighting the urge to start rolling around on the ground, “Oh, this is RICH! A rough, annoying, foolish little dragon like you…likes a prissy, beautiful, elegant pony like Rarity? That is beyond hilarious!”
“Shush, please, keep it down!” Spike cried, worryingly looking back to see if any of the ponies were listening in, “Please, I beg you, don’t let her know how I feel!”
“Why not? You plan on hiding your love from her forever?” Josh grinned, leaning over and playfully flicking the dragon on the nose, “If you like her so much, go and tell her. Watching from afar never did anyone any good.”
“No, I can’t…she’s just…so amazing,” Spike sighed, sitting down and shaking his head, “I can’t just go and tell her how much I love her; it would be embarrassing!”
“Yes, of course it would, but love usually is humiliating,” Josh shrugged, “That’s why I, personally, have locked love out of my heart.” As these words were spoken, Spike’s mouth dropped open and he caught himself staring up at the human. Was what he heard correct? He couldn’t have heard what he thought he had just heard. Locking love out of your heart? Sure, Spike didn’t really like girly things, but he at least knew what love was and he didn’t mind Twilight and a few others knowing about how he felt about Rarity. Were humans really all like this?
“You…locked love out of your heart?” Spike whimpered, pressing two of his fingers together in a nervous and slightly sad way, “But…how could you do that?”
“Because love is a worthless emotion that means nothing, that’s why,” Josh stated, “It’s fake and it always will be fake. My father hates me and always did. He abused me my whole life. I was bullied my entire life by people in school. I had a hateful family who only cared about themselves and never showed me any love. Heck, even my mother didn’t really love me. Plus, I’ve never had a single girlfriend my entire life, and I plan to keep it that way. Love is evil, spelled backwards...well, almost.”
“That’s…that’s horrible…I’m sorry that you’ve been hurt so much,” Spike said softly, “But…still, love is amazing! The feeling of warmth in your heart when you see that special person who means the world to you…the way your mouth dries up and you get tongue-tied when you’re around them…the way you feel faint and gooey inside when they hug you or kiss you…it’s magical, it really is!”
“Sounds more like heartburn if you ask me,” Josh chuckled.
“And then there’s the love between best friends,” Spike continued, either ignoring Josh or not really understanding what he just said, “Twilight is my best friend…well, she’s more like a big sister…or even slightly a motherly figure to me. Sure, we get on each other’s nerves sometimes, but I love her to death and she loves me; we would be lost without each other. Applejack, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie…they’re all my good friends, too. Sure, girly stuff makes me cringe, but…the fact that they’re my friends is a wonderful kind of love that I wouldn’t trade for all the gems in the world.”
“Oh please, you’re so delusional,” Josh moaned, slapping his forehead, “Let me ask you something, Spikey. Would all of those people die for you? Would they give you the shirt off their backs for you? Would they take a bullet for you? Would they always stick by your side, even when you’re wrong, and even if you’ve gone insane?”
“Er…some of those are a bit extreme, don’t you think?” Spike muttered.
“Answer the question, dragon boy,” Josh demanded.
“Well…uh…I’d rather not think…like that,” Spike admitted, “But…why does it matter? It doesn’t matter what someone DOES that shows love…it’s what you feel on the inside and it’s a lot more than that. I can’t really explain it.”
“That doesn’t surprise me,” Josh snickered, leaning back against the tree again, “Look, it doesn’t matter what you or those girls say; I refuse to believe in love and magic and all this garbage. If you want that kind of junk, go and watch a sappy romance movie.”
As Spike was heading back to being angry with Josh, a bright light suddenly started to shine right in front of the tree. Josh gasped and shielded his eyes as the other six ponies hurried over, having gotten done with their picnic and looking rather anxious about what was happening. Spike joined their sides as the flash of light slowly took shape, or rather something was appearing out of it. When Josh was finally able to see again, he saw yet another pony in front of him. However, this pony was way different than the six annoying ones he had already met.
The pony had large wings and was slowly descending down from the air to land in front of the stunned human. She was hardly a pony, since she was huge. She seemed to have Rarity’s fur color, but her horn was also large. Her colorful mane and tail were fluttering in the breeze, and her big pink eyes were already fastening themselves right onto the human boy below her. On her head was a golden crown. Now slightly worried, Josh realized that he was probably dealing with someone very important here.
“Ah…this is him, Twilight?” the large pony spoke, looking over at the purple pony. Josh noticed that all six of the ponies, including Spike, were all bowing to the larger pony or whatever she was. Indeed, this was someone very important.
“Yes, Princess, that’s him,” Twilight said, nodding her head, “He’s the one I sent you the note about ten minutes ago. Thanks for the fast delivery, Spike.”
“No problem, Twilight,” Spike smiled. Josh was very confused; how in the world did they manage to send a letter without a mailbox or a carrier pigeon or anything? This world was just getting more and more confusing and more and more annoying.
Josh slowly rose to his feet, instantly feeling a bit unnerved as he faced the large white pony princess. She was just about the same size as Josh, maybe a bit smaller. This really freaked Josh out, since he himself was six feet tall, and knowing that there were those in this world that were his size made him nervous, since he had a feeling they possessed a lot of weird powers. Plus, her pointy horn looked pretty sharp, so he made sure to stay far away from it.
“I was very curious about what happened,” the princess said, looking the human over, “I did feel some weird paranormal activity…”
“Paranormal activity?” Josh interrupted, snickering and rolling his eyes, “That’s a pretty good movie, I must admit.”
“…what in the world are you talking about?” the princess asked, raising an eyebrow and looking slightly unnerved by the human’s rude actions.
“Back on my world, we have movies that people watch on television sets,” Josh smirked, “Paranormal Activity is the name of a movie back on my world. It’s about some kind of evil spirit or something that terrorizes a family before eventually breaking them apart and killing them…I think. I’ve never actually SEEN the movie.”
“…why would you humans MAKE such a horrid thing?” Rarity spoke up, clearly frightened. Josh noticed that all six ponies, Spike, and the princess pony all looked a bit terrified at what Josh explained.
“It’s for entertainment purposes,” Josh sighed, slapping his forehead, “Seriously, what’s wrong with that? It’s just a movie; it’s not REAL.”
“But…THAT’S entertainment to you humans?” Applejack blinked, “Uh…no offense, but…you humans don’t seem all that…there.”
“Oh, let me guess…what YOU ponies consider to be ‘entertainment’ is running around frolicking in some meadows, or hugging and kissing, or making cupcakes, right?” Josh mocked.
“Well, we DO make cupcakes, and I DO love frolicking in my spare time, and I DO hug Gummy all the time, not to mention my friends!” Pinkie giggled. However, she was the only one who didn’t seem to mind Josh’s obvious insult. The rest of the group was glaring at Josh angrily, including the princess, who had already taken a disliking to him, thanks to his attitude.
“…Josh, was it?” the princess said slowly, “Please let me introduce myself. I am Princess Celestia. Along with my sister, Luna, we rule over Equestria together. We raise the sun and moon each day and night, and always look after our subjects and try to do our best to make this a great world to live.”
“Whoa…this world has a DICTATOR?” Josh gasped, “No, make that TWO dictators…and they’re FEMALES? Man…I think Earth could take a few lessons from this place.” He snickered to himself, which resulted in a lot more angry hisses and protests from the group.
“How dare you speak to the princess like that?” Twilight yelled, running up to Josh’s side and glaring up angrily at him, “Stop talking like that in front of her! She deserves your respect!”
“No, she doesn’t,” Josh said, sticking out his tongue, “I’m not a resident of this world. Therefore, I don’t have to listen to a thing she says. I don’t listen to ANYONE, you hear me? Ever since I was born, me listening to people has led to nothing but pain and sorrow. I’m not gonna go into it, but…the only law and rules I follow are my own. If you don’t like it, then send me back to where I belong.”
“…which is why I’m here,” the princess said calmly, trying to keep her anger under control, “I know that you do not want to be here, which is fine, since this is naturally not you world. I could attempt to send you back home, but it will take some time. My magic is strong, but I cannot send someone back to a world that I do not know, and it takes time to use such powerful magic. Until I can do so, you must stay on this world.”
“Oh, joy…that’s the best news I’ve heard all day,” Josh said sarcastically, “Next thing you’re gonna tell me is that I have to stay with one of these annoying little colorful ponies since you don’t trust me and therefore you want one of your little slaves to look after me.”
“…that’s pretty much what I indeed was going to say next,” Celestia growled, narrowing her eyes at Josh and slowly walking towards him, “And I will tell you something right now. If you so much as hurt or harm any of them, even in the slightest way…you will regret it.”
“Look, princess, I’ll tell YOU something right now,” Josh spat back, glaring at her and not backing down, “I’m not here to make friends, or to get lectures on love, or to get a bunch of cupcakes and hugs and all that nonsense. How I got here is beyond me, but this is not my style at all and I refuse to do anything you say. Go ahead and do something to me…I dare you.”
Princess Celestia stopped in her tracks and glared right back into Josh’s eyes. The human boy and ruler of Equestria both stared each other down, neither one blinking and neither one wavering. The more Celestia stared into Josh’s eyes, the more she could slightly feel his true feelings. He had a heart, but it was locked away and shut up from the rest of him. He was so cold and distant, but it was because of how much deep pain he had suppressed all through his years. He had stopped listening to his heart and started listening to his head. Celestia realized that her faithful student would be up to this hard task.
“Twilight…I want you to take him in,” Celestia said, turning away from Josh and ignoring what he had said before, “Try to do your best to make him happy and make him see the ways of our world, okay? I know that you can do it.”
“Of course, Princess, I won’t let you down,” Twilight said, nodding her head and smiling up at her.
“Great…I can already tell that I’m gonna get lectured by this punkish little unicorn every day that I stay here,” Josh sighed, turning around and walking a few paces away from the group, “Why did I have to be sent to this god-forsaken planet?”
“That is something that I cannot answer,” Princess Celestia frowned, turning back to look at the human, “How you got here is still a mystery even to me, but I’ll try to find that out as well as work on a way to send you back home. I won’t rest until this is fixed.”
“Right…like you would really work THAT hard for someone like me,” Josh muttered, “Someone you don’t even know and someone who obviously doesn’t like you.”
“…you may not like me, but that doesn’t matter,” Celestia said, a little softer, “I will not tell you what to do while you’re here…and neither will Twilight, or any of her friends. We’ll give you your space, Josh.”
“Thank you, I guess,” Josh sighed, shaking his head and holding one hand over his eye and half of his forehead as he stared off into the distance. He felt so angry right now. He had been back at home with his TV, his computer, and everything. Now, he was in a stupid world full of stupid ponies that didn’t seem to know what the heck they were doing. Why couldn’t they just get with the program? The world didn’t run like the way they wanted it; love and friendship was dead and it always was since Adam and Eve listened to the serpent.
“Well, I won’t stay,” Celestia said, leaning down and giving Twilight a little nuzzle, “Twilight, my faithful student, good luck. As for the rest of you, please take care and do what you can to make Josh try and like our world, okay? See you all later.” She stretched her wings and flew back up into the sky, her horn glowing and her body starting to vanish as she began teleporting away. The six ponies and Spike all waved goodbye to their princess just before she vanished entirely.
“Well, Josh…how would you like a tour of Ponyville?” Twilight said, turning back to look at the human and forcing a smile.
“PONYVILLE? Oh, dear lord and Jesus…are you SERIOUS?” Josh moaned, walking back over to the tree and slamming his head onto it over and over again, “Seriously…Ponyville…the name of the town where they live is called Ponyville…oh, just kill me now before I go and jump off a cliff.”
“So…I suppose that means you DON’T want a tour?” Twilight asked, holding back Rainbow Dash and Applejack as both of them had angrily started to advance towards the human after his latest statement.
“No, no, I’ll take it…it just really makes me want to cry how pathetic things are around here,” Josh grumbled, rubbing his forehead where he had been banging it on the tree and slowly walking over towards the girls, “It’s almost like your world exists entirely for love purposes and nothing else. I don’t see any pollution, I don’t see any crime, I don’t see any litter, you all don’t cuss and you’re all friends…it all just makes me so nauseated.”
“Um…but…isn’t everything you just stated…GOOD things?” Fluttershy asked.
“For the most part, yes,” Josh admitted, “But…it’s like your world has no flaws…and you’re all perfect. That is something that I hate; I hate perfection. When something is perfect, you can’t do anything with it; there’s no hope to improve it. Your world seems so…pure…so good…and yet it’s terrifying. I really don’t know how to explain it, but…never mind, just forget I said anything.” He shook his head and didn’t say another word, leaving the six girls and the dragon to look at one another nervously.
“Right...whatever you say,” Rainbow Dash muttered, shaking her head and flapping her wings, “C’mon, Twilight, let’s get going.”
“Yes, of course; this way, Josh,” Twilight said, giving one nod towards the human before she began trotting along. Spike jumped onto her back and rode her like a human would ride a horse, and the five other ponies all trotted alongside her (Rainbow Dash flying alongside her instead). Josh watched them lead the way, and eventually, he trudged along after them. He muttered a few things under his breath as he did so, his mind very stressed right now. He didn’t know what to expect in Ponyville, but he figured it would be more girly stuff that was sure to make him sick to his stomach.
Twilight glanced back at the black-haired human now and then. She had been analyzing all his actions and everything he had said since he came to Equestria. He started off trying to be nice, but then he suddenly turned into a jerk. However, after hearing what Spike told her that he had said, and seeing how he responded to the princess, she realized that Josh wasn’t the way he was just because he was born a jerk. There was a lot more to him than that, and she was up to the challenge of finding out what.
“Welcome to Ponyville, Josh!” Twilight said happily as the group of six ponies and Spike, complete with the annoyed human boy, walked into the bustling little town, “This is the wonderful place that all us ponies call home. What do you think?”
“I think I need to find a cliff and go jump off it,” Josh said, looking sick to his stomach as he was forced to observe the sight in front of him. The pleasant little burg of a town was filled with small buildings and a ton of ponies trotting here and there. Josh didn’t bother paying much attention to specifics, since he was already revolted and felt incredibly creeped out by the change of scenery.
“I know a few cliffs, if you want to see them,” Rainbow Dash frowned, narrowing her eyes at Josh.
“Rainbow, patience,” Twilight scolded, even though she wasn’t looking too thrilled with Josh’s comments either, “Come on, Josh, we’ll show you where we all live and you’ll see just how amazing our town really is.”
“Please forgive me if I contain my excitement,” Josh sniffed. Once again, Rainbow Dash made a move towards the human, but once more Twilight was forced to stop her.
“Right this way, Josh,” the purple unicorn said calmly, turning and leading the group along. Rainbow Dash gave Josh another dirty look, then flew after her leader, while the other four ponies and dragon did the same thing. Muttering to himself, Josh followed along a good few feet behind.
Through the town, Josh frowned as he realized he was getting a ton of ponies staring at him. He saw several ponies gasp, even more tilt their heads in confusion, and still more quickly grab the nearest pony and whisper something in their ear. Several ponies quickly raced inside a house or small business and slammed the door shut, almost as if they were afraid of the human.
Eventually, a green pony with a horn on her head seemed to snicker while pointing at Josh with her hoof and whispering something to her partner pony, who had curly blue and pink hair. Having had enough of these ponies and their insidious looks, Josh flashed the green unicorn a curious hand gesture, which involved him keeping his middle finger raised while he pulled all the others down. Instead of doing what he intended for it to do, Josh was dismayed when he saw the green unicorn whisper even more to her cohort, which resulted in another outburst of giggling and more pointing and staring.
“Right…how could I forget that these ponies don’t have fingers and therefore they have no idea what the hand gesture I just did was supposed to mean,” Josh sighed, slapping his forehead as he nearly stepped on Spike’s tail due to lack of watching where he was going.
“What did ya’ll just do?” Applejack asked, peering back at Josh and frowning a bit. To honor her wish, the human made the same hand gesture at the cowgirl pony. She looked just as confused as the two female ponies Josh had just seen looked.
“What is that supposed to mean? Is it some kind of symbol?” Rarity asked, peering back curiously and noticing Josh’s hand gesture, “It looks like a little tower, if you ask me.”
“No…in polite terms…the person I point it at basically is me telling them to go jump off a cliff,” Josh said, trying to keep his anger under control.
“Well, that’s not very nice, so put that finger down before I break it,” Rainbow Dash snapped, since she had still been flying overhead and keeping a very close eye on the human.
“Something’s about to be broken and it ain’t going to be my finger,” Josh growled, but put his middle finger down anyway just to appease the Pegasus pony. A moment later, the grouped stopped outside of what seemed like a fence heading into a huge apple orchard, complete with a barn and other obvious farm buildings.
“Joshy boy, this here’s mah farm and mah home, Sweet Apple Acres” Applejack smiled, turning to look at the human boy, “We’re responsible for harvestin’ apples and lots of other tasty treats and sellin’ ‘em to the town folk, not to mention many other things, too. Mah little sister should be around here someplace, if ya’ll want to meet her.”
“E-I-E-I-NO!” Josh mocked, crossing his arms and turning away, “Farms suck! They smell bad and they’re really filthy. Plus, my mother always forced me to eat apples when I didn’t want to, so I don’t have good memories of them.”
“While I agree with the smelling bad and the filthy part, there’s no reason to be rude,” Rarity sniffed.
“HEY!” Applejack snapped, “Ah resent those remarks! Mah farm does NOT smell bad…and it is NOT filthy! Ya’ll take that back!”
“How about I take my foot and show you how far I can kick a pony?” Josh snapped, turning back around and glaring at Applejack. However, before a fight could break out, another little filly came bounding up to the group a moment later. She looked just like Applejack, only with a much lighter body and with a red mane and tail. As soon as she saw Josh, she reacted in almost the same way as the fillies back at the picnic had reacted.
“Big sis…who is that?” the little filly asked, tilting her head as she looked up at Josh. She had a southern accent just like Applejack, and Josh actually didn’t get annoyed with her. He couldn’t really explain it, but something about this little filly made him feel a bit better. She wasn’t jumping at him with too much hyper energy, she wasn’t really asking any stupid questions, she wasn’t acting like an idiot, and Josh honestly thought she had a cute voice.
“Ah, Apple Bloom…this is Josh…he’s a human,” Applejack said calmly, “Josh, this is mah little sister that ah was tellin’ ya’ll about, Apple Bloom.”
“Um…nice to meet you, sweetie,” Josh said, reaching down and gently patting the filly on the head, where she had a bow tied around her hair. This act of kindness instantly shocked and stunned all six of the other ponies and Spike. Apple Bloom didn’t look at all scared of Josh, either. Even though she had no idea what a human was, since Josh had made a good first impression on her, she just smiled and nuzzled his hand back.
“Hi there, Josh, it’s nice to meet ya, too!” Apple Bloom giggled, peering at the human’s hand and tilting her head, “Wow…yer…really different! Ah don’t really know what a ‘human’ is, but ya seem really nice. Are ya friends with mah big sis?”
“Well…I just got here not that long ago, so I can’t say for sure,” Josh said honestly, still patting the little filly and never stopping smiling, “But, I’d like to think so; she’s quite a cool little pony, as are her friends. Right now, they’re giving me a tour of this…town…Ponyville, was it?” Rainbow Dash was about to make a snappy remark, but Twilight quickly shushed her.
“Yup, it’s Ponyville!” Apple Bloom smiled, closing her eyes and slightly wagging her tail as she enjoyed Josh’s patting, “Do ya think ya could come back later and play with me once yer through with yer tour? Ya seem really fun!”
“Sure, I’d like that,” Josh chuckled, gently stroking Apple Bloom’s back a few times before standing back up, “But, we really should get going; we have a lot more places to cover. It was nice meeting you, Apple Bloom. Take care, alright, little sweetie?”
“Nice meetin’ ya too, Joshy,” Apple Bloom said, nodding her head up at the tall human, “Have fun with the rest of yer tour. Oh, and if ya’ll see mah two best friends, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, make sure to tell them hi from me, ahright?”
“I’ll be sure to do that,” Josh grinned, giving the little filly a little salute before turning around and being the leader for once, “Come on, Twilight; where are we headed next?”
“Uh…uh…right, of course!” Twilight blinked, shaking her head as she quickly followed after the human, the rest of the stunned ponies and Spike doing the same while Apple Bloom waved goodbye to them with her front hoof. As soon as they were all far away from the farm, the group of seven immediately started bombarding Josh with questions.
“What the heck was THAT all about?”
“Were you just acting again?”
“Since when did you turn back into a nice person?”
“Ya’ll weren’t tryin’ to seduce mah sister, were ya?”
“Um…it’s nice to know that you have a nice side, too…”
“Yay, now we can finally have a group hug!”
“I’m watching you, human!”
“Will you all please shut up before I punt you across the stupid town?” Josh snapped, instantly going back to his angry self as he glared at the ponies and dragon, “The only reason I treated that little filly kindly was because she deserved it…and she was a little sweetheart.”
“And WE don’t deserve that same kindness?” Rarity asked.
“Nope, you sure don’t,” Josh sniffed, crossing his arms, “You all are still annoying little horses with wings and horns and big mouths and I still would love to punt you all across a field, if I got the chance.”
“Wow, THAT sure didn’t last long,” Rainbow Dash growled, flying down and getting into Josh’s face, “What is your deal? Why would you treat Apple Bloom differently than us? She’s a pony too, you know.” Josh paused as Rainbow Dash said this, as though thinking about something, but then he just shook his head and pushed Rainbow Dash’s face away from his own.
“That’s none of your business, now hurry up and continue with this stupid tour before I use one of you as a chair,” Josh smirked.
“Try it and see where it gets you,” Spike snapped, flashing his fangs up at the human. After a moment of muttering and complaining from the entire group, Twilight reluctantly led Josh towards the next part of their tour, which was a building that looked to be made of gingerbread and cupcakes.
“This is Sugarcube Corner, where a lot of baked goods are made,” Twilight explained, “And it’s also where Pinkie Pie lives.”
“That’s right!” Pinkie gushed, bouncing up and down and smiling up at Josh, “Would you like some cupcakes?”
“No thanks, little pony who obviously has ADHD or ADD,” Josh sneered, wagging his finger in Pinkie’s face, “If I want some cupcakes, I’ll just take some pieces off the top of this building. Next!”
“What’s ADHD and ADD?” Pinkie asked, as Twilight grumbled and continued on with the tour without letting Josh say anything else rude, “Ooh, ooh, I know! ADHD stands for ‘action decision heavy dose’, right? And ADD stands for ‘alligator dairy date’, right?”
“Please just kill me now,” Josh moaned, trying to plug his ears as Pinkie talked. The next destination was another tall building that looked shiny, stylish, and quite mesmerizing. It gave Josh a headache just looking at it.
“This is Rarity’s Carousel Boutique,” Twilight explained, smiling over at the proud-looking white unicorn next to her, “It’s where she makes a lot of brilliant clothing items for everypony in Ponyville…and sometimes even in other places, too!”
“That’s right, darling,” Rarity smiled, reaching up and gingerly puffing up her mane as she glanced at Josh, “Isn’t it just a lovely place? Would you care to take a look inside?”
“Hmm…well, it looks clean, I’ll give you that,” Josh muttered, “But…in all honesty…the sight of it makes me want to hurl, since the colors are blinding me and it’s way too girly. I feel sorry for any male that has to go in THERE.”
“HEY!” Spike and Rarity both screamed at once, both of them going red in the face, both from anger and embarrassment.
“The truth hurts, don’t it?” Josh snickered, “Besides, the last time I was forced to dress up like a girl was back in middle school, and it was for a play. I didn’t like it at all, and I ended up beating up a random fool on my way home, too, out of sheer frustration and humiliation.”
“…let’s just move on before Rarity does something that you’ll regret,” Twilight grumbled, nudging Josh’s left leg and forcing him to move along. Next, they visited a schoolhouse.
“This is where little ponies go to learn about cutie marks and friendship and everything else!” Pinkie cheered, “Isn’t just an awesome place? Cheerilee is the teacher who works here!”
“Wow…amazing…you little horses actually have a SCHOOL so that you may actually LEARN things? That’s a huge shocker!” Josh gasped, “I think I might need to lie down and rest my head, since this wasn’t something I was expecting at all!”
“Don’t you have ANYTHING nice to say about ANYTHING?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Not really, since this world is beyond girly and pathetic and makes me want to cry,” Josh explained. It wasn’t long before the group quickly decided to move on, just in case any young ponies came out of the school and had to witness a gruesome beating. The next place that was visited was what seemed to be some kind of large home floating on some clouds in the sky, with rainbows shooting out the sides.
“THAT is my home,” Rainbow Dash said smugly, floating in front of Josh and grinning at him, “Pretty amazing, don’t you think?” Josh peered closely at the floating house in the sky, and after a few minutes of constant observing and contemplating, he came up with his decision.
“Even though I still think you ponies are lame and too girly for my tastes, I cannot deny that your home is amazing, Rainbow,” Josh admitted, “It’s pretty cool...it honestly doesn’t even LOOK girly…it looks cool enough for even a male to live in. Are you sure you’re not a les…uh, never mind; that might be pushing it a bit far.”
“What were you about to call me?” Rainbow Dash growled, “A les…what? Tell me!”
“No, no, it doesn’t need to be said…right now,” Josh snickered, “Let’s move on, Twilight; I can’t wait to find something else to mock and get a headache at, since I do so love getting migraines.”
“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that,” Twilight sighed, trotting along again, “We’re almost done for the day.” The second-to-last place that was visited was a small cottage that seemed to be overflowing with nature and animals. Josh got his wish and received another migraine as soon as he saw it.
“Um…this is my place…” Fluttershy spoke up, shyly looking up at Josh, “What…do you think?” Josh peered down at the little Pegasus, and even though he felt slightly bad that he was about to mock her, he just couldn’t help it.
“Frankly, my dear, I’m surprised you don’t live in the middle of a zoo,” he said, “Seriously, are you a nature freak and animal stalker or something?”
“Uh…well…I wouldn’t quite say a freak…or a stalker…but, I do really like nature and animals,” Fluttershy squeaked, “Animals are so very sweet, and I take care of them whenever I can. Plus, being with nature all the time is a lovely experience.”
“Hmm…yeah, well…curse you, Fluttershy,” Josh snapped, “You make it so hard to get mad at you; why can’t you be more brash and annoying like your flying blue friend instead? Then I’d have no trouble teasing you and telling you how lame you are.”
“I’m sorry…I can rage for you…um, if you want,” Fluttershy said, smiling up at Josh and looking hopeful.
“Er…let’s just move on before my face melts from seeing that cute expression your face,” Josh grumbled, “Twilight, let’s please go before your friend drives me insane with her kindness.”
“Kindness goes a long way, Josh,” Twilight grinned, “Maybe I’ll let you hang out with Fluttershy more often and see what happens.”
“Me jumping into a lake or over a cliff is what’ll happen,” Josh whispered. The ponies didn’t hear, so they started heading towards the final stop of the tour. Spike had gotten tired and had climbed on top of Twilight’s back. Josh saw the dragon curled up into a ball on the pony’s back and was sleeping soundly, while Twilight herself trotted slowly along to not wake him. This made the human boy curious.
“In case yer wonderin’, Spike is Twilight’s assistant,” Applejack explained when she caught Josh’s stare, “They’ve been together ever since they were little; they’re quite close.”
“Huh…a dragon and a pony?” Josh blinked, “But…they’re so…different! And, Spike is, like, the ONLY male that I’ve seen around this female-infested world! It’s so weird.”
“Uh…don’t know about that last part, but…who cares what Spike is?” Rainbow Dash asked, “I used to have a best friend who was a griffon; it doesn’t matter who or what you are. Anything can become friends.”
“That’s right!” Pinkie piped up, “Having a lot of friends…big and small, alive and not alive, cute and ugly, pink and not pink, ponies and non-ponies…it all feels so great! It’s a joy to share your love with so many others.”
“What’s the point of sharing love that is meaningless?” Josh argued, crossing his arms and turning away, “Just because someone or something is ‘nice’ to you doesn’t mean they’re your friend. You can never see into a person’s heart, so you therefore never know just who or what they REALLY are. What might be an angel on the outside could very well be a devil on the inside, and vice versa. What good are stupid friends? You can’t ever trust them…the only one you can ever trust is yourself.”
The ponies all glanced back at Josh and stared at him for a long time. The part where he said that someone could be a devil on the outside or inside, but an angel on the opposite place really intrigued them. But, the rest of what the human said really made them a bit sad. They knew that there was something preventing Josh from accepting friends and love, and even though they all found him to be a rude jerk, they wanted to help. As Twilight made it to their final stop, a giant tree library, she was very anxious to get to work on trying to unlock Josh’s heart.
“I must admit, I always did love books,” Josh stated as he was allowed entrance into the Ponyville library, which apparently was Twilight Sparkle’s home, “Still, the fact that you actually LIVE in a tree that happens to be a library is beyond ironic and it says a lot about yourself.”
“Oh?” Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow as she observed the human, “Care to enlighten me on your thoughts, Josh?”
“Well, books are basically paper, and paper is made from trees, and thus an entire library is located within a tree itself,” Josh said, “Plus, those who would actually LIVE at a library are naturally bookworms or nerds, which I can already tell you fit both descriptions. Seriously, I feel like I’m in a little kid’s show; what idiot would make this happen? A bookworm herd pony living in a library that just so happens to be made into a tree…original much?”
Twilight sighed and put a hoof to her face, scrunching up her eyes and trying her hardest to not lose her temper. Sure, Josh had some points, even if he did say them rather rudely. Still, she was who she was and she lived where she lived; she was happy who she was, too. Her friends had all said goodbye when they had gotten to the library, so Twilight, Spike and Josh were now all alone inside of the tree library. The dragon, naturally, wasn’t too thrilled about this, and listening to Josh’s insults didn’t help the matter.
“Stop picking on Twilight, Josh!” Spike snapped, “She’s the smartest and most talented pony in all of Equestria! She could easily silence you right now if she wanted to!”
“Silence me, huh?” Josh blinked, raising an eyebrow and looking down at Twilight, “I didn’t know that you little ponies would dare kill another creature just because they spoke their mind.”
“Wait…kill?” Twilight gasped, “That is NOT what Spike meant! He meant I could cast a spell to zip your mouth shut, which I’m honestly THINKING about doing! Why in the world would you even THINK that I would…do what you just said?”
“Uh…well, usually when you say that you’re gonna silence someone, it means you’re gonna kill them,” Josh frowned, “Man, is this whole world just about hugs and friendship and all that girly stuff? Is there seriously NOTHING imperfect about this place? You’re all living in a fantasy world and it’s disturbing!”
“Talk to me, Josh,” Twilight sighed, her horn glowing as she levitated a wooden chair over to her location before sitting down on the cushion that was on the seat, “Your world sounds…well, not to be mean, but it sounds…well…”
“It sounds evil!” Spike blurted, never shy about hiding his emotions, “All you’ve said and explained since you’ve been here sounds completely horrible! I’ll admit, I’m not much into this lovey-dovey girly stuff, either…but from where you’re coming from, I would choose Equestria a million times over.”
The human scratched the top of his head as he looked down at the baby dragon and then over at the purple pony. Even though he was snickering on the inside at being scolded by a cartoonish little dragon, his words seemed so genuine and true. Everything that Josh had seen and witnessed so far in this new world seemed like it was seriously something a little girl would think up inside of her mind. No death, no violence, no anything. It was like the perfect girly world. But, then again, what made something “girly” and what made it “loving” instead? Was this world REALLY what Josh was making it out to be?
“Josh? Hello?” Twilight’s voice rang out, snapping the human out of his daydream, “You were looking a little dazed for a moment there; something on your mind?”
“It’s…it’s just weird,” Josh sighed, turning away from Twilight and Spike and glancing at the large bookcases lining the current floor of the library, “Back where I come from, a place like this would be mocked and laughed at, not to mention being called a few choice names…mostly by punkish males in their middle or late teens. It’s…it’s a culture shock, for sure.”
“Is it really so weird for two worlds to be completely different?” Twilight spoke up, “As much as your world scares me just by what you’ve described, I’m willing to accept it for what it is and make it out to be simply another world with different creatures with different mindsets. Why is it that you cannot accept our world for being different from your own?”
“Because it’s so…so…imaginable and fake!” Josh snapped, whipping back around and pointing at the pony, “I’m talking to a purple female pony with a horn on her head and gothic coloring on her hair! I’m surrounded by buildings made out of jewels and candy! I have a little dragon who is more cute than deadly! All I see around me is cheerful smiles, hugging, singing, playing, and much more! The fields and plains are filled with happy animals and bounding wildlife, not to mention beautiful shrubbery! This place is nothing more than a dream world; there is no way something like this could ever be real. So, why should I accept something that I know is not reality?”
Twilight and Spike stared at the human, then looked at one another. To them, Josh was speaking nonsense, since this world was all that THEY knew. The two couldn’t imagine a world with such horrors or strange creatures like Josh. However, the two were trying to be nice, and they weren’t rejecting Josh like he was them. Why could Josh not accept something that was right in front of his face?
“Josh…if this is not reality…how are you standing here with us right now?” Twilight went on, tilting her head and narrowing her eyes slightly, “Do you think you’re dreaming?”
“That’s it! Of course, it’s SO obvious!” Josh gasped, snapping his fingers, “I’m in a coma and I’m dreaming right now! It’s just like Dorothy when she was in the Land of Oz! Wow, I never imagined that I would have a moment like THAT…too bad I don’t have my kitty cat here with me; she could be my Toto.”
“What…are…you talking about?” Spike asked slowly, obviously not understanding a word of what Josh just said. In response, Josh gave a little grin and crossed his arms; the sudden change in his expression scared both the dragon and unicorn.
“Now that I know that this is just a surreal dream, I have nothing to worry about!” Josh snickered, “Soon, I’m sure to be taken to a hospital and put into a bed and I’ll come out of his coma before long. I probably just got a bad bump on the head or whatnot. So, since I’m dreaming, that means I can do whatever I want without consequence!”
“Uh…WHAT?” Twilight blinked, quickly leaping off her chair, “Now, Josh, wait just a minute here! You can’t just go doing what…” However, her warnings fell on deaf ears as Josh suddenly ran right back out the library door and began laughing as he raced through Ponyville.
“Man…do we HAVE to go after him?” Spike complained, peering after the human as he vanished around a corner of the town, “I’m still kinda tired from that walk.”
“You stay here and rest then, Spike,” Twilight said, quickly trotting out the door, “With Josh thinking the way he is, he’s liable to hurt himself or somepony else! I might have to seriously strike him over the head if he keeps this up, but it’ll be worth it to save Ponyville from a crazy human!”
“Good luck! Give him an extra strike or two from me, too!” Spike called after Twilight, grinning deviously to himself as the little dragon shut the library door a moment later.
Josh was already long gone by the time Twilight Sparkle hurried out into Ponyville to find him. The human was convinced that he was in a surreal dream, much like the one the main character in one of his favorite movies back home. Therefore, he wasn’t thinking anymore about consequences and what might happen should he break some few rules. After all, this was apparently HIS dream, so it was HIS rules.
“Yee-haw! Move along, little doggie!” Josh laughed, hopping onto the back of a random pony on the streets of Ponyville and trying to ride her. The green pony, whom Josh had seen earlier, complete with a very interesting cutie mark on her flank, screamed in fear and began bucking like crazy and running in circles, somehow supporting the human on her back. The noise was so loud that it began drawing a crowd, to which more and more ponies began getting freaked out at the sight of Josh, since many of them hadn’t seen him as of yet.
Josh was a very good rider, as he proved to be when he refused to be bucked off. Eventually, after a few minutes, the little pony wore herself out and collapsed under the human, whimpering slightly and thinking that she was gonna be hurt. The crowd was at a complete loss for what to do in this situation, and Twilight still hadn’t managed to catch up just yet to put an end to all this. Finally, an apparent older pony with a tan body, grey mane and tail, and wearing small glasses stepped forward out of the crowd.
“Sir…or whatever manner of creature you may be…I must ask that you please get off Lyra at once!” the pony shouted, pointing a hoof at the human, “I must warn you that we ponies do not take kindly to outsiders harming us!”
“Aww, wow, I’m being scolded!” Josh smirked, speaking in a mocking babyish voice as he got off the pony named Lyra and walked over to the mare who had spoken, “Maybe if I close my eyes or snap my fingers, I can turn you into a pretzel, or maybe a balloon! Who wants to see me try?” The group of ponies that had crowded around to watch the spectacle got even more creeped out by this.
“Sir…you are…um…please go away?” the tan mare gulped, slowly easing herself backwards as she gazed up at the towering human strutting towards her, “I did not mean any harm…please don’t hurt me…”
“JOSH, STOP!” Twilight shouted out, pushing her way through the crowd and glaring at the human, “YOU ARE WAY OUT OF LINE!”
“Oh, goody, Twilight Sparkle!” Josh laughed, waving at the unicorn and allowing the tan mare to quickly cower behind a few other ponies, “I was wondering when my babysitter would get here.”
“I have had enough of you,” Twilight growled, her horn glowing, “If you’re gonna be stubborn and go around terrorizing everypony, then I’m afraid that I have no choice but to…”
“TWILIGHT SPARKLE LIKES RAINBOW DASH!” Josh blurted out, quickly causing a distraction before Twilight could use her magic, “THOSE TWO ARE TOTALLY IN LOVE!” Instantly, Twilight froze up in complete and utter shock, while the crowd started to murmur and make giggling noises.
“Oh my gosh, did you hear that?”
“Twilight and Rainbow Dash? Who would’ve thought!”
“They’re SO perfect for each other! The nerd and the jock! It’s SO adorable!”
“We totally have to throw them a coming-out party!”
“That’s SOOOOOOOOOOOO cute!”
“N-N-NO, D-D-DON’T LISTEN TO HIM!” Twilight screamed, turning away from Josh as her face was beet red and she looked on the verge of a mental breakdown, “I DO NOT LOVE RAINBOW DASH! Um, I mean, I DO love her…as a FRIEND…but NOT like THAT! STOP LAUGHING! THIS ISN’T FUNNY!”
“TWILIGHT AND RAINBOW, SITTING IN A TREE! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!” Josh sang out, grinning deviously as he worked the crowd into an even bigger frenzy, “FIRST COMES LOVE, THEN COMES MARRIAGE! THEN COMES TWILIGHT WITH A FILLY CARRIAGE!”
As Josh had hoped, the entire crowd (or at least a good chunk of them) began playfully singing the same little song and continuing to tease, mock, or congratulate Twilight on the apparent revelation that was just revealed. The poor unicorn was so stressed, horrified, embarrassed and angry that she had no idea what to do. Thinking of her reputation before anything else, she continued to try and plead her case to the crowd, giving Josh the opportunity to quickly slip away unnoticed.
“Stupid ponies,” Josh smirked, quickly running around a few more corners as the laughing and singing died down behind him, “But, this is MY dream, so whatever I want to happen WILL happen! It’s a good thing I’m good at memorizing names; why would I WANT to remember the names of horses? But, it just seemed that that rainbow pony was obviously a lesbian, and she was the first one I thought of. The crowd seemed to buy it, so that all that matters. Now…why am I talking to myself?”
As Josh pondered exactly WHY he was talking out loud to himself, he realized that he had wandered out of Ponyville and was now facing a rather large and dark forest. He paused and looked a bit hesitant as he observed the foreboding forest. Even for someone brave like him, and even if this was just an apparent dream, going into a forest like this didn’t seem like such a great idea. Then again, he didn’t want to be caught and be given another annoying lecture by Twilight; that was ALL he needed. So, between potentially heading into something dangerous or facing an angry Twilight Sparkle, the human boy chose to venture into the forest.
“Pony or not, facing an angry girl is like facing Jason Voorhees on his favorite day of the year,” Josh muttered to himself, sliding his hands down into the pockets of his shorts as he began walking along the path into the dark forest.
The forest itself was incredibly creepy. The trees were dark and scraggy and crowded together, barely allowing anyone to see past them. The path was overgrown by vines and shrubbery. Weird animal noises screamed out from deep within the forest, most of which Josh couldn’t identify. Now that he thought about it, he racked his mind and seemed to recall one of the six ponies from before mentioning something about this forest during the tour. What was it they called it? The Evergreen Forest? The Never Free Forest?
“Oh, right, the Everfree Forest!” Josh snapped his fingers, “Quite a stupid name, if I do say so myself, but still an interesting place. I do love exploring, so let’s just see how far I can go before I’m forced to turn back or that annoying Twilight finds me and starts nagging me to death again.” The human found a good-sized stick along the path, which he picked up and began using as a walking stick, not to mention using it as a sword for fighting invisible beings in front of him.
The human continued to walk through the forest, whistling a little tune to himself and not showing any fear about where he was. Of course, this was just a dream, so anything in the forest that was potentially deadly couldn’t really hurt him even if they wanted to. It wasn’t long before he suddenly came to a huge patch of blue flowers, which were no bigger than daffodils.
“Hello…what do we have here?” Josh mused, bending down and poking at some of the flowers with his walking stick, “Pretty little things, aren’t you? In a weird place like this, seeing something pretty and colorful is actually kinda refreshing. Huh…colorful…in a place like this…” The human paused and closed his eyes for a moment. A strange thought had crept into his mind. It was almost like these flowers were the color to an otherwise black and grey forest. Sure, the forest weren’t those colors at all, but Josh couldn’t help but think of how something so colorful and jubilant was located within a place so dull and foreboding. It was so out of place and odd.
“…kinda reminds me of how I’m stuck in a dream world that I don’t belong in,” Josh sighed, looking up at the sky and shaking his head, “I’m just like these flowers. I’m something different located in a place that I don’t belong…it makes you wonder why you even exist. No one cares or even knows about these flowers being here, just like no one really cares about why I’M here in this world. All those ponies care about is getting me to see ‘their way’ of thinking and making sure I ‘behave myself’…I’m not wanted, so I’m gonna make it clear that I do not like it here. Why like a place that doesn’t want you?”
The human shook his head again and reached down with his hand to gently stroke one of the pretty blue flowers. As his fingers grazed the petals, he felt a weird tingling sensation spread throughout his body. It was a sensation that he had never felt before; almost like a feather was slowly creeping its way from the top of his head to the bottom of his toes, but from the inside and not the out. When he removed his finger from the flower, the feeling went away.
“Weird…so weird…” Josh muttered, standing back and stretching, “Well, whatever…see you later, flowers.” He smiled weakly down at the patch of strange, blue flowers before politely going around them to continue on with his walk, since he didn’t want to step on or wreck the pretty plants.
While continuing to walk along, Josh noticed something resembling a house coming up rather quickly. Slowing up his pace, Josh hesitated upon going any further. It seemed that, even in this deep and dark forest, that he wouldn’t be able to avoid ponies. This instantly drove him crazy, since he was seriously tired of colorful talking ponies that were always telling him how to act. He seriously considered just turning around and heading back the way he came, but something seemed to be telling him to check the strange house out.
“I KNOW I’m gonna regret this, but…oh, screw it, may as well make another pony freak out at the sight of me,” Josh grumbled, using his walking stick now like a cane as he ambled slowly towards the house. As he got closer, he realized it was more like a hut rather than a real house, and the decorations were incredibly strange. The colors were very different from the ones he saw in Ponyville. In fact, the entire hut itself seemed so out of place from what he had seen thus far. This got Josh very intrigued as he drew himself closer and closer to the door.
Upon stepping up to the door, Josh hesitated to knock or make himself known, so he eavesdropped a little bit first. He laid his ear to the door and tried to listen to what was possibly inside. At first, all he could hear was the slight bubbling of something, possibly a pot of water or a cauldron. Then, he thought he could hear someone chanting or murmuring something. Once again, the voice sounded so…different. Something was telling him that this might not be a pony at all, but if it was, it was certainly not like any of the others. This got the human even more intrigued.
“Okay…you can do this, Josh…” the boy sighed, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, “You’re just gonna knock on the door and say hello…nothing wrong with that. It’s probably just a stupid pony who is obsessed with being weird…wouldn’t shock me to see one of those types in a world such as this. Just knock on the door, introduce yourself, and then be on your way…you can’t run from that stupid Twilight forever. Until you wake up from this dream, she’s all you have to rely on.”
Very slowly, Josh made a fist with his right hand and lifted it up to the door. He softly made some taps on the door, before increasing them to be a bit louder and heavier. He had no idea why he was so nervous and why he had lost all his bravado from before. Plus, why was he so worried what others thought of him? He was who he was, after all, and no person or pony could change him; it was up to him to change, if he ever wanted to. He glanced down at the doorstop and muttered to himself, just before the door slowly creaked open.
There, standing in the doorway, was…what WAS she? Josh immediately guessed that she was a zebra, but…she also looked like a pony, too. She was basically the same size as a pony, but she had the colors and looking of a zebra. She had a weird Mohawk for her mane, which was a first for Josh to see in this new world. She had shiny yellow rings around her neck, around one of her legs, and for earrings. She also appeared to have a cutie mark on her flank, which seemed to be a sun or something. Still, as soon as he laid eyes on the girl, Josh realized that she was very different.
The zebra stared up at the human, who stared back intently at the zebra. Since this was the first time either of them had seen the other, they were both honestly shocked to see that neither of them seemed to be scared or even weary of what the other was. In fact, the zebra looked a bit fascinated at seeing Josh, and soon she was smiling up at him.
“This is quite an interesting surprise,” the zebra spoke, “May I ask who it is that has graced my eyes?”
“My…my name is Josh,” the human stuttered, slightly unnerved how this zebra girl didn’t seem to be scared of him, and how she casually and politely asked who he was without immediately jumping into a bunch of annoying questions.
“Josh…a very unusual name…but then again, mine is much the same,” the zebra nodded, “My name is Zecora, and this is my home. Tell me, for what reason did you come out here to roam?”
“Um…aren’t you…kinda…confused about exactly what I am?” Josh questioned, “Why aren’t you asking me what type of…creature…I am? Why aren’t you quickly locking your door in fear? Why aren’t you acting more…you know…cautious?”
“I can read your emotions within your eyes,” Zecora said calmly, “What I see does not lie. While it is true I have not seen one such as you before, such a fact is not a reason to quickly lock and barricade my door. Would you perhaps like to come inside, which would be a lot better place to confide?”
“First, you don’t get freaked out by a complete stranger at your door, which happens to not be a pony,” Josh said sarcastically, “Then, you openly invite that very same alien into your home without even asking questions? What’s your game, Zecora? Are you a mad scientist who is thrilled to have found a new test subject? Or are you perhaps mocking me, thinking that I’m completely pathetic and could not possibly bring any harm to you or your home.”
Unlike all the ponies that he had previously met, Josh was stunned to find that Zecora didn’t glare at him, nor did she make an immediate angry retort. Instead, the human boy was met with the same calm, collective stance that Zecora had displayed from the very beginning. She took Josh’s sarcastic remarks and seemed to brush them aside, or just accepted them for what they were and didn’t get mad at Josh for speaking what he wanted. Naturally, this shocked the human.
“If you do not wish to come in, that is up to you,” Zecora said, staying in her calm stance, “You are free to decide what it is you wish to do. If you wish to talk, please come in. If not, I hope to see you again. But you have come all this way, so perhaps you should rest; conserving your strength in the Everfree Forest would be for the best.”
Once again, Josh was at a loss for words. This zebra spoke so maturely, so wisely, and so calmly. Even if the human WANTED to be rude to her, he wasn’t sure if it would matter. The only reason he ever spoke rudely, to either humans or ponies, was to make sure they understood his point. He tried to speak nice in the past, not to mention he tried to be a sweetheart to everyone he met. But, all he got in return was abuse, so it turned him into the sarcastic, outspoken boy he was now. With Zecora, since she was speaking with respect, yet maturity, Josh had a harder time being mean.
“Okay, fine…I’ll come in then,” Josh muttered, rubbing the back of his head and feeling highly awkward that he was addressing coming into a zebra’s hut, “As long as you’re sure about this.”
“I am very sure, do not fear,” Zecora smiled, stepping aside and raising a hoof up to beckon Josh into her home, “I am very interested in what I might hear.” With a slight nod, Josh bit his lower lip and gently stepped into the small hut.
Josh had never seen a stranger house; then again, his home was on Earth, so that was only natural. The inside of Zecora’s small hut was filled with vials of potions aligning the shelves, not to mention jars filled with odd or strange ingredients. There was a giant cauldron in the middle of the one-room house, which was bubbling calmly with some kind of clear blue concoction. Oddly-colored masks and other foreign décor filled the rest of the little hut, along with a small bookcase, which Josh guessed was filled with spell books or other scriptures pertaining to enchantments. The human was guessing that this zebra was kind of shaman, potions maker, witch, or something similar along those lines.
“Very interesting house,” Josh mused, standing in the middle of the room and glancing around with interest, “It’s so…well, different.” He was trying to talk politely and not insult Zecora’s house. Deep down, Josh found the place slightly creepy, and he was somewhat concerned about his wellbeing while being in that hut. For all he knew, Zecora could be waiting for the right moment to try and poison him, or turn him into a toad, or perform some kind of evil incantation to do something horrific to his body. However, as with Apple Bloom, there was just something about Zecora’s personality that was making Josh behave himself, at least for the time being.
“By ‘different’, I can guess what you mean,” Zecora said, “This place is a lot more than it may seem. It may be my home, but it is much more than that. Would you like something to drink? My home is your welcome mat.”
“A drink? Ah-ha, I knew it!” Josh gasped, “You’re gonna try and poison me, aren’t you? Or you’re gonna knock me out with some sleeping potion! I may never wake up again if that happens!” The human quickly got into a defensive position, half-expecting the zebra to start attacking him with magic or some other unseen force or weapon. However, once again, he was shocked when Zecora just sighed and sat down without doing anything of the sort.
“If you did not want something to drink, a simple ‘no thank you’ would’ve worked, I think,” she said softly, “You have no reason to fear me, my friend; shall we sit down and talk to make such thoughts end?”
“…do you always talk in rhyme?” Josh asked, still standing up and being a bit defensive, “It’s not annoying or anything…I just find it fascinating. Back where I come from, no one talks like that.” In response, Zecora chuckled and sat down on a small blue cushion that was on the floor.
“Much like yourself, Josh, I am quite different from the ponies,” she explained, “However, just because I am myself, that does not make me a phony. I am who am I am, and I always will be; the fact I speak in rhyme is a part of my life, you see.”
“Oh…well, uh…you know, I think I WILL take something to drink, Zecora,” Josh muttered, rubbing his forehead and, for once in his life, really starting to feel like an ass, “I’m sorry about those accusations and for questioning how you talk…I’m just an outspoken person, you see.”
“That is quite alright; do not worry yourself about that,” Zecora smiled, rising from her cushion and trotting over to a small makeshift fireplace, “Allow me to make us some herbal tea; I’ll have it going faster than a mouse being caught by a cat.”
“Thanks,” Josh mumbled again, looking behind his back and seeing a small, beautifully-crafted wooden chair. It only came up to his thighs, and it looked fragile enough to easily be broken by a 150-pound human. However, when Zecora noticed Josh eying the chair, she looked up from her teapot that she was settling over her small fireplace and smiled at him.
“That chair was crafted using the strongest wood in Everfree,” she explained, “Big or small, it will support your weight; try it and see.”
“I highly doubt you’ve seen any creatures that weigh 150 pounds,” Josh said, poking at the chair with his foot, “But…well, if you say so; I’ll take your word for it.” Nervously, he turned around and timidly sat down on the small seat. Shockingly, he felt the wooden chair easily support his weight, and it would probably even hold two more humans his size. As the shocked boy made himself comfortable on the strong chair, Zecora was busy brewing the herbal tea. While she did, she glanced back and made idle chatter with the human.
“So, Josh, if it would not be too much to ask,” the zebra stated, “Maybe you would tell this curious zebra about your task? Why is it that you are out here all alone? Serious bravery coming here is what you have shown. Was there a reason that you came here, or maybe not? If I am asking too much, do tell me to stop.”
“Oh, no, it’s fine…ask what you want,” Josh said, blinking slightly as he observed the zebra, very mystified to why Zecora wasn’t questioning just WHAT he was by this point, “I only came to this forest to get away from…uh, Ponyville. You see…those ponies were just getting on my nerves, and I just HAD to get them out of my hair, at least for a little while. A guy like me can only take so much before he snaps.”
“I see…so, you decided to take a little walk?” Zecora asked, smiling as steam began rising from the teapot and going to get two teacups from a small wooden table, “Perhaps it was fate, since now we get to talk.”
“Uh, yeah, I guess…” Josh muttered, now twiddling his fingers and propping his left leg up over his right as he sat on the seat, “I suppose I owe you a deeper explanation than that, Zecora. After all, you ARE being kind and generous to me, so the least I can do is return the favor and explain the whole situation.” As he spoke these words, Zecora poured two cups of boiling-hot herbal tea with by grasping the teapot with her mouth. She then put both cups onto a large saucer before putting the saucer into her mouth and carrying it over to Josh.
Without saying a word (or perhaps because her mouth was momentarily full), Zecora set the saucer down onto the nearby small table. Then, after some minor adjusting, she sat back down on her small blue cushion on the opposite side of the table while Josh was perfectly fine where he was. Josh, being a gentleman for once, allowed Zecora to take her choice of cup before taking the second for himself. For some odd reason, Josh still wasn’t being himself. Normally, he would’ve explained how much he honestly hated tea and refused to drink it. However, Josh couldn’t find it in his heart to do anything mean at the moment. Was Zecora already casting spells on him that he didn’t know? He wasn’t really feeling sick. Sure, he was feeling a bit dizzy for some reason, but he only just realized that. Regardless of the way he was acting, Josh soon lifted his cup of tea to his mouth and took a sip.
“Mmm…that’s lovely, Zecora!” Josh smiled, licking his lips as the tea burned his throat on the way down. He wasn’t lying. Even though he still didn’t like it that well, it wasn’t terrible, and he was much too nervous to really say anything negative to this hospitable zebra. Then again, Josh very well could’ve just drank some poison or sleeping potion, as he first suspected, but he had put those thoughts mostly into the back of his head by this point.
“I am glad you like it; I don’t usually have more to make tea for,” Zecora said, leaning up on her cushion and using both of her hooves to lift up her teacup as she herself took a drink, “I must admit it is nice to have company; save for Apple Bloom, getting others here is quite a chore.”
“Apple Bloom? Oh, yeah, I met her earlier,” Josh chuckled, taking another sip and forcibly trying to make himself like the stuff, “She’s quite a nice little filly. She’s you friend, I presume?”
“Friend…yes, I think that would be right,” Zecora said, closing her eyes for a moment, “Apple Bloom is a sweetie, not to mention quite bright. She always comes to see me, sometimes with Twilight Sparkle and her own friends. Having them seek me out, for whatever purpose, usually leads to a happy day’s end.”
“Happy day’s end? So…I’m guessing that means that you really value them as friends, eh?” Josh asked. For a moment, Zecora sat silently, just staring at Josh and looking him over. The human stared back and gave the zebra the same treatment. Eventually, Josh realized that he had yet to explain himself, so he should probably do so before the conversation lingered any further.
“Zecora, I still owe you that explanation, so here it is,” Josh began, leaning back slightly and randomly taking sips of the herbal tea, “You see, I’m a human. I’m 20-years-old, even if I don’t look it, and I come from a planet known as Earth. I’ll be the first to tell you that…it’s not all that great of a place. There’s violence, crime, pollution, global warming, songs being sung by males who look like girls, and much more horribleness that I don’t wish to describe. But, whatever the case, it’s still my home.”
“I won’t go into everything that my world has, since it would take months, but I will explain what happened. You see, I was watching my television…which is basically a big, square, metal box that displays images of things…and it blinded me with some kind of rainbow or something. The next thing I knew, I blacked out and found myself here. When I woke up, I found Twilight Sparkle and her friends all looking at me like I was some kind of freak, and began bombarding me with stupid and annoying questions. I tried to be nice, but they eventually aggravated me to the point of no return.”
“I’ll admit that I may have acted…kinda mean…but, they deserved it! Do you know how it feels to be looked at like you’re a little kid? Or a monster? Or a freak? Well, it sucks! So, I gave them a taste of their own medicine; if they’re gonna treat me like I’m just an alien and I’m a danger to this world, then I’m gonna act how I want to and ain’t nobody gonna stop me. They gave me a tour of Ponyville, and then I kinda lost my mind for a moment and…thought that all this was a dream. So, I then proceeded to run away, which is how I got here. I suppose I was having a mental lapse and just needed to get away from it all. I hope you don’t think I’m a bad person now that I told you all that.”
After Josh was done talking, he noticed Zecora staring into his eyes, reading him. She stared deeply and intently, and never blinked. Was she trying to see if he was telling the truth? Was she hypnotizing him? Was she seeing if he was really good or bad? Or was she just…staring? Josh had no idea, but staring back at the zebra was making his chest fill with butterflies and making him nearly choke on his next sip of the hot tea. Why wouldn’t she stop staring at him? It was really starting to freak him out; no one ever looked at him like that. No human males, no human females, no animals, not even his own mother ever looked at him like that before in his life. It was so…different.
“Josh, allow me to explain something that is most certainly true,” Zecora finally spoke up, setting down her teacup, “But, whether you believe it or not or want to listen is entirely up to you.”
“Okay…shoot,” Josh muttered, trying to avert his eyes from Zecora’s. Slowly, the zebra rested her hooves on her lap as she wiggled some more on her blue cushion. Then, she began to speak again.
“You and I…we are very much the same,” she whispered, “The only thing different between us is our names. We are vagabonds, outsiders, who came from a faraway place, in this world full of different species and race. However, it is clear that I am not a pony, so once I came here, I was quite lonely. Because of where I live and my choice of work, Ponyville would run and hide when I came to lurk. I look very different, and my voice is not the same…but where my outwards appearance belies what lies beneath, I live by my name. I am Zecora, and I may not have much fame…but on the inside, no matter who you are, we are all the same.”
“Josh, please realize that I was treated the same as you; when I came to Ponyville, I was made out to be a monster, too. We might have different coats, different hair, different voices, and different thoughts, but love and friendship is something that can never be bought. While it is true that you should not judge one before you know who they are, you must give a little to show that you want to go far. We are the same, this much is true, but what happens from here is up to you. Twilight and her friends apologized to me when there was no inevitable danger in sight for them to see. Until you can go home, what will you do? If you continue to live in pain, each day you shall rue.”
“In…in pain?” Josh growled, clenching his fists as he put down his teacup to avoid it from breaking, “What the heck do YOU know, huh? Who are you to…?”
“Josh…you need not lie to me,” Zecora said softly, once more returning to stare into the human’s enraged eyes, “I am no mind reader, but I can still see. Your eyes and your heart, they are quite on-edge; it is almost like you are living life on a ledge. Let me ask you a question, answer it if you desire, but only afterwards may you then call me a liar.”
“Okay, fine, shoot!” Josh snapped, crossing his arms and glaring at the zebra. Zecora was silent for another moment, slowly taking another sip of her own tea, before she stared solemnly at Josh.
“What is it that you want in life?” she asked, “Why do wish to own a heart filled with so much strife?”
“What the heck are you saying, zebra girl?” Josh frowned, “My heart is not filled with…” However, at that moment, Zecora rose from her cushion and slowly walked around the table towards the human. Josh immediately went defensive again, expecting to be attacked, but all Zecora did was lay a hoof on his left hand while staring up at him.
Josh stared down at her, and the room started to spin for a moment. Zecora was so close, and now she was touching his hand. What was her DEAL? Why couldn’t she just leave him alone and shut up? What business was it of hers why he wanted to live the way he did? His father never cared, his so-called friends back on Earth never cared, his so-called family never cared, and his mother hardly cared most of the time, too. Why would he bother listening to a zebra from a world full of girly horses? For a moment, he felt like slapping the zebra’s hoof away and just leaving, but something was keeping him rooted in his seat. Once again, his heart was filling up with butterflies the longer Zecora stared at him and held his hand with her hoof. He had no idea why he was experiencing these symptoms, but they felt weird.
“Zecora, I…I…you wouldn’t get it!” Josh cried, suddenly clenching his eyes shut as he wrapped his left fist around Zecora’s hoof and used the other one hold his own head, “My life…is a living hell, okay? I hate my life! All my life, all I’ve been is abused…tortured…mocked…and even nearly killed at a few points! All those that I trusted…all those that I loved…all those that I wanted to be with me until my dying day…they’re all gone! I hate them all! My world is filled with nothing but liars, thieves, and jerks; all they care about is themselves. That’s why…I could care less about love and friendship. What good is something that is fake? Believe me, I know it’s fake…I’m 20-years-old, and it feels like I’m 90, from all the abuse I’ve gotten.” Josh began to sob, clenching his teeth as he squeezed Zecora’s hoof even harder.
“I am…life’s scapegoat. When pain happens, life chooses me to take the fall. It hurts…it hurts so bad…all I’ve ever felt is pain. My father assaulted me every day of my life…until he ran away and never came back. My mother is an emotional wreck…who tried committing suicide nearly every day. My family disowned me and made me out to never exist. Through my years of school, all the bullies choose me as their target…because I was too nice. I tried so hard to live a happy life…always being kind to everyone, always showing them respect…but, no, it got me nowhere. I’m life’s scapegoat, after all…I’m a nobody. There is no such thing as love…or friendship…it’s all a freaking joke. A sick joke made to mess with your mind so that you’ll fall victim to it and get hurt as well, which life will then laugh at you before doing the whole thing over again until your dying day.” Tears were now streaming down Josh’s face as he kept his eyes shut; he didn’t want to see Zecora’s expression.
“So…what do I want in life? Why do I want a heart filled with strife? Well…why do YOU care? You’re nothing more than a little talking zebra who lives in a hut in a dark forest inside of a world of nonsense and fairytales. Nothing I say to you will matter tomorrow; you’ll forget all about it. Nothing I say to you will matter when I go back to my world; we’ll go back to our lives like nothing ever happened. Words mean nothing…and never will. Your actions speak louder than words, and I know all the actions that life takes by now…and they all hurt.”
Josh continued to cry his eyes out, squeezing Zecora’s hoof more and more before releasing it altogether and using both hands to hold his weeping head. He leaned down in his wooden seat and covered his eyes with his hands even more as he continued crying, remembering all the horrible memories that he had shut out inside his heart and head all these years. Having this outburst with Zecora had brought all those memories flooding back to him, and it wasn’t helping matters. Zecora herself was just sitting on her haunches, staring at Josh the entire time and not saying anything, allowing him to have his moment.
It was then that Josh began feeling dizzy again, and this time it was a lot more intensified than the previous times. Zecora’s voice now sounded so far away, but he felt her grip his hand and he thought he heard her gasp about something involving “blue stains” and “poison joke”. However, before he knew it, he was drifting away into sub-consciousness, slowly falling out of his chair and rushing down to meet the floor below him. He could no longer hear or feel Zecora, and once he hit the floor, he couldn’t hear or feel anything. A second later, the human boy’s eyes stayed shut as his body went limp and he fainted.
How long was it that he was out? Josh had no idea just what the exact time of his knocked-out stage was. However, what he did know was that he had a dream. A very unusual and strange dream. He thought he saw his own world, planet Earth, alongside the world of Equestria. What was happening? Was there war? Was there peace? Did the ponies acknowledge the humans? Did the humans acknowledge the ponies? Josh seemed to be floating in outer space, as though he were nothing more than an apparition. He couldn’t move his body; every inch of him felt numb and distorted. The more he tried to observe just what in the world was going on with his home and this world of ponies, the fuzzier it got. Then, just like that, the dream began to fade away into the darkness.
“No…don’t leave me…please, don’t leave me…” Josh whispered, trying to move his arm and reach out towards the two vanishing worlds in front of his eyes, “I…I don’t want to be alone…one world or the other, I don’t want this…come back…COME BACK!” His mind went blank as he screamed in terror, both planet Earth and Equestria vanishing as the boy was thrown into the empty black abyss inside the realm of dreams.
Josh opened his eyes and was greeted with the blinding light of reality. He was lying on his back, staring up at what was the ceiling of Zecora’s hut. His body felt very strange, not to mention still incredibly numb. His mind and body both felt lighter than they had ever been before. He also felt hotter than he had ever been in his life, almost as if he was wrapped tightly in a dozen thermo blankets. Josh couldn’t shake the feeling that he was no longer wearing clothes, either, which got him incredibly freaked out.
“I swear to God…if I find out Zecora is behind this…I’m suing her for sexual assault…and possibly sexual harassment as well,” Josh whispered to himself, blinking his eyes rapidly to try and focus them more. Speaking of Zecora, Josh tried flipping his eyes back and forth to see if he could spot the zebra, but his range of eyesight wasn’t good enough to catch her. Plus, his body still wasn’t cooperating with him, so he couldn’t even lift his head to see if he could see the girl.
The first thing that started to come back to him was the feeling in his neck muscles, and slowly but surely the numbing went away, starting from the top of his body and working its way down. When he felt the feeling returning to him, Josh immediately tried to use his hands to push himself up off the floor, since it was clear he was on the floor in Zecora’s hut, but it seemed he still couldn’t move his fingers. When he tried to move his hands, it was like he didn’t even HAVE fingers. It was more like both of his hands had been cut off and all that was left was his wrists. Both of his hands felt…rounded and flat.
“Ugh…damn you, Zecora…I should’ve known that this would happen if I drank some of your tea!” Josh moaned, “I am never drinking another drop of tea as long as I live…now I’m probably gonna have to go see a doctor…and I HATE doctors! If I have to get surgery for my aching body or therapy for the sickening thoughts that are already popping up inside of my head of what you could’ve done to me while I was knocked out…you are SO paying for it.”
“Josh…if you can, please lift up your head,” Zecora’s voice spoke from somewhere behind him, “You will see for yourself the error of what you just said. This was not my doing; it was surely the poison joke. No matter how much I warn, it seems that the flower always gets the last laugh at folks.”
“Stay right where you are, zebra…I’m making a citizen’s arrest on your butt…” Josh growled, trying his hardest to lift his head up and finding it almost impossible, “You’re gonna pay for this…drugging someone isn’t a crime, but it damn well should be! I feel so hot…you KNOW you did something to me, you…you…WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!”
Finally able to lift his head, the first thing Josh tried to look at what his hands, since he was curious as to why they felt so strange. He immediately figured out why when he saw that his hands were no longer hands. Then again, his skin was no longer a nice, creamy white, either. In fact, he no longer looked anything like his past self. In fact, as he peered down at his new body, the first horrifying thought that came into Josh’s head was one that he absolutely did NOT want to think about: ponies. Indeed, that’s what he had become. He had become a pony.
“YOU…YOU…YOU EVIL LITTLE ZEBRA!” Josh screamed, whipping his head around and finding Zecora sitting down with a shocked expression, “HOW DARE YOU TURN ME INTO A STUPID HORSE! ONCE I GET THROUGH WITH YOU, I’M GONNA BE MAKING SOME ZEBRA STEW!”
“Josh, please, calm down and let me speak,” Zecora said, holding her ground and trying to withstand Josh’s understandable fury, “You are justified in what you shriek. However, what you have become was not done by me; if you allow me to explain, the light will be revealed for you to see.”
“I…DON’T…WANT…TO…HEAR IT!” Josh roared, desperately trying to take a swipe at Zecora and finding his movements incredibly sloppy, “DAMMIT! STUPID BODY! YOU’RE DEAD, ZEBRA!”
Josh instantly tried to get to his feet, which were now hooves, and he immediately fell down flat on his face during his first attempt. Still completely enraged, Josh once more tried to pull himself together, but this time ended up stumbling around and crashing into several of Zecora’s artifacts strewn around the room. Zecora herself winced as she watched Josh basically wear himself out, since the stubborn boy refused to relax; he wanted nothing more than to attack Zecora, whom he was blaming for his current culture shock.
After stumbling around and crashing over a chair, Zecora’s cushion, a few kettles, some random artifacts, and a small table, Josh’s anger finally subsided briefly enough for him to take a good look at his new body. As he lifted himself up off the floor from his new crash site in the farthest corner away from Zecora, the former human observed his pony form with looks of incredible distain and rage.
Gone was his near six-foot body and instead he was no more than around a foot or two high, just like Twilight Sparkle and Zecora, and only about two or three feet long. His body was a dark purple, much like Twilight’s, which was ironically his favorite color anyway. He still had his dark green eyes, but his black hair was now a short mane that barely covered his forehead and hardly touched his back. His black mane was now matched with an equally-small black tail. He was at least relieved to find that he didn’t have any girly cutie marks on either of his thighs…or, in this case, flanks. However, what he did have left him even angrier.
“Oh, you STUPID zebra!” Josh snarled, glaring over at the silent Zecora once again, “You gave me wings AND a freaking horn? Wings are manly, that much is true, but you didn’t have to give me a stupid horn on my head, too! This is NOT okay and I’m not having this!”
Indeed, on the top of his head, Josh now had a purple unicorn’s horn, which was about as big as Twilight’s. However, what was odder was that he also had a pair of Pegasus wings attached to his sides, making him look like a smaller, male version of Celestia…in a way. He would later learn that these ponies with both a horn and wings were called “alicorns”, but for the moment, Josh was intent on ripping the horn off his head and getting rid of it.
Zecora continued to just watch and let Josh rant and rave and continue to make himself look stupid. The former human had reached up and, after several tries, finally managed to clumsily grasp his front hooves around his new horn. From there, he had begun pulling, tugging, twisting, yanking, and doing everything in his power to try and get the “girly” horn off his head. He may be a pony at the moment, but there was no way he was gonna stand for looking like a girlish unicorn; horns were obviously for girls. Sadly, he found out the hard way that that was not how it worked.
After ten minutes of constant struggling to rip off his horn, all that Josh managed to accomplish was working up a sweat, giving himself a severe headache, and making himself look like an even bigger moron. His horn stayed right where it was, attached to his head, as though it had always been there. Letting out a furious roar that sounded like fans from an arena, Josh finally stopped his pursuit to get rid of his horn and instead focused on glaring daggers over at his “enemy”, Zecora.
“You…you are SO dead!” he snarled again, weakly getting to his hooves and nearly falling onto his butt as he still wasn’t used to hind legs, “Female or not, I’m gonna tear you apart! First I’m gonna kick your ass, and then I’m gonna bash your face, and then I’m gonna throw you over a cliff! With whatever’s left over, I’m gonna make that zebra stew! Any last words, zebra?”
“…those who are angry always say things they do not mean,” Zecora said softly, not even flinching as she took in all of Josh’s angry threats, “Please, continue to rant at me and let off your steam. I will wait for when you want to talk about this, but if you continue to fail, remember that I always here to give you a lift.”
“A lift? A LIFT?!?! AFTER WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME?!?!” Josh screamed, once more trying to rush at Zecora, but once more falling flat on his face as he had completely forgotten to move his forelegs, “UGH, DAMMIT! STUPID BODY! I DON’T DESERVE THIS!”
“They say that you always get what you deserve, so it would be best to keep your energy and conserve,” Zecora stated, “If you would allow me to explain, dear Josh, I can attempt to soothe your rage. Allowing your anger to consume your judgment is no more than mocking a lion stuck in a cage.”
“SHUT UP!” Josh roared, continuing again and again to try and attack Zecora, but each and every time falling flat on his face and never making ground on the zebra, “I TOLD YOU A PERSONAL STORY, AND YOU USED IT AGAINST ME! YOU AND THE REST OF THIS STUPID WORLD PROBABLY DID THIS ON PURPOSE! THAT STUPID PRINCESS TOLD YOU TO DO THIS TO ME! ADMIT IT!” Seeing that Josh wasn’t going to let Zecora get a word in edgewise that didn’t involve confessing to something she didn’t do, the zebra gave a soft sigh and just decided to explain her thoughts anyway.
“The minor blue stains I found on your hands were obviously done from poison joke glands,” Zecora said, never taking her eyes off the angry male, “Never before has a human came into this forest, especially not one where their heart was at the sorest. You must’ve touched this plant, it’s true, for your hands were colored with the faint hints of blue.”
“Yeah, so what if I did touch a stupid blue flower?” Josh growled, now basically acting like an infant as he attempted to crawl towards Zecora.
“The poison joke plays tricks on those who stroke their forms,” Zecora went on, “They take their victim’s body and distorts and exaggerates it from the norm. Twilight and her friends had the same fate once before, and learning their lesson about the plant was no easy chore. It seems you had quite a reaction to this plant, more than even I could’ve foreseen; you have been turned into an alicorn, which in case you don’t know, is a pony with a horn and wings.”
“…and I’m supposed to believe that a freaking FLOWER did this to me?!?!” Josh snarled, now halfway to Zecora after crawling along with adamant success, “Give me a break! I’m not allergic to a damn thing, and now I’m supposed to believe that some stupid plant somehow managed to change my whole body into the ugly and pathetic form that it is now? I wasn’t born in a barn, you know!”
“Josh, it is up to you whether to believe me or not, but if I was lying to you…for what I could gain, there is not a lot,” Zecora said, still not moving away out of fear of being caught by the angry new stallion, “But, I give you my word that I am not the cause of your pain; think deep in your mind and ask yourself what there would be for me to gain.” At that moment, Josh finally managed to pull himself up to the zebra, and immediately tried to grasp her with his hooves, but found it just as difficult as trying to get a firm hold on his new horn.
“Even if I were to believe you…I don’t care!” Josh snapped, pulling himself up and wobbly standing on his four legs as he glared right into Zecora’s eyes, “I want to be changed back…NOW!”
“If that is what you wish, I can mix up a remedial bath to do the trick,” Zecora continued, tilting her head as she examined the new stallion before her, “I did the same for Twilight and her friends, so it should work on you lickety-split.”
“Good, then do it, and make it snappy,” Josh demanded, trying to sit down and cool off, but ended up yelping as he was still unused to sitting on his new rump and ended up on his backside when he toppled over backwards. Zecora couldn’t help but stifle a little giggle as she watched the former human make a complete fool of himself. Deep down, Zecora didn’t take any of his threats seriously, since she honestly believed Josh was not the violent type and all of his rage was just his pain being let out in a yelling voice rather than a physical assault.
“It will take some time to make, and there is no guarantee that it will work,” Zecora explained, “For ponies, it has been done, but in one such as you, your ailments may continue to lurk. For one who was a human, to be turned into a pony…I am not sure that such a thing can be so easily reversed, but I guess we shall see.”
“Just do it before I make good on that zebra stew idea,” Josh grumbled, “I don’t want to spend another second in this horrid body. I wonder if this is what death feels like…if it is, it’s a certainty that I’m in the opposite place than heaven, that’s for sure!” Zecora thankfully chose to ignore Josh’s whining as she turned and softly trotted towards her bookshelf while letting the former human stew in his seat.
As Zecora searched for her book of mystical remedies, which she had used once before when Twilight and her friends had fallen victim to the poison joke, the zebra couldn’t help but glance over at Josh now and then. Now since he was a stallion, he was basically her size, give or take an inch or two. Josh was basically grumbling the entire time, mumbling things under his breath while randomly casting angry glares down at his new body and sometimes using his hooves to slap whatever part of him was pissing him off most at the moment. In a way, Zecora thought he was kinda…cute.
However, just as Zecora was pulling down the book for strange remedies, there came another knock at her door. Despite the fact that Josh growled at Zecora to keep going with the antidote for his little “condition”, the zebra shaman was much too polite to ignore a guest, especially since she had a good idea of just who it was and why they were there. When she opened the door, she smiled when she saw that it was none other than Twilight Sparkle, along with all of her friends.
“Ah, Twilight and friends, what a pleasant surprise!” Zecora chuckled, feigning ignorance as to why they were there, “I was just about to go out and get some supplies.”
“Hello, Zecora,” Twilight sighed, “We’re sorry to bother you on such short notice, but we’re kinda looking for somepony…well, not exactly a pony, but…”
“Guess again, nerdy!” Josh snapped from inside the house, instantly shocking the purple unicorn. Almost immediately, Rainbow Dash flew past Zecora and whipped her head around crazily for sight of Josh.
“Where are you? Get out here so I can kick your butt for what you said about Twilight and me!” Rainbow Dash snapped, her eyes finally landing on the dark purple male alicorn, “Uh…who are you?”
“Take three guesses, you stupid Pegasus, and the first two don’t count,” Josh growled, trying to flip off the Pegasus but loudly whining when he was once again met with the realization that he HAD no fingers. Allowing the stunned six of ponies into her house, Zecora watched with slight amusement as Twilight, Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Rarity all raced in to join the stunned Rainbow Dash in staring at the new alicorn sitting before them.
“Oh my…um, what happened?” Fluttershy asked, weakly moving a bit closer to get a better look.
“I touched some stupid blue flower and it apparently turned me into this hideous form!” Josh grumbled, “Take a picture, it’ll last longer…even as a dumbass pony I STILL get treated as a sideshow attraction.”
“Ya touched poison joke and this is what it did to ya?” Applejack blinked, trotting a bit closer to admire Josh’s new form as well, “Whoa…ain’t never heard of THIS happenin’ before…probably ‘cause we ain’t never seen a human before.”
“Is this why you came to see Zecora?” Twilight ventured.
“No, I came here randomly while going for a walk to get away from YOU nagging horses!” Josh growled, crossing his forelegs irritably, “I touched some of…poison joke…and while having a little chat with our resident creepy zebra, I fainted. When I woke up, I was a hideous horse…damn this coat is hot! Where’s a razor when you need one?”
For a moment, the six ponies in front of the angry Josh remained stunned by this new situation. They had honestly come looking for Josh after getting a hint that he was seen heading in the direction of the Everfree Forest. After recovering from the humiliation that Josh inflicted on Twilight, and after Twilight had went to get the rest of her friends for backup, the team of six had set out to retrieve the feisty human. This was the last thing they were expecting to find.
“This is…this is…SO COOL!” Pinkie squealed, finally bouncing up to Josh and smiling right in his face, “Now you’re one of us! Now we can play and have lots of fun, not that we couldn’t before, but now even more so! Ooh, how about a party to welcome you to Ponyville as a resident pony?”
“How about you get out of my face before I knock out a few of your teeth?” Josh snarled, glaring back at the bouncing pink pony, “I am NOT okay with this…AT ALL! This is beyond a humiliation and I am never gonna get rid of these mental scars. Once Zecora makes me that antidote bath or whatever, I’m turning myself back to normal. I refuse to be seen in public in this wretched form!”
“Oh, but darling, you look…very charming,” Rarity smiled, circling Josh and admiring his mane and tail, “Despite your…foul mouth and horrid attitude…you fit in perfectly now! You MUST let me fix up your mane and make you a nice outfit; I don’t get to work that much with stallions, you see.”
“But…huh…you have both a horn AND wings…but no cutie marks,” Twilight pointed out before Josh could interject with an insult directed at Rarity’s statement, “This is…fascinating! Josh, you MUST let me study you! I must understand what this all means!”
“It MEANS that my name is Joshua Schwartz, I’m a human, and a stupid blue flower turned me into a stupid pony without stupid tattoos on my thighs and with stupid wings and a stupid horn!” Josh said sarcastically, “What more do you want to know, genius?” However, his words seemed to fall on deaf ears, as all six ponies were now far more interested in him than before.
“I HAVE to teach you how to fly!” Rainbow Dash grinned, poking at Josh’s wings, “It’s SO awesome!”
“Um…if you like…I could introduce you to my animals later on…if that’s alright,” Fluttershy smiled.
“Darling, you and I…we’re gonna do MANY fashionable things,” Rarity grinned excitedly into Josh’s face.
“We’re gonna party the night away…and then the morning and afternoon away!” Pinkie cheered.
“Maybe now you’ll come to understand us ponies better…Joshy boy,” Applejack smirked at the alicorn.
“I can’t wait to learn more about how this happened and what your magic can do!” Twilight gushed.
“Either I’m gonna be sick and puke my lungs out…or I’m gonna be kicking six pony butts in a second,” Josh muttered, but once more his words shockingly went unnoticed or ignored as the group of ponies continued to surround him with great interest. Despite his rage and his anger, a tiny part of Josh was actually somewhat happy that the six ponies surrounding him seemed to be happier that he was around, even if it DID take him to undergo metamorphosis for it to happen. Even though he still wanted to kick some pony butts, a flicker of a smile played at the edges of Josh’s mouth, while Zecora stood back and just smiled while observing the scene. She would wait to get those poison joke cure ingredients.
“That’s right, Josh, when you move one of your forelegs, you move one of your hind legs at the same time,” Twilight explained, slowly leading the new stallion back through the Everfree Forest, “Remember, all four of your limbs are connected, so you must move in sync to keep yourself balanced and upright.”
“Gee, thanks, Twilight Sparkle,” Josh said sarcastically, moving incredibly slowly as he tried to just imagine himself as a dog while ignoring everything Twilight said, “Now, how about you hold still while I attempt to make a fist with these stupid hooves and show you exactly what I can DO with said fist.”
“Joshy boy, as a pony, ya’ll need to learn the proper way of kickin’ somepony’s flank,” Applejack chuckled, “Use yer hind legs fer that, not yer forelegs.”
“Very well then…get behind me so I can test my kicking power,” Josh smirked, glancing over at the cowpony. Once again, despite his obvious threats and insults, the six ponies surrounding him didn’t seem to be taking him that seriously anymore. They were all still too fascinated by the transformation of the former human and how they would get a chance to show them exactly why they valued friendship and love so much.
After finally saying goodbye to Zecora, the group of six (plus Josh) decided to head back to Ponyville to reacquaint Josh with his temporary home and to maybe make him feel better about himself in his new form. None of the ponies noticed the look that Zecora gave the agitated Josh as he ambled past her; the hint of red on her muzzle and the way her eyes narrowed were rather unusual, even for the zebra. When her seven guests left her hut, Zecora shut the door and stared down at the floor. She muttered something under her breath, then went to go clean up the mess that Josh left behind.
Back on the Everfree Forest path, Josh was still getting used to walking as a pony and not as a human. Sure, during his entire life, he HAD walked on all fours a lot of times for various reasons, but this was far from that. It took him quite a while to get into a rhythm of walking with his four new legs and hooves, but he eventually began to get better at it. However, that was just the start of his uneasiness and the former human’s problems.
“Good, you’re starting to get the hang of walking like a pony,” Twilight smiled, having paid close attention to Josh’s trotting style, “Don’t forget, you also have wings and a horn, too. The only other two ponies in all of Equestria that I know of that has both of those are the princesses. This must be some kind of sign! Can you feel the magic inside of you flowing into your horn?”
“The only magic I feel is the magic of imagination,” Josh growled, “And my imagination is giving me many interesting thoughts on how to torture each of you six annoying horses so that you will forever be sorry for ticking me off. So far, bondage and spanking paddles are coming to mind. Do any of you know where I can find some rope and some small oars?”
“Oh, Joshy, you’re such a kidder!” Pinkie giggled, playfully leaping onto Josh’s back and ruffling his mane, “How about later on I teach you how to make cupcakes?”
“Forget it, Pinkie; I’m taking him for a fly around Ponyville!” Rainbow Dash grinned, “It’ll be so fun to watch him eat my dust, but perhaps the joyous feeling of flying itself will make him stop being so crabby and moody.”
“Oh, but Rainbow Dash, I simply MUST tend to his mane first!” Rarity cried, “He cannot be seen looking like a pony off the streets! Oh, it just simply will not do!”
“Not to mention I feel rather naked without my clothes…” Josh muttered.
“Maybe not, but when you’ve worn them your entire life, like I have, you don’t know how weird it feels to not be wearing anything a moment after you discover you’ve been turned into a stupid horse!” Josh snapped, “I really feel like a fish outta water…not really a good feeling.”
“Um…would you maybe like a hug?” Fluttershy asked, glancing at Josh and giving him a warm smile.
“Touch me and you risk serious injury,” Josh snarled, glaring at Fluttershy. However, once again Josh found out that his angry threat wasn’t working as it should’ve been. Instead of Fluttershy getting scared and trying to hide, she just sighed and shook her head.
“Oh, Josh, I’m so sorry…you remind me of this little beaver I met a while back outside my home,” Fluttershy said, “The poor little thing had just been dumped by his girlfriend and was devastated. He was a very mean little boy and tried to take his rage out on everything else around him, but…a little hug and some encouragement was all it took to make him feel better about himself.”
“Not to mention one of your textbook ‘stares’, right, Fluttershy?” Twilight chuckled, giving her fellow pony a gentle pat on the backside. Fluttershy blushed and shyly looked away upon hearing this, but her silence said enough. Josh, however, looked ready to puke again.
“Why did this have to happen to me?” he moaned, staring down at the ground as he walked along, “What did I do to deserve this? Oh, I see, I’m being punished for all my bad deeds. Gee, I’m sorry…I’ve never killed anyone. I’ve never done drugs. I’ve never touched a sip of alcohol. I’ve never raped anyone. I’ve never done ANYTHING to merit such abuse and punishment! WHY is this happening to me?”
“Everything happens for a reason, Josh,” Twilight pointed out, giving the frustrated stallion a gentle nuzzle of affection, “Try to cheer up, okay? Things must get worse before they can get better, you see.”
“And it just so happens that you all start to be nicer to me right after I turn into a pony, right?” Josh frowned, “Don’t you find that just a LITTLE suspicious? If I was still a human, I’d be willing to bet anything that you all would still hate me and want to kick my groin in a few times, too.”
“You’re probably right,” Rainbow Dash snickered, before yelping when Applejack gave her a slap upside the head to make her shut up.
“Joshy, that ain’t true, ya see?” Applejack sighed, “Look, when ya’ll were a human, it was just new to us, that’s all. But, the way ya’ll were actin’ made it harder to try and understand you. We would’ve kept tryin’, really we would…but, now that yer a pony like us, ah think it’s fer the best. This way, you can better understand US…and we can better understand you.”
“Humph…it’s not like it matters anyway,” Josh grumbled, “I didn’t really like my human body…it had so many problems…most of which I will not go into since they’re embarrassing and private. But, all the same, I would’ve sooner jumped off a cliff and stuck my head into a beehive than want to be a stupid, girly pony with sissy wings and a sexual pointy thing that is apparently a horn on top of my head.”
“Well, darling, it happened and you have to live with it,” Rarity sniffed, being firm with Josh, “Whining and complaining about it isn’t gonna help anything or help yourself, so you may as well make the best of what you’ve got.”
“Actually, it CAN help me,” Josh said matter-of-factly, “Allowing me to rage and vent due to my ugly new appearance will let my stored emotions be freed from my body and thus I will not be tempted to keep them locked inside me, since that would lead to me growing more and more pissed by the minute and then I would probably beat your little pony brains out when you’re not looking and that would be a real big mess that I don’t think would be a pretty sight. So, you still think me whining and complaining isn’t going to help? By all means, keep telling me that; it just gets me angrier and makes you six look like even more wonderful punching bags.”
The six surrounding ponies all paused to give Josh looks of fright, annoyance, or amusement, but none of them still seemed to be taking Josh that seriously. After all, if he wanted to hurt them so bad, he would’ve done so long ago. By this point, they were almost entirely sure that his angry words and threats were mainly just bluffs; Rarity even mentioned at one point that she believed that Josh wasn’t the type to hurt a lady. At least not physically, anyway. Until Josh backed up his big talk, the ponies were now trying to just get Josh to relax while pushing his enragement aside.
“…regardless of your anger, Josh, the fact is that you’re a pony and you must learn to live like one while you’re here on Equestria,” Twilight went on, quickly leaping over the same patch of poison joke that Josh had foolishly touched before, “You might want to leap over this stuff this time around, Josh…”
“NO…REALLY, Einstein?” Josh snapped, his voice dripping with obvious sarcasm, “Gee, thank you SO much for telling me that…yeah, I was totally just about to go diving into these wretched blue flowers and start rolling around like a cat on catnip because I am just SO stupid and I have so obviously forgotten what they do. Thank you SO much for sharing your wisdom with me, Twilight Sparkle; what WOULD I do without you?”
“...a little excessive, don’t ya think, Joshy?” Applejack sighed, leaping over the poison joke as she gave Josh an incredulous expression.
“Just as excessive as a bunch of multicolored ponies trying to make me act like a jackass by using these sissy wings and sexual horn,” Josh retorted, awkwardly leaping over the flowers and grunting as he landed on his face, “OW! Stupid body! It won’t listen to a thing I say!”
“Oh yeah, it’s all your body’s fault, right,” Rainbow Dash smirked, mockingly flying in front of Josh and wiggling her butt in his face, “It’s totally not because your anger affected your jumping and it obvious was not because you weren’t paying attention on Twilight’s lecture on how to trot and jump like a proper pony.” As Rainbow Dash had hoped, Josh immediately snarled and tried to swat at the Pegasus, who easily flew out of reach a second later.
“GRRRRR! GET DOWN HERE, YOU WINGED IMP!” Josh roared, desperately bouncing up and down and attempting to swat Rainbow Dash out of the air, “I’M GONNA STRANGLE YOU TO DEATH!” Rainbow Dash, however, made sure to stay just out of Josh’s reach, all the while continuing to mockingly wiggle her rump down at him.
“Nya-nya-nyaa-nynyaaa-nyaaaaa!” Rainbow mocked, sticking out her tongue and making goofy faces down at the stallion, “You can’t catch me, you can’t catch me!” She cast a wink at Twilight and the rest of her friends, who all smiled and returned the wink. Thankfully, Josh was too busy freaking out to really notice the ponies’ secret plan.
“GET YOUR BLUE ASS DOWN HERE SO I CAN KICK IT ACROSS THIS STUPID WORLD RIGHT NOW!” Josh bellowed, continuing to try and jump up and catch the Pegasus, but failing each time as Rainbow Dash simply flew a bit higher with her wings during each of his attempts. It was obvious that Josh was gonna have to use his wings if he wanted to try and catch the naughty tomboy Pegasus, and to do so, he was gonna have to ask POLITELY for help.
When he finally came to the realization that he was gonna have to try and fly, Josh glanced back at his wings and paused. He seriously had no idea what to do. A little over an hour ago, he had been a human. Now, in this alicorn body, he had no idea how to work his other “features”. He muttered something, then grunted and tried to, in the very least, unfold his wings. All he managed to do was make it look like he had a bad itch on his back. The rest of the ponies all giggled while watching the boy struggle.
“Josh, darling…are you sure you wouldn’t like some HELP on how to use those wings?” Rarity giggled, “I mean, it’s SO obvious you want to catch that naughty little Rainbow Dash, but you might need to ask on just what you’re trying to do.”
“Yup, that’s right!” Pinkie smiled, bouncing over and playfully nudging the sweaty stallion, “Ooh, and guess what? It just so happens that Fluttershy has some wings! Maybe you should…ask her for help?” She batted her eyes quickly in front of Josh’s face, giving him one of her famous wide-rimmed grins.
“I…am not…asking…that meek foal…for ANYTHING!” Josh gasped, shoving Pinkie away, “I CAN DO THIS MYSELF!” Despite being tired at straining himself to try and open his wings, he was stubborn enough to keep trying. Pinkie casually picked herself up off the ground and bounced back over to her friends, while Rainbow Dash mockingly sat on a branch in the nearest tree while blowing raspberries down at Josh.
A few more minutes passed, and while Josh DID manage to make his wings twitch and very slightly open up, he was now sweating up a storm and looked ready to faint just from the minimum effort. With each loud raspberry that Rainbow Dash blew down at him, he just got more and more irritated; he desired nothing more than to kick the little Pegasus’ butt. However, when he finally realized that he really had no other choice in the matter, he finally began to suck up his pride.
“…Fluttershy, right?” he growled, slowly turning to look in her direction, “Could you…show me…how the hell these stupid wings work?”
“Um…could you perhaps…say it in a polite way?” Fluttershy asked, giving Josh a warm smile, “I mean, if that’s okay…with you.”
“OH, COME ON!” Josh snarled, “WHY DON’T YOU ASK ME FOR MY BLOOD WHILE YOU’RE AT IT?” However, when he saw the Pegasus tremble and back away from his yelling, he sighed and tried to calm down. “Ugh…Fluttershy, could you PLEASE help me out? I…can’t do it myself…and I really want to teach that Rainbow Dash a valuable lesson on not making me mad. So…PLEASE help me work my wings.”
“Okay, Josh…since you asked so nicely and you have a good reason,” Fluttershy giggled, trotting over to the humiliated stallion and smiling sweetly at him, “Now, what you have to realize is that your wings are a beautiful and amazing part of your body. They are a gift that you should be proud to have. Being able to soar in the skies…to feel the wind rushing through your mane…to be able to sing with the birds…to drift along a snuggly cloud…it’s a magical feeling.”
“Gag me…but go on,” Josh muttered.
“When you feel the love and joy of having your wings, your heart will soar…and thus allow your body to open up your wings,” Fluttershy purred, “That is the first step to being a Pegasus. Now…if you could…try to open your wings…please.” She took a step back and gave Josh an encouraging smile. For a moment, Josh debated on whether to find the nearest cliff and jump off it, or to actually try doing what Fluttershy said. All it took was another glance up in the tree to see that Rainbow Dash was mooning him and slapping her tush with a hoof to get Josh to pick the right choice.
Closing his eyes, Josh grit his teeth and tried to relax his body. He tried as hard as he could to push all negative thoughts out of his mind and only focused on his wings. Deep down, he didn’t really like flying that much; he got motion sickness very easily. Therefore, it was somewhat difficult to really feel any love for flying at all. When a minute passed and nothing was happening, he felt Fluttershy step back towards him and take one of his hooves in her own.
“We believe in you…just open your heart…you can do it,” she whispered, leaning in and giving Josh a little nuzzle on his neck, “You’re alive…and you have wings…you should want to express that joy…to express that love…to not only the world…but to yourself! Now…open your wings, Josh…open your wings and fly.” For a split-second, Josh felt like shaking off Fluttershy’s hoof. However, that was just a millisecond. Then, he finally listened to Fluttershy’s voice and took a deep breath. He felt his heart fill up with butterflies.
Squeezing onto Fluttershy’s hoof, Josh felt his body warm up immensely, his heart leaping into his throat. To his left, he heard soft gasps from Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie and Applejack, while up in the tree Rainbow Dash was loudly cheering. Down near his stomach, he felt an odd tingling sensation that he hadn’t felt before, and when he finally braved a chance to open up his eyes and take a peek, he gasped at what he saw. His purple wings had finally opened up and were now standing at attention.
“I…I did it?” he blinked, completely dumbfounded as he looked at his outstretched wings, “Ha…I did it…I FREAKING DID IT! YEAH, BABY!” For possibly the first time upon arriving on Equestria, Josh let out some happy cheers as he pulled Fluttershy into a crushing hug and twirled her around. “HAHAHAHA! HOW ABOUT THAT, BABY? I GOT MY WINGS OPEN! I TOLD YOU I COULD DO IT!”
“Good…for…you…Josh!” Fluttershy squeaked, slightly turning blue in the face as she gave the excited stallion a very timid nuzzle on the top of his head, “Um…maybe…you…could…let…me…go…now?”
“Yes, I will! I have another Pegasus to punish!” Josh grinned, letting Fluttershy go sailing away and crashing into Twilight a moment later. The stallion eagerly looked up at the smirking Rainbow Dash and rubbed his hooves together. “You’re in for it now, Rainbow Crash! I’m gonna mop the floor with your face before I kick that wiggling butt of yours and then stuff it in your OWN face!”
“Ooh, I’m SO scared,” Dash snickered, stretching her wings and flying off her branch, “So…fly up here and get me then.”
“With pleasure!” Josh laughed, pawing at the ground and licking his lips, “Prepare for your doom, Rainbow Dash! JOSH WILL HAVE HIS VENGEANCE! HERE I…come?” He took a leap up into the air…and promptly splatted right back down on all fours, once again getting a painful face full of dirt and inciting a laughing session out of the flying cyan Pegasus.
“Um…Josh?” Fluttershy spoke up, not realizing she was sitting on Twilight’s back, “You, um, might want to try...you know…flapping your wings and getting airborne before you, um, go after Dash?”
“I see that now, thank you,” Josh moaned, pathetically lifting himself up off the ground and spitting out some dirt, “Gross…tastes like dirt…oh, wait, it IS dirt…dammit, you’ll pay for that, Rainbow Dash! Uh…hey, Fluttershy…how exactly do I fly?”
“Oh! Well, that’s easy!” Fluttershy smiled, still not noticing the annoyed Twilight tapping her hooves on the ground and glancing up at the one sitting on her, “Now that your wings are open, you should be able to feel their presence, right?”
“I can feel something, but I’m not so sure it’s the wings…” Josh snickered sarcastically.
“So, concentrate very hard and focus your energy on the middle of your body…on your wings,” Fluttershy continued, “Your body will do the rest…trust me.”
“Fluttershy…could you PLEASE get off me?” Twilight growled, “Princess Celestia did not raise me to be a cushion for my friends…well, she might’ve at one point, but please just get off!”
“Oh! Sorry, Twilight…” Fluttershy squeaked, quickly getting off her friend and pulling her to her hooves a moment later.
“C’mon, Joshy, I’m waiting!” Dash yawned, still flapping her wings and waiting for Josh, “My butt is SO looking forward that kicking, you see.”
Ignoring Dash for the moment, Josh once again did as Fluttershy said and focused his energy down on his midsections. He channeled his energy into his wings and tried to force them to flap. At first, he barely moved a feather. Then, as he actually began to BREATHE, he felt his wings beginning to finally flap. Then, as Josh grew more and more excited, they flapped even harder. Soon, they were lifting the stallion right off the ground.
“YES! I’M DOING IT! I’M FLYING!” Josh laughed, getting even more excited, “I’M FLYING! I’M FLYING! I’M…” At that moment, Josh turned around to try and face down Rainbow Dash, but ended up smashing his face right into the nearby tree. The six ponies all sighed and did a face-hoof; things were never easy.
“Come on, Joshy boy, use those wings!” Rainbow Dash called out, giving a mock cheer to the angry stallion who had just face-planted into the nearest tree thanks to his clumsy flying, “How much do you wanna bet that you’re gonna ruin your wings and become a laughingstock among Pegasi? I’m willing to wager a good hundred bits on that.”
“Shut your damn mouth before I shut it for you!” Josh roared, glaring up at Rainbow Dash as his anger fueled his flying power, “I was actually TRYING to be nice and do what your yellow girlfriend down there said, but you’ve just got to keep pushing my buttons, don’t you?”
“G-G-G-GIRLFRIEND?!?!” Rainbow Dash screeched, looking down at Fluttershy and hacking, “First you pair me with Twilight, and now…FLUTTERSHY?!?! Er, no offense, Fluttershy.”
“None taken, Dash,” Fluttershy sighed.
“Ooh, and you have buttons on you?” Pinkie gasped, eagerly bouncing up and attaching herself onto Josh’s back, “Where are they, where are they? I wanna push them!” Thanks to the pink pony’s randomness, Josh yelped and very nearly crashed down. Somehow, he managed to continue flapping his wings after all this time, despite still smarting from his face smacking into the tree and from an annoying pony now on his back.
“Listen, you stupid, idiotic party pony!” Josh snapped, craning his head around and glaring at the pony riding his back and currently looking for buttons, “If you do not stop acting like a random ditz, I’m gonna turn you into those damned cupcakes that you love so much! For God’s sake, you’re not even blonde!”
“Who’s God?” Twilight spoke up, very curious as to what being Josh was speaking of, “Here on Equestria, Princess Celestia is our ruler. Is ‘God’ the ruler of your world, too?”
“…that’s a touchy subject that I’d rather not discuss,” Josh sniffed, “In my own opinion, yes, God is the ruler of my world…but, all the same, I’m the ruler of my own PERSONAL world. God is just the guy upstairs who watches over everyone and makes sure the world doesn’t blow up.”
“That…sounds…scary,” Rarity gulped, “I don’t know about this…God…of yours.”
“Ooh, and how does he live upstairs?” Pinkie asked, obviously not caring about Josh’s previous threat of turning her into cupcakes, “Does he live in a tree house? Does he live in your attic? Does he live inside of your head? Or does he live on a cloud, like Dashie?”
“He lives in a place called heaven, okay?” Josh sighed, “When we die, on my world, it’s said that while our bodies are laid to rest in the ground, our souls either go to heaven or to hell, depending on how we lived our life. God is the ruler of heaven, while Satan is the ruler of hell. Not everyone in my world believes this…in fact, I’d be willing to guess that less than half of my world’s population does. But, I myself believe this, so don’t judge me.” Forgetting that he was in a completely different world and thus wouldn’t be judged on what he believed, Josh was instead tortured by more stupidity instead.
“Satan doesn’t sound like that bad of a guy…is hell really such a bad place?”
“How can your soul leave your body? That sounds incredible! I must study that!”
“So, heaven is basically just like Cloudsdale, right?”
“I want to throw God and Satan a big surprise party; they sound like awesome friends!”
“Um, so, do animals go to heaven and hell as well? I wonder which place Angel would go…”
“Do ya’ll think God would go for mah apple pies? They’re the best in the land, ya know.”
“SHUT UP!” Josh screamed, holding both of his hooves over his ears and grinding his teeth together, “YOU ARE ALL DRIVING ME BATTY! CAN WE JUST GET BACK TO WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT BEFORE THIS RANDOM CONVERSATION HAPPENED?”
“YOU brought it up,” Rarity accused.
“And I’M ending it!” Josh countered, turning back to look at the smiling Pinkie Pie on his back, “Okay, Pinkie, so here’s the deal. You get off my back, nice and quick now, and I WON’T have to hurt you. I said I don’t hit girls, and I don’t…but, there are OTHER ways to skin a cat.” Yet again, he realized that he had said the wrong thing when Rarity and Fluttershy both screamed from below.
“Y-Y-YOU WOULD S-S-SKIN A POOR K-K-KITTY CAT?!?!” Fluttershy shrieked, before having her eyes roll up into her head and faint.
“YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY PRECIOUS OPALESCENCE!” Rarity screamed as well.
“Is this what it’s like to be married?” Josh whispered to himself, sighing and hanging his head, “Or is this what it’s like to have a girlfriend? I’ve never had one…and I never WANT one. Girls are nothing but creatures with big mouths that inflict migraines on a guy when they take something the wrong way. You can’t live with ‘em and you can’t live without ‘em…stupid law of the world.”
“Actually, my mouth isn’t THAT big,” Pinkie smiled, having listened in on Josh’s private conversation with himself, “I mean, the last time I tried to fit some watermelons inside, I only could fit in five! I mean, just five? If I had a big mouth, I could fit in SO many more, don’t you think? So, all females don’t have big mouths at all. If you ask me, they have more moderate-sized mouths that…”
“DAMMIT, THAT DOES IT!” Josh snarled, awkwardly bucking his hips and tossing Pinkie into the air, “I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU! TIME FOR SOME PAYBACK!” After the squealing Pinkie was forced off his back, Josh quickly turned in midair and grabbed the pink earth pony with his front hooves before she could fall back down to the ground. Holding the pony under her armpits, Josh glared daggers into Pinkie’s eyes as the pink mare giggled and playfully tilted her head.
“That was fun! What are you gonna do to me now?” she asked, not seeming at all scared, despite the fact that a pissed off former human was holding her and had just recently threatened to turn her into cupcakes. Josh continued to glare at Pinkie, and since Rainbow Dash was still flying nearby, he knew just what to do to get some much-needed vengeance.
“Oh, we’re gonna two games, sweetie,” Josh said coldly, pulling Pinkie right up close to his face so that he could smell her sugary breath, “The first game is done to figure out just how flexible you are. The second game is some target practice. Are you ready to play?”
“Ooh, I LOVE games!” Pinkie cheered, screaming right into Josh’s face, “What do I get if I win?” Slowly, an evil smirk broke out on Josh’s face to replace his angry sneer a moment ago. He clenched his hooves tighter around Pinkie’s arms.
“Sorry…but when I play a game…I don’t lose,” Josh whispered. Then, the first game commenced.
While still flapping his wings to remain airborne, Josh put one of his hooves on the back of Pinkie’s head and forced her to bend her neck downwards towards her hind legs. Using his powerful strength, Josh used his other hoof to lift up Pinkie’s lower torso to meet her head halfway. The stallion then kept both of his hooves moving, one forcing Pinkie’s head further downwards while the other forced her lower body upwards. The form he was forcing her to take looked like a pink ball of fluff.
Since Pinkie was very flexible, Josh was thrilled when he managed to complete the final part of his first little game of vengeance. He managed to eventually shove Pinkie’s entire head right between her hind legs before cramming her face into her own plushy butt. As soon as he did, he quickly wrapped both of Pinkie’s forelegs around her head to keep her face smushed into her own tushy. Then, using his good knot-tying skills, Josh grunted and clenched Pinkie even tighter into her ball form while he used all four of her legs to tie her into a knot.
Wrapping Pinkie’s four legs around her curled-up body and stretching them out, Josh managed to tie them together in a particular way than made it look like Pinkie was hugging her face into her own rump. When Josh finished off tying Pinkie together, he gave a grin of victory and held the result out with his left hoof for all to admire. He had stretched and mashed Pinkie Pie together to form what looked like a basketball or really any kind of ball for that matter. The part that Josh loved most was that Pinkie now had her face trapped in her own butt and could do nothing about it, due to her own legs being the cause of what kept her painfully tied up.
“And, THAT is how you turn a pony into a dodgeball,” Josh smirked, glancing down at the three horrified ponies and their fainted yellow comrade, “Any questions? I’m more than willing to demonstrate this again on any of you. Hey, for all I know, it could very well work out any kinks you might have in your neck or upper back! And it could let you know that you might need to wash your butt more often.”
“Y-Y-YOU MONSTER!” Twilight gasped, “T-t-t-that is NOT possible! Y-y-you could break her bones! Is she alright? She’s still alive, right?!?!” Rolling his eyes, Josh reached down and shoved a hoof in-between Pinkie’s trapped face and her tush. He grunted and, without untying her, managed to move her mouth away from her tush a few centimeters so she could let out a few muffled words.
“Twilight…my tushy…smells like muffins…but it should smell like cupcakes!” Pinkie cried, “How is…that even…possible? I mean…I totally…” However, since he did not want to hear another stupid and random speech about nonsense, Josh removed his hoof and Pinkie’s face was subsequently smushed right back into her tush and was silenced.
“There, happy? She’s just fine…for now,” Josh snickered, slowly turning around and finding the angry Rainbow Dash remaining in the same place as before, “Now, that was the first game…onto the second game. Rainbow Dash, can you guess what I had in mind with my target practice?” He had been expecting Rainbow Dash to quickly fly away or grab some kind of weapon, but she did the exact opposite. She flew down right into Josh’s face, leaving herself only a foot or so away from him.
“You let Pinkie Pie go RIGHT NOW!” she demanded, “You can’t just go tying up our friends into balls and using their legs like that, not to mention shoving their faces into their butts! Let her go or else I’m gonna give you a knuckle sandwich!”
“…are you seriously this stupid?” Josh asked, sighing and shaking his head, “I mean, really? I thought I made my ideas pretty clear, and I’m pretty sure that your friends on the ground know what I’m about to do with my Pinkie dodgeball. Are you so stupid that you don’t see it? Don’t you wanna…oh, I don’t know…try to fly away from me?”
“I DON’T RUN FROM ANYPONY!” Rainbow Dash bellowed, hitting herself on her chest and proudly flexing her muscles in front of Josh, “AND I’M NOT STUPID! I AM RAINBOW DASH, THE GREATEST FLYER IN ALL OF EQUESTRIA! YOU WILL PAY FOR HURTING PINKIE!”
“…well, I tried to make it a fair fight,” Josh shrugged, sticking his tongue out the corner of his mouth as he slowly reared back while holding the Pinkie ball in his right hoof, “Okay, Dash, are you ready to take a fastball? I warn you, I’m no baseball player, but I have clocked at around 60 mph.”
“Uh…fastball? Baseball player? Clocked? What are you talking about?” Dash asked, staring right at Josh and still not moving, “Wait, what are you doing with Pinkie?” Suddenly, her face fell and her eyes slowly rose up as big as saucers. A horrified expression broke out on her face as she gulped and realized that she indeed was in trouble.
“And Josh Schwartz goes back for the windup…and here’s the pitch!” Josh screamed, thrusting his right foreleg forward and releasing the Pinkie dodgeball at the last possible moment. His timing and aim were perfect and Dash didn’t stand a chance.
Letting out a half-second squeak, Dash tried to raise her arms up to defend her face, but she was well too late. The Pinkie Pie dodgeball, ironically used as both that AND a baseball, smashed her right in the face at around 40 mph. Since Josh wasn’t in his human form and combine that with the fact that he was flying and he wasn’t used to his body, he didn’t throw as hard as he could’ve. However, the impact and the result was enough to bring a smile to his face anyway.
As soon as Pinkie smashed Rainbow Dash in the face, the Pegasus’s head snapped back and she was blasted backwards. Since they were all still in the Everfree Forest while this was happening, Dash was sent sailing down the remaining pathway that had yet to be trodden upon by the returning group. The Pegasus felt like her face was numb and thus couldn’t use her wings to brace herself. It was almost as if her life flashed before her eyes…that or she was just seeing stars. Either way, being bashed back by something at a blinding speed, in the face no less, caused quite a landing for the azure mare.
Rainbow Dash, after flying a good 20-30 yards away, was eventually pushed down by gravity. However, since she was still being thrown back at such a harsh velocity, the ground didn’t exactly break her fall; it enhanced it. Smashing down onto the ground, on her backside, momentum roughly dragged Dash along the ground another 10 or so yards before she finally came to a rest. When she did, she was halfway buried into a muddy hole, her mane and tail were both caked with dirt and were sticking up in all directions, her face was numb, her body ached, and she was now left staring up at the clouds in the sky as she tried to recover from what just happened in her new mini crater resting place.
To add extra enjoyment to Josh’s vengeance, Pinkie Pie herself had ricocheted off Rainbow Dash’s face after striking her and had headed downwards…straight towards the other four ponies. Twilight had managed to foresee this coming and had quickly leapt to safety. Fluttershy was still twitching while fainted on the ground, so she was as safe as she was gonna get. Unfortunately for Rarity, she had failed to react in time, and since Applejack was in a defensive position, she failed to save her in time.
Pinkie smacked Rarity in the face a second later, causing the unicorn to let out a squeak of shock and stagger backwards. She then stumbled over Fluttershy’s downed body, and when the Pinkie Pie ball bounced down on top of them a second later, it completed the pile of three ponies. There was now the fainted Fluttershy, the twitching Rarity who was now scared to death that her makeup was ruined, and the Pinkie Pie ball. Josh’s vengeance had gone better than anticipated.
“AND…IT’S A STRIKE!” Josh yelled out, laughing his head off after watching what happened to Dash, Pinkie and Rarity, “OH, BUT WHAT’S THIS? A STRIKE AND A HOMERUN ON THE VERY SAME PLAY? UNHEARD OF! THIS IS GOING DOWN IN THE RECORD BOOKS, FOLKS! I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE! WHAT A GREAT DAY FOR BASEBALL AND VENGEANCE FROM JOSH SCHWARTZ!” Eventually stopping his fluttering wings, Josh continued to laugh his head off as he collapsed back down onto the ground. He was hoping to extra some revenge, but wasn’t expecting THIS. He had seriously outdone himself this time.
“Josh…you are…beyond a doubt…the evilest, cruelest, rottenest, most despicable creature I have ever known,” Twilight said calmly, stepping out from behind the tree she had ducked behind and immediately trotting over to her three downed friends.
“Plus, ah hope yer vengeance was good, since yer about to be gettin’ some home-cookin’ from a rather angry farmer pony,” Applejack growled, pawing at the ground and glaring down the laughing stallion, “Any last words before ah teach ya’ll some manners?”
“Yeah…do you think we could round up some more of you pathetic ponies when we get back to town?” Josh asked, sitting up and smirking at Applejack, “I’m anxious to start this as the newest craze in this stupid world. Tying up ponies and then hurling them into the faces of others and then seeing how many onlookers can get struck! Ah, doesn’t it sound like a lot of fun?”
“No, it does not, and yer about to suffer the consequences of even THINKIN’ SUCH A THING!” Applejack yelled, charging straight at Josh after lowering her head. It was then that Josh finally stopped laughing and realized that he was in big trouble. He still didn’t really know how to use his wings that well, he couldn’t use his magic, and he didn’t have anything to defend himself from what was basically a train charging right at him. He was a sitting duck.
“W-W-W-WAIT…C-C-CAN’T YOU TAKE A JOKE?!?!” Josh screamed, trying to back away, “AT LEAST NOT IN THE FACE, PLEASE! IT’S MY MOST HANDSOME BODY PART…EVEN ON THIS UGLY BODY!”
“SORRY, AH DON’T LISTEN TO THOSE WHO HURT MAH FRIENDS!” Applejack bellowed, beginning to do a 180 degree turn during her charge, “NOW…TAKE THIS! YA’LL THINK YER SO STRONG? YA AIN’T SEEN NOTHIN’ YET, BOY!” Using surprising speed, agility, and dexterity, Applejack turned at the last moment before trampling Josh and instead reared up on her forelegs, at the same time lifting back her hind legs. Josh’s blood ran cold as he didn’t even have a chance to react, much like Rainbow Dash earlier. Plus, just like Josh, Applejack was a hotshot; she nailed her target perfectly.
Applejack’s hind legs met Josh’s face like a freight train would meet a little red wagon left on its tracks. Josh was now the one seeing stars as he was bucked right in the face and sent sailing in the same direction that he had previously just sent Rainbow Dash. Both of Applejack’s hind legs had connected with Josh’s face, but thankfully not his nose or his eyes. He was mainly kicked right in the cheeks, but regardless, it was like being hit with a sledgehammer. Applejack was indeed insanely powerful, and Josh was beginning to realize just how powerful he really was in this new world, and his new body wasn’t really helping matters.
The face-bucking sent Josh flying the same distance that Dash had flown, including when the Pegasus had been pushed along the ground during the end of the assault. Ironically, Dash was still lying in her little pit in slight pain while looking up at the sky, so when the very same stallion that had just assaulted her came crashing down right on top of her a second later, it was clear to see that she was surprised. Nevertheless, when Josh crashed down on Rainbow Dash and was met with those same rosy eyes, he moaned and cursed karma.
“…AJ is scary when she’s mad, ya know,” Rainbow Dash smirked, staring back into Josh’s emerald eyes with the same mockery as before.
“I think…I see that now…” Josh moaned, leaning his forehead down as it touched Dash’s, since he felt nauseated and dizzy after the blow to the face, “Damn…I didn’t know…she was THAT strong…geez…”
“Kinda serves you right…” Dash muttered, for some reason not bothering to push Josh off her, “Now you know how it feels to take a little face-pain.”
“Oh, shut up,” Josh sighed, closing his eyes as he rested on top of the Pegasus. Rainbow Dash just snickered a bit, but didn’t say another word. The alicorn stallion and the blue Pegasus both laid there in the little crater for a while longer, both of them allowing the other to recover before they would get off each other. Despite the fact that Dash was still mad at Josh for his sneak attack, deep down she kinda enjoyed it. It was almost like how she and Applejack got rough with each other sometimes. If only Josh wasn’t such a jerk, maybe they could actually be friends.
“Oh…by the way…Josh?” Rainbow Dash spoke up.
“Yeah, what is it?” Josh responded, his lips barely moving as it seemed he just wanted to take a nap.
“…your flying needs serious work, dude,” Rainbow finished, the same grin stretching out across her face. When Josh said nothing and just remained lifeless on top of the Pegasus, Dash felt proud of herself. She always did love getting the last laugh.
“Evil, heartless, disgusting, and totally rotten! You should be ASHAMED of yourself!”
“Do you even know what you did to my makeup?!?! Just look at my beautiful face!”
“If ya’ll lay one more hoof on ANYPONY, yer gonna feel pain ten times worse than what ah just delivered!”
“Um…perhaps a group hug would work?”
“Could somepony work this kink out in my neck? Having Pinkie launched at me really kinda hurt.”
“I had no idea just how flexible my body was! It was actually kinda fun! Can we do it again?”
Ten minutes later, after Josh had finally managed to roll off Rainbow’s body and the Pegasus managed to lift herself up off the ground, Twilight, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie and Fluttershy emerged from the Everfree Forest to confront the two. They were concerned for Rainbow Dash and were mostly making sure that she was alright, but after doing so, they immediately started berating Josh for his actions.
“Hey…I got kicked in the face by a hotheaded farmer…where’s the sympathy for ME?” Josh moaned, reaching up and rubbing his throbbing cheeks, “My pride was seriously damaged here! Do you know what people back on my world would do if they found out I got kicked by a stupid orange pony with a cliché southern accent? I would be mocked all around Twitter, Facebook, MySpace and everywhere else on the internet! Oh, and probably a good portion of the world itself, too.”
“Despite the fact that I have no idea what any of those things you mentioned are, you deserved every bit of pain issued by Applejack,” Twilight said coldly, “I don’t like violence at all, but what you did to Pinkie and Rainbow Dash…”
“Eh-HEM…” Rarity coughed, pointing to her face, even though there was really nothing visibly wrong.
“…AND Rarity, I think justice was delivered,” Twilight finished, sitting down on her posterior and crossing her forelegs while continuing to glare at Josh, “You know, there’s such a thing called passive resistance when you’re feeling angry. What you display is close to what a certain griffon did when SHE visited Ponyville a while back.”
“Ha…Gilda is a saint compared to Joshy boy,” Dash grinned, once again going right back to mocking Josh. Despite what the stallion had just done to her, it seemed that Dash just never learned.
“Look, I’m sorry for…for…you know what? Screw that!” Josh snapped, sticking his tongue out immaturely at the ponies sitting around him, “I’m NOT sorry for what I did! If you mock me and make fun of me, I’m GONNA deliver swift punishment to your ass! I don’t who or what you are; if you push my buttons, then I WILL snap.”
“You’re totally lying! You DO have buttons!” Pinkie giggled, bouncing up and once again getting her face right in Josh’s, “C’mon, you can tell me where they are; I totally won’t push them! Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!” Josh watched as the pony crossed her heart, made flapping motions with her forelegs, and then poked herself in the eye. He really wanted to find a cliff to jump off after that display of stupidity and nonsense.
“Do you EVER learn?” Josh sighed, “You annoying me about buttons was what STARTED this whole chain of events. It was really your own fault for getting turned into a dodgeball and then having me throw you at this silly flying donkey.”
“FLYING DONKEY?!?!” Dash gasped, her face turning red as she made fists with her hooves, “Oh, that does it, buddy. Put ‘em up! Those are fightin’ words!”
“For the last freaking time, I do NOT hit girls!” Josh snapped, dismissing the bouncing blue Pegasus, “Despite what I just did, I never actually laid my fist…hoof…WHATEVER on any of you. I would never physically strike a female, and I don’t plan on doing it now. Besides, if I did, I just know your obvious lesbian farmer lover over there would kick my ass again with her steroid-enhanced hind legs.”
“Obvious…lesbian…farmer…lover?” Applejack said very slowly, her eyes narrowing tighter and tighter with each word she spoke until they were deadly little slits. If looks could kill, Josh would be a bloody mess at the moment.
“W-W-W-W-WHAT?!?!” Dash screeched again, her face turning an even darker shade of crimson after the newest insult, “F-F-F-FIRST TWILIGHT…THEN FLUTTERSHY…AND NOW AJ?!?!”
“Well, DUH, it’s so obvious,” Josh smirked, turning away from the murderous Applejack and taking his own turn to mock Rainbow Dash, “If you ask me, you would be a perfect mate for most of these dumb friends of yours, but it’s clear that Applejack is your perfect match. You’re both retarded, you’re both powerful in your own rights, you’re both competitive, you’re both brash and annoying, you’re both girls that I would seriously like to throw off a cliff, you’re both always giving each other looks when you think no one else is watching…really, who are you trying to fool? Me, or yourselves?”
A long, awkward, drawn-out silence lingered in the area for what seemed like hours. All 12 pony eyes were staring right at Josh, four of the 12 looking ready to just rip him apart, while the other eight eyes gave looks of confusion, annoyance, and slight amusement. At first, Josh was loving how he was getting under the ponies’ skins, but eventually the silence was starting to creep him out. The looks that Applejack and Rainbow Dash were giving him probably didn’t help his uneasiness, either. Sure, he knew what had JUST happened with Applejack kicking his ass, but due to all the abuse in his life, he was now locked in a mode that prevented him from ever backing down, always speaking his mind, and never once considering any lesson that he probably should learn. Karma never would win over him.
“Josh…listen closely…because I know them better than you do,” Twilight finally spoke, her voice calm and mature as she stepped up to the stallion, “Applejack and Rainbow Dash are about to kill you…well, not literally, but figuratively. Believe me, what AJ just did to you is nothing compared to what she CAN do when she’s REALLY angry, and Dash is possibly one of the deadliest Pegasi that I know. If I were you, I would start apologizing and take back that creepy comment that you just made.”
“Ooh, I’m SO gonna let YOU tell me what to do,” Josh sniffed, reaching over and flicking Twilight on the nose with his hoof, “And I’m REALLY scared of a lesbian farmer who uses her legs to make a point. So, you don’t like violence, huh?”
“Josh…please…I’m begging you…apologize!” Twilight gulped, glancing back and seeing that Applejack was once again starting to paw at the ground and getting ready for a death-charge. Rainbow Dash was cracking her hooved knuckles, along with her neck, and looking like she was Rocky Balboa getting into a fight with Muhammad Ali. Once again, however, Josh didn’t seem scared at all.
“Twilight, allow me to share a line to you that an outspoken fool once spoke back in my world,” Josh smirked, standing up and taking a few steps away from the group, “His famous line was: ‘The only thing we have to fear is fear itself’. You see, this is one reason why I don’t fear anything at all; I don’t even fear death. Well, I guess that’s not entirely true…I will admit I have arachnophobia. But, that aside, the point I’m making is to not be afraid and live your life as a coward or a sissy. I refuse to be scared of two lesbian ponies who want to hurt me, because that which does not kill you can only make you stronger. I know for a fact that you ponies aren’t homicidal, so there’s no way that you’re gonna kill me. So, what is there to fear?”
“Fear of having your body completely mangled and possibly scarred for life?” Rarity pointed out.
“Fear of forever making two enemies that you could’ve been friends with?” Twilight added in.
“Fear of making two ponies very, very sad and not being invited to their birthday parties?” Pinkie said.
“Fear of…just being labeled as a bad pony…and making those around you very sad?” Fluttershy guessed.
“Ugh…you ponies really know how to suck the fun out of a place, you know that?” Josh sighed. When he saw that Applejack and Rainbow Dash were just about ready to destroy him, however, the stallion finally went into action. He quickly walked right up to Applejack and gave her a sad expression.
“What…do…you…want?” Applejack snarled, her voice low and dark as she was now pawing out of a huge hole in the ground. It was clear that she was really gonna put everything into this charge; she wanted nothing more than to give Josh a second lesson in pain that would hopefully knock some screws into place inside of his head.
“Applejack…I…I have something very important to tell you…” Josh whimpered, hanging his head in shame and having his tail dip between his hind legs, “You see…after strongly considering Twilight and the rest of your friends’ words, I have come to realize something very, very important…”
“Oh? And just what might THAT be?” Dash growled, flapping over and standing beside Applejack to join in the glaring at the stallion. Even though she still wanted to put a hurting on the stallion, an apology would probably force her and Applejack to stop. They weren’t really violent; they were simply the elements of honesty and loyalty and took their friendship with each other, and the rest of their friends, very seriously. Josh was not gonna get away with continuing to badmouth all of them.
“Well…you see…my heart has finally opened up,” Josh choked out, lifting his head as tears were sparkling in his eyes, “Applejack…Rainbow Dash…would you take a little walk with me? I…I want to say this properly…and I think this will do me good.”
Applejack and Rainbow Dash continued to glare at Josh, wondering whether to trust him or not, but eventually both girls stopped pawing at the ground and making fisted hooves and decided to listen to what the former human had to say to them. He did really look like he was crying and looked like he had a heavy burden on his shoulders. When both girls gave him a curt nod in agreement to go for a walk with him, Josh turned back to the other four ponies that had been watching closely.
“Please…could you all stay here?” he asked, his voice shallow and remorseful, “I’d rather do this in private…I’m not good at open things. I promise it won’t take long.”
Hearing this made Twilight slightly suspicious, and she turned to Rarity, Pinkie and Fluttershy for help. The four girls whispered with each other for a few minutes, deciding on whether they could let Josh be alone with Applejack and Rainbow Dash for any number of minutes alone. Eventually, the girls agreed that both of their friends could easily handle themselves and wouldn’t need them there if Josh decided to pull something. They also gave Josh nods of agreement.
“Okay…let’s go, please…I have a lot to get off my chest,” Josh sighed, slowly starting to trot along the ground and heading east and away from the Everfree Forest. Applejack and Rainbow Dash both followed after him, one on either side of him to make sure he didn’t try anything. Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie and Fluttershy all stayed behind and watched the threesome trot into the distance together.
“Do you really think Josh is gonna start being nice?” Rarity asked, speaking to nopony in particular, “I shudder to think what will happen if he continues down this path of horrid verbal destruction, not to mention attacking us and putting my makeup in danger.” She continued to whimper and pat at her face while she spoke.
“He seemed generally remorseful…let’s just hope that he’s finally seen the light,” Twilight admitted, giving Rarity a gentle pat on the back, “Should we head home or wait here until they get back? Just to be on the safe side, why not stay here?”
“That’s fine with me,” Fluttershy smiled, taking a seat and wrapping her tail around herself as she got comfy, “Um, what should we do to pass the time?”
“Ooh, ooh, I know!” Pinkie cheered, bouncing up and down and showing no effects of ever being tied up into a painful little pony ball, “Let’s sit in a circle and take turns singing songs about friendship!”
While Pinkie Pie began a sing-a-long with her three friends, Josh had continued to walk with Applejack and Rainbow Dash. For a long time, he said nothing and only continued to sob while staring down at the ground. The three made it over a hill, finally making it impossible to be seen from Twilight’s location, and Josh slowly lifted up his head and began to speak to his two pony walking partners.
“Applejack…Rainbow Dash…I’m so very sorry for everything that I’ve done and said,” Josh said softly, turning to his left and addressing Applejack first, “Applejack, I apologize for calling you a lesbian and for attacking Rainbow Dash. That was very wrong of me and I should’ve executed proper self-control over my actions. I seriously must learn to control my temper.”
“That ya should, Joshy boy, that ya should,” Applejack muttered, even though she seemed to accept the apology for what it was worth. Josh then turned to his right and looked up at Rainbow Dash, who was flying along instead of walking, as always.
“Rainbow Dash, I’m so sorry for pairing you up with Twilight, Fluttershy, and now Applejack,” the stallion continued, shaking his head sadly, “It’s so obvious that you do not like that, and I should’ve taken your feelings into consideration. I am also very sorry for attacking you with Pinkie Pie; fastballs are not even my specialty! But, the point is, I really didn’t mean anything that I did or said to you; you’re a very cool pony and I fully respect you.”
“Humph…yeah, well…I AM cool,” Dash muttered, trying to hide the fact that she enjoyed Josh calling her cool and saying that he respected her.
The group of three continued onward with their walk, trotting down a path and not really watching where they were going. Josh remained silent for a while after delivering his apologies, and Applejack and Rainbow Dash didn’t say anything, either. The two females gave each other glances when Josh wasn’t looking, as though silently asking themselves if they should forgive and forget. Deep down, Applejack was slightly suspicious of how Josh had suddenly done a complete turnaround just from having Twilight scold him and hearing her three friends explain their “fears” if he didn’t apologize. Then again, he still had tears in his eyes and he was making no signs of attacking either pony verbally or physically. Perhaps, no matter what caused it, Josh had finally begun to come around.
“You see…you two remind me a lot of…my brother and sister back home,” Josh went on, speaking in a slightly unusual tone, as though he was forcing himself to give another speech, “Back in my world, I have a 33-year-old sister by the name of Jennifer, and a 31-year-old brother named Jeremy. They…act a lot like you two…and I hate the both of them.”
“Gee, thanks,” Applejack frowned, once again starting to get angry again.
“Yeah, especially since you’re comparing one of us to a male!” Rainbow Dash growled.
“Jennifer is a brash, loudmouthed, and rude person…always speaking her mind, but never caring about hurting others around her,” Josh continued, ignoring Applejack and Rainbow Dash, “Jeremy is…slightly mental and bipolar. He’s violent, annoying, and very destructive. Together, both of them make up a part of my family life that I’d rather not ever associate myself with.”
“And…bein’ compared to the two of ‘em makes it sound like an even bigger insult now,” Applejack groaned, “Joshy boy, what in the world kinda point are ya tryin’ to make here?”
“I think…they take after their father, Randy,” Josh muttered, stopping when he saw that they were about to come to a cliff, “My biological father, Joseph, is an evil man who only cares about money and himself. He was so violent and he abused me many times when I was a young boy. My brother and sister, Jennifer and Jeremy, are both honestly just half-brother and half-sister to me, but we were all born from the same mother. None of us…had great fathers.”
“Josh…” Rainbow Dash whispered, dropping down and standing beside the stallion. She and Applejack gave each other an uneasy look, but still Josh continued with his speech.
“Why was I born with the life I had?” Josh whispered, walking right up to the cliff and staring down into the deep gorge below, “I really didn’t want to be like my older half-siblings…or my biological father. They were…they were so evil. Hell, even Jennifer said that she wished I had never been born, since boys are nothing but trouble. The reason…I said that you two remind me of her and Jeremy is because…well, because even though they both piss me off and they’re both rude and selfish, I…I…”
Josh paused and choked a little as more tears appeared in his eyes. He held a hoof up to his mouth and tried to not break down in front of both females surrounding him, but he was failing. His heart ached when he thought about his life on Earth, and just what a living hell it was. He had a memory like an elephant, so much that no matter how much he repressed his past, he would always remember it. He could remember each insult, each punch, each kick, each threat, each horrifying experience…and they were all real. Forever etched into his mind and heart. But, despite that, a certain door was not yet closed inside of Josh’s heart. He was not a monster.
“I…I…I still WANT to like them,” Josh finished, glancing at Applejack and Rainbow Dash with his face soaked with tears, “You both…I WANT to like you both…but, you just…remind me of my past. But…I really don’t want to push you both away…really!”
Rainbow Dash and Applejack were nearly starting to cry themselves. So, THEY were the ones who were hurting Josh without even realizing it? Were they really the ones in the wrong the entire time? Was everything Josh was doing just him crying out for attention? Did his age not matter; was he still a hurt kid at heart? The two ponies now felt very guilty about everything that they had done, and they both gently trotted forward and gave Josh a weak hug.
“Joshy boy…ya’ll really mean all that?” Applejack whispered.
“Well…the parts about my family, yes…” Josh said, an evil grin suddenly appearing on his face, “The rest of it before then…not so much!” Then, just like that, Josh reached out and grabbed both stunned ponies with his two hooves. He quickly forced Rainbow Dash and Applejack to look at each other before shoving a hoof into the back of their heads and forcing both ponies’ heads and lips together. Josh was forcing Applejack and Rainbow Dash to kiss.
As soon as both girls were horrified, embarrassed, and completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, Josh took this opportunity to try some bucking of his own. He shoved Applejack on top of Rainbow Dash, making the farmer pin the Pegasus down and force her to not use her wings, while he quickly ran behind the orange pony. Giving a wicked shout of glee, Josh reared back and tried to mimic exactly what Applejack had done to him not so long ago. He delivered a swift kick with both of his hind legs straight into Applejack’s butt. His aim was perfect.
Since Applejack had been trying to pull away from Rainbow Dash and the forced kiss, she was slightly holding onto the Pegasus. As such, when she suddenly got a taste of her own medicine, this sent both her and Rainbow Dash sailing over the side of the cliff and causing both girls to shriek and instantly embrace each other. Rainbow Dash was so stunned and confused and humiliated by the entire situation that she still couldn’t react quickly enough to spread her wings.
Josh eagerly peeked over the side of the cliff to watch the ponies’ descent. The stallion watched as the two screaming mares ended up smashing down on a large, flat boulder that was jutted out of the side of the mountain that the cliff was overlooking. As soon as they made contact, both girls were instantly flattened into pancakes. Rainbow Dash was flattened as flat as paper, all four of her legs twitching as the squashed form of Applejack lay squished on top of her. The two-mare pancake twitched in pain as they lay in their new flat forms on top of each other, stuck together like glue and not about to go anywhere for quite some time.
“Ah, yes…one thing I can say that I like about this world is the cartoonish actions that can happen that don’t lead to death,” Josh smiled, wiping his front hooves together after a job well done and turning around, “Maybe this place isn’t too bad after all…well, in a sense. But, all that acting and kicking these fools off this cliff has really gotten me hungry. Man, saying all those fake apologies…man, I just want to wash my mouth out with soap! I don’t know WHY I broke down and told them that painful story of mine, but…well, not like they really care. They deserved what they got.”
Snickering, Josh kicked some dirt off the side of the cliff in a mocking way with his hind legs, then started to trot back to Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie and Fluttershy. Now that he had taken care of the two BIGGEST annoyances, he would feel a lot better about asking Twilight where he could get some food. After all, taking care of business and putting two loudmouthed and rude ponies in their place always got a guy hungry. Surely Twilight would realize this and take him someplace to get a decent meal.
“I wonder if they have any pizza joints around here,” Josh wondered.
“So, let me get this straight…” Twilight said slowly, trying to make sense of what Josh just told her, “You told Rainbow Dash and Applejack just how sorry you were and you also told them a personal story about your childhood, and both girls got so emotional that they had to hurry home?”
“Yep, pretty much,” Josh nodded, “Shame, really; we were getting along SO well, too. But, since it seems I’m gonna be staying here a while, I’m sure I’ll see them again very soon.”
“That…doesn’t really sound like them,” Rarity frowned, “If I know them, and I believe that I do, Rainbow Dash would never get emotional like that…and Applejack? Oh, please; that mare is a lot stronger mentally than most ponies realize.”
“Whatever…the point is, they’re gone now, so can we please just get going?” Josh grumbled, “I’m really hungry here. I really could go for a hamburger, one with ketchup only, if you please.”
“Uh…what’s a hamburger?” Twilight asked, “That…doesn’t sound like something we have here.”
“Oh, you’ve gotta be KIDDING me!” Josh growled, “And I thought this stupid world couldn’t get any worse! You know, a HAMBURGER! Two buns slapped together with a piece of meat in the middle, usually with mustard, ketchup, onions, pickles, and much more on it? I personally just like ketchup, but a lot of people like the rest of that junk and…what’s with those looks?” He just noticed that the four ponies still with him were giving him scared looks.
“Y-y-you…eat…m-m-meat?” Fluttershy gulped, widening her eyes in a terrified way. She had turned pale and looked ready to faint again.
“Uh…well, yes, I do,” Josh admitted, “I’m not a vegetarian. I tried to be, but it just didn’t work; I HATE veggies. I hate fruits for that matter, too. They’re so disgusting and tasteless; it’s like eating grass or books or other tasteless items.”
“B-b-but…meat is made from…from…” Rarity whimpered, taking a step back. It was at that moment that Josh realized just why the four ponies were freaking out. On this world, it was populated by mostly ponies, and ponies were herbivores. On his world, it was populated by humans, most of which were omnivores. Since he was the only human on this world, Josh was dismayed when he came to the realization that he probably wasn’t gonna be getting any meat anytime soon.
“Okay, just forget it,” Josh sighed, not really wanting to freak out the ponies and make them think he was gonna eat them, “I could go without a burger. Um…do you at LEAST have some pizza around here? Or perhaps some spaghetti? Or maybe even macaroni and cheese?” The stallion could feel his anger starting to rise when the four ponies continued to either give him scared or confused looks. It seemed like he wasn’t gonna get to eat what he wanted.
“Hehe…um…say, how about a party, Joshy?” Pinkie said, nervously breaking the tension and going right back into her usual ditzy disposition, “That would be really cool, right? Since you apologized to AJ and Dashie, that means the rest of the town can see what a great pony you are, too! Although, what was funny is that my Pinkie Sense told me that two ponies were turned into pancakes only a few minutes before you came back, which is very odd. Did you see two flat ponies on your way back here?”
“No, I didn’t, and if I did, I think I would know,” Josh chuckled, an evil glint in his eyes as he envisioned the flattened Applejack and Rainbow Dash, “But, no, I don’t do parties, Pinkie. Back on my world, I was the nerd and not the party dude. I prefer studying over partying.”
“You really should get along great with Twilight then,” Rarity giggled, “She’s a regular scholar herself, although Dash tends to call her an egghead.”
“Goody for me,” Josh mocked, “Hey, Twilight, I have an idea. Let’s go back to your library that’s apparently a home and study all your books until you find a way to turn me back into a human. I still plan on suing Zecora, since I don’t trust that zebra, but in the meantime I’m sure that your minimal intelligence and my MASSIVE intelligence will find a way to turn me back to normal.”
“Oh? You’re that smart, are you?” Twilight smirked, raising an eyebrow as she observed the cocky stallion, “You think you’re smarter than me?”
“No, I KNOW I’m smarter than you,” Josh sneered, “Humans are always better than animals at everything! It’s why we’re the dominant species back on my world. Anything you can do, I can do better.”
“Ooh, ooh, let’s have a competition then!” Pinkie cheered.
“Good idea, Pinkie,” Twilight agreed, her smirk never leaving her face as she faced down Josh, “I think a battle of wits will solve this issue and prove just who…”
“Let’s have a sing-off!” Pinkie interrupted, pulling out two microphones and tossing one to Twilight and one to Josh, “We’ll see who can sing the best!”
“WHAT?!?!” Josh and Twilight both yelled at the same time, looking at the microphone that they were now both holding in their right hooves.
“Yeppers! The best way to spread friendship and cheer is singing loud for all to hear!” Pinkie smiled, “You and Twilight sing together! It’ll be SOOOOO cute! Plus, we’ve never actually heard anypony sing who’s a male…”
“Poor Spike…” Fluttershy sighed.
“Indeed, the little darling really should get a chance to sing sometime,” Rarity agreed.
“Uh, no, I’m not singing,” Josh frowned, throwing the microphone down and turning away, “Even though males are better singers than females, I am not humiliating myself in front of four female ponies by singing a dorky song about friendship, hugs, giggles and love. I’d probably puke my guts out before we even got 10 seconds in.” Seeing her chance for an opening, Twilight decided to bait Josh into singing with her. After all, Pinkie had a point; getting Josh to do something with her might open up his heart a bit. That or just piss him off more.
“I can understand if you’re scared, Josh,” Twilight smiled, “I mean, I’m only Princess Celestia’s star pupil and a unicorn with some of the strongest magic around. It’s obvious that you can’t sing better than me, but I respect that you…”
“OH, IT IS ON!” Josh snarled, picking his microphone back up and giving a flick of his mane, “No one calls me a coward and gets away with it, Sparkle! You wanna sing? We’ll sing! I’m gonna rub your nose in it once I squash you like a bug!”
“How are you gonna rub her nose in it?” Pinkie questioned, “If you squash her like a bug, you can’t really rub her nose in anything, because it’ll be flat and therefore wouldn’t really work for rubbing. Also, what exactly would you rub her nose in?”
“…just shut up before I decide to invent a pony-burger,” Josh growled, “Now…let me guess, since this is such a pathetic cartoon world, music will start to play without any logical…” Before he could finish his sentence, background music did indeed start to play out of nowhere. Then, Twilight made the first move while Rarity, Fluttershy and Pinkie all watched.
Twilight: Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you. Josh: No, you can't. Twilight: Yes, I can. Josh: No, you can't. Twilight: Yes, I can. Josh: No, you can't. Twilight: Yes, I can, yes, I can!
Josh: Anything you can be, I can be greater. Sooner or later I'm greater than you. Twilight: No, you're not. Josh: Yes, I am. Twilight: No, you're not. Josh: Yes, I am. Twilight: No, you're not. Josh: Yes, I am, yes, I am!
Josh: I could outlast AJ; I could work the whole day. Twilight: I could fly like Rainbow, faster than an arrow. Josh: I could deal with Pinkie Pie. Twilight: For how many days? Josh: One. Twilight: So could a rat.
Josh: Anything you can say, I can say meaner. Twilight: I can say anything meaner than you. Josh: You’re a dork. Twilight: You’re a foal. Josh: You’re a pest. Twilight: You’re a jerk. Josh: You’re a dweeb. Twilight: You’re a clown. Josh: You’re a gnat. Twilight: YOU’RE A JOKE!
Twilight: Anywhere you can run, I can run farther. I can run anywhere farther than you. Josh: Fifty miles? Twilight: Sixty miles! Josh: Eighty miles? Twilight: Ninety miles! Josh: The hell you can. Twilight: Yes, I can, yes, I can!
Josh: Anything you can read, I can read better. Twilight: I can read anything better than you. Josh: War & Peace. Twilight: Moby Mare. Josh: The Fountainhead. Twilight: Friendship For Fillies. Josh: Finnegan's Wake. Twilight: THE WAR OF THE PONIES!
Josh: I can name butterflies faster than Fluttershy. Twilight: I can be real pretty just like Rarity. Josh: I can open any safe. Twilight: Without being caught? Josh: Duh! Twilight: That's what I figured, you crook.
Josh: Any height you can jump, I can jump higher. Twilight: I can jump any height higher than you. Josh: No, you can't. *he leaps a foot into the air* Twilight: Yes, I can. *she leaps two feet into the air* Josh: No, you can't. *he leaps three feet into the air* Twilight: Yes, I can. *she leaps four feet into the air* Josh: No, you can't. *he leaps five feet into the air* Twilight: Yes, I can. *she leaps six feet into the air* Josh: *he tries to leap seven feet, but can’t* Damn, you can!
Twilight: Anything you can wear, I can wear better. In what you wear I'd look better than you. Josh: In a coat? Twilight: In a vest! Josh: In some shoes? Twilight: In a hat! Josh: No, you can't! Twilight: Yes, I can, yes, I can!
Josh: Any joke you can make, I can make better. Twilight: I can make any joke better than you. Josh: Knock knock. Twilight: Who’s there? Josh: Boo. Twilight: Boo who? Josh: Don’t cry, Twilight. Twilight: That was lame.
Josh: I can jump a hurdle. Twilight: I can wear a girdle. Josh: I can knit a sweater. Twilight: I could make it better. Josh: I can do most anything. Twilight: Can you figure out Pinkie Pie? Josh: No. Twilight: Yeah, I know, neither can I.
Josh: Anything you can say, I can say sweeter. Twilight: I can say anything sweeter than you. Josh: *very softly and sweetly* You’re so cute. Twilight: *also very softly and sweetly* You’re so kind. Josh: *a bit sarcastically* You’re so hot. Twilight: *equally sarcastically* You’re so cool. Josh: *slightly more aggravated* You’re a dear. Twilight: *slightly more annoyed* You’re handsome. Josh: *over-the-top sarcastic* I love you. Twilight: *just as over-the-top sarcastic* I love you, too. Josh: *finally having had enough* Oh, you lie, lie, lie! Twilight: *not backing down* Say goodbye, bye, bye!
Josh & Twilight: *loudly, at the same time* SAY…GOOD…BYE!
“Sorry, Josh, but say goodbye to your win,” Twilight giggled, playfully winking at Josh as the song ended, “I think I very clearly beat you.”
“In your dreams, you insufferable quadruped!” Josh snapped, “You were clearly so off-key and out of tune that it was painful to my ears!”
“Well, let’s let the girls decide, shall we?” Twilight suggested, turning to their three judges, “Rarity, Pinkie, Fluttershy? Which one of us do you think won that?”
“Clearly you, darling,” Rarity said, “If it wasn’t for you, I feared that song would’ve been a complete disaster. I believe you saved that song.”
“Um…well, what matters is that Josh tried his best…but, yes, Twilight won,” Fluttershy agreed.
“It was such a super-duper-awesome show!” Pinkie gushed, “We finally got to hear Joshy sing, and with Twilight no less! Sure, he needs a lot of work to get as good as old Pinkie Pie, but we all have to start somewhere. Twilight, you easily win! Woo-hoo!”
“Oh, screw all of you!” Josh snarled, throwing down his microphone and angrily shaking his hoofed fist at the grinning Twilight, “This is bull! You’re all just sticking up for your friend! I don’t have to stick around for this. You can all kiss my rump, you stupid ponies! See if I ever sing with you again!” With his face slightly red with either anger or embarrassment, he pushed past Twilight and began stomping back to Ponyville on his own.
“Perfect…that worked according to plan,” Twilight smiled, trotting over to her three friends and winking at them, “Even if it wasn’t completely fair, Josh lost to me. So, he had to eat a bit of humble pie, which will hopefully…”
“Ooh, humble pie? Can I have some? Pretty please with sugar lumps on top?” Pinkie cried, putting her front hooves together and batting her eyelashes up at Twilight, “I’ve never had humble pie before, and it sounds very tasty! Is it made from honey? It kinda sounds like something made from a hive. Why did Joshy only get some? Pinkie wants some, too!”
“…which will hopefully finally bring Josh back down to land,” Twilight continued, ignoring Pinkie, “You see, my thought is that he’s so high on himself because he hasn’t really been put in his place yet. Sure, AJ gave him a good shot to the face, Dash teased him a lot, and he’s been turned into a pony…but he’s always found a way to get revenge. Now, since I beat him, I’m hoping this will make him a lot calmer and easier to deal with.”
“I can see your point, darling,” Rarity agreed, “He seems to be the type that’s very proud of himself and highly arrogant. Losing a singing battle with you is perfect for deflating that giant head of his.”
“Um…I’m sorry, but…what if this only makes him madder and he goes on a horrible rampage and hurts a bunch of ponies and then takes over Equestria and makes us all his slaves?” Fluttershy whimpered.
Twilight, Rarity and Pinkie all slowly looked at Fluttershy as those she had completely lost her mind. The yellow Pegasus whimpered a bit and cowered at the looks she was receiving, and didn’t say another word on the matter. However, when Twilight and Rarity shared a glance with each other, they quickly took off after Josh without a moment’s hesitation, leaving Pinkie to end to Fluttershy.
“Don’t you worry, Fluttershy,” Pinkie smiled, patting the Pegasus on the head, “Your Aunt Pinkie will take care of you and help you put those fantasy stories onto paper; you seem to have a very vivid imagination. Ah, you’re growing up SO fast.”
“Pinkie…for the last time…I’m a year older than you,” Fluttershy whispered, but apparently Pinkie didn’t hear her as she began to be carried away by the giggling pink earth pony.
Meanwhile, in Ponyville, Josh the stallion was still seeing red at having apparently lost to Twilight. Sure, he wasn’t exactly a great singer, but he still felt he had a great voice and that he had sung just as well if not better than Twilight. He was in such a bad mood that he failed to watch where he was going and he ended up stumbling over a small scooter after he turned the corner of Rarity’s Carousel Boutique.
“Hey! Watch where you’re going!” a snarky voice rang out, “That scooter is very precious to me!” Almost at once upon hearing the voice, Josh groaned from where he was on the ground. The voice reminded him instantly of Rainbow Dash.
“Hey, mister, are you alright?” a second voice called, and Josh could hear soft trotting in his direction.
“Huh…ah ain’t never seen that stallion before in town…ya’ll think he’s new?” a third and familiar voice said. Blinking in confusion and curious as to the interesting voices that he was hearing, Josh finally lifted his head to see just who had surrounded him. He was met with three little fillies, one of which he already knew. They were staring at him curiously, like a cat would look at a bird from the opposite side of a shut window. It seemed that Josh’s meal would have to wait a little longer.
“Wait a minute…I know you!” Josh gasped, sitting up on his haunches and looking at the closest filly, “You’re Apple Bloom, right? That annoying Applejack’s little sister?”
“Uh…yeah, that’d be me ahright,” Apple Bloom muttered, looking slightly unnerved, “Ah’m not really supposed to be talkin’ to strangers, though…”
“Oh, right…it’s me, Josh,” the stallion sighed, realizing that he was still a hideous horse and no longer a handsome human, “To make a long story short, I walked into that dark forest on the edge of town and apparently had an allergic reaction to some stupid blue flower called poison joke. What you see before you is the result of that stupid plant.”
“Apple Bloom, what’s he talking about?” the white filly asked, looking at her friend in confusion.
“Um…well…oh, right!” Apple Bloom gasped, giving Josh a happy smile, “Ah remember ya now! Crusaders, this is Josh; he visited me on the farm earlier today. Only during that visit, he was…well, in a different body…or somethin’ like that. He said he was a human. But…now he’s a stallion…”
“Ooh, cool!” the filly that sounded like Rainbow Dash grinned, “You totally got your whole body changed, and into an alicorn no less? That’s wicked, man!”
“Maybe for you, sweetie,” Josh grumbled, giving the hyper little Pegasus a frown, “But, believe me, being in this body isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’m really mad about it; I want my human body back! This really sucks.”
“Well, maybe we can help!” Apple Bloom said, leaping up onto her hind legs and striking a pose as her two friends joined her, “CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS…BODY-CHANGERS!” All three fillies shouted out the final line together, leaving Josh to give a rare smile, even though he was still highly irritated.
“Say, Apple Bloom, don’t you think you should introduce us?” the white filly asked, giving Josh a smile that made the former human feel slightly uneasy.
“Oh, right, of course,” Apple Bloom chuckled, “Joshy, this here is Sweetie Belle; she’s Rarity’s younger sister. Over here with the scooter is Scootaloo, and despite what ya might think, she’s not related to Rainbow Dash. Together, the three of us make up the Cutie Mark Crusaders!”
“A pleasure to meet you, my little dears,” Josh said politely, even going so far as to bow his head to the three adorable fillies, “So, uh…just what is the ‘Cutie Mark Crusaders’ anyway? The name of your little club or group or whatever this is?”
“Um…well, it’s what we call ourselves because…well…we have blank flanks,” Sweetie Belle said hesitantly, pointing back to her posterior. When Josh took a closer look at the three fillies’ flanks, he realized that he didn’t see the tattoos that all the other ponies seemed to have. He seemed to recall that they were called “cutie marks”.
“See, we hate being so different from everypony else, since all the other ponies we know have THEIR cutie marks,” Scootaloo explained, “We got picked on a lot in school and called ‘blank flanks’ a lot, but when we discovered each other, we became close friends.”
“We formed the Cutie Mark Crusaders so that we might go on adventures to obtain our hidden talents and get our cutie marks!” Apple Bloom added, “Ever since Diamond Tiara’s party, we’ve been close friends. We do almost everythin’ together, most of which are us tryin’ new things to obtain our cutie marks. But…as ya’ll can tell…we still got a long way to go.”
Josh listened intently to the three fillies talk, and his heart went out to them. He knew what it was like to be bullied just because you were different or “not as cool” as everyone else. Back in school, Josh would always get tortured and called names due to him always being a “teacher’s pet”, always preferring to study over party, never bothering to get involved with romance, always being a good citizen and obeying all the rules, and just trying to be as perfect as possible. He was such an outcast that he hardly had any friends at all, and those who wanted to be his friend mostly just used him for money or for cheating on homework assignments. It was just one of the many reasons why Josh didn’t believe in love or friendship. It was all a lie and he knew it.
“Girls…I’m proud of you,” Josh said softly, trotting over and giving each of the three fillies a hug, “You’re all so young, and yet…you’re going through exactly what I did when I was your ages. But, unlike me…you actually have a person at your side that will always be there for you. I never had that, and as such I don’t believe in it, but…for some reason…I can tell that you three are legit. Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo…all best friends, huh?”
“Yup, and we always will be!” Apple Bloom giggled, blushing slightly at being hugged by the much bigger stallion, “Even after we get our cutie marks, we’ll still always be best friends forever.”
“Josh, what did you mean about going through this when you were our ages?” Sweetie Belle asked, “I thought you were a…human…whatever that is. So, how would you…whoa, wait a minute! Your flank!” She gasped when she finally noticed that Josh himself had blank flanks, and Apple Bloom and Scootaloo both joined in when they noticed as well.
“Huh? Oh, right…yeah, I didn’t get a…a…cutie mark,” Josh growled, really having to force himself to say the words “cutie mark”, since he found them so girly and pathetic, “Apparently, the poison joke thought it was funny to leave me with a bare butt…which is what I honestly prefer, anyway. I like to be different from all the others.”
“Wait…you LIKE to be different?” Scootaloo questioned, putting her hooves on her tiny hips, “Why in the world would you like THAT? I thought you said that you went through what we did at your age…but, if you were originally a human…and you’re now a pony with blank flanks…then, how could you…uh…I’M SO CONFUSED RIGHT NOW!”
Before Josh could respond to Scootaloo’s frazzled accusations, he cringed when he felt his stomach hurt and give a loud growl of hunger. Due to being distracted by the Cutie Mark Crusaders, he had completely forgotten that he was very hungry. Ever since the picnic when he first arrived in Equestria, he hadn’t gotten any food in his belly. He had gone through an entire tour of Ponyville, a trip through the Everfree Forest, an interesting hour or two with Zecora, and finally extracting some revenge on Twilight and her friends, all without eating any food. Not only was he starving, but the day was beginning to end as well.
“I think Josh is hungry,” Sweetie Belle pointed out, giggling a bit, “Hey, Apple Bloom, why don’t we all go back to your farm and have a sleepover? Josh would love some of your sister’s cooking!”
“Er…wait, say what?” Josh gulped, quickly taking a step back, “Uh, hehe, that’s okay, girls…I really don’t want to impose or anything…”
“What a great idea, Sweetie Belle,” Apple Bloom agreed, “And he can tell us more of his stories when we get there, too! Ah bet mah big sister will be happy to see him!”
“Girls, are you even listening to me?” Josh snapped, speaking a little louder, all to no avail.
“Let’s get our new friend some food then!” Scootaloo grinned, striking a new pose with her three teammates, “CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS…HUNGER STRIKERS!”
“GIRLS, PLEASE, NO!” Josh roared, angrily stamping a hoof to try and get attention, “I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO APPLEJACK’S FARM AND…HEY!” Unfortunately for him, the Cutie Mark Crusaders weren’t much for listening. With excited shouts of glee, they all surrounded Josh and began ushering the protestant stallion along towards Sweet Apple Acres, much to his dismay.
While the three fillies ushered and shoved Josh along, they all chatted with each other excitedly about their new friend and their sudden sleepover that they had just decided upon minutes ago. Josh continued to try and feebly protest and get away, but he found himself unable to verbally assault the fillies like he had with Twilight and her friends, and he naturally wasn’t going to physically assault them, either. Besides, the three girls were a lot stronger than they looked, and they weren’t about to be denied of having some fun with the former human.
“Have you met mah big brother yet?” Apple Bloom was saying to Josh, “His name is Big Macintosh, and he does a lot of the heavy-liftin’ and stuff around the farm. Then there’s Granny Smith; she’s old and stuff, but we all love her. Together with mah big sister Applejack, the four of us live on Sweet Apple Acres and make sure it’s one of the best places in all the land!”
“That’s lovely, really it is, but I REALLY don’t want to impose…” Josh said quickly, trying to squirm out away from the three fillies, but having no such luck.
“Nah, you won’t be imposing…whatever that means,” Scootaloo smirked, “We’re gonna have fun! We throw the best sleepovers, so after dinner, we can all tell ghost stories and do all that fun stuff before we go to bed. Won’t that be fun?”
“I…wouldn’t really know,” Josh muttered, “I…really never HAD a sleepover before…especially with three girls. The only time I was invited to one was when this fat guy wanted me to show him how to play Super Mario Brothers and I was too busy doing my homework that night to come over and…”
“You’ve never had a sleepover?!?!” all three Cutie Mark Crusaders gasped, looking at Josh as though they couldn’t believe their ears. As always, they had completely ignored everything Josh had said after he explained that he was never invited to and never threw a sleepover.
“Do you three airheads even listen to what I say before you interrupt me?” Josh frowned.
“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS…SLEEPOVER TEACHERS!” all three fillies shouted in unison yet again, which once more resulted in Josh getting a near headache and wishing he was anywhere else but here.
To add to his misery, Josh was now having to endure listening to all three fillies explain all the joys of a sleepover and what he had missed out on his entire life. Naturally, since Josh wasn’t stupid, he already knew most of what the fillies said, but he never shut them up; seeing them so happy made it impossible for him to say anything. Despite Josh never having had experienced a lot of the more fun things in life, he still studied about them and knew enough to know what they were about. He never realized that another certain pony in town was almost identical to him in that sense.
“…and if you have a nightmare and you wake up crying, your sleepover friends will be right there to give you some hugs and cuddles and let you know that it’s alright,” Sweetie Belle was saying, giving Josh an affectionate little nuzzle on his cheek, “Plus, sometimes you can all snuggle together in one sleeping bag and sleep as a cuddly little group!”
“Since I’m a boy…and you’re all girls…and I’m quite a bit older than you all…I think that would be very inappropriate to do and I would be heavily scrutinized if I did something like that,” Josh whispered.
“And we totally have to show you how talented we are at styling up our manes!” Scootaloo grinned, “Josh, your mane is so black and BORING; we have to fix that. Maybe add a little pink in there; pink and black would look SO cool.”
“THE HELL IT WOULD! THAT WOULD MAKE ME LOOK EMO OR PUNKISH!” Josh shrieked, already having nightmares if he let his hair be dyed in the way that Scootaloo was suggesting. He HATED the color pink and believed that any male who liked the color was completely and utterly idiotic and stupid.
“And we can play hide and seek, freeze tag, and red rover!” Apple Bloom giggled, ignoring Josh’s shrieks and taking them as playful protests, “Oh, and we can do yer hooves if ya want, Joshy; we’ll spruce them up real nice. Well, ah won’t; ah like mine nice and scruffy. But, Sweetie Belle knows a thing or two ‘bout how to make some shiny hooves.”
“…are you girls TRYING to turn me gay?” Josh moaned.
As it turned out, the Cutie Mark Crusaders basically ignored or didn’t even HEAR anything negative or rude that Josh had to say, and only listened to positive or useful things that he said instead. It was probably just how those with younger minds worked, and as such Josh couldn’t fault them too much, but he was still going stir-crazy at being led along by the giggling group of fillies and knowing that he had no way out of this dreaded sleepover which was going to be held at his biggest enemy’s home. At least it seemed he was gonna get a meal out of it and a place to sleep, though.
“We’re here!” Apple Bloom shouted, eagerly bouncing up and down when the group arrived at Sweet Apple Acres, “Ah bet mah big sis already has dinner ready. Ah’m sure she won’t mind the extra guests; she always makes too much fer her own good anyway.” At that moment, Josh’s stomach rumbled once again and he was left at the mercy of the Cutie Mark Crusaders’ giggling.
“Don’t worry, Josh, you’ll just love Applejack’s cooking,” Sweetie Belle assured him.
“Something tells me that she’ll be ANXIOUS to deliver some home-cooking onto me,” Josh muttered, the image of the farmer being flattened onto Rainbow Dash flashing in his mind. He wasn’t looking forward to causing a scene with the three fillies present, but it looked like he wasn’t gonna have a choice.
“Well, what’re we waiting for? Let’s get in there already!” Scootaloo shouted, racing up to the front door and bursting in without even knocking. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle both followed along, still ushering Josh along with them, as though they expected him to run away if they let him go, which was a distinct possibility.
“Big sis, ah’m home!” Apple Bloom called out as she entered, shutting the door and sealing Josh’s fate when the stallion was forced inside, “Are ya here? Ah brought home my friends for a sleepover; ah hope ya don’t mind.”
“Ah, there ya are, Apple Bloom,” came Applejack’s voice from the other room, the sound which instantly made Josh growl and shudder, “And, a sleepover, eh? Well, ah reckon that’d be ahright, so long as ya silly fillies don’t cause too much destruction this time around. Big Macintosh wasn’t really thrilled with cleanin’ up after ya naughty fillies the last time ya slept over, and ya nearly sent Granny to the infirmary.”
“Heh…yeah, sorry ‘bout that…but, it’s not just us crusaders this time,” Apple Bloom explained, not noticing Josh looking very nervous, “We’ve got another friend with us, too…ya know him, in fact!” A short silence followed this announcement, and Applejack could be heard slowly trotting towards the front room of her home where the three Cutie Mark Crusaders were eagerly waiting and Josh was looking ready for a war.
“Did ya’ll just say…another friend?” Applejack spoke slowly, trotting into view and instantly locking eyes with Josh. Almost at once, the orange earth pony’s eyes narrowed into angry slits, and she looked ready to tear the stallion apart. Josh noticed that she didn’t seem to have a scratch on her from falling off the cliff and splatting onto Rainbow Dash. She really was very tough, a fact that Josh wasn’t too thrilled about finding out.
“Yep, it’s Josh!” Apple Bloom giggled, trotting over and giving her sister a gentle nuzzle, “He came by earlier today and said hi to me. We invited him along with us to enjoy a sleepover, since he’s never had one before. Plus, we want to hear his story; he sounds really interestin’ and cool.”
“Apple Bloom…please take yer friends into the other room…and close the door,” Applejack said, her voice cold and her eyes never leaving Josh’s.
“Works for me!” Scootaloo shrugged, “C’mon, crusaders; let’s go and get our sleeping bags ready. They should be in the same place we left them last time!” With nods of agreement, the three fillies all scampered off into the other room, and soon a soft slamming of a door was heard. This left Josh and Applejack alone. Since the fillies were now gone, Josh went right back to returning Applejack’s glares.
Very slowly, Applejack trotted towards Josh, her eyes never leaving his and her glare daring him to break contact. Josh didn’t back down and held his ground, narrowing his own eyes as the farmer pony advanced on him in no time. Even though he wouldn’t mind teaching Applejack another lesson in just how intelligent he was compared to her brute strength, he still didn’t wish to cause a war inside of her own house, mostly since the Cutie Mark Crusaders were in the other room and he really didn’t want to hurt them in any way. Eventually, Applejack stopped only inches away from Josh, both sets of emerald eyes locked on each other.
“Get…out…of…mah…house…now,” Applejack snarled, her voice just dripping with venom, her body tensing up as though she was just waiting for Josh to say the wrong thing before she annihilated him. Normally, any male being in a situation of being threatened by an irate female would’ve probably cowered just a little. But, since Josh was used to this, he didn’t even break a sweat.
“Believe me, Applejack, there’s nothing more that I’d like to do then get out of this dump of a house,” Josh sniffed, daringly pushing his face a few centimeters CLOSER to Applejack to really mock the pony, “This place smells like someone ate too many beans and had a very weak stomach, mixed with skunk fumes and 12-month-old rotten milk, and combined with the essence of nasty, disgusting, stupid farmer ponies who don’t know how to regularly shower.”
“Joshy boy…this is yer last and only warnin’ before I destroy you…” Applejack whispered in a dead voice, her face now a mere inch apart from the stallion, “You are, beyond a doubt, an evil, wretched, horrid monster who has no business bein’ anywhere on this world. You hurt mah friends, you humiliated and tricked me, you completely embarrassed Rainbow Dash so much that she’s hidin’ up in her home, yer usin’ yer evil schemes on mah little sister and her friends, and now ya dare insult mah own home right to mah face. Ah’m gonna give ya to the count of three to get yer sorry, rotten, good-fer-nothin’, low-down, back-stabbin’, two-timin’, disgustin’, rude, hateful body out mah door…or else.”
Despite being so completely and singlehandedly destroyed by Applejack’s speech, Josh still didn’t back down. Again, he had heard it all before, and being death-threatened by a horse wasn’t gonna make him suddenly turn into a sniveling wimp. The stallion was angry himself at Applejack for daring to threaten him when he clearly was a lot smarter than she was. Didn’t she realize that they would just keep fighting back and forth and it wasn’t helping anything? When Josh was provoked, he was not gonna back down, and this was another case. The former human slowly broke out his famous evil grin and didn’t move a single inch from his spot.
“Well, Applejack, go ahead and start counting, because I’m not moving,” Josh smirked, planting his butt down right on the floor to further his point, “I was personally invited by the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and if you don’t like it, you can kiss my ass. I’m not using any evil scheme on your sister; I save those for you and your dorky friends.”
“One.” Applejack took a small step back, dragging her hooves along the floor and preparing to unload upon the smirking stallion in front of her. “Two.” She pawed at her floor even harder, her eyes nearly completely closed as they were so tightly clenched. Her teeth were bared and she looked like a wild animal about to attack her prey. Deep down inside Josh, his heart was beginning to get jumpy and nervous, and for a split-second, he wondered if maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. But, just as Applejack was about to shout three, Apple Bloom poked her head back into the room.
“Hey, Joshy, come on!” she called out, “Talk with mah big sis later; we were just starting a game of cops and robbers and we really want ya to play, since we’ve never had a colt or a stallion to play with before! C’mon, hurry up!” She didn’t even notice the deadly stance that her big sister was in, and a second later the door was once again shut.
“And, there you have it,” Josh laughed, standing back up and sticking his tongue out at Applejack, “As you heard, your little sister needs me. As much as I’d love to stick around for another one of your psycho tantrums, I have some fillies to entertain. Try to not be such a party pooper, okay? Oh, and AJ? Sorry for making you kiss Rainbow Dash…it’s clear you have the hots for Rarity instead.”
Giving a loud laugh, Josh trotted past the seething Applejack and into the room where the three Cutie Mark Crusaders were waiting for him. That might’ve not been the best thing to say to the orange earth pony, and he was surely gonna pay for it later. But, Josh lived for the moment, and since Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo wanted him, he was happy to oblige. There was always time for delivering humiliation to the rest of the ponies in Equestria; for now, a little downtime would do him good.
When Josh woke up, he found himself in a dark room. He frowned in annoyance and tried to crane his head to take a better look at his surroundings, but his head was held fast by some heavy rope. He attempted to move, but braces around his chest and limbs glued his to a rack formed from a series of sturdy planks, which spread his legs wide apart. Josh’s wings were the only part of him not tied down, but they weren’t moving at all, since Josh still wasn’t really used to them. As the annoyed boy tried to figure out just what was going on, a certain pony suddenly jumped into his line of sight. He groaned when he saw just who it was.
“Good, yer awake…now we can get started,” Applejack smirked, licking her lips excitedly as she began pushing a cart over towards the trapped former human. A heavy cloth was draped over the top.
“Wow…Applejack, really?” Josh sighed, rolling his eyes, “I never expected this from YOU. Possibly from that insane Pinkie Pie, but you? I’m disappointed.”
“Shut it!” Applejack snarled, pulling the cloth off the cart to reveal a series of deadly-looking instruments, “How the hay do ya’ll even know where you are?”
“It’s kinda obvious,” Josh pointed out, still not really bothering to struggle, “You have me tied down inside a dark and foreboding cellar-like room…with my legs spread apart. Either you’re a psycho killer who’s about to torture me for your own sick pleasure…or you’re a severe sadist who has a crush on me and is preparing to inflict sexual pain onto me also for your own sick pleasure.”
“Well, there goes mah dramatic revealin’,” Applejack grumbled, clopping her hooves as the lights flashed on, “See fer yerself, Joshy boy; one of yer statements you just made was quite accurate.” The rest of the room was revealed and Josh couldn’t help but snicker.
“Two points for me,” he laughed, using his pupils to scan the room, since his head couldn’t move. The human smirked in amusement at the image presented to him. The room was decorated in a typical but twisted Applejack flair. Pony skeletons hung from the ceiling with rope wrapped around their bony necks, pieces of apple pie were tossed here and there with pieces of pony poking out the crusts, and barrels of apples with intriguing skins were placed around the room. Up in the rafters, Josh narrowed his eyes and tried to make out the makeshift message attached to a patchwork banner. Made from several tanned pony hides, the words “All Work And No Flair Makes AJ A Dull Mare” were scrawled on it in blood red.
“Ya’ll like the room?” Applejack grinned, “Ah created it just fer you, Joshy boy. Most of what ya’ll see here was just practice; yer mah MAIN ingredient.” Josh noticed that Applejack was now wearing a dull cowboy outfit that was also crafted from other ponies, but since Josh was getting tired of seeing everything in the room having to do with murdered ponies, he didn’t bother examining exactly what was ON the disgusting outfit itself.
“Don’t you think this is a bit…much?” Josh complained, staring down at the psychotic farmer pony from his prison, “Just to teach me a lesson?”
“Nah, ah think it’s perfectly rational,” Applejack sniffed, giving another wicked grin as she lowered her pony-skinned cowboy hat even more menacingly over her eyes, “Now, Joshy boy, since ya’ll think it’s SO funny to continue to hurt me and mah friends, yer gonna get to see what AH think is funny! Can ya’ll wager a guess on just what that might be?”
“Hmm…give me a moment, I just LOVE brainteasers,” Josh mocked, glancing around the room some more and looking for clues. His eyes fell upon the multi-colored apples and then the apple pies with pony pieces sticking out of the filling and crusts. The answer was pretty obvious. “I got it! AJ, I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
“Uh…that wasn’t really a puzzle, Joshy,” Applejack frowned, “Yer supposed to be scared; ah was mocking ya and tryin’ to make you guess how yer gonna meet yer doom.”
“DUH! I’m not an idiot, you stupid pony,” Josh sneered, “I just prefer turning things into puzzles because I’m very good at them. Now, my guess is that you’re gonna use these cliché torture devices to cut me up and turn me into apples, and then apple pie. Am I close?”
“Nope, yer right on the money, Joshy,” Applejack sighed, looking a bit disappointed that she didn’t get to reveal her evil intentions herself, “So, ya’ll have any last words before ah get to decapitatin’ ya?”
“Yeah…this is the stupidest, most cliché, most overused, and most pathetic attempt at torture and murder that I have ever seen,” Josh snapped, glaring down at Applejack, “First of all, you tie me up in a basement where the scenery is nothing short of murderous to show off just what a psycho you are? Wow, SO original; not like that hasn’t been doing a million times before. Second, back on my world, this has already been done in the movies; Sweeney Todd, as a matter of fact. It was a horrible movie, too. Third, you’re going to completely drop all your morals and values just because you’re unstable and instead of trying to seek help, you decide to walk down the path of evil that will eventually lead to your own death and not accomplish anything in the process besides making you the most hated and vilified pony in all of existence? Do you evildoers EVER think things through before you attempt them? Seriously, this makes no freaking sense and you’re a retarded idiot for even WANTING to try this! Applejack, I’m seriously ashamed of you. THIS is how you want to kill me?”
“Uh…but…but…” Applejack gulped, taking a step back as she was thoroughly ripped apart.
“Oh, and another thing!” Josh continued, frowning as he glanced down at his spread legs, “This is seriously disgusting! Since I’m a pony now, that means I don’t even wear clothes. Why the HELL do you have my legs spread? It looks like you’re about to rape me, you sick pervert! It’s so obvious that you have a crush on me from how much you keep wanting to kick my ass, but this is ridiculous! So, you’re not only a serial killer, but you’re also a rapist? Are you kidding me?”
“That’s…not why…ah did that…” Applejack argued, but once again found herself at a loss at Josh’s rant.
“Applejack, bottom line, this is a failure if I’ve ever seen one,” Josh concluded, shaking his head in dismay, “You obviously are gonna get caught doing this, so I doubt you planned this out very well; it make sense, since you’re a retarded farmer to begin with. But, this whole thing is such a pathetic cliché that it makes me sick to my stomach, and not from fear; it’s from how lame this is. Not only that, but this doesn’t even SEEM like something you would do if you WERE to become a killer. This is seriously too ‘planned’ and too ‘neat’ to work for you; this simply isn’t your style. This is more like Twilight’s style, if you ask me; SHE’S the nerd who likes to be neat. Hell, even Rarity seems like the type to do this.”
“THAT DOES IT! AH CAN’T TAKE THIS ANY LONGER!” Applejack roared, angrily kicking aside her cart of deadly instruments and throwing down her pony-skinned clothing, “JOSHY BOY, YOU CAN’T EVEN DIE WITHOUT TICKIN’ ME OFF! GAH! YER SIMPLY IMPOSSIBLE! AH DON’T EVEN WANT TO KILL YOU ANY MORE; AH JUST WANT TO GET THE HECK OUTTA HERE!” The orange earth pony continued her rage by kicking over the barrels of apples and stomping on any pony-filled apple pie she saw, all the while continuing to curse up a storm and berate Josh, who was left shaking his head in dismay back on his prison of a table. When Applejack finally stomped out of the room, the lights went out and Josh was left in the darkness.
“Hey, wait a minute! Applejack, get your smelly ass back here!” Josh yelled, finally thrashing as he tried to pull out of his restraints, “You can’t just leave me here! APPLEJACK, GET BACK HERE! APPLEJACK! APPLEJACK! APPLEJACK!”
“…Applejack…Applejack…Applejack…”
Josh moaned as he twitched in his sleep, muttering Applejack’s name over and over again while the Cutie Mark Crusaders all looked on in amusement. They hadn’t realized that they had been boring Josh to death with their excessive planning on what was going to happen during the slumber party. It had bored the stallion so much that he had fallen asleep on Applejack’s sofa and proceeded to have a very unique dream. The Cutie Mark Crusaders were currently giggling while listening to Josh call out the name of his biggest enemy, wondering if they should wake him or not.
“I think he likes your sister, Apple Bloom,” Scootaloo teased, nudging her filly friend’s shoulder, “He’s totally dreaming about her!”
“He’s probably dreaming about something so romantic and adorable,” Sweetie Belle giggled.
“Ah thought mah big sis was givin’ Joshy some weird looks,” Apple Bloom admitted, “Ah…didn’t really think they were romantic looks, though…usually, those are the looks she gives trees that are bein’ too stubborn to drop their apples.”
“So…Applejack likes to imagine that Josh is an apple tree that she can kick with her hind legs?” Scootaloo asked, raising an eyebrow, “That doesn’t sound very romantic at all! Blah, why are we talking about romance anyway? This is disgusting! Sweetie Belle, go wake him up so we can get this sleepover on the road; he can’t be sleeping when we have so much stuff to do BEFORE we go to sleep!”
“Not to mention ah went out and got Joshy some snacks from the fridge,” Apple Bloom smiled, glancing at the tray of food that the little filly had brought in a while back before the group had unceremoniously begun talking about sleepover activities. Sweetie Belle slowly trotted up to Josh a moment later and began to softly nudge him with her nose, trying to wake him up from his dream. Since Josh was a heavy sleeper, however, she wasn’t getting anywhere.
“Oh, for the love of…here, let me do it,” Scootaloo sighed, trotting over and gently nudging Sweetie Belle aside, “Rainbow Dash taught me the perfect way to wake somepony up. All you do is…” She eased her head in towards Josh’s slumbering face, softly placing her lips right up close to his ear. “…SCREAM REAL LOUD RIGHT IN THEIR EAR!”
Almost instantly, Josh shrieked like a little girl and flew out of his seat and into the air. He thrashed his legs around frantically, his head whipping around in a panic as he tried to come to his senses, just before he crashed down onto the hard wood floor a moment later and got an even harsher wakeup call. As the former human lay there in a daze, Scootaloo giggled and playfully walked back to the annoyed Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle, proud that she had woken him up so efficiently.
“What?” the little Pegasus filly asked when she noticed the looks she was getting from her fellow crusaders. When Apple Bloom said nothing but roll her eyes, Sweetie Belle gently helped the annoyed Josh to his hooves and attempted to snuggle up to him to make sure he didn’t murder Scootaloo.
“Sorry about Scootaloo, Josh,” Sweetie Belle said, giving the stallion a look similar to the ones that Fluttershy had been giving him before, “Please forgive her; we just wanted to get you up so that you could enjoy the sleepover with us.”
“Ugh…it’s not like I was really enjoying that nightmare anyway,” Josh responded, stifling a yawn as he gave Sweetie Belle a pat on the head, “Say, Apple Bloom? Could you tell your stupid sister to please stay the heck out of my dreams? It’s bad enough I have to put up with her here; I don’t need her annoying me when I’m snoozing, too!”
“Ah, so you WERE dreamin’ about her,” Apple Bloom grinned, sitting down and looking very interested, “What was it about?”
“Nothing too special,” Josh shrugged, doing a few stretches and giving another yawn, “She was just trying to torture me in such a cliché and boring way that I had to give her a scolding, which sent the silly pony stomping away. Kinda a weird dream…hopefully I won’t ever have it again.”
“Oh…well, that sounds…uh…well, anyway, we brought you some food,” Apple Bloom said, moving the tray of goodies towards the ravenous Josh, “Ah hope ya don’t mind more apple treats; it’s kinda all we have in our fridge, ya see.”
“I think my stomach can put up with them, don’t fret,” Josh chuckled, licking his lips as he admired the tray of food. There were apple fritters, apple strudel, a cup of apple juice, and a piece of apple pie all aligned nicely on the metal tray. Despite his recent nightmare, Josh wasn’t even fazed by the apple pie, and he even made it his first victim when he took a big bite out of the pastry. The feeling of food finally going down his throat and into his stomach really soothed some of Josh’s built-up anger, but not much. He still hated Equestria and everything in it.
The three Cutie Mark Crusaders watched Josh gorge himself on the apple food, admiring him and seemingly very interested in him. They had never really been around an older male before, and Josh certainly wasn’t somepony they expected when they thought of one. He was funny, he wasn’t always trying to talk down to them, he was actually very nice to them, he was more than willing to do this sleepover as far as they knew, and he wasn’t really that big at all. He was the same size as Applejack, despite his age. It made more sense if he would be Big Macintosh’s size, but yet he wasn’t.
“So, Josh…why do you have blank flanks?” Scootaloo asked, “And why do you like not having cutie marks? Why do you like feeling so different? How does it feel to be an alicorn? Tell us, tell us!”
“While you do, I’ll work on your hair!” Sweetie Belle giggled, eagerly trotting up behind Josh while pulling out a tray of mane supplies, “I’ve never worked on a stallion’s mane before; this is gonna be so super fun! Apple Bloom and Scootaloo are the only two that I’ve worked on.”
“…please, just not pink,” Josh begged, giving a sigh and downing a gulp of apple juice, “And not red; I HATE the color. If you’re gonna scar me for life by fixing up my hair…or mane, whatever…just don’t do red or pink…I beg of you.”
“Aww…well, okay, if you say so,” Sweetie Belle shrugged, picking up a spray bottle and comb and beginning to prepare Josh’s mane, “Now, hold still; this is gonna be really fun. I’m gonna use what my big sister Rarity taught me to make sure this goes perfectly!”
“Oh joy, Rarity…yeah, this is gonna be good,” Josh said sarcastically, shivering at the cold water being sprayed against the back of his neck, “Now…before we get into this…ugh, sleepover…you three fillies want some answers, right?”
“Yes, please,” Apple Bloom smiled, sitting down on a cushion next to Scootaloo and giving Josh their full attention, “But, only what ya don’t mind sharin’.”
“Well…okay, fair enough,” Josh sighed, closing his eyes and putting a hoof to his chin, “Where to begin, where to begin…OW! Sweetie Belle, watch the hair! My sleek black hair is one of my most valuable assets, you know.”
“Sorry!” Sweetie Belle giggled, “There’s some knots in your mane; I’m just trying to work them out.”
“Humph…you’re lucky you’re cute,” Josh grumbled, before starting with his explanations again, “But, okay, let me get started. As I said before, I was once a human, but I apparently had an allergic reaction to that stupid flower known as poison joke and this is what happened to me. I came from another world called Earth, a world filled with humans. It’s a horrible place that I really don’t wish to go into, since the things I could reveal would scar little brains for life.”
“Oh, come on!” Scootaloo whined, but didn’t press the issue as Josh continued.
“Back on my world, let’s just say that my past was…not so pretty,” Josh went on, “I don’t want to bore you with the details, since I don’t crave attention with always wanting to spew my painful past to get sympathy from others. However, let’s just say that, thanks to what I’ve experienced, it taught me an important lesson, which is that love and friendship are both fake and evil and I don’t believe in either. Those that spout such nonsense are just lying to themselves and wanting to live in a fantasy world that doesn’t exist.”
“W-w-w-what?!?!” Apple Bloom cried, looking stunned at what Josh just revealed to them.
“It’s the truth, sweetheart,” Josh said flatly, “The sooner you learn it, the better off you’ll be. You three fillies…you’re special. I can’t get myself to hate you lot because you…well…because you’re all just like me, in so many ways. My…flanks, as you’d call them…are blank, much like my heart. What talent do I have that is so worth mentioning that it should be tattooed on my butt for all to see? What a ridiculous notion. I was like you all when I was young, too…even though I don’t consider myself old at all. You three haven’t experienced the pain that I have…you haven’t had to suffer through misery that you just wanted to kill yourself over…you haven’t been backstabbed by friends and family that you thought you could love and trust with all your heart. That’s why…that’s why I like you girls. You’re…you’re all just like me.”
Silence filled the room, with Sweetie Belle having stopped work on Josh’s mane after the stallion finished speaking. Outside of the shut room, the floorboards creaked slightly, as though someone was listening in the entire time. Josh hung his head as he stared down at the floor, feeling somewhat ashamed for having said such serious things to these fillies. But, he only spoke the truth, and the sooner they heard the truth, the sooner they’d be prepared for the real world. Not this fake world where all the ponies thought you could solve problems with hugs and kisses and songs and friendship lessons.
Josh knew that he was gonna get the fillies crying before long, and he was almost confident that he had scared the daylights out of them with his seriousness. The former human figured that they had never heard anything like what he said before; they DID live in this world called Equestria, after all. Josh felt slightly guilty at possibly scaring the little fillies’ minds so early in life, but they had asked him to share his thoughts, and that’s precisely what he had done. So, when he was suddenly hugged by all three Cutie Mark Crusaders, he was beyond stunned.
“That’s…that’s so horrible…man, it’s worse than horrible…it plain sucks!” Scootaloo grumbled, cuddling up to Josh’s left, “Why did that have to happen to you? It’s not fair!”
“Yeah, really!” Sweetie Belle agreed, snuggling Josh from behind, “But, don’t worry, we’ll be your friends and we’ll make sure you never have to be sad again.”
“Wait, what?!?!” Josh cried, “No, that’s not what you’re supposed to do! I don’t WANT friends! I don’t BELIEVE in friends! Weren’t you listening to me? It’s all fake! You’re just gonna get hurt!”
“So what if we do?” Apple Bloom shrugged, smiling weakly up at Josh, “Mah big sister always says to live your life the way you want to and enjoy it whatever way ya can. She says ah shouldn’t rush to get mah cutie mark, too. So what if there’s bumps in the road of life?”
“I don’t want you to go through what I did!” Josh snapped, trying to push the fillies away, “You’re all still innocent and young; you don’t WANT to be friends with a guy like me. And you know what? The truth is that your sister HATES me, Apple Bloom! I pushed her off a cliff and flattened her to Rainbow Dash because she was angering me to no end! And I hate all her friends, too! Plus, I HATE THIS WHOLE WORLD!” He was confident that the Cutie Mark Crusaders would surely let him go now and realize that he wasn’t someone to be friends with. He was further horrified and shocked when they just increased their hugs on him.
“Hate it all you want and hate us all you want, but we don’t hate YOU,” Sweetie Belle whispered, closing her eyes and resting her head on Josh’s shoulder, “And no matter what you say, we’re not gonna start hating you, either.”
“Totally,” Scootaloo agreed.
“Well said, Sweetie Belle,” Apple Bloom echoed, “And…mah sister probably deserved it; she has a temper at times. Believe me, ah know. She was just fine when ah saw her a few minutes ago, so ah really don’t think it makes much of a difference; she’s been through worse.”
Josh was now at a complete loss. He had told the fillies about his past, he had told them about why he hated love and friendship, he had told them what he had done to Applejack, he had told them flat out he hated their world and he hated everything in it, and yet they were STILL hugging him and saying that they wanted to be his friends. This seriously made no sense to him. The only thing left to do was physical assault them and push them away, but any thoughts of doing such a heinous act were scrubbed clean from his mind almost the instant he considered them.
“G-g-g-girls…p-p-please…let me g-g-g-go…” Josh sobbed, actual tears starting to appear in his eyes as all three fillies kept holding him lovingly, “I…I don’t w-w-want this…I deserve nothing…I’m a loner…I-I-I don’t believe in this…I’ll just h-h-hurt you…this isn’t my world…let me go…” But, nothing he said was taken seriously, and before long, the stallion finally broke down and started to cry. He wrapped his arms around the three little fillies and held them all close to his heart.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders felt warm and their little bodies were like little teddy bears that Josh had cuddled with when he was younger. The more they cuddled him, the more the former human continued to bawl his eyes out. He tried to choke out more disparaging words now and then to get them to let him go, but it would never work. The three fillies wasn’t about to let Josh go when he needed them most. Eventually, he stopped trying to protest altogether and just closed his eyes. He let himself cry on and on into the night, all three fillies never letting him go.
Outside the door, Applejack gave a weak little smile. She had a lot of things to think about, not to mention convey to her friends. But, for now, she gave a silent chuckle and slowly began trotting away from the door to give the group inside some privacy.
“Are you SURE that this isn’t permanent?” Josh whined, looking at what Sweetie Belle did to him in Applejack’s nearby mirror, “Even as a stupid pony, I REALLY don’t want to be seen in public like this. Do you know how horrible this makes me?”
“Aww, but Joshy, you look totally cool!” Scootaloo giggled, admiring Sweetie Belle’s work and giving her friend a hoof-bump, “Don’t you girls think so?”
“Ah reckon that might be the best colorin’ of a mane that ah’ve ever seen!” Apple Bloom agreed.
“And you look REALLY awesome,” Sweetie Belle gushed, snuggling Josh from behind and burying her face into the back of his neck, “Trust me, we know; we’re ladies.”
“That’s exactly WHY I’m worried,” Josh whispered, “This world seems to be 99% populated by females, so male opinions don’t really matter.”
“Aw, now that ain’t true,” Apple Bloom scolded Josh, “There’s Snips and Snails from our class, there’s mah big brother, there’s mah cousin Braeburn, there’s that strange brown stallion with the hourglass cutie mark in town, there’s that rude stallion from Canterlot that hurt Sweetie Belle’s sister a few months ago…”
“And, despite all them, they still only count for 1% of this world’s population,” Josh snickered, “Kinda makes a guy wonder how there’s so many ponies here, since back on my world, two females can’t…” He went silent at that moment, since the Cutie Mark Crusaders were giving him weird looks and he knew better than to go deeper into THAT territory around them.
“Two females can’t…what?” Scootaloo asked, tilting her head curiously, “Where were you gonna say?”
“Uh…well, that is…I was gonna say…uh…” Josh stuttered, looking around for some kind of distraction to get him out of this very uncomfortable position, “Er…two females…uh…well, the thing is, females don’t have hot dogs, which means that they cannot use one on a taco, which in turn means that they cannot make a watermelon.”
The Cutie Mark Crusaders stared at Josh for a very long time, then looked at each other, and then looked back at Josh. From the expressions on their faces, they were beyond confused and just straight out bewildered. They had no idea what hot dogs were and they didn’t know why Josh was talking about food when he was supposed to be completing his thoughts on what two females cannot do. Eventually, the three fillies just shrugged and went back to complimenting Josh’s new mane.
Sweetie Belle had taken Josh’s pleas into consideration and hadn’t used red or pink dye in his mane. After spraying his black hair and combing it down so that it was nice and straight, she decided to use blue dye to change his style. The little filly had successfully created several blue streaks of hair in Josh’s mane, giving him a black and blue hairstyle. Then, somehow, the filly had also decided to do the same to Josh’s tail to match the look. Josh wasn’t too thrilled with this.
“Sweetie Belle, I really appreciate you being a dear and…changing my appearance,” Josh said slowly, trying to contain his annoyance, “But, black is my favorite color of hair, and I never really went for blue. So, I kinda want to go and throw Twilight over a cliff now.”
“Why would you want to do that?” Scootaloo asked, “What did Twilight do?”
“What DIDN’T she do?” Josh snapped, “Ever since I arrived on this stupid world, that annoying pony has done nothing but nag me to death about this or that. She’s worse than my mother! I swear, if I have to listen to one more lecture by her, I’m gonna…” However, his thoughts were interrupted when the door suddenly opened and Applejack made a very unusual and sudden appearance.
“How’s everythin’ goin’ in here?” the orange pony asked, putting on her best smile as she looked at the foursome, “Ya’ll need anythin’?”
“Nah, we’re doin’ just fine, sis,” Apple Bloom smiled, “We just fixed up Joshy’s hair! What do you think?” Applejack gave Josh a hard look, narrowing her eyes slightly as she examined his mane and tail, and then she gave a deep, polite laugh.
“Ha! Now THAT’S what ah call a stylish getup,” Applejack grinned, “Black and blue really fit quite nicely together. Ya’ll should be thankful, Joshy boy; ya look mighty handsome.”
“Gee, thanks, it just THRILLS me to hear an apple-obsessed female PONY say that,” Josh said sarcastically, “It’s kinda funny how I went my entire life on Earth and not a single female HUMAN ever complimented my looks or even asked me out on a date, and yet here I am on Equestria, and after a simple hair-dying session, I’m called handsome. Seriously, Applejack, who are you trying to kid?”
“Oooooh, burn!” Scootaloo laughed, pointing at the red-faced Applejack and rolling around while she giggled excessively from Josh’s insult.
“Now wait just a doggone second here!” Applejack snapped, the smile vanishing off her face as she stomped into the room and got right into Josh’s face, “Ah TRY to give ya a compliment and ah TRY to be nice, and ya’ll call me a liar? Joshy boy, do you even remember mah element?”
“Your element?” Josh smirked, tapping his chin with his hoof in his usual mock stance as he pretended to think about it, “Hmm…your element…well, it sure isn’t dental care. If it was, you’d be way OUT of your element, since your breath REALLY stinks. Could you please take a few steps back? Actually, you’d best make that a DOZEN steps back, just to be safe.”
“THANK you!” Apple Bloom cried, “Ah’ve been tellin’ mah big sis just how horrible her breath is for the past month, and yet she still refuses to go see the dentist! If ah have to go every month for a checkup, then she should, too! It just ain’t fair. Plus, ah brush every day; can’t say Applejack does.”
“A-A-Apple Bloom!” Applejack gasped, glaring down at her sister with the same deep blush on her face, “What the hay is wrong with you? Yer supposed to stick up for yer sis, not dis her in front of this rotten stallion with the foul mouth!”
“Hold on…so, Applejack, you really DO think I’m handsome?” Josh continued, deciding to once again take all he can get in this situation, “Aww, I’m FLATTERED. But, you see…you’re just not my type. I really don’t like the smelly, hotheaded, simpleminded, foolhardy, overworking girls. I prefer the more intelligent type, like Twilight! Ooh, but wait…I want to throw Twilight over a cliff…so, guess what? I don’t prefer ANY of you ponies. Sorry for dashing your hopes; I know I’m a stud, but I’d much sooner date a rock than I would an apple farmer.”
“Oooooooh, snap!” Sweetie Belle giggled, joining her two fellow crusaders in their heavy laughter as Applejack was once again dissed by Josh.
Applejack’s face turned an even darker crimson as she took a step away from the grinning stallion. She wanted nothing more than to wipe that smirk right off his face, preferably taking out some of his teeth along with it. However, she knew better than to use violence in front of her sister and her friends; that would set a terrible example. She was honestly stunned and appalled that the girls found Josh’s insults so funny. Not only that, she was also very confused on how Josh could be crying and sobbing one moment and then acting like a complete mule the next. Had he been faking it once again?
“Oh yeah? Well, AH would much sooner date…uh…one of mah apple trees before ah’d date YOU!” Applejack finally countered, making a loud hacking sound as she glared at Josh, “Yer a rotten snake and ah don’t know what my sister and her friends see in you, but if you so much as lay one hoof on them, yer flank is gettin’ a full dose of mah apple-buckin’ prowess!”
“Lay a hoof on them? AJ, I’m horrified that you would think such a thing!” Josh scolded, wrapping a foreleg around the three giggling fillies and giving them a hug, “I would never think of ever hurting these little dears. THEY actually accept me for who I am and don’t make judgments, nor do they try and change me, unlike six OTHER ponies that I know. Plus, they’re just pure awesome.”
“W-w-w-what?!?!” Applejack blinked, a bit stunned at hearing what Josh revealed, “So…THAT’S why ya hate me and mah friends? Because…we don’t accept you for who you are?”
“Well, no…that’s just one of the 350 reasons why I hate you all,” Josh said sweetly, giving Applejack a wink, “There’s also the fact that you all stink, you’re all stupid, you’re all crazy, you all smile too much, you give me headaches just from looking at you…and those are just some of the GROUP things that I hate. For you, Applejack, I have a good list of reasons that I can’t stand you.”
“Now, Joshy, that’s overkill,” Apple Bloom scolded, “It’s fun to torture mah big sister, but she’s really not a bad pony. She’s a sweetheart, once ya get to know her.”
“And Rainbow Dash is the coolest pony in the world,” Scootaloo stated, “She can do amazing tricks, she can fly faster than lightning, and she’s REALLY beautiful…er, I mean, awesome!”
“My big sister Rarity is a generous pony with a heart of gold,” Sweetie Belle added, “Sure, she has a big head, but what’s inside of her is what makes me happy to be her sister.”
“Hey, ah have a great idea!” Apple Bloom smiled, speaking before Josh could make out what the three fillies just said, “Applejack, why don’t YOU join our sleepover? That way, you and Joshy can try to talk to each other and work out yer differences.”
Upon hearing this idea, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo both nodded in agreement, but Josh and Applejack both looked repulsed at the idea. The thought of them being in each other’s company for an entire night didn’t sit well with either pony. Plus, given Josh’s mastery of mockery and Applejack’s fiery temper, it probably wouldn’t take more than five minutes before somepony was sailing out a broken window or getting smashed into the wall. On the other hand, Josh REALLY loved torturing Applejack and getting her worked up, and Applejack still didn’t really trust Josh in the presence of her sister and the crusaders, despite Josh’s recent display of emotion towards them. So, when they both reluctantly agreed, they surprised each other.
“Yay! This is gonna be awesome!” Scootaloo grinned, “Now we’ve got both AJ AND Joshy to play with!”
“One wrong move outta ya, and yer gonna be needin’ that trip to the dentist,” Applejack whispered to Josh, giving him a stern look of warning.
“Whatever you say, smelly-butted pony,” Josh whispered back, snickering and taking a quick leap backwards when Applejack took a swipe at his head.
“So, what should we do first?” Sweetie Belle pondered, screwing up her face in concentration as she thought about an idea, “Um…tell ghost stories? Play hide and seek? Eat some s’mores?”
“Nah…let’s play truth or dare!” Apple Bloom said, pulling a bottle out from under the nearby sofa, “That’s always fun!”
“Ooh, truth or dare…nice,” Josh grinned, taking a seat and rubbing his front hooves together, “I LOVE that game…and I never lose. Then again, I never lose at ANY game I play, so…”
“Well, yer gonna be losin’ tonight, Joshy,” Applejack interrupted, taking a step opposite the stallion and putting on her own smirk, “Because, if ah’m not facin’ Dash, ah don’t lose either.”
The three Cutie Mark Crusaders grinned and winked secretly to one another as they watched the sparks fly already between the two rivals. This was part of their plan to get the two closer, or just to incite some humorous moments between the two. Sweetie Belle finally took her seat on Josh’s left, while Scootaloo sat on Applejack’s right. Apple Bloom sat on the opposite side between her sister and Josh as she sat the bottle down between them all.
“Ahright, just so we’re clear on the rules, this is how it works,” Apple Bloom stated, “We take turns spinnin’ the bottle. When the bottle lands on somepony, that pony must pick either truth or dare. The spinner is the one that gets to decide the truth or dare itself. Ya’ll are free to do any truth or dare that comes to mind, so long as it ain’t dangerous. If the truth or the dare is refused, that pony is out of the game. Oh, and ya can’t lie on your truths, either. The last pony standin’ will win!”
“And that’s gonna be me,” Josh said proudly, patting his chest, “Sorry, ladies, but you’re all just playing for the silver. I’m not about to lose. I’ll do any dare that you lay on me, and my mind’s an open book. There’s nothing I won’t admit to.”
“Ain’t that the truth,” Applejack muttered coldly, “Sometimes, ah wish that mouth would just stay shut…it’d save me a heck of a lot of trouble.”
“Okay, who wants to go first?” Sweetie Belle asked, glancing between her two friends and the two rivals.
“I’ll go first!” Scootaloo shouted, placing her hoof down on the bottle and giving a mighty spin, “I’m always first. Dash taught me that you should never settle for anything less.”
“Huh…Dash might not be as dumb as I thought,” Josh mused. Thankfully, Scootaloo didn’t hear him, and was only concentrated on the spinning bottle. The glass container made a dozen revolutions before eventually landing on Sweetie Belle.
“Truth or dare, Sweetie Belle?” Scootaloo asked.
“Truth!” Sweetie Belle said calmly, knowing enough to not ask Scootaloo to dare her, since the insane little Pegasus was pretty crazy in the imagination department.
“Hmm…that’s boring, but okay,” Scootaloo shrugged, glancing up at the ceiling as she pondered a good truth, “Um…oh, I know! Sweetie Belle…who do you have a crush on?” The little Pegasus gave the white filly an evil little smirk, as Sweetie Belle squeaked and tried to hide her face. But, since she didn’t want to go out so soon, she gulped and nervously looked down at the floor.
“Er…I…um…kinda like…Spike,” Sweetie Belle whispered, just before hiding her face again.
“You have my condolences, Sweetie Belle,” Josh said, snickering a little bit.
“Oh, ya’ll shut up!” Applejack growled, giving Josh a dirty look, “There’s nothin’ wrong with Sweetie Belle likin’ that cute little Spike.”
“Who said there was? I’m happy that she does!” Josh smirked, “I just don’t think he’s good enough for her, that’s all. I think he’s MORE than good enough for YOU, but Sweetie Belle? No way!”
“WHAT?!?!” Applejack roared, another dark blush breaking out on her muzzle as the three crusaders laughed their heads off. Applejack had to physically restrain herself from murdering Josh right then and there, since she promised she would try to not use violence to resolve things.
“Thanks, Josh…you’re really sweet,” Sweetie Belle smiled, reaching out and taking her own turn with the bottle. This time, thanks to her soft spin, it only took eight revolutions before landing on Scootaloo.
“Ooh, dare me, dare me!” Scootaloo immediately shouted, pumping her hoof in the air, “Give me your best shot, Sweetie Belle.”
“Okay! I dare you to cluck like a chicken for one minute!” Sweetie Belle smiled.
“…I hate you,” Scootaloo said darkly, her confident grin being sapped straight off her face while the group of four surrounded her snickered in amusement. But, since she didn’t want to go out so soon, she slowly got up onto all four hooves and began to let out forced clucking sounds, while also throwing in some bounces on her hind legs.
“You make a good chicken, Scoots,” Josh laughed, holding his head in his hooves as he watched the performance by the angry filly, “Maybe you were a chicken in another life?”
“S-S-SHUT UP!” Scootaloo snarled, finishing her chicken actions 50 seconds later and retaking her seat, “And you all wipe those smirks off your faces. You’ll pay for that! Scootaloo’s revenge will be painful!” She angrily spun the bottle with all her might, watching as it took a good few dozen revolutions, before finally landing on Josh.
“Oh, goody,” the stallion muttered, “Eh, whatever; I’m not scared of anything. Dare me, Scootaloo.”
“Good,” Scootaloo grinned evilly, glancing over at Applejack before looking back at Josh, “I dare you…to give Applejack a BIG hug…like you mean it!”
“W-W-W-WHAT?!?!” Josh hacked, instantly scooting backward as he looked across at Applejack.
“You heard me,” Scootaloo said smugly, crossing her arms and giving a little shake of her tail, “Are you gonna refuse? If so, you lose…and come in last, too.”
Josh grit his teeth and glared down at Scootaloo, deep down admiring her for giving him such a hard dare. Glancing back at Applejack, he was horrified to find her cracking her hooved knuckles and wearing a very large grin on her face. Clearly, she was going to have a LOT of fun with this dare. Since Josh didn’t want to lose, he knew that he had no choice but to hug her, but the way that Applejack was looking at him and willingly opening her arms didn’t make this any easier.
“C’mon, Joshy boy, give ol’ Applejack a nice, big hug!” Applejack sneered, her arms spread wide open and inviting Josh in, “Ah won’t bite…much.”
“Let’s just get this over with,” Josh sighed, slowly stepping over the bottle and inching closer to Applejack, “Try not to make me smell as bad as you, since I doubt you’ve had a bath recently.” The stallion was very nervous when Applejack didn’t even glare at Josh for that comment; she was too busy continuing to smirk and look excited about this hug. Slowly planting his rump down in front of the orange pony, Josh took a deep breath and slowly spread his arms wide apart.
“Go on…go on…” Apple Bloom grinned, watching eagerly.
“Like you MEAN it!” Sweetie Belle reminded the former human. Slowly, Josh leaned in and wrapped his arms around Applejack’s middle and gave her a weak hug, wincing as he was forced to press his body to hers and place his hooves on her back. However, that was the least of his worries, for when Applejack quickly locked her own forelegs around Josh’s neck and upper body, he knew that he was in big trouble.
If Josh knew that Applejack was powerful, he wasn’t ready for what came next. He had experienced bear hugs before in his life, of course, but was unprepared for Applejack. Easy to say, as Josh was forced to lay his head on Applejack’s shoulder, the pain already began to intensify when he felt Applejack crushing him with the hug. The stallion squeaked loudly and tried to pull away, even attempting to slap at Applejack’s backside to make her let him go, but there was no way she was making the hug that easy.
Giving some evil snickers, Applejack closed her eyes and continued to squeeze the skinny former human, crushing him even more in her arms. Something cracked in his back as the pressure only continued to be multiplied, leaving Josh gasping for breath and having his face begin to turn the same color blue that was now in his hair. He kicked and silently screamed, but it was like a ragdoll trying to bust out from under an elephant’s foot. Applejack only hummed slightly as she continued to squeeze the stallion in the hug. Clearly, she MEANT this hug, just like the dare asked.
More random, tiny cracks popped from different places in Josh’s back as the hugged only continued, Josh being crushed as much as an empty soda can. Inside Applejack’s mind, she was having a ball. This wasn’t violence; if Josh couldn’t handle a little hard-loving, it wasn’t her fault. Besides, this was certainly a hug that was meaningful. Being able to teach Josh a lesson without actually having to use violence on him was such a joy, and Applejack was determined to make an everlasting impression on the skinny boy. Somewhere in her mind, though, a slight part of her felt somewhat excited about holding Josh to her. She had no idea why, though, and simply pushed the thought aside.
“Hmm…ah think that’ll do, right?” Applejack chuckled, glancing over at Scootaloo to make absolute sure.
“Heh…yep, I’d say that that’s a hug like you mean it!” Scootaloo said nervously, having taking a few steps away from Applejack due to the manic expression that had inhabited her face for a few moments during the hug.
“Well…ah suppose…ah should let go now then…” Applejack said very slowly, purposely dragging this out more and more before eventually opening her arms just enough for Josh to collapse out of them, “Ya enjoy that hug, Joshy boy?”
“A…storm…is…coming…” Josh gasped, wheezing and choking on the floor as he twitched and tried to catch his breath. The three fillies all gave the stallion a gentle pat on the head while Applejack proudly sat up straight and held her head high. That had been a lot of fun.
Eventually, Josh managed to crawl back to his place on the floor, but took an extra few minutes before he had the strength to sit back up. His backside was killing him, he was still trying to catch his breath, and he felt like he had just been run over by a semi-truck. He was glaring daggers at Applejack, who only grinned back and kept her arms crossed. Revenge was so sweet, and giving Josh a taste of his own medicine really thrilled her. She hardly took notice when Josh angrily spun the bottle a second later.
“Um…truth!” Apple Bloom said nervously when the bottle landed on her, since the look on Josh’s face made her think that taking a dare from him at the moment wasn’t a very smart idea.
“Fine…tell me WHY you love your sister!” Josh snapped, pointing a hoof at Applejack, “How can you love that evil pony? I can’t stop dreaming about hurling her off every cliff I’ve ever seen!”
“Why do I love mah sister?” Apple Bloom blinked, tilting her head as though confused, “But…she’s mah family…how can ah NOT love her?”
“Just because she’s family doesn’t mean you have to love her,” Josh hissed, “I HATE my entire family back on my world, because they’re nothing but dirty, moneygrubbing, abusive, hateful, back-stabbing, lying, cheating, evil jerks! So, tell me why you love this orange pony sitting in front of me.” Apple Bloom was silent for a moment, before she trotted over and nuzzled up to her big sister.
“Mah sister…isn’t like that,” Apple Bloom said softly, “Sure, we have our differences, and we fight sometimes, but what family members don’t? No matter what, ah know that mah big sister will always be there for me, just like ah’ll ahways be there for HER. Every time ah’m in trouble, and even when ah’m NOT in trouble, she’s ahways worryin’ about me, so she’s very protective. When ah’m sick or hurt, she’s ahways the first one to care for me and she never leaves mah side until ah’m better. When ah’m scared or cryin’ from havin’ a bad dream, she’s ahways there to make me know that it’s ahright and that she’s there for me. She lets me help her with the work, she fully trusts me, she tells me she loves me every day, she gives me hugs every day, she gives me freedom to hang out with mah friends whenever ah want, and she’s a lot smarter than ya’ll give her credit for. Ah…ah love her…and ah ahways will.”
Josh watched as the two sisters hugged each other, the hug naturally being a normal one that wasn’t bone-crushing. The stallion, oddly, felt his heart sink when he watched the loving scene. Sure, he felt nauseated when he even THOUGHT of loving his own horrid family like that, but that was only because he didn’t know that kind of love from a family. And, since he didn’t have any other blood relatives besides his evil family, he would NEVER feel that kind of love. Watching the Apple sisters hold each other and say such things about each other, he felt that the words weren’t lies. He didn’t believe in such things, but…he realized that THEY believed in them, and that’s all that mattered.
“Family, huh? Love, hmm?” Josh muttered, glancing down at the floor and feeling his chest hurt. His heart was pounding furiously, almost as if it was under attack, and he had to press a hoof to it to try and make it calm down. Why did he feel like crying again? He HATED Applejack; as strong a word as “hate” was, it was the truth…wasn’t it? Apple Bloom was tolerable, and he liked HER, but…Applejack? Never. Having HER as family would be…a nightmare. He was so concentrated in trying to make Applejack a monster that he failed to notice that Apple Bloom had spun the bottle again and it had stopped on him.
“So, Joshy, truth or dare?” the yellow filly asked, poking Josh’s lowered head to get his attention.
“W-what? Oh, uh, dare…” Josh stammered, not really realizing what just happened.
“Okay! Ah dare ya to kiss my sister, right on the lips, like ya MEAN it!” Apple Bloom giggled.
“…how would you like your death, Apple Bloom?” Josh said darkly, her eyes narrowing into slits that rivaled those of a snake or a cat, “Would you like it slow and painful, or quick and painless?” All three fillies laughed their heads off, just loving how they were playing with Josh, while Applejack looked both sickened and amused at the same time. When Josh finally forced himself to look over at her, the cowgirl was grinning and removing her hat.
“C’mon, Joshy…if ya’ll liked mah hugs…yer gonna just LOVE mah kisses!” Applejack smirked, licking her lips as she set her hat down beside her, “This time, ah MIGHT bite, too…just a warnin’ to ya.”
Josh felt sick to his stomach. He was either gonna lose the game and come in last place, or he was gonna get his first-ever kiss…and it was gonna come from a pony. His brain was telling him to just quit and refuse to do this, since he had more pride than winning at a silly game. However, his heart wouldn’t let his brain tell him what to do; he was very competitive, and no matter WHAT the game, he would NEVER quit, no matter what. Even if this game killed him, which it very well might do in a few minutes, Josh wasn’t about to quit. He had no choice.
“I’m spanking all your butts for this, I hope you know that,” Josh growled, very slowly inching his way towards Applejack, “And then I’m locking you all in a room with Pinkie Pie for two whole days!”
“Just give Applejack the meaningful kiss,” Sweetie Belle giggled.
“Ew…I’m not gonna look,” Scootaloo hacked, turning her head away, but still secretly watching out of the corner of her eye.
“Ooh, this is gonna be good!” Apple Bloom purred, “Don’t hold back, Joshy!”
Snarling and glaring at the fillies, Josh slowly sat down in front of Applejack once again. He was a rookie at this, so he really had no idea what he was doing. He gulped when Applejack placed her front hooves on his shoulders and began to pull him in. The former human began to shake as the blonde pony’s face slowly got closer and closer, the saliva still sparkling on her lips after she had licked them a moment ago. Her own emerald eyes locked with his, and she actually looked rather calm about this predicament. Before, she was sickened to think about it, but maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.
“Uh…wait…am I supposed to be holding you back?” Josh asked, halting his face within only inches of Applejack’s, “Where do my hands…ugh, HOOVES…go? Do I put them on your shoulders, you thighs, your back, or your…okay, I won’t say that last part, since there are fillies in the room, but…yeah, where do I put them?”
“Put them wherever you want,” Applejack whispered, “This is a kiss, Joshy boy…don’t think, just act. That’s how a kiss works.” She slowly began to lean in, but Josh once again stopped her.
“Wait…uh…am I supposed to tilt my head to the left or right?” Josh asked, “Or, do you just kiss straight away? The movies never really made that clear to me. And, how do our lips lock together? I mean, I don’t really have big lips, so I don’t know how they’ll fit with yours, Applejack. And when they finally touch, do I press in hard or do I just let them lay against each other like a blanket on a bed?”
“Ugh…Joshy boy…fer the last time, just DO it!” Applejack sighed, slowly growing frustrated, “Now, c’mon, give me a kiss…ya’ll can do it…just do what yer heart tells you to do and…”
“Wait…are we gonna use tongue?” Josh asked yet again, “And…do I nibble on your lips? On your tongue? How do we breathe? We breathe through our noses, right, since we’re gonna be locked in a kiss with our mouths? Do I close my eyes, or do I stare into yours? How do I know when to break the kiss and not make it feel awkward? Am I supposed to be stroking a certain lower part of the back of your body while we kiss, or do my hooves just stay still on whatever part of your body that I have them?”
“Joshy…please just kiss me…now,” Applejack growled, her left eye starting to twitch as her hooves tightened around Josh’s shoulders.
“Wait…can we please not try to mix our saliva together?” Josh whined, “I REALLY think that’s gross, and since you’re a disgusting pony, I really don’t want to taste you more than I have to. Oh, and if possible, could you not touch any part of my body besides my shoulders? I’d rather you not do that. Oh, and do I have to whisper sweet nothings to you between momentary breaks in our kiss, or do I just…”
“DANG IT, THAT TEARS IT!” Applejack roared, angrily shoving Josh away and hurling him all the way against the wall, “AH’VE HAD IT WITH YOU! PREPARE FOR SOME PAIN, JOSHY BOY!” The pony kicked her hat aside, took a few paws on the floor, then charged straight at Josh and took a flying leap as she rushed straight at him.
“HEY! IT WAS MY FIRST TIME!” Josh protested, trying to pull himself away from the wall, “YOU CRAZY FEMALE! AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY THERE’S SO MANY GAY MALES ON MY WORLD!” Then, he was silenced as Applejack smashed down on top of him and began to deliver a good old-fashioned beat-down. She could care less about passive resistance and not demonstrating violence in front of the fillies; Josh needed to get his head knocked in a few times after what just happened.
Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle all watched the one-sided fight in silence, wide grins on their faces as they watched Josh get pummeled to death by the enraged Applejack. They knew that those who fought all the time really cared for each other, and this was a surefire way to get Josh more used to this world. That and it was just very entertaining to watch. Slowly, the three fillies looked at one another, then looked down at the bottle in front of them.
“Best s’mores ever!” Sweetie Belle cheered, stuffing another one of the gooey treats into her mouth and chewing it up happily.
“Totally!” Scootaloo laughed, stuffing two into her mouth at once and causing melted chocolate to drip down her chin.
“Mmmmph! Mmmph, mmmmmph, mmmmmmmph?” Apple Bloom asked, her mouth already full as she tried to say something.
The three Cutie Mark Crusaders had finished up their game of truth or dare and moved right on to making some treats. Josh and Applejack finished up their one-sided fight, with Applejack pinning Josh down by sitting on him when the male still refused to physically strike the farmer, not to mention AJ had delivered quite a beating and left the alicorn in quite a lot of pain. Since Applejack didn’t want to let Josh out of her sight, she stayed right where she was while the three fillies went to make the snacks.
“Quite a lickin’, eh?” Applejack teased, wiping sweat off her forehead as she put her hat back on and smirked down at her seat, “It’s a shame that ya never learn yer lesson, Joshy boy.”
“First…get your big butt off me…it’s almost causing me more pain than the beating you just gave me!” Josh snarled, squirming uselessly as he cast glares back at the pony on his back, “Second…I’ve never kissed a girl before…it’s not my fault I didn’t want to screw it up!”
“The only way to experience and learn somethin’ is to do yer best when ya have the chance,” Applejack stated, wiggling her butt on the angry stallion’s backside, “Yer more stubborn than a mule. Why didn’t ya just kiss me and hope fer the best? Ah thought you didn’t want to lose.”
“I DIDN’T want to lose…” Josh grumbled, reaching up and poking at his horn, trying to make it use some magic to remove Applejack, but since he hadn’t learned how to use magic yet, it was pretty much just a useless stick on his head.
“So, why didn’t ya’ll just do the dang dare and get it over with?” Applejack frowned, “Even if ya just wanted to give me a little peck, ya still just worried so much about bein’ all fancy with it that ya drove me up the wall! What, do ya think that ah’m…ugly or somethin’?”
Josh opened his mouth to speak, but when he heard the slight decline in volume of Applejack’s loud voice, he glanced back and saw that she looked slightly hurt. The former human frowned and narrowed his eyes, wondering why she would care what he thought when the two didn’t like each other anyway. However, despite the fact he hated Equestria, he was still normally a gentleman to ladies. He highly enjoyed calling everyone around him fools and idiots, but he would never insult a woman’s beauty.
“No…you’re not ugly, Applejack,” Josh said calmly, “All females are beautiful in their own ways, and that includes you. I simply despise everything else about you and wish nothing more than to kick your ass without actually having to lay a finger…ugh, HOOF on you. So, you’d have to excuse me for not really wanting to kiss my biggest enemy on the lips; game or not, the lips are probably the most sensitive place on the body that one can be kissed, and I didn’t want to ruin my first time with my biggest enemy.”
“Gee…ah feel loads better,” Applejack frowned, lifting up her butt and slamming it back down onto Josh’s back, smirking when it incited a yelp of pain from the stallion, “Aww, sorry…guess that hug of mine is still causin’ problems fer yer back, eh?”
“Sadistic little quadruped,” Josh whispered, crossing his forelegs as Applejack chuckled and continued to sit on him.
When the Cutie Mark Crusaders eventually returned to the room after making a second batch of s’mores, due to the first batch being devoured almost immediately by the threesome, they instantly giggled at seeing Applejack using Josh as a seat. Instead of helping Josh out, however, they instead sat down only a few inches away from him and offered him a s’more as compensation for having been beaten up and humiliated by Applejack. Of course, Josh wasn’t entirely thrilled with the lack of support from his filly friends.
“What’s wrong, Joshy? Don’t ya’ll like s’mores?” Apple Bloom asked, noticing that Josh wasn’t touching the s’more that she gave him, “They’re really good and gooey and delicious!”
“Pinkie makes the best ones in town, but my sister showed me how to make them PERFECTLY,” Sweetie Belle explained, “So, I’d say Rarity would come in a close second.”
“Ugh…girls…I was just beaten up by a stupid orange farmer pony and now she’s freaking sitting on me!” Josh snarled, starting to regain some of his strength and continuing to try and buck Applejack off, “I’M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR A STUPID S’MORE!”
“Geez, talk about crabby,” Scootaloo grumbled, “Personally, I’d be honored if Rainbow Dash wanted to sit on me. Why aren’t you honored that AJ wants to sit on YOU? She has helped save our world a few times, you know.”
“Oh, goody, THERE’S the punch line that I was waiting for,” Josh said sarcastically, “As it turns out, Twilight Sparkle and her band of dorky friends are really superheroes only posed as everyday citizen ponies of the world. I really should’ve seen that coming; Applejack seems like the type to be a dimwitted sidekick. Twilight is obviously the leader, right? And my guess is…OW!” Having had enough of Josh’s lip, Applejack had delivered a kick to the back of Josh’s head to shut him up.
“If ya’ll had actually bothered to get to know us better like we were tryin’ to do with you, ya would’ve known all that already!” Applejack scolded, “And…we ain’t no superheroes. We just wield the elements of harmony when we have to, that’s all. Ah’m just a hard-workin’ apple farmer makin’ a livin’ by helpin’ out mah family and tryin’ to make Equestria a better place to live.”
“You make me sick with your talk of perfection,” Josh growled, “You remind me of a woman by the name of Rosie O’Donnell. All she cares about is making the world a better place and trying to bring good will and joy to all human beings. Oh…wait, that’s Oprah Winfrey I’m thinking of…well, either way, it’s so annoying to see and listen to such nonsense.”
“How is that annoying? That lady sounds like a great person,” Sweetie Belle said, laying down on her belly and idly kicking her hind legs back and forth while looking at Josh, “Isn’t that how you WANT someone to think? Josh, are you a bad boy and just want the world to be a bad place?”
“What? No! Nothing like that, Sweetie Belle!” Josh said quickly, “All I’m saying is that trying to make a difference in the world is pointless, because it’s never gonna work or matter! Every day, there’s always gonna be something bad happening, somewhere someplace. It doesn’t matter how many lives you try to change for the better. It’s like planting a tree in a barren wasteland. Sure, you have dreams of turning the horrid landscape into a lush and beautiful forest again, but in reality it’s never gonna happen. Why dream of things that cannot exist and will only hurt you when you think of them?”
“Because dreams are what we all strive for in life!” Scootaloo said, “I dream of becoming more like Rainbow Dash every day. I really admire her and idolize her; she’s just so awesome. Sure, maybe I never will become as cool as her…heck, I don’t think that’s even possible! But, you know what? I keep trying anyway, because when you stop trying, you’re nothing but a failure.”
“Well said, Scootaloo,” Applejack smiled, giving the filly a pat on the head, “Ya hear that, Joshy? Sure, our world is different from yours…very different, in fact…but, why is that such a bad thing? Ya’ll have lived in your world yer entire life, right? And you’ve said that it’s done nothin’ but kick ya in the butt yer whole life, correct? So, wouldn’t bein’ here with a fresh start make for a good new chapter in yer life?”
“If only it was that easy…but it isn’t,” Josh sniffed, shaking his head in disgust, “Don’t you understand? My life is NEVER gonna change. Even if I DID like you, Applejack…which I don’t, so don’t even THINK that I do…it wouldn’t make a difference. You’d just do what all my other so-called friends and family have done to me, which is backstab and hurt me and just want me dead and gone. Why should I think that you’re any different than them, just because you’re a pony and you seemingly can do no wrong in this creepy world of perfection?”
“Joshy boy…nothin’ is perfect…shoot, ah know ah’m not perfect!” Applejack said, laying down on Josh’s back and gently stroking Josh’s mane, “But, if ya go yer whole life wantin’ perfection, yer just gonna get yerself hurt even worse. If ya don’t want to be in yer world…but ya don’t want to be here either…where are ya wantin’ to go? Do…do you just not…want to live anymore?”
The room grew quiet as Applejack’s serious question lingered in Josh’s ears. The former human closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath as he tried to control his temper. Applejack was so correct and it angered him; he HATED being in the wrong and he hated being off by others. But, he didn’t know how to answer her. Yes, he did indeed hate his world, and yet here he was wanting to go BACK to that very same world. But, he hated THIS world, too; Equestria was too perfect and much too girly. He couldn’t have it both ways; he knew that. But, planet Earth is his home, which means that that was where he belonged, right? Nothing else mattered; that was where he was born and that was where he should be.
“Applejack…of course I want to live…I would never even DREAM of ending my life just because I didn’t like the place where I lived,” Josh explained, glancing back and looking at the orange earth pony, “And, I know that nothing is perfect…hell, I’m not perfect myself. I’m far from it. I know that I’m a rotten person, but I really don’t care. You know that…we all have darkness and light inside of our hearts, right?”
“We…we do?” Scootaloo asked, widening her eyes and looking a bit fearful, “But…I don’t have darkness in my heart…I’m not a bad girl, I’m a good girl!”
“I’m sorry, but that’s the truth, Scootaloo,” Josh said solemnly, “No matter what the creature, no matter if you’re real or fake, boy or girl, villain or hero…we all have light and darkness in our hearts. We have yin and yang, love and hate, cold and warm…it’s all there. It’s what makes us all alive. Even if you don’t see it, it’s there. If someone was simply all good or all evil…they couldn’t exist; they would just become an entity that would basically be nothing more than a being of light or dark.”
“Um…but…ah don’t feel…darkness…inside of mah heart…” Apple Bloom whimpered, placing a hoof over her chest as her ears drooped.
“Of course you don’t, sweetie; some of us are potentially more on the side of good than we are evil,” Josh chuckled, “You could have 90% light and 10% dark in your heart, or vice-versa; it really doesn’t matter. Even the biggest villains have a bit of love and light in their hearts; you might not ever get a chance to see it, but they do. As long as you are alive, you will always have both sides of the spectrum of life inside of you. It’s what keeps the world in balance.”
“But…that can’t be true for Princess Celestia!” Sweetie Belle argued, “She’s our wonderful ruler! She can’t possibly have any darkness inside of her!”
“Oh REALLY? So, she’s absolutely PERFECT then?” Josh questioned, “She hasn’t done a single thing wrong? She’s never, EVER caused you to doubt her? She’s NEVER made a choice that left SOMEBODY feeling angry, duped, confused, or hurt?”
“Er…well…” Applejack muttered, hesitating to talk about the princess in a negative light, “She…kinda did…banish her little sister to the moon for 1,000 years…but, that was totally justified due to…”
“WHOA! She did WHAT to her little sister?!?!” Josh gasped, widening his eyes in shock, “Jesus Christ! And you think Celestia is PERFECT? Ha, yeah right! I don’t care WHAT reason she had; that right there is beyond evil! If her sister wasn’t out killing any ponies, then I don’t care; that was beyond evil. So, thank you, AJ; you’ve just proved my point. Your so-called ‘perfect’ ruler isn’t so perfect after all.”
“But…what are you trying to prove here?” Scootaloo asked, scratching her chin curiously, “So we all have darkness and lightness inside of our hearts…what’s that got to do with anything?”
“It’s my reason for never wanting to trust or love anyone,” Josh said simply, “Since no one is perfect, that means that we all sometimes will have a violent, negative, or wrongful thought lingering inside of our hearts and minds. That is what’s hurt me my entire life; I was the scapegoat for all those negative and evil thoughts. I was the good boy who was the perfect victim to take advantage of. So, it’s why I refuse to believe in friendship and love.”
“Joshy, if that’s true, then how will ya’ll EVER make friends or…fall in love?” Apple Bloom asked, speaking the last part slightly higher than the first part. Applejack flushed when she heard her sister say such a personal question, and gave her a little glare while Josh tried to formulate an answer.
“That’s just it, Apple Bloom,” Josh sighed, clearly getting tired of talking, “I don’t WANT friends and I sure as hell don’t want to fall in love. Love is just ‘evil’ spelled backwards…and with an ‘o’ instead of an ‘I’ in there. Love is fake and complete garbage. Did you know that, on my world, the average marriage usually lasts less than a year? Yeah, true love my ass. I just want to live my life without feeling attached to ANYONE or ANYTHING. Love is fake, friends are fakers, and the world is a top spinning on its axis and waiting for someone to take it for another ride when it stops.”
“What are we then?” Sweetie Belle asked, giving Josh a sad look, “We said that we’ll love you no matter what, and we meant it with all our hearts. Do you…not want us as friends?”
Josh looked up and saw the sad look on Sweetie Belle’s face, unlike the angry looks that he was used to getting with Twilight and her friends. He glanced to the side and saw the same hurt look on Scootaloo’s face, perhaps with a hint of anger mixed in, but that was due to Scootaloo’s gruff personality. Apple Bloom and Applejack were both behind Josh, and since the latter was still resting on his back, he couldn’t move to see their expressions. However, since he could only assume that they looked the same way.
Applejack herself looked slightly shaken at Josh’s words; he spoke so calmly and sure of himself while he rejected such things as love and friendship that it really made her scared. Sure, she didn’t like Josh that much at all, and the two were always fighting, but she badly wanted him to change his mind. In her heart, she knew that she and her friends hadn’t made a good first impression. They had tried to change him without taking his feelings into consideration, and for that, she was very sorry. However, at the same time, she knew that she and her friends couldn’t even begin to help unless Josh was willing to give an inch as well. At the moment, it didn’t seem like that was ever gonna be possible. Applejack needed a key to unlock Josh’s heart, and there was no such skeleton key in existence to do so.
“You are…you are…friendly acquaintances while I’m forced to reside in this world,” Josh finally said, trying to tell it like it is, “When I eventually go home after your silly princess finds a spell to do the deed, we’ll never see each other again. And don’t give me that crap about ‘oh, but we’ll be together in spirit’ or ‘but we’ll never forget you’ or ‘our hearts will always be connected’, since that junk is just for cheap Disney movies that don’t even make sense. You all know as well as I do that once I go home, none of us will ever think of each other again and all of this will have been for nothing. Therefore, you three fillies are just friendly acquaintances that I don’t mind being around…while Applejack is a rival, at best.”
The words cut deep to the hearts of all four of the ponies that were in the room. Parts of Josh’s speech that hurt the most stayed with the three fillies and Applejack, but all of it could still easily be felt. With the tension being so thick that it could be cut with a knife, Josh was figuring to get some backslash from the four ponies. He was stunned when he felt Applejack slowly move off his back without a word or a slap to the head. Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo all slowly moved away from Josh, but continued to give him very sad looks. All four ponies looked on the verge of tears.
“Friendly…acquaintances…okay, that’s…fair…” Apple Bloom sniffed, the pink bow on her head sagging down as she lifted up a hoof to dry her left eye, “That…makes perfect sense…yeah, what were we thinkin’…right, girls?”
“Yes…we’re stupid…we’re just acquaintances…I’m fine with that…” Sweetie Belle said, forcing a very pained and disturbing smile as she began to drag out her sleeping bag, “Let’s…just go to bed now, okay? The sleepover…um…well, the fun is gone.”
“Yeah…good idea…let’s just sleep this night away,” Scootaloo muttered, pulling out her sleeping bag as well, “Good night, girls…love you all. And…goodnight, Josh…” That was all she said before she hurried into her bag and went silent almost immediately.
Applejack watched as Josh slowly got to his hooves. He grumbled slightly about how bad his back hurt, but when he saw the look Applejack was giving him, he immediately shut up. He wasn’t scared of her, as proven when he basically ASKED her to beat him up so much, but the look that she was giving him now was scarier than any of the others. She didn’t look angry like she wanted to kill him…she looked like she was about to cry. Seeing a tough mare like Applejack in such a situation made Josh’s heart prickle and made him feel very uneasy. Hearing all three Cutie Mark Crusaders go silent was no less unsettling.
“Well, Joshy…yer first night in Equestria…hopefully, judgin’ from yer words, it’ll be yer last,” Applejack said calmly, her voice shaking a little as she turned away from him, “Ah’ll leave ya alone now…please don’t do anythin’ to mah sister and her friends…ah trust that you won’t, though…since yer ‘friendly acquaintances’ don’t seem to be enemies or rivals to you…like ah am.”
“Oh, shut up!” Josh snapped, “Stop with the sadness and the waterworks; it’s not gonna work! All I did was speak the truth. You, my dear, just cannot handle the truth. It’s not my fault you have such a weak heart. Maybe if you went through what I did, you’d be stronger and be prepared for this type of thing!”
“So…ah need to have a life of misery to know how it feels?” Applejack whispered, staring into Josh’s eyes as she put her hat back on.
“Yes, you do…and that’s all there is to it,” Josh said calmly, heading over to the sofa, “I suppose this will be a good enough place to sleep for this night…I’m used to sleeping on the floor or on sofas.”
“Well…goodnight, Joshy boy…have good dreams…” Applejack said, turning around and heading for the door. Josh’s words still lingered in her mind, mostly the “Applejack is a rival, at best” part. That “at best” is what was hurting Applejack the most. She had no idea why. She knew that Josh didn’t like her. She herself despised his attitude and desired nothing more than to kick his ass each and every day until he started acting like a civilized pony. But…somehow…it hurt worse than anything she’d ever felt before.
Casting one last look back at Josh, secretly hoping for an apology or a sign of atonement, all she received as the back of Josh’s head as he turned away from her and lay down on the sofa. The three small sleeping bags containing the shivering fillies aligned the floor, and the house was as silent as a graveyard. The s'more that Sweetie Belle had been offering Josh lay untouched in the same place that she had left it. With a rare tear in her eye, Applejack eased her way out the door, shut the light off behind her, and left without another word.
Josh thought he had another dream. It was a curious image that formed inside of his mind while he snoozed during his first night in Equestria. Normally, the boy was good at remembering his dreams, since his memory was one of the keenest in the entire human race back on planet Earth. He would usually wake up during his naps or his sleep sessions and could easily visualize what dreams had invaded his fragile mind during his time of rest. This night, however, was completely different than any night he had ever experienced.
When Josh fell asleep crying after coming home from being bullied to death, he could remember the nightmares that his mind created that evening. When Josh got assaulted and verbally abused by his parents, Josh could remember the dreams that kept him company during his lonely nights. When Josh was made out to be a fool when his former friends turned on him and a girl he had a crush on chose an idiot over him, Josh could always remember the dark or happy dreams that accompanied him during his restless slumber. Tonight, however, was something entirely new for the former human.
Huh…where is this? Josh wondered, glancing around the void that he found himself floating in, Oh, nice, I’m back in my human body, too…how quaint. I’m guessing this is a dream? Probably one of those stupid “falling dreams” that also got me screaming and rolling out of my bed. Ugh…damn I hate it when I have one of those dreams and you don’t have control over your body!
Josh glanced down and admired his human body that was floating in the void of darkness that surrounded him, but when he tried to move his arms and legs, it was like his limbs were buried in cement. This was nothing new; most of his dreams usually involved him running away from something and having his legs feel like jelly. However, there was something foreboding and even creepy about this “dream” that he found himself in. Why was he in his human body? Why was he floating all by himself in a blackened realm?
I bet that stupid Twilight Sparkle is doing this to me! Josh growled, writhing as though he was in pain, She can use magic, right? The stupid witch! I bet Applejack went and whined to her to teach me a lesson. I bet any moment now, a stupid white angel or ghost is gonna pop up out of this black void and start scolding me. Oh boy, I swear to God, if I hear that crap about meeting three ghosts and seeing my past, present and future, so help me…
But a ghost didn’t appear. In fact, nothing resembling anything white-colored appeared in Josh’s dream. Instead, he just continued to float through the darkness, unable to move any part of his body and feeling more and more lightheaded with each passing minute. He tried screaming his head off, thrashing as hard as he could, closing his eyes and reopening them, but nothing worked. It seemed like he was gonna be stuck in his dark dream world until he woke up. IF he woke up.
Wait…is this…death? Josh wondered, narrowing his eyes and glancing around the dark chasm even harder, Am I…dead? Humph…I bet one of those ponies did this to me while I was sleeping…oh well, whatever; at least I didn’t feel any pain. We all have to go sometime…even though I really didn’t want my life to end at the hands of a stupid creepy-colored horse! How insulting. And I was still young, too! Dammit, I didn’t deserve to die! I demand a second chance!
As Josh’s anger and pain grew, the dark void surrounding and enveloping his body seemed to stiffen and grow stronger. Without realizing it, Josh was fueling his nightmare, or whatever it was he was inhabiting. The human kept screaming angry statements into the darkness, demanding to have his life back and to have another chance at life. He was sure that he wasn’t done yet. If fate intended for him to die, it would’ve taken him a long time ago. Why make him suffer through all the drama in his life just to have it end at the hooves of ponies in a near-perfect cartoon world? If that was the way fate worked, it was beyond cruel. Josh found “Final Destination” to be funnier than this.
LET ME GO! I DEMAND TO BE BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE! Josh’s mind screamed, his thoughts flowing through his mouth as he projected his rage into the black and foreboding realm, THIS IS FREAKING UNFAIR! WAKE UP, YOU BASTARD, WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!
But he couldn’t wake up. His muscles continued to tighten and his breaths began to get heavy and difficult to expel. His chest wheezed in and out with his heart pounding into his throat. The darkness was getting stronger with each angry word that Josh thought or spoke. He was slowly strangling himself to death, ironically, due to his own suffering. The boy couldn’t wake himself up. He couldn’t feel his body. He was all alone, just as he had been his whole life. He had nothing. The silent, dark void WAS his life. No, it was his heart.
Can’t…breathe… Josh gasped, his eyes beginning to bulge out of his head as he felt his lungs tightening and becoming to decompress, Suffocating…stop this…let me go…damn you…you won’t take me…that easy! I’m a fighter…if you want me, death…COME AND GET ME!
Josh put on a crazed grin, laughing in the face of death. Even as his body remained useless and his heart continued to pound faster and faster, with his breathing becoming more and more lax, he continued to mock the thought of dying. He would not accept it. This was not how he was gonna go out. But, as he took his final breath, his mind began to slow and his heartbeat could no longer be felt. Instead, he could hear it. He could hear the soft and labored thumping echoing through the pitch-black realm. His fading heart was keeping him company.
I’m dead, aren’t I? Josh thought, his eyes slowly beginning to flutter between open and shut, Damn you, death…you’re such a sick bastard.
Then, Josh felt something. It was another presence. Even on death’s doorstop, Josh’s rage and pain wouldn’t quell. As his eyes were beginning to finally shut, he thought he saw something red and glowing lurking somewhere far, far away in front of him. Hiding within the dark realm of his mind. His beating heart slowed and eventually stopped, but the eerie redness continued to linger. It was coming closer and closer to Josh with every passing second of his remaining life. With his hearing shot and his mouth lame, he used his perfect vision to get a good look at the thing before he was taken away.
What…is that? Josh wondered, watching as the red objects continue to come closer and closer to him, just as his eyes finally shut, Oh, great…I’m being sneaked up upon by some kind of demon…or monster…or Death itself. Yay, I’m about to be ripped apart…maybe have my soul gashed from my body…perhaps have my limp heart chewed straight out of my chest…oh, Death, you are such a cruel, sick, heartless bastard. I hate you, Death. Kiss my ass, why don’t you?
Josh opened his eyes, his mouth stretched wide open in a silent scream as he lay on his back. He stared up at the ceiling, his eyes bloodshot and his heart pounding furiously within his chest. He was locked in a frozen, terrified stance, but his voice wouldn’t come to him. He thought he could still see the red demon on the ceiling of Applejack’s house, within the darkness of the sleepover room. Just hiding and mocking him as it slowly faded away back into his head. Back into his dreams. But, as of that moment, the stallion was alive. The disgustingly-horrified expression frozen on his face made it clear that he was not feeling so well, though.
His body was drenched in cold sweat, ruining his mane that Sweetie Belle had worked so hard to get right before they went to bed. His hind legs were clenched around one of the pillows on the sofa with his tail ruptured between all three. His right foreleg was hanging limp and cold off the side of the sofa with his left clutching his beating heart and never wanting to let it go. Finally, he was able to expel some deep breaths from his lungs, but his mouth remained locked in the wide oval of terror at what he had just experienced.
Without moving even an inch, Josh’s trembling green pupils darted to either side of his sockets as they scanned the dark room. The window nearby showed a full moon in the sky, the elevated height casting a reddish glow through the window pain as it flooded a quarter of the room. On the floor, the three Cutie Mark Crusaders all slept snuggled together in their sleeping bags, snoring softly and cutely while having sweet dreams. Josh’s uneaten s’more lay untouched in the same place he had left it after turning away from Applejack just before collapsing on the sofa. Applejack…where was she?
“Apple…jack?” Josh choked out, finally managing to find his voice as lifted his head an inch off the soaked couch, “Any…body?” But, his voice didn’t wake the three fillies, nor did it somehow bring Applejack back into the room. It was late at night, possibly sometime in the morning, but since he couldn’t see a clock in the room, he couldn’t tell. Josh couldn’t go back to sleep.
Slowly rising from the cold and wet sofa, Josh continued to catch his breath. He shuddered, realizing just how cold he was, and feeling stupid for not having grabbed a blanket or something to bundle up with. He glanced down at the sofa and shook his head at how badly he had sweat during his…nightmare? No, that was no nightmare. That was something worse. Something he couldn’t explain. Something different and something evil. But, exactly WHAT was it?
“Twilight Sparkle…are you there?” Josh whispered, easing himself off the sofa and landing shakily on his sore hooves, “Is this…some kind of sick joke? Are you…punishing me? Good one…you’re awesome…now, come out so that I can kill you.” But, Twilight Sparkle didn’t come out. No one did. Josh was still alone, save for the three sleeping fillies on the floor.
Shaking his head, Josh carefully eased his way past Sweetie Belle, then maneuvered around Scootaloo, before finally stepping over Apple Bloom. He needed to go for a walk to clear his mind. His heart was still beating so quickly that he was afraid he was gonna suffer a heart attack. Perhaps that’s all what had happened. Maybe he had suffered a heart attack, or perhaps even a seizure, and that’s what caused that worse-than-a-nightmare nightmare. He wasn’t sure, since he had never had a heart attack or seizure before. But, all he knew was that his mind refused to stray away from what had taken place during his sleep. Josh couldn’t let it rest.
Being as quiet as he could, Josh twisted the doorknob with his right hoof and opened the door. It creaked slightly, but besides a soft squeak from Apple Bloom and a rather annoying snort from Scootaloo, the Cutie Mark Crusaders stayed asleep. Muttering to himself, Josh stepped out into the darkened hallway of Applejack’s quiet farmhouse and shut the door behind him. At a young age, Josh had developed a fear of the dark. Due to the horrifying ghost stories his biological father had teased him with, Josh had always been afraid of the dark. He spoke a big game, but in his greatest times of need, even Josh didn’t want to be by himself in a dark place. This was one of those times.
“Applejack…where are you?” Josh hissed, his eyes nervously darting around the empty home, “Please, come out…I need to go for a walk…oh, dammit, I sounded like a stupid dog…” The only answer he got was the soft rustling of the wind outside brushing against the nearby kitchen windows. He realized that he was on his own this time.
Goody…the ONE time I want one of these dumbass ponies with me, they’re all asleep! Josh thought to himself, angrily trotting towards the front door, I don’t care if it IS nighttime…that’s no excuse! Ugh, I’m gonna kill someone…where’s Simon Cowell when you need him?
Opening up the front door, another gust of wind instantly nailed him right in the face, causing his sweaty body to shiver from the cool feeling. Equestria sure did chilly at nighttime. He really didn’t like the cold, but Josh really needed to go for a walk to clear his head. He was afraid that if he didn’t, he’d need to hit something, and he didn’t want to hurt one of the fillies or damage Applejack’s house. As much as he didn’t like her, he wasn’t stupid enough to commit vandalism and destruction of property just because he had apparently had a bad dream.
Closing the door to Applejack’s house behind him, Josh took a deep inhale of the crisp nighttime air and began to trot along a path through Sweet Apple Acres. Somehow, glancing at all the still apple trees, each one with ripe and beautiful apples hanging off its branches, made him at peace. The horrific nightmare or whatever it was that he had still lingered in the back of his mind, but before long, he was starting to easily push it past him. He had been through worse before. Heck, it was probably just karma getting the best of him again. Nothing to worry about, really.
“Huh…look at this place…that silly little farmer pony harvests all these every year?” Josh mused out loud, trotting up to the nearest apple tree and tapping the trunk, “Man…she’s WAY stronger than I give her credit for…these are solid trees! Damn, I’d have to be in the way of her if she REALLY wanted to let me have it. Wait…why the HELL am I speaking NICE things about her? I HATE that pony! Well, hate’s a strong word, but…it’s true, ain’t it? I hate this world and everyone and everything on it! But, then again, I hate my world as well…I hate everything.”
Giving a sigh, Josh sat his rump down at the base of the apple tree he chose and glanced up at the sky. The full moon seemed to right overhead, as though it was looking down at him. Out here in the open, it no longer had that creepy, reddish glow to it. In fact, it was rather beautiful. The sparkling stars aligning the night sky complimented the lunar sphere nicely. Josh always did love the nighttime, despite his secret fear of darkness. It was such a beautiful time, seeing the artwork that was crafted each and every evening. It was never the same; it was always different and always changing. It was lovely.
“Josh…what are you gonna do?” Josh spoke out loud to himself, propping his chin up on his right hoof as he stared glumly at the ground, “All you do is stick your foot…ugh, HOOF in your mouth over and over again. This world seriously isn’t for you…but that’s not your fault, right? These ponies are SO freaking lame! They’re girly, they’re freaky, they’re stupid, they’re retarded, they’re obviously mostly lesbian, they have weird colors, they talk too much…I can’t STAND them! And yet…why do I find myself so hesitant to now want to return my home as quickly as before?”
It was at that moment that Josh remembered Zecora, and how he was supposed to go back and get a special bath to cure his poison joke ailment. He certainly didn’t want to spend another whole day as a stupid pony. He still wasn’t used to his wings, his horn was as good as useless at the moment, he hated walking around on all fours, and he felt so much weaker than he did as a human. Plus, having a tail made his butt itch a lot. He had to head back to see the zebra tomorrow for sure.
“Okay…so, the plan is…get Zecora to fix me…then deal with these loser ponies for as long as I can until their troll of a princess finally contacts me and informs me that she has a way to send me home,” Josh said out loud, crossing his forelegs and smiling, “Yes, perfect plan! I’ll be home before I know it! And then I won’t ever have to see this dumbass place again. No more Twilight, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, Apple Bloom or…Applejack.”
The image of Applejack came into his mind, and Josh paused for a second as he thought of the blonde pony. He HATED blondes; he found them to be so idiotic. Plus, Applejack was rather smelly, she had white acme or pimples or SOMETHING on her face, she had a volatile temper that she didn’t mind unleashing on Josh’s butt when he was acting up, she wore a stupid hat, she spoke with that stupid cliché southern accent that Josh really aggravating, she harvested fruit and Josh HATED fruit, and she was just downright ANNOYING. But, despite all that…he couldn’t get her out of his mind.
“DAMMIT! I’M GONNA KICK HER ASS!” Josh roared, getting to his hooves and slamming them onto the ground, “I’M GONNA FIND A BIGGER CLIFF THAN LAST TIME AND THROW HER OFF IT! SHE’S GONNA BECOME A LARGE PANCAKE THAT’D BE BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ENTIRE VILLAGE TO EAT!”
The angry former human stomped back and forth in a huff, pondering what to do next and how to get revenge on Applejack for really no reason at all. Since he was “calmer” now, he was thinking of heading back to the farmhouse and getting some more sleep. After all, he WAS a guest, so he still had the rights to sleep there. However, upon glancing up at the moon again, Josh felt his heart begin to lighten up. It was like the moon was calling to him to relax. It was then that he felt like singing.
Closing his eyes, Josh concentrated hard and used the world of Equestria to his advantage. Soft and beautiful music began to play out of nowhere, as was accustomed to the cartoonish world, and as the stallion opened his eyes back up and glanced upwards at the twinkling stars, he gave a rare smile and he began to sing softly out loud.
Josh: Open up my mind with these spoken words. Let this music soar like a flock of birds. This world is really lame, lame, lame, yeah. And yet I’m still here, ooh. Is this how it’s supposed to be? Living life with dumb ponies so close to me? Oh, God, this can’t be my remedy! My head’s so freaking numb; I think I need therapy. Yeah, it’s been only a day now, and yet I haven’t gone crazy; what I want to know is how? I’m smacking the ponies down; I can hear their squeaks now, seeing wrong signs when I turn around.
At that moment, Applejack suddenly trots out from behind a nearby apple tree very close to Josh and begins to sing with him.
Applejack: Hey, dumb Joshy, what you hatin’ on? Lookin’ at life, like how did ya get it wrong. Life’s too short, ya gotta live it long. I wish ya didn’t hate me; when will we get along? Hey, dumb Joshy, what you hatin’ on? What you really hatin’ on? Life’s too short, ya gotta live it long. I wish ya didn’t hate me; when will we get along?
Josh looked angry and embarrassed that Applejack was there, but it didn’t stop him from continuing.
Josh: What’s peace to a moron like me? I just don’t belong here, can’t you see, yeah? I could cry, put my face in the sky and live life like I’m never gonna die. Sure, we’re fighting and fussing over nothing; so much destruction, looking upwards. Combusting like nothing, now listen. It takes dedication, to change your direction. From bad to good, you just have to keep elevating. But I’m nothing, family's nothing, all you ponies nothing. I just really hate this, living on this feeling. Damn, I just want to scream; AJ, do you hear me? Wait until I go back; this is all for nothing.
Josh growled and looked away, but at that moment Applejack got right up close to his side as she sang the final lines of the song.
Applejack: Hey, dumb Joshy, what you hatin’ on? Lookin’ at life, focusin’ on just the wrong. Life’s real weak, ya gotta live it strong. I wish ya didn’t hate me; can we please just get along? Hey, dumb Joshy, what you hatin’ on? What you really hatin’ on? Life’s real weak, ya gotta live it strong. I wish ya didn’t hate me; can we please just get along?
Josh wanted to kill Applejack. She had dared interrupt his private song and had humiliated him. He desired nothing more than to destroy her, right then and there. But, as the mare pressed up against his side, his face flushed and found himself unable to harm her. Not like he could anyway; he knew that he would never lay a hoof on her. But, all the same, it didn’t stop him from being pissed off about her intrusion during a private moment of his.
“Sorry, Joshy…ah can tell that yer none too pleased with me,” Applejack spoke, giving a little chuckle as she turned to look the stallion in the face, “Can ya forgive me?”
“I don’t know…can we take a little walk to that cliff from earlier?” Josh said sarcastically, “The darkness should really help the matter so that you don’t see it.”
“Hardy har-har,” Applejack frowned, pushing the former human with a hoof and glaring at him, “Now that was just uncalled her! All ah did was sing with ya. What, do ah not have a good enough voice for ya? Is mah accent too stupid for yer likin’? Or maybe ya just don’t want to be caught singin’ with a blonde pony who smells bad, right?”
“...pretty much,” Josh smirked. He grinned in delight when he saw Applejack fuming at him. Oddly enough, getting under her skin always thrilled him and got him to forget most of his troubles. Why, he had no idea. There was just something about torturing the farmer pony that made him happy.
“For yer information, ya dang rascal, ah sing all the time and ah personally don’t think ah’m that bad!” Applejack snapped, “If it wasn’t fer me, ya’ll would’ve just embarrassed yerself out here. Ya wanna know somethin’ that stinks? It ain’t me…it’s yer singin’, Joshy!” It was Applejack’s turn to grin when she saw Josh ready to blow up. She couldn’t explain it, but something about teaching Josh a lesson, both verbally and physically, really satisfied her. She really never had the chance before to have “fun” like this. She would never hurt her friends, or Spike, or her family. Josh kinda asked for it, and she was more than happy to deliver each and every time.
Two minutes later, Josh once again found himself moaning in pain and laying on the ground after another thorough whipping, courtesy of Applejack. Again, the hayseed filly had taken a seat right on the stallion’s back as a sign of victory, proudly grinding her butt down onto his backside as she gave a playful chuckle. Either Josh didn’t like to fight girls, or he was just bad at upfront attacks. Either way, the boy was pretty easy to beat when it came to frontal assaults.
“Get your big butt OFF my back!” Josh snarled, squirming and trying to throw Applejack off, but just like last time, he had no such luck, “Damn you! I am NOT your seat!”
“Shut it, or ah’ll shut it for you by sittin’ on yer face!” Applejack warned, giving Josh an evil smirk to prove that she wasn’t joking around.
“Try it and see what happens!” Josh dared, but when he saw Applejack beginning to scoot her rump towards the back of his neck, he widened his eyes in fear and quickly shook his head. “Okay, okay, sheez! You can sit on my back for now…I’ll punish you for it later.”
“Ah knew you’d see things mah way,” Applejack giggled, leaning back and propping her hind legs up onto her lap as she got comfortable on Josh’s back, “Sure is a pretty night, don’t ya think? Ya picked a nice night to go fer a walk, Joshy boy.” She glanced up at the sky and gave a content smile.
“Yeah…I like picking good nights and not bad nights, you see,” Josh said sarcastically. He decided to not tell Applejack about the weird nightmare he had. There was no point in getting her acting like Twilight again and worrying about every little thing. That was ALL he needed; another female to nag him and worry about nothing. All females were good at were nagging and yelling anyway.
The two stayed together in silence for a while, neither pony having the courage to really say the next words. Applejack wiggled her butt now and then on Josh’s back, while Josh squirmed and attempted to buck her off at the same time, always to no avail. Applejack glanced down at Josh now and then to try and get a read on his face, but every time she tried, he would always attempt to glare up at HER, so she was forced to quickly look away and pretend that she was looking up at the stars. Eventually, Josh broke the silence.
“Hey…I don’t take back what I said, but…I’m sorry for upsetting your sister and her friends,” Josh grumbled, gritting his teeth as he forced himself to say the apology, “I didn’t mean to make them sad. But…I didn’t know what else to say…I only speak the truth, you see.”
“Only speak the truth…ya sound an awful lot like me, Joshy boy,” Applejack said calmly, “Ah’m the element of honesty, ya know. You only speak the truth? Well…so do ah. Funny how that is, eh?”
“Yeah…wow, we have ONE thing in common…what a miracle!” Josh snickered, “It seems that we’re not miles away from each other…only about 90% of a mile. Say…why are you out here anyway?”
“Oh…well, ah couldn’t sleep…was tossin’ and turnin’ all night…so, ah went to check up on mah sister and her friends, and saw that you were gone,” Applejack explained, “Ah came out here and heard ya singin’, and…well, ah wanted to join ya.”
Another silence followed. Josh wanted to ask Applejack exactly WHY she had joined him. Neither of them liked each other. They both kept fighting and they both knew that they really had nothing in common, besides the fact that they always spoke the truth. Therefore, the former human really had no idea why Applejack would want to sing with him. Did she just want to embarrass him? Did she want to insult him, like he kept doing to her? Or…was she just being nice? He had no idea.
“Humph…well…I SUPPOSE you had a pretty decent voice…now that I think about it,” Josh muttered, looking away from Applejack as she bounced a little on his back, “Thanks for singing backup…Jackie.”
“Whoa…what did ya just call me?” Applejack gasped, a small blush appearing on her face.
“I called you ‘Jackie’…something wrong with that?” Josh frowned, “You keep calling me that annoying ‘Joshy’, so I thought I’d call you ‘Jackie’ in turn. Does it bug you? Good, I’ll keep doing it.” He let out a little snicker, failing to see Applejack’s red face turning even redder. She didn’t really know how to feel about what Josh called her. She hadn’t been called that cute nickname since she was a filly. It’d been such a long time.
“Heh…Jackie…nice,” Applejack whispered, slowly laying down on Josh’s back and closing her eyes, “Joshy…and Jackie…both j’s…cute.” The orange pony cuddled up on Josh’s warm back, using his mane for a pillow as she fell asleep almost at once.
“Stupid pony…first I’m a chair, then I’m a bed…I was not raised to be furniture,” Josh whispered, but the longer he stayed in the cool evening grass, the harder it was to stay awake. Eventually, Josh’s eyes grew heavy, and with a final glance back at the sleeping mare curled up on his back, he drifted back off into dream world as well. Hopefully, this time, his dreams wouldn’t be so dark.
Excessive giggling snapped Josh out of his dreams. The odd clicking sounds helped stir the stallion, too. As he groaned and attempted to stretch, he felt a heavy weight on his back and had to jog his memory to remember what had happened last night. He remembered having a horrific nightmare, going for a walk, singing a melodramatic song, fighting Applejack and losing, and giving her a cute nickname to counter the annoying one she always gave him just before he zonked out with her on top of his back.
“Oh, right…heavy farmer pony on my back…you would think I would’ve remembered that instantly,” Josh grumbled, groggily rubbing his eyes with his hooves and giving his usual growl that he always gave in the mornings, “Dammit…stupid hooves…I don’t care WHAT these dumbass ponies say; being a human a lot better than being a horse.”
“Someone’s a mister crabby pants!” one of the giggling voices exclaimed, instantly making Josh crane his neck around to see just who was daring to piss him off so early in the morning. What he saw was Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle all sitting nearby with little cameras clutched in their hooves and wide-rimmed grins plastered on their adorable faces. Josh’s eyes narrowed almost at once when they fell upon the cameras.
“If you little brats even DARE show those pictures to anyone, you will receive no less than 100 spankings with a steel paddle,” Josh warned, squirming and trying to remove Applejack from his back.
“Yeah, IF you can catch us,” Scootaloo teased, taking another picture of the two ponies on top of each other, just to further aggravate Josh, “Hey, what can we say? This was a pretty amusing scene to wake up to. Thankfully, Apple Bloom had some extra cameras lying around.”
“I also hope she has a medical kit lying around, too, since you mischievous little fillies are gonna need it once I get ahold of you!” Josh snarled, trying to slap at them with his tail and watching them simply scoot back and giggle even more, “Damn you! Would you just move stupid Jackie…I mean, Applejack? Get her off me already; this is humiliating!”
“Jackie? Aww, that’s a cute nickname,” Apple Bloom commented, “Did ya’ll make up last night and then ya gave her that nickname?”
“It kinda seems like you two made up, seeing as how she’s sleeping on top of you,” Sweetie Belle agreed, “You ARE quite warm; I remember feeling it when I snuggled you yesterday.”
“First, shut up, we didn’t make up and I’m gonna kick her ass once she wakes up for sleeping on top of me and embarrassing me like this,” Josh explained, “Second, that’s no surprise; it’s a well-known fact that males usually have hotter bodies than females.”
“Hey!” Scootaloo frowned, putting her hooves on her hips, “What’s THAT supposed to mean? Are you calling Rainbow Dash ugly?”
“Wait…what?!?!” Josh blinked, slapping his hoof over his forehead, “No, you silly filly! I meant that males usually generate more body heat than females. My mother told me as much.”
“Oh…well, you’re lucky that’s what you meant,” Scootaloo muttered.
“JUST GET APPLEJACK OFF MY BACK BEFORE I DESTROY YOU ALL!” Josh screamed, finally having lost his patience with the fillies, “YOU GIRLS ARE DRIVING ME BATTY! I HATE KIDS!”
“If you hated us so much, you’d simply ignore us and not even acknowledge out presence,” Sweetie Belle said matter-of-factly, “The fact that you always have to talk about us just proves that you think about us a lot and thus means you like us!”
“…did your stupid big sister tell you that?” Josh groaned, “I’m guessing she did…it sounds like something moronic that that silly fashion pony would say. Look…wake Applejack up, would you? I can’t lay here forever with that stupid hayseed on my back!”
“Why don’t ya’ll just roll over and move her off yerself?” Apple Bloom suggested, a strange grin lurking on her face, as though she knew something that Josh didn’t.
“Uh…oh, right…why didn’t I think of that sooner?” Josh sighed, “Great, a little filly has to tell me something I should’ve realized last night. Dammit, this sucks…I got straight A’s in school, too!”
While grumbling, the stallion rocked his hips back and forth a little while churning his body to the right. He could feel the limp Applejack snoozing on his back, but as he continued to wiggle his body, he could feel her start to move along with him. Oddly enough, no matter how much he squirmed and tried to roll Applejack off, while she moved along with him, she never actually slid off his back. Then, Josh accidentally slid too far and ended up rolling over onto his backside. Applejack ended up rolling over and plopping down on top of him so that they were face-to-face.
Widening his eyes in shock and a slight red tint breaking out on his muzzle, Josh blinked a dozen times and had no idea what to do. For the first time in his entire life, he had a female lying on top of his body, and on his FRONT and not his BACK. Applejack’s blonde mane was blown into Josh’s face by a morning breeze, making Josh hack and spit it away, but he couldn’t pry his eyes off Applejack’s face. The look of her sleeping contently and snuggling up unconsciously into him made him feel incredibly gooey on the inside. He also noticed that the three Cutie Mark Crusaders were grinning even more and were slapping each other high-fives and hoof-bumps with their hooves.
“You three…are SO dead…” Josh whispered, very weakly placing his hooves on Applejack’s shoulders, “Oh dear God…this feels SO weird…ugh, I should’ve realized that she wouldn’t roll off my back that easily. The stupid girl is quite heavy, after all.” Just as he was about to shove Applejack off, however, her green eyes fluttered open and she instantly gave Josh a tired grin.
“Mornin’, Joshy boy,” she yawned, playfully crossing her forelegs under her chin as she stared into Josh’s eyes, only two inches away from his face, “Yer pretty warm, ya know that? Not to mention quite a gentle-colt fer not tryin’ to wake me while ya attempted to get me off.”
“…you were totally awake the entire time, weren’t you?” Josh sniffed, his eyes narrowing into slits as he grit his teeth and looked livid with rage.
“Maybe…aw, ah can’t lie…yeah, pretty much,” Applejack admitted, “Hey, ah work on a farm, ya silly boy. Ah’m always up first thing in the mornin’. Ah was actually up a good ten minutes or so before YOU even got up!”
“AND YOU WERE PRETENDING TO BE ASLEEP THIS WHOLE TIME?!?!” Josh roared.
“What can ah say? Yer pretty warm and ah didn’t really want to move,” Applejack giggled, finally raising herself off Josh and stepping off his body, “It’s not mah fault yer too much of a sissy to move me on yer own. Aww, do ah weigh too much for ya’ll to handle?”
“And you three were in on this too?” Josh said darkly, giving the evil eye to the three Cutie Mark Crusaders. The three fillies looked nervously at each other, then simply gave Josh three angelic looks without saying a word. If halos could magically appear out of nowhere, they would’ve appeared right then and there over the three fillies’ heads. When Josh didn’t get a response out of them, Applejack chuckled again and held her hoof out to him.
“Need a hoof?” she asked, giving him a smile.
“No thanks,” Josh said flatly, slapping Applejack’s hoof away and getting onto his hooves himself, “Ugh, my legs…hind legs, I guess…are asleep. I need to walk this off. Aww, dammit, I’m hungry, too! Great, just freaking great. My hind legs are asleep, I’m hungry, and I want to strangle three fillies and a farmer. It seems like I’m gonna have quite a busy morning.”
“Gals, ya’ll get goin’ now, ahright?” Applejack said, ignoring Josh for the moment and turning to the three fillies, “Ah can finish up here. Gather up yer things and head on out whenever ya want, okay? Get some breakfast when ya can.” She gave Apple Bloom a hug and Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo pats on the head.
“Okay, sis!” Apple Bloom smiled, giving her a little wink, “Have fun with Joshy! We’ll see ya both later!” She took off towards the farmhouse.
“Bye, Josh!” Scootaloo said, giving Josh a little wave before taking off back to the farmhouse as well.
“Take care! Oh, and if you see my sister, ask her how I did with your mane, alright?” Sweetie Belle added, also giving Josh a friendly wave as she followed her two fellow crusaders, leaving Applejack and Josh both alone in the apple orchard.
“So, Joshy…shall we get ourselves some exercise?” Applejack grinned, excitedly readjusting her hat as she looked at Josh, “Kickin’ yer flank will really work up the ol’ appetite and make a big breakfast even more delightful.”
“Bring it on, AJ!” Josh snapped, pawing at the ground and preparing to charge, “I’m sick and tired of you always beating me up! Do you even know how humiliating it is back on my world when a boy loses to a girl in a fight? That’s one of the most shameful punishments a male could ever experience! Then again, a male should never hit a female, so it’s only natural that they lose…but, still, it’s shameful!”
“Ya talk too much, Joshy,” Applejack said plainly, turning around and wiggling her rump at him, “Now, are ya gonna try somethin’, or do ah have to make the first move?”
“OOOOOOOH, YOU!” Josh screamed before charging straight towards the teasing farmer, “I’M GOING TO THROTTLE YOU! I’M GONNA SMASH YOU FLAT, BURY YOU WITH THESE DAMN APPLES, AND THEN TICKLE YOU UNTIL YOU BEG FOR MERCY!”
With a loud laugh, Applejack began to run away from the angry stallion, galloping the opposite direction through her farm’s orchard. Her mane and tail flowed wildly as she charged, smiling wider and wider at all the curses Josh was spewing at her. She couldn’t really explain why, but having Josh chase her really excited the mare. Plus, since Josh was still not too used to his new body, he was nowhere near as fast as her. As she ran behind a tree, Applejack stuck her tongue out the other side at Josh, egging him on with the chase.
Josh himself was seething mad. How DARE that girl run from him? Plus, it was humiliating how slow he was. As a human, he was one of the quickest runners he knew; he once ran a mile in only 10 minutes. But, as a pony, he could barely contain his running. He wasn’t used to using four legs instead of two, and the faster he ran, the more he stumbled and nearly fell flat on his face. But, he couldn’t let Applejack get away. He wanted to catch her and torture her. It seemed like a never-ending game, but he didn’t care; he never backed down from a challenge.
“HOLD STILL, YOU STUPID PONY!” Josh screamed, finally reaching the tree Applejack had been hiding behind, only to find that it was deserted and AJ was already three trees ahead of him.
“Sorry, Joshy, but ya gotta work to get THIS mare,” Applejack called out, tipping her hat to Josh before returning to her run, “When ya really want somethin’, ya gotta work fer it. If ya work hard enough, it’ll eventually become yers.”
“Enough of your blabbing! Take your beating like a…pony!” Josh demanded, continuing to gallop after Applejack as fast as he could, “Ugh…c’mon, stupid body…go faster…FASTER, DAMN YOU!”
The chase lasted a while longer, with Applejack never wearing out and Josh being too persistent and stubborn to stop. Applejack knew all the tricks of her orchard and she always knew that she could get Josh to keep chasing her. Part of her plan was to get him to have some fun and to just be around her more. Even if it was a bit unusual, Applejack saw that one of the few ways to keep Josh’s attention was to annoy or tease him, so if that’s what it took, she was more than happy to oblige. Plus, deep down, an unusual joy lit inside of her heart at the chase; she never had a stallion chase her before. Usually, it was a certain mare who did that.
As per usual, Rainbow Dash immediately went to visit Applejack first thing after waking up. She always went to see the farmer pony first thing in the morning. She couldn’t explain why, but seeing Applejack always made her happy. The two were a lot alike and they were always playing with each other. Plus, after what Josh did to the two yesterday, Dash really wanted to make sure that Applejack was alright and that things between them were “cool” and alright. The forced kiss had made her incredibly nervous and feel very weird, and being flattened with Applejack on top of her didn’t help matters. To top it off, she was hoping to plan some revenge on Josh with Applejack at her side.
Zipping through the clouds, Rainbow smiled when she spotted Applejack’s farm. Immediately heading in that direction, she began her descent towards Applejack’s farmhouse, trying to remind herself to not go crashing through the door if it wasn’t open this time. However, her progress was almost immediately halted when she saw her biggest enemy chasing after her best friend in the apple orchards. She noticed Josh at once, and it seemed like Applejack was screaming as the stallion chased her through the trees. Almost as soon as she heard Applejack’s shouts, Rainbow’s blood began to boil and she clenched her hooves into tight fists of rage. Giving her wings some added gusto, she turned away from the farmhouse and instead headed straight for the former human chasing Applejack.
“YOU LEAVE HER ALONE!” Dash screamed, glaring at Josh as she rocketed straight at him like a speeding bullet, “HAVEN’T YOU DONE ENOUGH? I’M GONNA KICK YOUR FLANK IF YOU LAY ONE HOOF ON HER!”
“Get back here already, you…wait, what?” Josh paused, glancing back at hearing the angry shouts and once again coming face-to-face with Rainbow Dash, “Oh, crap…it’s too early for this!” But, like it or not, the slow-moving stallion soon got smacked right in the face by Rainbow’s powered uppercut, knocking the yelping boy backwards and making him see stars. It felt like being hit in the face by a rock being shot out of a cannon.
Crashing down hard onto his back, Josh moaned in pain and instinctively reached up to rub his sore chin where Rainbow Dash decked him. The soft grass of Applejack’s farm cushioned the fall, but not by much. Applejack halted in her run and widened her eyes in shock as she watched Rainbow Dash continue her charge until she body-slammed Josh and pinned him down to the ground. The farmer slapped her forehead with one of her tired hooves and slowly began to trot over to try and explain things before another unnecessary fight broke out.
“So, making us kiss and throwing us off a cliff wasn’t good enough for ya?” Dash growled, reaching down and violently shaking Josh’s head, “Now, you have the nerve to come over to HER home and start chasing her around and trying to hurt her? Well, not on my watch!”
“Ugh…damn, you have a nice swing…oh, and I was just hit in the face by a girl with rainbow-colored hair…ultimate humiliation,” Josh moaned, not even bothering struggling as Dash continued to shake his head back and forth while perched on top of his chest.
“I’m gonna pile-drive you into the ground!” Dash stated, “I’m gonna carry you up into the sky, then deliver a brutal smash straight into the ground until you can’t even be seen! Then, I’m gonna drag you out and give you a few dozen kicks and punches straight to the face and maybe the groin! Then, after that, I’m gonna throw you off an even HIGHER cliff than the one you pushed me and AJ off! And after that, if you’re still moving, I’m gonna…”
“Dash, that’s enough,” Applejack said calmly, trotting up and placing a hoof on her friend’s foreleg that was shaking Josh’s head, “Thank ya kindly for yer concern and all, but ya’ll can let him go.”
“What?!?! But, Applejack, he was chasing you!” Dash whined, her wings drooping slightly at the thought of not getting to deliver her fun punishments, “And…I heard you screaming!”
“Nah, ah was just enjoyin’ the thrill of it,” Applejack chuckled, “Ah didn’t really mind Joshy chasin’ me around; it’s not like he could’ve caught me anyway. And if he had, ah would’ve just pinned him in a second anyway. Judgin’ from how fast ya cleaned his clock, ah’d say that Joshy isn’t so good in a fight.”
“Ha, I hear that!” Dash giggled, giving Applejack a hoof-bump as the two shared in a laugh. Josh, having finally recovered from having been punched, was left frowning in annoyance while the two ponies shared in a joke on top of him.
“You know, you two aren’t endearing yourselves to me by holding me down and mocking me,” Josh snapped, “Applejack, would you mind telling your little friend to let me go already? I’ll save your beating for later; I’m really hungry!”
“Sure, Joshy boy,” Applejack said, giving Rainbow Dash a little nod and gently ushering her off the top of the stallion, “Ah’m gonna go fix up a big breakfast mahself. This has been fun, but it’s gettin’ kinda late and ah should start gettin’ to mah chores. Would you two like to join me?”
“No thanks,” Josh sniffed, “I think I’ve stayed in your presence long enough, Applejack. Any longer and I’m afraid I might go insane. Plus, I’ve taken up enough of your time. I could care less about you farm, but I’m guessing you need to focus. I’ll go get breakfast elsewhere and go pick on the rest of your friends for a while. It’s been fun, though…and by fun, I mean ‘a pain in the ass’.”
“I’ll go, too,” Dash said quickly, giving Josh a heavy glare, “I need to have some word with this guy. AJ, you go ahead…and don’t worry about what he said; he doesn’t know anything.”
“Ah know, ah know…don’t worry ‘bout it, Dash,” Applejack said, giving the mare a gentle hug before giving Josh a solemn glance, “Ah know ya didn’t really mean that, Joshy boy…but, ah’ll see ya later then. Try not to destroy Ponyville, ahright?”
“No promises,” Josh smirked, “I’ve already got my secret rocket launcher and nuclear bomb all prepared and I’m just waiting for an excuse.”
“Heh…whatever ya say, Joshy,” Applejack whispered, tipping her hat and turning away, “See ya…hope to see ya later on.” And with that, the orange pony trotted away from the pair and into her farmhouse.
“Alright, you, now listen up!” Dash growled, instantly flaring up on Josh when Applejack was inside of her home, “Applejack is MY best friend and she means a lot to me! You stay away from her, you understand me? You are not to touch her or harm her in any way whatsoever! If I hear you saying one more mean thing about her, there’s gonna be trouble. Do I make myself clear?”
“Whatever…it’s so obvious you love her it isn’t even funny,” Josh sighed, “You sound just like a husband telling another man to back off from his wife, even though he wasn’t doing anything to begin with. Why don’t you get the stick out of your butt already?”
“W-W-WHAT?!?!” Dash squeaked, a massive blush appearing on her muzzle as she whipped her head to make sure Applejack wasn’t listening. When she found that AJ hadn’t come back out, she angrily turned back around and shoved her face into Josh’s. “It’s totally not like that! I don’t think of her THAT way! I just…she’s my best friend, okay? I’d do anything for her, and she’d do anything for me! We’re always there for each other, we’re almost competing against each other, we’re always helping each other, we always have a lot together…we’re best friends for life! And I don’t have any stick up my butt; I just don’t want a jerk like you picking on my friends. A certain griffon already did that once and I let her have it.”
“A griffon? Interesting…those are quite deadly creatures…” Josh mused, sounding intrigued, “Would you care to share a little bit about that?”
“On what, Gilda?” Dash sighed, sitting down and crossing her forelegs, “I’d much rather not…that happened a while back, and to this day…it still kinda hurts. You see…back in Junior Speedster Flight Camp, Gilda, Fluttershy and I were all close. Fluttershy was like my little admirer, and she was always klutzy and scared of her own shadow. Gilda was somewhat a bully, but she always stuck up for those who dared pick on me or Fluttershy. Gilda was extremely loyal to me and Fluttershy.”
“Gilda is the griffon, I assume?” Josh asked, “Wow…Gilda the griffon…how original.”
“Shut up!” Dash snapped, “Do you wanna hear the story or not?”
“Fine, bigmouth, continue,” Josh said, rolling his eyes and taking a seat opposite the blue Pegasus.
“Humph…I’ll show you who has a big mouth…” Dash grumbled, before eventually continuing with her story, “Anyway, during a race I had when I was a filly, Fluttershy accidentally plummeted down from Cloudsdale and landed near Ponyville, where she decided to stay. Gilda never even bothered to mention her; I guess she thought she died or something. So, from then on, Gilda and I remained close all through the rest of Flight Camp…until I dropped out.”
“Wait…you dropped out?” Josh gasped, looking stunned, “That’s terrible! What the hell is the matter with you? That’s called being a quitter, you know. You’re just a loser!”
“Would you shut up already? It hurts enough without you having to call me that!” Dash cried, her voice shaking a bit, “I KNOW I’m a loser…but, I…well, that place wasn’t for me…I made a few too many mistakes and…I thought I had learned enough. I wanted to become the best flyer in all of Equestria, and I knew I could do it on my own. But, when I quit…Gilda remained. We grew apart from that point on, and I never heard from her again…until a while ago.”
“She came to find you?” Josh asked.
“Well, yes and no,” Dash explained, “She was just visiting Ponyville and happened to see my home. Then, we began to catch up and hang out again, for old time’s sake. I…was so stupid…I let her pick on my friends…making her reduce Fluttershy to tears and making her nearly hurt Pinkie badly. In the end, I picked my NEW friends over her, since they’re TRUE. Gilda…wasn’t a true friend…she only cared about being cooled. I told her off and sent her packing for being the jerk she was. So…if you continue to act like her, I’ll do the same to you.”
“Humph…that’s kinda shameful,” Josh said, shaking his head, “You just give up on your old friend without TRYING to work it out? Okay, maybe she WAS a jerk to your new friends…you couldn’t try talking to her about this instead of just making her leave?”
“You don’t get it, Josh!” Dash argued, “We TRIED. We threw her a welcoming party and everything! Sure, we pulled a few pranks on her, but that was no excuse for her to act like a total jerk to everypony! Fluttershy and Pinkie did nothing to deserve what they got. Gilda was in the wrong and she deserved to leave; I don’t need friends like that.”
“But you’re basically saying that it’s okay to throw away a life-long friendship just because said friend had a bad day and has temper issues,” Josh frowned, “What kind of message are you sending? Look at me, why don’t you? I hate ALL of you ponies and desire nothing more than to kick your asses and leave this god-forsaken world. BUT…the Cutie Mark Crusaders said they’ll like me no matter what, and AJ can’t stop smiling when she’s around me now, DESPITE what I did to her. So, what does that say?”
“But…but…” Dash continued to try and argue, but was struggling more and more to come up with excuses, “Gilda…she just…she had it coming! And, since when do YOU care? You HATE having friends, remember? Why are you saying stuff like this?”
“Because this ‘Gilda’ sounds a lot like me, now that I think about it,” Josh admitted, “So, I was just trying to explain to you my side of the coin…which is probably just like Gilda’s. After everything I’ve done, which I honestly think is justified, you and your friends are STILL always bugging me. Why am I any different than Gilda?”
Rainbow Dash was silent as she glared at the stallion, trying to make sense out of what he was saying this whole time. True, Josh was rude just like Gilda, and rather violent, and rather sarcastic…he really WAS a male Gilda. It was so creepy. But, unlike Gilda, they weren’t sending him away. Was it because he was a former human and they found that cool? Was that really the only reason? When Dash thought of it that way, her heart sank. Sure, he was a total jerk, but…maybe Applejack had it right. Maybe Dash should try looking at this from a new angle.
“Um…say, how about I treat you to breakfast?” Dash said, giving Josh a weak smile and getting to her hooves, “What do ya say? Sound good?”
“I thought you hated me…you wanted to kill me for ‘getting too close to your Applejack’,” Josh smirked.
“Yeah, well…I changed my mind,” Dash said lamely, glancing aside and idly pawing at the ground, “If you don’t want to, that’s cool…be on your way then.”
“Well…I already used Applejack for a place to sleep and dinner last night…I suppose using you for breakfast wouldn’t be such a bad idea,” Josh snickered, “Shall we get going, Rainbow Crash?”
“Call me that again and die,” Dash snarled, but she began flapping slowly away towards Ponyville anyway, making sure that she didn’t go so fast so that the former human could keep up.
“So, whatcha feeling like eating?” Rainbow Dash asked, flapping her wings nonchalantly as she flew along with Josh in her rearview mirror, “Some daisy sandwiches? Maybe some pancakes made from the finest grass in all of Ponyville? Oh, how about some oatmeal?”
“Don’t you have any REAL food?” Josh snapped, making hacking sounds at everything Dash was listing off, “Seriously, that’s all disgusting! I wouldn’t be caught dead eating any of that! I’ve tried it all before back on my world and I immediately decked the idiot who suckered me into doing it.”
“You did? Cool, nice to hear,” Dash grinned, glancing back at Josh and deciding to tease him, “I doubt that it was a big human, though; you don’t seem like you could beat an egg, let alone another one of your own species!”
“Keep it up, Pegasus, and you’ll find out what I can and can’t beat,” Josh said darkly, glaring up at the azure flying pony as she cracked up from her joke, “Do you even know how annoying your laughter is? It sounds like someone running down some squeaky stairs that haven’t been fixed in over 100 years fused with someone scratching their fingers on a chalkboard.”
“Okay, that hurt,” Dash grumbled, crossing her forelegs and drooping her ears a bit, “Pinkie always says that I have a cute laugh and she loves how playful I am. You’re just jealous that I actually know HOW to laugh when it doesn’t involve hurting others…like pushing them off a cliff and throwing their best friends at their faces!” Josh almost immediately sneezed as soon as Dash finished her statement, although it sounded like the sneeze was forced rather than real.
“Ah…sorry about that…I’m just allergic to bullcrap, that’s all,” Josh grinned, wiping his nose with one of his forelegs and enjoying seeing Rainbow’s face turn an angry red, “It’s funny that my allergy hasn’t popped up a lot sooner…like immediately after I arrived in this horrendous place you call a home. I guess my body was trying to build up an immunity, but alas, it seems that it failed and now my allergy is back. Dear Rainbow Dash, you must be cautious when being near me from now on, since I have a strong suspicious that I will be sneezing almost every other minute when dealing with you ponies.”
“You really go all out with your rudeness, don’t ya?” Dash said coldly, slowly lowering herself down to the ground and tapping her front hoof irritably, “It’s surprising that you haven’t gotten your cutie mark by now. But, I guess I can understand; I don’t recall ever hearing of a rudeness cutie mark. Hey, maybe you’ll be the first pony ever to get such a mark! Won’t that be just awesome?”
“Nice try, sweetheart, but that won’t work on me,” Josh teased, flicking Dash on the nose and pushing past her, “Trying to volley my insult with an insult of your own won’t work, since I know you’re only doing it to try and get back at me. You fail, Dashie; better luck next time, my unintelligible Pegasus.”
Even without turning back around, Josh could tell that he had won the first round with Rainbow Dash; he smirked as he heard the mare grinding her teeth and stamping her hooves in frustration behind him. Deciding to ignore Dash until she decided to try to come up with a suitable comeback, Josh gave a sigh as he reentered Ponyville yet again. So far, every time he had come into the town, there had always been some kind of ruckus to follow him. For his second day on Equestria, things would start off almost exactly the same.
While Josh was looking around and giving looks of distain to anything his eyes could catch sight of, he failed to notice a gray Pegasus trot right in his path. The stallion gasped as he plowed right into the mare and ended up falling over backwards onto his rump. Looking up and grumbling, he discovered that the pony he had run into had blonde hair and a very weird cutie mark on her flank. But, what was most unnerving was her eyes and her weird smile. Slowly, Josh rose back to his hooves and eyed the mare that was standing motionless in front of him, seemingly unfazed from being run into.
“Let’s see here…bubbles on your butt…blonde hair…walleyed pupils…and a crooked smile,” Josh said, examining the pony closely and not bother withholding his findings, “I think it’s clear what we’re dealing with here. You, my dear, are retarded. So, let’s see if you understand simple English.” He slowly stuck his face right into the Pegasus’ and opened his eyes as wide as he could, and when he next spoke, he spoke each word with a heavy accent and as loud as he could. “DO…YOU…UNDERSTAND…ME?”
“Hey! Like, don’t hate on my medical condition!” the derp-eyed pony whined, her ears drooping as she looked down at the ground, suddenly breaking her motionless stance, “That’s SO cruel, you know? I was teased enough about that in school…I can’t help it I was born that way. You’re a big meanie.”
“Huh…I guess you’re not as stupid as you look,” Josh smirked, not bothering apologizing for his rudeness, “So, since you seem to actually HAVE a brain inside of that weird-shaped head of yours, maybe you’d like to say what your most-likely-idiotic name is?” When the Pegasus refused to answer and was too busy continuing staring sadly at the ground, Josh felt a heavy slap on the back of his head.
“You apologize to Derpy right now!” Dash hissed, forcibly twisting Josh’s head around and giving him an enraged glare, “That was uncalled for and downright evil! Either you apologize or I’m kicking your butt right in front of everypony in Ponyville! She has to go through enough misery without YOU adding to it, you insensitive jerk!”
“Oh my God…DERPY?!?! THAT’S her name?” Josh grinned, his eyes lighting up as he shoved Dash’s hoof off his neck and turned back around to face the mare, “Oh God, this is RICH! Derpy is your name? And here I thought this morning was gonna be as boring as hell! Hey, Derpy, what’s your last name? Let me guess, it’s Ditz? Or maybe Doo?”
“Doo…is the last name…of my daughter, Dinky,” Derpy whispered, looking more and more like she just wanted to vanish with each hurtful word Josh spoke to her, “My last name is…Hooves.”.
“OH MAN, AND YOU’RE A MOTHER?!?!” Josh screamed, falling onto his rump and wrapping his forelegs around his stomach as he began to laugh, “HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? WHAT STALLION WOULD EVEN WANT TO DO THAT WITH YOU? BWAHAHAHAHA! THIS IS TOO GOOD! OH MAN, MY SIDES…THEY’RE SPLITTING…I’M GONNA HAVE A HEART ATTACK!”
Ponies were beginning to stop and stare at the scene unfolding in the middle of the town. They saw a dark-colored alicorn stallion laughing his head off while a pissed Rainbow Dash was ready to kill him from behind and Derpy Hooves was looking like she herself wanted to die in front. Since Rainbow Dash was involved, most of the ponies felt that she could handle this, especially when they saw the enraged expression on the Pegasus’ face. Josh’s latest insults were slowly pushing her over the edge of sanity. There was no way she was gonna have Josh continue treating a fellow Pegasus like this, especially one with a medical condition like Derpy. However, before she could take care of Josh, a new pony came to the rescue instead.
“Mommy? What’s wrong, Mommy?” the little filly asked as she trotted up to Derpy and gently butted her shoulder with her head, “Why…why are you crying? Are you hurt? Mommy…tell me what’s wrong!”
“Dinky, sweetie…you shouldn’t be here to see Mommy like this…” Derpy said, forcing a weak smile as she nuzzled the little filly back, “It’s okay…it’s nothing new…this always happens.”
Josh paused from his laughing and looked at the scene before him. The little filly that had shown up and was currently being nuzzled by Derpy was a unicorn, not a Pegasus. She had a light purple body and slightly lighter blonde hair than Derpy. She had the same colored eyes as Derpy, though. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that this must be Dinky Doo, the daughter of Derpy Hooves. When Josh finally took notice of Derpy’s crying and Dinky’s worried expression, he began to feel slightly ashamed.
Dammit…why are you feeling ashamed? Josh asked himself, slapping at his head and growling to himself, It’s just a stupid pony who happens to be a mother…that’s nothing new! The mother is still obviously retarded and stupid; what’s wrong with speaking the truth? Why…why do I feel so bad about picking on her? Oh, wait…because you went through it yourself, didn’t you? Yes…yes you did…
“Mommy, please don’t cry…I’m here for you,” Dinky whimpered, wrapping her little forelegs around Derpy and trying to hold her, even though Derpy was actually doing most of the holding, “Maybe we can go home and eat some muffins? That always makes us so happy.”
“Wait…before you do that…I have something to say,” Josh sighed, gritting his teeth as he was already dreading saying what he was about to say, “Dinky, was it? I have to admit that…I was the one who hurt your mother. I insulted her and made her feel bad, and for that…well…I’m sorry.” He knew what was coming, and he was prepared to take it all in full force.
“YOU hurt my mommy?!?!” Dinky cried, instantly flaring up as she let go of Derpy and angrily stomped up to Josh, “You horrible pony! You evil, rotten, despicable stallion! You’re a bad, bad pony! Do you even know what my mommy has to go through? Just because she has different eyes than the rest of the ponies, she always gets picked on! It hurts so bad to see her go through it. She always smiles and giggles and tries to make light of it, but I can tell she gets hurt by it. You don’t know what it’s like to be different! You don’t know the pain! YOU’RE A HORRIBLE PONY!”
Dinky looked like she wanted to smack Josh right in the face, but when casting a quick glance back at her mother, Derpy gave her a little shake of the head to tell her to not resort to violence. Rainbow Dash had been glaring at Josh the entire time and was honestly hoping he’d get smack around, and was happy with how Dinky ripped him apart. Josh himself looked downright embarrassed, angry, and still slightly sorrowful for hurting this filly and her mother. He needed to make this right.
“No, my dear, I DO know what it’s like to be different,” Josh said, forcing himself to look down at the angry filly. He didn’t know why, but facing an angry child was possibly one of the hardest things in life to do. “I was picked on my entire life, too…always abused for being different and always mocked for not being like everyone else. I know exactly how it feels…to be laughed at…to be mocked…to be jeered and sneered at…to be insulted…I know it all. The scars on my heart will never go away.”
“You’re a liar! If you knew, you wouldn’t have said anything mean to Mommy!” Dinky cried, tears glistening her eyes as she was beginning to tremble, “You’re just a big meanie! A big bully! A wicked stallion who goes around hurting others who are deemed not as cool as you are! You…you…you don’t know what my mommy has suffered!” She finally broke down and attempted to hit Josh, but her hooves barely grazed his chest and Dinky eventually fell to her stomach and began bawling into the ground.
Josh didn’t know what to do. Being called a bully really hurt, and after the tongue-lashing he had given Rainbow Dash earlier about dumping Gilda over making some simple mistakes, he was beginning to feel like a total heel. Or in the very least slightly bit guilty. He was still angry at this little filly daring to call HIM names after failing to know what HE had been through his whole life. However, even he realized that attempting to do any more damage than was already inflicted was probably a stupid idea. But, he couldn’t just leave it like this.
“Wanna know a secret? I…kinda have a medical condition, too,” Josh said, giving an annoyed sigh as he looked down at Dinky and back up at Derpy. After a moment, Dinky stopped her crying and curiously looked up at Josh, while Derpy inched forward a bit in curiosity as well. Even Rainbow Dash was now looking very interested.
“You…you do?” Dinky whimpered, drying her eyes as her lip quivered, “W-what kind of condition?”
“Well…my tonsils are enlarged and I cannot swallow pills,” Josh muttered, “It makes me get sore throats more often than not, and it’s a huge pain not being able to swallow pills when you get sick.”
“Whoa, seriously? That’s…cool!” Dinky cried, a small smile appearing on her face, “Can I see?”
“Wait, what?” Josh blinked, “There’s nothing ‘cool’ about it! It’s a living hell! Sure, I could always have them removed, but I don’t trust doctors and I’m not ever having surgery done on my body. It’s too risky and I utterly refuse to risk damaging this wretched body.”
“Let me see, let me see!” Dinky squealed, bouncing up and down and obviously having ignored most of what Josh just said, “I wanna see your big tonsils!”
“Yeah, lay it on us, Josh,” Rainbow Dash grinned, trotting over and joining Derpy and Dinky’s sides, “I’ve never seen enlarged tonsils before!”
“Ugh…fine, but only one look,” Josh warned, nervously glancing around before lifting up his mouth as wide as it could go. Eagerly, Derpy, Dinky and Dash all stared inside of the stallion’s mouth and tried to get a good look at his throat. Indeed, they saw large tonsils hanging from the back of Josh’s mouth, also slightly redder than they should be, too. Swallowing almost anything solid would be near impossible with the size of the tonsils.
“Ooh…that’s so cool!” Dinky cried, letting out a little whistle, “So…you’re no different than Mommy?”
“Yeah…I suppose…” Josh muttered, “And…you know what? I’m PROUD of my tonsils. Sure, they’re a pain in the ass and they make me different, but sometimes being different isn’t so bad. It’s good to be unique and not the same as everyone else. So, Derpy? You should be proud of your eyes. Who cares what anyone else says about them? I’m not saying that you should ignore what ponies say; I’ve been told to ignore bullies one too many times in my life and it does NOT work. If anypony tries picking on you again because of your eyes, deck them right in the face! How DARE they pick on you for being different? Show them what for! Make them see that there is nothing ‘wrong’ with you at all! You’re a wonderful, caring mother with a daughter that loves you! That’s all that matters.”
“But…I don’t really want to hurt anypony…” Derpy said shyly, glancing down at the ground and kicking her hooves a bit.
“Believe me, Derpy, it’s the only way to earn some respect,” Josh explained, “Back when I was in school, I was picked on constantly. I was called horrible names that I won’t say around Dinky, I had rocks thrown at my head, I had stuff stolen from me, I was assaulted over and over again in almost every class, and I also got made fun of in front of everyone. Ignoring them did no good, since all it did was make them do it more. So, eventually, I finally punched one of the bullies right in the face, while throwing a basketball into the face of another and using a hockey stick to spear a third one. Sure, I got in huge trouble, but it was worth it. I felt better about myself and I finally made it known that I was not to be picked on again.”
“Um…well…if you say so…” Derpy said meekly, looking down at Dinky and giving her a gentle hug, “Dinky, my little muffin, please turn away now. Your mommy is gonna lay a beating down on the stallion for making fun of her.”
“Tee-hee, okay, Mommy!” Dinky smiled, leaning up and giving Derpy a kiss on the cheek, “Make sure you give it to him good so he’ll never do it again! I love you, Mommy!”
“I love you too, muffin,” Derpy responded, gently nudging Dinky towards Dash while rubbing her hooves together, “Dash, make sure she doesn’t watch this, alright?”
“I got ya covered, Derpy,” Rainbow snickered, turning Dinky away and looking very thrilled with what was about to happen, “Give him double for me, too.”
“H-H-HEY, NOW WAIT JUST A DAMN SECOND HERE!” Josh screamed, watching as Derpy smiled her crooked smile and trotted towards him with her walleyed expression plastered on her face, “THIS ISN’T WHAT I MEANT! YOU CAN’T JUST…!” He was silenced as a well-timed punch from Derpy caught him right in the mouth and sent him flying backwards.
Rainbow Dash and Dinky Doo chatted idly with one another about Pegasus stuff while trying to ignore the screams of pain and threats going on behind them, accompanied by the crunching and smashing noises that were going on at the same time. Derpy was no slouch in combat, and had quite a mean uppercut as well as a nasty bucking with her hind legs. She also had a very deadly air attack that she utilized with her erratic flight pattern, which involved a combination of a full-force body slam and head-butt. She also enjoyed using her tush to smash down on her victims, too.
“Now, can I please get an apology?” Derpy giggled, happily wiping her hooves a moment later as she stared down at the twitching stallion.
“I’m…sorry…I ever…met you…ponies…” Josh croaked, writhing in pain as he glared up at Derpy through his two black eyes.
“Good enough for me!” Derpy cheered, glancing back at Rainbow Dash and Dinky Doo, “Okay, you two, you can turn back around now!”
“Yay! Mommy, you got him good!” Dinky squealed, bouncing back towards her mother and giving her a big hug, “I’m so proud of you. I love you so much, Mommy. I’m glad you’re my mommy.”
“And I’m glad that you’re my little muffin,” Derpy purred, squeezing her daughter before smiling back down at Josh, “Say, what’s your name? I get the feeling that I might see you around here more often. I’m the mail-pony, so I could even be delivering your mail soon!”
“You…can call me…the annihilator…of pony-kind…” Josh snarled, barely being able to choke out his words as he continued to twitch on the ground.
“His name is Josh,” Rainbow Dash spoke up, her wide grin never escaping her face as she watched the stallion’s pain linger on after his deserved beating.
“Okay! Josh, it was very nice meeting you,” Derpy smiled, reaching down and patting Josh on the head, “Come visit me sometime, alright? I’ll make you some of my special muffins! They’re second only to Pinkie’s in Ponyville! I’m sure you’ll just love them.”
“And come play with me sometime, okay, Joshy?” Dinky added, giving the pained stallion a smile of her own, “You don’t seem so bad anymore; I’m sure you’ll be very fun to play with! Or at least very fun to beat up, tee-hee.”
“Now now, Dinky,” Derpy scolded playfully, “No using violence, remember? Using violence is bad. Now, let’s get going; we have to get you to school! Take care, Rainbow Dash! Bye, Josh!” The blonde Pegasus waved to Josh, then gently put Dinky on her back and began flapping off towards the schoolhouse.
Josh was a complete mess. His tail was tied in a knot, both of his eyes were blackened, he was pretty sure at least two of his legs were sprained or in the very least bruised, Sweetie Belle’s remodeled mane was destroyed, he had nicks and bruises all over his body, his rump had suspicious red hoof marks on it, and most of his bones felt ready to snap when they probably wouldn’t. He had no idea a blonde Pegasus could issue such a beating. But, apparently, being blonde also meant being insanely powerful; Applejack proved that very nicely.
“So…where were we…oh, right, breakfast!” Rainbow Dash grinned, peering down at Josh as she didn’t even bother helping up the former human, “You were pretty hungry, right? Ooh, wait…actually, I think you already just ate. You got a big, tall dish of pain, complete with a side order of karma and a nice big glass of punishment delight. So, you should be pretty full, right?”
“Shut up…Dash…” Josh growled, closing his eyes and trying to block out the giggling Pegasus. Deep down, though, he had to admit it. Dash finally DID make a good comeback.
“You sure you should be moving around after that BRUTAL fight?” Rainbow Dash teased, never having stopped taunting Josh after the stallion had finally had the strength to pick himself up off the ground after his one-sided bout with Derpy Hooves. The two were currently trotting along the streets of Ponyville, since Dash had promised Josh breakfast, but the blue Pegasus had decided to not fly for the rest of the trip. She was having too much fun teasing Josh for the humiliation that had just been placed on him by one of her Pegasus friends.
“Do you EVER learn?” Josh snapped, trying his hardest to ignore Rainbow Dash while putting up with the pain his body still felt from his beating, “Don’t you know what happens when you tease and mock me by now? You know, my nickname isn’t ‘The Schwarzenegger” for nothing, you know.”
“What exactly does that have to do with anything?” Dash asked, “What does that name even mean?”
“Back on my world, Arnold Schwarzenegger is one of the most popular human beings alive,” Josh explained, “He starred as the main character in a certain famous movie. Let’s just say that he was incredibly scary in said movie and you would not want to mess with him. I call myself that nickname sometimes because it’s basically the same as my last name, only cooler. Plus, you shouldn’t mess with me, because…I’ll be back!”
“You’ll be back…from where?” Rainbow Dash pondered, very puzzled by what Josh was getting at.
“Ugh…you ponies are worthless…back on my world, EVERYONE would get that reference!” Josh sighed, “You ponies seriously need to get movies and television here. You don’t know what you’re missing!” Josh smirked to himself as he imagined forcing Twilight and all her friends to watch Friday The 13th, Nightmare On Elm Street, Scream, Halloween, Glitter, Gigli, and Plan 9 From Outer Space.
“Humph, if it’s anything like you were telling us about yesterday, I’ll pass,” Dash sniffed, rolling her eyes when she saw the evil smirk on Josh’s face, “And don’t think I didn’t see that look. I can tell that you were thinking something evil again.”
“I’m not thinking of anything evil; I’m thinking of how much you ponies anger me and how much I want to make you all suffer,” Josh said simply, “That isn’t evil; I’m more than willing to bet my entire world would be proud of me for doing so, especially all the males. I doubt there’d be ONE male back on my home that would like you ponies.”
“Because we’re so ‘girly’ and stuff, right?” Rainbow Dash frowned, “Wow, you really do love being a total creep, don’t you? I should just call you Gilda Jr. or something, since that’s who you are.”
“I think I might get along with Gilda,” Josh commented, “First of all, griffons are incredibly amazing creatures of myth. Sure, I kill them all the time in my Final Fantasy video games, since they’re freaking hard to beat and usually result in a good number of experience points, but I still find them cool. I bet Gilda is WAY cooler than any of you stupid ponies.”
“STOP talking like her!” Dash demanded, “That’s how SHE always talked…well, come to think of it, I like to talk about ‘cool’ things as well…but, forget that! Just stop it or I’m not treating you to breakfast.”
“Hmm…stop talking about how uncool you ponies are, but get a free breakfast…or continue doing it, lose a free breakfast, but get you out of my sight…tough call,” Josh mused, grinning at the angry look he once again got Rainbow Dash to make.
“Ugh…look, let’s just stop at this place,” Dash sighed, eventually walking up to a fancy restaurant, “Maybe showing you a little kindness will make you stop being such a jerk. This is the Ponyville Outlet, one of the best breakfast nooks in all of Ponyville. They have the finest chefs and the most delicious assortments of food that any breakfast-goer would LOVE to eat. I’m sure they’ll have something that you’ll like.”
“I highly doubt that, since I’m a finicky eater, but I’m game,” Josh shrugged, “If I don’t like it, I can always throw the food at another table and start a food fight and then sneak out while you have to pay for all the damages.”
“You do that and I’ll make sure the entire town chases you into the Everfree Forest with pitchforks and torches,” Rainbow Dash said darkly, giving Josh a look that showed that she wasn’t joking around. With another excited snicker, Josh reluctantly followed his Pegasus partner into the restaurant.
The inside of the eatery was quite fancy for a small village like Ponyville. The floors were all spotless, the tables that were unoccupied were squeaky clean, the tablecloths and chair covers were neatly folded, the walls were covered with paintings from popular Ponyville painters, and all the ponies inside the joint seemed to be having a good time. Josh frowned almost instantly as he observed the sight. He really didn’t like places that were so neat and organized. Sure, he was a perfectionist himself, but to his own personal standards. A fast-food place served him just fine.
“Table for two?” the unicorn stallion maître d' asked as he greeted Josh and Rainbow Dash, giving a respectful bow as he did. Josh observed the fellow stallion and noticed he was wearing a tuxedo and looked clean and groomed. Once again, Josh frowned and felt annoyed. Why did people…or ponies…insist on dressing and acting like idiots just to try and look classy? So ridiculous.
“Yeah, that sounds cool,” Dash nodded, “Anywhere is fine with me. What about you, Josh?”
“Yeah, whatever, just make it snappy,” Josh grumbled, “I already feel out of place in this place.”
“Right this way, my good ponies,” the headwaiter nodded, ignoring Josh’s snippiness while he levitated two menus with his magic and began trotting towards a table. Dash instantly followed along, and after muttering something under his breath, Josh went along as well.
The unicorn stallion led Josh and Rainbow Dash to an empty table right in the middle of the restaurant, setting down the two menus and giving another bow as he used his magic to spread the two chairs open. Rainbow Dash instantly flopped down on one of the seats and leaned back, already getting into her relaxed pose. Josh glanced at the stallion maître d’ curiously, and he realized that he still had a horn that he hadn’t bothered to focus on since yesterday. He was starting to become very interested in using magic; maybe he’d have to go and visit Twilight Sparkle after ditching Dash.
“Thanks, I guess,” Josh mumbled, sitting down in his own seat and feeling slightly awkward about it, “Damn, being a pony seriously sucks. I miss my hands.”
“Our head waitress will be along shortly to take your orders,” the maître d’ said, giving another bow and turning to walk away.
“What a dweeb,” Josh snickered, pulling his menu close to him and glancing over it, ignoring the glares from Rainbow Dash, “Hmm…let’s see…what kinda slop does this place have? Ugh…that’s gross…no thank you…disgusting…I wouldn’t feed THAT to my cat…that’s just nasty…I’d rather starve than having THAT crap…don’t know what that is…WHERE’S THE GOOD FOOD?!?!”
“Josh, would you keep your voice down?” Dash snapped, “I don’t like all this fancy stuff anymore than you do, but I’m TRYING to be nice here. Don’t embarrass me like this; I’m the coolest pony in this town!”
“It’s not my fault you ponies eat disgusting stuff!” Josh spat back, glaring back down at his menu and ignoring the stares he was getting from the nearby customers, “Just LOOK at this junk! All I see is grass, daises, flowers, and other crap.”
“Josh…that’s what we ponies eat…mostly,” Dash sighed, covering up her face and giving the ponies that were staring some cheap grins, “Sorry! Hehe, no problems here! Nope, no problems at all!”
“I’m not gonna stand for this!” Josh frowned, throwing the menu away and instantly pointing with his hoof at one of the passing waitresses, “Hey, YOU! Get over here!”
“Um…sir…you’re gonna have to wait your turn…” the waitress frowned, giving Josh a cold look, but gasping when the stallion jumped up and advanced on her, “Eek! Sir, w-what are you…?”
“Shut up and tell me where the kitchen is,” Josh demanded, shoving his face right into the scared unicorn waitress’ face, “I need to have a word with the staff here.”
“Sir, if you don’t sit back down, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave,” the waitress whimpered, backing down from Josh’s rage. Rainbow Dash, during all this, was trying to make herself look smaller and smaller. Her face showed that she wanted to murder Josh right now.
“You’re useless!” Josh spat, stomping past the trembling waitress and looking around himself, “Let’s see, where’s that kitchen…ah, over there!” He saw a large white sign in the far corner of the restaurant that read “Main Kitchen” on it with big, fancy blue lettering. Josh immediately began stomping in that direction, ignoring the angry and shocked stares he was getting from practically everypony in the restaurant now. The maître d’ was now angrily heading in Josh’s direction as well.
“Sir, you must leave the restaurant now!” the stallion said, trying his best to sound calm as he stepped between Josh and the kitchen, “You have done nothing but cause a disruption since you came here.”
“Sorry, ugly, but I’m afraid I’m not going anywhere,” Josh smirked, “And, thankfully, you’re not a female. FINALLY I get to smash a pony’s face in!”
“Um…wait, what?” the headwaiter asked, before letting out a yelp as Josh formed a hooved fist and smashed it straight into the stallion’s face. The blow sent the stunned pony flying straight through the doors to the kitchen, inciting a loud gasp from the rest of the restaurant goers as they watched the assault with widened eyes.
“HA! YEAH, BABY!” Josh cheered, bouncing up and down and momentarily forgetting his mission, “FINALLY I GET TO SMACK ONE OF THESE DUMBASS PONIES! I AIN’T SO WEAK NOW, AM I, YOU STUPID HORSES? Now, to get a few things cleared up around here.” Feeling happy with what he had just accomplished, Josh pushed his way into the kitchen through the flapping doorway.
As soon as he entered the kitchen, one of the swinging doors slammed right into the downed stallion that had just flown through thanks to Josh’s punch. Unfortunately, it slammed right into the poor pony’s groin, instantly making him screech in pain again on the ground and go back to twitching in agony. Josh casually trotted over the top of the pony, making sure to stomp on the back of his head, as he walked straight into the spotless white kitchen. He instantly spotted the five chefs and yelled at them.
“YOU FIVE! IN FRONT OF ME, RIGHT NOW!” Josh snarled, stomping his hooves and startling all five of the stunned workers, “DO I STUTTER? I SAID GET YOUR FREAKING ASSES IN FRONT OF ME, NOW!”
“W-w-w-what is the meaning of this?!?!” one of the chefs, a green female earth pony, stuttered in horror, “Are you r-r-robbing us or something?”
“SHUT UP AND GET OVER HERE!” Josh roared, “I WILL NOT ASK YOU AGAIN!” This time, his screaming did the trick and all five chefs hurried in front of Josh, too scared to really disobey him. “Good, you five CAN listen to a simple order. Now, I’m hereby taking over as head chef of this kitchen. I find the crap that you idiot horses make completely disgusting, and this entire place gives me the creeps. This kind of establishment shouldn’t even BE in such a penniless town like Ponyville.”
“But…you can’t do that!” another one of the chefs, a yellow unicorn stallion, protested, taking a step forward to try and oppose Josh.
“Get your ass back in line or I’m gonna stuff your head into one of those ovens over there,” Josh replied coolly, motioning towards one of the kitchen’s ovens. His threat instantly got the stallion moving back in line almost as quickly as he had stepped forward; all five chefs seemed too scared to really say anything against the crazy dark-purple stallion in front of them.
“W-w-w-what are you gonna do to us?” a third chef whimpered, this one being a female Pegasus with a beautiful turquoise coat.
“First, I have to make sure you five have got what it takes to actually make GOOD food instead of that disgusting grass crap,” Josh replied, “So, I’m gonna tell you all what to make me, and I want it done it the set amount of time I give you. We’ll see what you can do under pressure. Is that clear?”
“Er…yes?” the green earth pony whimpered.
“Good, Greenie, that’s what I like to hear!” Josh smirked, “And since I could care less for your names, I’m just gonna call you by your colored coats. You’re Green, you’re Turquoise, you’re Yellow, you’re Red, and you’re Black. Okay, are we ready to go here?” He finished pointing out each pony and their new name while he was head chef.
“Y-y-yes…” the five chefs said in unison.
“Yes, CHEF JOSH!” Josh said.
“Y-Y-Y-YES, CHEF JOSH!” came the scared replies.
“Good! Now, Green, I want you to make to fry me three eggs, over-hard,” Josh demanded, “Turquoise, you make me a NORMAL pancake without any grass! Black, you make me some waffles. Red, you make me some cream of wheat. Yellow, you look stupid, so you just stand back and don’t get in the way. NOW, GET TO IT!”
“Y-Y-YES, CHEF J-J-JOSH!” the five scared chefs called out, quickly racing back into the kitchen and beginning to get to work on Josh’s orders.
“Hurry up! Move your asses! Get that skillet out! Mix up that batter! I’d better not see ANY grass or flowers or anything that even LOOKS like veggies!” Josh barked, “I want a GOOD breakfast, and you’re gonna give me one, or you’re gonna suffer.”
While Josh snickered and had fun bossing the five scared chefs around, he noticed that his maître d’ friend was starting to come around and weakly get back to his feet. To make sure he didn’t go anywhere, Josh grabbed a nearby rolling pin and trotted over on only three of his legs. Before the stallion maître d’ could limp back out of the kitchen and go for help, Josh nailed him over the head with the deadly kitchen weapon and grinned as his victim crumbled in no time.
“Ah, rolling pins are SUCH fun weapons,” Josh chuckled, “I should’ve used a frying pan, though, just like that dumb blonde liked to use in one of my favorite video games, Earthbound. Oh well, this worked as well. Now, to dispose of this nuisance once and for all.”
He attempted to grab the stallion’s stupid tuxedo and drag him towards the pantry, but he couldn’t use his hooves that well yet. He then forced himself to use his teeth instead, gripping the stallion’s uniform and dragging him towards the pantry that way. As the five chefs watched in horror, Josh opened up the pantry and kicked the maître d’ straight down the stairs. He landed with a sickening crunch after crashing down 14 wooden steps. With a happy grin, Josh shut the pantry door and locked it.
“I love it when a plan comes together,” the former human joked, trotting over to examine the food that was being made, “So, my chefs, how is the food going? Hmm…let me see those eggs…”
“Um, well, I did the best I could, but…” Green gulped, pushing the plate of over-hard eggs towards Josh for inspection. Josh picked up a fork with his hoof and poked at the eggs, but frowned when it was revealed to be over-easy instead of over-hard.
“It’s raw! RAW!” Josh roared, angrily throwing the plate of eggs across the room and watching them smash into the wall, “Hey, Green, is this your first time working here? Well, guess what? IT’S YOUR LAST! Get the hell out, NOW!”
“But…but…you don’t understand…” Green cried, trying to protest against this.
“GET…OUT…NOW!” Josh screamed, right into Green’s face. This immediately sent the earth pony into tears as she galloped from the kitchen, pushing past another pony who was about to enter from the other side. A second later, Rainbow Dash angrily flew into the kitchen, her eyes ablaze as she immediately flew up to Josh.
“Have you lost your MIND?!?!” she exclaimed, looking beside herself with rage, “You have gone WAY too far this time, Josh! You’re going to jail for this! I saw what you did to the headwaiter, and now you’re terrorizing these ponies and…”
“Dash, you might want to look out behind you,” Josh interrupted, pointing behind her back.
“Huh?” Rainbow asked, her mouth agape as she glanced behind her back. In shock, she had to quickly duck her head as Turquoise had picked up a frying pan and was about to smash it down onto the pony’s head. Yellow, Red and Black were each holding a toaster, a chef’s knife, and Josh’s rolling pin and were smirking evilly at Josh and Rainbow Dash.
“Yup, it’s just as I expected,” Josh chuckled, smirking deviously, “Glad you made it, Dash. As you know, I don’t hit females. So, you take out the leader, Turquoise. I’ll handle her three idiot henchmen, or hench-ponies as I guess you’d call them here.”
“W-w-w-wait, what’s going on here?!?!” Rainbow Dash gasped, completely confused, “W-w-why did you bring ME into this?!?! Um, hehe, look my ponies, this is all a big misunderstanding and…”
“Dash, this restaurant is secretly the base of an illegal cupcake operation,” Josh said calmly, “These four goons, along with the moron that I sent packing into the pantry, are the five who set it up. I sent Green away, since she was an innocent hostage taken victim to make sure nopony expected anything. I knew that you’d come and tell me off, so I held out until you got here. Now, as I said, you handle Turquoise. Those three stallions behind her are mine.”
“…I repeat…WHAT?!?!” Rainbow Dash screamed, but her question couldn’t be answered as Turquoise lunged at the Pegasus and swung her frying pan straight at her head. Dash quickly dodged, and deciding to save the questions for later, the two Pegasi went at each other while Josh took on the three stallions who had been anxiously waiting to get at Josh.
“We don’t know how you found out about us, but you’re too late!” Red sneered, the earth pony stallion smirked at Josh as he tried to slice the former human with his knife, “Our cupcake operation is already underway and there’s nothing you can do about it!”
“Yeah! Once our new ‘extreme cupcakes’ appears at Sugarcube Corner, we’ll be rich!” Yellow chuckled, attempting to clock Josh in the head with the toaster, “Using an addictive herb that we stole from the plant in Canterlot, we grew acres in our secret warehouse in Fillydelphia. We put them in our cupcakes and tested them on some stupid diamond dogs and they worked perfectly! The herbs are so perfectly that they cause the eater to go into a zombie-like state and thus they become our slaves! Soon, all of Ponyville will be eating our ‘extreme cupcakes’, and they will all become our slaves. Then, we’ll get Celestia and Luna, and soon rule the world! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“You nitwit! Why did you just tell him our entire plan?!?!” Black snapped, angrily striking Yellow upside the head with his rolling pin as Josh had earlier dodged both Red and Yellow’s attempts to kill him, “Well, no matter. Once we wake the boss up from the pantry and kill these two losers, we’ll be right back in business. Heck, maybe we’ll bake these two nosy foals into cupcakes, too!”
“First off, your plan is stupid,” Josh smirked, having fun watching the three stallions argue with one another and give away their entire plan, “Second off, you might want to say hello to Princess Celestia; she’s right behind you.”
“IT’S THE PRINCESS!” Yellow shrieked, turning around and instantly falling down in fear, “PRINCESS, THEY MADE ME DO IT, I SWEAR!”
“YOU TWO-TIMING MULE!” Black growled, turning around and attacking Yellow in anger.
“Uh…dudes…Celestia isn’t here,” Red pointed out, turning around and seeing nothing except Rainbow Dash spanking Turquoise with the frying pan, “Although the scene isn’t too shabby, the princess isn’t here.”
A second later, Red collapsed, followed by Black, and finally Yellow. Each one had been subsequently knocked over the head with a glass plate, instantly knocking each of them out. Josh’s little scheme had worked like a charm. It wasn’t too complicated and he didn’t even have to do much; using his brain was more of his style anyway. Josh then took out some wax paper from one of the drawers and began using it to tie up the three villains. Rainbow Dash was just finishing off Turquoise.
“We would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for you meddling ponies!” Turquoise growled, yelping as Rainbow Dash whipped her behind once more with the frying pan, “OW! STOP THAT ALREADY, YOU CRAZY PEGASUS! MMMMPH!” At that moment, she got an entire loaf of bread stuffed up her mouth to silence her, while Dash finished off tying her fellow Pegasus up with some string she found in the odds and ends drawer over by the sink.
“And that’s a WRAP,” Josh joked, finishing wrapping up his own three victims with the wax paper, “Nice work, Dash; you make a good sidekick.”
“Thanks…HEY! I’m nopony’s sidekick!” Dash frowned, flapping her wings and flying over to Josh, “If anything, you were MY sidekick…I just got here later than you, that’s all.”
“Sure, whatever, loser,” Josh teased.
“Ugh…okay, look…how in the world did you know what this was all about?” Dash asked, having heard what Yellow said about their plan, “I mean, I thought this was just you being a total jerk again for no reason whatsoever! How on all of Equestria did you KNOW?”
“That’s for me to know and you to find out,” Josh smirked, leaning over and giving Dash a mock tickle under her chin with his hoof, “Now, if you don’t mind, I’d REALLY like to get some REAL food; all this ass-kicking has gotten me hungry. I think I’ll take a rain check on your offer to get me some food and just go see Twilight; I’m sure she’ll have something normal and not so high-class as this phony place. Besides, I want to learn some magic from her…and then use it to shrink her and torture her.”
“But…but…WHAT?!?!” Dash squeaked, once again lost in confusion at what Josh was saying. Josh simply chuckled and gave Rainbow Dash one more wink, then started to trot towards the door.
“You can clean up here and take all the credit for saving the day,” Josh explained, “Go and call the cops and whatever; tell them that you did all the work. Make sure those thugs don’t get away, alright?”
“Okay…sure…bye then…” Rainbow Dash muttered, waving to Josh as she watched the alicorn walk out of the kitchen. Slowly, a weak smile broke out on Rainbow’s face. “Heh…he’s actually…pretty cool.”
“Oh, and one more thing,” Josh said, poking his head back into the kitchen, “You really shouldn’t hide it that you’re a lesbian, Rainbow Dash. I saw how much you were enjoying spanking Turquoise and I know how you feel about each of your friends. You really shouldn’t hide it. I think you’d fit perfectly with each of your stupid friends. Hmm…what would be a good name for you and Twilight…ooh, how about TwiDash?”
As Josh laughed his head off and finally left the kitchen for good, he heard an enraged scream from the doors behind him, followed by what sounded like a plate shattering as it was hurled against the doors that Josh had barely had time to close before trotting off towards the entrance.
“Did you hear? Rumor says he has something to do with Nightmare Moon!”
“He certainly LOOKS evil.”
“But aren’t Princess Celestia and Princess Luna the only alicorns in Equestria? How is he an alicorn?”
“Wasn’t he seen with Twilight Sparkle and her friends earlier?”
“He’s seriously freaking me out.”
“I think he’s kinda cute.”
“You don’t suppose he’s related to Zecora, do you? He looks just as creepy, that’s for sure!”
Trotting along the streets of Ponyville on his own, Josh’s sharp hearing allowed him to pick up on the whispers being shot around from pony to pony. Most of the rumors didn’t make a lot of sense to the former human, simply because he had only been in Equestria for one day and didn’t know a lot of its history. Several of the rumors included insults that left the stallion feeling very annoyed, and he had to contain his anger to prevent himself from going into a rage and pissing off the entire town again. The few whispers he heard that had positive things to say made him smirk; deep down, it felt good to be a stud, even if it only applied to certain onlookers over others.
“Is this what it feels like to be a celebrity? Or maybe a freak?” Josh muttered to himself, keeping his head low as he continued along the streets of the small town towards what he remembered as Twilight Sparkle’s home, “Humph…let them ogle me. Not like it’s anything new to me. I got this treatment all the time in school. It just means I’m better than all of them, that’s all. Yeah, they’re just gossipy because they know how much cooler I am…”
Grumbling a little, Josh reached back and brushed back some of his mane. All of his life, he was used to having very short hair. Having a slightly long mane made him feel uncomfortable. The hair kept tickling the back of his neck and getting wrapped around his shoulders when he dipped his head down. Plus, for possibly the first time since becoming a pony, Josh felt unnerved by the fact that he didn’t have any clothes on. He formulated a calculated guess inside of his head from observing Ponyville’s population and came to the conclusion that only about 10-20% of ponies wore clothes. Despite this fact, Josh still felt naked and very awkward being looked upon by curious males and females alike.
“So, this is what it’s like to be animal…it’s not as great as it’s cracked up to be.” Josh continued to talk to himself in a low whisper as he trotted along, only looking up to check on his current location to make sure he didn’t get lost. “I always kinda wanted to be a cat…when I was younger. Cats always looked so graceful and awesome. Plus, they don’t take crap from anybody. Ugh…but, this is just…terrible. This body feels warmer than my human body, I hate walking on four legs, I feel like a midget, and I can’t shake the feeling that everyone is looking at my butt.”
Passing Sugarcube Corner, Josh remembered that that was where Pinkie Pie lived. He was glad the pink pony didn’t see him walk past; he had a feeling he would’ve garnered an unwanted visit if she had. Inside his heart, a part of Josh could sympathize with Pinkie. When he was younger, and at least a LITTLE bit happy with his life, he acted a lot like the pink pony. He was always laughing and making jokes, being the life of the party and trying to make others smile. He loved to be random and silly, and tended to be the center of attention. However, when the fonder sides of his memories began to surface, Josh immediately remembered the negative ones that went along with them. The former human did indeed love to act like Pinkie, and while it made others laugh, it wasn’t always the kind of laughter that was nice. Half of the time, it was the bad kind of laughter, and Josh only got hurt from it.
“Dammit…stop thinking about such nonsense,” Josh growled, giving himself a slap across the face, “You are NOTHING like these idiotic ponies. They are nothing but bogus cartoon images of a female child’s prepubescent early years. It’s so disgusting to even THINK that I’m anything like these stupid creatures. I really need to get off this world and back to my own, and fast. This place is even causing me to talk to myself more than I usually do! Where IS that freaking library?”
Josh whipped his head around, trying to make heads and tails of where he was now. Ponyville wasn’t that big of a town, but he still found himself starting to become lost. It seemed that he was all alone as well, like the rest of the small town had spread their rumors far and wide and everypony was staying far away from him. This was nothing new for the former human, but he still felt his heart twitch slightly inside of his chest. He hated the ponies, but at least they entertained him and kept him amused. Being all by himself wasn’t a very good feeling.
“Goody…hell, maybe I AM already home!” Josh’s voice yelled out, purposely trying to draw attention to himself, “I was all alone there, and I’m all alone now. Un-freaking-believable; who would’ve thought that both worlds would eventually end up the same way? Hey, you stupid ponies! You have more in common with my world that I gave you credit for! CELEBRATE, WHY DON’T YA?”
Josh’s rage was masked by his inner sorrow, and it disgusted him to feel. He sat down on his haunches and shook his head. No matter where he went, no matter what he did, no matter what he said, it would always lead to the same outcome. The outcome of him sitting by himself in an empty area with not a single person giving a crap about him. Not like he didn’t know he deserved it. All he did was push everyone away who tried to get close to him.
He abused Applejack, who had actually seemed to finally show an interest in him. He wasn’t so kind to the Cutie Mark Crusaders, despite the fact he hated being mean to those still innocent to the pain of the world. He abused and mocked Rainbow Dash, a pony he could tell was very proud of her skills. He kept mocking Twilight Sparkle behind her back, he thought Pinkie Pie was a freak, he found Rarity to be the pony version of a female dog, and he just wanted to slap Fluttershy silly for being so meek. Josh knew that he deserved to be by himself.
“Josh? I thought I heard your yelling. What are you doing out here all by yourself?”
Josh’s ears perked up (an unusual abnormality he noticed were common in animals but obviously not in humans) at the familiar voice, and he lifted his head to find a certain violet unicorn peering at him from a few feet away. She was standing with her front right foreleg slightly lifted and bent in the air while she was stuck in her little stare. Her head was cocked to the side and she was giving Josh a curious look. Despite how much he hated the ponies, Josh couldn’t help but chuckle a bit. Seeing Twilight Sparkle in such a cute position reminded him of the dogs back on his home world, especially with her right foreleg lifted a few inches off the ground for no particular reason.
“Oh, you know, Twilight…I’m just being myself,” Josh said sarcastically, “I love wandering into the middle of cities filled with ponies and start screaming my head off for no good reason. Yeah, I totally do this back home all the time, too. It really helps your stress, ya know?”
“Hardy har-har.” Twilight rolled her eyes, trotting over to the male and giving him a stern look. “Well, whatever the reason, I must ask that you stop doing that; you’re gonna scare the Ponyville residents even more than you already have.”
“Thanks, purple girl, I just LOVE hearing how badly I’ve screwed up and how I look like a complete loser in front of your stupid pony friends.” Josh grumbled and turned away; he didn’t feel like being scolded. Twilight was as bad as his mother, and she reminded him an awful lot of her, too. But, just like his mother, there was no way to avoid Twilight’s lectures.
“Josh, you only have yourself to blame for alienating yourself from Ponyville,” the purple unicorn explained, trotting in front of Josh and forcing him to look at her, “You do realize that the last time you were here, you basically caused a huge scene before you said that little embarrassing remark about Rainbow Dash and myself. How did you expect everypony to react to seeing you just trotting around like you were one of us?”
“It was your own damn fault, you nerd! If you hadn’t pissed me off so badly, I wouldn’t have had to call you out for your obvious crush on Rainbow Dash!”
“Josh, I did nothing to…I DO NOT HAVE A CRUSH ON RAINBOW DASH!” Twilight gasped and held a hoof over her mouth, her face turning dark crimson as she whipped her head around back and forth, making sure that nopony else was around. Thankfully, since most of the Ponyville residents were staying away from Josh, Twilight’s shout went unheard.
“You so totally have a crush on Dash,” Josh sneered, pushing his face into Twilight’s and enjoying her angry expression, “Well, actually, I personally think all six of you ponies have crushes on ALL of each other, but it’s obvious that you and Dash belong together.”
Taking a deep breath and trying to calm herself down, remembering that Josh was just being a jerk and trying to rile her up, Twilight took the highroad. After quickly counting to ten inside of her head, Twilight gave Josh a frown as she crossed her forelegs across her chest. “Enlighten me, Josh. Why do you think that Dash and I belong together, hmm? I’m so very interested in hearing this.”
She looks so cute when she’s mad…man, she’s SUCH a nerd! Josh thought, getting a little chuckle out of the annoyed frown on Twilight’s face, I swear, if she wore some red-rimmed glasses and had her gothic hair tied back into a ponytail, she’d look just like some of the geeks from home!
“Uh…why are you looking at me like that?” Twilight blinked, waving her hoof in front of Josh’s face after the stallion had paused and proceeded to look at her like she was eye candy. “Is there something on my face?”
“Twilight…does your face hurt you?”
“Um…no, it doesn’t…why?”
“Because it’s killing ME!”
Josh couldn’t help himself; Twilight had walked right into that one. The former human cracked up and laughed his head off while Twilight took a moment to process the insult that was supposed to be a joke. When she finally came to the consensus that Josh was basically saying that her face was ugly, instead of looking mad, she looked hurt. “Josh…seriously, not funny. That wasn’t nice at all.”
Josh stopped laughing almost at once, due to not hearing Twilight’s amusing angry lecture words as he had thought he would. “Twilight…it was just a joke. Why aren’t you yelling at me? It makes me laugh when you do that.”
“Oh, I amuse you?” Twilight snapped, pushing her face into Josh’s again and giving a little huff, “So, I’m just one big joke to you, huh? Everything I say makes you laugh? I guess I’m just too big of a nerd to really say anything worthwhile, right?”
“No, no, you got it all wrong!” Josh growled, rubbing his forehead with his hooves irritably, “I meant that it’s the tone you use when you get mad that makes me laugh. It’s kinda hard to explain. It’s like…well, pretend that your friend Pinkie Pie just ran headfirst into a tree. Now, if she said something like, ‘Owie, that hurt…I think I need a doctor’, then that wouldn’t be funny…well, at least not to you. But, if she said something like, ‘Ooh, you dirty tree, getting in my way like that! You just bonked me on my head!’, then you just couldn’t help but laugh at her, right? It’s just like you. You’re a nerd, but the way you talk just makes me laugh.”
“Um…I don’t really follow…” Twilight scratched her chin with a hoof, trying to follow Josh’s logic, “So, to you, sometimes I sound serious and sometimes…I sound funny?”
“Pretty much. It’s one reason why I laugh at most things, even if they’re not visibly or understandably funny.” Josh paused, glancing at the bookworm next to him, and seeing a familiar look that his mother used to give him. It was a look of slight annoyance, but curiosity and wanting to hear more. Josh was always smarter than his mother, and it angered her; she would always yell at him, but eventually have to give in and admit that Josh was always better. The same look was being given by Twilight.
“Would you…like to come back to my library?” the unicorn asked, “I’d like to talk to you some more while you’re still here with us. I haven’t heard back from the princess, in case you were wondering.”
“Humph…okay, fine…but please keep your lectures to a minimum, please.” Josh snickered and playfully poked the annoyed unicorn right underneath her horn. “You see, like I explained to Rainbow Dash, I have certain allergies. One is that I’m allergic to bullcrap. I fear I might get one where I’m allergic to lectures soon enough. I’m honestly shocked I haven’t developed one after living with my mother most of my life.”
“Uh, but those aren’t actual toxins or viral airborne objects that could logically result in an allergy.”
“You think and talk too much, you know that?”
“Gee, does that sound somewhat familiar to you, Josh? I can think of somepony who it sounds like…”
“Just shut up and move your purple ass before I start kicking it.”
Giving an amused giggle, Twilight gave a little flip of her mane and beckoned for Josh to follow her towards her library home. Immaturely blowing a raspberry at the back of Twilight’s head, Josh eventually began forcing himself to be led along the backstreets to the unicorn’s house. Despite the fact he wasn’t amused by his escort, Josh did say that he wanted to go visit the mare to try and learn some magic, so it seemed everything was working out perfectly. All he had to do was put up with Twilight and her excessive talking. Despite his warnings and pleas, they had fallen on deaf ears. Twilight began chattering almost instantly as they had started trotting along.
“So, Josh, Cheerilee said she saw the Cutie Mark Crusaders drag you towards Applejack’s farm last night. Did you have a good time over there?”
“I’d rather not talk about it.”
“I hope you can continue to remain patient until Princess Celestia finds a way to send you home.”
“Patience isn’t in my vocabulary, sorry.”
“Oh, and don’t forget that you should probably go see Zecora sometime, since I’m guessing you still don’t really like being a pony, huh?”
“Every time I try to not think about it, some idiot brings it back up. Thank you very much, Twilight.”
“Josh, I’m not trying to give you orders, but I think you should go visit Fluttershy, Rarity and Pinkie Pie later today. You’ve been spending most of your time so far with AJ and Dash, both of whom are quite rough and rowdy, huh? Well, those three might be a good change of pace.”
“Do you have an off switch?”
“Of course, I honestly wouldn’t mind if you spent some time with me. Despite your rudeness, you are still a fascinating person that I’d like to get to know better. Plus, you ARE an alicorn, an extremely rare breed of pony, so this would really help my research if you’d let me study you a bit.”
“Oh, goody! I found my calling! It’s becoming the guinea pig for a purple pony! Mom will be so thrilled.”
“Spike lives with me, in case you didn’t remember. Could you please try to get along with him? He’s like my little brother and I really care for him, so I really wouldn’t like you fighting with him. Oh, and I also have a pet owl named Owlowiscious that I’m sure you’d like to meet.”
“Say, Twilight? There’s this cliff I took a liking to from earlier; wanna go take a look at it with me?”
“Could you possibly explain to me what it feels like to be a pony and how it differs from being a human? A pony in town named Lyra has some odd human-like tendencies to her, but that isn’t enough to go on. If it’s not too much trouble, maybe you could explain to me what it’s like to have been in both bodies?”
“Where’s Jason Voorhees when you need him? He likes nerds…I think. Or was that drunken teens?”
“You know, Josh, you could actually try contributing to the conversation instead of constantly saying rude and evil things…some of which I don’t really understand.”
“Did you forget how I specifically asked you to not lecture me?”
“I’m not. I’m trying to have a casual conversation with you. There’s a difference.”
“I want to strangle you right now.”
“That’s not healthy thinking.”
“When I go back home, I’m seriously gonna consider no longer liking the Philadelphia Phillies.”
“Fillydelphia? Have you been there? But, you’ve only been here one day! How is that possible?”
“Dear God, if you’re hearing me, please, I pray for you to unmercifully strike down Twilight Sparkle.”
When Twilight Sparkle wasn’t struck down, Josh remembered that, in this world, Celestia was their God. Since Twilight was Celestia’s student, there wasn’t about to be any punishment issued onto her. The fact that the princess most likely didn’t hear prayers probably didn’t help Josh’s case, either. So, after whispering something blasphemous and having to do things himself, the stallion tried to simply tune out the rest of Twilight’s conversation. When they reached the pony’s home, for the first time in Josh’s life, he was beyond thankful to reach a library.
“SHELTER FROM THE ROYAL BLABBERMOUTH! IT’S A MIRACLE!” Josh gasped, bowing down in front of the large tree and inciting a frown from Twilight, “OH, THANK THE HEAVENS FOR TREES…THAT ARE IRONIC ENOUGH TO HAVE LIBRARIES BUILT INTO THEM!”
“Josh…this is my home…you’re not ‘safe’ from me in there,” Twilight pointed out, giving a little smirk as Josh’s thrilled praising came to a crashing halt. Very slowly, the angry stallion churned his head around and glared at the purple bookworm. Twilight looked very amused, while Josh looked ready to pull out his hair.
“You know what? I’m starting to wonder which I would rather endure: Applejack and Rainbow Dash’s brashness and physicality or your indirect verbal onslaught of abuse and torture.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment…although I don’t really know why. Now, care to come in?” Twilight smiled and trotted over to the large door of her library home, leaving Josh silently cursing behind her back. Once again, though, the thought of learning powerful magic and turning Twilight into a frog or something worse came into his mind, so Josh pulled himself off the ground and forced himself to follow Twilight inside.
Since during the tour Josh hadn’t actually taken a good look inside of Twilight’s home, this time he actually decided to examine his surroundings. As Twilight shut the door using her magic, Josh stepped away from the unicorn and took in everything with his emerald eyes. The large bookcases filled with books, the desk with stacks of paper and a pen well with a quill in it, an upstairs which apparently led to a loft or Twilight’s bedroom, another room which was probably a kitchen, and Josh could tell that there was plenty more upstairs, should he ever bother asking about it. When he attempted to go and grab a random book off the nearest bookcase, he was shocked to see one levitating off the shelf already. Turning around, he found Twilight’s horn glowing and the book moving towards it through the air.
“Showoff,” Josh grumbled, sitting down in the middle of the main room and crossing his forelegs, “You can’t just go over to the shelf to take off a book? You have to waste your magic on that?”
“What’s wrong with it? It’s a lot easier and it saves time.” Twilight gave Josh a puzzled look, trotting over to her desk and setting the book down with her magic, making the glow around her horn go away. “You can do it too, you know. It’s a rather simple levitating spell.”
“I’d rather not waste my MP on such wasteful actions,” Josh snapped, before slapping his forehead and sighing, “Oh, right…this isn’t Final Fantasy or anything even CLOSE its epic-ness. I’m guessing here on this world you can use your magic as much as you like?”
“Well, yes…what exactly does ‘MP’ stand for?”
“Never mind. So, what was that book you so effortlessly floated over to yourself, Princess?”
“Well, it’s…wait, Princess?” Twilight gave Josh another one of her usual confused expressions. “Um, Josh, I’m not the princess. I’m not EITHER princess. You haven’t met Luna yet, but she’s really…”
“Calling a girl ‘princess’ is a term of endearment, you stupid horse,” Josh interrupted, “Not to mention a somewhat sarcastic way to address a girl who puts herself on a high pedestal and thinks she’s better than everyone else. So, yeah, you’re Princess Twilight.”
“I’m not sure if I’m okay with that…after what you just said and all.”
“Tough.”
Twilight gave a sigh, but just decided to let it go; getting into an argument with Josh was like trying to figure out Pinkie’s Pinkie Sense, and Twilight wasn’t stupid enough to make the same mistake twice. “Okay, whatever. Anyway, the book I chose was on poison joke and other unusual plants and objects that are considered unique and strange. I was foolish to not look at it before when first meeting Zecora, but I’m going right to it this time. Maybe it’ll explain some more about poison joke and its effects.”
“Sweet. While you further educate and inflate your already-monstrously-huge ego, mind if I take a look around?” Josh was very interested in learning some magic, but by himself. Like in school, he preferred learning and studying by himself and without the aid of others. Learning from others made him feel stupid and moronic.
“Go ahead, my rude friend. Just please don’t destroy anything. Also, Spike is sleeping in late today, so he should be asleep in his bed upstairs. If you could, try not to wake him, please.”
“Well, since you said ‘please’…I’ll consider it,” Josh snickered, turning away from Twilight after hearing her usual aggravated sigh, “Enjoy your reading, Princess.”
“Thank you, Josh. If you need anything, feel free to ask me.”
“You wouldn’t happen to have some scissors, would you? Your mane looks kinda long.”
“Touch my mane and I show you the results of all my years of learning under Princess Celestia.”
“Touchy, touchy,” Josh mused, but takes the hint and slowly backs away from the bookworm and leaves her to her book.
The dark purple stallion idly strolled around the library, for the most part behaving himself. Like with Applejack, Josh at least had enough manners to not purposely destroy Twilight’s properly or home, despite the fact he still didn’t consider these ponies anything more than fake cartoon characters. Since he still didn’t know how to use his magic, and he wasn’t about to ask Twilight to teach him (despite his earlier thoughts of WANTING to ask her), he was forced to pull out books from the large bookcases filling the library with his own clumsy hooves. Easy to say, he was growing frustrated in no time.
Stupid hooves! Josh growled to himself, pulling out a book on some bearded pony in Equestrian history and finding it hard to flip the pages, It’s like trying to fold pieces of paper while wearing thick and heavy gloves. And what IS this crap? Ugh, I HATE history! Get this garbage outta here! Josh stuffed the book right back into its slot and quickly moved away from the area.
Next, Josh stood up on his hind legs and attempted to reach a higher book on another shelf, but couldn’t quite reach. He tried using his horn to tip the book off its resting place, but all that happened was him getting slammed in the face by said book when it crashed down on top of him. After receiving a quick and distracted lecture from Twilight on not to damage her books, Josh rubbed his nose and case the unicorn a dirty look before looking at the book that had struck him. It was about the winter solstice.
“As much as I enjoy the winter, this is useless!” Josh sighed, picking the book up with his two hooves and balancing on his hind legs, “Now to put this back…where it came from…ugh, come on!” Try as he might, the stallion couldn’t get the book back on its shelf. Either his hind legs wouldn’t steady themselves enough for him or he couldn’t quite reach the shelf again like he had the first time. Twilight had stopped her own reading for a second to observe the boy and looked very amused.
“…perhaps you’d like me to teach you some basic magic?” she asked, “I know you don’t plan on being here for long, but I could teach you a simple levitation spell. I can see that you’re struggling to really do things as an earth pony, and just wasting your horn isn’t doing anypony any good.”
“I don’t need your help, Princess! I’ve got this!” Josh tried again to return the book, but once again failed and this time ended up crashing over backwards and landing hard on his backside. The book came down right on top of his face again, too. Twilight stifled a giggle.
“Well, if you don’t wish to learn any magic, that’s your prerogative.”
“Damn straight. Now, shut up already; you’re distracting me from doing this properly!” For the next five minutes, Josh tried his best to get the book back on its shelf. During these five minutes, Josh did a number of different things.
The former human attempted to leap up to the shelf to return the book, but failed. He tried to throw the book back onto the shelf and was met with another scolding from Twilight. He verbally assaulted the book and ordered it back onto the shelf with zero results. He loudly proclaimed how ironic it was that it was easy to remove something but it was always harder than heck to put it back. He took a break to chew out Twilight for no reason, also going into how it was all her fault with how poorly put-together her library was. He tried to climb the bookshelf, but his only rewards were a scolding from Twilight and a bad bruise on his butt when he fell right back down onto the floor.
Finally, exasperated and fully humiliated with having a single book outsmart him, a sweaty and angry Josh looked back at Twilight. “Could you…be my step?”
“Oh, you mean using me as a prop so that you can gain more leverage and therefore finally reach the required height to return the book without resorting to other destructive means?”
“Yes. Thank you for over-exemplifying my simple question and making me look like a retard.”
“I was just reiterating what you said in my own way to make sure I fully understood before I help you.”
“Whatever. Just get your purple butt over here and help me, Princess.”
“I didn’t hear a please out of you.”
“…would you please let me use you as a footstool…or hoof-stool…so I can return this freaking book and get on with my life?”
“That’ll do.”
Twilight chuckled and set her book aside as she trotted over to Josh. Sure, she knew that she could easily just return Josh’s book with her horn in two seconds, but doing everything for Josh wasn’t teaching him anything. At least this way would teach him how to ask for help and how not to be so cold and distant. Eventually, if he kept struggling with such simple tasks, she might even ask the unicorn to teach him some simple magic that even a filly could learn. For now, though, Josh had a book to return to its rightful shelf.
Siding up to the designated bookshelf, Twilight stood as tall as she could on all four legs. She pressed the right side of her body softly up against the bookcase to make sure she was as close as possible before turning and giving Josh a smile and a nod. “Be careful, alright? If you fall over backwards again, I’ll catch you with my magic.”
“Oh, shut up! I don’t need you babying me!” Josh snapped, his cheeks turning slightly red as he glanced from Twilight, to the book in his hooves, and back again. “Um…how am I supposed to…get on top of you? Ugh, that sounded…perverted.”
“Gently put the book in your mouth, then climb up onto my back. After that, just stand up on your hind legs, pull the book out of your mouth with your hooves, and return it to the shelf. You can do it, Josh. Just trust me.”
“This has nothing to do with trusting you, you idiot!”
“Yes it is, Josh. You actually asked me for help, and you even said please. Plus, you’re trusting me to stand still for you so that you can return the book.”
“…I feel like I’m in kindergarten and the teacher is talking to me in baby language like I’m a complete moron.”
“When you have friends, you help each other and rely on one another. This is nothing about you not being able to do something. It’s about knowing when to ask for help and taking what you get without letting it hurt or anger you. Now, come Josh, return the book.”
“…is it possible that you’ve had this book in your mouth at one point or another?”
“Oh, Josh, for goodness sake!”
“Alright, alright! Sheez, what a nag.”
Trying to pretend that he was just putting a large cookie in his mouth that he couldn’t eat, Josh quickly opened his maw and stuffed the book inside. He bit down softly without trying to damage the covers, and once it was firmly in place, he looked at Twilight Sparkle. Somehow, crawling on top of a female, even if it was just for something like this, unnerved him. He never had to do anything like this back in his world. He usually just whined to his mother to do things for him, or forced someone else to do his work, or just used a ladder.
Very slowly, Josh trotted up to Twilight and examined her back. As promised, she was standing up straight and it didn’t seem like she was trying to fool him in any way. Cautiously, the former human boy placed his front right hoof on Twilight’s lower back. Then, he did the same with his left hoof on Twilight’s upper back, right below the back of her neck. She felt so soft and delicate, just as he always imagined a female WOULD feel. Then again, he was dealing with an animal, so Josh was trying to think of Twilight as a kitty back home.
Okay…just climb on top of her and return the damn book…why the hell is this taking so long? Josh wondered, looking at Twilight’s mane and blinking a few times, I should just force her to return the book herself…no, then I’m just opening up the door to being teased about not having magic when I have a freaking horn on my head. Curse my proudness…but, that’s who I am, baby! Hmm…Twilight would be hot…IF she was a human. Shame, really…also a shame that I hate this freaking world.
Letting out muffled mutters through the clenched book in his jaws, Josh gently leaped up so he got all four legs on Twilight’s back. The pony verbally grunted and seemed to sag a little with the extra weight, but otherwise she didn’t move or comment. Josh wobbly balanced on top of Twilight’s backside with all four legs before gently placing his front hooves on the bookcase and climbing upwards. Twilight’s body seemed to shake slightly from underneath him, leading him to believe that she might not hold for long, so he had to be quick. Josh was soon standing with his hind legs on Twilight’s back, and he was easily right in front of the gap in the bookcase where the book on winter solstice went.
There you are…now to put you back, you little devil of a book! Josh thought, proudly spitting out the book and catching it with one hoof, balancing the book in it while using his other hoof to balance against the bookcase, Back into your hole, stupid book. Ha! I knew I could do this without using stupid magic. See, Princess Twilight? You and your magic can kiss my…
“Gah…Josh, you’re heavier…than I expected…” Twilight gasped, her legs twitching underneath her body as she strained to keep the stallion on top of her aloft, “I…don’t have AJ’s strength…I think I’m gonna…” Letting out a loud cry, Twilight’s legs flew out from under her and Josh found himself flying.
Forgetting to open up his wings, and probably just not used to them being there to begin with, Josh growled and closed his eyes. He was bracing himself for a rather hard and painful landing on a hard wood floor, which would easily put a few more bruises on his body, not to mention forcing him to have Twilight Sparkle endure some more of his wrath. However, after a split-second of falling, he let out a grunt as he landed on something soft instead. A second grunt echoed out almost instantly after his, and he froze when he realized just what he landed on. Opening his eyes, he saw Twilight Sparkle underneath him, her face sweaty and a deep red.
“Uh…”
“Er…”
Josh’s larger stallion body easily pinned Twilight’s smaller unicorn one. The purple pony blinked half a dozen times as she stared up into Josh’s face, her front hooves accidentally pinned to her sides by Josh’s. The stallion’s emerald eyes locked with Twilight’s violet pupils for a moment, each one taking this chance to fully examine the other. Both of their faces were now a deep red, either from exhaustion or possible embarrassment. Twilight was used to accidents, sure, but she had never had a stallion on top of her before. Josh was also used to accidents, but he had never been on top of ANYTHING in his life. The situation was new to both ponies.
Her eyes…dammit…she’s so…pretty, Josh thought, unable to pull away from Twilight’s eyes, Applejack’s eyes…were green, just like mine…and they were so…peaceful. But, Twilight’s eyes…they’re my favorite color, purple. And…she’s purple, too…and so is her mane…kinda. What…what are these feelings…what are these butterflies…what the hell IS this? Some kind of trick? Some kind of magic? All I’m doing is staring down at a stupid pony! I’m a freaking human being, not a pony! Dammit, this is just stupid…I’m getting up. But, he didn’t get up. He stayed atop Twilight, his face only inches from hers.
His eyes…they look so cold…but, I can feel…warmth…emanating from somewhere deep, deep inside, Twilight thought, squirming only slightly and not really making much of an effort to get away, not to mention not bothering to use her teleportation, I…I’ve never felt this…from any pony before. All of my friends…Spike…Princess Celestia…none of their eyes are like this. I can feel their love just by staring at them…I can read their hearts. But, Josh…his eyes are glazed…they’re hurt, and alone…and possibly scared? What…what is this…who is this…Josh?
For once, his heart speaking in place of his brain, Josh found his right hoof rising towards Twilight’s face without his consent. His body stayed put atop the smaller purple female pony, and he still didn’t seem all too pressured to just lift himself away. Likewise, the unicorn herself wasn’t moving to get away, either. Both ponies could feel their hearts gently beating against one another as their chests were pressed together. The heat resonating from their breaths and bodies calmed the two, and when Josh felt his hoof brush against Twilight’s left cheek, the heat rose to an inferno.
“Twilight Sparkle…”
“Josh…”
“HOLY CELESTIA! W-W-W-WHAT IS THIS?!?! EW, EW, EW, EW, EW!”
Josh froze, his hoof still pressing gently into Twilight’s cheek. Twilight froze as well, her pupils slowly moving to the left and slightly upwards. At the top of the stairs, staring down at them in horror and disgust, was none other than Spike. Having been awoken thanks to the loud thump of Josh landing on Twilight, not to mention Twilight’s soft squeak upon being landed upon, he had decided to investigate. What he was viewing wasn’t sitting well with his fragile mind. When Josh finally snapped out of his momentary trance and cast a glance up towards the stairs, he groaned and rolled his eyes.
“N-N-NO! I KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING! I’M NO STUPID DRAGON!”
“That’s debatable, but would you please let me get a word in so I can…”
“YOU DON’T TOUCH TWILIGHT AGAIN, YOU HEAR ME? I WILL HURT YOU IF YOU TOUCH HER AGAIN!”
“You’re an idiot, you know that?”
“TWILIGHT, TWILIGHT! HURRY TO MY SIDE! I’LL PROTECT YOU!”
Twilight sighed, slapping her forehead with her hoof as she glanced at her enraged number one assistant glaring down the annoyed stallion sitting next to her. After the intrusion by the stunned little dragon, Josh had quickly removed himself from atop Twilight and had tried to explain what happened, all to no avail. Twilight was now sitting next to Josh, looking exasperated that she would have to sort out this mess that never should’ve happened in the first place.
Seeing Spike posing in an attack position and getting ready to strike Josh, while at the same time try and “protect” Twilight, the unicorn couldn’t help but feel a slight sense of appreciation; knowing that Spike cared for her so much really touched her. However, since the last thing she wanted was for Josh and Spike to have a fight, let alone inside of her library, she knew she had to think fast; both boys weren’t exactly the best at controlling their tempers, after all.
“Spike, please listen to me,” Twilight said carefully, speaking in a soft and relaxed tone in an attempt to make Spike calm down, “Josh used his horn to tip a book over from this shelf over here, and he couldn’t get it back up, since he doesn’t know how to use magic yet. He was using me as a prop, and his weight was a bit much for me, so I ended up collapsing and having him fall on top of me. You just arrived here at the wrong time, that’s all.”
“Hmm…so, he WASN’T trying to…um…hurt you?” Spike asked, narrowing his eyes as he cast Josh a very suspicious look.
“Believe me, dragon boy, if I wanted to hurt a girl, I wouldn’t do it in THAT way,” Josh sniffed, looking offended at the thought, “I may be a jerk, but one thing I’m not is a boy who takes joy in hurting girls for his own selfish pleasure. It was just an accident and nothing more. Besides, this fool of a librarian isn’t even worth punishing.”
Since it was Josh talking, Spike didn’t look very convinced. In fact, he almost looked more inclined to hurt Josh than ever before, possibly due to him insulting Twilight. The purple unicorn, however, thought of a plan to get Spike to drop his anger without another passing moment. “Hey, Spike! I heard that Rarity was looking for you this morning!”
“She…she was? R-really?!?! W-w-what about?”
“Um…well, I think she said something about needing a model for some of her new outfits and how she was gonna give you a big kiss if you helped her out and…” Twilight didn’t even finish her sentence before Spike zoomed out of the library in two seconds flat, leaving a slamming door and two amused ponies in his wake.
“So…he has a crush on that stupid white unicorn, eh?” Josh snickered, “Somehow, I shouldn’t be surprised. He’s an arrogant, annoying little brat…and SHE’S an arrogant, annoying little brat. They just work so perfectly together.”
“Josh, Rarity isn’t stupid, nor is she arrogant and annoying,” Twilight said coolly, before giving a playful smirk herself, “A brat…maybe. But, please refrain from calling her stupid, arrogant or annoying. My friends mean a lot to me and I don’t want to hear you saying such things about them.”
“Very well, I’ll say them when you’re NOT in my presence.”
“Ugh, WHAT am I gonna do with you?”
“Bow down and worship me for being the amazingly-awesome person that I am?”
“How about I instead teach you a bit of magic before I turn you into a frog out of irritation?”
“Grumpy nag…fine, whatever; just hurry up before I get mad and use you for target practice.”
Giving a satisfied smile, Twilight ushered for Josh to follow her over to her desk where she had been studying the book on poison joke. Josh followed, already excited about using magic to do whatever he desired. Inside of his mind, he was already thinking about turning Twilight and her five friends into little dolls and playing with them, or in the very least giving them to the Cutie Mark Crusaders. A million other evil little thoughts kept racking through his brain as well; the more he thought, the better his ideas on how to torture the ponies with the possible magic he could learn.
“Okay, Josh, since the evil grin on your face is telling it all, I’m only gonna teach you some elementary magic spells that can help you deal with everyday life on Equestria,” Twilight said, watching as the happy expression on Josh’s face immediately vanished, “You didn’t REALLY think I’d teach you powerful spells that could easily be turned against me and my friends, did you?”
“Well, you ponies don’t really strike me as smart, so…” Josh muttered, wanting nothing more than to wipe that victorious smirk off the female unicorn’s face.
“You know, Josh, I have a philosophy that I think you should know about,” Twilight explained, her expression showing that she was once again teasing the angry stallion, “It goes: Don’t judge a book by its cover. It’s actually quite a rather common philosophy; you ever hear of it?”
“I prefer a philosophy from my own world that goes a little something like this: If you deny something exists, then it doesn’t exist. Sorry, Twilight, but you do not exist.”
“Josh, that philosophy makes no sense, since you just can’t deny something that very clearly exists. That would be like me denying Pinkie’s Pinkie Sense. I tried denying that it didn’t exist, and all I got out of it was a trip to the hospital and a very painful lesson.”
“You take the fun out of everything, you know that? Typical nerd.”
“And YOU set yourself up for being disappointed, Josh. Typical uneducated boy.”
“What did you call me?”
“You heard me.”
Both proud and cocky ponies got into each other’s faces, Josh and Twilight both glaring at each other and daring the other to make the next move. Twilight wasn’t usually so upfront and personal with ponies, like when she had dealt with a certain blue show-mare before, but when she was challenged to an indirect battle of wits, she wasn’t about to back down to someone who considered themselves just as smart as her. Josh felt the same exact way, and he was never gonna let a pony get the last word in.
The two ponies shoved their faces within inches of each other, the tips of their noses gently scraping against one another as emerald eyes glared into violet eyes. Josh’s athletic, lengthy body overshadowed Twilight’s slim, fragile form, but the latter’s eyes and stance were equally, if not more powerful than Josh’s. No matter how badly Josh tried to intimidate and make Twilight back down, the unicorn seemed intent at calling Josh’s bluff and holding her ground. The former human was slightly intrigued by this.
I can’t believe a puny little purple unicorn continues to dare get in my face and not back down, Josh thought, admiring the strong fortitude displayed in Twilight’s visage, She’s not like the typical nerd back from my world. On earth, the geeks always usually cower and run like babies when they’re yelled at, or in the very least make themselves look stupid trying to defend themselves. What’s your game, Twilight Sparkle?
“Um…Josh? Are you just gonna keep staring at me all day, or are we gonna teach you some magic?” Twilight asked, breaking the uneasy moment of awkward silence and staring. Another slight blush of redness streaked across her muzzle the longer Josh pressed his face close to hers. Much like when he had landed on top of her, she felt so odd when next to the rude stallion. She had no idea why.
“Humph…you started it,” Josh said immaturely, quickly backing away and sitting down on one of the cushions that Twilight kept at her studying desk, not aware of the own heat generating from his cheeks. Giving another content smile of victory and not noticing Josh’s blushing, Twilight decided to leave well enough alone and finally get to the little magic lesson.
“Okay, Josh, the first thing we need to do is get you to realize you actually have magic inside of your body,” Twilight explained, “Alicorns are incredibly powerful ponies, which is why they have all three forms of unicorn, Pegasus and earth pony making up their bodies. You are indeed a unique case, being one without a cutie mark and formally being a human, but we’ll see if the standard magic proceedings apply to you. Please close your eyes.”
“Do I have to? I’d rather not be alone with you while my eyes are closed. That’s a surefire way to have something bad happen.”
“Josh.”
“What, I’m serious! Back on my world, if I was all alone in a house with a devious female and she asked me to close my eyes, you would know what I’m talking about.”
“JOSH!”
“Alright, alright, keep your horn on!” Josh frowned and muttered something incoherent under his breath before finally clenching his eyes shut and plunging into darkness.
“Okay, good. Josh, can you feel the magic inside of your body?” Twilight’s voice streamed into Josh’s ears, softly and almost melodiously. “You must stay calmed and soothed; magic can be unpredictable and very dangerous if misused or abused. Do not be stressed. Let yourself relax in the darkness and allow your body to find the magic that lies within.”
Josh, despite hating being told what to do, really wanted to get this right, so he gave a quick nod and obeyed Twilight’s words. He tried to focus on something happy, or in the very least something that could calm him and not stress his heart and mind, but there was nothing. No matter what he imagined or what he thought about, all Josh found was hatred and rage. Thinking about his family, his life on earth, his school years, his one day on Equestria so far…all of it only brought Josh anger. So, he did the one thing that he knew he could do. He blanked his mind and thought of nothing at all.
“Listen to my voice, Josh. With your body and your mind calmed and relaxed, it’s time to channel your magic. You don’t have a cutie mark, so I cannot say what type of magic you own, but since you are an alicorn, you should be able to use a magnitude of magic. Therefore, your power should come close to my own. Try to find the fire in your heart that will ignite your mind with the joy and power of magic. Can you feel that fire burning within you, Josh? Can you feel it?”
With his mind blanked, Josh heard Twilight’s words enter the darkness. Deep down, the stallion wanted to hack and make a rude comment at the corniness of Twilight’s speech, but since he didn’t want to kill himself or blow up this entire world with his as-of-yet-unknown magic, Josh attempted to channel his magic that Twilight claimed he had inside of him. Clenching his eyes shut even tighter, Josh took a deep breath and held it, then tried to locate his inner magic. Nothing was happening, except the pressure of holding his breath and hurting his chest.
“When you feel that fire, you’ll know that it’s your magic. You’ll know that it’ll beg you to be released. When I took my magic test when I was just a filly, my inner magic was only unleashed after a lot of strain and hard work…and Rainbow Dash’s Sonic Rainboom. When you feel that spark, Josh, you’ll know. Your mind will know. Your horn will know. Your heart will know. Unleash your magic, Josh! Focus it into your horn! You are one of us…for right now…so prove it! Where is your magic, Josh?”
Magic…such utter nonsense…all of this is nonsense! Josh growled to himself, still not feeling anything other than his usual chest pain from holding his breath, Why am I even wasting my time with this? I still haven’t ruled out the possibility of this all just being a dream while I’m in a coma back in my own world. For what logical reason am I doing this? I don’t HAVE any magic because I’m not a freaking pony! This is just the effects of a dumbass flower! That does it, this is seriously lame; I’m just gonna open my eyes and stop this bullcrap. Fire in my heart? Where is my magic? Newsflash, Twilight Sparkle, I DON’T HAVE ANY…
Josh froze, his angry thoughts vanishing as a sudden numbing sensation began slithering down his body. It was an unusual feeling that Josh hadn’t felt before…at least not while he was awake. Did he feel this way during that strange nightmare he had at Applejack’s? But, that was just a nightmare; who cared what happened in dreams? Dreams weren’t real; they were just figments of imagination sewed together within one’s mind during the body’s rest period. But, this feeling was new and unorthodox, and Josh didn’t like it. He began to feel cold.
What…the hell? I…I can’t open my eyes…what IS this? Josh wheezed, trying to pry apart his eyelids, but finding them glued together by an invisible force, Is this…magic? What the hell kind of magic is this? Did I…take away my own motor skills? No…Twilight did this…she had to! My body…feeling numb…so cold and numb…make it stop…
Beginning at the back of his head, the unnerving numbing had crept its way down Josh’s spine, towards his rear and tail. It was akin to the feeling of having a sponge soaked with water that had been chilled past the point of freezing dribbled down the back of one’s neck. Josh couldn’t move an inch of his body. His breaths came out in short, quick wisps through a slit in his mouth. His eyes continued to be hemmed shut; the muscles in his head weren’t working to even attempt to lift his eyelids, regardless. Josh was scared. He hated to admit it; he would NEVER admit it. But, he was scared. If this was magic, he wanted no part of it. He wouldn’t wish such torture on anything, pony or human.
Let me go…dammit, let me go! Josh’s mind continued to scream, attempting to command his body to move and reject the numbing and paralyzing feelings, I’m not a slave to magic…or whatever the hell this is! LET ME GO!
The numbing began moving over onto Josh’s front, fully casing the scared stallion into full paralysis. His body was frozen, his legs were frozen, his organs seemed to be on ice, and his head felt like it was beginning to feel light. Only his mind hadn’t shut down, allowing him to continue to scream to the darkness. Twilight was no longer talking, or if she was, he couldn’t hear her. The stallion was going mentally crazy. Was this what death felt like? Was it your entire body shutting down before the final part, your mind, finally went kaput? Josh couldn’t feel his heart beating. He couldn’t hear or see or smell anything. His voice wasn’t working. He could feel nothing from the horn on his head.
Killed…I’m being killed? Death has come…but why now? Josh thought, the confusion and horror mixing together to form an odd serenity within Josh’s mind, Is Twilight doing this to me? Is my…is my own magic…the magic of death? Am I…the Angel of Death? No…utter nonsense…this is…this is…a dream? Another nightmare? Answer me…ANSWER ME, DAMN YOU! DARKNESS, ANSWER ME NOW!
Josh thought he saw red. Glowing red eyes, or maybe dots, protruding from the darkness that his mind and closed eyes had created. The numbing continued to linger, coating his body with the essence of helplessness and despair, but Josh’s third eye could see clearly into the darkness. Something crimson and foreboding was staring back at him, creating another layer of the chilling numbness that already occupied his body. His mind wasn’t alone. His heart wasn’t alone. Something was watching him.
You…again? Who…WHAT are you? Josh’s mind screamed out, trying to replace his fright with anger as he stared down the red creature invading his innermost darkness, Yes…yes, I remember you. You’re the one who gave me that nightmare back at Applejack’s. Let me guess…you’re a dumbass pony, right? You’re a pony who likes to freak others out by invading their personal space, right? Get out of my head, before I drive you out myself!
The creature stayed hidden in the darkness, straying from Josh’s third eye, but its presence kept Josh immobilized and unable to do a thing. Like with his dream at Applejack’s, the creature began moving silently towards the frozen Josh. Was he sleeping? Had he simply fallen into a trance from his own magic and that was why this was happening? He couldn’t understand why, but Josh didn’t want that creature from the darkness to get near him. Something told him that he was in deep trouble if that creature managed to get ahold of him. Josh was growing more scared by the minute.
Get AWAY from me! Leave me alone! TWILIGHT, WAKE ME UP! Josh tried yelling, he tried moving, but he was frozen in time and space itself. The creature kept drawing nearer, and Josh could begin to make out more of its limited features.
The “redness” seemed to be the creature’s eye sockets, which were hollow and empty. The red color was nothing more than some kind of ectoplasm or energy, and despite Josh being unable to identity it, he could feel a deep foreboding hatred emanating from its hollowed depths. The outline of the creature was unidentifiable, with Josh only being able to make out the faint hints of an even darker blackness compiling the creature than what made up the vastness of his mind. It was almost like this strange creature wasn’t a being at all, but a part of Josh himself that he didn’t understand. The creature kept moving closer.
I’m not scared of you…I’m NOT scared of you…this is nonsense! Josh’s silent thoughts continued to escalate within an even deeper quandary of his head, Wake up…wake up…wake up…WAKE UP! Josh felt the heat of the red eye sockets of the black creature reach him and a new tingling sensation spread throughout his body, but then he opened his eyes. He saw Twilight Sparkle staring back at him.
“Ugh, FINALLY!” Josh sighed, quickly turning away from Twilight and angrily stomping away, “Screw that freaking magic, Twilight; I had no idea what I was doing. This stupid black thing was inside my head and I was numb and…” He halted dead in his tracks when he noticed the state of the library around him. Things were wrong. Things were VERY wrong. The library was now fuzzy and gray, like the background of an old black and white movie. The air was cold and stale, and Josh couldn’t hear Twilight. He whipped his head around to see if this was another magic trick, and nearly had a heart attack. Josh hadn’t moved from his spot. He was still sitting in front of Twilight.
Twilight Sparkle seemed to be locked in a trance herself as she stared blankly at the Josh in front of her. The stallion looked just like Josh, but the real Josh was standing to Twilight’s right in a panic. Did he somehow leave his body? Was he a ghost? Did his magic allow him to project his soul from his body when he concentrated enough? Numerous questions rushed through Josh’s brain as he tried to understand just what was going on, until he noticed that his real body was staring right at him. Its eyes were a blazing red and a wide grin was very, very slowly creeping up the corners of his cheeks.
“What…what the hell…okay, NOT cool…this is seriously creeping me out now!” Josh gulped, slowly backing away in a panic as he watched the horrifying grin continue to widen on his body’s face, “What took over my body? Give me back my body! Leave…leave Twilight alone! She’s MY pony to torture, not yours! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY BODY!”
It was at this point that Josh finally took a gander at his momentary form, and was shocked to see that he wasn’t invisible, nor was he gray like the background. He looked the same as he always did, in his stallion form at least. Now more confused than ever, Josh lifted his eyes back up to observe what his body was doing, only to discover that his body was now sitting only inches away from him. Its glowing red eyes were staring into Josh’s emerald pupils, while the eerie grin stayed plastered on its face. If Josh had ever felt goose bumps and chills run down his body before, nothing had prepared him for this.
“Look, buddy…or, me, or whoever you are…this isn’t funny,” Josh said calmly, trying to ignore how cold he was feeling as he glared down his own body, “Whoever…no, whatever you are, you’d better get the hell out of my body right now, or I’m decking you right in the face. It’ll hurt to hit myself, but this isn’t cool. I’ll give you to the count of three. One…”
The chills were continuing to ripple through his spine, and his body just kept continuing to grin at him with its toothy, spooky smile. Its eyes kept blazing away with its fiery red gaze. Josh started to feel numb again, but this was different than before. Last time, the numbness led to paralysis. This time, it was leading to lightheadedness and even dizziness. When Josh managed to pull his eyes away from the locked glare on his own body, he peered down at his flanks and a silent scream locked itself in his throat. His body was beginning to vanish.
“T-t-t-two!” Josh managed to choke out, watching in horror as the fabric of his being was slowly eaten away by an unseen force. His hind legs were gone, as was his tail, his butt, and now his groin. It didn’t hurt, but…it didn’t feel good, either. Josh was disappearing from existence; it was a feeling he couldn’t explain. A feeling of emptiness and hollowness of no longer living that one could not phantom to understand without being in such a situation. He had no idea what was happening, but a dark realization was beginning to form inside his head. There were two of him, and only one could exist.
“W-w-whoever you are…w-w-whatever you are…YOU’RE NOT STEALING ME!” Josh shrieked, lifting up his hoof and making a fist, “THAT’S MY BODY AND MY LIFE! MISERABLE OR NOT, IT’S STILL MY FREAKING LIFE! THREE!” As his torso vanished, Josh pulled his clenched hoof back behind his head, locked in on the mock grin on his own body’s face, and brought his fist around with everything he could. The strike was perfect, and the last thing he heard was an angry snarl as his body was blasted backwards towards Twilight’s own body. Josh fainted.
“…Josh…Josh…JOSH…JOSH, WAKE UP!”
Twilight’s voice echoed through the library, and Josh felt her soft hooves gently pushing on his shoulders. Coughing and uttering a low moan, Josh’s lips pushed together as he wearily lifted his eyelids. He saw color. He felt warmth. He saw a scared and alert Twilight Sparkle standing over him with her eyes full of fright. He could feel his body and could move every inch of it. Like when he was at Applejack’s house, Josh did find himself drenched with cold sweat again, but the heat of the library was slowly warming him. He saw no sign of the dark creature, and for some reason, his nose hurt.
“Josh…oh Celestia…Josh, you’re awake!” Twilight sighed in relief, instantly pulling the stallion up and hugging him tightly, “I…I was so scared. When you closed your eyes to concentrate, you…you stopped breathing. Your whole body looked rigid and numb. Then…then you…then you seemed to open your eyes for a split-second, but…but…all I saw was fire. I saw fire, Josh. I…I don’t think…that didn’t seem like you…at all! But, then…you collapsed onto your back and started to breathe again…oh Celestia, I was so scared! What happened?”
Mountains of questions and comments racked Josh’s brain, begging to be asked and said. He wanted to push Twilight away. He wanted to tell her he was alright. He wanted to yell at her and blame her for this. He wanted to ask why his nose was hurting. He wanted to run away and never look back upon these crazy horses. He wanted to ask her about the experience he just went through. He wanted to ask Twilight why she was so scared for him when he didn’t like her at all. But, as his labored breaths continued to wisp their way out of his cold lips and his sweaty body began to dry, Josh could only manage one sentence.
“For once…I’m actually happy to see you, Twilight Sparkle.”
“But, Josh, what happened? Please, tell me!” Twilight Sparkle insisted, continuing to pester Josh while the stallion recovered from his latest interesting experience. “It wasn’t normal what you went through, and I was very scared. Even if you hate me, I don’t want anything to happen to you. Do you have some kind of disease or illness I should know about? Did you go play with some more poison joke? Did you eat something for breakfast that you shouldn’t have? Tell me, Josh!”
“Jesus, Twilight, calm down!” Josh snapped, putting one of his hooves onto the unicorn’s mouth and gently pushing her away, “You talk more than a mockingbird on cocaine! For the last time, it was nothing but a bad dream. The most logical thing I can think of is that I was concentrating too hard on your stupid magic lesson and it lulled me into a deep slumber, where I had a freakish nightmare. It was nothing to worry about, I assure you.”
Twilight narrowed her eyes at Josh, giving him the ‘stern mother’ look that parents gave their children when they were caught in a lie. “Josh…you weren’t breathing. Your body was numb and cold. You even looked…dead…a few times. You were shaking and trembling, despite the fact that you weren’t breathing, which technically doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. You also got a bruise on your nose right out of the blue, not to mention your entire body was sweating profusely. You cannot lie to me; I may not be Applejack, but I know when you’re lying. That was no normal ‘nightmare’, and you know it.”
Josh grumbled to himself, hesitating slightly before deciding what to say net. He hated to admit it, but Twilight was intelligent. In fact, most of the ponies he’d encounter so far were intelligent. For the first time, Josh was beginning to see that, through their girly appearances and their irritating personalities, these ponies were a lot like humans. They each could think and process information, and when it actually mattered, they almost seemed to be more intelligent than human beings. The more Josh stared at the serious pony in front of him, the more he began to understand Equestria.
“Look, Princess, maybe my ‘nightmare’ wasn’t all that normal, but sharing it with you isn’t gonna help matters,” Josh finally stated, staying calm and trying to get Twilight off his case, “I’ll just tell you what I tell everyone back on my world: don’t worry about me. I hate having others worry about me, because it’s not their problem, and I’M not their problem. I don’t like involving others with my life, okay? So, do me a favor and just back off, dark magician girl.”
For possibly the first time, Twilight didn’t even flinch at Josh’s snippiness. She allowed him to finish his speech before pushing her face right into his, still giving him that stern, motherly look. “Josh, tell me what happened. Now.”
His eyes widening and an uncomfortable chill tingling down his spine, Josh tried to back away from Twilight, but it was almost like a four-year-old facing down a pro boxer and trying to back off. His body wanted to move away and just leave Twilight; after all, what could she honestly do to him? Nothing! She couldn’t actually force him to share his nightmare and his unusual out-of-body experience. Why couldn’t he just turn away from Twilight and leave? Was it because she was so persistent and so direct? Was it because she was acting scary? Was it because…she was showing a deep concern that Josh hadn’t known since being with his mother?
Gritting his teeth, Josh finally caved in. “GOD, YOU’RE AN ANNOYING PEST! FINE, I’LL TELL YOU, JUST BACK UP ALREADY!” Pleased with getting what she wanted, and knowing that it was for the best, Twilight gave Josh a warm smile and did as he asked. She took a few steps back and sat back down upon her cushion, but kept her eyes locked on the stallion, anxiously awaiting his story.
Grumbling a little, Josh sat back on his haunches, struggling to face the observant purple unicorn. He couldn’t believe he had been coerced into sharing what had happened to him. But, he found it almost impossible to back away from a very persistent and stubborn female who was staring right into his face. Even though he feared males more than he did females, due to being physically abused by them his entire life, Josh admitted on several occasions in his life that females were by far scarier when they wanted to be. Even though he hadn’t been physically struck in this case, Twilight was pretty scary.
Coughing to clear his throat and purposely trying to stall for time, Josh hesitantly began explaining to Twilight Sparkle everything that had taken place from the moment she began coaxing him into using his “inner magic” to the instant he opened his eyes again and found himself lying on the floor. Twilight tried to keep her expression stoic and calm during the entire story, but she couldn’t help but widen her eyes in shock and even minor terror at the descriptions that Josh was painting for her. Plus, since Josh was very good at using expressional storytelling, his story sounded that much more horrifying the longer it went on. Since he was getting it all off his chest, he added in that the same thing happened at Applejack’s last night.
How can what he’s telling me be true? Twilight pondered, her mind spinning with almost a million different possible explanations to what she was hearing, It doesn’t sound anymore like than a normal nightmare…well, not a NORMAL nightmare by any stretch. But, what else could that possibly have been? What Josh is describing has all the makings of a nightmare, but…I saw the convulsions his body was giving. I saw him stop breathing. I saw him start to sweat. I’ve never known a nightmare that could do THAT to a pony. Maybe this is another effect of the poison joke? Perhaps this is a side effect of him being a pony after having been a human his whole life? Hmm…this is baffling, to say the least.
“Uh, hello? Earth…or whatever the hell the name of this place is again…to Twilight?” Josh frowned and stamped his hooves on the ground, muttering about the annoyance of not being able to snap his vanished fingers.
Fluttering her eyes in surprise, Twilight violently shook her head to clear her daydreams and gave Josh a weak smile. “Oh…sorry, Josh. I listened to every word you said, don’t worry. I was just pondering what you’ve could’ve experienced.”
“Well, I’m SO curious, Pony Einstein. Why don’t you explain to me your thoughts, hmm?”
“Uh…who’s Einstein?”
“Just continue, please, before I start pummeling you with books for continuing to aggravate me.”
“Ugh, Josh, you…okay, fine.” Twilight cleared her throat, then began to relay some of her thoughts to the annoyed stallion. “First, I believe that the poison joke from yesterday could be giving you these lucid nightmares or whatever they are. If not, perhaps it’s because you were once a human and now you’re a pony; the shift in bodies could be influencing your thoughts while you’re asleep or when you’re locked into a deep trance.”
“Damn, are you telling me that that stupid blue flower is messing with my head AGAIN?” Josh snarled, “You’ve GOT to be kidding me! What the hell kind of world is this where flowers keep screwing with you and ponies don’t know how to leave you alone?”
“I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that. Now, there’s no proof of my hypotheses’ being correct just yet, so I might need to run some tests on you.” Twilight gave Josh a weak grin, preparing for what she knew was gonna come when she asked her next question. “Josh, would it be alright if I…hooked you up to my machine that I have in the basement and use it to scan your biological signature and your brain while attempting to see just what type of body you have?”
Josh stared at Twilight Sparkle as though she were holding a gun to his face. He had to rack his mind three times to fully comprehend what this pony had just asked him. Was she basically telling him that she wanted him to be her guinea pig? Immediately, the former human began to slowly ease himself towards the door, all while keeping his eyes locked on the grinning pony in front of him. He suddenly felt very, very scared, and the only thing on his mind was getting far, far away from this crazy bookworm.
Sensing what Josh was doing, Twilight tried to explain to Josh her reasoning behind wanting to hook him up to a machine, among the other curious thoughts she had given. “Josh, wait, don’t go! It’s not what you think! All I want to do is…”
“Oh my God! Twilight, someone is stealing one of your books!” Josh interrupted, gasping and pointing a hoof behind Twilight’s back.
Instantly, Twilight whipped her head around, her eyes blazing and her horn immediately igniting. “Who is it? Put down that book at once!” All she saw was an empty library, and when she heard a slamming door behind her back a second later, she hung her head and slapped her forehead with a hoof. “Okay, I REALLY should’ve seen that coming. I’m glad Dash wasn’t here to see that.”
Outside the library, Josh was already galloping away as fast as he knew how with his clumsy hooves. Knowing how these ponies acted, he wanted absolutely nothing to do with Twilight’s “studies”. For all he knew, she could try to affect his brain to like only butterflies and rainbows and hugs and kisses and all that other junk that this world had been trying to make him like. Josh wasn’t about to fall victim to a crazy pony’s desires. Deep down, he didn’t really think that Twilight would’ve done anything malicious to him if he had agreed to let her study him with her unknown equipment, but he didn’t really want to take that chance. The thought of him becoming a happy, giggly, playful pony who loved and tolerated everything made him shiver and want to throw up.
If she follows me, I’ll simply scream out that she loves Rainbow Dash again; that should give me enough time to escape once more, Josh thought, casting a quick glance behind his back to make sure Twilight wasn’t following him, And if she CONTINUED to follow me, I could keep saying the same things. These lesbian ponies are so in denial of their feelings for each other, so it’s easy to get under their skin with the simplest of insults. You know, seeing Applejack with that prissy white unicorn would be very funny and…OUCH!
Thanks to his daydreaming, Josh failed to really watch where he was going. Wanting nothing more than to just get away from Twilight, the stallion had blindly charged along the streets of Ponyville without any direct course or designated stop in mind. So, when he smashed face-first into the side of a familiar and luxurious building, his loud cursing was to be expected. When he fell back onto his rump and once again hurt his face from running into the building, the stallion groaned when the colors of the place brought back memories of the tour from yesterday. He had a good memory, so he knew what this place was and who was going to be inside. Sure enough, thanks to the loud banging of his hard head against the side of the building, the front door to Carousel Boutique soon burst open and the same white unicorn that Josh had been thinking about pairing with Applejack raced out.
“Oh dear, whatever was that horrible crashing sound? It shook my entire home!” Rarity wailed, looking both angry and concerned at the same time, “What callous, thoughtless, rude pony dared hit the side of my beautiful and exquisite boutique? Come out and show yourself, right now!” She scanned the area, and after taking a step to the left, she saw the dazed Josh and instantly rolled her eyes. “Ah…yes, I really should’ve been expecting this. Hello, Josh. How are you this fine morning?”
Goody, it’s the SUB…the stuck-up bit…well, I won’t use the last word, but…yeah, it’s her, Josh thought grimly, already developing another migraine to go with the splitting headache he had just gotten from running stupidly into the boutique, Well, she can’t be any worse than Twilight. Since I have nothing else to do, and since driving ponies crazy is so very fun, I may as well humor this brat.
“Josh, it is quite rude to not speak back when spoken to, especially to a lady. I will ask you again. How are you this fine morning?” Rarity narrowed her eyes slightly as the stallion slowly staggered to his hooves and shook his head violently to clear his dizzies.
“Ugh…do you not even care that I crashed into the side of this stupid building?” Josh snapped, frowning at Rarity, “I could’ve seriously been injured. I could’ve broken my neck!”
Gasping, Rarity instantly ran over and began examining the boutique. “You crashed into my building? Oh no, oh no, oh no! Did you put a dent in it? Did you break anything? You clumsy oaf! Do you not even watch where you run?” When the unicorn found a slight dent in her home, she screamed and looked like she was about to faint. “Oh no, this is simply HORRIBLE! Look at what you’ve done! Do you know how long it’ll take to get this dent out?”
“How about if I put one in your head instead? Then perhaps you’ll forget all about the freaking one-inch dent I accidentally put on your stupid home.”
“Oh, the money I’ll have to pay to have this polished and fixed! Oh, the hours that’ll have to be taken to make sure it looks just the same as ever! I must make sure my boutique looks the exact same in every nook and cranny, or else the balance will be all off and I will be ruined! Josh, you are paying for this!”
“And how do you expect me to do that? For one, I’ve been here only a day, and I don’t even know what type of currency you idiotic horses use. For two, you’d have to gag and beat me, because the day I pay for something that doesn’t belong to me is the day I ask Applejack to be my girlfriend.”
“Now you listen to me, you arrogant, self-centered, lowbrow, rude, hateful, spiteful, deceitful…wait, what was that about Applejack?”
“It was just an example, you idiot.”
“Thank heavens. No offense to Applejack, but you two being in a relationship would do more harm than good, and I would fear for the wellbeing of the town and my friends…and maybe even you.”
“Gee, thanks. It feels so freaking good to get a compliment shrouded by an insult.”
Narrowing her eyes, Rarity halted the back-and-forth between herself and the sarcastic stallion. She slowly stepped away from the near-invisible dent in her home and stalked towards the former human. “Our little chat has been most…delightful…but I fear that I have lost my patience for it. Josh, I think it’s time you and I had a more…personal…heart-to-heart about how to respect ladies and how to pay for what you’ve broken.”
“Oh, crap, not again…” Josh groaned, quickly starting to scoot away from the narrow-eyed, stalking white unicorn easing herself towards him, “First I have to deal with a hotheaded, smelly farmer. Then, I get the crap beaten out of me by a retarded walleyed pony while in the presence of a lesbian with a cliché rainbow mane. Next, I have to deal with an insane, lecturing bookworm. Now, I have to suffer through dealing with a bossy, psychotic, moneygrubbing bit…female dog!”
“WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!?!” Rarity snarled, her eyes almost looking like they had ignited with flames at Josh’s insulting descriptions of her and her friends, “OOH, THAT IS IT, JOSH! PREPARE TO MEET YOUR BEAUTIFUL MAKER!”
“Hey, Rarity, I finished threading that needle that you needed!”
Rarity paused before attempting her death-lunge at the horrified Josh. Glancing behind her back, her demonic expression and body posture quickly dropped to her usual graceful pose instead. Seeing Spike walk out of the boutique and stare over at the two ponies with widened eyes, Rarity quickly regained control of the situation. At least for the moment. “Thank you, darling. It’s so much easier having you thread my needles for me, with your strong, careful hands. I don’t know what I’d do without you, Spikey.”
“Aww, shucks…anything for you, Rarity.” Spike blushed, giving Rarity a shy smile as he kicked at the ground and hid his hands behind his back.
“As you can tell, our new…friend…has stopped by for a visit. I was just tending to him right now. If you would be so kind, Spike, could you sweep up the mess that Sweetie Belle made in her room a few days ago? I haven’t had the time to clean it up, seeing as how our new…friend…has taken up a lot of my time since he arrived.” She gave Josh a very forced, angry smile, which was enough to nearly freeze Josh solid in a block of ice.
“Of course, Rarity! I’ll get right to that!” Spike gave a salute, and after casting Josh a little glare of his own, he hurried back inside of the boutique. Being a male, a part of Josh had really hoped that Spike would’ve stayed; at least he would’ve had some company in the presence of the psycho pony in front of him. Sure enough, as soon as Spike had vanished, Rarity’s sweet and graceful disposition was instantly replaced with her enraged one. She went back to stalking Josh, darling him to run away.
“Sheez, are all you ponies mentally unbalanced around here?!?!” Josh kept backing away, now wishing he had stayed behind with Twilight to actually learn some magic. He also had once again forgotten about his wings, which remained frozen in place at his sides as he scooted away from the white unicorn bearing down on him.
After constant stalking by Rarity and quick back-stepping by Josh, the stallion soon found himself backed into a tree. Knowing he was trapped, Josh cursed loudly at how cliché this was, but like it or not, without magic and without the use of his wings, he was left facing down the smirking Rarity. He REALLY didn’t wish to be beaten up yet again. After having already had his butt handed to him by a Pegasus and an earth pony, he didn’t want the trifecta with a unicorn.
Dammit, what do I do about this? I can’t just apologize and grovel for mercy…that’s not my style, and it’s downright insulting! Josh’s thoughts quickly raced through his head as he tried to come up with a quick way out of this deadly situation. I can’t use any magic…dammit, I should’ve stuck around and tried again with that stupid bookworm. These stupid wings are useless; they won’t even open up! As much as I wish I could sometimes, I refuse to physically strike a female; it’s wrong and downright evil. Ugh, HOW do I get out of this?
“Thinking about what a jerk you’ve been?” Rarity whispered, shoving her face into Josh’s as the pony had reached the trapped stallion’s position during his thought process, “Good, but until I hear an apology, I’m afraid that I’m gonna have to show you a thing or two about manners around ladies.”
“Oh, for the love of God, SHUT UP!” Josh roared, opening his mouth without even thinking, “Just because you’re a female doesn’t mean I have to show you respect if you don’t show it to me, too!”
Rarity gave Josh an exasperated smile, but it just screamed sarcasm before she even began talking again. “Ha…Josh, you ran into my home and left a dent in it, then proceeded to once more insult me and my friends right to my face. Instead of apologizing, you just add more salt to the wound. So, you expect me to show respect to you after that? Are you delusional or just stupid?”
Josh’s eyes widened until his eyelids nearly popped right out of his head. No one had ever dared called him stupid…at least not to his face. Having this white, fashion pony directly call him stupid was almost more than he could take. However, something about Rarity’s bluntness made him stop before he opened his mouth again, and the more he looked into Rarity’s angry blue eyes, the more he thought about what she had said to him. Since the mare wasn’t hurting him at the moment, Josh glanced to the side and had another thought process.
I…I guess she…kinda has a point. I mean, I DID kinda run…blindly…into her home. Ugh, but that dent wasn’t even big enough to fit your nose into! She’s just making a mountain of a molehill! Josh frowned to himself, but then grit his teeth and clenched his eyes shut. Her friends ARE idiotic and my descriptions of them fit them to a tee, not to mention my description of HER, too. It’s not my fault that I speak the truth. Isn’t Applejack the spirit of honesty or something like that? Surely they put up with HER honesty, right? The more Josh tried to deny and justify his actions, the angrier he felt. This is so stupid…I’d rather take another beating from a female than have to admit I was wrong.
“Hmm?” Rarity raised an eyebrow as Josh turned back around and reopened his eyes, as though she had been hopefully anticipating this. “Something you want to tell me, Josh?”
Josh stared hard and long into Rarity’s eyes, their faces a few inches apart. Expecting Josh to say what she was hoping to hear, Rarity kept her smug smile locked onto her face as she stayed pressed up against the stallion. The dark blue irises that stared back at him were so mesmerizing and powerful. Josh’s emerald eyes gazed down Rarity’s body as he observed her up close and personal for one of the few times that he had actually cared to do so. He had to admit that she was one of the most beautiful creatures he had ever seen, human or animal alike.
She’s a stuck-up you-know-what, but…man, she’s HOT! Josh mused to himself, It’s no wonder that dorky little dragon likes her so much. Her coat is so elegant and regal…I bet it’s really soft, just like a marshmallow or a pillow. Those tattoos on her butt…cutie marks…are very dazzling and bring out her eyes. Speaking of her eyes, they’re so glamorous and stunning; it’s like staring into a beautiful abyss. Her mane and tail…somehow, I think they’d look better down than up, but…they’re still very pretty. She’s so clean, she speaks in a royal voice…man, she’s like a queen!
“Josh…my eyes are up here.” Rarity frowned, clopping her hooves on the ground and snapping Josh out of his trance as she pointed up at her face. “Now, did you or did you not have something to say to me?”
After lifting his eyes away from Rarity’s hooves and mentally bleaching his mind for ogling nothing more than a talking horse, Josh quickly looked back up the stern Prima Donna’s face. This was the moment; he didn’t have any more time to stall. She wanted to hear a sincere apology, or he would obviously be getting another beating and he would get the trifecta of pony beatings via a Pegasus, a unicorn, and an earth pony. Slowly, Josh cleared his throat, then gave a curt nod. “Yeah, I have something to say to you.”
“And…that would be…?”
“You…have a big…butt.”
From inside the boutique, Spike was humming to himself as he cleaned up the messy bedroom of Rarity’s younger sister, the window open to let some fresh air in. However, as an incredibly loud ruckus began blaring from outside, the dragon winced and instantly held his clawed hands to his ears to drown out the painful noise. It sounded like a combination of irate screaming, mashing, crunching, pounding, and slamming. However, since Rarity had given him a job to do, Spike didn’t bother to investigate. He simply went and quickly shut the window.
“Huh…thought I heard a scream of pain…eh, it’s probably just Pinkie playing with Fluttershy’s animals again,” Spike chuckled, twirling his broom in his hands, “Well, whatever. This room isn’t gonna clean itself. Back to work!” The giddy little dragon went right back to work a moment later, never noticing the bushes, tree branches, and other random things being thrown into the air from the brutal slaughter that was going on right outside the window. He had a pony to please, after all.
Fifteen minutes later, which felt like an eternity to Josh, the stallion found himself dragged inside Rarity’s boutique by none other than the building’s primary resident herself. He really should’ve been used to having his posterior kicked by now, but it didn’t make it any less painful; Josh was beginning to learn that these ponies were just as strong and stubborn as the horses back home, not to mention much more hot-tempered. What was shocking was that he felt almost more pain that he did when Applejack and Derpy had kicked his behind, despite his assumption that unicorns weren’t physically strong. Rarity defied that logic with the sound punishment she issued for the long, horrendous time Josh had spent outside the building.
After beating Josh’s brains out for insulting her butt, Rarity dragged the former human inside the boutique to not draw any more attention to herself than necessary. As soon as she closed the door, Rarity proceeded to unload on the stallion for another ten minutes in a verbal tirade on how rude he was and how her butt was not big and how he needed to get his act together or else she would see to it that Twilight wrote a letter to the princess about his behavior. There was also a few minutes of whining dedicated to the dent in her building that she was still determined to make Josh pay for.
Does…she…ever…shut…up? Josh had moaned inside of his head, forced to listen to the entire rant, since his body felt ready to crumble into dust from its recent demolishment at the hooves of the unicorn, This…is…freaking…torture. I would…almost rather…be water-boarded…or stretched on a rack…than have to suffer…through this nonsense…ugh, this freaking sucks.
“…and furthermore, Joshua, you are not leaving until we come to an arrangement about the damage you have inflicted on my home, not to mention my feelings!” Rarity concluded, pacing back and forth in front of the stallion, continuing to shoot him dirty looks the entire time, “The sheer lack of respect and kindness that you displayed to me were very unacceptable, not to mention you forced my hoof and you made me all sweaty due to that!”
“I…didn’t tell you…to beat my ass…you stupid broad,” Josh growled, letting out a low moan when his hurting jaw sent a sharp pain to his head when he spoke. Rarity had a nasty bucking that she must’ve learned from Applejack, or from previous relationships that didn’t go so well.
“I’d watch my tone if I were you, Josh,” Rarity warned, narrowing her eyes in disgust at hearing Josh’s recent insult, “Even though I REALLY need a shower to get this awful sweat out of my coat and get my mane back to what it should be, I don’t mind teaching another lesson on how you’re supposed to treat ladies. I let a certain prince off rather easy, but you won’t be so lucky a second time.”
“Goody…you weren’t even being serious…when you nearly killed me…” Josh continued to moan and writhe in pain, his usually quick-healing body working feverishly to get him back onto his hooves. “Please, by all means…have another go…you might succeed in your murder plans…this time around.”
Rarity let out a little giggle as she gave Josh a mock pat on the head. “Oh, please. I wouldn’t do something as crass as murder you, Joshua; that is beneath me. All I’m saying is that a little punishment can go a long way in teaching a valuable lesson that simply cannot be given in any other way. We tried talking to you, being nice to you, being mean to you, and everything else. What will it take to finally make you stop being such an obnoxious twit?”
Josh paused and put on an expression that made it look like he was thinking about it, before he mockingly smiled up at Rarity. “All of you ponies…tying yourselves up…with sticks of lit dynamite…would be a very good start…to improve my happiness. Oh, and I do really love cliffs…so going and jumping off a few…would do wonders for my ego, too.”
Rarity gave an exasperated sigh before her horn began to glow. “Why I simply do not ask Twilight to send you to the princess so that she might banish you to the moon, I don’t know. But, while you’re here, you’re gonna work off what you did to my home, not to mention work on approving that attitude of yours. Come with me, Joshua.”
Against his will, Josh suddenly found his tattered and bruised body gently being levitated off the floor, his limp form surrounded by a bluish-white light. Giving a little hum of nonchalance, Rarity slowly began trotting into one of her other rooms, her horn staying alit with its magical aura as she carried the annoyed Josh along through the air. For Josh, the feeling was very new and unnerving, and it made him feel very vulnerable. But, combined with his pained body and the powerful magic holding him up, he found that he couldn’t move an inch and was forced to accept being pony-handled so easily.
Stupid pony…stupid magical unicorn pony…once I get back home, I’m gonna rip up every picture I ever see of a unicorn! Josh thought to himself, letting out a weak yelp as his head struck the frame of the doorway that Rarity was carrying him through.
“Whoops! My apologies, Josh; that was a pure accident,” Rarity said sweetly, giving a smile that made Josh instantly see that it was no accident.
While thinking violent thoughts on what a pony punching bag would look like, Josh’s emerald eyes scanned the room that he had been brought into. He noticed wooden pony mannequins organized in various corners of the room, along with dozens of clothes racks aligned with garments, dresses, hats, and random other clothing for females that Josh couldn’t place. There was a sofa, a dresser, a large mirror, a sewing machine, and piles upon piles of lace, denim, fabric, and every other clothing material that Josh had ever heard of stacked up wherever there was room.
Dear God, if you’re somehow hearing me, even though this is not your world…please, by your mercy, I pray that you don’t have her play dress-up with me, Josh thought, his throat tightening in fear as he heard Rarity shut the door behind them and click the lock in place. He didn’t like where this was going. In fact, he had had nightmares about this kind of thing happening to him and they usually resulted in him waking up and screaming in fear.
“Josh, I’ve been working on a new line of dresses that I am dying to test out before I try and patent them,” Rarity purred, gently dropping Josh onto the floor after the aura surrounding his body dissipated, “Using my wooden dummies are alright, but I would SO much rather try them on a REAL pony. Do you see where I’m going with this?”
“Er…can’t you just let that stupid dragon get on all fours and try your dresses out?” Josh gulped, the lump getting stuck in his throat as he saw the evil glint in Rarity’s gleeful eyes.
“Ooh, sorry, Joshua, but I’m afraid that Spike is not a pony.” The white unicorn giggled as she slowly stalked towards Josh once more, akin to the scene that had taken place outside not too long ago. “Now, be a good stallion and make Rarity happy, hmm? You don’t want to see Rarity mad, do you?” When dealing with Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight Sparkle, Josh hadn’t been very scared of them, at least not literally. However, there was something about Rarity that was enough to scare Josh witless whenever she talked to him or began stalking him. He couldn’t refuse her.
“No…I don’t wish to see you mad again…creepy pony who has suddenly begun speaking in the third person,” Josh gulped, finding his four legs to be frozen as Rarity trotted right up to him a second later.
“Good! Now then, if you’d be so kind as to stand up straight, we can get started!” Rarity giggled again as she began to levitate nearly half a dozen dresses over while Josh weakly tried to stand up, despite his hurting body. “Now, I am going to have you try on each and every one of my new dresses, and you will pose in whatever way I desire for as LONG as I desire. Whenever you’re ready to complain or quit, I’ll remind you of the damage you caused to my home and the horrible insults you verbally assaulted me with. So, are there any questions before we get started?” She smiled and gave Josh a little tilt of the head, as though trying to be cute.
“Yeah…I think the saying that you can’t live with girls and you can’t live without them is seriously messed up,” Josh sighed, “I personally think females are evil monsters hidden inside beautiful bodies that are meant to lure others in to their web of horrors and lies before they devour our heads and drink our blood. Kinda like…uh…what’s the plural for succubus? Um…succubae or something?”
“Josh, please just shut up right now before you dig yourself into an even deeper hole.”
“Yes, you psychotic pony who I’m seriously questioning why fate stuck me with for this moment.”
For the next hour, Josh was put through intense mental and emotional pain that he never thought he’d ever have to suffer. Rarity made sure to bring out a large mirror that was as big as a sofa so that Josh could view himself with each and every dress Rarity forced him to wear and pose with. The fact that Rarity purposely prolonged Josh switching up his poses and changing dresses as she idly strolled around him and made slow and silent comments only added to the humiliation. Josh’s eyes seemed to be frozen as he was locked onto the mirror with each and every outfit he was forced to wear, despite the fact that he wanted to just clench his eyes shut and think about a happy place. The minutes couldn’t pass fast enough for the mortified former human.
Oh dear lord…why are you doing this to me? Josh’s mind wailed, his body shivering as though a cold wind was constantly blowing through his skeletal system, What did I do to deserve your spite? You didn’t create these ponies! At least, I don’t think you did. All you did was create planet Earth…right? Ugh, I don’t even know anymore. But, why do I deserve such horrendous abuse? Why did my life have to be like this? Why am I life’s scapegoat? Every day is another stupid time full of pain and misery, and this is no different. Oh God, not the red dress…please, not the red dress…I HATE THE COLOR RED!
“Okay, darling, let’s try this beautiful scarlet dress on next, shall we?” Rarity said, smiling as she levitated Josh’s current yellow outfit off and proceeded to manipulate the dress that Josh had thought was red towards him instead, “You have been doing such a wonderful job so far! Your body is actually quite skinny and feminine, which makes for a vast improvement over my lifeless pony dummies.”
“I suppose I should take being called a girl a compliment,” Josh growled, giving Rarity a dark expression as the scarlet outfit was fitted onto his body, “And I HATE the color red! Aren’t you done making a fool out of me yet? It’s been almost an hour!”
“I’ve actually been enjoying it!” Spike laughed, sitting nearby as he dug his claw into a bucket of popcorn, “Keep going, Rarity! I think you may have found the perfect LIVE pony dummy!”
“…how long have you been sitting there, dragon boy?” Josh asked, turning his attention away from his newest dress as he glared at the seated dragon.
“Oh, I snuck in roughly about halfway through your first dress being worn and admired by Rarity.”
“…I wonder if this horn on my head would make for a good machete.”
“Hush!” Rarity scolded, giving Josh a stern look as she began strolling around his body for the umpteenth time, “Spike, as fun as this is, could you please leave the room? This is rather…a private showing that I’d rather do with only Josh. Did you finish cleaning up Sweetie Belle’s room? Josh, lift your left hind leg and your right foreleg, please, and turn your head to the left.”
“Of course I finished, Rarity,” Spike chuckled, giving a little pout when he noticed his bucket of popcorn was empty, “Aw, nuts…I even ate all the little raisin jewels I slipped in! Guess I was really hungry.”
Frowning to herself as Rarity manipulated Josh’s raised hind leg, the fashion pony continued to try and see something special in the scarlet outfit she had forced onto the angry stallion. “Uh-huh, yes…well, I think I am going to need a few emeralds for this dress, which I am all out of. Spike, could you please head out and dig some up for me?”
Instantly, Spike leaped up from his seated position and tossed his bucket into the nearby trashcan. “With bells on my feet, my dear Rarity! I’ll be back in a jiffy!” Giving a little salute to the white unicorn, the dragon quickly strutted out of the room and slammed the door behind his back, finally leaving the two ponies alone. Josh couldn’t help but give an audible sigh of relief.
“I guess you aren’t so merciless after all,” he muttered, glancing sideways at the white mare as she circled him for the third time.
“I wanted to make you pay back for your insults and the damage you inflicted onto my home, darling,” Rarity said calmly, “Humiliating you and displaying you to others wouldn’t solve a thing. If I had known Spike was over there, I would’ve sent him away sooner. I apologize for making you feel worse than I’m sure you already do. Lean your head back and stand up as tall as you can, please.”
Grumbling a little bit, Josh grudgingly continued to follow Rarity’s demand. The outfit made his body itch, and every time he stole a glance at the mirror, he wanted to poke his eyes out. However, hearing that Rarity honestly wasn’t trying to humiliate him in front of others made him feel slightly better. He still didn’t like her and he wanted nothing more than to brutally punish her in whatever non-physical way he could, but her rare, selfless words had sparked a rather curious emotion inside of Josh’s heart. Deciding to throw caution to the wind, he attempted to finally pick up a proper conversation with the mare.
“So…Rarity…you’re one of the best dressmakers in town, huh?” Josh asked in a casual tone, trying to sound like he wasn’t too interested or he didn’t care too much.
Almost immediately, Rarity gave a warm smile and seemed to move a bit quicker around Josh’s body upon hearing his question. “Well, I don’t mean to brag, but I daresay I am. But, that doesn’t mean that I can ever get arrogant. I am always trying to improve myself and make sure the customer is always happy and satisfied with the product that they receive. Dressmaking is an art, darling. It’s my true passion that burns within my soul and drives me to become a successful pony in this world. I know that there is always going to be somepony better than me out there, but that just spurs me on to do even better! Sit down and stretch your forelegs out like a bird, please.”
Once again following Rarity’s orders, despite having his forelegs ache and his rump still slightly hurt from the kicking it took via Rarity’s own hooves, Josh sat down and tried to continue the conversation. He hated to talk, but at least Rarity was a lot more tolerable this way. “I see…well, that’s nice to hear. I don’t care much for clothes-making myself. Back on my world, as a human, I rarely even wore clothes, except when I left the house. Seriously, I just enjoyed wearing the same things all the time; they worked, so why mess with perfection?”
“Because sometimes experiencing and trying new things will open up the door to new and better wonders that you’d never think was possible, darling.” Rarity sat down and rubbed her chin, frowning and contemplating inner thoughts as she stitched together all the information she had gathered from Josh’s recent attire and poses. “Yes…yes, I think that’ll do. Okay, Joshua, let’s get this dress off you. I think you’ve earned yourself a break.”
“Finally, we are in agreement!”
Giving a light, good-natured chuckle, Rarity’s horn glowed and Josh found the dreaded scarlet dress elevated off his body, once more leaving him bare. Josh immediately began to shake himself off like a dog, trying to get the feelings of having had the unwanted dresses attached to his body out of his mind. Rarity giggled to herself as she watched the annoyed alicorn step off his platform and try to brush himself off. When he wasn’t being a jerk or a rude, egotistical bully, he was actually quite interesting. Plus, Rarity was interested in knowing if Josh wanted to try chatting with her a bit more.
“Let’s head to the kitchen and I’ll get you a cup of tea, Josh,” the unicorn said, trotting over towards the door, “Without the use of harsh words or barbaric actions, I’d like to actually talk with you without fear of having a volcano erupt.”
Man…she really DOES have a big butt! Josh blinked, his eyes watching Rarity’s hips sway idly back and forth as she walked, She has some serious curves on her…damn she’s hot. Easy to say, if she was a human, she’d be the…the…uh, who’s the most beautiful female human from my world? Um…you know what…I honestly don’t know! Well, whatever; Rarity would easily be a superstar with a body like hers. Plus, she has the haughty and arrogant attitude to boot.
“Josh? Aren’t you…coming?” Rarity paused, glancing back and narrowing her eyes when she found Josh’s dazed expression staring at a rather curious area. “May I ask…what you are looking at?”
“Uh…I was…watching…the floor and the door…make lines…with my mind…”
“Darling, that wasn’t even a proper sentence, nor did that make any sense. Were you ogling me?”
“WHAT?!?! HELL NO! YOU CRAZY, WOMAN!” Josh quickly slapped his face twice with his hooves, then awkwardly rushed after Rarity to join her at the door. Rarity just gave a little roll of her eyes before she pushed the door open. Before she left, however, she paused once more and gave Josh a suspicious look.
“You go first.”
“As much as I’d like that, I always allow ladies to go first.”
“That is very noble of you, but I’d feel better if you went first.”
“Why?”
“Just because.”
“Just because why?”
“Josh, go, before I get angry.”
“Sheez…why do all females have such short fuses?”
Not wanting Rarity to snap out of her good move and deliver another beating to his already-sore body, Josh finally allowed himself to be coaxed out of the room first. Rarity closed the door behind their back and directed Josh towards the kitchen, making sure to walk at his side instead of in front of him. Despite his confusion at why he was doing so, Josh couldn’t help but continue shooting glances at the pretty white mare trotting at his side. The way she moved her body was so elegant and regal, the very definition of a queen. Josh had never seen royalty from his home, but he was sure he was looking at the next closest thing…in pony form.
“Here is the kitchen, Joshua,” Rarity said upon arriving in the illustrious room with Josh at her side, “I’ll make us some of my special sweet tea. Do sit down and rest while I get to the fixings.”
“Uh, sure…whatever you say, Rarity.” Josh glanced at the kitchen table and picked out a good seat before awkwardly sitting down, feeling very unnerved about being seated in the pony’s home, let alone her own kitchen, after they had only known each over for around a day.
Josh sat quietly as he watched Rarity’s every move through the kitchen. He tried hard to not stare at her butt or her other beautiful features, but it was almost impossible. Josh was in no means a pervert; he had never once bothered looking at a single woman back on his home planet in such a light. However, the fact that these ponies wore no clothes and were actually quite beautiful to begin with, despite how childish they seemed, was almost too much to handle. The way that they spoke was also beginning to lead Josh into believing that, real or fake, maybe they weren’t so much different from his home as he had once thought.
“So…Rarity…is Spike your boyfriend?” Josh asked, giving a little smirk as he went on the offensive.
Nearly dropping the tiny cup she was levitating down from her cupboard, Rarity gave a slight gasp of embarrassment before whipping her head around and glaring at Josh. “Why do YOU wish to know that? Why do you care if he is or isn’t?”
“Well…I’m just curious. I mean, he’s always making googly eyes at you and wanting to wait on you hand and foot, not to mention willing to make himself look completely and utterly moronic to the point of me wanting to puke my guts out, all for the sake of pleasing you. So, I was just curious if you two were actually a couple.”
Rarity gave Josh a hard look, trying to see if he had any ulterior motive behind his question. Satisfied that Josh wasn’t trying to mock her or insult her again, Rarity calmly placed two tiny glass cups on two equally-small plates and shook her head. “No. Spike and I…are just close friends.”
“Ah…but, can you picture him being your boyfriend?”
Releasing a sigh of frustration at Josh’s persistence, Rarity very nearly slammed her ceramic kettle onto the stove as she began to boil the water for the tea. “That is a very personal question! I’d rather not discuss my love life with somepony who is still technically a stranger to me. If you are just trying to make a foal out of me like you attempted to do with your talks of ‘Twilight and Rainbow Dash’ in the town square, I suggest you think again.”
“Good grief, chill out! I was just asking!” Josh snapped, crossing his forelegs across his chest in annoyance at Rarity’s anger, “I wasn’t trying to be mean…for once. I was just wondering, since…well, you’re a very…um…” Josh paused for a moment before recollecting his thoughts and making sure he knew what he wanted to say. “You…are a very beautiful, talented, and incredible girl. I’m surprised you don’t have a ton of males and suitors rushing in here constantly and trying to win your hand…ugh, HOOF in marriage. So, I just assumed that you were holding out for having Spike one day pop the question.”
Rarity sighed again as Josh finished explaining himself. It wasn’t a sigh of anger or irritation. It almost seemed like a sigh of pain and sadness. The white unicorn stood and watched the kettle on the stove for a long, long time, as though waiting for it to start steaming. The two ponies sat in silence for a long period of time, with Josh idly kicking his hind legs back and forth and wondering if he had said something wrong again, and Rarity staring blindly at the kettle of hot water with her eyes closed and her head hung almost in a depressed manner.
“I…fear that I may be blind when it comes to love,” Rarity whispered, finally breaking the silence as she spoke in a monotone voice, “You see, Josh…I’ll admit that I’m rather picky when it comes to…many certain things. I once had a deep crush on the princess’ royal nephew, Prince Blueblood, and I desired nothing more than to have him ask for my hoof in marriage. I pined for him. I longed for him. Then, one day, I got my wish…it was during the Grand Galloping Gala.”
“Catchy name…not to mention cliché and totally lame…but, please continue.”
“He was NOT the stallion of my dreams…he was a selfish, self-absorbed miscreant who only cared about himself. He treated me like some commoner. Like some ordinary piece of clothing that he could use for a little while before growing bored and tossing it out for the next in line.” Rarity’s eyes began to shimmer as tears started to arise in her irises. “I let him have it, but…my dreams were crushed. I still had my friends, of course…and Spike…but, do you know how painful it was to have one of my lifelong goals to be shattered right before my very eyes, darling? It was…horrible.”
“Been there, done that…well, not in the ways of romance, but…” Josh coughed and stopped himself before he put his hoof in his mouth again. “Never mind…please, do go on, Rarity.”
“Spike…yes, I know that he has a crush on me…and, I really DO care for him…just, not like that,” Rarity went on, now staring at the floor as the tears were continuing to take shape in her eyes, “I just cannot see myself with him in that manner…I just can’t. I love how he pampers me and treats me like a lady SHOULD be treated, but…my heart just doesn’t crave his like his does mine. I know, I’m a complete and utter foal, but…I cannot lie to my heart. The heart is the one part of your body that you cannot lie to.”
“But…why? I don’t much care for this mushy junk, since it’s just disgusting a waste of time, but…why can’t you feel that way about him?” Josh gave a frown of confusion. Love was always a touchy subject to him, and even though he THOUGHT he understood it, this just drove him right back into the realm of confusion. “I mean…if he loves you and treats you like a lady deserves to be treated, not to mention virtually doing everything in his power to make you happy…why can’t you love him? What else is love if it’s not that? What, is it because he’s a baby dragon and you’re a pony?”
A whistling sound began echoing through the room, signifying the water reaching boiling temperatures inside Rarity’s teapot. Wiping some of the tears dribbling down her cheeks, Rarity sniffed and quickly used her horn to carefully shut the stove off and levitate the pot of tea towards a large coaster. After setting the steaming pot of water down, Rarity levitated the saucers with teacups over onto the kitchen table as well, setting one set down in front of Josh and the other set down in front of the empty seat across from him. The unicorn then proceeded to scour through another cabinet for some packets of tea to mix in with the hot water.
Rarity finally spoke again after a long moment of silence where the only sound was the gurgling of the settling water inside the teapot. “Love is…complicated, Josh. Spike’s species has nothing to do with how I feel about him. The spark…just isn’t there. I don’t wish to sound callous or rude, but…if you have not longed for love or have had your heart sing out in joy for that special someone…I don’t think that you’d understand how the heart really works.”
I don’t understand how the heart REALLY works? How dare she say that! Josh thought, anger surging through his body as his usual scowl began to reenter his facial expressions, She knows next to NOTHING about what my heart has been through! Okay…maybe not in the ways of…romance. But, still, I TOTALLY understand how the heart works! How can I not? It’s simple to understand how to “long for love” and “have your heart sing out” for that special someone. It’s such a stupid cliché that I hear all the time in the movies. Despite what people say, life IS just like the movies. Humph, love…how pathetic. Love is for the weak-hearted and weak-minded.
A faint smile playing at the edges of Rarity’s lips, the unicorn gently walked over and sat down in the chair opposite Josh. Continuing to be the polite and generous host, Rarity poured both herself and Josh a cup of the hot water from the teapot before adding the tea to each cup. “Oh dear, I forgot the spoons to mix them…sorry, Josh. I fear that I’m feeling a little winded.”
“It’s probably the heat,” Josh suggested, glancing down at the steam rising from his cup of tea and from the teapot on the tabletop.
“Yes…the heat…of course,” Rarity whispered, her voice flighty as her heart was pounding into her throat. The conversation she had had with Josh had left her feeling weak and pained. Very slowly, she pointed her overworked horn towards one of the kitchen cabinets and the usual aura engulfed the unicorn feature. While Josh watched in silent fascination at how effortless magic was used in this world, and how he couldn’t do it just yet, Rarity levitated two small spoons over to the table and allowed Josh first pick over the silverware.
Tugging one of the spoons over to his cup with one of his hooves, Josh awkwardly dropped the piece of silverware into his cup and, after a moment of silent cursing, used his mouth to begin stirring the mixture of tea into the hot water. The two ponies sat in silence for another period of time, Rarity being the first to take a sip of her tea, using her magic to once again levitate the cup up to her mouth. Josh honestly still despised tea, as he told Zecora, but once again he didn’t want to act like a jerk inside of a lady’s home. When he tasted the tea himself, after very dauntingly using both hooves to lift up the cup, he had to admit that the special tea mixture Rarity used was perfect, and the hot water was searing.
Glancing across the table at Rarity, Josh muttered into his greenish-brown tea and tried to think of what to say next. He really just wanted to get out of there, since he had felt incredibly awkward the moment he stepped into Rarity’s home and boutique. However, being able to read emotions quite well, Josh could tell that Rarity had been deflated. A quick recount of the previous conversations led the stallion to realize that he had most likely somehow saddened the unicorn. Josh didn’t like seeing others sad. He enjoyed getting them angry and pissed off, but not sad. He figured he would try to fix this.
“Hey…Rarity…why so serious?”
“Um…what?”
“Never mind. Look, what’s eating you?” Josh casually set his cup down, licking his lips to clear any excess droplets of tea still lingering, while staring across the table at the dejected unicorn. “You seemed so full of life and vigor a moment ago, and now you’re acting all sad and stuff. I don’t like you ponies, but I suppose I should ask if something’s wrong with you…since it just seems like the right thing to do.”
Rarity raised an eyebrow. “And since when do you insist on doing the right thing?”
“Touché, Rarity, touché.”
Groaning a little bit, Rarity levitated her teacup down and shook her head. “It’s just…talking with you made me think about…stuff. You see, Josh…my parents are quite wealthy, and they never paid me the attention I craved as a filly. That’s why, at this age, I do whatever I can to make sure my friends are happy. I suppose this explains my element of generosity. But, all the same…I crave love, darling. Prince Blueblood was not the answer. Spike is sweet, but I just don’t feel that way about him. No, what I want is…for somepony sweet, understanding, and romantic to sweep me into his arms and let me know just how beautiful I am…on the inside, not the outside.”
So much for thinking she’d be good with Applejack, Josh smirked to himself.
“To feel soft, warm kisses pressed against my cheeks and my lips…to moan in bliss as my body gets caressed by loving hooves that desires no other pony but me…to have sweet nothings be whispered into my ear, while my ear perhaps gets a nibbling…to be treated like a lady and not a piece of rubbish…to know that there will always be my Prince Charming waiting for me in the shadows, to rush to my side whenever I might need him, and to show me the passion and love I lust for without a moment’s hesitation. Oh, it’s what I desire almost more than anything in the world.”
Rarity swooned and leaned back in her chair, the steam rising from her teacup blurring her vision as she daydreamed about the perfect stallion for herself. Josh knew that most boys would’ve probably “felt” something from Rarity’s steamy speech, but he didn’t feel anything other than uneasiness and slight guilt. A lot of what Rarity said made no sense to Josh; it sounded like a corny romantic movie or a stupid kiddy bedtime story. Romance was about as real as friendship, in Josh’s mind; both were fake and they would forever be fake. But, as he stared at the deep-breathing unicorn clutching her chest across from him, Josh felt the need to say something.
“Hey…uh…just don’t give up?” Josh attempted, leaning forward a little to try and get Rarity to look at him, “Look, Rarity, you’re…a beautiful girl. I still find you ponies to be pathetic and fake and just a figment of my imagination…but, all the same, you are very attractive. What boy…er, stallion…out there that wouldn’t want you is either gay, blind, stupid, or all three! In this creepy little world of yours, let me just say that…if you really desire this…romance…you should keep trying. They say that good things come to those who wait. Maybe your…eh-hem…’Prince Charming’ is closer than you expect?”
Rarity’s eyes fluttered open, her blue irises locking onto Josh’s emerald ones as she gave him a curious look. “Do you really think so, darling?”
No, not really…but, since I’m trying to make her stop being creepy, I need to SOUND like I know what I’m talking about. Josh cleared his throat, then continued talking to the mare. “Yes, really! Look, you would honestly be…a perfect girlfriend…or mare-friend, whatever. You are intelligent, you have a job and you’re very good at it, you’re clearly able to stand on your own two…um, four hooves…you have a body that’s to die for, your voice is like liquid honey, your eyes are like a gentle ocean waiting to drown its victim with love and affection, your mane is…”
Josh realized that he was leaning closer and closer to Rarity with each word that rolled off his tongue, to the point of him nearly crawling on top of the kitchen table. Rarity’s eyes grew wider and wider with each word that Josh rattled off, her white cheeks soon becoming fused with a dark pink. The unicorn’s eyes fluttered a few times as she leaned closer to Josh as well, silently begging for him to go on; not even Spike complimented her in such in-depth ways. Her heart was rocking so hard inside her chest that she feared it would burst with any passing moment.
Why is he saying such nice things to me? Is he mocking me? Rarity thought, leaning even closer to Josh’s face, Is this maybe another one of his rude tricks? He wouldn’t say such things to the likes of me, especially since he’s not even a real pony. Humph…I should give him a good slap for this…and yet, I can’t stop staring at him...and wishing for him to go on.
What the HELL are you doing, you idiot?!?! Stop seducing her! Josh’s mind screamed, trying to slap some sense into him, Yeah, she’s hot, but you heard her! She wants to be loved for what’s on the INSIDE, not outside! Besides, why in the world are you even THINKING such things? This is a FREAKING PONY, YOU WEIRDO! YOU…ARE…A HUMAN! There’s SO many things wrong with this that I can’t even think properly! You don’t know the meaning of the word “romance”, for one. For two, you’re still a human on the inside, so don’t even THINK about doing anything stupid! For three, you HATE these horses; you can’t love ANY of them for what’s on the inside, since you HATE them! Seriously, stop this right now. Hurry before it’s too late!
His mind screaming at him, Josh froze as he continued to lean across the table towards Rarity, and quickly blabbed the first thing that came into his head. “Rarity…you have a very…hot…butt.”
Nice…you did it again. Smooth. Real smooth. Nice way to let a lady down. It’s a good thing you never HAD a girlfriend back home…it would’ve been ugly, and she easily would’ve been charged with assault. Well, good luck with your next beating…can’t say you didn’t earn it.
“Ooh…I do, do I?” Rarity sniffed, her eyes narrowing into the same slits as before after hearing Josh’s words. However, while Josh was expecting another thrashing, which he honestly WANTED instead of continuing whatever he was doing…Rarity’s cheeks turned dark crimson and she shyly glanced to the side. “Well…I do go to the spa three times a week. Maybe you’d like to see my…posterior…up-close and personal?”
WHAT?!?! OH DEAR GOD, YOU DID IT NOW! YOU IDIOT! YOU JUST SEDUCED A PONY! RUN AWAY, NOW! RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!
As always, listening to his mind instead of his heart, Josh screamed in fear and took off running through Carousel Boutique. Crashing through the kitchen door, the frantic stallion never looked back. When he came upon the front door, he lowered his head and charged right through, accidentally bursting the hinges and breaking the door apart. Josh, however, didn’t even care at this point. He continued to charge away as fast as his four legs could take him. Behind him, Rarity soon appeared in the doorway of the boutique, looking sad as she watched the stallion race off.
“Josh, why do you run away?” she whispered, sadly glancing down at the ground as her mane drooped, “I thought you…no, it was stupid…I’ve only known him for a day…I’m just too weak at heart…” Rarity’s eyes began to shimmer again as she watched Josh racing off in the direction of Sugarcube Corner. “Yes, I’m much too weak…maybe I should just…stop. Maybe…love just isn’t for me.” The unicorn gently sat down in the doorway and hung her head, not caring about the busted door. It would be easy to fix the door. Fixing yet another broken heart would take a lot longer.
Josh had never run so hard before in his life. He had run from half a dozen bullies. He had run from an oncoming car when he had been stupidly playing basketball in the street. He had run from his mother. He had run from his father. But, he had never run like this before. He was scared senseless; completely and utterly confused about what just took place. His heart was beating like a jackhammer inside of his chest, pounding feverishly at its strings and feeling likely to burst at any moment. His body was sweating profusely and his mind was on the fritz as he tried to make sense of what had just happened.
Okay…uh…did I almost…no, that’s impossible…I don’t do that, Josh thought, short and pained breaths bursting out his mouth as his four legs awkwardly pounded the roads of Ponyville, That stupid white pony…she had to have used some kind of spell on me! She’s a unicorn, right? She totally did something to mess with my head! Of course…this is nothing more than some kind of stupid movie; a type of sissy dream! Naturally she used some kind of spell to…almost…seduce me. Yes, that’s what happened; she had tried to seduce me and I nearly fell for it. Gross. The day I let something like that happens is the day I become emperor of the world.
The stallion grinned nervously as he kept plowing straight ahead, wanting to get as far away from that boutique as possible. That situation had been so new and so strange, and he didn’t like it at all. At least, he didn’t think he liked it. The longer he had stayed with Rarity, the warmer his chest had become and it felt like his heart was morphing into a herd of butterflies anxious to spread through his entire body. But, his heart had only hurt him in the past; he would never listen to it. He would listen to his head, now and forevermore. His brain couldn’t be hurt by some trivial and nonsensical emotions that were just facets of a weak heart too stupid to know the ultimate truth. Josh’s head had allowed him to prosper through life and had allowed him to weather the pain of his many enemies. His heart had done nothing for him.
“OW! DAMMIT!” Josh screeched, his head slamming into yet another wall due to his lack of visibility. Once more staggering backwards and loudly cursing at how he had run into another building, the angry stallion’s thoughts of Rarity and the boutique vanished and were replaced with punching something to relieve his newfound anger at getting a new headache. When he eventually paused to glance up and see the newest building he had run into, he groaned when he observed the colorful design of what he remembered to be Sugarcube Corner.
Great…if I recall correctly, this is where that stupid Pinkie Pie lives, Josh thought, already wishing he had crashed into a jailhouse instead, Why does fate enjoy mocking me? This is bullcrap! Any minute now, that creepy pink horse is gonna come out here and start irritating me, I know it. Alright, bring it on; another notch on the ladder towards committing suicide can’t possibly hurt.
Sitting on the ground in front of Sugarcube Corner, Josh idly rubbed his aching forehead and waiting for Pinkie Pie to burst out and start talking his head off. Five minutes passed, and nothing happened. Almost two dozen ponies ended up passing Josh in the street, most of them whispering and casting weird looks at the alicorn, but nopony emerged from the treats shop. Growing impatient at not getting his usual scolding, Josh frowned and got back up onto his hooves.
“Well, if you’re not gonna come out here and yell at me and thus allow me to hate you even more…then I’ll just come in and initiate it!” he snapped, stomping towards Sugarcube Corner’s door and shoving it open. He was met with darkness.
Raising an eyebrow, Josh muttered to himself and wondered if the shop was closed or something. Since no one was stopping him, and he didn’t really know what else to do, the stallion cautiously stepped through the threshold and into the colorful building. Almost as soon as he did, a mouthwatering aroma met his nose and actually brought a faint smile to his face. Josh normally didn’t eat sweets, since he didn’t wish for his teeth to rot, but he recognized the sweet scents of cupcakes, muffins, bagels, bread, cake, and other bakery foods waffling through the confines of the dark building and stimulating his senses. Josh stepped further inside, and as he did, the smells grew stronger.
Mmm…I will admit that I always did love the smell of a bakery…or whatever the hell this place is, Josh thought, licking his lips as he imagined a beautiful white cake with purple frosting levitating in front of his eyes, Maybe I’ll commit a little crime and see what treats I can steal…it’s not like that stupid pink pony will mind. She…DOES run this place, right?
With thoughts of greed and thievery in his mind, Josh grinned and stepped a good few paces away from the doorway. His first thought was to try and find a light switch, or in the very least use what little light he had and memorize the dimly-illuminated areas of the building. However, since he was now around five feet away from the open Sugarcube Corner doorway, he wasn’t prepared for what happened next. Josh was suddenly thrown into complete darkness when the door unexpectedly slammed shut behind him, a soft click echoing out to indicate he had potentially been locked in. Josh no longer felt hungry.
Oh…crap. Josh began looking around fearfully, trying to adjust his eyes to the darkness, but the thought that somepony had intentionally slammed the door shut and locked him wasn’t sitting well with him. Was this a setup? As it stood, it seemed like he was alone in a dark building with another hidden pony, and that didn’t sit well with the former human. Okay…calm down, Josh…you don’t fear the dark anymore…you’ve grown past that. The dark can’t hurt you…what’s hiding INSIDE the darkness can hurt you, but the darkness itself can’t.
Josh’s first thought was to hurry back to the door and try to wrench it open, but when he attempted to do this, he found the door to indeed be locked tight. Since he couldn’t use magic, and his natural strength wasn’t enough to smash the door open, he was trapped. A lump slowly formed in Josh’s throat as he tried to remain calm. He silently scolded himself for being scared. This was just stupid ponies he was dealing with. There was nothing to be scared of. This was probably just some elaborate prank or something. The moment he caught the pony who was playing around with him, Josh knew he would initiate some hefty revenge. Perhaps a wet willy, or a spanking, or a good thrust over the side of a cliff, or having their entire body shaved bald…yes, Josh was prepared to punish whoever was responsible for this annoying little prank.
“SURPRISE!”
The lights burst on from overhead as the loud voice rang out to surprise Josh. In reply, Josh’s eyes burst out of his skull and a shriek that was abnormally more high-pitched than it should be rocketed out of his mouth. His heart screamed to be calmed from within in his clenching chest as he collapsed onto his back, blinded from the sudden lighting and shocking turn of events. The inside of the building was decorated with streamers, balloons, confetti, candy, kiddy games, and much more party favors. While he still attempted to catch his breath and pray that his heart attack was only minor, Josh soon found a certain pink pony happily perched upon his chest.
“HI THERE, JOSHY!” Pinkie Pie squealed, pushing her muzzle down right into Josh’s pale face, her tush wiggling back and forth in the air behind her. “My Pinkie Sense told me that you would soon be crashing into the side of Sugarcube Corner, so I thought, ‘oh, I should throw him a party, since I always throw the new pony a party when they first come to Ponyville’, and I quickly threw one together! For some odd reason, no other ponies really wanted to come…that I didn’t really have time to go and invite any…but, with Mr. and Mrs. Cake both visiting Canterlot to try and find a new baby crib, I thought I’d throw you a party right here at Sugarcube Corner! Were you surprised?”
It took Josh an extra few minutes to catch his breath; the added weight to his chest from the bouncy pink earth pony didn’t help matters. Pinkie Pie waited patiently on top of the stallion for an answer, so after the color that had been drained from his face began to leisurely return, Josh took a deep breath and calmed himself down. “Pinkie Pie…I hate you so much…and you’re due for another face-in-butt experience that’ll turn you into a baseball. You very nearly gave me a heart attack, you threw me a party against my wishes, and you’re invading my personal space. Do you want a slow or quick death?”
Pinkie giggled and playfully nuzzled Josh’s head, then bounced off his chest and grasped one of his hooves. “Aww, c’mon, don’t be such a Mister Grumpy-Pants! Everypony loves a party! Besides, it’s just the thing that’ll turn that frown upside-down!” She pulled the angry stallion to his hooves.
“Or, another option…it’s just the thing that’ll piss me off more than you could’ve imagined and will lead to me going on a murderous rampage throughout Ponyville which will result in you being the cause of all the ponies in this stupid world going extinct.”
“This is my pet alligator, Gummy!” Pinkie explained, pulling out a small alligator from behind a table, complete ignoring Josh’s death threats as he fully regained his composure, “He has no teeth, and he’s my cutie little pet! Say hi to Josh, Gummy!” She held the little green gator out to the stallion, who looked at the animal like it was some kind of monster.
“…why do you have a potentially-dangerous pet that looks both retarded and autistic, not to mention not having any teeth?” Josh frowned, wearily poking at the wide-eyed alligator that Pinkie was holding. Gummy made no movement whatsoever, and if it wasn’t for the fact that his chest was gently heaving in and out, Josh would’ve thought he was either dead or a stuffed animal.
“I really love him, and he really loves me!” Pinkie went on, once again either choosing to ignore Josh’s insults or simply being built so that she never heard anything overly negative and rude. “Do you think he’s cute, Joshy?” Before Josh could respond, he let out another shriek as Gummy unexpectedly leaped out of Pinkie’s hooves and opened his maw. As Josh fell onto his back for the second time, Gummy latched his toothless mouth onto the stallion’s horn and seemed to try and nibble. “Aww, he likes you!”
“GET THIS FREAKING THING OFF ME THIS INSTANT, YOU PSYCHOTIC PINK NIGHTMARE!” Josh screamed, shaking his head violently back and forth to try and throw the attached alligator off, but despite having no teeth, Gummy seemed firmly attached to his horn and wasn’t about to be thrown off. With each violent shake of Josh’s head, Gummy’s tiny body almost seemed to levitate in the air from the power of the thrusts, but he continued to hold on.
“Gummy must really like the taste of your horn, Joshy!” Pinkie gasped, eagerly bouncing around the frantic stallion as he continued to try and throw the gator off, “I don’t have a horn, so I wouldn’t know, but do horns taste like grapes? Or cherries? Or bananas? Or oatmeal? Ooh, perhaps cumquats? Or maybe pickles? I SOOOOO love pickles and cumquats! Did I ever mention how I enjoy saying them, too? Well, I enjoy saying pickle barrel more than just pickle by itself, but BOTH are really fun to say, don’t you think? Say, Joshy, wanna play some party games when you’re done playing with Gummy?”
“Dear God, please grant me the strength to not kill this pony and her creepy autistic pet gator,” Josh whispered, bowing down and awkwardly placing his front hooves together in a prayer, “Please give me the patience I need to not commit murder when I have a clean track record, and please stop me from harming an innocent yet stupid animal, since I usually like animals a lot…these irritating ponies aside. I will do whatever you command of me, my lord. Also, if you would be so kind as to get me back to planet Earth before I throw myself off a cliff to get away from these stupid horses, I would greatly appreciate it. In your name I pray, amen.”
“Ooh, this looks fun! Is this a type of meditation? Ooh, wait, is this a new way to contact Princess Celestia? Super-duper awesome! Let me try, let me try!” Pinkie grinned, mimicking Josh and sitting down in front of him. She stuck her tongue out and tried to copy his bowed head and his pressed hooves, then attempted to do a little prayer of her own.
“Dear Princess Celestia. Today, I threw my newest best friend Joshy a surprise party to make him feel more welcome here in Ponyville while you worked on a way to send him back to his own home. I’ll miss him when he goes, but he seems to be so very sad and full of pain, so I want to make his days here on Equestria as happy as possible! I know he doesn’t really like me or my friends, but I will do whatever it takes to make him smile and, if nothing else, like me just a LITTLE bit. Maybe if I let him crush me into a ball again, that’ll make him happy? Ooh, and while you’re at it, could you please check and see if you have any of my favorite purple sugar in the castle? Mr. and Mrs. Cake won’t buy anymore after the little ‘incident’ I had a few weeks ago…tee-hee. Have a great day, Princess! Your friend, Pinkie Pie!”
Slowly, Josh lifted his head and glared at Pinkie, who ironically lifted her head at exactly the same time to smile back at the angry stallion. At first, Josh was thinking of simply ripping Gummy off his horn and stuffing him into Pinkie’s mouth…or possibly up another certain orifice of her body…but, the malicious thought began to fade away as he began to fully comprehend exactly what Pinkie Pie had said in her little prayer. Since the pink pony wasn’t talking for once, it allowed Josh to gather his thoughts in his often-stressed brain yet again. He was starting to learn that thinking things through before performing violent actions might be the best course of action to avoid getting whipped by a female pony.
I’m her…new best friend? Is she even more mentally disturbed than I first thought? Josh thought, his face scrunching up in annoyance as he tried to comprehend Pinkie’s unusual words, She’ll actually MISS me when I leave? She WANTS me to be happy? What the hell is this girl’s problem? Has she completely forgotten what I did to her friends…and to HER? She has to be lying; just mocking my prayer, that’s all. This dingbat is no smarter than a rock…no, that’s giving her too much credit and insulting the rock. This stupid pink nuisance sitting across from me is no smarter than…uh…man, what can I think of that WON’T be insulted? Um…um…you know what? I’ll save that for later.
“You’re giving that look that Twilight usually gives when she’s thinking about something reaaaaaaaaly hard and complicated and confusing,” Pinkie commented, tilting her head to the side as she giggled at Josh’s frowning, “Tee-hee, it’s kinda cute, really. Aww, now you’re blushing! Pinkie made Joshy blush!”
“I AM NOT BLUSHING, YOU HALFWIT!” Josh screamed, feeling blood rush to his cheeks to add to his blush that he had sustained from Pinkie’s playful compliment, “AND I’M NOT CUTE! WHY DO YOU KEEP ACTING LIKE SUCH A FREAKING RETARD? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY MENTALLY INSANE? GET SOME HELP, GIRL! THIS ISN’T NORMAL!”
“Um…but, Joshy…this is how I always am,” Pinkie whispered, starting to shrink back a little bit at Josh’s harsh and loud words, “I’m just…trying to be nice and…”
“Well, stop it! You’re creeping me out and it’s not natural. You say things that don’t make any sense, you ramble on and on about random things that don’t make any sense, your smile doesn’t make any sense due to how big it is, your hair and tail don’t make any sense, your pet doesn’t make any sense…YOU DON’T MAKE ANY SENSE! GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU STUPID…STUPID…IDIOT!” Josh’s eyes flashed with anger as he ducked his head and shoved his horn towards the now-cowering Pinkie. “AND TAKE YOUR STUPID REPTILE BEFORE I CLEAN HIS CLOCK!”
“Gummy…doesn’t own a clock, Joshy…”
“JUST TAKE HIM BEFORE I TURN HIM INTO BOOTS!”
Since Josh was looking down at the floor, due to his bowed head, he failed to see Pinkie’s facial expression. There was a pause, and the seething stallion finally felt Gummy be gently removed from his horn. However, as soon as he did, he heard an odd popping sound, almost like a balloon having popped and had quickly begun deflating. Upon lifting his head, he was stunned to find that Pinkie Pie no longer looked like Pinkie Pie. Now, her mane and tail were both flat and limp, her rosy blue eyes were now misty blue, and her wide smile was now nothing more than a tiny spec on her face. She looked ready to go jump off the cliff that Josh was always talking about.
“Whoa…what the hell happened to YOU?” Josh asked, raising an eyebrow as he admired the ‘new’ Pinkie Pie, “You…actually look a lot better that way, to be honest. You’re calm, you look a lot more serious, and your hair is actually rather pretty. How did you do that?”
Pinkie didn’t answer at first. With Gummy gently clutched in her right hoof, her rump placed on the floor behind her, she looked akin to a toddler having been caught out of bed with her teddy bear clutched to her heart. The pony’s shimmering eyes just stared at Josh, and for the first time, Josh realized that this wasn’t a look of rage or anger. Applejack, Twilight, and Rarity had all gotten upset with Josh’s honest, insulting comments to the point of giving him stares that he could easily read. Unlike with all three mares, Pinkie’s expression read pure sadness and pain. She didn’t hold any malice towards Josh.
Why doesn’t she say anything? Man, this is…creepy. It’s like she’s a totally different pony…did I break her or something? Josh hesitantly waved a hoof in front of Pinkie’s face, but quickly retracted it when the pony sniffed loudly and rubbed her nose with her free foreleg that wasn’t clutching Gummy. Oddly enough, Gummy wasn’t struggling to get free nor was he trying to latch onto something new. The same blank expression stayed plastered to his face, but the way he was looking at the confused stallion almost had a message within itself.
“I’m…I’m glad you…like me…at least like this,” Pinkie whispered, finally finding her voice after another minute of silence had passed, “I don’t know…what I did to upset you, but…I’m sorry for that. I’m very sorry, Joshy. I just wanted…to make you smile. You’re not like Gilda…who went out of her way to make other ponies feel scared and sad…I know that you’re hurt on the inside. All I wanted…was to try and warm you up…and make you see that you have a friend in Pinkie. If…having my hair down…and just sitting here and doing nothing…really makes you happy…then, okay, Pinkie will be this way for you.”
“Oh, c’mon, really?” Josh groaned, slapping his face with his hoof, “You’re gonna play THAT card on me? Well, it’s not gonna work. There’s no way I’m falling for your tricks. I see your game, little pony. You’re such an amazing little actress. You’re attempting to make me feel sorry for you so that I see what a jerk I am, and then we hug like two weirdoes while sharing in a fake little laugh before we become close friends and we go on our merry way. Trust me, I’ve seen those clichés in the movies, and real life doesn’t work like that, sweetheart. It’s gonna take more than that to make me…”
“Would you like me to go away?” Pinkie interrupted, her voice stained with hesitance at upsetting Josh again, although a weak smile was just begging to return to her face, “I…I can leave you to your party, if you like. If you’d rather party by yourself, that’s okay. I…I can go up to my room…and lock myself in there…while you do what you like down here.”
“For the last time, I don’t DO parties! They’re for little kids and for those with mental problems who think that having a party thrown for them will somehow improve their self-esteem when what they really need is a good counselor.”
“I…I understand…I think.” Pinkie shifted uncomfortably, clutching Gummy even closer to her, as though using him as a shield to block herself from Josh. “But…all the same…you can at least enjoy some of the food…if you’re hungry. And there’s music you can listen to…if you felt like it. I’m sorry…whatever makes you happy will make Pinkie happy. What do you want for me to do, Joshy?”
Josh stared at Pinkie for a long time, refusing to fall for her tricks that he was confident she was using on him. Finally deciding to call her bluff, the stallion smirked and crossed his forelegs in satisfaction. “Okay, let’s do that. I can go for a little food; I DO love pastries. So, why don’t you go ahead and get out of my sight, and take that stupid little pet of yours with you? I’m more than capable of handling things myself down here, thank you. If you have nothing else to say, you can take your leave, pickle girl.”
Slowly, Pinkie rose to her hooves and gently deposited Gummy on her back. She hesitated, then weakly trotted up to Josh so she was within two feet of him, just out of his reach. The pink pony gave one, final, forced smile before she closed her eyes. “Okay, Joshy…if that’s what’ll make you happy, okay. I will go away and leave you alone. Enjoy the party that I set up for you; I hope it doesn’t anger you any more than I already have. Once again, I’m sorry for hurting you. I don’t know what I did, but I’m sure it was terrible. I’ll…I’ll just go now…so you don’t have to deal with me.”
“Good, thank you. Make it quick, would you? I didn’t have a proper breakfast, thanks to some stupid thugs trying to take over a restaurant. Speaking of which, you might want to check your cupcakes.”
“Yes, Joshy…whatever you say.” With Gummy still being unnaturally behaved on her back, Pinkie pivoted and slowly began to trot towards the back room which would lead up to her loft of a home. Josh sat and watched, still refusing to play games with the pony. Still, her flat mane and tail looked so lifeless, unlike her usual puffy mane and tail. Her body sagged as she walked, and her head was hung low instead of being raised high in such a fun and proud stance. Her light blue eyes were what mystified Josh the most. Rarity also had blue eyes, but they were so vastly different. Rarity’s dark blue sapphire eyes were full of lust, yearning, wanting, valiance, power, and generosity. Pinkie’s light blue cyan eyes were full of warmth, playfulness, spunk, vigilance, joy, and laughter. Seeing them marred by strained tears made Josh’s heart start to act up again.
Just before Pinkie reached the back doorway of the main room, she turned back around and gave the former human one more sad smile. “Joshy…if you need anything…anything at all…you can come and see me. My door may be locked, as you wished, but…my heart will always be open.” Giving a little nod, Pinkie big a silent farewell to the stallion, then vanished into the darkness of the back room and proceeded towards the stairs.
Josh stayed seated in the same place when Pinkie had removed Gummy from his horn. His eyes were locked onto the spot where he had last seen the teary-eyed Pinkie Pie. He didn’t really understand what had happened. Pinkie threw him a surprise party, then did a strange prayer with him, then he blew up at her for being stupid and nonsensical, and finally she actually listened to him and left. She had been the first one to actually do exactly what he had asked, even though it had taken him to raise his voice and make some harsh insults to do it. But, he didn’t care…at least he was pretty sure he didn’t care. Pinkie’s creepy and random attitude made no sense to him, and all it did was make him mad. Still, he felt like his body was fighting itself; his mind seemed proud of his actions, but his heart was ready to rip it to shreds.
“Damn that Pinkie…did she have to sell that so freaking well? Stupid pony.”
With his stomach hurting, partly due to his heart angrily scolding him for his hurtful actions towards Pinkie Pie and mostly because he was starving, Josh tore his eyes away from the doorway where the pink pony disappeared and eyed the spread laid out across the room. His hungry eyes took in the layout of cakes, muffins, cupcakes, bread rolls, croissants, and other delicious pastry treats and couldn’t help but begin to drool. Putting his heart on hold and deciding to satisfy himself first, Josh eagerly began racing towards the nearest table.
Hey, it’s my party anyway, right? Josh smirked to himself, walking up to the long rectangular nearest him and eying the intoxicating aromas waffling off the party pastries, So, since it’s my party, I’ll eat if I want to! Ah, I’m hilarious. But, no, in all seriousness, this food had best be fresh and not be poisoned in the least! I don’t trust the psycho pony in the house, but if I don’t eat something, I’m gonna collapse. Let’s see just how well a moronic pink party pony with down syndrome and a retarded pet alligator can bake, shall we?
Picking out something small to start, Josh made his way up to a tray of half a dozen cupcakes. The small pastries had a multitude of frosting colors, ranging from blue to a beautiful rainbow colored that resembled Rainbow Dash. When Josh carefully picked up one of the cupcakes up with his hooves, forcing him to sit down on the floor in the process, he felt the cushiony baked good squish nicely into his new hands. Upon raising it to his nose to smell, he was almost overwhelmed by how delicious the fresh aroma felt. By looks, smell and feel alone, Josh had to grudgingly admit that he was possibly in the presence of the best pastry products he had ever seen.
“It almost feels like a shame to eat something so…perfect,” Josh whispered to himself, staring at the yellow frosting-covered cupcake in his hooves, his eyes sparkling in delight, “Yeah…ALMOST!” With a loud guffaw, Josh lifted up his mouth and stuffed the cupcake inside. Almost as soon as he clamped his jaws down onto the treat, a little shiver rocketed through his body. When he began to chew up the cupcake, he almost wanted to moan and smile at the same time. It was like eating a slice of heaven.
Mmm…good God this is delicious! Josh found himself slowly sinking onto the floor, soon collapsing onto his back as his body writhed back and forth. The soft and luxurious texture…the smooth and delicious frosting…the perfect amount of sugar to let off a grand balance of sweetness without making you cringe…is this what having sex is like? No, that’s an insult to the cupcake; there’s no way having sex would be as incredible as what I’m eating right now.
Josh savored the delicious treat he was devouring, purposely slowing his chewing motions to painstakingly-long instead of usually very fast. He was very disappointed when his throat began to instinctively start swallowing down all the chewed, crumby remains of the cupcake that his teeth were delicately massacring. When every last crumb vanished down his gullet, the ecstatic stallion licked his lips and ran his tongue over each of his molars and other teeth. He wanted to taste every last bit of the godly cupcake before his stomach took its course.
“That was…incredible! So…freaking…incredible!” Josh eagerly leapt up onto his hooves, his eyes wild as the dark green pupils danced between all the titular baked goods aligning the brightly-colored tables that Pinkie had set out for him. “How a creepy little animated pony managed to make such an amazing treat is beyond me; it should be illegal for something that delicious to be created! But…I need more. Yes, I need MORE, BABY!”
His tongue hanging out of his mouth, Josh’s eyes turned from hungry to ravenous as he manically ogled the loads of food occupying the half dozen tabletops in the foyer. For the short time he’s spent in Equestria thus far, Josh realized that he really hadn’t had that much to eat to fill his stomach. He had eaten a few of Applejack’s complimentary apple delights, but other than that, he had eaten nothing worthwhile. Josh was used to starving himself, since he never needed to eat that much, but there was something about Pinkie’s pastries that was giving him fits. More than ever, he wanted to eat.
“Come to me, my delectable sweeties…Josh wants to EAT YOU!” Josh cackled, awkwardly leaping up onto his hind legs as he lunged onto the top of the tabletop. He accidentally stepped into in the large punch bowl, filled with a light red drink, but he didn’t care. Even as his left hind leg sank into the liquid, his mind was only on the snacks laid out before and under him. Giving an exaggerated roar akin to a wild animal hunting its prey, Josh dove headfirst into the lucrative smorgasbord of culinary delights.
The former human was stunned at himself acting like such a greedy pig, not to mention a wild animal, but he didn’t care. Something about being a pony was starting to bring out a different side to him. A side that he had never allowed out before back home. On planet Earth, being a human was vastly different than being a pony. Naturally, there was the differences in bodies. But, besides that, there was also a completely different mindset that Josh was beginning to comprehend. Equestria had its rules, as he had painfully found out several times, but it was so much more lax.
While Josh gorged on his party treats, his mind continued to wander as it contemplated the ponies. If there was a human being like Pinkie Pie back home, she’d instantly be introduced to the nearest mental ward or insane asylum. A human like Rarity would probably be a whore or in the very least the star for any number of porno movies; if she was lucky, perhaps just a fashion model. A human like Twilight would be the atypical nerd who was engineered in rocket science and whom changed the lives of many others, but was never heard from in public. A human like Rainbow Dash would most likely be a jock who always demanded money for her efforts, and it wouldn’t be surprising if she wound up in jail a few times. A human like Applejack would probably just be the average, hard-working farmer who made a living in the boondocks somewhere and was never mentioned in daily life. A human like Fluttershy would easily be a veterinarian or even a nurse.
It’s so funny…here in this world, you can be anything you want to be…and it seems to be accepted. Josh sank his teeth into a large white cake with orange frosting around the edges, a cute little design on the top that read “Pinkie & Joshy, Best Friends Forever”, which Josh failed to notice. This world…it seems SO much better than mine…but, it’s so…so…GIRLY! It’s so…so…pathetic! It’s so lame, it’s so fake, it’s so…well, I would say gay, but that’s just a retarded insult that moronic teenagers use to describe things that aren’t meant to be described with such a word, so I won’t go there. Josh closed his eyes as his face was covered with cake crumbs and frosting, the stallion plunging his muzzle deep into the middle of the white cake with orange frosting as he ate his fill. Why can’t I just accept these…ponies? Back on my world, they would simply be called…aliens, right? And…aliens aren’t really…bad. They’re just…different. Is being different really so bad? Am I…am I wrong…to hate?
Ten minutes later and a completely overturned and messy table later, Josh sat down on an empty cupcake tray to catch his breath. He had finally calmed down from his hunger attack, his stomach bulging a few centimeters out with all the tasty treats digesting inside. He had never eaten so much before in his life, but he was really glad that he had this time around. Everything his teeth and mouth had made contact with had been superb and delectable. The bread group had always been his favorite food group, but the way Pinkie Pie ran this bakery or whatever it was made Josh consider giving the pony some respect points. At least his hunger was sated.
“Ha…I guess it’s true what they say about you getting angry when you’re hungry…too bad Pinkie had to be my verbal punching bag,” Josh snickered, letting out a loud belch and immediately covering his mouth a moment later, “Excuse me...wait, why am I saying excuse me? Dammit, these ponies are driving me to act civilized! HOW DARE THEY?” Josh angrily attempted to scoop up another empty metal tray with his hoof, and after once again realizing he had no fingers, used both hooves instead. Casting a glance to the side, Josh spied a swinging doorway near the back of the foyer that most likely led to the kitchen. Giving an evil grin, Josh sat up tall and aimed for the opening just above the swinging doors.
“And here’s Joshua Schwartz at the discus throw. I gotta tell you, Jim, this kid’s looked really great through the first five events. Yes, that’s right, Bob, and he’s still so very young and will most likely rule the world, due to his high intelligence and great athletic power! We all should bow down and worship him now and save ourselves the time of doing it later, don’t you agree? Yes, Jim, I most certainly do. Oh, look, Josh is getting into the windup. Let’s watch!”
After his playful monotone announcement, Josh narrowed his eyes as he maneuvered his right hoof and wrapped it around the metal tray. Sticking his tongue out the right side of his mouth in concentration, Josh narrowed his eyes and locked onto the opening above the swinging doorway leading into the kitchen. It was a good 15-20 feet away from him, but he was sure he could make send his makeshift Frisbee through. Cocking his right foreleg back and trying to stay leveled, Josh aimed and fired. His shot missed by 10 feet and knocked a bag of sugar off the nearby wall.
“OH, DAMMIT! STUPID TRAY!” Josh angrily stomped up and down in frustration at his terrible throw, his temper making him kick over most of the other empty trays on the table, including a pile of paper cups and half of the orange frosting cake that he had failed to finish. “STUPID BODY! STUPID HOOF! STUPID PINKIE PIE! STUPID PARTY! ARRRRRRGH!”
The annoyed stallion proceeded to leap off the table and continue his temper tantrum, throwing random things off the table around the room and watching as they splattered or crashed into other items off the shelves or landed on other goodies on the other tables that Josh had not yet touched. He had no idea why he was so mad, but all he knew was that he wanted to just mindlessly throw things and watch them break and shatter. It thrilled him and made him happy, just like pushing Applejack and Rainbow Dash off the cliff made him feel.
However, just as the angry stallion got to one of the other untouched tables, a note fluttered down from underneath the plate he had picked up. Pausing momentarily from his destructive rage, Josh frowned and glanced down at the note that landed gently on the floor by his hooves. Slamming the plate with yet another cake resting on it back onto the tabletop, Josh snatched the note up and held the small piece of paper up to his eyes. Upon further examination, he realized that the note was folded over, and was actually a rather long letter instead of an actual note with a few words or sentences. The handwriting, or rather hoof-writing as he guessed it was written by a pony, seemed somewhat lackadaisical and even a bit crazy, but was rather small. Josh figured immediately that Pinkie Pie wrote it. The letter was double-sided, and as Josh’s eyes darted across letter while he read, he felt his heart tighten in his chest.
Dear Joshy,
Hiya! I really hope you had a great time at your party today! I hope you didn’t mind me slipping this note into your super-cool mane when you weren’t looking, but I had a small inkling that it’d be best I shared things with you that didn’t result in me using my voice. I can’t say for sure, but from the looks you gave me earlier, my hunch was that my voice irritated you. I know because…Gilda always gave me those same looks, and that meanie griffon was a real bully. I don’t want that to happen to you, too. I really don’t want you to go away, Joshy. I know that you will eventually when you return back to your own home, but until then, all I want is to make you happy!
This so isn’t like me to do, since I don’t really write that much, unless it’s about party invitations, but I’m hoping that this is one way that won’t make you hate me even more than you already do. I fear that I was the reason that Gilda left us…she was Rainbow Dash’s lifelong friend, you see. Even though she was totally mean and rude, I think it was partly my fault for pulling pranks on her too much and always trying to steal Dashie away. Joshy, is there anything that I could do to make your stay here in Equestria the best it can be? If so, please, just come and talk to me, Pinkie! My door will always be open.
You’re scary when you’re mad, but it’s so different than when Gilda got mad at us! I mean…she kinda attacked me a few times and went on to insult my friends and stuff, but…I don’t know. I can’t really explain it, but something in my head keeps itching and making me twitch! Oh, and my heart keeps telling me that you’re different, but in a good way! Does that make sense? I hope it makes sense! But, Joshy, the thing I mostly want to say is…me and my friends will always be behind you. Even if you hate us and all you want to do is push us off some cliffs, please know that we’ll always be there for you until you go home…and even AFTER you go home, okay?
You don’t need to be alone, Joshy. Nopony deserves to be alone! It’s just not right and it’s so horrible! I know that it feels like to be alone, and it’s so painful. It makes me cry big tears! Do you cry big tears when you get alone? Do you not let others see it? It’s okay if you do; I’ve done that many times. That’s why love is so amazing! When there’s love, the pain is easier to scare away, since all that love will make that mean old pain stop hurting you! Did you not ever feel that in your life? That’s so horrible! Pinkie Pie can try to make it better. Gummy knows I can! My friends know I can, too.
Joshy, I’m sorry for writing so much. I guess Twilight is wearing off on me, hee. But, I’ve wanted to say all this to you for a long time, but…I think you’d prefer it written instead of said. That’s okay, I understand. I’ll stop writing now; I’m sure this has annoyed you, and for that, I’m sorry as well. But, I really hope you liked the party today…or yesterday…or three days ago…or whenever you find this note! Dashie sometimes goes days without washing, so she rarely cleans her mane. I hope you find this before that long, but if you don’t, that’s okay! I hope you liked my cakes and treats and party games! If you ever want to have more fun, I’m always up for that! Love you, Joshy!
Pinkie Pie
Josh grit his teeth as he read the letter over once, and then twice. His mind was congested with an entire flue of random emotions. He was angry at some of the things he read. He was confused at what exactly this meant. He was amused that Pinkie was actually scared of him and had to write a letter. He was…saddened? Yes, he was saddened, and as he began reading the letter for a third time, his eyes widened and he suddenly realized something. As the letter fluttered from his hoof, his eyes began to invite tears to invade. He glanced around the room and at the destruction he had inflicted for no reason. He remembered the sad look that Pinkie had given him when she left the party that she had set up for him. He memorized certain lines in Pinkie’s letter that were killing him. This was all too familiar.
“Look at me…I’ve become my father,” Josh whispered, sitting down on his haunches as he raised his hooves and stared at them. “I’m…a monster…just like he was. I’m a splitting image of my father…the thing I set out to NEVER become. No…no…NOOOOOO!” Josh lifted back his head and clenched his eyes shut, slamming his hooves into the side of his face as he violently attempted to rip his own head from his neck. His pained screams echoed through the deathly-silent Sugarcube Corner as his overzealous mind elicited a flashback that he had wanted to always keep buried in his darkest of memories.
~~~
Josh giggled as he sat on the floor in the warm room in the basement of his home. His eager young eyes scanned the jigsaw puzzle in front of him. It was 500 pieces, quite advanced for his young age, but he had discovered a while ago that solving puzzles were one of his gifts. The green coffee table he was putting the puzzle together on was low to the fuzzy purple floor, allowing the boy to sit down while he relaxed and put his mind at ease. He really loved putting together jigsaw puzzles. It was like solving a little game, and when he won, he was rewarded with a bright and detailed picture that the pieces formed when they were fit together properly. It excited him.
“DAMMIT!” A loud crash scared Josh out of his happy place, making him whip his head around to see what had happened. He saw his father, Joe, rising up from his chair as he watched the television set. Josh had no idea what had happened. What was it his daddy was watching? Was it some kind of sport? Did he call it football? Josh had no idea, but he wondered why his daddy was getting so mad, and what the odd word he just said was. Cautiously, little Josh stepped away from his puzzle, only with about 100 pieces to go, and took a step towards his father. The tall man had his back to his son, his fists clenched and his body heaving.
“Daddy? Are you okay?”
Joe whipped his head around, his eyes ablaze with fury. His favorite football team had just given up a touchdown, not that his unintelligent son would know that. He was so stupid and such a pest. The father hated his son. He would never amount to anything. The only thing he was good for was taking up space and being a nuisance. Combined with his sporting events not going so well, seeing the timid Josh looking up at him with such a stupid expression irritated Joseph. Why should he have to put up with this runt? Why couldn’t his mother just look after him? He never wanted him to begin with.
“Shut up, you little bastard! Just shut up!” Joe angrily took a swipe at Josh, striking the little boy right in the face and sending him falling over backwards onto his back. As Josh cried out in pain and terror, Joe turned back around and proceeded to smash his fist right into the television set. He wasn’t quite powerful enough to punch a hole through the screen, but his rage allowed him to slam the TV so hard that the cables got yanked out of the wall and a part of the plastic surrounding the television set broke off. The TV flickered off, Josh began crying, but Joe’s anger was just getting started.
“DAMMIT! FRICK! STUPID LITTLE CREEP! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!” Joe stomped back around and reached down, grabbing Josh by the back of his black hair and yanking the crying boy to his feet. He tossed him across the room, watching him thankfully slam into the sofa instead of the wall, but then the red-haired father took an angry glance down at the jigsaw puzzle that Josh had already spent six hours working on. “STUPID FRICKIN’ PUZZLE! SISSY JUNK!” Joe brought his fist down onto the table, smashing a good chunk of the pieces and wrecking a lot of the work Josh had already put into crafting the puzzle. Not satisfied, Joseph grabbed up handfuls of the pieces and hurled them across the room, most of them striking the sobbing Josh, while the rest were unceremoniously scattered into random places of the tiny room. Finally, just for good measure, Joe kicked over the green coffee table, breaking off one of the legs and destroying whatever remained of Josh’s jigsaw puzzle. The end result was going to be a picture of a kitty, but it was long gone now.
“Daddy…I’m sorry…whatever I did, I’m sorry…” Josh’s cracked voice reached his father’s red ears, his choking sobs echoing through the destroyed room as the boy cowered in the corner of the sofa. The back of his head hurt where he had been yanked up by his hair, but he didn’t care. He just didn’t want it to happen to him again.
Joe’s angry brown eyes glared over at his son, shaking his head in disgust as he saw the cowering boy in the corner. Kicking the jigsaw puzzle box that Josh was using as a guide out of his path, Joe stomped right over to Josh and pointed a long, pointy finger right into his tear-soaked face. “You listen to me, you little bastard. You will not tell your mother what happened down here today, you got that? If you do, I’m only going to destroy more of your crappy, girly nonsense next time. You understand me?”
“Y-y-yes…D-D-Daddy…”
“You are a man, so start acting like one. Men don’t do sissy little puzzles. Men don’t cower like babies when they get hurt or yelled at. Men don’t act like you do, you hear me? I sometimes wish I would’ve had a daughter instead. She’d be ten times better than the likes of you.”
“I’m…sorry…Daddy…”
“You make me sick.” Joe reached down and roughly grabbed Josh’s puny right arm, pinning him to the back wall. “Just look at you. You’re such a bony little thing. A girl could beat you up.”
“I’m…I’m only seven, Daddy…I’ll get stronger, I promise…please don’t hurt me…”
“Hurting you would be like punching a wall. Completely worthless.” Joe frowned and threw Josh’s arm out of his muscular hand, turning back around as he stomped towards the doorway. Just before he exited to go upstairs and get a drink, he shook his head and muttered to himself. “Damn that mother of yours, always leaving you in my care…I have better things I could be doing than babysitting a little idiot like you.” With a shake of his head, Joe picked up his nearby sports cap off the coatrack behind the door, slipped it onto his slick red hair, then left the room in a huff.
Josh, while technically unharmed, save for the pain in the back of his head and in his right arm, tried to hold in his crying. He didn’t want to be a sissy. He didn’t want to be an idiot that let his father down. He didn’t want to be taken back for a daughter. He wanted to be the best he could be. But, as his meek green eyes peered down at his destroyed jigsaw puzzle, his greatest passion, he couldn’t stop the tears from flowing out of his eyes. Throwing himself down onto the sofa, Josh buried his face into the white cushion and bawled. He kicked his legs and screamed, hating himself and everything that he was. He didn’t blame his father; after all, his father was never wrong.
~~~
Tears ran down the stallion’s face, his teeth grinding together as he observed the room. Metal trays thrown everywhere. Cake and cupcakes and other bread items completely destroyed. Bags of sugar and other merchandise rudely knocked off the shelves and ruined upon splitting open on the ground. Josh looked down at the letter that Pinkie Pie had written him, due to her not wanting to make him any madder than he had already been. Save for his eyes and his hair, he was the splitting image of his father, Joseph. Josh felt sick to his stomach.
“I…I…no…I don’t want to be this…DAMMIT, I DON’T WANT TO BE THIS!” Josh’s bellowing sobs gurgled out of his mouth, slamming his hooved fists down onto the bakery floor. “I HATE MYSELF! I HATE MYSELF MORE THAN THESE STUPID PONIES! I HATE MYSELF MORE THAN I HATE MY HOME! I HATE MYSELF SO BAD! I SHOULD BE DEAD!”
Shut up, Josh. What the hell is the matter with you? The part of Josh that had pulled him through all these years, darkening his heart and locking it away, was his mind. His mind now spoke to him, forcibly pulling him out of his sorrowful state. You did nothing wrong. You father was wrong, just like the world was wrong. You are not the evil one here. All these ponies are the evil ones. Who are they to try and turn you into something you’re not? Isn’t that what your father did? Don’t you understand, Josh? The only person you can ever trust or listen to is yourself. Everyone else is garbage, and you are the landfill who has to suffer through all that garbage, and you can’t do a thing about it. You are life’s scapegoat, Joshua Schwartz.
“You’re right…yes, you’re right…” Josh stared down at Pinkie’s letter, a small puddle of tears forming at the base of his hind legs as he sat cross-legged in front of the piece of paper. “I can only trust myself. That is…that is true…no matter what these ponies say…they’re just liars. Wolves in sheep’s clothing. I don’t belong in this world…but I don’t belong in my world, either. Do I…not belong anywhere?”
We all serve a purpose in life. When you find yours, you’ll know. But, until then, just remember that suicide is the coward’s way out.
“I would never. No…I’m not that stupid…that’s what they all WANT me to do…” Josh’s eyes narrowed into slits, reaching up with his hooves and wiping his nose and his excess tears from his eyes. “I will continue to live…and in doing so…I WILL find my destiny. No more nonsense. I’m not a punching bag. I’ll show them all who I really am…”
Oh? And just who are you, Josh? One cannot find their destiny if they don’t understand who they are first, you know.
“Shut up.” Josh angrily slapped his head to silence his thoughts before picking up the note and folding it back the way it was. Carefully, he slid it back underneath the same cake that he had found it under, then returned it to its proper place on the table. “I may not belong here, and I may be the only one who is actually sane in either world…but, all the same, I will NOT be my father. I refuse. I…I’m going to go…and apologize…to Pinkie.”
Making his way to the back stairs that Pinkie had vanished up a while back, Josh muttered to himself as he examined the stairwell going up. Wondering if he was losing his mind or if he was just trying to be nice for once, Josh forced his four legs to climb the wooden stairs. Climbing up each step seemed like a triathlon for him, but Josh refused to back away. He still didn’t like the ponies, but between his father and the ponies, he hated his father a bit more. He didn’t’ like it, but he would do the right thing.
When Josh reached the top of the staircase, he found a hallway filled with doors. However, it didn’t take long to find which room was Pinkie’s. It was the only one that was shut and locked, not to mention having the words “Pinkie’s Room” embroidered in hardened sugar on the doorway. Rolling his eyes, and taking a deep breath, Josh lifted up his hoof and gently pounded on the door. When no one answered, Josh realized he would have to do a bit more than that.
“Ugh…hey, Pinkie? You know…you may be onto something.” Josh forced a weak smile. “I ate one of your cupcakes and nearly died. I mean, it was…” At that moment, the door was wrenched open and Josh found himself tackled by the pink ball of fuzz known as Pinkie Pie. Her hair was still down, but she looked very concerned as she looked down at the pony she had just tackled.
“Joshy, I’m so sorry! I didn’t know my cupcakes would almost kill you, I swear! I mean, AJ and I accidentally made some bad muffins one time, but I swear I wasn’t trying to make them bad! Ooh, this is terrible! I’m such a terrible baker. I KNEW I should’ve had Gummy watch me to make sure I didn’t do anything wrong. Please, Joshy, I really didn’t mean to almost kill you! I was just…”
“PINKIE, WOULD YOU…eh-hem…would you please shut your mouth?” Josh interrupted, trying his hardest to not yell at her. When Pinkie Pie immediately went silent, nervously sitting on Josh’s chest and wondering if she was about to be scolded again, the stallion forced himself to smile once more. “I simply meant that your cupcakes were un-freaking-believable. They were DELICIOUS! Plus, EVERYTHING you made was very, very tasty!”
“R-r-really?” Pinkie tilted her head.
“Yeah, really! Most delicious things I’ve ever eaten. But…okay, look…” Josh grumbled, but once again forced himself to continue. “I…I didn’t mean to…to yell at you. It’s just…well…er…Gummy attaching himself to my horn…drove me batty. I, uh, really feel bad…about what took place. But…it’s just not a party with just me…even though I AM the life of the party always. There’s still plenty of food and stuff downstairs, so I was wondering if…”
Pinkie’s smile couldn’t have slipped back onto her face faster than if Josh had just hugged her. With another loud popping sound, her mane and tail sprung back to their normal cotton candy-like shapes, and the pink pony eagerly began bouncing around the stallion. “Joshy, do you want to party with me?”
“Even though I know I’m going to regret this in the morning…yes, I would.”
“YAAAAAAAAAAY!” Pinkie pulled Josh into a tight embrace and nuzzled him so hard that Josh’s cheek began to burn. “Oh, Joshy, thank you so much! Don’t worry, I forgive you…but, I’m totally sorry for being a pain, too. Can you forgive ME?”
“You’re still a pain in the butt, and your voice is still very annoying, but…hey, no one’s perfect!”
Taking that as a yes, Pinkie giggled and playfully twirled the squished Josh around and around. “Okay! We’re going to have SOOOO much fun! Have you ever played pin the tail on the pony? How about bobbing for apples? Do you know how to dance? Hey, I’ve got a piñata, if you’re interested!”
As the eager Pinkie Pie began to practically drag Josh back downstairs, the stallion sighed a bit. His headache was already starting to creep back up, but seeing Pinkie Pie happy leveled the pain to a more manageable level. He still despised the party pony, along with all her friends, but at least this was better than going emo and just randomly hurting others for no reason. Josh would suffer through the pain, at least for now. Pinkie deserved that.
She’d better not mess up my hair when she slips that letter inside, though. I don’t need more ponies making a mockery of my hairdo!
“If you don’t stop pestering me, I’m gonna pin this tail on YOUR butt instead of the one on the flat, cardboard cutout of a pony!”
“Aww, silly Joshy, I don’t think it would stick to MY tushy.”
“Shall we test that theory?”
Twenty minutes later after Josh’s hesitant apology to Pinkie, the party was back on. Gummy took residence inside the punch bowl, much to Josh’s disapproval, but Pinkie kept the stallion occupied so he didn’t lose his temper again. The party pony didn’t seem to mind the mess that Josh made during his angry rant earlier. In fact, she was even determined to turn the mess into a cleaning game when the party was over. Josh couldn’t help but give himself a face-hoof.
After Pinkie showed Josh how many cupcakes she could stick into her mouth at once, the two shared a cake together. Even though Josh had eaten quite a lot already, he still found room for more. Plus, spending more time in the presence of Pinkie Pie seemed like a great way to exercise and lose weight, while at the same time gaining it right back again from the number of treats she enjoyed baking. Either way, after the two ponies continued to snack together, Pinkie tried to get Josh to play a game with her. The stallion admitted he had never played pin the tail on the donkey before, so he wouldn’t mind trying it. He had to restrain himself from strangling the mare when she corrected him and said that it was pin the tail on the pony, not donkey.
“Pinkie, I’m dizzy and disoriented! I have no idea where I am!” Josh complained, contemplating on whether or not to lift the dark blindfold tightly wrapped around his eyes to get a cheating peek. He tried to lift his right hoof with the thumbtack and pony tail higher, but all he swung at was air. Pinkie’s excessive giggling from somewhere to his right didn’t help matters. “Stop laughing! My eyes can’t see through blindfolds, you know! Plus, you spun me a good fifty-seven times before you let me start, which very nearly made me puke everything I’ve already eaten. Laugh one more time and I’m stomping you flat into the ground!”
“How can you do that when you can’t see me?” Pinkie’s voice giggled once again, and from the thuds echoing from either side of him, Josh realized that the pony was bouncing around. “You have that blindfold on, so you can’t squash me flat, Joshy! I mean, you’d have to be REALLY good at moving around while blind and dizzy, which I don’t think you are. You’re nowhere near your target at all! I don’t really think you’re cut out for this game.”
“Wait, what? I thought you said that I had to raise my hoof higher!”
“No, I meant raise your HEAD higher, since you were kinda leaning it towards the ground as you trotted along, and you almost ran right into a table! That would’ve been very sad to see, since you would’ve gotten a big owie! I ran into a table once and I almost poked my eye out! Of course, it didn’t REALLY pop out, since I think my eyes are glued into my head or something. No matter how hard I hit something, my eyes just won’t fall out of my head! Isn’t that so super cool?”
Josh sat down and tried counting to ten, his anger starting to return. However, it wasn’t the type of anger he got when he wanted to kill something. It was the kind of anger he got when he was annoyed and felt like playfully issuing some punishment. Taking what Pinkie Pie said to heart a few moments ago, an evil grin creeped onto Josh’s face as he reached up to remove his blindfold. “You know what, Pinkie? I think I’ll take you up on that offer of yours.”
“What offer, Joshy?” Pinkie’s voice was coming from somewhere to his left now.
“The offer to see if this thumbtack will stick into your butt!” Josh tried to rip his blindfold off, planning on throwing it aside and lunging at Pinkie all in one fluid motion. “Just think, two tails for the price of one! Maybe if you’re lucky, it won’t hurt too much…DAMMIT, WHY ISN’T THIS COMING OFF?!?!” The stallion, no matter how hard he struggled, couldn’t remove the blindfold from his eyes.
Pinkie’s giggling voice rang out again as she playfully continued to bounce around Josh. “Oh, well, I kinda figured that you would be like Dashie, so I wanted to put my special blindfold on you! You see, Dashie enjoys cheating as well, and that’s so not nice! So, a while back, I had Twilight use her magic on that blindfold.” She paused and tilted her head, reaching up and scratching at her mane as though trying to remember something. “Um…I think she said that it…uh…oh, right!” She stuck her hoof in the air as a light bulb went off in her head. “She said that the one wearing the blindfold could not remove it, therefore preventing any amount of cheating! Only other ponies can remove it. Isn’t that so cool? Twilight is the best when it comes to magic!”
“Pinkie Pie?”
“Yes?”
“Remove this blindfold from my eyes, right now, so that I may jab this sharp thumbtack into your butt. If you do not comply by the time I count to five, I will be forced to annihilate you.”
More giggles and more bounces sounded out, followed by Pinkie Pie playfully bouncing onto the blinded Josh’s backside and tackling him down. “Aww, Joshy, you’re so cute when you act serious. But, you didn’t say ‘pretty please with a lemon drop on top’, so I’m afraid the blindfold stays!”
“One.”
Pinkie Pie bounced up and down on Josh’s back, giggling and watching as her party hat rocketed into the air. “Ooh, so cool! Hey, Joshy, your back is very nice to bounce on! I wonder how high I can get my party hat to fly into the air. Do you think I can get it to hit the ceiling?”
“Two.”
“Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy!” Pinkie laughed joyfully as she leaped up and down on Josh’s back, her weight not really being so much of a problem for him. Her pointy, colorful hat continued to soar up to the ceiling with each big bounce she took on the stallion’s back, until it finally smacked into the ceiling on her thirteenth bounce. “Yippee! I did it, Joshy!”
“Three.”
“What would you like to do after this, huh?” Pinkie let her hat flutter back down onto her head, then took a seat on Josh’s lower back as she placed a hoof to her chin. She propped her lower hooves onto the back of Josh’s neck as she used him for a seat. “I was thinking we could save the piñata for last, since it’s always such a BLAST smacking it open! Ooh, did you know one time, during this party I threw for Sweetie Belle’s birthday, that somepony put ants in the piñata and when it was struck, the ants flew everywhere and onto everypony? It was soooooo crazy! You should’ve heard the way Rarity was screaming and how Dashie was laughing her head off and how Applejack was ready to beat her up for some odd reason. Pretty kooky, don’t you think?”
“Four.”
“Anyway, maybe after this, Joshy, you’d like to…” Pinkie paused for a moment, then shyly leaned down and wrapped her forelegs around the front of Josh’s neck. She buried her face into his dark, velvety mane and wiggled slightly on top of his dark violet body. “…dance with me?”
“Five! Prepare to…wait, what?” The blind stallion paused in his quest to annihilate Pinkie Pie, shivering at how close she was being with him. Before he could question that, however, he was more concerned with what she had said about dancing. “Uh…no, we’re not doing that. I utterly refuse to dance with you, Pinkie Pie. I would sooner dance with a dead rat.”
“Aww, but why?” Pinkie pouted, nuzzling the back of Josh’s neck as she idly kicked her hind legs back and forth behind her. “I totally dance better than a dead rat, I swear! Just ask Gummy!”
“For one, I don’t dance. For two, I don’t dance…with horses! For three, males weren’t meant to dance! That’s for females. Seriously, back home, there’s this show called Dancing With The Stars, and I nearly puke my lungs out when I see the males dancing on there. Seriously, all they’re doing is making complete jackasses of themselves! It’s an utter disgrace.”
Slowly, Pinkie pushed her lips close to Josh’s left ear and whispered to him. “If you hate dancing so much, why would you be watching such a thing, hmm?”
“H-hey! Don’t you try to trick me, you little brat!” Josh squirmed, trying to buck Pinkie off as he rose to his hooves, but the earth pony clung to him like lint. “I don’t actually watch the show! I just…uh…I just know about it…because…er…” Josh stalled in trying to come up with a quick excuse. He was usually keen at coming up with clever excuses, but at the moment he was struggling. Something about the way Pinkie was holding him and whispering to him was starting to make him unravel again. “…I happened to see it on a TV monitor inside of a random store that I had completely no interest in going into and was just casually strolling past while going about my business?”
“I might believe that…IF it didn’t take you six seconds to come up with it.” Pinkie’s high-pitched giggling reigned supreme again as Josh’s excuse was shot down. Trying to win an argument against Pinkie Pie was like trying to ignore puppy dog eyes; it was almost entirely impossible and usually a lost cause. “C’mon, Joshy, would you pleeeeeeeease dance with me? Pretty please with extra sugar and frosting and lemon drops on top?”
Josh squirmed blindly for a few more minutes, trying his hardest to throw Pinkie Pie off his back, but failing each time. His full stomach and the pony’s strong hooves wrapped around his neck was really slowing Josh’s movements and not allowing him to hurl the pony away. He really didn’t want to humiliate himself by dancing with a pony, despite the fact he was one himself at the moment. It wasn’t like he couldn’t dance. He was no Michael Jackson, but he could still bust a few moves better than most human beings. But, all the same, he wasn’t sure if dancing with a pink pony in a world known as Equestria was really the best idea. It certainly was not what he had been planning for the day.
“Pinkie…ugh, okay, here’s the deal.” Josh chose his words very carefully, pausing and stopping his thrashing as he spoke to the pony on his backside. “If you remove this blindfold from me, I will…dance one song with you, but that’s IT. You will tell NO ONE about it, you will NOT mock me, AND…your pet alligator can’t watch.”
“Hmm…do you Pinkie Promise that you’ll dance with me and not try to trick me?”
“Do I…what?”
“You have to Pinkie Promise! It’s a binding promise that you cannot break! If you dare break a Pinkie Promise…” Josh heard Pinkie go silent, and for a split-second, he could’ve sworn he felt his spine get a chill. Somehow, he didn’t like the unusual pause that Pinkie gave.
“Ugh, fine, whatever! What’s…the Pinkie Promise?”
“You have to repeat these words, while making the motions as well!” Pinkie cleared her throat, then recited the Pinkie Promise to the confused stallion beneath her. “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!”
“Uh…that sounds vaguely familiar…I think we have a similar saying back on my home world.” Josh raised a hoof to his lip and tried to remember what the saying was back home, but since he never usually promised anything to anybody, he probably had never heard of it. “Oh, screw it. So, all I do is say those corny words and…make the motions, are you serious?”
“Yuppers! Do it, and don’t you try to get out of it; I’m watching you, mister.” Pinkie playfully gave Josh a slap on the head that was more of a pat. Rolling his eyes inside of his blindfold, Josh awkwardly lifted up his right hoof and began saying the Pinkie Promise for the first time.
“Cross my heart and hope to fly…” Josh made an X-shape over his heart with his hoof. “…stick a cupcake, in my EYE!” Even though he was still wearing his blindfold, when Josh attempted to jab himself in the eye with his hoof, the accidental force caused the blindfold to smack his eye and make him shriek in pain. “OW! SON-OF-A-HANDBAG, OW!”
“Yay! You did it!” Pinkie gushed, letting Josh go and removing his blindfold in less than two seconds. Josh’s hoof instantly pressed into his sore eye as he continued to make silly curses and loudly accuse Pinkie of setting him up for that. Pinkie, however, just hummed to herself and went about keeping her side of the promise. She made sure that the front door to the bakery was locked, pulled down the blinds on the windows, and then went over and removed Gummy from the now-empty punch bowl. She didn’t exactly have to remove him; the gator instantly latched onto Pinkie’s head when she came close to him.
DAMN that hurt! I have perfect 20/20 vision, too! This had better not affect it, that’s all I’ve gotta say. Josh muttered to himself, trying to clear the blurriness in his right eye. He was still holding the thumbtack with the pony tail in his free hoof, and he was still planning on inserting it in its proper place sometime soon. After noticing how the windows were drawn and the door was locked, he glanced towards Pinkie’s vanishing tush, watching as she “carried” Gummy upstairs. Hmm…interesting…she’s actually doing what I asked. All I had to do was make that stupid promise and say that I’ll dance with her, and she listened to me? Wow…I guess a little kindness actually works…not that I care. Plus…Pinkie actually has quite a cute rear-end. Not as hot as Rarity’s, but cute nonetheless.
Just as quickly as Pinkie vanished up the stairs to deliver Gummy back to her room, she returned only seconds later. “I’m back, Joshy! Are you ready to shake your groove thang?” She winked at the stallion, who was caught off-guard not only by the sudden display of flirting, but by the new dress that Pinkie was wearing. The pony was now clad in a pink and white dress, complete with blue ribbons on her four hooves and a cute little white hat on her head. Josh’s jaw almost reached the floor when he saw Pinkie’s new look.
Dear God, she’s really taking this seriously! She…she actually looks…pretty! No, wait, what the hell am I THINKING? She’s NO Rarity! Hell, she’s no Twilight, Applejack, or Rainbow Dash for that matter! She’s highly unattractive! That little getup just makes her look like a tramp. As Josh kept telling himself that Pinkie wasn’t attractive that he was just dancing because it was part of his promise, the earth pony said nothing as she trotted over to a boom-box and flicked on a song.
A stylish pop song began to blare out over the speakers, which soon mixed into a dance song as well. As his favorite brand of music reached his eardrums, Josh nearly found himself hypnotized. He was a sucker for music, right down to the bone, and struggle as he might to deny it, he would never miss an opportunity to go wild. Plus, as Pinkie Pie in her suggestive dress danced her way across the floor towards him, he knew that he was in for one crazy dance. The last time he had danced with a female was back in high school, and that had ended rather badly. The girl had annoyed him by always stepping on his foot, so he lost his temper and shoved her into another random boy and stomped off in a huff. Hopefully, things would be different this time around.
“I’m ready for that dance, Joshy!” Pinkie sang out, stopping right in front of the stallion while continuing to shake her rump back and forth to the rhythm of the song, “Let’s see if you can keep up with me!”
“Bring it on, sweetheart,” Josh smirked, licking his lips and stepping to within a few inches of the pony, “I’ll have you sweating even before two minutes pass. Prepare to lose yourself on the dance floor!”
Failing to realize just how suggestive he had sounded, Josh reached out and wrapped a foreleg around the giggling pink pony’s neck. However, it was at that moment when Josh realized that he didn’t know how to dance as a pony. He was used to dance on two legs, not on four. He had attempted to stand and walk on his hind legs as a pony, and it was near impossible for him to do without having had proper practice. As such, the stallion’s bravado very quickly decreased when he came to this realization. But, it was too late to back away. Pinkie was already starting to dance. He would have to wing it.
With his right foreleg still wrapped around Pinkie’s neck, the pink pony pulled him out into the center of the party, shaking her flanks and never once pausing to stop her four hooves. When both ponies reached the middle of the large room, Pinkie began to pull off fancy moves without actually touching Josh. As he observed her, he drew the conclusion that “dancing” with ponies wasn’t actually the same with humans. Instead of holding hands, or in this case hooves, and actually performing dance moves together, you dance close to one another and it counts as the same thing. When Josh figured this out, he actually felt a lot better about free-styling with the mare.
Okay, Josh, you can do this…you’re not exactly dancing WITH her…it’s just…well, you’re dancing alongside her. There’s a difference! Now, from watching…another show…you learned that dancing is about what’s below your waist; your upper body isn’t the true part of dancing. So, I just have to let my back legs guide me and…okay, I am NOT shaking my ass! I’m not THAT moronic! You know what? Screw this, I’m just gonna go crazy and knock Pinkie Pie for a loop!
The tempo of the dance-pop song picked up, and Josh finally got into the groove. Following Pinkie’s lead, he began to mimic her actions, since he figured she was an expert at dancing, and soon began to add in a few things of his own. Before long, he was maneuvering on all four hooves like he had done so his entire life. He wasn’t even aware that he was still shaking his butt, even though he didn’t want to; he was too captivated by Pinkie Pie and the music to really know what he was doing. His body was moving on its own while his eyes were locked on Pinkie’s light blue pupils.
Why does she keep staring at me? It’s so creepy! That same goofy grin…those wide, innocent, playful eyes…that hyper, bouncy, shaking body…dammit, make her stop staring at me! Josh’s dance moves got faster, his irritation with Pinkie never leaving his eyes beginning to drive him nuts. Her ugly pink color is making my head hurt! But…her eyes…I’ve never been looked at like that before…from anyone! It…it’s almost like…the disappointed look I got from Applejack during last night…or the concerned look I got from Twilight Sparkle…or the longing look I got from Rarity…what is WRONG with these ponies? LOOK AWAY, DAMN YOU!
“Woo-hoo! Yeah, Joshy! You rock!” Pinkie laughed as she watched Josh circle her during his flashy dance moves, very nearly touching her at times on accident. Josh’s plan was to stop looking at Pinkie’s eyes, not enjoying the same feelings he got from the other ponies. However, even though he indeed managed to make her break eye contact when he got behind her, he was left with staring at her shaking rump instead. Things weren’t much better.
Can’t…stop…looking! Oh dear God, I’ve become a pervert! No, no, no, no, NO! I CAN’T be a pervert! Josh was horrified as he strained to look away from Pinkie’s shaking flanks underneath her pretty dress. She’s not even my type! Where’s Rarity when you need her? Dammit, why won’t this song stop? I’m starting to sweat here! Aw, crap, and here I told Pinkie that I’d make HER sweat. Stupid nonsense. Uh-oh, she’s turning around…no, not with those eyes! They’re too cute! Dammit, I hate you, Pinkie Pie!
Pinkie indeed turned around, her body never once losing its momentum. As the song was drawing to a close, Pinkie drew closer to her frazzled stallion dancing partner. She was happy that he could dance and move so quickly; she had to keep up with him to prevent herself from falling behind. She wasn’t sure if he even knew just how amazing he danced and mesmerized her. But, she would make sure Josh got a proper ending to the dance. It was HIS party, after all, and she wanted to make sure he was as happy as could be.
“It’s time for the grand finale, Joshy!” Pinkie shouted, the song nearing its booming end, “Catch me!”
“Catch you? Catch you doing what?” Josh raised an eyebrow, then gasped as the pink pony leaped into the air. She turned a few somersaults, then curled up into a cannonball as she began her descent towards the shocked stallion.
What do I do, what do I do, what do I do? Do I let her drop? Do I run under her? Do I…oh crap, she’s gonna land! His instincts taking over and the song coming to an end, he leaped up onto his hind legs and held out his forelegs. Pinkie Pie dropped right into them like a basketball in a basket.
“Hee, you caught me, Joshy,” Pinkie smiled, her front hooves pressed together in a cute way as Josh held her in his forelegs, “You really know how to sweep a mare off her hoofsies, you know that?”
“Uh…I, uh…well, you see…shut up!” Josh’s face temperature ignited to a burning degree as he stared down at the pretty party pony he was holding. Somehow, he was still standing on his hind legs, apparently too stunned to realize what he was doing. Feeling Pinkie’s silky dress with his hooves made his heart start to beat a mile a minute inside of his chest, and having Pinkie’s face so close to his continued to make the heat in his face produce maximum redness.
What…what’s going on? Why do I keep…feeling this way? I HATE these ponies with a passion! They’re the lamest things in the universe! But…why do I keep…getting all…emotional and stuff…around them? Applejack, Twilight, Rarity, and now this brat! I don’t understand what this feeling is. My heart feels like a herd of butterflies is dancing around it, ready to lift it right out of my chest and through my throat. I can hardly breathe. My face is burning. I can feel my knees…or whatever they are…shaking and trembling beneath me. What is this? Some kind of….magic?
“Tee-hee…Joshy…why are you looking at me like that?” Pinkie tilted her head, the adorable smile still plastered on her face as the little hat fluttered down to the floor a moment later. “Don’t you want to put me down? The song is over. Thank you so much for the dance! You really know how to move your body! It was so cool!”
“Um…thanks, Pinkie…you know how to move…your body…too.” The longer he stared at Pinkie Pie in his hooves, the more he felt inclined to do something. His heart was informing him that there was some kind of instinctual task he should be performing right now, but his mind was lacking in that department, and since he listened to his mind before his heart, he had no idea what to do. All he could do was continue to stare down at the smiling pink pony in his forelegs without a clue.
I never expected…to have such an interesting…dance…with a pony. Josh carefully set Pinkie back down onto the floor, lowering himself off his hind legs as he did so. It felt good to just shake my body and let it all hang out…dancing can do that for a guy. It’s still a girl’s hobby, if you ask me, but…well, I didn’t mind that very much. In fact, maybe I should do it again sometime! I’m glad no one back home saw me doing it, though.
“Joshy?”
“Hmm?”
“Would you like to try opening the piñata now? You’ve already been here over an hour; I don’t want to tie up your whole day.” Not waiting for an answer, Pinkie turned around and ambled back towards the stairs. “I’ll be back in a jiffy with the piñata! Oh, and I should probably change, too. Hang tight, Joshy!” As she vanished up the stairs, Josh’s eyes followed her up every step before he couldn’t see her anymore. What was once her annoying puffy tail was now actually a welcome sight atop that big, pink, squishy rump of hers.
“Why? All I want to know is…why?” Josh hung his head, whispering to himself to try and not let Pinkie hear him. “How can such a place be so…so…pure? Is it…is not really as lame as I thought? Maybe…just maybe…was everything I learned back on my world…WRONG? Maybe…I was living in a dream all along, and…then I woke up. Maybe THIS is my home. A world with no wars. A world with no murders. A world with no rape. A world with…actual love…and friendship. God, if you’re somehow listening to me…is this your plan for me? Is this…right? Is this meant to be?”
You realize you sound like a complete jackass, right?
“Yeah…you’re right…I’m letting these stupid horses get to me.” Josh angrily slapped his forehead with his hoof, frowning down at his body a moment later. “This is NOT meant to be! This world is pathetic! I’m just glad I haven’t been brainwashed just yet; my brain is much too powerful to let that happen! Ha! I really had myself going there for a moment…almost convinced myself that maybe this world wasn’t so bad. I almost turned myself against my home! Stupid, stupid, stupid!” He made a hacking sound and crossed his forelegs over his chest. “I don’t want to spend one more minute as a stupid pony, either! This coat is way too hot, I feel overexposed without clothes, this horn makes me look perverted, my tail is ugly, and I can’t do a damn thing with these hooves! I HATE Equestria!”
“I’m back!” Pinkie’s voice sang, the happy pony bouncing back into the room with the piñata on her back, two wooden sticks tied up along with it. “Ready to get some free candy?”
“So long as I don’t have to wear that freaking blindfold again!” Josh snapped, “I am NOT having you con me into dancing with your sexy butt again just to have it taken off!”
“Aww, Joshy, I would never…wait, what did you just say?”
“I SAID that I am not having you con me into dancing with your annoying ass again just to have it taken off!” The stallion honestly did not realize the slipup he had just made.
“Huh…I could’ve sworn you said…oh, never mind! But, I promise we won’t do that this time. In fact, I’ll wear that blindfold, so YOU can be the one to con ME instead, okay?”
Josh raised an eyebrow in suspicion, trying to see if Pinkie was playing with him again. “Why would you be so willing to put your sight in my hooves?”
“Because I like you, duh! I want us to be friends, and friends trust each other!”
“But, regardless of this party and everything else I’ve done, we STILL have only known each other for about a day now. Not only that, I tied you into a ball while stuffing your face into your own adorable little behind and used you to attack your best friend. What about any of that makes you think you should trust me, huh?”
Pinkie tilted her head to the side, frowning and trying to think if Josh just said what she thought he just said. But, deciding not to dwell on it, she shrugged and answered his question. “No matter who or what you are, love will always find a way! I want to be friends with everypony out there and show them my love! That includes you, Joshy.”
“I’m sure a few rapists and murderers who love dimwitted, gullible girls would LOVE to hear that back on my world,” Josh said sarcastically, but quickly turned back to being serious. “Pinkie, listen to me. I’m NOT a nice person, don’t you understand? I’m not evil by the standards given on Earth, but I’m not really the type of person that you should get to know. Just look at how I treated you and your friends! Doesn’t that mean anything to you? And besides, I’m NOT a pony; I’m a human being, trapped in a pony’s body! Furthermore, what about that Gilda girl? Aren’t I just like her?”
Slowly sliding the piñata and whacking sticks off her back, Pinkie simply continued to smile as she sat down in front of Josh. However, unlike last time, this time she didn’t look sad. She looked determined. “Joshy, listen to me. What happened on Earth happened on Earth, not here. On Equestria, you’re a completely new pony…um, person…whatever. It doesn’t matter how mean you were then; we all get second chances in life, right? Sometimes third and fourth chances, too! I think fifth might be pushing it, though.” Pinkie giggled, then returned to being serious.
“Yeah, you were totally mean to my friends…but, if you seriously did not want to TRY and be friends and TRY to accept love, wouldn’t you have run away by now? See, that’s what Gilda did. Instead of trying to work things out, she left. That’s also how another pony named Trixie acted, too. They always run away instead of staying to face their problems. So, yes, you were mean…but, if you REALLY hated us so much, why are you still here?”
“Uh…because…I have no choice?”
Closing her eyes, Pinkie leaned in and rested her head on Josh’s left shoulder. She smelled like cupcakes and cotton candy, but the smell wasn’t only sweet to Josh’s nose, but it was tantalizing. It was a different kind of aroma that he couldn’t fathom or comprehend. He wasn’t smelling just random pastry goods or other foods; he was smelling Pinkie Pie herself. His heart told him this, but his mind wouldn’t accept it. His mind kept trying to push the thoughts away, but as Pinkie wrapped her hooves around Josh’s middle, his heart was starting to overpower his mind for the first time in his entire life.
“No, Joshy, you DO have a choice. We all have a choice in life. Every decision we make is our choice.” Pinkie nuzzled the side of Josh’s face, softly pressing her body into his as she hugged him tighter. “You WANT to be here. You know you do. Who was the one who told you to come and apologize to me? You were. Who was the one who decided to dance with me when you very well COULD’VE broken your Pinkie Promise? You were. Who was the one who said I had a sexy tushy? You were.”
“I-I-I DIDN’T SAY T-T-THAT!”
Slowly, Pinkie pulled her face around, maneuvering it so she and Josh locked eyes once more, their faces only centimeters apart. Josh couldn’t break Pinkie’s eyesight. “Joshy? If you really, truly, undeniably, without any doubt whatsoever believe that you hate me…then say it to my face. Right now. Don’t even think about it. SAY IT!”
What the hell is she saying?!?! Fine, I WILL say it, you psycho mare!
“I…I…I ha…ha…I hate…” Josh tried to get the words out, but they wouldn’t come. His heart was telling him that it was wrong thing to say. His mind kept screaming at him to say it, but the way Pinkie was holding him…the way she had her beautiful face only micrometers away…the way she was smiling at him and looking determined to prove him wrong…his mouth froze up and the three words never came.
“You see? Even if you WANTED to say it, you didn’t.” Pinkie’s eyes closed, and she leaned forward, pressing her forehead against Josh’s, their noses touching and their mouths very nearly pressing together. Josh could feel Pinkie’s warm breath brushing against his trembling lips. “Thank you, Joshy, for choosing to party with me today.”
“I…I…I…you…are…welcome?” Josh’s voice came out in a very, very weak squeak, or more like a whimper. He was very scared and confused; he feared that any talking at all would cause his lips to move towards Pinkie’s, which would result in something he NEVER wanted to envision. Applejack would kill him right now if she saw him.
“But, like I said, I don’t want to keep you all day…even though that would be totally awesome, hee,” Pinkie whispered, her face not having moved since it was planted against Josh’s, “I’m sorry I don’t have any presents to give you…maybe this piñata will do?” She made a motion towards the piñata on the floor, resting beside the two ponies. Unable to use his willpower to yank his head away from Pinkie Pie, Josh used his eyes instead. The piñata was a giant pink heart with Josh’s name in the center of it.
Okay…so, she either wants to break my heart…she’s insane…or this is supposed to mean something. Eh…I’ll go with insane.
“So…these are called…saddlebags, huh? And ponies wear them to carry things? Kinda like purses back home, I suppose. Dammit, does this mean these ponies are trying to make me more effeminate? I’LL KILL THEM FOR THIS! I LOOK RIDICULOUS!”
Trotting away from Sugarcube Corner twenty minutes later, Josh’s thoughts continued to linger on what had just taken place in the colorful bakery only an hour prior. He had nearly been given a heart attack by Pinkie’s surprise party. He harshly chewed her out and made the earth pony sad. He had gone crazy and devoured a lot of tasty food. He read a letter that reduced him to tears when it made him think of his biological father. He forced himself to apologize to Pinkie. The two ponies had danced together, played pin the tail on the pony together, and ate some more food together. Finally, Josh and Pinkie had shared a great ending to the party by bursting open the pink, heart-shaped piñata.
After Josh and Pinkie had gotten ransacked by mountains of candy, which Josh wondered how it was feasibly possible for that much to fit inside a small piñata, Pinkie had generously given Josh his first saddlebag so he could carry his candy along with him when he left. The party pony showed Josh how it fit, and even though Josh loudly complained about how it made him look girly, Pinkie ultimately won out and got him to wear it. So, when he had been overloaded with candy, Pinkie had given the stallion another big hug and sent him on his way. He felt her slip the letter into his mane, but he decided to keep it secret that he had felt it.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid…this saddlebag is really doing a number on my hips!” Josh whined, squirming a little bit as he awkwardly trotted through Ponyville, unsure about his next destination. “I really should’ve paid more attention in weight training. But, no way was I gonna let that obnoxious pink brat get all that candy. The piñata did have MY name on it, after all. I deserved this candy, so there!”
“Yo, Josh!”
“Oh dear God, already?” Josh’s eyes scanned the area for the location of the voice, but was unprepared for yet another surprise assault by her assailant. As with Pinkie Pie tackling him down, he received the same treatment from a certain cyan Pegasus a split-second later from behind. The powerful tackle resulted in Josh face-planting into the ground and having his candy go flying out of his saddlebag. He felt a flutter of wings somewhere over his head, and soon was met with hooves pressing down onto his back. He realized who it was right away.
“Heh, gotcha!” Rainbow Dash giggled, sitting down on Josh’s back and crossing her forelegs as she proudly kept her prize pinned. “You’re really slow, you know that? It’s probably a good thing you can’t really use your wings. I’d fly circles around you and make you crash in ten seconds flat.”
“Speaking of flat…I’m gonna flatten your FACE if you don’t get your blue butt off me this instant!” Josh snarled, trying to buck the rainbow Pegasus off his back, but froze up when he saw that his spilled candy was being scooped up by eager passerby ponies. “HEY! PUT THAT DOWN! THAT’S MY CANDY!”
“Like, not anymore!” a small filly around the age and height of Apple Bloom sneered. “These were on the ground, so that means they’re MINE now! Finders keepers, losers weepers.” It was at this moment that Josh got a better look at the ponies scooping up his candy. He realized that they were all young ponies. Fillies and colts very similar to the Cutie Mark Crusaders. There was only one older pony in the group. Josh figured he was either looking at a large family, or a class of students.
“Oh, hey there, Cheerilee!” Rainbow Dash laughed, waving her hoof to the magenta mare that was watching the fillies and colts around her eagerly pounce on the spilled candies. “You and the class on a field trip or something?”
“Yep, that’s right!” the pony known as Cheerilee said cheerfully, trotting over and showcasing a very bright smile to the blue mare. “Today, I’m taking the class to see an exclusively new area that just opened up near the Everfree Forest! It’s already been examined and cleared by safety professionals, so there shouldn’t be any cause for concern. This is a great chance for the class to broaden their horizons and…oh? Who’s this?” She just noticed that Rainbow Dash was sitting on a rather annoyed stallion. “Oh, I remember you! You’re the colorful and interesting alicorn stallion that Apple Bloom and her friends dragged off to Applejack’s home yesterday! It’s so lovely to meet you!”
“Likewise. Believe me, when I looked in my first mirror, I said the same exact thing.” Josh’s sarcasm made Rainbow Dash slap her forehead, but Cheerilee just giggled and didn’t seem to mind.
“Well, I’m Cheerilee, and I teach classes over in the Ponyville schoolhouse,” Cheerilee explained, bowing her head and politely offering her hoof to Josh.
Frowning, Josh was about to make a loud statement about how he wasn’t in the mood to shake hooves with a bratty mare sitting on his back. But, given that he was in the presence of young ponies, he decided to keep his temper cooled. He struggled momentarily to lift a hoof with the heavy Pegasus on his back, but soon wrapped his right foreleg around Cheerilee’s extended hoof. “My name is Josh. One of the best names in the universe, I know. Feel free to gush over it, but try not to get drool on my face.”
“Oh, you’re a funny one! I like that in a pony.” Cheerilee gingerly shook Josh’s foreleg and hoof, and when she was let go, the earth pony sat down in front of the stallion. “I have so many questions I’d like to ask you, Josh. But…um, why is Rainbow Dash sitting on your back?”
“Believe it or not, it’s my calling in life! You see, at a young age, my mother always thought that I was just perfect for sitting upon! I was quite tall, and my body was very soft. The only problem was that there was not enough meat on my bones, which worried my mother, since she knew I would be sat upon by much heavier people later in life. As it turned out, through all my years of being pushed around and used as a seat, I’ve grown used to it and my body has been able to sustain damage and punishment to great extent. So, what you see before you today is nothing more than a walking cushion for any and all ponies to take a seat on. Go ahead and try me! Applejack, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash all seem to approve, and I’m sure you will, too!”
As soon as Josh was through with his speech, he noticed that Cheerilee’s entire class had gathered around her. All of the young ponies, including Cheerilee herself, were giving Josh assorted expressions. Some ponies looked amused, some ponies looked apologetic, but most of them looked downright confused. The little filly that had sneered at Josh had a disgusted look on her face, as though Josh was nothing more than a piece of garbage. On the stallion’s backside, Rainbow Dash was slowly shaking her head back and forth, her hoof resting upon her forehead in complete and utter exasperation.
Easing her head down to Josh’s ear, the Pegasus whispered to him. “Josh…dude…it’s incredible how far you’ll stoop to display sarcasm, you know that?”
“It’s a gift, Rainbow Dash. Besides, when you ask a stupid question, you get a stupid answer. That’s how the world works.” When Josh finished whispering back to his unwanted back-sitter, he noticed that he was now surrounded by Cheerilee’s entire class. The rude, stuck-up filly still stood in front of him, while Cheerilee was now giggling off to the side.
“Josh, Rainbow Dash? Could you both please tend to my students for a moment? Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo still haven’t caught up to us yet. They were busy with some kind of project and promised that they would hurry to catch up with the class, but I fear I must go back and check on them.” Cheerilee held a hoof over her mouth as she tried to suppress her chuckles. “Besides, I think my class is very interested in what Josh had to say a moment ago.”
“W-W-W-WAIT, WHAT?!?!” Josh’s jaw dropped to the ground, which was only a few inches to fall, since he was still pinned to the ground by his resident Pegasus sitter. He tried to protest, but the grinning and curious faces of Cheerilee’s students made him nervous and uneasy, and his words got lodged in his throat and were never spoken.
“Can do, Cheerilee.” Rainbow Dash agreed before Josh could properly get a response out. “Joshy boy and I have this covered. Go and get Scoots and her friends and we’ll make sure your students don’t go anywhere, okay?”
“Thanks very much! My students, please behave while I go and get your three missing classmates. Don’t give Rainbow Dash or Josh any trouble, you hear me?” With a little wave to her nodding students, trying to all make themselves look like angels, Cheerilee trotted off. “Tootles!”
How do I get myself into situations like this? Josh sighed, banging his head into the ground, Or, more importantly, why did I have to be raised to never strike a girl? Rainbow Dash is seriously asking for a butt-whipping! I wish I could just buck her off…damn my weak lower body. And just what the hell is THIS brat doing? The same filly with the light purple and white mane continued to stand in front of him. Josh noticed that she wore a tiara on her head, while also sporting a tiara cutie mark on her flanks.
“So…Josh, right?” the filly smirked, casually taking out one of Josh’s candies and dauntingly unwrapping it before tossing the piece of caramel into her mouth. “Mmm…tasty. Thanks for the candy. You WERE the one who dropped them, right?”
“Yes, I did, and they belong to ME! You and your greedy little friends give them back!” Josh growled, not enjoying this filly’s attitude in the least. He deduced that, by her smug expression, her beautiful and carefully-styled pink body, and the tiara on her head that she was either a bully or a queen bee. This was actually new to Josh. Through all of his years of school, most of the girls he encountered actually found him to be hilarious and usually respected him; it was the males that always abused him. He had never really encountered a bratty school female in his life before coming to Equestria.
“Like, sorry, but as I stated before, what I find belongs to me!” The filly sat down on the ground and stuck her muzzle into the air, proudly displaying her arrogance and disregard for Josh’s feelings as she very slowly pulled out yet another candy. It was clear she was trying to rile him up. Before he had time to scream at her, however, the rest of the class began their bombardment of questions and comments to the strange alicorn that they had never seen before.
“Thanks for throwing the candy to us! Did you get them from Pinkie? They taste really good!”
“You’re a…uh…oh, an alicorn! Just like the princesses! Are you related to them?”
“Dark purple is a very pretty color! Ooh, and did Sweetie Belle do your mane? It looks wonderful!”
“Can you show us some of your magic?”
“Is it honestly alright if we sit on you, like you said we could? You do look very comfy.”
“Hey, Diamond Tiara, look! He has no cutie mark! He’s a blank flank, too! Can you believe it?”
This last comment snagged Josh’s attention. Since Rainbow Dash seemed to be amused with the attention Josh was getting and made no attempt to remove her rump from his back, Josh was forced to strain his neck to see who had spoken. The filly who had mentioned that he had a blank flank had a dark gray body, a long light gray ponytail mane, and wore a blue-beaded necklace with blue-rimmed glassed covering her violet pupils. Her cutie mark was a silver spoon.
Whoa…is this girl all about the color gray or something? Wait…actually…it kinda looks more silver, than gray…I guess. Josh tilted his head and stared harder at the filly. Plus…interesting glasses. She looks kinda cute…in a way. But, judging from the tone of her voice…and her appearance…she must be friends with this brat in front of me. I really shouldn’t talk to losers, but…
“Ooh, are you serious, Silver Spoon? Let me see, let me see!” the filly apparently named Diamond Tiara grinned, her smile not very friendly. As she walked towards Josh’s rear, something which greatly annoyed him, he noticed she walked very neatly and precisely, almost like Rarity. This intrigued Josh. The more and more he studied these ponies, the more diverse and different they were turning out to be. Even though he hated them all, this was the first time he had encountered actual rude ponies who were being rude just for the sake of it.
So…their names are…Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon? Wow…LAME names! Josh snickered to himself, even as his bare flanks were admired and soon mocked by both fillies. I REALLY shouldn’t let them get to me. I’m bigger than they are, after all. But, why isn’t Rainbow Dash doing anything about this? So much for trying to be a friend. Hey, Pinkie Pie, knock your friend upside the head for me!
“Yo, girls, leave Josh alone!” Rainbow Dash scolded, glaring down at Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon and shooing them away. “Yeah, so Josh doesn’t have his cutie mark yet. Big deal! You both gonna start picking on him like you pick on Scootaloo, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle? You think that makes you look so much cooler?”
Huh…she actually DOES care…that or she’s just making herself look good in front of me and these stupid, mindless little students.
“Er…sorry, Rainbow Dash…” Silver Spoon slowly backed off, hanging her head and adjusting her glasses with her hoof. “I suppose you’re right. C’mon, Diamond, let’s not be mean.”
“Like, why not? Isn’t he older than us? Shouldn’t he, like, HAVE his cutie mark?” Diamond Tiara argued, casting Rainbow Dash a dirty look of disapproval at being shooed away. “I think it’s positively hilarious how an older stallion, and an alicorn at that, is a blank flank! Hey, Josh, are you a Cutie Mark Crusader, too?”
Don’t lose your temper, Josh…otherwise, you’re no worse than her. She’s just a filly, after all…she doesn’t know any better. Kids are no smarter than rocks. Just let it go…don’t let it get to you…she’ll stop eventually…you’re better than that.
“Ugh, and just LOOK at your mane!” Diamond Tiara whined, trotting back in front of Josh’s enraged face and admiring his hair, “Yeah, it’s totally obvious that Sweetie Belle did this. Only a talentless blank flank could make a mess like THIS!”
Count to ten…nice and slow now. One…two…three…four…
“What’s wrong? Cat got your tongue?” Diamond Tiara’s smug sneer was pushed into Josh’s face. “I don’t care how old you are or what type of pony you are. I’ve never seen you before, you’re a blank flank, I SAW you hanging out with Apple Bloom and her dorky friends, AND you have a hideous coat. Plus, where did you get a name like ‘Josh’ anyway? I think Lame McGee would be a better fit, don’t you think?”
“Hey! Knock it off, right now!” Rainbow Dash angrily got up on all fours on Josh’s back, then stomped up to the stallion’s neck so she could attempt to glare into Diamond Tiara’s face. “Stop being so mean to Josh! He didn’t do anything to deserve that!”
“Like, all I’m saying is the truth,” Diamond Tiara shrugged, taking a tiny step away from Rainbow Dash out of respect for who she was. “Besides, if Lame McGee can’t speak up to defend himself, I think I’m totally justified in…”
“THAT…DOES IT!” Josh roared, bursting up using all of his strength and throwing Rainbow Dash from his body. The Pegasus went flying, while Josh was seething. “YOU!” He pointed a hoof right into the scared Diamond Tiara’s face. “YOU WANT TO HEAR ME SPEAK? FINE, I’LL SPEAK! YOU READY, YOU LITTLE BRAT?”
Terrified out of her mind now that Josh was actually getting serious, Diamond Tiara let out a pathetic whimper as she backed away, her frightful blue eyes locked on Josh’s enraged green ones. “P-p-please, have m-mercy…I-I-I didn’t mean it, I swear!” She tried to jump behind two little colts and use them as a shield, but they quickly pushed her away back towards Josh. The rest of the class, including Silver Spoon, all began to back away from the enraged stallion. Diamond Tiara couldn’t escape.
“I’VE GOT SOMETHING I WANNA SAY TO YOU, AND YOU’RE GONNA SIT YOUR STUCK-UP ASS DOWN AND LISTEN!” Josh raised his left foot and brought it down with a loud crunch in front of Diamond Tiara, scaring the filly even more and making her drop to her rump out of pure terror. “NOW THEN! DO YOU KNOW WHAT I TRULY, TRULY THINK OF YOU?”
“N-n-no…” Diamond Tiara sobbed and curled up into a ball, feeling the breath of Josh’s snarl breathing down her neck as she glowered over her. She didn’t like pain, and she wasn’t going to like this, either.
“WELL, DIAMOND TIARA…I think I love you!”
“I-I-I’m sorry! P-p-please, if you’re g-g-going to hurt me, just not in the…w-w-wait, what?”
Diamond Tiara lifted her head, expecting to see Josh ready to strike her with his hoofed fists, spear her with his horn, cast a powerful spell on her, or in the very least ready to continue his verbal assault. Instead, she found the stallion giving her a wide-rimmed grin. “You heard me. I think I love you!”
Cheerilee’s entire class was in complete shock at the news. Rainbow Dash, who had managed to pick herself up and fly over to try and break up what she had assumed was going to be a fight, was frozen with her mouth wide open as she heard the words she never thought she’d hear from Josh’s lips. All the colts and fillies surrounding Josh were staring at him with blank stares and dumbfounded expressions; they were sure they hadn’t heard him correctly. Silver Spoon, moments ago being scared for her friend, now looked just as confused as the rest of her class. Diamond Tiara herself was probably the most confused of all.
“You see, my dear, it’s very true that you are an insufferable, unbearable, rude, obnoxious, stuck-up, annoying, irritating, egotistical brat,” Josh explained, sitting down and wrapping his left forearm around the pink filly, “I would love nothing more than to fire you out of a rocket launcher at 100 miles per hour and watch you splat against a brick wall, turning you into a filly pancake. Then, I would crush your flat body into a tiny little ball of pain and hurl you over the side of the biggest cliff I could find and listen to the wind carry you down…down…down…until you met your demise at the very bottom.” Josh closed his eyes and sighed, a dreamy look lost in his eyes for a moment as he considered the fantasy. “But…I actually like you, so I’m not gonna do any of that to you.”
“Um…t-t-thank you?” Diamond Tiara, having been scared before, was possibly even worse now at hearing Josh’s deadly threats and fantasies of what he’d like to do to her. Her entire body was trembling as she stared up at the now-menacing stallion. But, his hoof on her back wasn’t cold and forceful. It seemed like he was actually trying to convey his true feelings to her, at least in his own way.
“The thing is, Diamond Tiara, you’re an ornery little brat…but you’ve got spunk, and I really like that. You remind me a lot of myself, but you’re a stuck-up rich girl…at least I’m assuming you’re rich. Me, I’m far different than you, in so many ways. But, what I find interesting…and what I’m continuing to learn more and more the longer I stay on this hellhole of a world…is that you ponies remind me a lot of my real home, and even a bit of myself.”
“Uh…so…you’re not…from around here?” one of the two colts from before asked, tilting his head and giving a dumb expression. His voice instantly irritated Josh; it sounded like a cross between Canadian and a mental patient in an insane asylum. Josh immediately hated the combination.
“That’s right, you silly little fillies and colts.” Josh casually pulled the scared Diamond Tiara even closer to himself, soon pulling her into an unwilling tight hug, as he sat and admired the curious stares he was getting from Cheerilee’s class. “You see, I came here through…a wormhole, I’ll call it. I come from a planet named Earth, which is a very stinky and horrible place. There, I was a human being. But, thanks to our resident zebra hiding in the forest, I was changed to a pony. Okay…it wasn’t exactly her fault…but, since I like blaming others, I’ll just accuse her anyway.”
“That’s not very nice,” the second colt from before scolded, giving a little frown. Just like his cohort, Josh immediately hated his voice. It sounded like a rusty drainpipe fused together with the common cold. Josh seriously wondered why the males in this world were so pathetic.
“But…you’re from another world?” a white filly with curly red hair and big purple glasses gasped, “Thath…tho cool! I’ve never heard of anything like that before!” Josh noticed that this little filly had a lisp, which he immediately sympathized with. When he was little, he had a lisp as well, and it hadn’t gone away until he had gotten to high school. Those were some of the most embarrassing years of his life. He felt sorry for the filly.
“Um…and…why should…we believe you?” Diamond Tiara whimpered, looking up at Josh and pausing her weak struggles to get free from his hug, which had gone completely ignored.
“Because I was there when he appeared, that’s why!” Rainbow Dash walked up and gave Josh a little grin. “Believe me, brat, Josh is who he says he is. We even saw him as a human before he got this COOL pony body.” She put an emphasis on ‘cool’ to signify to Diamond Tiara that she was wrong in saying that Josh looked ugly.
Huh…she’s…she’s really sticking up for me…wait, what was her so-called “element” again? Josh mused, glancing at the blue Pegasus sitting beside him, I really thought she didn’t like me…not that I can blame her. I still hate her and the rest of this world, and I highly enjoyed throwing her off that cliff with Applejack. But…still…instead of sticking by her fellow Equestrians…annoying or not…she’s sticking by me. Weird…very weird.
Diamond Tiara was about to timidly protest again, but her pleas were drowned out by the mob of students that were now gushing over Josh and asking him thousands of questions. Loving the attention for once, Josh began answering any and all questions from the curious and excited students, all the while continuing to hold the squirming Diamond Tiara in his forelegs. Rainbow Dash stayed seated nearby, throwing in random remarks now and then that were either meant to bring Josh up, or were meant to make herself look good for knowing such things about Josh.
Ten minutes later, Cheerilee came trotting back into sight. Behind her was Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, all three looking a little guilty and embarrassed. “Sorry for taking so long! These three insisted on finishing their little project. They made me promise to not reveal what it is, but…” Cheerilee glanced back at the Cutie Mark Crusaders, then glanced to Josh. “…it wasn’t really any of my business to begin with.”
Cheerilee is kinda hot…but her perkiness and her smile really grates my nerves and gives me migraines. But, then again, so do most of these ponies. Josh chuckled to himself as he stared at the school teacher.
“Aww, it’s so very nice to see you all getting along!” Cheerilee gushed, noticing that Josh was still holding the exhausted Diamond Tiara, “Oh! Josh, you and Diamond Tiara became close friends already? That’s super! I’m thrilled just how you’re fitting in with Ponyville and my students!”
“Save…me…please…” Diamond Tiara croaked, but once again her pleas were drowned out by her cheering classmates.
“Joshy? We…we made somethin’ fer ya,” Apple Bloom said shyly, trotting forward while carrying something on her back. Josh observed the object and saw that it was a small wooden box, crafted out of tree branches and rather poorly put-together. The Cutie Mark Crusaders must’ve been in a hurry.
“Yeah, but don’t open it up until we leave, okay?” Scootaloo warned, trying to look tough in front of Rainbow Dash.
“We worked hard on it…we hope you like it,” Sweetie Belle added, sliding an envelope off her back to add to the wooden box. Together with both presents, Apple Bloom presented herself to Josh and held the box and envelope out to him.
“These…are really for me?” Finally letting Diamond Tiara go, the stallion eagerly reached out and grasped the fragile box with the envelope on top. Diamond Tiara gasped in relief, then quickly hobbled over and cowered behind Silver Spoon. She kept her eyes locked on Josh the entire time, most likely to make sure he didn’t try to snatch her up again. Silver Spoon just giggled.
Sitting in the middle of the small mob of ponies, clutching the two presents in his hooves, Josh’s eyes narrowed. His heart was acting up again, pulsating madly inside of his chest. For some reason, he really wanted to cry. Was it because of getting free gifts? Was it because he was the center of attention? Was it because he was finally getting the respect he deserved and hungered for? Or…was it something else? The more Josh thought about it, the more his brain began to hurt. When he lifted his eyes, all he saw was smiling faces around him. Cheerilee, Silver Spoon, the two dorky colts (they had spoken their names were Snips and Snails), the filly with the lisp (she told him her name was Twist), Rainbow Dash, and all the other students. They all…were smiling at him. Just sitting there and smiling at him.
I…I don’t…why? They’re not looking upon me like I’m a freak…except maybe for that cutie, Diamond Tiara. They’re…they’re looking at me like…their equal…or their…friend? No, that’s impossible; you can’t just make someone your friend after one freaking day…or after ten minutes of blabbering about random nonsense! There’s no such thing as a friend. All these ponies care about is my story. They’re fascinated by me…since I’m an alien. It’s like the scientists back home. They could act friendly to an alien, but all they care about is where it came from and what’s inside it. Humph…they don’t care about me…all they care about is my story. No one cares about Josh Schwartz.
“So…yeah…don’t open them now, please,” Sweetie Belle explained, “It’s…kinda embarrassing.”
“Believe me, my dear, if I had wanted to open them, I would have done so already.” Josh’s sarcasm always played a key role in any form of speech he spoke, it seemed.
“Well, I’m afraid we’ve wasted enough of your time, Josh and Rainbow Dash,” Cheerilee said, turning around and glancing towards the Everfree Forest, “We’ll get out of your manes now, alright? But, Josh? If you ever want to visit the schoolhouse, you know where it is, right?” Josh nodded, and Cheerilee gave a little cheer. “Wonderful! Well, do have a good day, okay? Let’s get going, class!”
“BYE, JOSH; THANKS FOR THE CANDY! BYE, RAINBOW DASH!” the entire class shouted at once, save for Diamond Tiara. All the other ponies waved to Josh and the famous blue Pegasus and began to trot away towards the Everfree Forest.
“Goodbye, all of you…have fun, if you can!” Josh called back, snickering to himself.
“Take care!” Rainbow Dash added.
Heh…they weren’t so bad…especially that little Diamond Tiara, Josh smirked to himself, She’s a firecracker! Such a cute little brat. It’s almost like looking in a mirror…hmm? He stopped his usual train of thoughts when he saw that Diamond Tiara had stopped to look back at him. The filly’s eyes, once so filled with fear, were now filled with curiosity. The stallion and filly stared at one another for a few moments, the young girl frowning slightly and the stallion continuing to smirk. Eventually, Diamond Tiara muttered something to herself, adjusted the tiara on her head, then quickly followed after her class as fast as she could.
“I can’t believe how NICE you were to all those students, especially Diamond Tiara!” Rainbow Dash said, laughing and shaking her head as she eyed Josh, “Are you sure you didn’t hit your head or something?”
“Yes, but if you don’t shut up, a certain Pegasus head is looking mighty fine for a bashing instead.”
“Try it, bub! See where it gets ya!”
“Oh, you!” Josh gave a little growl as, for the first time, he decided to do the tackling. He quickly lunged at Rainbow Dash and tackled her down, inciting a squeak of shock and indignation from the Pegasus. Thinking quickly and hurryingly planting his hind legs on Rainbow’s wings to make sure she couldn’t fly away, Josh used his forelegs to pin Rainbow’s as he sat on her chest. “Ha! Gotcha!”
“No fair! Cheater! I totally wasn’t looking! You blindsided me!” Rainbow Dash whined and struggled, trying to throw Josh off, but he weighed more than her and was just as difficult to remove as she was from him. She may as well have been trying to throw a boulder off her stomach.
“It sucks when the tables are turned, doesn’t it?” Josh snickered, slowly leaning his face down to Dash’s. This was possibly the first time he had gotten so close to her, besides the moment when he had crashed down on top of her from Applejack’s face-bucking she had delivered to him. The stallion noticed that she really had beautiful eyes, and her rainbow mane was actually quite stylish. “I think you need to be punished for sitting on me so much and not doing a thing to get my candy back from those students.”
“Oh yeah? And just what are you gonna do to me, HUH?” The cyan mare glared up at Josh, sporting her usual confidence and fiercely trying to intimidate the stallion. She kicked her hind legs as hard as she could, her tail flicking back and forth in irritation as well, but Josh stayed firmly seated on her chest. Her wings fluttered helplessly under his hooves and her forelegs didn’t match the strength of Josh’s.
Rainbow Dash is basically like my brother, Jeremy, from back home. Very slowly, Josh’s grin stretched even wider, an evil glint in his eye as he removed his right hoof from Dash’s left foreleg. She really does remind me of him, in so many ways. Josh lifted his hoof to his mouth and slowly slid it inside, lathering the bottom with his tongue and getting it good and moist with his saliva. So, how do you deal with an arrogant little brat? Why, you fight fire with fire, of course! Josh dragged his hoof out of his mouth and held it off to the side, his sticky saliva oozing over the edges as he had coated the entire thing.
“Er…Josh? What…what are you doing?” Rainbow Dash gulped as she saw Josh’s drool-based hoof. Even though she had one of her forelegs free, she still couldn’t push Josh away.
“Dash…do you know…what a wet willy is?”
Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened in fear, and her struggles maximized to a violent thrashing. “NO, NO, NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! I NEVER LET GILDA DO IT TO ME, AND NEITHER ARE YOU! LET ME GO, NOW!”
“Say your prayers, Dash!” Josh cackled in glee as he eyed the squirming Pegasus’ left ear. “Oh, and while you’re at it, you may need a tissue. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Rearing his head back and letting his evil, maniacal cackle ring through Ponyville, Josh rushed his wet hoof straight into the left ear of Rainbow Dash. As he crammed his slick and slimy hoof deep into the Pegasus’ pointed earlobe, he couldn’t help but sigh in delight over the shrieks of discomfort and agony of defeat coming from the mare beneath him. It felt so good to be on top for once. Rainbow Dash’s ear wasn’t too big, but he managed to shove a bit more of his hoof inside. He wanted to make sure she got the full result of his attack.
Hey, sometimes it’s perfectly fine to be evil! Whoever says otherwise is a liar.
“But I’m just so curious! They did say to open them when they were gone, but I just don’t know. They worked so hard to make these. I feel a little guilty; those fillies are possibly the best ponies in this entire pathetic world, and being given little gifts makes me feel so nervous inside! I never even liked opening gifts on Christmas and my birthday, since it always made me feel guilty, too. I never deserved them.”
“Yeah, no kidding! Now, shut up; I’m trying to come up with a foolproof plan on how to get some revenge on you for the traumatizing thing you just did to me! I’m never gonna get your spit out of my ears, you evil stallion! And you totally messed up my mane; I had in the perfect style I wanted and everything. Oh, and where did you learn to tickle like that? Were you getting lessons from Pinkie Pie?”
“Oh, pipe down; you had all of that coming. Besides, being in your presence is almost punishment enough for me! So, be thankful you got that going for ya. Oh, and no, I’ve always been good at torture. If you really want to keep nagging me, I can show you some other tactics I’ve learned from being on Earth my entire life.”
“Humph.”
One wet willy, harsh noogie, and tickle torture later, Josh was satisfied with his punishment of Rainbow Dash. Abiding by his own rules of never physically assaulting a female, he took pride in knowing that pranks and innocent torture wasn’t the same, and it was perfectly fine. For once, he didn’t actually attempt to harm Rainbow Dash; just make her know that he was there and that she would feel his wrath in one of his favorite forms that didn’t involve violence. It felt good hearing Rainbow’s shrieks and laughs, and even more when she had fainted from all the torture.
After completing his revenge on Rainbow Dash, Josh loaded the two gifts the Cutie Mark Crusaders had given him into his saddlebags. He still had a few bits of candy left, but he was planning on saving them for a special occasion, or just when he was hungry and wanted a snack again. Leaving the moaning blue Pegasus on the ground and paying her any mind, Josh set out to see the final mare in Twilight’s group that he had yet to see that day. His memory informed him that her home was near the Everfree Forest, which is where Cheerilee and her class was heading, too.
While trotting along in higher spirits and soon making his way out of Ponyville, Rainbow Dash had woken back up and insisted on following Josh. Much to the stallion’s annoyance, Rainbow Dash constantly tried to deny that Josh had beaten her. She insisted over and over that she never lost; she just chose not to win sometimes. Her whining forced Josh to try and change the subject to the gifts the Cutie Mark Crusaders had given him, but when dealing with Rainbow Dash, there was no ignoring certain subjects. Josh was learning that the hard way.
“Seriously, would you drop it? I could’ve done much worse to you! Now, shut up and tell me how to get to your dorky little friend’s animal house.”
“HEY! No insulting Fluttershy!” Rainbow Dash flared up and quickly flew into Josh’s face, halting his progress and giving him a stern glare. “She’s sensitive, alright? If you haven’t learned that already, you’d better learn it before going to see her.”
The look in Rainbow Dash’s eyes made Josh intrigued. The Pegasus was bratty, but Josh could almost feel the warmth of her loyalty and passion through her fierce expression alone. It unnerved the former human at being told to his face to respect someone else’s friend, not having been confronted very much about such things. “Hmm, does Fluttershy really mean that much to you, Dash?”
“Are you kidding? ALL my friends mean that much to me!” Dash crossed her forelegs over her chest as she hovered in front of the stallion. She looked determined to drive her point across. “It’s not because Fluttershy is meek and timid that I care for her; I care for her because she’s my FRIEND and that’s all that matters. Well, I’d probably still care for her even if she wasn’t my friend and she was a meek and timid Pegasus who needed a shoulder to learn on…but, all the same, she and I go way back. She’s almost like a sister to me.”
“Ha…a Pegasus sister? So…that would be…” Josh snickered to himself as he thought of the combination of the two words. But, when he saw that Rainbow Dash was cracking her usual grin, he got unnerved once again. “Sheez, alright, I won’t insult her! At least not while you’re around.”
“Not cool, Josh.” Dash placed her hooves on her hips, puffing out her chest and glaring down at the stallion. As though an invisible hand was pushing him down, Josh felt his spine lowering itself to the ground and his head drooping as well. Something about Dash’s seriousness when she was the usual prankster wasn’t sitting well with Josh. “Nope, not cool at all. If I find out that you insulted Fluttershy or made her cry…so help me…” All Dash did was shake her head, her mane very slowly flapping back and forth as the Pegasus closed her eyes.
I…REALLY don’t like the way she said that…Jesus, what’s with her? Josh gulped, feeling a lump tighten in his throat as he tried to force it down. Such blind, stupid loyalty to your friends is retarded! Doesn’t she realize that she can’t read their hearts? How can she be so loyal and caring to them when she doesn’t know what’s on the inside? That’s one way these ponies and I will never see eye-to-eye. Friends are all fake; they just say what you want to hear to make you feel good. That’s not a friend; that’s a faker. These ponies make me so sick with how close they claim to be. Bah, they wouldn’t survive two days on my world.
“Josh, I want to hear a Pinkie Promise out of you.”
“Sorry, I was too busy daydreaming and trying my hardest to ignore you. What did you say?”
“I SAID I WANT A PINKIE PROMISE OUT OF YOU!” Rainbow Dash angrily pushed a hoof into Josh’s chest, forcing him to stagger backwards and once again look slightly nervous at the sudden mood swing. “You spent time with Pinkie, right? She had to have told you the Pinkie Promise! So, before I allow you to continue on to go and see Fluttershy, you Pinkie Pie swear right here, right now, that you will NOT make Fluttershy cry or say ANYTHING mean.”
“Oh, for the love of…”
“DO IT!”
“I am NOT jabbing my eye again! It still hurts from the last Pinkie Promise I did!”
Rainbow Dash’s wings sheathed back into their dormant forms as she landed on the ground. Her eyes casually narrowed into tiny slits as she took a few steps towards Josh. Very slowly, in a nonchalant way, Dash pushed her face in front of the pale stallion’s face. “Do it. Now.” Her voice was direct and serious.
Okay, newsflash…ALL THE GIRLS ON THIS WORLD ARE CRAZY! However, even with Josh’s loud and uproarious thoughts about the Equestrian females and his looks of fright into Rainbow Dash’s face didn’t stop the Pegasus from hounding him for a promise. There’s simply no way out of this, is there? Is seeing Fluttershy REALLY that necessary? I’d honestly much rather just avoid her. She’s the type who’d easily make me blow my top if left alone with me for ten minutes. I HATE meek girls! Why am I poking my eye a second time just for her?
“Cross my heart and hope to fly…” Josh sighed, crossing his chest with his hoof and sitting up tall for Rainbow Dash, trying to make it look like he was taking this seriously, “…stick a cupcake in my MOTHER-LOVING EYE!” His left eye now matched the soreness of his right one after his latest hoof-to-eye Pinkie Promise motion. Josh didn’t want to expand on the pain in his right, so he had made last-second decision to poke his pretend cupcake into his left eye instead. He was now regretting even doing the Pinkie Promise at all just for the sake of making a dumb promise to a blue pony.
Upon witnessing the famous Pinkie Promise used in the typical poor way by newbies, Rainbow Dash gave a victorious smirk as she backed away from the angry stallion. “Awesome. That’s all I wanted to hear, Joshy boy. We can go and see Fluttershy now.”
“Gee, thanks, you’re SO nice. Thank you SO much for giving me permission to see your little yellow friend with the sickeningly-sweet pink mane and the quiet voice! I can’t tell just how freaking grateful I am for getting your undeniably-important permission to go and see her without risk of getting pummeled to death later on. Thank you, Rainbow Dash, SO much for making me poke my eye and putting me in pain.”
“No problem, Josh! That’s what I’m here for.” Rainbow Dash grinned and turned around, stretching her wings and starting to fly ahead. “Now, c’mon, let’s go! This is around the time when Fluttershy feeds all her flying creatures.”
Josh glared at Rainbow’s tush as she vanished down the path leading further away from the hustle and bustle of Ponyville and towards the Everfree Forest. “If I wasn’t so sure this brat was a lesbian, I’d almost be attracted to her. My mother was a tomboy, and this Pegasus strikes me as such. I kinda dig that in a girl…a HUMAN girl. Ugh, great, more weird feelings that I don’t understand. Freaking perfect.”
“Um…excuse me, but…why are you talking out loud to yourself?”
Blinking a few times, Josh shook his head and mentally scolded himself. Glancing to the side, he saw the same lime green unicorn he had seen numerous times before. Usually he spied her in the background with a group of other ponies, noticeably with an earth pony with a cream-colored coat and a blue and pink mane. After pausing for a thought, he remembered that the mayor of Ponyville and Twilight had both called her Lyra.
“Er…maybe I like talking out loud to myself, okay? I enjoy hearing my own voice! You got a problem with that, harp girl?” Josh glared at the green unicorn, glancing at her flank and seeing what he assumed was a harp.
“Lyre girl? My name is Lyra! And I play the lyre, not the harp.” Lyra tapped her chin and stared curiously at Josh. “Say…wait a minute…your voice sounds so familiar!” She gasps and pokes her head, as though suddenly realizing something. “Were you that human that tried to ride me yesterday after you started a riot in town square? You are, aren’t you!”
Oh…right…that was THIS girl…I really should’ve remembered that. Josh glanced up at the sky and rolled his eyes, silently cursing himself. It’s not my fault, though; all these damn ponies look alike. All with stupid tattoos on their butts, horns on their heads, and mouths that won’t shut the hell up.
“Look…Lyra…I’m sorry for trying to ride you the other day. I mean, you were a terrible horse to ride. Not at all comfortable and rather very whiny; not my cup of tea. So, I’m very sorry for thinking you would’ve been a great horse to ride out of Ponyville. That was a bad judge of character on my part. But, yes, that was indeed me.”
Lyra slowly dipped her head slightly, a deep glare formulating on her face. “I don’t find you funny, you rotten boy.” She very slowly trotted closer to the stallion. “You were very rude to all the ponies in Ponyville, and you not only scared me to death, but you nearly broke my back by trying to ride me!” She slowly pawed at the ground, as though getting ready to charge, her horn continuing to lower towards Josh’s eye level. “So, what are we going to do about this? If I tell Bon-Bon, she will NOT be happy. Believe you me, she can be scary when she’s mad. I suggest you apologize to me, right now, before I have to show you what happens when you hurt an innocent pony like me who has a very loving pony mare-friend back home just waiting to teach you a lesson!”
Holy crap! What the hell is her problem?!?! I’m about to get my ass kicked by a pony…AGAIN! Josh growled and slowly backed away, keeping his eyes locked on Lyra at all times. Dammit, I don’t deserve this! Horses are MEANT to be ridden, right? Ugh, never mind that; I am NOT getting my ass handed to me by yet another freaking pony, especially a weak unicorn! Rarity was scary enough! As he continued to back away, sweat starting to protrude down the nape of his neck, he suddenly realized something that Lyra said that could potentially save him from another beating.
“Uh…wait!” Josh bravely halted in his tracks, planting his rump on the ground and holding a hoof in front of him to try and stale Lyra. “How did you know I was a human being? As far as I know, ponies don’t know what humans are. I’m from another world, you know.”
Lyra paused, raising an eyebrow curiously as she pondered Josh’s question. She considered ignoring him and continuing to demand an apology before kicking his ass, but being the good-natured noble she was, she decided to humor him. “Well…I don’t really know!” She gave a sly grin, playfully batting some of her grayish cyan mane out of her eyes. “Maybe I was a human in another life or something. I just think about them now and then. I know they exist, but I’ve never seen one before. Bon-Bon says I show odd mannerisms sometimes that I think are akin to a human’s. Isn’t that something?”
…is this girl for real?
“Humans are so strange…I think.” Lyra sat down and casually rested her hoof against her chin, lost in thought and no longer showing any signs of vengeance. “I’ll admit, it was interesting to see one in Equestria. I figured we would one day, but Bon-Bon never believed me. I suppose I SHOULD be thanking you for making my prediction come true…but, you are a very mean boy, so I don’t think that will be happening without an apology.” Her serene face shifted once again back to dark and annoyed, her orange pupils boring into Josh’s eyes and sending a shiver down his spine.
Crap. Okay, that worked…for a moment. This girl is creepy and downright insane, but I need another distraction! So much for humans. Er…uh…wait, did she say…mare-friend? AW, SWEET! I GOT HER!
Giving a perverted and somewhat sneering grin, Josh crossed his forelegs and casually brushed off Lyra’s glares. “Say, Lyra…did you say that you had a ‘mare-friend’ back home named Bon-Bon? Since a mare is a female, and I think the human word ‘girlfriend’ is translated as ‘mare-friend’ here, does that mean…”
“Yes, Bon-Bon is my mare-friend, and I love her!” Lyra snapped, rising to her hooves as quick as a wink and angrily stomping right over to Josh in three long strides. “I suppose you’re going to say it’s disgusting and creepy, right? I suppose you’re going to call me a ‘filly-fooler’ and insist that I need to get my head checked, right?”
“Er…”
“Well, let me tell YOU something, buddy. I don’t CARE what you think! Sure, it’ll hurt when you say it, but Bon-Bon and I have heard it all before. We try to ignore the taunts and sneers and hurtful words, but it’s hard. We could care less what they all say, but that doesn’t mean we don’t feel the scorn of so many others mocking our relationship. She and I love each other and that’s all that matters!”
“Uh…”
Lyra, not done talking, shoved her face right into Josh’s, their noses touching and her eyes full of rage as she demanded the stallion’s full attention. “Does it really matter what gender or race you are? Does it matter how you act or what you say that makes you so much better than everypony else? NO! Love is love, and my heart belongs to Bon-Bon. It did from the very moment I laid eyes on her.” Tears began to swell in Lyra’s eyes. “Go ahead. Say that you hate my kind. Say that I’m gross and sick. Make a wish that we die and go burn. If it makes you feel better, do it.”
Josh couldn’t believe what he was hearing. His first thoughts were that Lyra was simply mentally unstable from her different mood swings and that she needed therapy. At first, he found the thought of two female ponies actually being mates hilarious, since he had honestly never known any lesbian couples back home, despite the fact they weren’t that rare. However, the more he got chewed out by Lyra and heard the passion in her voice for her mate, the more Josh’s heart scolded him to keep his mouth shut and not say anything rude.
Such devotion and love…towards a pony of the same gender? Well…I never really EVER had a problem with gays or lesbians…my mother did, but I never did. Josh hung his head, averting his eyes from Lyra’s scorn for a moment as his thoughts poured into his head. Does she and this Bon-Bon girl really get treated so badly just because they love each other and they both happen to be girls? That’s…that’s wrong. These ponies may be pathetic and stupid, but…that’s just…wrong. Josh shook his head, growling to himself. So…this world DOES have homophobes? I guess…maybe it’s not so different from my world…after all. Huh…imagine that…
Josh slowly raised his head back up, staring back into Lyra’s fiercely determined eyes. He could almost feel the passion emanating from her poised body. The tears gently seeping down her cheeks and the dark frown plastered on her face made Josh see just how strongly she felt about her beliefs and her mate. Slowly, the stallion’s thoughts recollected a memory of a conversation he had with his mother about this very subject. It wasn’t pretty.
~~~
“Can you believe this woman at Goodwill? She was actually flirting with another woman right in front of me!” Josh’s mother shook her head in disgust, brushing some of her long, black hair out of her face as she sat down in her favorite rocking chair to read the day’s mail. “It’s so disgusting. In public, no less!”
“What’s wrong with that, mom?” Josh walked into the room, the 13-year-old boy slightly confused as to why his mother was acting so repulsed.
“Because, Josh, it’s wrong and immoral. Gays and lesbians are disgusting. It’s just like blacks marrying whites. It’s not how love is supposed to work. It says so in the bible. God isn’t happy with people who do such things. I’m afraid they’re going to Hell.”
“Aw, c’mon, mom, that’s just cold,” Josh whined, putting his hands behind his back and nervously kicking at the floor. He really felt nervous ever disagreeing with his mother. She was the only proper family he had, and if he ever dared go against what she said, he would be in trouble. “Who cares who loves who? And not everything in the bible is true. God didn’t make the bible so we’d follow it word for word, right? It says that men shouldn’t have long hair, but his own son, Jesus, had long hair!”
“So, you want to have a black girlfriend then?” Josh’s mother glared at Josh, her cold frown instantly freezing and scaring Josh into submission. “No son of mine is going to have a black girlfriend. You’re not gay, are you?”
“NO!”
“Good. And don’t you dare talk about God that way. He’s watching you.”
“Yes, mom…” Josh slowly slunk out of the room, still shivering from the evil look his mother gave him. He loved her to death, since she was all he had, and he would always listen to her. But, deep in his heart, he didn’t understand. When he was out of the room, he sighed to himself. “Let people live the life they want to…love is love. That’s all that should really matter.”
~~~
“Well? Aren’t you going to insult me?”
“Huh?” Josh shook his head to clear another painful memory. Lyra was still glaring at him and demanding an answer. “Oh…uh, well…” The stallion paused, gulping and nervously looking around. He was so used to having his mother glaring at him, demanding the best of him, always wanting him do the ‘right thing’. He never did drugs, he never drank alcohol, he passed every grade in school, but…he never wanted to be perfect. And he refused to cower behind his invisible mother. “No, Lyra, I have no problem with you and Bon-Bon being mates. In fact, I’m happy for you! You both sound like a really cute couple!”
Lyra was about ready to apparently spear Josh with her horn, but upon hearing his words, her eyes fluttered in surprise and she paused in her attempt at revenge. “Ah…oh? So…really?”
“Yep, really! I have absolutely nothing against…mares liking mares, or even stallions liking stallions! I’m proud of you both for standing up for what you believe in, too! Good on ya!”
Apparently, these words were not expected. Lyra was completely stunned to find a pony, a stallion no less, happy with the fact that she was with a mare. She considered the thought that it was because he was a human and thus perhaps his mindset was different than a pony’s. But, either way, a bright smile soon blossomed on Lyra’s face as her eyes went away from their death glare and sparkled into a look of joyous appreciation instead.
“Thank you. That…that really means a lot…human boy.”
“My name is Josh, okay? Got it memorized?”
Lyra rolled her eyes, but gave Josh a little nod anyway. “Josh, got it. Um…well, it’s good to know that Bon-Bon and I at least have one more supporter who doesn’t care about our relationship.” Her smile shrank slightly. “But, Josh, I still didn’t get an apology…”
Sighing and hanging his head in defeat, Josh slowly reached back into his saddlebag and pulled out two more pieces of his dwindling pile of candy. Slowly, he handed them over to Lyra. “Here, Lyra. Take one home to Bon-Bon for me as a little gift. I’m sorry…I guess…for hurting your back.”
Lyra looked down at the two pieces of candy, then grinned and gave Josh a little wink. “Annnnnnd…?”
Josh grit his teeth and glared at Lyra, ready to strangle her. “And…for causing a riot and for upsetting the other ponies.”
“Good boy.” Lyra giggled and eagerly stuck the pieces of candy into her mane for safekeeping. “Thanks so much for the candy, Josh! Bon-Bon is a candy maker, so I know she’s gonna be thrilled!” She took a few steps back and smiled a little. “But, I really should be going now. I came out here to pick some flowers in the meadow for Bon-Bon, and you sidetracked me. I AM really curious about humans, though. Maybe later on you can stop by and talk to me about them? I can introduce you to Bon-Bon and stuff.”
“Yeah, sure, whatever. Now please leave before I lose my patience. I usually can only stand you ponies for so long before I start seeing red.”
“Suit yourself, Mr. Grumpy.” Lyra playfully stuck out her tongue at Josh, then gave one last chuckle before turning on her hooves and trotting off in another direction, presumably towards the meadow. “See you later, Joshy! Take care of yourself!”
Go jump off a cliff, Lyra! Josh’s deadly thoughts made him smirk as he waved to the vanishing lime green unicorn. When she was finally out of his sight, he sighed and checked his saddlebags. He only had six pieces of candy left to go with the two presents from the Cutie Mark Crusaders. It just wasn’t his day.
“YO! JOSH!” The stallion really should’ve seen the tackle coming, but yet again was surprised and face-planted into the ground as the familiar Pegasus shocked him from behind. “What the hay are you doing? I was all the way to Fluttershy’s and was busy bragging to her about my heroism at that illegal cupcake operation we busted up earlier, and then I noticed you weren’t with me to back up my story! What gives? You chicken out on seeing Fluttershy?”
Urge to maim and kill Rainbow Dash…rising.
“Oh, I see, you just didn’t want to lose to me in a race, right?” Rainbow Dash giggled and playfully gave Josh a noogie, bouncing into the air a moment later and allowing the angry stallion to rise to his hooves. “Well…guess what? You would’ve lost anyway!” She reared her head back and laughed, Josh wanting nothing more than to use Rainbow Dash as a football and punt her all the way across Equestria. “Now, c’mon, we’re wasting time! Fluttershy is really excited to see you!”
Just as excited as I am to kick your ass, Dash.
“Okay, I’ll give you a fair warning this time. On your marks, get set, GO!” Rainbow Dash took off almost as soon as she began counting, leaving Josh behind in a cloud of dust and enraging him even more.
I wonder how many years you receive for pony murder here? Josh slowly began trudging along after the speedy Pegasus, really not so enthused anymore about seeing her yellow counterpart. Her conversation with Lyra was still fresh in his mind, and as he ambled his way towards Fluttershy’s cottage, he couldn’t help but continue making similarities and differences between both his world and this one.
One anger-filled and stressful stroll after the giggling Rainbow Dash and Josh soon found himself at a lovely little cottage that he instantly remembered to be Fluttershy’s. Not only had he been introduced to the little shack during his tour of Ponyville, but Josh remembered seeing a glimpse of the home when he entered and exited the Everfree Forest. As he proceeded to trot upon Fluttershy’s property, it was the first time that Josh finally took notice of just how strong the place smelled of animals.
“Smells like pet spirit,” Josh joked, snickering a little bit as he glanced at Rainbow Dash. The Pegasus gave him a blank stare in return, and Josh realized that his punned reference fell on deaf ears. “Ugh, it’s in times like this that I miss the human race…something I thought I’d ever say.”
“Yeah…well then…welcome to Fluttershy’s house, Josh.” Rainbow Dash idly cast a hoof in front of the tranquil cottage. “This is where our resident animal caretaker lives. Fluttershy should be in the back, taking care of her flying animals right now. I was visiting with her a little bit when I noticed that you hadn’t followed me, so she’s expecting you.”
“Goody. Forgive me if my enthusiasm seems curbed and uninterested.”
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and let out a little huff, flapping her wings and flying over to push her face back into Josh’s. “Just remember what you promised, hotshot. You are not to insult or hurt Fluttershy in any way shape or form, you got that? She’s kinda difficult to deal with sometimes, true…but, we love her and care for her deeply, so you’d better watch yourself around her.”
Wrinkling his nose, Josh gently placed his right hoof on Rainbow Dash’s mouth and pushed her back. “If you ask me, your breath will offend the silly yellow pony much more than I will. You might want to check into a little something called ‘toothpaste’ and ‘floss’, not to mention ‘breath mints’, okay?”
“I hate you so much.”
“The feeling is mutual. Now, you may as well take me to see Fluttershy before I get annoyed.”
“Just follow me and shut up.” Rainbow Dash grumbled to herself and turned around, flapping her powerful Pegasus wings and leading Josh around the side of Fluttershy’s house. Josh couldn’t help but smirk when he saw Dash breathing into her hoof and then holding it up to her nose, checking to see if the stallion’s insult was justified. From the look on her face, Josh realized she might need a trip to the dentist later on.
When Dash led Josh around Fluttershy’s house, the stallion’s eyes shot open and his jaw dropped at the sight he got to behold. He had no idea just how much Fluttershy cared for animals. The entire area behind Fluttershy’s house seemed to be inhabited by nothing more than animals, animal homes, animal toys, and everything else related to creatures. Josh’s eyes fell upon trees with many nests littering the branches and holes burrowed into the trunks. He saw a large chicken coop, a giant avian house in another tree, a large field overrun with critters big and small, various sizes of holes in the ground, and much more. Josh was starting to wonder if it might be easier to point out animals that Fluttershy didn’t have rather than pointing out ones she did.
“Sweet mother of Jesus…it looks like a zoo back here!” Josh peered curiously into one of the holes on the ground, letting out a loud squeak of shock when a gopher poked its head out to give a cheery hello. “I swear, I’ve seen wildlife reserves that don’t have this many critters!”
“Pretty cool, huh? That’s Fluttershy for ya.” Rainbow Dash grinned, flying upside down on her back as she lounged in the air. “You see, she and I were once residents of Cloudsdale when we were fillies. However, while I was participating in a race…which I won easily, thanks for asking…Fluttershy got knocked down to the ground, which is where she got her cutie mark. She found her passion for making animals like her and all that stuff.”
“Ah…so THAT’S what her stupid tattoo represents,” Josh muttered, “For a little while, I was thinking her butterflies meant that she was a lesbian, just like you.”
“Did you say something? I can’t hear your whispering.”
“Nope, nothing important! Now, where IS our little yellow pony, hmm?”
“Um, right here.” Josh whipped his head around and saw the timid Fluttershy standing right behind him. She was carrying a basket of birdseed on her back, and one of her bangs of her pink mane was draped over her left eye. The mare wore a shy smile as Josh finally took notice of her. “Er…hi there, Fluttershy.”
Oh, crap, did she hear what I said? Well…who cares if she did! She is TOTALLY a lesbian! I mean, just look at that hairstyle! Plus, her timid and meek voice, and the way she’s always looking at the ground when she’s in the presence of females! It’s so clearly obvious; who cares if she heard? It’s the truth!
“Hi there, Josh.” Fluttershy trotted up to the stallion, making barely a sound as her hooves touched the ground with each gentle step. “I’m really glad that you decided to come here to visit…you didn’t have to, you know…”
“Duh, I know that! I mean, no offense, but you…” Josh paused before he could speak his insult. He was reminded of the promise he made to Rainbow Dash, and even though he had no problem breaking promises back home on Earth, he didn’t really want to break one that he made to a rather serious blue Pegasus. Plus, the loud coughing he heard from behind him via that same cyan mare made him think twice, too. “…I mean, it was no problem at all. I already visited your friends, so…it’s only fair that I came to see you, too, right? Thanks for having me.”
At first, Fluttershy looked slightly nervous and was even backing up a little at the thought of getting insulted. However, when Josh swallowed his intended speech and instead replaced it with some kind words, her smile returned and she gave a little bow of her head. “You are very welcome. Um, I just got done feeding the birds…could you wait here while I put the birdseed away? That is, if you’re okay with waiting…I don’t want you to get impatient”
Josh groaned and felt like banging his head against a tree. “Are you serious? Fluttershy, for God’s sake, why do you talk so…” Once again, another loud and somewhat harsher cough rang out from behind his back, and Josh caught himself from speaking insulting words once more. “…why do you talk so hesitantly? I came here to visit you, not to put a clock on your head and make you hurry just to give me your full and undivided attention. Go on and do what you need to do; I’ve got Dash to torture in the meantime, anyway, so it’s cool.”
Fluttershy, again expecting to be scolded and insulted, couldn’t help but give Josh a thankful smile when all he did was assure her that he wasn’t going to get impatient. Despite his talk of torturing Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy couldn’t help but give a little giggle; from the tone of Josh’s voice, she knew that he was joking. “Okay. You and Rainbow Dash please sit tight; I’ll be right back after I put this away.” The Pegasus gave one more little bow to Josh, then trotted away towards a large shed, which Josh assumed was where she kept a lot of animal food and supplies.
“Torture me, will ya?” Rainbow Dash’s amused voice said, making the hair on the back of Josh’s neck bristle. “We’ll see about THAT!” However, Josh was ready this time. When Rainbow Dash attempted another tackle on the stallion, she squeaked when her hooves grasped nothing but air and she found herself smashing down hard onto the grassy terrain. Josh quickly leaped on top of her a second later, effectively pinning her down and finally escaping from one of her tackles. “Hey! No fair!”
Humming to himself and ignoring Rainbow Dash’s cries, Josh thought about how his brother had always used to torture him back home. The thoughts of being sat on and tortured made Josh cringe, but with every thrash and yelp of defiance from the Pegasus underneath him, Josh realized that this type of torture was justified. After all, Rainbow Dash had attacked him, so this was just self-defense, was it not? Josh kept telling himself that as he flipped Rainbow Dash over and sat gently on her chest.
“Now then, my loud and obnoxious brat who can’t seem to keep her hooves off me, shall we make your right ear match your left?” Josh slid his left hoof into his mouth and ran his tongue over the edges, letting his saliva moisten and dampen it as he prepared himself for another Rainbow Dash punishment.
“WHAT?!?! OH MAN, NOT AGAIN!”
“Yep, again! Suffer, Dash!” Imitating his evil cackle from before, Josh shoved his wet hoof into Rainbow Dash’s right ear. As her cries of distress and discomfort filled the air, most of the nearby animals looked up in concern and glanced over at the two ponies. When they saw that Josh was simply giving Rainbow Dash a wet willy, they turned away and went back to playing or sleeping or eating.
Man I love torturing Rainbow Dash…she just BEGS for it! Josh sighed happily as he crammed his hoof deeper into Dash’s ear, her shrieks and shouts of revenge being music to his own ears. She’s such a playful scamp. I kinda wish there were more girls like this back on my home world; most of the female humans I know are such emo and serious brats who only care about texting and talking on cellphones. I’m honestly glad those cursed devices aren’t in this world. They ruin people.
“Um…Josh? What…what are you doing to Rainbow Dash?”
With half of his hoof crammed inside Dash’s ear, Josh slowly lifted his eyes away from the squirming Pegasus beneath his body to see that Fluttershy had reentered the scene. She was watching the stallion pin her friend down with concerned eyes and a troubled frown; Josh figured it was because she never really got into any rowdy situations in her lifetime. The former human couldn’t help but chuckle a little bit; seeing Fluttershy frown was rather cute.
“Don’t worry your curly little head, Fluttershy,” Josh said quickly, playfully giving Rainbow Dash a hard noogie before leaping off her body, his hoof popping out of her ear at the same time, “I was just playing with her.”
“Okay…but why was your hoof in her ear? Was there a piece of dirt stuck inside?”
“No, I was trying to see if I could feel her brains, but since she doesn’t have any, I felt nothing but an empty skull. Kinda interesting, once you think about it.”
“HEY! NOT COOL, JOSH!” After violently shaking her head to clear the spittle out of her right ear, Rainbow Dash’s face flushed and she shook a hoofed fist in Josh’s face. “I do so have brains! You’ve just earned yourself a good pranking. Just you wait, buddy boy; when you least expect it, I’m gonna prank you good! I learned from Pinkie Pie, so you’re in one for heck of a ride!” The Pegasus’ mouth curled into an evil smirk as she rubbed her hooves together, confident that Josh would be scared of her threat.
“Ooh, I’m SO scared, Rainbow Dash!” Josh hugged his body and let out a rather exaggerated gasp of fear. “You’re going to prank me to death! Fluttershy, please, talk some sense into your friend! She’s gone mad and I think I could be in real danger!”
“Um…”
“Don’t think Fluttershy is gonna help ya, Joshy! Once I’m through with you, you’re going to lose a lot of sleep at night. You’ll be tossing and turning and worried sick about the most awesome prank ever pulled off! It’ll scar you for life! It’ll make your skin crawl! It’ll haunt your nightmares and…”
“…say, Rainbow Dash?” Josh interrupted, holding up a hoof to silence the over-excited mare, “I heard that the town was looking to give you a reward for apprehending the illegal cupcake operation members. Maybe you should head back to claim it before they give it away to someone else?”
“A REWARD?!?! YES! I’M SO THERE!” Without a second to think about it and without so much as giving a wave goodbye, Rainbow Dash eagerly zoomed away back to Ponyville. A snickering Josh and a glaring Fluttershy was left in her wake.
“See what I mean? No brains!” Josh laughed his head off, sitting on the ground and slapping at the knees on his hind legs. When he saw that Fluttershy wasn’t laughing with him, and was even glaring at him, he shook his head. “What’s up your yellow butt? That was funny!”
“You lied to her.” Fluttershy’s voice came out soft, but stern and to the point. It was almost enough to chill Josh to the bone, even though she spoke in basically the same way as she always did.
“Uh…well, yeah…but, it was just a little white lie to get her out of here…come on, everyone tells white lies! You can’t scold me for THAT!”
“I suppose I can’t…I’m sorry for getting mad.” Fluttershy let out a soft sigh and shook a few curls of her mane out of her face as she trotted up to Josh. “I just…don’t like to see my friends hurt. And when I see somepony take advantage of them…it makes me…upset.”
“That’s sickeningly sweet, but give me a break, girl! It was just a little lie; it can’t hurt her!”
“Just like all the other mean things you’ve said and done can’t hurt, either?”
Josh’s ears drooped as he saw Fluttershy stare into his eyes. Her expression was so gentle and so warm, but the stallion still felt so nervous from the Pegasus’ eyes. He didn’t understand why he felt so chilled and unnerved just from her stare. She spoke in such a soft and silky voice that he was shocked he wasn’t just completely ignoring her out of sheer annoyance. There was something about her strong cyan eyes that mystified and rattled him. It was like on the outside she was a rabbit, but on the inside she was a lion. Josh couldn’t pull his gaze away from her.
Damn…is just an act? I…I can’t back down from this stare…I can’t pull away! She…she makes me so freaking nervous! It’s like…staring into a…a…I don’t know! She’s so frail, and so weak, and so puny, and so timid, and so…pathetic! But…I can almost sense the strong passion and fortitude emanating from within her…all from these eyes. These dark, beautiful, haunting, chilling cyan eyes…
“Josh? I want you to apologize to Rainbow Dash for tricking her and for giving her…um…whatever it was you said you gave to her. Is that clear?” Fluttershy’s voice entered Josh’s head, although her hypnotic stare continued to force him to stare straight ahead without moving a single inch.
“…yes, Fluttershy, as you wish.”
“And…if you could…would you please not be mean to them when you’re with me? I…I can’t stop you from doing things…when I’m not there, of course…but, when I’m with my friends, could you pretty please be just a little bit nicer?”
“…yes, Fluttershy, your wish is my command.”
“Thank you very much, Josh.” Her warm and shy smile returned to her face as she took a step back, her pupils glancing down at the ground. As soon as the stare was broken, Josh instantly raised his hooves to his eyes and gently rubbed the folds of his eyelids. What had just happened?
Dear lord…what was THAT all about? It was like…some kind of trance. My brain felt all fuzzy, like it was turning into jelly. My heart seemed to beat slower, and I could barely breathe. My eyes felt like they were on fire as Fluttershy stared into them. I…I couldn’t stop looking into her eyes. My whole body got paralyzed and my mouth ran dry. What…what…no, WHO is this Pegasus? Is she…really as meek as she lets on? I think there’s more to this girl than first meets the…eye.
“Er…Fluttershy?” Josh finally found his voice, his nervous question slipping off his tongue almost in complete and utter hesitance. This was one of those rare moments where he actually felt scared to talk in the presence of a pony. The pony whom he was scared of wasn’t one he had ever thought he WOULD be scared of, too.
“Yes, Josh?” Fluttershy nervously lifted her head back up, the confident and commanding gaze no longer seen in her eyes. She looked just the same as she had when Josh first came to Equestria. Josh waited for a few seconds, staring at Fluttershy and waiting to see if the same fuzzy and ominous feeling came over him, but it never did. Whatever Fluttershy had done to put him under her spell, it was over now.
“Uh…it’s nothing…never mind,” Josh whispered, deciding to not bring it up and make Fluttershy angry or upset again, “But, uh…anyway…want to show me around? I really do love animals and I’d love to see your furry friends. Cats are my favorites.”
Her face instantly perking up, Fluttershy broke out into a happy smile as her wings stretched out and she did a little twirl in the air. “Oh, Josh, that’s lovely! But of course you can have a tour of my home. We’ll visit all the animals that I have and you can become friends with them! There are plenty of precious kitties around here, too, for you to snuggle and hug and get close to.”
Well, THAT was a complete 180. What the hell is up with this strange mare? Josh eyed the hovering yellow Pegasus in the air, examining her happy smile and the way her eyes continued to change from emotion to emotion. He now saw joy in her eyes. First was nervousness when I came here. Then, there was confusion when I played with Dash. After that, I saw a gentle anger in her eyes, which then turned into…whatever the hell that hypnotic look of hers was. But now, she’s happy! Good lord, I hate to see her cry!
“Well, what are we waiting for, my birthday?” Josh said sarcastically, trotting up to the yellow pony, “Start showing me around. But, I must warn you; if any of your animals bite me, I’m gonna have to sue you. I hope there are some good lawyers around here.”
Fluttershy’s eyes fluttered shut as she let out a gentle giggle, the sound almost making Josh want to blush. His heart wanted to melt as well, but after angrily hitting his chest, his heart stopped wanting the feeling. “Oh, Josh…you don’t have to worry. All my little animal friends are very sweet and kind; they would never harm another living creature. Just have faith and trust me, please.” The Pegasus beckoned for Josh to follow her and she began to fly away towards the trees with the bird nests.
Ugh…I’m being nice…to HER? This is so disgusting. Josh muttered to himself as he forced his legs to move, his eyes following Fluttershy’s graceful form. This girl is so disgustingly-sweet that it’s enough to give a person diabetes! She’s so graceful and elegant, so gentle and caring…ugh! I just want to strangle her…but at the same time, I want to strangle MYSELF for thinking such a thing! Have I lost my mind? Josh’s eyes trailed down Fluttershy’s tail until it reached her rump. Plus…why is it that all these females have such lovely rear-ends? I think Queen would love to see them, since all they sing about is fat-bottomed girls riding on bikes. The human race could learn a thing or two about staying fit from these ponies, THAT’S for sure.
“Now, Josh, over here we have my lovely bird friends, who…um…may I ask what you’re staring at?” Fluttershy was hovering in front of the tree full of nests and, after noticing Josh’s poignant stare directed at her tush, she tilted her head and nervously craned her head back. “Oh…is there something on my tail? Do I have mud on it? I just took a bath an hour ago; I always take one before and after tending to my animals. It’s always nice to be clean and show the animals just how much I care for them in a squeaky clean body…and then take a bath right afterwards, since they usually enjoy playing with me after I feed them and give them hugs.”
“Er…no, there’s nothing wrong with your…tail.” Josh coughed and mentally scolded himself for staring at yet another pony’s rear-end. “I was just…uh…well…” He paused and desperately tried to think of a way of gently informing a girl that you were just staring at her butt. “I think you’re…uh…really skinny?”
“Oh! Um…okay? But…how would that…um…why would you…what?” Fluttershy was confused as to why staring at her tail would lead Josh to the consensus that she was really skinny, when he could just look at her normally and see the same thing.
“Uh…yeah! Your tail…is really long, and…” Josh fought hard to keep speaking random sentences to try and put together a bogus story for why he had been looking at Fluttershy’s butt. “…and…well, when you take the circumference and multiply it by the radius off your lovely little posterior, it allowed me to find your height just by using my expert math skills and realizing that a pony’s butt equals exactly 20% of their full body mass. Multiplying your rear-end’s diameter by the length of your tail, I was able to find out your full body weight and length, which led me to the conclusion that my hypothesis was correct: the pony population is much more in shape than the human population back on Earth. I find that my discovery is very informative and I must thank you for being a part in my experiment that you had no idea you were a part of, Fluttershy.”
Fluttershy stared down at Josh for a long time, her wings softly flapping to keep her aloft as her brain analyzed all the bogus information that Josh had given her. She tilted her head to the side and blinked, then tilted her head the other way and blinked again. Finally, she reached her own conclusion. “So, um, basically…you were staring at my rear?”
“I…would much prefer it if you took it as me doing an experiment that will no doubt help the human population get into shape when I explain how a bunch of cartoon ponies can stay in shape and look a hell of a lot better than most of them do.”
“But…um…the fact is that you were…still staring at my rear…correct?”
“No…I was doing an experiment.”
“…so, you weren’t staring at my rear then?”
“No, I was staring at your rump, but that doesn’t…wait, what?!?! DAMN YOU!” Josh buried his face in his hooves as Fluttershy eventually tricked him into saying the ultimate truth. It was simply impossible to keep lying to the soft-spoken Pegasus for too long. “Look, it’s not what you think! I do NOT feel that way about you, or ANY pony! It’s just…well, let’s face it! Every time you girls turn around and start to walk or fly away, what’s the first thing we stare it? It’s inevitable! It’s not my fault, really! Blame the fact that you’re talking horses and you don’t walk on two legs!”
Fluttershy stifled a weak giggle. Josh didn’t know it, but the more he tried to deny his actions and the longer he continued to try and make up random and asinine stories, the redder his face darkened. She had to admit that she felt slightly uncomfortable knowing that Josh was staring at her rear-end, but all the same, she never had gotten “checked out” before in her life. The fact that Josh was inclined to gaze at her posterior, even if it was perverted, gave her a small sense of joy. At least she wasn’t so easy to ignore and dismiss like she always feared, nor was she just a pathetic little mare no one cared about besides her friends.
“Oh, Josh, it’s okay…um, please don’t worry too much…but, I’d be careful if I were you,” Fluttershy warned, shaking her head and giving Josh a worried look, “If Angel finds out that you’ve been…giving me naughty looks…he’ll get really mad. He’s quite protective of me.”
“I WASN’T GIVING YOU NAUGHTY…wait, who the hell is Angel?” Instantly, Josh’s heart got jumpy and he began looking around the area with a nervous expression. “Is that…your boyfriend? Oh, crap, this is bad! I’ve never had to fight in my life! Well, at least not a fair fight. The last time I was in a fight was when I was in school, and it was basically one-sided, since I had a hockey stick and he wasn’t looking when I struck him over the head.” An evil smirk flashed on Josh’s lips for a split-second as he remembered the fond memory, but the happy expression faded when he came back to reality. “Fluttershy, why didn’t you tell me you had a boyfriend?”
Widening her eyes in both shock and amusement at Josh’s assumptions, Fluttershy giggled and quickly shook her head. “Oh, no, Angel isn’t my boyfriend! He’s my sweet little pet bunny.”
Immediately, Josh gave a sigh as relief flooded over him. “Oh. So, he’s just one of your pets. And a rabbit no less. That makes me feel better.”
“Please don’t underestimate Angel, Josh. He…he really is protective…and he’s no ordinary bunny. He really is quite the sweet little thing, but…” Fluttershy’s eyes widened as she suddenly whipped her head to the left and stared at something at Josh’s side. “Oh dear…I got so excited with you coming over, Josh, I forgot about his mid-morning-almost-noon carrot…”
“Say what now?” Josh glanced to his side and saw nothing. Then, when he cast his eyes to the ground, he saw a beady-eyed white rabbit glaring up at him. Its arms were crossed and his little mouth was curled down into a heavy frown. His whiskers were twitching and he was tapping one of his big feet in an irritated fashion. Josh didn’t enjoy the look he was giving him. “What the hell are YOU looking at, punk?”
Nervously, Fluttershy flew down and gently landed beside the glaring rabbit and the annoyed stallion. “Um, Josh? This is Angel, my wonderful and adorable little pet bunny. Angel, sweetie? This is Josh, and he’s one of my newest friends.”
Friends? She…she considers me a friend, too? Even after everything I’ve done? Un-freaking-believable. These ponies are such idiots, I swear. They’d make friends with a rock if it was pretty enough! Josh rolled his eyes at the sweet sentiment given by Fluttershy, before smirking back down at the rabbit. Well, whatever. So, this so-called wonderful and adorable pet is Angel? He’s kinda cute; he looks like a little gangster.
“A pleasure to meet you, Angel,” Josh said, his sarcasm easy to define as he held out his hoof towards the annoyed rabbit, “You heard your mistress. I’m Josh, and I…” However, at that moment, he yelped and took a leap back when Angel proceeded to violently slap his hoof away. For such a small rabbit, he had quite a bit of power in his scrawny arms. “OW! Hey, what the hell is your problem, dude?”
“Oh dear…um, Angel, please don’t…” But Fluttershy was silenced when Angel quickly held up a paw to her face, never taking his eyes off Josh. Fluttershy slinked back, meekly sitting on the ground as the rabbit advanced on Josh. Despite their size differences, Josh found himself backing away from the angry little rabbit. The stallion watched as the white bunny pointed back and forth between himself and Fluttershy, angrily twitching his nose and stamping his feet. After a moment of trying to make sense of what he was trying to say, Josh figured it out.
How precious. The cynical little rabbit IS really protective of his owner…to the point of violence. Almost like a jealous boyfriend, like I imagined. Josh chuckled to himself as he continued to watch the rabbit point to Fluttershy and then to himself, as though to say that she belonged to him and Josh couldn’t have her. This is actually kinda funny. You know what? I think I’ll play along for a bit, just to see him squeak a few times and try to attack me; that’ll be hilarious! Forgetting about how hard the smack felt on his hoof just a few seconds ago, Josh peered down at the rabbit and sneered.
“Look, you little punk, this is how it’s gonna go down. I find Fluttershy very attractive, and as of right now, she’s my girlfriend!” Ignoring the squeaks of surprise coming from Fluttershy’s general direction, Josh continued with his taunts. “So, I’m sorry, but she belongs to ME, not you! You’re just a tiny, annoying, obnoxious little bunny rabbit, not even worth my time. So why don’t you take a hike and get out of here before I find out just how lucky a rabbit’s foot can be when I kick your fluffy cotton-tailed ass? Don’t you have a tea party or something that you’re late for?”
Impressed with his insults and threats, Josh hung back and smirked down at the stunned rabbit. Fluttershy was dumbfounded and horrified near her tree, and could only utter small and stunned squeaks without really making an effort to get words out. Angel himself looked horrified at what Josh had to say, but instead of backing down and looking depressed, he bared his teeth and got even angrier. With the final insults of how Josh was going to kick his butt and the cliché of him late for a tea party fresh in his mind, Angel made a tiny fist and cracked his knuckles. His eyes never left Josh’s.
Uh…I’m no fight expert, but…I think he accepted my challenge…oh crap, am I gonna have to hurt Fluttershy’s pet? I was just joking! C’mon, can’t any living creature take a freaking joke? Groaning and shaking his head at how stupid things were, Josh nonchalantly readied himself for what he thought was going to be a weak flurry of punches that wouldn’t even hurt a fly. Stupid rabbit…well, if Fluttershy gets mad that I hurt her rabbit, she can blame HIM. He’s the one who started it and threw down the gauntlet by slapping my hoof! Then, as his thoughts came back to his hoof getting struck and the pain he felt, he turned pale. Wait…this isn’t my world…where rabbits are innocent little creatures. This is a world with talking ponies…and I just got my hoof slapped by an enraged rabbit. Now, I just insulted that rabbit and informed him that I was taking away his owner. Oh…crap.
A second later, Josh felt a tiny fist slam into the side of his face. Despite the size nothing more than that of a cherry, the impact felt like Josh had just gotten struck in the face by a human fist. He gasped in shock and staggered backwards, but as he had predicted, the flurry of punches kept coming. Sadly for him, they weren’t as weak as he had anticipated. Each one connected with his face, neck, and upper body, one of them even going so far as to knock the wind out of him. Never having been taught to fight, Josh was helpless against the furious rabbit.
OW! OUCH! DAMMIT! I’M GETTING MY ASS KICKED…BY A FREAKING RABBIT! Josh’s cries of pain echoed through the nearby meadow and forest. His body was starting to bruise all over again after having recovered from his one-sided fights with Applejack, Rarity and Derpy Hooves. Not knowing what to do, instincts began to kick in as he desperately tried to curl up into a ball, but all Angel did was throw in some kicks to the head with his powerful feet to maximize the pain. Josh stood no chance at the homicidal rabbit bent on keeping Fluttershy for himself.
After finishing Josh off with a powerful karate kick to the face, the stallion uttered one final moan of pain before collapsing onto his back. As he felt the soft grass cushion his fall, he whimpered at how bad his body felt. It was like he was on fire; every part of him was hurting. His ribs were bruised and sore, all four legs felt pained as he lay sprawled out on the grass, his face was covered with welts and bumps, and he swore he could taste some of Angel’s fur in his mouth from each shot he took to the jaw. When the rabbit leaped up onto his chest a moment later and glared down at him, he choked and sucked up his pride to utter the words that Angel wanted to hear.
“You…you win…you psychotic, freakish rabbit. Fluttershy…is all yours…and I’m sorry for making fun of your mother…oh, wait, I only said that in my head…” He yelped again when Angel slapped him across the face for that. “OW! Okay, okay! I’m sorry for insulting you…now, please, let me go! My pride has been shot enough as it is!”
Finally satisfied, Angel gave a nod of satisfaction and proceeded to bounce off Josh’s stomach. The stallion’s weak moans escaped his mouth in short, choppy utterances. He was going to need some more time to recover from the beating he just received from Fluttershy’s pet. At least, that’s what he thought before he felt Fluttershy rush to his side a moment later and gasp in horror.
“Oh, Josh, I told you he was protective of me! I really, REALLY wish you wouldn’t have egged him on like that! Just look at you!” Fluttershy sighed and shook her head, then gently jumped over Josh and headed for her home. “I’ll go and get my first aid kit…and Angel’s carrot. Stay right there, Josh…please?” When the Pegasus vanished into the house, Josh coughed out some more of Angel’s white fur and weakly moved his head to the opposite side. He saw Angel smirking down at him with his arms crossed and a smug look smeared across his face.
“You know, it’s times like these that make me feel like singing to vent my frustrations.”
“Um, you can sing later. For now, please hold still so I can finish fixing up your body.”
“I feel ridiculous letting a female pony mend my body.”
“I’m sorry. Would you rather I go get Big Macintosh? He’s pretty gentle with his hooves.”
“Who the hell is Big Macintosh? Sounds like a type of overhyped apple or outdated computer.”
“He’s the big brother to Apple Bloom and Applejack.”
“Oh, right…I remember Applejack mentioning him. Now that you put it that way, I think I’d much rather you continue to fix me up instead. The thought of an outdated computer or overhyped apple that happens to be a male pony creeps me out.”
“Okay, so in that case, hold still! Um, please?”
Josh grumbled to himself and didn’t say another word, allowing Fluttershy to continue applying bandages and ointments to his bumps and bruises. After his brutal beating courtesy of Angel the bunny, Fluttershy returned a second later with a fresh carrot for the impatient rabbit and a med kit. However, after complaining about how Fluttershy’s animals were laughing at him behind his back, Josh asked that Fluttershy fix him up inside her house instead of out in the open. She immediately complied to his request and, after gently lifted him onto her back, she carried the stubborn stallion into her shack.
Fluttershy soon set Josh’s pained body down onto her sofa and proceeded to start fixing him up. Even though he loudly complained about how humiliated he was, in several aspects, he was secretly amazed at just how quick and efficient Fluttershy was with her work. The Pegasus moved fast, yet was very gentle and Josh barely felt anything she did to his body. Her hooves were very gentle when they touched his skin, and the soothing little song she was humming made Josh nearly relax. Of course, the desire of strangling Fluttershy for humming and irritating him lingered in his thoughts as well.
Not a bad little house, Josh mused, his eyes darting curiously around the room as he took in his new surroundings, It’s clean, despite all the animals outside. It’s also rather neat, and…well, to be perfectly honest, it’s rather dull. Seriously, this Pegasus is…boring. She’s shy and meek, she takes care of a bunch of animals, and her house has nothing of interest inside of it. Could this girl GET any more boring? I’d almost rather be back with Twilight in her library! I think I’d love to take a look inside Rainbow Dash’s house, too. She’s an obvious lesbian and she’s a pain in the ass, but at least she knows how to be cool.
“Okay…working my way down your body…that takes care of your wings,” Fluttershy murmured, giving a gentle pat to Josh’s stationary Pegasus wings. “Besides a few feathers being kicked out, the cool salve I put under your wings should take care of any blistering that will form. Now, let’s take care of the marks on your flanks and posterior, okay?” She flapped her wings and eased down towards the lowest part of Josh’s body.
“Ugh, this is so pissing me…WAIT, WHAT?!?!” Josh’s eyes bulged as a dark blush exploded across his face. Instantly, he leaped off the sofa and landed hard on his hooves. His bruised ankle bones instantly caused him some discomfort, but he didn’t care. Angrily whipping his head around to face the stunned yellow mare, he gave her a harsh glare. “Look, Fluttershy, I appreciate you fixing me up and all, but I’ll be damned if I let a female do stuff to one of my private areas!”
“Um, but Josh, Angel kicked your butt!”
“No kidding, Sherlock.”
“No. I mean, he really did kick you back there…about two dozen times, from what I think I counted. That’s how many bruises are there. It will hurt you to sit if I don’t apply some ointment. Please, lay back down; it will only take a second.”
“Are you not understanding the words that are coming out of my mouth? I said that I am NOT letting a female touch my private areas…ever! For that matter, I’m not letting a male touch them, either. Just give me the ointment and I’ll do it myself.”
Fluttershy, despite seeing how strongly Josh felt about not wanting a girl or really ANYONE to help get him better, felt a little annoyed at having Josh reject her help. With a playful smile on her face, Fluttershy slowly waved the bottle of pain relief ointment in front of Josh’s face. “How about you come and get it, Josh?”
Josh raised an eyebrow as he saw the cute smile on Fluttershy’s lips. What was she playing at? He felt like just walking out of the house, but something about the way Fluttershy was teasing him made him want to stay. It was almost like she was toying with him, seeing what his reaction would be. Was this some kind of test? Well, no matter what it was, Josh could feel the pain in his rump from all the deadly blows that Angel had given it via his strong rabbit legs. He really did need some pain relief to soothe the stinging sensations that were rippling through his body with every passing second.
“Give me that bottle, Fluttershy. I’m not gonna ask again.” Josh took a step towards Fluttershy.
Fluttershy giggled softly and gently set the bottle down in front of her. “Right here, Josh. Come a little closer and it’s all yours. I’ll even turn my head so you don’t think I’m trying to trick you.” The Pegasus indeed shifted aside and turned her head in the opposite direction, giving Josh a free path to the bottle of ointment. However, this only proved to drive Josh crazy with suspicion as he halted in his tracks and glared at the back of the mare’s head.
What the hell is she doing? Is she for real? I mean, she’s seriously acting weird! I can just rush forward and grab that ointment…but, will she do anything to me? She’s just a meek little pony; nothing more than a cowardly lion. What is she thinking? She can’t use magic on me, since she has no horn. I don’t think she’s the type to tackle a guy, like Rainbow Dash. She doesn’t seem to have temper issues like Applejack. So…UGH…WHY IS SHE TOYING WITH ME?!?!
Josh was forced to freeze up in his quest to get the bottle of ointment for his bum as his head tried to give him a logical answer of what Fluttershy was attempting to do. If she wasn’t planning to do something to him, she would just hand over the bottle and not bait him into coming and getting it. But, all the same, what could such a weak and frail mare possibly do to him? She no way had the power of her little rabbit pet, and she certainly didn’t scare him at all. The stare or whatever it was that she had given him kept coming back to him, however. This was leading Josh to start thinking frightful thoughts about the seemingly-innocent yellow mare in front of him.
Oh my God…is she really a demon?!?! That’s it, isn’t it! That stare she gave me that chilled me to the bone and made me scared…that was a demon’s stare! It all adds up now; why didn’t I see it before? It’s ALWAYS the innocent, sweet ones! That’s how it always works in the movies, and it’s obvious that it’s what’s going on right here! On the outside, Fluttershy is an animal caretaker with a heart of gold and is seemingly the weakest, most pathetic pony in all of Equestria. But, on the inside, there’s actually a dormant demon just waiting to rip my head off and bathe in my blood! Oh dear God, what have I gotten myself into? I’m alone in a room with a psychotic devil!
Giving a slight tilt to her head, Fluttershy glanced back at Josh to see what was taking him so long. All she was trying to do was lure Josh over to her so she could surprise him with a big hug and teach him a lesson that he didn’t need to distant himself so much from those who cared about him. Instead of seeing Josh attempting to play her nonexistent game of cat and mouse, the mare saw the stallion desperately looking around and seemingly trying to see the closest exit. Fluttershy felt her heart about to sink when she saw Josh’s hind legs starting to pull him away from her.
“Um, Josh, what are you doing?” Fluttershy asked, finally turning back around and taking a little step towards the boy. “Is everything alright? Aren’t you going to try and take the ointment? I’m sure your poor little butt must really hurt and sting. You really shouldn’t just leave those bruises unattended for too long. Angel has been known to leave scars.”
“Y-you shut up! I-I know your game!” Josh slinked away even further, his scared eyes locked on the confused pupils of Fluttershy. “I can’t believe I didn’t notice it before! I can see right through you. You’re nothing but a demon Pegasus! A devil!”
“W-w-w-what?!?! A d-d-d-devil?!?! How horrible! What a terrible thing to say!” Fluttershy cried, tears beginning to swell within the sockets of the mare’s glistening eyelids. “Josh, w-w-what would make you say such an awful thing about m-m-me?”
“That’s how these things with cartoon characters always work,” Josh snapped, refusing to back down, even though he was still trying to ease away, “It’s always the nice ones who turn out to be the evilest. You may act like an angel on the outside, Fluttershy, but on the inside…you’re evil! Well, personally, I think all you weirdo ponies are evil…but, you especially!” Now completely forgetting about the promise he made to Rainbow Dash, all he wanted to do was let the so-called evil Fluttershy have it. “That stare of yours made me so cold I felt like I was being frozen in a block of ice. Your playful and innocent nature only belies that which you try to hide within you. All of these animals you take care of are obviously your minions who cater to your every beck and call. Did you know that one of the most horrifying murderers of all-time in the movies lives on a campground? So, your little cottage also doesn’t help your cause. You are an evil devil, and that’s all there is to it.”
Fluttershy may as well have just been told that she was going to die within 24 hours. Hearing what Josh thought she was tore her heart to pieces. As tears began to stream down from her eyes, the yellow pony sobbed loudly and flew away from Josh. Much to the stallion’s amusement, he watched as his counterpart fluttered over to a small broom closet and quickly locked herself inside almost instantly upon flying through the tight doorway. Josh was left alone in Fluttershy’s living room, the bottle of pain relief ointment now sitting by itself and nobody around to bother him. It was almost too perfect.
“Ha! That’s right, you evil harpy, you better hide!” Josh smirked, trotting back over and grinning as his greedy eyes fell upon his target on the floor, “I bet you were trying to make me fall for you this entire time. Perhaps you’re really a succubus? Well, a demon or a succubus, whatever you are, I’m not falling into your deadly clutches. There just ain’t no way that you’re THAT timid and sweet and nice and caring without having some kind of drawback. Good riddance to you; now I can soothe that pain in my ass without the humiliation of having a female pony do it!”
Making sure the closet door stayed shut, Josh snatched up the small bottle of ointment on the floor and squeezed it in his hoof. Just as he was about to flip open the tab and start applying the soothing relief to his backside, the same feelings and emotions began to start a war inside of his body once more. His heart was angrily scolding him for what he had just said to Fluttershy, even after promising Rainbow Dash that he wouldn’t. His all-powerful brain tried to keep his heart at bay by informing him that he was surely right with his assumptions and he shouldn’t feel guilty in the least. All the same, the former human couldn’t help but throw guilty looks over in the direction of the wooden door that led to the locked closet and the sad pony within its dark confines.
Dammit…I DID promise that I wouldn’t insult her, right? Great…oh well, not like I ever keep promises that I never INTENDED to keep in the first place. Besides, she is CLEARLY evil! What kind of person, or pony for that matter, could be such an angel without any real flaws? The longer he thought about it, however, the more Josh began to realize his conclusion wasn’t all that correct after all. Actually, come to think of it…she is FAR from perfect…and she has a TON of flaws. Her flying seemed almost erratic compared to Dash’s, so that possibly means she’s not a good flyer. She has social issues, which means despite her kindness, she is hard to deal with in conversations. She lets a stupid little rabbit push her around, her timid personality lets OTHERS push her around, she has a knack for squeaking and cowering and trying to look small…damn, she’s the most flawed pony out of all of Twilight’s friends! But…wait, what exactly does that prove?
~~~
“Can you believe that poor old lady that lives across from the school finally died?” Jessica shook her head, sitting on her bed with her stepbrother, Josh, at her side. Reading the obituaries always made the little girl sad. For Josh, however, it was just another typical day in the life of the world. He never usually showed emotion for anyone who died, since it was bound to happen one day or another. “They say that she died alone. No kids, no husband, no pets, no nothing. It was like no one even cared about her.”
“Why does it matter? She’s gone now, and no amount of crying or weeping will bring her back,” Josh shrugged, “Besides, that old lady was crazy. All she did was give money away like it was water. Just look at the list of all the things she did! Helping out at the Cancer Awareness Center, volunteering down at the homeless shelters, working in the kitchens at the Salvation Armies, serving her local church, allowing the local kids to play in her yard and do what they wanted inside her garage…what a fool! And she never asked for anything in return. Dear God.”
“Isn’t that sweet? She really was an angel, and all people did was walk all over her.” Jessica whimpered and hung her head, casually inserting a piece of her long, brown hair into her mouth and chewing on it as she wallowed over the death of a magnificent human being. “Why can’t the world have more people like her? The world is so evil.”
“That’s called human nature, Jessie.” Josh ruffled his stepsister’s head and rolled his eyes. “I think that lady was just a fool. Doing all that stuff for nothing. What’s one person gonna do? How is one person gonna change someone’s life? She got nothing, she always got taken advantage of, and she died alone. No one is THAT nice without having skeletons in their closet. She was probably HOPING we’d all feel sorry for her once she died. She was probably evil!”
Spitting out the lock of hair she had been nervously chewing upon, Jessica angrily slapped Josh upside the head with the newspaper and stormed out of the room. “Josh, you’re terrible! You think EVERYONE is evil, even when they don’t do anything wrong!”
“Everyone IS evil, you idiot! The world is tainted and corrupt with evil minds and evil hearts wherever you go. Those who overwork to try and show just how precious they are most of the time turn out to just be fakers!” Josh’s callouts fell on death ears, as his stepsister had already long vanished out of the room. A second later, a loud slam and a small tremor indicated that she had exited the house as well. Josh was left with a tattered newspaper and an empty bedroom.
Tucking a fold of his black hair behind his left ear, Josh sighed and laid back on his bed to stare up at the ceiling. The glow-in-the-dark plastic stars he hung with sticky tack glowed weakly in the dark, making his eyes shimmer as he locked onto the patterns he had created. Looking at his amateur constellation always soothed the troubled teen. With his father having moved away a few years ago and wanting nothing to do with him, and his mother dating on and off with random different abusive males, Josh really didn’t know WHAT to believe anymore. Sometimes, he just wanted to leave the life he had.
“Evil is all I know. Why be good when it gets you nothing? Being good gets you nothing and gets you hurt. Being evil gets you nothing and gets you hurt. May as well be evil and have fun with life.” Josh closed his eyes and began to relax his body, trying to drift off into a nap. “No matter how good someone looks on the outside, you can never know their heart. Words are spoken lies formulated by a talented tongue and a scheming brain. Nothing more.”
~~~
A sigh escaped Josh’s lips as he thought about his past and how he had come to early conclusions about anything and everything. He really wanted to try and live happy and treat others around him with the love and respect that his heart told him they should be treated with, but his mind just wouldn’t allow it. Every thought of joy that Josh ever attempted to show was always questioned by his mind. Why are you thinking such a thing? What do you have to gain from showing such feelings? Why waste your time when it won’t make a difference ten minutes from now? The questions always lingered and outweighed his heart’s desires, leading to Josh always turning the cold shoulder whenever he was faced with such a decision or outcome.
Very slowly, Josh moved his pony body over to the locked closet that housed the scared Fluttershy. He really didn’t want to give in to her, but just leaving another person, or rather pony’s house without saying goodbye and after calling them a monster was very rude. Even Josh knew this. He still didn’t trust Fluttershy, since her behavior was just so unnerving and different to him, but since she was hiding behind a thick slab of wood that was finely crafted into a door, surely she couldn’t do anything to him. Josh kept telling himself this as he made his way up to the locked door.
“Uh…hey, Fluttershy?” he called out, trying to speak in a soft, yet loud voice so that the Pegasus could hear him, “Can you hear me?” When no response came, Josh decided to continue on anyway. “Look, I’m sorry for calling you a devil and a demon and all that stuff. Can you come out here already?” Josh was met with silence, and after waiting impatiently for two whole minutes, he tried again. “Fluttershy, come on, I said I was sorry! Just come out here, would you? Leaving a crying girl locked in a closet is not a good look for my résumé. What more do you want from me besides an apology?”
Time ticked away, and still nothing could be heard on the other side of the closet. Josh irritably paced back and forth in front of the locked door, grumbling under his breath about how his butt was still hurting from the painful kicks he had received via Fluttershy’s evil pet rabbit. The bottle of soothing pain relief ointment sat next to the sofa in the same place that Josh had left it before attempting to coax Fluttershy out of the closet. He could always just go and apply it before returning to try and remove the yellow mare from her hiding place, but something was telling the former human that his rump wasn’t as important was Fluttershy was. He didn’t understand that logic, but at the moment, it was what he was focusing on.
What the hell am I supposed to do here? I said I was sorry and I’m TRYING to speak in a soft voice, since I think that’s what she likes. What more do you need to make someone forgive you? Good grief, all I did was call her a few names; it’s not like I hit her or anything! Panic started to sink in when Josh pictured an angry Rainbow Dash discovering that he had broken his Pinkie Promise. Sure, he was good at humiliating the ponies, but so far he had gotten beat up by three of them, plus a rabbit. He couldn’t use magic, his wings were practically useless, and he didn’t hit females. Facing an enraged Pegasus who reminded Josh a lot of Applejack didn’t sit well with him. He had to get Fluttershy out of her closet.
“Fluttershy…er…please?” Josh’s desperate voice escaped his throat in a high-pitched squeak, making him want to choke himself for sounding so pathetic. After coughing loudly and mentally swearing for sounding like a girl, Josh tried again. “Please come out, Fluttershy. I’m really, really sorry for saying such mean things about you. Rainbow Dash warned me not to…but I did anyway…and I feel…” Josh grit his teeth and forced himself to speak the next lines. “…really bad about what I said…and I was wrong.”
Wrong? WRONG? You idiot, how do you know you were wrong? This could be one of her tricks! She could be luring you into a false sense of security and sending you on a guilt trip just to leech onto you and rip your head off! All women do this; you can’t be fooled by their cries and lies!
Reaching up and physically slapping his forehead, trying to shut his thoughts up, Josh clenched his eyes shut and lowered his head to the ground. The longer Fluttershy alienated herself from him, the more he was reminded of the way he hurt Pinkie Pie and just how lonely he felt. When he thought of Pinkie, another hypothesis entered his mind. While Josh strongly felt that Pinkie had ADD, maybe she acted the way she did just because that’s who she was. Was it possible that Fluttershy, despite her unusual and different behavior, was the same as Pinkie? Josh had never encountered so many different personalities, so he didn’t know what to think.
You know what? Screw it. If Fluttershy really IS an evil demon ready to suck out my blood and use my dead carcass as a cesspool for all her animals, I don’t care. Yeah, that’s right, I don’t care! So what if I die at the hands…ugh, HOOVES…of a yellow pony? At least it’ll be a fun way to go, and I’ll be the only human ever to be killed by a cartoon pony who turned out to be a demon! That wouldn’t be a bad way to die. Cracking a weak smile, Josh kept his eyes closed, and finally spoke from the heart as he addressed Fluttershy one last time.
“Fluttershy, I repeat, I was wrong about you, and I’m truly sorry. I know I don’t deserve to be given another chance by you, but all I wanted to say was that I apologize for the hateful words I spoke and I’d do anything it took to make it up to you.” Since his eyes were still closed, Josh failed to see the closet door slowly start to reopen in front of him. “Maybe…I’ve been wrong about all you ponies. Hell, maybe I’ve been wrong by a lot of things. Who knows? But, until I go back home to Earth, I may as well get used to Equestria. Hating you all would be easy. Making you all hate me would be easy. But…I’ve been living my life on easy. I play video games on the easy level. I think I’m ready for a challenge. I’m ready to actually…try.”
“You…you are?”
Josh gasped and opened his eyes in shock, lifting his head to find Fluttershy standing in front of him. She wore the same soft smile as before, but her timid eyes and her nervous stance made Josh realize that she wasn’t 100% assured of Josh’s sincerity just yet. He had to seal the deal, and even though his mind was screaming at him to reconsider and just run away, Josh had finally made up his mind. He didn’t want to keep hurting others for no good reason. He didn’t want to be alone. He didn’t want to keep living life on the easy level. He wanted a challenge and he was going to force himself into one.
This is MY life, and I don’t care when or how it ends. If I die from one of these ponies, so be it. If I die in this hideous body, so be it. If I never go home again, so be it. If I go crazy and lose my mind and go on a killing spree and get blown into a million pieces from that princess pony, so be it. I’m not gonna keep running away; what’s the point? I have nowhere left to run. I’ll put my life in the hands of fate. These ponies suck, but then again, so do human beings back on earth. So, you know what? I’m no longer a human being. I am Joshua Schwartz…a pony. My home is Equestria, not Earth. I’ll just keep telling myself that…for as long as I must.
“Yes, Fluttershy, I mean that.” Josh nodded his head, reaching out and very carefully patting Fluttershy’s mane. Even though she flinched and drew back just a hair, she giggled softly at the feeling of being petted and playfully butted her head against his hoof a second later.
“You know, Josh…there is a way for you to make it up to me…” Fluttershy closed her eyes and cocked her head slightly to the right. Josh followed her hint and glanced over at the ointment bottle. The pain in his posterior was slowly reentering his mind, and his body once more began screaming at him to get some more medical attention, stat.
Groaning, the stallion slapped a hoof over his face. “I take back one thing I said, Fluttershy. You are a very evil pony.” Very slowly, he turned and very slowly trotted back over to the sofa, his tail and ears hanging limp as his eyes gazed down at the floor. Behind him, he heard Fluttershy humming contently to herself as she stretched her wings and carefully flew her way back over to the bottle of ointment. Obviously, she had not taken Josh’s comment about her being evil seriously this time, due to the change of tone in his voice. Fluttershy recognized it at once as being nothing more than a whiny patient who didn’t want to get his medicine. She had dealt with animals the same way.
“Lay down, please, and lift back your tail.” Fluttershy pointed a hoof at the sofa, going back to her stern and caring expression. “Don’t worry, it won’t hurt, and I won’t tell anypony about this.”
“Let’s just get this over with before I’m forced to become gay.” Josh leaped onto the couch and laid down quickly on his stomach. Tucking his head into his forelegs and whimpering to himself, his tail eventually lifted back to expose his dark purple rump with the dark red marks scattered across it. His body was almost turning a darker red just from being in such a position.
“Good boy, Joshy,” Fluttershy cooed, her voice singing out in a gentle tone as she squirted out some of the healing white gel onto her hooves. “Please hold still, okay? I’ll let you know when I’m done.”
And I’ll let YOU know when my heart attack kicks in.
The next two minutes that passed by were ones that Josh would never forget. At first, they started out with him having to forcibly restrain himself from squirming and just bolting from the sofa, not to mention letting out soft moans from just how cold the ointment was and just how soft Fluttershy’s hooves were. He had never experienced such treatment before, and the longer it went on, the more Josh began to wonder exactly why Fluttershy wanted to do this in the first place. Did she want Josh to just have faith in her and to learn to not do everything yourself? Did she want to become closer to Josh by showing him just how far she was willing to go to prove her friendship? Was she a closet pervert?
I just don’t get it. I could’ve easily done this myself! This is…so freaking embarrassing! I’m having a girl rub my…with her…UGH! Most males back on my world would KILL to have this happen to them, and knowing just how sick-minded they are, they’d be…well, I won’t say the rest, but I know enough to understand just how perverted a lot of male humans are. Josh winced and let out a soft gasp as Fluttershy gently pressed some gel into one of the deeper wounds on his tush. Ah! Man that feels nice! I don’t know why, but…my waist feels weird. What the hell is going on? I don’t know what this sensation is! Oh dear lord, I’m not getting turned on by a pony rubbing my rear-end, am I?
“Josh?”
Still not lifting his head, Josh poked his mouth out the side of his forelegs to speak. He was too nervous to look back at Fluttershy with her hooves on his tush. “Er…yes, Fluttershy?”
“Thank you.”
“Thank you for what? For apologizing to you?”
“Well, yes…but, for also trusting me and making the first step towards friendship.” Josh felt Fluttershy softly stroke his tail, and the same weird sensations that befuddled him returned. “Um…I didn’t want to make you mad or anything…all I wanted was to show you that I want to be your friend, and you don’t have to do everything yourself. Sometimes, we all need a little help, no matter who we are. I only hope that, while you continue to stay here on Equestria, that you keep letting yourself open up to us.”
Grumbling slightly, Josh cracked a little smile and just shook his head. “Don’t push your luck, sweetie. I’m not that easy to read like a Playboy magazine. I said that I would try to fit in better around here; I didn’t say to expect miracles to happen and to have the clouds start raining chocolate milk.”
“Oh, actually, that has happened before around here! You see, a while ago, a big meanie named Discord…”
“Fluttershy, I really don’t care. Could you please just finish up back there so this madness can be over and done with?”
“Oh…right, sorry.” A second later, Fluttershy continued to gently work her hooves on Josh’s rear, smiling as the dark redness in all his wounds began to dim to a light pink. Josh continued to let out soft moans, and the strange and new feeling continued to haunt him. It wasn’t until another minute later that he finally learned just what it was. “Oh…oh my!”
“Huh? What is it, Fluttershy?”
There was a pause, followed by a soft squeak and giggle via Fluttershy. “I…I don’t…oh dear. Josh, I think you…you might want to see this.”
Baring his teeth and growing irritated at his treatment not getting over with just yet, Josh whipped his head up and angrily looked back at the stuttering Pegasus. “Look at WHAT, Fluttershy? What is so gosh darn important that you insist I…look?” He suddenly realized that both of his wings were standing erect from his body. “Uh…what the hell?”
“Yeah…um…that can happen…sometimes…with us Pegasi…”
Blinking a few times, Josh reached back and nimbly poked at one of his wings, finding them each to be rock-hard and fully outstretched to their maximum width. “But, I wasn’t even preparing for a flight or anything! What the hell is going on here?” He looked around his left outstretched wing and looked at Fluttershy. A deep and mortified blush was stained across her muzzle. “Fluttershy, what does this mean? Is this just my new body acting up again? Wait…what exactly do these outstretched wings mean with Pegasi? Tell me!”
Another pause. Then, Fluttershy dropped the bottle of ointment onto the nearby nightstand and held her hooves over her mouth. Suppressing fits of giggles, Fluttershy stretched her own wings and quickly flew out of the room, leaving a very confused Josh alone on the sofa. She had thankfully finished up healing the kick marks on his rear-end, but the stallion was left with a new problem that was already eating at his patience.
Great…another new problem with this stupid body, Josh thought, sitting up and smiling a bit at how good he felt, Ah, nice, my butt feels better now! Man, Fluttershy sure knows what she’s doing. But, still…what the heck do these outstretched wings mean? Does it mean I’m evolving, like a Pokemon? Does it mean my mind wants me to go for a fly? Does it mean I sense a tornado? WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS MEAN?!?! DAMN YOU, FLUTTERSHY!
The week seemed to fly by for Josh, the former human turned stallion finding himself always busy or getting pestered in one way or another. No sooner had he recovered from the humiliation of learning what a “wing-boner” was via Rainbow Dash, Twilight gave him a letter from the princess. The news was not good for Josh, and he very nearly went on a tirade across Ponyville after reading over the fine print. Apparently, Princess Celestia had not yet learned of a way to send Josh back to his own world, even though she claimed she had went through the entire royal library two dozen times and had taken a few dozen recounts of all the spells she knew. Nothing had done any good, and she was still without answers, or so the letter said. Josh had promptly speared the letter onto Twilight’s horn and stomped off in a huff.
Josh went house-jumping when having to find a place to sleep for each night, never wanting to spend a night outside for fear of some crazy night creature wanting to come along and give him “sweet dreams” or something else creepy and unwanted. Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy all allowed Josh to spend his nights with each of them whenever he wanted, using the opportunities to attempt and get to know him better. Josh was a recluse, but he did make Fluttershy a promise of actually trying to give her world a chance. He enjoyed breaking promises, but since he was going to be stuck in Equestria for a while longer it seemed, he may as well learn something there.
During the week, Josh tried to stomach as much of Ponyville and Equestria as he could. He still found himself nearly puking and finding a cliff to jump off almost every other minute, but at least he was making a conscious effort to try and keep his attitude in check and not insult everything he saw and found pathetic. The obnoxious boy spent more and more time with Twilight and her girls, since after dealing with the likes of Derpy Hooves, Lyra, Cheerilee, Diamond Tiara, and a few others, he found that perhaps Twilight’s gang wasn’t as annoying as he once thought.
It took Josh to desire another walk through the Everfree Forest, a week later, before he realized that he had yet to go back to Zecora’s and ask for the antidote to get him back to his human form. Since he utterly refused to admit he was beginning to enjoy himself, he instead decided to accuse Twilight and her friends of purposely distracting him from being able to turn back into a human. Naturally, Applejack and Rarity both gave Josh another painful lesson on falsely accusing them, Twilight gave Josh a scolding, Fluttershy and Pinkie both hugged Josh and nursed him back to health, and Rainbow Dash simply sat alongside and laughed her head off.
“Stupid ponies.” Josh cursed under his breath, limping along towards the Everfree Forest after being treated by Fluttershy. Sadly for him, his wings had failed to cooperate, and had once again grown erect from Fluttershy’s gentle hooves rubbing medicine on his hoof-markings, courtesy of Applejack and Rarity. The stallion was forced to make a quick exit after Fluttershy collapsed into a giggle fit and Rainbow Dash was rushed to the hospital for an apparent seizure after spying on the two ponies. Now, wishing for a break from the ponies, Josh was determined to see Zecora. Despite being very similar in breed, she still was not technically a pony, at least in Josh’s eyes. Plus, he did feel a little bad about not visiting her since his first day in Equestria.
“Hey, Joshy, where are you going?” The voice that Josh had grown accustomed to hearing broke the wonderful silence that Josh’s ears were begging for a second later. The stallion didn’t even have to lift his dejected head to know the bouncing pony that was following along behind him as he headed for the Everfree Forest.
“I’m going to see Zecora, Pinkie Pie, and I would much rather go alone, thank you.” Josh tried to speak in a much calmer voice than usual. All the beatings he had gotten from the ponies made him question his social ethics, not to mention the strain it put on him physically as well.
“Ooh, that sounds nice! I haven’t seen her in quite a while, but of course by ‘quite a while’, I mean a week ago when you first came to Equestria and we all went to see Zecora to take you home with us. So, would that quality as ‘quite a while’, or ‘a long time’, or…”
“Pinkie, I think saying that you haven’t seen her ‘in a week’ would work best, don’t you think?” Josh’s head was dipping lower and lower to the ground. Getting used to Pinkie Pie was like getting used to going to school. It was something no one ever wanted to get used to, but it was something that had to be done and you just couldn’t escape it.
After a momentary pause that made Josh’s ears sing in joy, Pinkie inhaled a gust of air that soon turned into a loud gasp. “Ooh, of COURSE! That’s the perfect word usage for describing how long I haven’t seen Zecora! Saying that I haven’t seen her in ‘quite a while’ is rather vague, and nopony would understand just how long ‘a while’ is! But, saying that I haven’t seen her in ‘a week’ is so much better! Of course, this also brings up the question of exactly when during a week ago I saw Zecora. Do you think I should say that it was a week ago around late afternoon? I think that’s when it was.”
Gritting his teeth, Josh looked for the nearest cliff, but didn’t see one. He also didn’t see a tree to bang his head against. “Pinkie Pie! None of that is important! Why the hell do you always talk about things that are NOT FREAKING IMPORTANT?”
“Aww, but Joshy, EVERYTHING is important! When you speak, your words are meaningful, because we all have the gift of gab and it’s a joy to hear other ponies talk and express themselves! If I couldn’t talk, I would be so, so, so, so, SO sad! Do you KNOW how horrible it would feel to not be able to talk and share your thoughts and feelings with those you care about?”
“I couldn’t imagine,” Josh said sarcastically, casting angry frowns sideways at Pinkie Pie, the earth pony now somehow at his right when she had just been at his left. “But, just because you can talk doesn’t mean you should, you know. Some things are better left unsaid.”
Pinkie tilted her head curiously, her bright blue eyes fluttering open and shut a few times as she contemplated Josh’s words. “But if you REALLY want to say something, but you hold it inside, your head will burst into a million pieces! You’ll explode…twice!”
“That doesn’t make any sense, you dingbat. You keep secrets, don’t you?”
“Oh, of course, secrets are very, very important. If you ever break a secret…” Pinkie suddenly growled, baring her teeth and pushing her face into Josh’s. Her blue eyes flashed a dark red momentarily. “...Pinkie will be very, very mad.”
“Remind me to help you submit to a mental ward, once I find one, okay?” Josh gulped and backed away from Pinkie Pie, finally entering the Everfree Forest a moment later after having traversed down the path quite a ways without having even realized it. “Ah…I’m here. Pinkie, if you don’t mind, could you PLEASE go now? I want to see Zecora ALONE!”
Her face going back to its old, goofy, smiley form, Pinkie bounced a little bit and gave Josh her most soppy and pouty look that she could muster. “Pretty please may I go with you, Joshy? I want to spend more time with you! Yesterday when I tried to wrestle with you in that pile of sprinkles, you complained that you had indigestion from a frog you ate and needed to leave. Surely that frog is gone now, right?”
“I was being sarcastic, Pinkie. I just wanted to get away from you before you drove me insane.”
“Pretty please with sugar on top?”
“No.”
“Pretty please with lots of sugar on top?”
“No!”
“Pretty please with lemon-drops, sugar-lumps, sprinkles, lollipops, and a cherry on top?”
“NO!”
“Yes!” Pinkie bounced in front of Josh, glaring at him and sitting her rump right in front of his path.
“No!” Josh growled and tried to push past the pony, but it was a no-go.
“Yes!”
“No!”
“Yes!”
“No!”
“No!”
“Yes!”
“No!”
“Yes!”
“Joshy, I said no, and that’s final!” Pinkie stamped a hoof on the ground, a devious twinkle in her eye.
“Well, I said yes, so you’re going with me, and that’s all there is to it!” Josh snapped, “So, get your squishy butt of the ground and let’s get going!”
“Okie-dokie-lokie!” With a devious and happy grin, Pinkie bounced up and began to bounce ahead of Josh down the path to Zecora’s.
Proud of himself, Josh smiled and began to follow, but realization began to sink in. “W-w-wait a minute, what?!?!” Leaning his head back, Josh screamed into the sky and proceeded to bang his head repeatedly against the nearest tree. Thankfully the Everfree Forest was filled with trees so Josh could vent his rage at getting humiliated once again thanks to Pinkie.
“C’mon, slowpoke, Zecora won’t wait forever!” Pinkie eagerly wiggled her tail back at Josh, seeing how dejected and angry he looked and once more tilting her head. “What’s wrong, Joshy? Why do you look so glum and mopey? That’s so not fun! Want a big, squishy hug?” Her cheeks darkened slightly as she kicked a hoof at the ground in a shy way. “Maybe a little kiss?”
“Kiss my ass, Pinkie Pie! That’s what you can kiss!”
“Huh? Um…okay, but…why do you want me to kiss THAT?” Pinkie’s smile turned into one of confusion, although she still looked willing to do what Josh said.
Freezing in his tracks, Josh looked up from his annoyed stare-down with the ground to observe Pinkie. As always, she never failed to astound him. “I…didn’t exactly mean for you to kiss my butt, Pinkie. I meant it in a figurative way, not a literal way.”
“Then why did you say it if you didn’t actually mean it?”
“Well, back on my world, telling someone to kiss your ass is…uh…basically an insult.” Josh raised a hoof and scratched the side of his head, scowling a little as he tried to fully understand why it was considered an insult. “See, when you’re mad at someone and want to tell them off…you tell them to kiss your butt.”
“But…that doesn’t make any sense,” Pinkie argued, turning around and wiggling her tush back and forth, her eyes following her swaying flanks and swishing tail in wonderment. “Why would kissing someone’s tushy be considered a bad thing?”
“Well…uh…on my world…humans are very strange creatures.” Josh sat down, still struggling to make sense of the apparent insult, since he had never heard any human being question an insult before. The innocence of Equestria’s ponies still baffled him. One week didn’t manage to make his mind understand how the ponies thought differently about things that most human beings found commonplace. “It’s kinda hard to explain, but…well…Earth just has lots of phrases and insults that are…probably not something you’d expect to hear on Equestria.”
Pinkie bounced over to Josh, playfully butting her head against his shoulder. “If you ask me, telling somepony to kiss your tushy is a compliment, not an insult!”
“How do you figure?” Josh lifted his head and stared at Pinkie Pie, flushing slightly in the cheeks at how close the pink pony was to him. Never one for personal space issues, Pinkie’s face was pressed right up against Josh’s. Her nose was practically touching his. Every time the party pony invaded Josh’s bubble, the former human always felt his heart start to race. He still didn’t understand why.
“Well, because your rump is one of your most delicate and adorable body parts, that’s why! Why do you think Rarity is always making sure hers looks so gorgeous and why Spike is always secretly staring at it when he thinks no one notices? Obviously, the tushy is a very cute and…attractive…part of the body! Why would telling someone to kiss yours be an insult? That’d be a compliment!”
“Uh…Pinkie…theoretically, the butt is considered a place that most people would be unwilling to kiss, due to…uh…well, what it’s used for and…uh…dammit, this is so stupid! Just drop it already!”
“Kiss my tushy, Joshy!” Pinkie gave a toothy grin, turning around and wiggling her rump in the stallion’s face, “That’s what you can kiss!”
“I would sooner strangle you. In fact, I think I will!” Having had enough of Pinkie’s playful behavior, not to mention continued attempts at preventing wing-boners from popping up via his own wings, Josh uttered a deep growl and lunged at Pinkie Pie, tackling the earth pony down onto the warm ground of the Everfree Forest’s path.
The two ponies struggled and laughed for what seemed like hours. Strange-looking bugs that Josh had never seen before fluttered past every other minute, making weird squeaking sounds and showing interest at the two wrestling ponies on the forest trail. Odd howls echoed deep within the bowels of the dark forest, many other unusual animals that Josh hadn’t learned about yet poking their heads out of the deep foliage to watch the two ponies play with each other.
Even though Josh always tried to get his hooves wrapped around Pinkie’s neck to strangle her, the pony would always squirm and wiggle away at the last moment, eluding Josh’s attempts and making the former human angrier and angrier. However, when he used to have looks of fury and rage in his eyes, the looks he was giving Pinkie Pie was now angry in the sense of playfulness and teasing torture. It looked as though it wasn’t about actually strangling or hurting Pinkie; he just wanted to wrestle with her and hear her laugh and fight against him in a non-violent way.
At long last, after rolling around on the ground and getting dirty and covered with clumps of leaves and other debris, Josh finally managed to pin down the hyperactive Pinkie. The stallion knelt over Pinkie’s chest, holding down her forelegs with his hooves and pinning her hind legs with his own. Josh was sweating profusely, beads of perspiration dribbling down his face as he gasped and tried to catch his breath. Even though he had managed to land the crazy party pony, something told him from the little grin on Pinkie’s face that she let him capture her. Those sparkling blue eyes didn’t do anything to help Josh stay mad at his victim, either.
“I’ve…got you…now…Pinkie Pie!” Josh wheezed, grinning down in strained victory at the humming pink pony beneath his hooves. “Any last words…before I strangle you…and teach you a valuable lesson?”
“Well, I don’t know, Joshy,” Pinkie admitted, licking her lips and sticking out her tongue, either due to her concentrating on her thoughts, or because she was teasing Josh again. “You see, I’ve always thought about what I would want my last words to be, but I just have SO many words that I love to say! There’s pickles, and kumquats, and pickle barrel, and pickle barrel kumquats, and cherry chungas, and…”
“Why do I even bother?” Josh hung his head and groaned as Pinkie droned on and on about a random list of words that she found enjoyable, most of which made absolutely no sense to Josh whatsoever.
“An interesting sight I see before my eyes; one would usually find this quite a surprise.” Pinkie’s nonsensical blabbering was interrupted by a calmer, deeper voice above both ponies’ heads. “However, after living here for quite some time, it is not so strange to hear Pinkie Pie’s lines.”
“Wait…African-like voice…annoying rhyming…perfect sense of timing…” Josh’s eyes shot up to meet a familiar pair of deep, dark green eyes, matched only by the dark and beautiful black and white coat of their owner. “Zecora, it’s you! Thank the lord who probably doesn’t know that I’m in this world!”
“I shall take that as a compliment, regarding your words on my accent.” Zecora’s brow furrowed slightly as she stared down at Josh and Pinkie, standing over the two while carrying a saddlebag on her back. Tufts of bright orange plants seemed to be sticking out the sides, a sweet scent filling Josh’s nose due to the close proximity between the stallion and the stuffed saddlebag.
“Ooh, hi there, Zecora!” Pinkie squealed, waving a hoof up at the zebra, somehow having dislodged it from Josh’s firm grasp. “Why are you upside down? Did you learn how to fly? Oh, and what’s that delicious aroma? It smells like honey! Is there a beehive nearby? I owned a pet bee once. I named him Buzz, since he was always buzzing around my head and making funny buzzing sounds that I tried to mimic, but it made my tongue tickle the inside of my lips and…”
“Hey, Pinkie?” Josh interrupted, glaring down at the pink pony and tapping his foot irritably. He had removed himself from the party pony’s body almost a good ten seconds ago, but Pinkie didn’t seem to have noticed.
“Yes, Joshy?”
“Do this.” Josh lifted up his left hoof and placed it over his mouth, raising an eyebrow and giving Pinkie an expectant look. Curious, Pinkie rose up from the ground, tilted her head at Josh’s demand, and soon lifted up her left hoof and placed it over her lips. She continued to try to talk, but her words were now muffled and couldn’t be heard. A happy grin stretched across Josh’s lips, and he couldn’t help but cast Zecora a wink out of the corner of his eye.
Zecora chuckled and rolled her own eyes after watching the scene unfold. “Dear Josh, you are indeed quite unique. Do tell, what have you come out here to seek?”
“Straight to the point, huh? You sure aren’t like these ponies, who enjoy beating around the bush and trying to fill your stomach with fuzzy-wuzzy garbage before giving you a big, squishy hug until they FINALLY make their point.” Josh gave Pinkie an annoyed look, watching as the party pony continued to try and talk through her hoof that she held to her mouth. “But, yeah, it’s been a rough week for me here in Equestria. I kinda forgot that you owed me a little something, though…which is why I came out here.”
A light chuckle fluttered out of Zecora’s mouth, the deep sound resonating within Josh like a blast of fresh air. Zecora certainly had a much different voice compared to all the ponies, one that Josh found he could really find himself relaxed around. Sure, her rhyming was irritating to him, but then again, beggars couldn’t be choosers. Josh would much rather not deal with any Equestrian creatures at all; being back on his home world with the non-speaking animals that littered the streets, forests, jungles, and other numerous terrains was more his cup of tea. But, he had made a promise to try, so try he would.
“Your antidote has been ready a while now; undoing the poison joke is what it shall allow.” Zecora turned and casually began to trot back to her small shack, the saddlebag bouncing lightly over her haunches with each step she took. “To go back to whom you once were, you must first make certain you are most sure. The hands of fate play with many a mind; for what happened to you, a reason you should find. Rash judgments soil the hearts of the weak, and will not take pity on the minds of the meek.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever, shaman girl,” Josh muttered, ignoring the muffled Pinkie Pie as he tailed Zecora back to her home. “Just make with the goods and I’ll move you a notch down the ‘Equestrian Idiot’ ladder, alright?”
Josh and Zecora both vanished down the path, disappearing into the darkened trees stretching onward towards the Everfree Forest shack of which Zecora took residence. Pinkie Pie desperately tried to say something, but her hoof continued to muffle any and all things the element of laughter attempted to announce. It wasn’t until a good thousand or so words later and a lot of furious bouncing and senseless motioning to nothing but empty air that Pinkie finally removed her hoof covering up her lips.
“Hey, Joshy! I forgot to ask! When do I get to pull my hoof away from my mouth?” she called out, but upon realizing that she was all alone, she huffed in annoyance and stamped a hoof on the ground. “Well, that’s just not fair! Leaving before I had a chance to ask about the rules! Now I have to keep doing it until Joshy tells me what the twist is!” Giving a rather dramatic sigh, Pinkie placed her hoof back over her mouth, muttering sadly to herself and hoping Josh would come back for her.
Josh and Zecora trotted side-by-side, both ponies staying silent for the most part. The mature, calm stance of Zecora contracted the immature, arrogant stance of Josh, and yet ever since he first met the zebra as a human, the stallion could feel himself calmed in her presence. There was a strange aura about Zecora that none of the other ponies had. Plus, no matter how much Josh seemed to insult and mock her, Zecora never seemed to mind. That or she just tuned it out, due to her maturity and overall strong stature. Either way, the longer he lingered with the zebra, the more reluctant Josh felt towards acting like his usual jerk-like tendencies.
Taking a peculiar interest in the ground and his hooves, Josh’s eyes darted back and forth over the rough forest surface as he trotted along. “Uh…so, Zecora…how have you been since our last meeting?” Josh tried his hardest to sound like he wasn’t really interested and was only trying to make small talk, but it hard to tell what Zecora was thinking behind her mysterious glowing eyes and her rugged exterior.
“Doing well, I have, since our last meeting; it was quite sad that your visit was so fleeting.” Zecora glanced sideways at Josh, her lips curled into a quaint smile as she admired the stallion. “Seeing you again is quite a delight. I also hope that you, yourself, have been doing alright.”
“Believe me, Zecora, I’ve made reservations at a few cliffs that I’ve wanted to jump off of during the past week,” Josh admitted, rolling his eyes when all he got out of Zecora was a content grin, “It hasn’t been easy becoming a stupid pony. I miss my hands, I miss walking on my hind legs, I can’t use this stupid horn for anything other than jabbing Rainbow Dash in the butt, I hate these useless wings, I feel exposed without having to wear any clothes, I hate the food here in Equestria, and all of that is just the first half of my list of things I hate about this world…the first half of page one of my dozen or so pages!”
Despite her pleasant grin, Zecora closed her eyes and hummed to herself as she continued to trot along the path towards her home. The strong fragrance resonating from her saddlebags continued to escalate with each passing moment. “They say that hatred can only be felt when spurred by emotions that can make the heart melt.”
“What the hell is THAT supposed to mean? For that matter, what does anything you say mean?” Josh gave himself a face-hoof out of pure annoyance. Sometimes, Zecora frustrated him when she spoke in, what Josh liked to call, ‘Shakespearian gibberish’. It was at that moment when Josh happened to glance at Zecora’s saddlebags again. He blinked in confusion and did a double take. The tufts of bright plants sticking out the sides of the carriers were now yellow.
That’s weird. Weren’t those flowers or whatever the hell they are orange before? Did they change colors or something? Ugh, trying to make sense of this world is like trying to understand Lady Gaga and her sense of fashion. If you attempt to do so, you get a huge headache and wish you were dead. Josh took note that the sweet honey smell that he and Pinkie had smelled before was now a strong lemony scent instead.
“Take what you want out of what I speak; I may lack clarity, but I am always discrete.” Zecora peered up ahead, raising a hoof to shield a thin beam of sunlight from the forest canopy casting its blinding glow onto her eyes. “Even in the darkest of lands, a beam of light always takes command. It is rather odd, I might say, how even the simplest of things can spark your day.”
That…was an odd thing to say. What the hell goes in inside this girl’s head? She’s like a quiet black human girl who sits in the corner of a library, staring out the window and reading a Greek tragedy that’s a poor knockoff of Shakespeare!
“Er…uh…what’s that flower in your pack?” Josh continued, pointing with a hoof towards Zecora’s saddlebags. The lemony smell continued to linger with the strong yellow hue still dotting the hidden plants. The longer Josh continued to be in Zecora’s presence, the more curious he got over the strange plants. He couldn’t stand not knowing something.
“Ah, curious you are about this flower? Like the poison joke, it contains much power.” Halting in her tracks, Zecora reached back into her pack and grasped one of the bright plants. As she tugged it out for Josh to see, the stallion took a few steps back. The memory of what the blue poison joke flower had done to him was always fresh in his mind, since he was still suffering its affects.
The flower was no bigger than poison joke, but its colors were much more vibrant and alluring. He couldn’t be sure, but Josh swore he could see the petals pulsating in Zecora’s hoof. The flower itself had six petals, each one shaped like a heart. The plant was only about three inches long, and even though its current color was yellow, Josh was confident he had seen it in orange. Oddly enough, the longer he stared at it, the more his heart seemed to beat inside his chest. There was something mystical and odd about this plant; Josh wasn’t sure if he really wanted to know or not what it was.
“It is clear, dear Josh, that you are most enthralled; an emotion lily is what this flower is called. Very strong properties this flower does hold. Do sit back and listen to the facts that unfold.” Zecora sat down on the forest path, locking eyes with Josh to let him know that she was about to explain everything to him, and that she wanted his attention. Josh granted her request by not dismissing her and telling her to go jump off a cliff. “An emotion lily is quite a rare find; it is never easy to find one of its kind. Each flower has six petals, all shaped like hearts, to showcase the heart and the brains’ biggest parts.”
“The heart and the brains’ biggest parts? Oh, right…the brain has a left and a right side, and a heart has four sectors…I think.” Josh mused a little, tilting his head as he tried to remember his health classes in school. “I wish I had paid more attention in class instead of sleeping and dreaming about ruling the world. Funny how things like this come up in real life, you know?”
Choosing to either ignore Josh, Zecora continued on. “As I said, this flower is rather strange and unique; it can know when its holder is sad and weeps. You see, Josh, an emotion lily can connect with one’s soul. Are you warm and gentle inside, or as hard and rough as coal? This flower knows the emotions of those around it. Its current color will change to go with what it sees fit. Jealousy, love, sorrow, and joy; this flower will treat your heart as its toy. The petals can be used to make a very strong potion, which can be used to eradicate a very dark notion. For you see, dear Josh, these flowers are pure. No evil can touch them, or thorns of pain they will endure!”
“Uh…okay…so, let me see if I can sum all this up,” Josh said slowly, squinting and trying to make sense of everything Zecora explained. “So, these flowers are called ‘emotion lilies’, which ironically plays on the word ‘emotionally’. They all have six petals, because our brains and hearts have a total of six sections, and our brains and our hearts are where our emotions come from. The reason they change colors is because they can somehow sense the emotions and feelings of those around them, and the colors they change to match the essence of emotion they sense. Finally, no one who is evil can hold the flowers, or else the seemingly-innocent plants will hurt the evil person with some kind of defense mechanism. Oh, and they apparently can make a potion that can be used to…purify you…or something.”
“When it comes to my words, I see you are not a fan. However, for the gist, I think you understand.”
“Whatever. Can I see one of those things?” Zecora complied and handed over the emotion lily, letting Josh take it in his hoof instead and admire it up close. It felt warm to the touch, and almost seemed to pulse in his hoof. It was like it had a heart of its own. Just holding the flower and staring at it made Josh realize he was dealing with another supernatural plant that was probably more dangerous than Zecora let on. Interestingly enough, Josh felt his hoof sting a little bit as he held the flower.
Ow. Damn, first it was warm, but now it’s freaking hot! It’s like holding a boiling pot of water in your hand…hoof, whatever. How the hell was Zecora holding it for so long? Shaking his head, he quickly tossed it back to the zebra a moment later, muttering under his breath in annoyance while rubbing his hoof over his chest to dull the searing pain. Well, whatever. This was a total waste of time. Why do I continue to try so hard to learn more about this place? Let’s just get that antidote already so I can finally change back into a human!
“So…why did you need those things anyway? And where exactly did you find them?” Josh returned to trotting along, hoping Zecora got the hint to do the same. He was starting to get impatient.
“These flowers are found in a small clearing due east of my home. An area of the Everfree where sunshine streams in and no animals roam.” Zecora indeed caught on and returned to walking alongside the stallion. “As for why I needed them…that I cannot disclose. There are even some things that are not meant for another’s nose.”
“Uh…so…basically, that means…not to be nosy?”
Zecora gave Josh a little grin, winking at him as well. “Once more, a fan of my words you are not. But, despite our differences, you clearly understand a lot.”
“I’ll take that as meaning ‘yes, Josh, that’s correct’. Remember when I said that I moved you down a notch on the ‘Equestrian Idiot’ ladder? Well, I’m moving you one rung right back up for that.”
Zecora chuckled softly, swaying her flanks a little and playfully nudging Josh’s side when one swayed too close. The stallion frowned to himself and just shook his head. He was going to go nuts wondering what Zecora was gathering those emotion lilies for. He could always attempt to use his manipulation skills on Zecora to get her to spill the beans, or in the very least threaten her in some way. There was also blackmail, bribery, seduction, begging, and physical violence as well. All were good choices, but deep in his mind, a little voice was telling him that it wasn’t worth it. So, he decided to drop it.
One minute later, the twosome finally reached Zecora’s hut. The little home in the forest was just the way Josh remembered it: strange and freaky-looking. The same foreboding feeling of not wanting to go inside lingered in the back of his head, since the last time he had been inside, he had underwent a dramatic physical change. Even if it wasn’t Zecora’s fault, the stallion was still weary of her. The zebra was so weird and so unusual. But, he supposed it was because he thought of Zecora was though she was a black female human. Back on Earth, Josh honestly never spent a lot of time with black people, so it was only natural he felt a tad out of place.
“Do come in, Josh, and I will give you your cure,” Zecora said, pushing her way through her front door and beckoning Josh to follow her, “Your antidote has been ready for some time; it will fix you for sure!”
“I should hope so. But why haven’t you gotten ahold of me until now, huh?” Josh growled and stomped inside after Zecora, shutting the door behind his back with one of his hind legs. “Haven’t you had the antidote for at least a week now? Have you been having a ball thinking about me suffering being a pony during all this time? Why, you evil little zebra…”
“Dear Josh, do not judge me, you have got it all wrong. Allow me to clarify; it will not take long.” Zecora trotted over to her potion shelf, trailing a hoof through an assortment of jars, containers, vials, and other holders of multicolored liquids and potions. “As much as I would love to help you in your current plight, to get back to your new form is not my fight. Surely if you had wanted to be turned back so very bad, you would have come to see me sooner, and then your antidote you would’ve had.”
Growling a little bit, Josh wanted to argue, but he knew that Zecora was right. It was his own fault for not getting turned back sooner. If he had wanted to be back as a human so badly, he would’ve run back to see Zecora first thing after getting out of Twilight and her friends’ presence. Blaming Zecora for not coming to find him was unfair, since she didn’t even HAVE to make the antidote for him. Not only that, but it wasn’t even her fault that he had been changed into a pony. It was his own fault.
Zecora smiled to herself when Josh didn’t respond to her, realizing that he knew he was wrong. Proud of the fact that Josh was acting mature for once, Zecora hummed and continued to look through her potions. “Let’s see…now, where did I put that? I do remember mixing it up in a rather large vat. Hmm…oh, yes, here we are! It was in plain sight and not at all that far.” Reaching behind a large jar filled with gooey purple liquid, Zecora gently grasped a tall cylinder in her mouth and began to trot back to Josh. The stallion had taken a seat on the same cushion as last time, trying hard to not stare at Zecora’s rump the entire time the zebra had her back to him.
The glass vial that Zecora held out with her mouth to Josh contained a light blue liquid which was mostly transparent. Soft bubbles popped over the surface of the watery substance, tiny salt-like pebbles floating all over within the concoction. Josh eagerly reached out and grasped the cylinder with both hooves, not wanting anything to happen to it. This was it! He was finally going to change back into a human! No more trotting around on four hooves. No more feeling exposed…hopefully his clothes would morph back with him. No more feeling like he was on the same level as all the other ponies. He was finally going to get his body back! Surely all he had to do was drink this potion and he would be changed back and that was that.
Just as Josh was about to pull the cork off the top of the vial with his teeth to get at the liquid inside, Zecora held up a hoof to stop him. “No, Josh, this potion is not meant to be ingested. Drinking this potion will surely make you congested. To cure poison joke, this potion must be applied to a bath. Soak in the healing waters, and the plant’s affects will be but a laugh.”
“Wait just a darn minute here. You’re telling me I have to take a bath for this to work? What the hell is this, Harry Potter or something?” Josh groaned, rolling his eyes back and glancing up at the ceiling. “Dear lord, why me? Why are things never easy? Why can’t I ever get things handed to me on a silver platter like I so richly deserve? Why?”
“Life’s game has many ups and downs. The agony of many ordeals creates painful sounds.” Zecora took her seat opposite Josh on her own cushion, always smiling the same pleasant grin she was accustomed to showcasing in Josh’s presence. “If everything was so easy, our lives would be dull. To challenge ourselves daily makes a dreary life null.”
“Oh, zip your lip already! I’m tired of your sermons. If you want to preach to someone, go and preach to Twilight! Something tells me she’d probably take notes and actually enjoy what you have to say!” Josh’s face turned a slight shade of pink at how close Zecora was sitting to him. The zebra always seemed to enjoy invading his personal space when he was around, which was only twice now.
Zecora said nothing to Josh’s insult, once more taking it in one ear and letting it fly out the other. Nothing seemed to bother her, which, for some reason, infuriated Josh. Getting a rise out of Twilight and her friends was so enjoyable and hilarious. It always made Josh’s day to see ponies whine, pout, complain, yell, or throw a fit at something he said or did. Zecora was so calm and so collected, so mature and so docile. Plus, the way she always smiled drove Josh up a wall. Without even trying, Zecora drove Josh absolutely insane.
It’s like she’s silently manipulating me! Is she playing mind games with me? Why are black girls always so smart and so good with words, not to mention scary? Damn you, Zecora! You and your attractive, deep voice and your stupid emotion lilies and your creepy home in the middle of a deadly forest and your pretty body and your…your…DAMN, STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!
“Josh…if you like, you may now leave. You have gotten what you came for, so you should no longer grieve.” Zecora finally broke her gaze at Josh, turning and looking at her door instead. “Simply dump the potion into a bath of your choice, and once you bathe for a good few minutes, you can soon rejoice. The poison joke’s affects will surely wear off; you will soon be back as a human, and to the ponies you can scoff.” The zebra closed her eyes and sighed a little to herself almost immediately upon finishing her statement. For once, she almost looked a little sad.
“Goody. So, all I have to do is commandeer some pony’s bathtub…hopefully when they’re not around, so there won’t be any embarrassments…and then while I get further mentally scarred from having to actually bathe inside a bathtub meant for a horse, I soak with this potion and I will be turned back into a human. Simple enough.” Josh was about to rise to his hooves, but since he now had a very important bottle in his midst and didn’t want anything to happen to it, he frowned and realized he had no way to actually carry it. It had been in Zecora’s mouth, so he wasn’t about to put it in his own.
Having somehow read Josh’s mind, Zecora silently ambled over to the other side of her bed and pulled out a spare saddlebag. It was slightly worn and a little faded, not to mention having a few rips here and there patched together with adequate sewing techniques. “Feel free to take this and do with it what you will. It is just here collecting dust; it should be strong enough to support your fill.”
“Uh…thanks, I guess,” Josh muttered, still not really enjoying the thought of wearing a saddlebag. He still had the one Pinkie gave to him, but he had left it behind at Applejack’s when he had lost his temper and stuffed it up the cowgirl’s mouth to shut her up. But, since he did not want to drop his important potion, he allowed Zecora to slide the saddlebag onto his back and soon inserted the vial into the left side.
“Good. That’ll keep it safe until I get to a place to take a bath. But, where would be a good place? Pinkie would probably pop up in the bathtub with me, and then I’d get in trouble for pony abuse, so that’s not a good idea. I can’t even get into Rainbow Dash’s home with these stupid faulty wings. Applejack’s bathtub is probably disgusting, so I’m not interested. For some reason, I fear for my virginity if I were to take a bath at Rarity’s; I have no idea why, but that’s just what I fear. Fluttershy’s would be good, but I swear to God, if that jackass of a rabbit barges in and demands to use the toilet while I’m taking a bath, I’m making rabbit stew. I suppose I could use Twilight’s bathtub, since she doesn’t seem likely to…am I amusing you?” Josh halted his speech when he noticed Zecora staring at him.
“No. You just…I like it when you talk.” Zecora whispered softly, leaning her head forward and nuzzling against Josh’s shoulder. “It can be lonely out here, especially when going on walks. It is not often that I get company, so I love it when ponies come and play. Most of them only want my assistance or my potions; none of them ever bother to stay. You, Josh, are so very interesting, and you fill my heart with glee. I…I cannot explain…the type of joy and excitement that you always bring me.”
What the HELL is she talking about? I’ve only seen her twice now! How in the world could I bring her joy and excitement? She really IS off her rocker! I’d better get out of here and fast, before she decides to tie me up and demand I watch her do yoga…or whatever it is crazy, psychotic black girls do when they decide to kidnap someone just for kicks.
Quickly, Josh got to his hooves and began to make haste trotting to Zecora’s door, the antidote gently bouncing up and down inside his saddlebag. He made it to the door without Zecora saying another word, which slightly alerted the stallion. Was Zecora planning something? Was this all a part of her master plan? Did she have the door booby-trapped somehow? A quick glance behind his back revealed that Zecora was firmly seated in the same place that he had left her. She was giving Josh the same smile, albeit somewhat sad now, and was waving a hoof to him. It really did seem like she was just watching him leave with his antidote.
What’s wrong, you idiot? Just leave already! You got what you came for, didn’t you? Well, just hurry up and go! Zecora is a nut-job and should be checked for mental instability and possible illegal witchcraft, among a couple dozen other things.
True…but, it just feels…well, wrong, Josh thought, his heart sinking into the pit of his chest as he stared at Zecora’s door, once more fighting an inner battle with himself. She looks so lonely, and she is really the only one in Equestria who hasn’t said or done one negative thing to me. Sure, she’s creepy, but…is it really fair to just continue to judge her just from her looks?
Duh, of course it is! Looks are everything! She’s living in a dark forest, you idiot. She plays with potions and other magical things that can potentially KILL YOU. She’s dark, she’s mysterious, she’s always smiling, she speaks in a deep voice, and she’s just psycho! Who cares if she looks lonely? Just hurry up and leave! You’ll regret it if you don’t!
But…no, I can’t do that. I gave all the other ponies a chance, and even if I don’t like them, I can’t just leave Zecora in the dust. How would I feel if I was living all by myself in a deep, dark forest? Sure, I’d probably like it, but…ugh, forget it. I’m just gonna spend some time with her. it’s better than going back to Pinkie and the others for right now.
Don’t come crying to me if she chops you up and puts you in to a stew then.
Who the hell are you anyway?
When he got no answer, Josh just shook his head and turned back to look at Zecora. “Hey. Uh, Zecora?”
“Yes, Josh?” Zecora perked up at hearing the stallion speak to her again. The twinkle in her eye almost made it look like she was hopeful he had something important to say or do.
“Look…the ponies annoy me, and I see them 24/7. So…uh…if it’s cool with you, I think I’ll just hang out here awhile, alright?” Josh casually slid his saddlebag off his back, trying to make it seem like he was hating the idea. “That is, if you don’t mind me keeping you company for a little…”
Josh was interrupted when Zecora eagerly bounded forward, bowing her head and wrapping her neck around the stallion’s in the usual pony hug. Their bodies were pressed incredibly close, so close that Josh could feel Zecora’s quickening heartbeat and her warm breath on the back of his neckline. “Josh, I would love nothing more. Come, let’s get you on a cushion and off of this floor.”
In no time at all, Josh found himself spending the day with Zecora. He was in for a long ride of lectures on how to brew potions, sharing of books on interesting wildlife and exotic plants, show and tell involving Zecora’s artifacts from her homelands, embarrassing bonding moments where Zecora tried to get Josh to share facts about himself, and much more. Even though he wanted to use the antidote as soon as possible, paying Zecora back in whatever way he could only seemed fair, after all.
A long story was the perfect cure for insomnia every single time. Josh never suffered from a lack of sleep, but easy to say one of Zecora’s stories about her homeland lulled him into a deep slumber. His comfy cushion that warmed him to the bone was probably another factor leading to his unexpected snooze. Either way, Zecora’s gentle, deep voice made Josh’s eyelids relax further and further, his tranquil, deadpan expression slipping further and further off his face. Eventually, as Zecora continued to talk while trying to find her scrapbook, Josh’s body collapsed beneath him.
His mind entered the realm of darkness that comprised the hollow sanctum of his consciousness and inner feelings. Josh’s body reverted to its numb, vulnerable position as he found his inner being floating in the sea of solitude and blackness once again. When his eyes weakly creaked open, he was met with the strange, red demon that had been haunting him ever since coming to Equestria. This time around, the specter was already floating right in front of Josh’s face. Its glowing red eyes drilled their way into Josh’s soul, attempting to intimidate and possess him once more.
Well, look who it is! If it isn’t my old friend, the demon! Josh thought sarcastically, for once not showing any signs of fear or terror at being in such an unusual, out-of-body experience. It’s SO nice to see you, let me tell ya. What have you been up to, huh? Let me guess; you’ve been living in my mind and body and just waiting for the perfect moment to do something weird and creepy, right?
The demon’s ever-changing physical form swirled furiously around in front of Josh’s floating mental image. The stallion’s body floated gently in the dark landscape of his mind, but for the first time, it didn’t seem as foreboding and as cold as it used to. Facing down the demon of his mind the past two times had been a terrifying and gut-wrenching experience. The first time he had blacked out, he had only faced the darkness containing either the earth or Equestria, without the demon invading his thoughts. The second time, at Applejack’s, Josh had gone to sleep with a heavy heart and woke up in a cold sweat and feeling terrified after encountering the red-eyed devil for the first time. Finally, with Twilight Sparkle, Josh had blacked out while trying to channel his inner magic, and had lost control of his body for a little while before managing to reclaim it. Now, there was no fear in his mind.
Look, you ugly, creepy, personal space invader. I don’t know what your game is, but I’m sick and tired of it! Josh narrowed his eyes, growling and bravely shoving his face towards the crimson pupils of the demon. Why don’t you just get outta here and go back to hell where you belong? I don’t need you haunting my mind and making me look like a freak, okay? I’m about to change myself back into a human, and humans aren’t allowed to have weird inner demons inside their bodies. If that happens, they get submitted to an insane asylum, and I know for sure that I am not EVER going into one. So, make like an unwanted in-law, and get lost!
Josh’s sneer increased as he tried shoving his face into the red eyes of the demon, his newfound confidence stemming from his fresh nonchalant attitude involving Equestria. Why should he have to fear something like this anymore? Whatever it was, if it killed him or took over his body or whatever, he could care less. He was living on the edge until he could go back home, so this meant nothing. The longer his confident smirk remained plastered on his face, the blurrier and more rattled the outline of the demon seemed to become. Eventually, a soft growl emanated around the black background and the familiar red eyes vanished.
Opening his eyes a moment later, Josh yawned and smacked his lips a few times. It didn’t seem like he had slept that long at all. In fact, Zecora was still talking while attempting to locate her proper scrapbook from her crowded bookshelves. With her back to him, the stallion casually raised himself back up from a sleeping position and blinked a few times to readjust his eyes to the dim lights in the cramped hut. He wasn’t quite sure what had happened, but Josh soon came to realize that his body wasn’t numb, nor was it drenched in cold sweat. Was his “dream” too short to simply cause any kind of paranormal body activity? Did his lack of fear make it impossible for the demon inside of him to resonate? He had no idea.
Weird…I zonk out for two seconds, and not only is Zecora still blabbering like all women do, but I encounter my red-eyed friend again inside of my mind and I feel great! Josh chuckled softly to himself, not wanting to interrupt Zecora. He casually lifted his left foreleg and flexed a nonexistent muscle, which seemed to thrill and excite him. Giving his tiny muscle a kiss, Josh closed his eyes and proudly stuck his muzzle in the air. Aw yeah, baby! You see that? You can’t touch this! I ain’t scared of no ghosts! I’m as solid as a rock, as sharp as a tack, as smart as a politician who knows how to scam the American people so he can become president, as cool as the other side of my pillow, as brave as…
“Josh, you seem to sag in your girth. Is my story causing you a lack of mirth?” Zecora had finally pulled out her scrapbook with her teeth, gently setting it down on her small table before glancing over in Josh’s direction. She had known where her scrapbook was the entire time; the zebra had been stalling for time just so that Josh would listen to her. When was she going to get the chance to have someone willing to spend time with her without them simply wanting advice on remedies or potions or something out of the ordinary? Seeing the dazed and lackadaisical expression on Josh’s face made Zecora’s heart sink.
“Hmm?” Josh shook his head, scattering his daydreams of how awesome he was, as he glanced over at the zebra. Her ears were flattened against her skull, her usual smile turned upside down. “Oh, no, your story isn’t…uh…” He frowned for a second as he translated Zecora’s phrase. “…making me sad or bored or whatever. I was just…er…admiring your beauty and feeling a bit dizzy from getting such an honor?”
Zecora’s left ear perked back up, her lips curling back up into an amused grin almost instantly. Her tail wagged slightly as she nosed her scrapbook to the center of the table and sat down on one of the surrounding cushions. “I see. You most certainly have a way with words. What you choose to say is never deterred.” A deep chuckle escaped her lips, the zebra patting the cushion next to her with a wry grin. “Come, my dear Josh, please come and view. Of my precious possessions, this scrapbook is one of few. For you to see my past, I would be most delighted. My memories will leave you no longer feeling shortsighted.” She continued to pat the cushion next to her.
“You know, back on my world, we have zebras as well,” Josh said sarcastically, getting up and idly trotting towards Zecora, “They’re rather loud, obnoxious, stupid, irritating, and are quite full of themselves. We call them referees.” Zecora just shook her head and said nothing, leaving Josh to simply sit down on the purple cushion next to her and resign himself to actually paying attention to her this time. It was already embarrassing enough not knowing what Zecora thought of him complimenting her beauty in an over-exaggerated way.
Reaching around to give Josh a gentle pat on his back, which resulted in Josh’s wings starting to twitch and Josh silently cursing his hormones, Zecora used her free hoof to pull the ragged scrapbook in front of the pair. The cover and binding was made out of a heavy material that Josh assumed was tree bark or part of another thick plant. Wrinkled, ripped scrolls hung limply along the edges, looking like they could fall out at any moments. Pieces of cloth and other random, flat items protruded the edges of the scrapbook as Zecora pulled open the first page.
“My first potion brewed was quite a flop. It created a fizz that just would not stop.” Zecora pointed to one of the first photographs she had, showing a much younger version of herself fleeing from a bubbling cauldron overflowing with a curious blue liquid. “And here we see my homeland friends. Through sheer kindness, gifts they sometimes send.” Another photograph showed a young Zecora with a group of slightly older zebras, mostly female, who had even wackier piercings than she did. “Here is a patient of whose sickness ailed him so. With my skills developed early, my remedy quickly cured his woe.” Yet another picture showed a sick male zebra in bed, giving an adolescent Zecora a thankful smile while holding a cup filled with a yellow fluid.
“Bah, pictures are so useless,” Josh yawned, speaking his mind as he always did. “Back on my world, I never cared for pictures. What’s the point of looking at things that already happened? Memories are just memories and nothing more. Acting like a dumbass and staring at them like they actually mean something just makes you dependent on the past, and that’s never a good thing.”
Zecora cocked a brow again, glancing at Josh and giving a gentle frown. “Dependency on that which has already happened is indeed foolish. But, sometimes, to cure a lonely heart, recovering memories is one’s only wish. Is it so wrong to have a memento of that which makes you smile? To feel joy, even if for just a moment, is not at all vile.”
What garbage. Why bring up the past? Keeping memories of things that have already happened is such a STUPID thing to do! What good is it? It’s just utter bullcrap and nothing more. Ooh, wow, I have lovey-dovey pictures of that time I scraped my knee while riding my first bike and mommy dearest kissed my boo-boo all better. Ooh, joy, I have an autograph from Jimmy Johnson, just because he races a stupid car around a track two hundred times and it’s apparently a talent. Ooh, baby, I have pictures of my so-called friends while we were hugging each other during a babyish campout, even though it was all fake and I was forced to go there against my will. Bah, such garbage. It’s sickening, really.
“Why did you leave your homelands anyway, Zecora?” Josh asked, deciding to change the subject as he idly flicked through random pages of the zebra’s scrapbook in hopes of seeing something worth laughing at. “Seriously, no offense, but Ponyville and the Everfree Forest aren’t exactly places Kim Kardashian would pick to live at. Then again, why am I making a reference to Kim when she’s an idiot as it is?” When Zecora gave him an utterly baffled look, the stallion rolled his eyes and cursed the differences between Earth and Equestria. “In other words…why did you leave your home to come to a dump like this?”
“Dear Josh, what may be a dump to you is a paradise to me. A change of scenery is what my future held in store to see.” Zecora casually turned to another page of her scrapbook, showing Josh a picture with older, taller zebras giving Zecora a gentle hug with tears in their eyes. “My parents bid me farewell when it was time for me to go. All offspring must one day stretch their wings and experience the world as so. My homeland will always be just that, a place that I love and cherish. But, my heart is with Ponyville and the Everfree, my new home until the day I perish.”
Josh’s eyes gazed down over the picture of Zecora hugging her parents. Next to the somewhat-younger Zecora was a large trunk on wheels, a rope attached to her waist to obviously help her pull the heavy crate along. The zebra’s parents looked sad, with the mother crying a little and the father giving his daughter pats on the back. Zecora herself had her eyes closed while hugging each of the older equines. Off to the side in the picture, Josh saw the same zebras that Zecora had proclaimed to be her friends. It looked like it was the last picture taken of Zecora before she left her native lands. The longer Josh stared at the fond memento, the angrier and more confused he became.
“This…this is…stupid!” he snapped, slapping the scrapbook aside and shoving his face into Zecora’s. “How could you just leave your home like that? The place where you were born and raised? The place where your friends and family are? The place you know the best? What the hell’s the matter with you? This makes no freaking sense! You actually have parents that loved you and cared for you, and you left them? You apparently had friends, and you left them as well? Why, just for a change of scenery? Just because you’re ‘supposed to leave the nest’ one day? That’s a pitiful excuse to just leave your home!”
Not even flinching at Josh’s rage, Zecora gently edged away from the angry stallion’s fierce glare and went to retrieve her battered scrapbook. A page had been ripped out due to Josh’s brashness, but the zebra simply tucked it back into the seams and didn’t show any signs of anger. When she next spoke, after sitting back down a few inches away from the red-faced Josh, her voice remained calm and collective as she stared into Josh’s eyes. “Your rage is not directed at me, but rather at yourself. You hurt because you are no longer home; your heart is tucked deep onto a shelf.”
“ENOUGH WITH YOUR CYNICISM! JUST TELL ME WHAT THE HELL YOU MEAN!”
A deep sigh breathed out of Zecora’s lips, her eyes closing as she avoided Josh’s violent eyes. “You are a lost puppy, taken away from your home against your will. Seeing others having accepted leaving their homes leaves a void in your heart that must be filled. You wish to return home, but you do not know the way. You hate everything around you, and yet here you are forced to stay. You shun others for their differences, and belittle them for their beliefs. Your hate is not directed at anypony here, but acting so callous is your way of relief. Josh, you are scared, and you are confused, this much is true. A lost puppy away from its home never knows what to do. Anger swells deep within you; I can see it in your eyes. But, deep in your heart, it is not me that you despise.”
At this point, Josh was trembling and wanting nothing more to punch Zecora square in the face. His eyes clenched tightly, his hooves forming tight fists of rage. His heart pounded inside his chest as his anger continued to fuel his defiance and hatred. He couldn’t hit Zecora; he would not let his anger take over his body. He was not his father. He refused to be his father. As much as he struggled to refute and deny everything that Zecora said, he knew that she was starting to hit the nail right on the head. Josh was no match against Zecora’s wit and intelligence, and being outwitted always drove Josh into a rage.
“You…you…you lie…everything you say is a lie…it’s all lies…every single freaking word…is a lie!” he stammered, his voice cracked as he choked out his words. Being calmly and so precisely ripped apart with nothing but words was causing him to snap. “I…I am not confused…I just want to go home! I miss my home! I don’t belong here! I DO HATE ALL YOU EQUESTRIANS! YOU ALL ARE FAKE! YOU ARE NOT REAL AND YOU DO NOT KNOW ME!”
“If I do not know you, then who does, may I ask? Why do you continue to hide behind your enflamed mask?” Zecora leaned forward a little bit more, now opening her eyes again. She knew that Josh needed to see her eyes. The eyes always calmed another soul’s when they were about to erupt.
Kill…no, don’t kill! She…she is…wrong! She has to be wrong! Why does everything she say make my blood boil? Why? WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY? DAMMIT! GOD, TELL ME, WHY!
“Sometimes, Joshua, home is not where your heart belongs. Fate works in mysterious ways, but your destiny is what it will usually prolong.” Zecora scooted closer to Josh, reaching out and gently touching one of Josh’s hoofed fists with her own gentle hoof. She knew that she could easily be attacked at any moment, but she did not care. She was not a fighter. “I do love my home, but this is my home now, and I am proud of that. This is where my heart belongs, but if I ever go back, my family will provide their welcome mat.”
Maim her…crush her…destroy her…wipe that smile off her face…rip her to pieces…strangle her…
“There is no reason to be scared of that which you do not understand. Home is where your heart is, not simply a piece of land. You must ask yourself one question, and one question alone: where, in my mind, is the one place that I truly wish to call home?” Zecora took Josh’s other hoofed fist in her other hoof, gently pulling herself into a gentle hug.
As soon as her body touched his, she closed her eyes and laid her neck alongside the stallion’s. She could feel his heartbeat pounding a mile a minute; the harsh force of the beating nearly knocked Zecora away. Josh’s entire body was hot, easily enhanced by his inner rage, but Zecora was determined to cool him down. She held him tightly, wrapping her hooves around his back and nuzzling her face against his cheek. All the while, Josh himself kept his eyes clenched shut, his teeth continuing to grind in his mouth as his body froze in the zebra’s embrace.
Get off me…don’t touch me…I hate you…I hate you all…let me go, right now…I will kill you…I will…
“Shut up,” Josh whispered, his eyes flicking open a moment later. “Stop telling me…what to do. I’m not a child. I can handle this…let me talk.” Apparently, Zecora knew that he was not talking to her, but rather his inner demon trying to cause his temper and his deadly thoughts to intensify. “Zecora…I hate my home. I hate it so much. It’s filled with hate and it’s filled with such evil, disgusting, horrible people that I wish I never came to knew. But…that is where I was born. That is where I was raised. I am a human being, not a pony. No matter what a little flower might do, it is just an illusion. It’s not real. I’m a human, and therefore…I belong on Earth. As much as I hate it…it’s where I belong.”
“That is a choice that only you can make. You must choose yourself which life you want to take.” Zecora trailed her hooves up Josh’s back, resting them on his shoulders as she leaned back and stared into his eyes. Their faces lay inches apart from one another. “But, you seem to think using only your brain. Your heart wishes to speak, but it is being restrained. Why do you wish to go back to a place that fills you with pain? Just because you were born a human, such a choice does not seem sane.”
“Zecora…I hate this world, too. I’m trying my damn best, but…I don’t think I can continue to lie to myself. I am not a pony. I do not like Twilight Sparkle, or Rarity, or Rainbow Dash, or Fluttershy, or…or Pinkie Pie, or Applejack…and I do not like you. I’m sorry, but I don’t.” His eyes averted Zecora’s gaze, feeling like he did not earn the right to look at them anymore. His words were far too harsh, but they were the truth, weren’t they? He DID hate them.
“Hate is a very strong word that should not be used lightly,” Zecora whispered, resting her hoof under Josh’s chin to gently force his eyes back upon hers. “Ask yourself one more time if your ‘hate’ is not overblown, even just slightly.”
Josh found himself staring back into Zecora’s dazzling green eyes. Such beautiful pupils to compliment her stunning body, her deep and lavish voice, and her vast knowledge and wisdom. Her hold on his shoulders was not tense, but gentle and soft. Her chest pressed into his, their pounding hearts soon merging into one. Josh’s anger subsided, his heart beating in tune to the humming of the zebra’s. Was Zecora’s hind legs wrapped around his waist? He couldn’t tell; he felt that the lower part of his body was numb by this point. All he could focus on was Zecora’s words and her eyes. Mostly her eyes.
A visit from my inner demon or whatever…a stupid look through a scrapbook…a harsh talk about homes and Kim Kardashian…and now I feel weird again. The same way I felt when I was with Twilight during my first week…and with Fluttershy, and Applejack, and Pinkie, and Rarity…and even with Rainbow Dash. What…what is this odd feeling? I just don’t understand what this is. So I’m being held by a female…and I’m staring into her eyes…and I think her legs are wrapped around me…what exactly happens? Do I…tickle her?
“Zecora…I…I do hate you all…I do, really!” Josh found himself really struggling to speak for some reason. He hated not being able to talk properly; he valued his mouth almost as much as he valued his big brain. “I…what is that supposed to mean, anyway? Even if I didn’t hate you ponies…what, you expect me to just tell my home ‘screw you’ and stay here on Equestria? That’s seriously…COULD YOU BACK UP SO I CAN TALK WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT OUR MOUTHS TOUCHING?”
For possibly the first time, Zecora seemed a little rattled. Her lips had come within centimeters of touching Josh’s, her eyes even starting to droop a little. Upon hearing Josh scream at her, she gasped weakly and felt blood rushing to her cheeks. “Oh…oh, my apologies…I do not know what came over me. I…I will let you go…and let you be…”
Huh…a blushing zebra. You know, I could make SO many lame jokes right now about that, but…nah, that’s what loser humans do when they don’t know any GOOD jokes. Josh snickered to himself as he watched Zecora quickly turn away after letting him go, the zebra holding her face in her hooves and seemingly breathing very deeply. What the hell is WRONG with these Equestrian girls? They act so freaking weird when they’re trying to comfort a guy. Why can’t all girls be like this back home? No, back home, if I was feeling down, girls would just laugh, or point and snicker, or take a picture on their iPhone, or just lame a comment like ‘oh my gosh, you are SUCH a loser’ or something like that. Women.
“Thank you. Now, back to what I was saying.” Josh cleared his throat, rolling his eyes and frowning slightly as he watched Zecora muttering to herself and clutching her heart. “What the hell are you doing? Do you want to hear the rest of my answer or not?”
“Oh…right, of course…I apologize once more. Please, do continue on…let me know what is in store.” Zecora quickly sat down and tried to calm her labored breathing, the crimson starting to leave her cheeks and allow them to return to their normal color. She was now desperately trying to avoid staring into Josh’s eyes.
“Good. Now, Zecora, let me just finish up by asking you this. What do you expect me to do? Yes, I hate planet Earth. It sucks and I have no one there that I care about. But, I’m still a human, and no amount of potion or flowers will ever change that. I also hate this world, since all you ponies and other creatures are incredibly mane and stupid. What am I supposed to do? I HAVE to choose one of the worlds to live on, and I hate both of them! So, wouldn’t it make most sense to go back home, since I am and forever will be a human at heart?”
“Josh…once again…I cannot answer that. That choice is yours to make, and that is a fact. The answer will play itself out in due time. One’s heart can change as fast as I can rhyme.” Zecora glanced down towards her lower belly, flushing as she crossed her hind legs for some reason. “That antidote you have in your saddlebag is the key. What you choose to do with that is what your answer will be.”
Groaning and expressing his sheer displeasure at not getting a definitive answer or at least a little bit advice on what he should do, Josh grumbled and turned away from the weird zebra. “Whatever. Like I was actually giving it any REAL thought. I just need to get to a bath and use this antidote, then harass your dumbass princess until she finds a spell to send me home, and that’s that. You Equestrians can have fun getting a good view of my ass as I leave!” He laughed his head off at that.
Before Zecora could respond to Josh’s comment, the door to the zebra’s hut was soon opened, a familiar face poking inside. “Hello? Yo, Josh, there you are! Twilight’s been looking for you.” Spike frowned a little bit as he spoke to the stallion. To this very day, the two males still did not like each other.
“Did she perhaps find a way to open up a rift in time that can send me back home?” Josh asked hopefully, his ears perking up in delight.
“Uh…no. She thinks she found a new way to help you use magic.” Spike rolled his eyes, crossing his arms and not looking very rushed at explaining things to Josh. “I think it involves some kind of therapeutic massage or something that’s supposed to possibly unblock a magical barrier inside your head that perhaps is blocking your magic from being able to find its way to your horn…or something. I don’t know; I wasn’t really paying attention.”
“Yeah, I can see how that’s possible, given how big my brain is. It’s no wonder that a barrier could be blocking my magic.”
Spike made a face, before opening his mouth and sticking out his tongue, making a hacking sound as he pointed into it. “You make me sick.”
“And your face repulses me as well, you stupid reptile.” Josh immaturely stuck his tongue out at the dragon, who snarled and instantly began cracking his knuckles in retaliation.
“I’ll teach you to mess with a dragon!” Spike began stomping over to Josh, before freezing for a moment and pointing a finger in the air with a thoughtful expression on his face. “Oh, right. I think I passed Pinkie Pie on my way here. She had her hoof over her mouth and I think she had her legs clenched or something; probably needed to use the bathroom, given the strained look on her face. Do either of you know what that was about?”
“Yeah, I told her to put her hoof over her mouth so I didn’t have to hear her…guess she never decided to actually stop.” Josh shrugged. “It’s not my problem. Now, where were we?”
“Right about HERE!” Spike lunged at Josh, tackling the surprised stallion down and proceeding to use his claws to great effect. While Josh shrieked and tried to pathetically fight off the enraged baby dragon, Zecora just sighed and shook her head nearby. Her home always seemed to be the epicenter for chaos, and it didn’t seem like that would be changing today.
“You’re an ass, you know that? I could add a few choice words to ‘ass’ to better make my case, but I won’t.”
“Yeah? Well, you’re a jerk, so how about that? Simple, to the point, and perfectly justified.”
“I’m also getting sick and tired of getting my butt handed to me by all of you stupid animals!”
“Maybe you should learn how to fight? Or maybe you should actually try being nice for once?”
“I don’t get paid to be nice.”
“You don’t get paid at all.”
“Have I mentioned just how much I hate dragons?”
Traversing down the trail leading away from Zecora’s hut was no picnic, especially when dealing with a snooty dragon, Josh found out. The claw marks his body was now decorated with only served to further irritate the stallion. He could now add Spike to his list of beaters, joining the ranks of Applejack, Rarity, Derpy Hooves, and Angel. It really did seem that Josh was going for the gold in getting beaten up by the most colorful assortment of creatures. He had now been beaten by all three breeds of pony, a rabbit, and a dragon. He could only imagine what was next on the list.
Josh shot Spike dirty looks out of the corner of his eye as he stomped down the path alongside the baby dragon. Spike reciprocated all the looks with ones of equal or possibly greater value. The dragon wasn’t really that amused when Josh first came to Equestria, since the human had been making him more and more easy to ignore. The fact that he was hogging a lot of Twilight and Rarity’s attention didn’t help the matter. Plus, the fact that Josh had laughed at him when he slept over at Twilight’s home one night for sleeping in a tiny basket further angered the dragon. Easy to say, being sent to find and retrieve him wasn’t a rather enjoyable feeling.
“What’re you looking at?” Spike snapped, catching Josh glaring at him for a longer period of time than the usual five seconds.
“Whatever I want, fool. If you don’t like it, go find a cliff to jump off!” Josh spat back, attempting to use his tail to slap Spike’s rump, but still finding it difficult to actually do so. A week was not enough time to get used to a new body.
“Look, I don’t know what your game is, but I sure don’t like it!” Spike cracked his knuckles once more, silently threatening Josh and daring him to say something to provoke him again. “Ever since you came here, your agenda has been nothing more than to hurt ponies and hog Twilight and Rarity. Thanks to you, Rarity hardly calls me over to help her anymore, and Twilight has been doing most of my chores herself due to trying to find out more about you!”
Josh caught the flicker of pain in Spike’s eyes, causing the former human to smirk deviously and realize what this was really about. “Aww, isn’t that cute? The poor little dragon is jealous of the handsome, intelligent, freaking-amazing guy who came from another world taking the stupid females out of his life. Does the poor baby need his bottle and a pacifier? Maybe a little cuddle to stop the crocodile tears?”
Simply put, Josh was no longer in school, so the lessons of life continued to go as a failing grade on his report card. All that the inferno within Spike’s eyes caused was an uproar of laughter from Josh, the stallion falling over and going into hysterics. Spike was trembling in a silent rage, both fists clenched with his fangs bared as he glowered at the laughing, mocking stallion beneath his feet. His usually-serene and playful emerald slits compiling his eye sockets were now replaced with deadly, fiery crimson pupils. The dragon’s heart pounded inside his heart, each laugh from Josh inciting more and more rage within him. Never before had he wanted so badly to show the true merit of a dragon’s claws and fangs on another living being, pony or not.
After a good full minute of constant and immature giggling without hearing so much as a peep out of his victim of mockery, Josh tried to calm down and take a few deep breaths. All that laughing was hard on the stomach, after all. His cheeks were now red and he could feel tears getting ready to fall as well. Since he wasn’t getting pummeled to death by Spike, Josh assumed that the dragon had simply stomped off to go and cry somewhere. He was incredibly surprise, and possibly even a little perplexed, when he looked up a moment later and found a snarling Spike standing over him with his fists squeezed together. The usual green eyes were now almost a blood red, but Josh figured it was the reflection of the sun through the trees on Spike’s face.
“What’s the matter, little baby? Cat got your tongue? Or, rather, Josh got your tongue?” Josh teased, sticking his tongue out up at Spike, hoping to hear him growl or at least see him stomp his feet and throw a fit. When none of this occurred, and Spike continued to give Josh a rather insidious, hungry look, the stallion frowned a little. “Oh, come on, that was funny! The least you could do is yell at me and tell me to go to hell…or the equivalent of that here in Equestria, since I don’t think you Equestrians use words like that.”
“Must…restrain…self…” Spike uttered, his voice deep and ragged, as though he was trying desperately to not scream or show his true feelings, “Must…not…do…something…that will make Rarity horrified…and Twilight disappointed…”
“Okay, this isn’t really my style, but…dude, you are seriously henpecked!” Rising up to his hooves, Josh casually brushed a few stray leaves off his body before getting into Spike’s snarling face. “Here you are, running errands for that nerdy purple mare and worrying about what that fornicating white unicorn thinks about you. Girls are nice and all, but the moment you let one start to dictate your life and boss you around is the day you lost your masculinity. It’s one reason why I myself have never had a girl.”
At first, Spike wanted to lunge forward and sink his fangs into Josh’s face, ripping him to shreds. But, when he actually tried to make a point, he paused and tilted his head a little. “Huh? Uh…what exactly does ‘fornicating’ mean?”
“You don’t need to know that.”
Scowling, Spike crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes. “Okay, well…look, Twilight doesn’t ‘run my life’ or anything, okay? She’s just…well, she’s a really special pony and I’ve known her since the day I was born. She hatched me from an egg, and she’s cared for me ever since.”
“Ah…so, she’s your surrogate mother? Charming.” Josh rolled his eyes, muttering to himself a little. “A pony hatching a dragon. Only in Equestria!”
“AS FOR RARITY…okay, I really have a deep crush on her…” Spike continued, glaring at Josh for a moment before nervously glancing down at his squirming feet. “When I’m around her, she just makes my heart soar…”
“Cliché romantic insignia brought on by foolish and weak-minded feelings in an otherwise lovesick and sexual heart. Charming.” Josh snickered at his little interruption, failing to notice the way Spike was restraining his fists from reaching up towards his neck. “But, please, do continue. It’s always so much more interesting to hear about such pathetic romantic flatteries in real life rather than the movies, since it’s much easier to laugh at that way.”
“You are a coldhearted creep. You know that, right?”
“Indeed I do.”
“Well, so long as you know.” Shrugging, Spike turned away from Josh and began continuing down the Everfree Forest path, knowing that Josh would follow him. “See, I fell for Rarity when I first laid eyes on her. I’ll admit that I just fell for her looks at first, but the more I got to know her, the deeper my feelings resonated for her.” The little dragon began to sigh, clutching his heart and dreamily glancing up towards the canopy of the dark forest. Behind him, Josh’s silent hacking went ignored. “She’s the most caring, most graceful, most generous pony I could’ve ever met. Her voice is the music to my ears that I could listen to every moment for the rest of my life. The way she gives me hugs makes me just want to melt into the floor. It’s just…everything about her…she’s the pony of my dreams!”
Forcing an exaggerated and unnecessary yawn, Josh casually swiped at Spike’s swishing tail as he drew level with the dazed dragon. “Touching, but you know what smells? The amount of crap you’re spewing from your lips about such ignorant feelings of grandeur involving a stupid horse.”
“SHUT UP!” Spike roared, violently yanking his tail away and taking a vicious swipe at Josh with his claws, missing the stallion’s left cheek by inches. “INSULT ME, BUT YOU DO NOT INSULT RARITY!”
“Are you really this stupid? Fine, let me lay it out for you, since you are too dimwitted to see it yourself.” Taking a sidestep away from the enraged green and purple reptile, Josh stared him right in the eye. “First of all, you fall for a girl purely based on her looks; that is always a red flag. The more beautiful a girl, the more annoying and usually eviler they are. Plus, crap like that only works in the movies, and even then it’s usually full of chaos and unwanted drama.”
“I told you already, that’s NOT why I love her…at least not anymore! At first, yes, I fell for her looks. But now, it’s her personality I love, not just her looks!”
“Which leads me to my next point,” Josh continued, moving a little closer to Spike and further encasing his hard stare on the dragon. “Rarity basically has you doing a lot of chores for her, right? Doesn’t Twilight make you do the same things, only with books and junk instead?”
“Er…well, sure…I do favors for both girls. Come to think of it, I do favors for any pony that needs help.” At this, Spike proudly patted his chest and closed his eyes, basking in the apparent glory he felt at being so helpful. “Heh, I’m really just a nice little dragon. I don’t know what the ponies would do without me always at their side.”
Josh stared at Spike for a long time, shaking his head in disgust. “Spike…do you ever hang out with any guys? Or…anything that isn’t a female pony?”
“Uh…guys?” Spike raised a claw to his chin as he pondered Josh’s question. He racked his mind for any occurrences where he was in the presence of a male for longer than one minute. All he continued to come back to was Twilight and her group of five friends, not to mention Princess Celestia during the past where Twilight lived in Canterlot. “Not that I know of. The only male I really know is Big Macintosh, and I’m not sure if I’ve ever actually spoken directly to him before. Then there were these dragons that I tried to fit in with, but…it didn’t really work out.”
“So every single day of your life, you are constantly in the presence of females and nothing but females. Is that what I’m hearing from you, Spike?”
“Yeah, I suppose so. What’s your point?”
“My point is that…back on my world, if boys heard about your lifestyle, you would either be called gay, a pimp, a player, or sexist.” It wasn’t Josh turn to shift and start trotting ahead, leaving a stunned and utterly mortified Spike in his wake.
“W-w-wait just a darn second! W-w-what’s that supposed to mean?” After regaining his composure, Spike waddled after Josh as fast as he could, reaching out and tugging on Josh’s tail when all he got was snickering in return. “Tell me what’s so bad about spending time with girls so much! I like girls!”
“And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, if you like being treated like a slave and not have the joy of taking part in male stuff.” Flicking his tail away from Spike, the stallion turned his head back around and gave the dragon a genuine smile. “Why don’t you ditch Twilight and her stupid orders and hang out with me for a while?”
Spike’s eyebrow quickly rose in suspicion, the dragon eying Josh closely. “You…want me to hang out with you? The rude stallion who constantly hurts my friends and steals Rarity’s attention from me? The rotten pony that is trying to make me ignore Twilight’s orders despite all she’s done for me? The manipulative guy who was just fighting with me and trying to incite my inner rage?”
“Yep. You really need a break from those girls, Spike. Trust me, it’ll be good for you.”
“And why should I believe you? You’ve caused nothing but trouble since you’ve come here, and every time I hear something about you, it usually involves you hurting a pony!” Spike crossed his arms and tapped his foot impatiently. “Besides, I thought you hated all of us. What happened to that, huh?”
Upon hearing Spike’s constant accusations and suspicions, Josh sighed and sat down on the path. He was struggling to understand himself why he was wanting to hang out with a baby dragon that he personally found idiotic and girlish. Not only that, but he also couldn’t stop thinking how ‘Spike’ was a name for a dog, not a dragon. “Well, the thing about that…Spike…is that you…well…”
“Yeah?” Spike prodded, leaning forward and raising an eyebrow curiously. “C’mon, out with it. Why do you want to hang with me?”
He’s waiting for an answer. We COULD just silence him with a swift punch in the face, or even to the man region. Hey, in fact, why not do that? We haven’t had a chance to deal a good blow to the man zone yet, since there are hardly ANY males on this stupid world! Why not tell him to shut the hell up, buck him right in the crotch, then proudly march on?
“Males don’t do that to other males!” Josh snarled, slapping at his head and scowling. “Even I wouldn’t be okay with that! That’s a cowardly move for females, but NOT for males. We’re better than taking a cheap shot at that area. Real guys duke it out with their fists and their legs and possibly their heads, but not using unfair blows like that!”
Whatever. You are such a baby. What about that one dude you nailed in the crotch back in tenth grade? You remember, right? It was in the locker room after a physical game of floor hockey?
“That was different! He had me cornered and by the throat! My arms weren’t long enough to push him away, so I HAD to use my foot. It just so happened that my foot connected with the area that I wasn’t intending to hit. I honestly was trying to take out his legs and make him fall.”
Do whatever the hell you want. I already succeeded in making you look like a retard anyway, so I guess that’s another bit of karma for you to add to your ever-growing list of unfortunate circumstances.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” But, Josh got his answer when he saw Spike giving him a strange look. Apparently, talking to yourself while in the presence of another, especially involving a male’s crotch, wasn’t all that common in Equestria. “Oh, uh…heh…sorry, Spike, I was just talking to…uh…myself.”
“Yeah…I kinda…figured.” Spike took a large step back, his eyes focused squarely on Josh’s face. “Uh, do you always…talk to yourself…like that? If you like, I can ask Twilight about this and see if it’s a medical condition. She’s pretty good with helping out ponies who…aren’t quite right. See, this one time, she helped Rainbow Dash…”
“Can we please just get back to the matter at hand?”
“Oh, right. So, why do you want to hang out with me?”
Realizing he was right back at square one, Josh moaned and hid his face with both hooves. “Spike, it’s because…well…ugh, I miss hanging out with boys!” Tilting his head and now focusing squarely on the ground, Josh sighed deeply. He didn’t want to meet Spike’s eyes and see a smug expression when he confessed his feelings. “See, back on my home world…males are so much more enjoyable to hang out with. Sure, males and females are supposed to love each other and all that junk, but…when it comes to just spending time together and having a blast, you should do it with your own gender.”
“See, my mom always liked to talk to her girlfriends, go shopping with them, get her hair done with them, and a whole bunch of other stuff that makes me want to puke. For me…hey, the girls loved me. They were always ogling me in school, since I was so totally smart! But, the fact is…they’re boring otherwise. I had this one…friend, I guess…Robert. He and I always played computer games at lunchtime, we always talked about our homework, we talked about our classes…heck, he even drove me to an orchestra recital once since I didn’t own a car! It was…well…even though I know it was fake, since all friends are fake…it was some of the most enjoyable times of my usually-painful days.”
Pulling away one of his hooves from his face, Josh used it to sadly swirl a picture of a circle on the ground in front of him. “I did have a step-brother growing up, but he was thirteen years older than me and usually just abused me. But, he did take me driving with his big truck once in the mountains, and even let me go skiing with him, go trick-or-treating with him, and he even played video games with me! Do you know just how AWFUL it is playing video games with a girl?” Josh shivered at the thought. “I tried playing them with my mom, my step-sister, and even a few other girls. It was…god-awful. I just wanted to die.”
Josh’s eyes shut again after he drew a straight line through his circle, breaking it in two. “But, eventually, my step-brother moved out, I graduated from school, and…I lost touch with everyone. See what I mean? They were all fakes. If they had really cared so much about me, they would’ve called me or looked me up. I tried myself to contact them, but it was a no-go. They never answered. I was left playing video games forever by myself…and never having anyone to play with or talk to…or anything. I like being alone and all, but…but…” Josh’s voice trailed off, the mellow tone now evident in his speech and story.
“But sometimes you just need someone there to let you know you’re alive and that you matter.” Josh gasped, lifting his head and finding Spike standing over him. His arms were still crossed, but his smile was warm and inviting. His eyes didn’t show any malice or anger, and he didn’t look smug or amused in the least. He actually looked sympathetic. “Is that what you were going to say? Or…something along those lines?”
“Shut up! I…I’m not that weak! I…I was going to say…er…well, I was going to say that…while I like being alone and all, I also…um…need someone close by that is of less or equal intelligence to me so that it makes me feel good about myself?” As soon as his usual protest escaped his lips, the stallion widened his eyes and slapped a hoof over his mouth. He can’t believe he just said what he did.
Nice. You just made yourself look like a dumbass and a wimp. Can I please get myself transferred to a body that actually NEEDS a new brain? I hear that Pinkie Pie was looking for one.
Instead of flashing a smug grin and breaking down into a laughing riot, Spike just shook his head and continued to smile warmly. “Okay, look. I can’t say I know what’s going on inside your head…I doubt that anyone does. But, I went through hardships before where I almost lost Twilight over a silly bird, so I don’t want to cast someone aside just because they’re…odd. Whatever the reason…eh, I suppose that ditching Twilight for once and ignoring Rarity just for a little bit won’t be that bad. I’ll hang out with ya, alright?”
How DARE he compare my painful memories to ONE stupid event in his life involving a stupid bird! Can he really say that THAT counts as true hardship? Ha! What a complete and utter…wait, did he just say that he agrees?
“Wait…you will?” Josh had to shake his head and slap himself, inciting a whine out of himself, to make sure he had heard Spike clearly. “You do realize that I still despise all you Equestrians, right? Plus, I thought you were mad about all the apparent pain I’ve caused while I’ve been here.”
“There’ll be plenty of time to kick your butt and teach you some manners later,” Spike grinned, finally producing the smug look that Josh had been expecting a while ago, “Don’t fret about not liking me; I still don’t like you, either. But, I’m not just going to walk away from you when you want to simply hang out.” Spike fidgeted with his claws for a moment, shyly peering down and glancing at the little symbol Josh had made in the dirt. “Um…but, I don’t really…know what to do in the presence of…well, another guy. As you said, I haven’t…well, really been around any.”
Josh felt as though a small flame had been ignited inside his heart. Strange thoughts continued to flash through his mind as he stared at the nervous dragon. It was so odd. Why was he suddenly wanting to hang out with Spike, when he had never shown any interest in the dragon before? Well, besides shaking his hand at the very start of his stay in Equestria. It was confusing, but with each and every pony that Josh was starting to grudgingly get to know, it was like a strenuous task or chore to be around them. Plus, they were just so aggravating, loud, obnoxious, flirty, and downright irritating.
Spike was not only a non-pony, but he was a male. He had shown the least amount of interest in Josh from the very start, too. Was it maybe because of the fact that Spike and Josh didn’t want to hang out with each other that Josh was now wanting to spend time with the little dragon? Josh just couldn’t understand the weird, happy feeling his heart was filling his body with. To know that he had been the one to ask to hang out instead of vice versa with a female pony was so exhilarating to him. He was finally going to get some quality time with another male.
Maybe…maybe this is exactly what I needed all along, Josh thought, moving a little closer to Spike, Perhaps…I just needed someone to talk to…who actually KNOWS me. Well, he’s still an idiot, and he’s still a girly moron from this stupid world of Equestria. Oh, and he also seems to not really know ANYTHING about being a true male, not to mention he’s a dragon and I’m really a human. Don’t all video games usually say that humans and dragons are mortal enemies? Ugh, there are SO many reasons why I shouldn’t be excited for this, but…well, I’m excited anyway.
“Spike…thank you.” Reaching over, Josh found himself extending one of his hooves and pulling Spike into a hug. Hugging a male wasn’t unusual for him; whenever excited, he would usually hug one of his male friends back in school. Naturally, they would always get creeped out, but Josh didn’t care. He always did whatever his brain was telling him to do. “Don’t you worry; you and I are gonna raise a little hell and have a great day just being normal guys and not sissy servants or girly maids!”
Already slightly unnerved from being hugged by possibly the most violent, most antisocial, most unusual person Spike had already met, the dragon pushed past the added insults and confusion over what it meant to ‘raise a little hell’ to focus on one final issue. “What about the antidote, Josh? Don’t you want to be human again? I thought you hated your pony form.”
Oh, right…totally forgot about that. Josh peered behind his back at his saddlebag which contained the small flask with the cure to one of his biggest headaches. He had been wanting to get his handsome human form back for quite some time now. All he had to do was get to a bathtub. Surely it wouldn’t take more than five minutes tops.
“Eh…you know what, Spike? I think I can put that on hiatus for a while.”
Spike’s jaw almost hit the ground upon hearing Josh’s statement. “Wait, excuse me?!?! Are you saying that you’d much rather hang out with me than turn yourself back into a human?”
“Don’t get me wrong; I miss being myself and I’ll have to do it sometime. But…well…” He hesitated, releasing Spike and frowning a little, concentrating on what he could say. He didn’t really want to admit he wanted to hang out with Spike more than changing back into a human as soon as possible. “…you see, the thing is…if I was a human, I would be even BIGGER than you than I am right now! I totally do not want you to feel uncomfortable or anything, so…”
The eye-rolling commenced almost immediately. Spike really should’ve seen that one coming. “Uh-huh, sure, whatever you say. So…do you wanna let me go now so we can…uh…get started, or whatever?”
“Huh?” Josh soon came to realize he was still holding the dragon in a rather tight and close embrace. “Oh, right. Sorry. My hooves must’ve thought you were a kitty cat and just didn’t want to let you go. Cats are my favorite animals, you see.” He let Spike go.
“Right.” Spike’s deadpan sarcasm was enough to challenge Josh’s masterful displays sometimes.
“Don’t you sass me. Now, c’mon, let’s get going! Race you to the forest entrance, Spike-A-Rooney!” Playfully shoving the baby dragon into the brush, Josh hightailed it down the rest of the Everfree path.
“What’d you call me? HEY!” Spike yelped as he was pushed into the nearby shrubs, wincing in pain as his butt landed on a nest of acorns that was oddly sitting in a neat pile on the ground. “Ow! Hey, Josh, get back here! I think there’s an acorn stuck in my rump. You’ll pay for this! HEY!”
As the two boys, one genuinely laughing and having a good time and the other one cursing and holding his rump, raced down the Everfree Forest path, both of them failed to notice the pink pony trot back onto the scene. She was trotting with three hooves, one still held over her mouth, while carrying a pile of acorns on her back. Pinkie was getting hungry waiting for Josh to come and tell her that she could move and talk again, so she had been gathering acorns and placing them in a neat pile inside one of the bushes near the tree she had been sitting beside the entire time. She had been planning to eat them by slipping them up behind the hoof over her mouth without actually pulling said hoof away.
“Mmmph? MMMPH!” Pinkie’s muffled cries of rage and annoyance echoed through the forest when she saw her acorns had been scattered and smashed. The earth pony angrily bounced up and down with three hooves, gritting her teeth and sinking them into the clasped hoof over her lips. Somepony was going to pay for destroying her snack. It was HARD finding acorns in the Everfree Forest.
“Okay, Spike, one of the main things that guys do when they hang out is play video games! Sadly, since the most interesting thing this world has is magic reproduced using sexual innuendos placed on the heads of horses, we’ll have to make do with something else.”
“It’s so hard not understanding what in the world you’re talking about, so I hope you don’t mind if I just take bits and pieces out of what you say and make sense of it in my own way. I do the same with a lot of Twilight’s speeches. All these years of being with her, and I still never really understand her.”
Josh and Spike made their way back into town, the saddlebag containing the antidote still situated upon Josh’s back. Thinking that it would be safe where it was, Josh decided to leave Zecora’s antidote tucked away inside his pony carrying case for the time being. Right now, all he cared about was giving Spike an actual day of fun that didn’t involve girly trips to the spa, rambunctious fits of giggling whenever something cute or adorable came up in a conversation, unwanted social picnics, and disturbing periods of testing out new clothes inside a boutique that looked like something a hip-hop artist would shrink down and wear as a necklace.
Rolling his eyes, Josh softly smacked Spike on the back of his head and continued to trot along. “Well, whatever the case, we still have to find something fun to do that won’t make me want to blow my brains out with a gun. What’s ironic is that I honestly hate guns and would never use one. Do you find it weird that I would use that saying when I hate guns?”
“Uh…”
“Never mind. You’re too stupid to understand.” Halting just before entering Ponyville, Josh gasped and suddenly came up with an idea. “Oh, I know! A bro date, that’s it! I can go on a bro date with this girly little dragon. Damn I’m smart.”
Spike, while still trying to maintain a level of calmness through Josh’s frequent insults of his intelligence, now looked rather pale and unnerved by Josh’s idea. “Er…did you just say…that you wanted to go on a date with me?” He began to back far away from the stallion.
“A bro date, you idiot reptile, not a date date!” Josh frowned over at the dragon. “Believe me, I found it a little awkward as well at first, but it’s just what it’s called. I learned it while watching an episode of my favorite reality show, Survivor. See, there was this pretty boy on there named Brett, and during the final tribal council where the jury had to ask the final three questions, Brett asked one of the finalists what he would do if they were to go on a bro date together. I won’t go into details about how the rest of the finale went, since the wrong winner took the million dollars and I was left to angrily break everything in sight at the injustice, but the point is that a bro date is just when two guys go have fun together, like a night on the town!”
Spike stared at Josh for a very long time, his face blank and rather expressionless. A few times he tilted his head a little to the left or right, as though trying to fully understand what Josh was talking about. Eventually, the dragon sighed and used two of his claws to pinch the area between his eyes together, purely out of irritation.
“I have no idea what you just said, but…well, I already promised I’d have some fun with you. So, lead the way…or whatever. Show me just how much fun it can be to hang out with a creepy guy instead of with one of my wonderful pony girls.”
“Excellent!” Josh gave Spike an evil grin. “First, show me where we can get some spray-paint.”
~~~
Nervously looking around, Spike twiddled his claws together as he watched Josh uncapping the fresh cans of spray-paint. “Are you sure this is legal? Plus, why did I have to buy them while you waited outside and hid behind some garbage cans?”
“First off, stop your whining and complaining or I’m gonna take you to the vet and neuter you and give you something to REALLY complain about!” Josh awkwardly tried holding the first can of spray-paint in his hooves, but was really struggling to hold it with his hooves. “Ugh, DAMMIT! I really wish my stupid magic or whatever was working so I could just levitate this crap instead of handling it with these stupid hooves. Hey, Spike, get over here and help me!”
Stepping up next to the frustrated stallion, Spike picked up one of the five spray-paint cans he had gotten from the local art shop and glanced up at the large slate that was the back of City Hall. “You didn’t answer my first question about this being legal or not. Come to think of it, you didn’t answer either of my questions.”
Expelling an exasperated sigh, Josh bopped Spike on the head with his can of purple spray-paint. “Of course it’s legal! It’s called tagging, or in other words making graffiti. It’s all the rage back on my world! You simply find a big, flat surface, and then you spray-paint whatever comes to your mind! It’s a great bonding experience for males. Never actually saw a female do it before; I don’t think it’s their thing.”
“But…but…this is vandalism! Twilight will kill me if she finds out that I participated in something like this!” Spike was about to throw down his can of spray-paint and run to tattle on Josh, but the stallion quickly grabbed him around the wrist and pulled him closer.
“Quiet, you idiot! Aren’t the unicorns in this world, like, super talented with their baby magic powers? Couldn’t they just erase something drawn on a building without even breaking a sweat? So, what’s the big deal, huh? We’re just having a little fun. It’s not like I told you to help me build a bomb and put it into a toilet and then videotape it so we can put it on some website for laughs and worldwide fame.”
Spike slapped his forehead. “Again, I have no idea what you’re talking about. But, fine! I’ll help you. But, if we get caught, I’m pointing all the blame at you and I’m going to be playing the innocent victim that was kidnapped and forced to do your evil bidding against my will.”
“Fair enough.” Wobbling as he stood on his hind legs, Josh used both hooves to shakily hold his can of spray-paint. One hoof stayed wrapped around the can, while the other hovered over the top of the nozzle. “Now, this is honestly my first time doing this, so bear with me. A stupid show with annoying black characters called The Boondocks or something like that taught me that spray-painting is a form of artwork, and it’s important to express yourself with whatever you write or draw with your paint.”
“On the side of buildings out in public and not on a canvas or a piece of parchment?” Spike asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Yes. This is a much better way to broaden your horizons!”
“What does that even mean?”
“I don’t know, it just sounds cool. Now, shut up and start expressing yourself all over this building!” Ignoring Spike’s confused looks, Josh carefully pressed down on top of the nozzle as purple paint began hissing out and splattering against the side of City Hall.
Twenty minutes later, Josh and Spike were standing back and admiring their handiwork. It was clear that neither boy was meant to create art. Josh had attempted to spray-paint a picture of Twilight Sparkle sitting on top of Equestria wearing a dunce’s cap and speaking a very rude phrase in a speech bubble. Sadly, while Josh usually had great handwriting, his words didn’t come out so clearly, and the drawing looked worse than what a toddler could do. Spike himself had simply tried to paint a picture of Rarity and himself cuddled together, but it looked like nothing more than a blob of purple and green sitting next to a fat white marshmallow.
Slowly, Spike glanced sideways at Josh. “So…are we having fun yet?”
“Shut up.”
~~~
“You owe me twenty-five bits, I hope you know!” Spike continued to nag Josh while both boys headed away from Ponyville and into a rather rocky valley. “Each of those cans of spray-paint cost me a lot of money, and it’s hard enough getting by with the allowance that Twilight gives me!”
“Wow, five bits per can of spray-paint,” Josh snickered, his voice dripping with its usual display of idle sarcasm, “Since I guess ‘bits’ means dollars, that would mean that each can cost you five dollars. Eh, that seems fair, I guess. A bit inflated, but then again, I’m from Earth. Anything from here has GOT to be better than that place. The economy really sucked when I left.”
“You still owe me twenty-five bits, and I’m holding you to it!”
“Yes, father. I’ll pay you your twenty-five bits whenever I magically get ahold of some cheap, girly pony money. But, it’ll be hard for you to spend once I throw you off a cliff and you’ll have to spend it on your hospital bills.” The dark purple stallion cast Spike an evil smirk. “I wonder if your screaming voice is just as high-pitched and girly like the rest of those stupid ponies. As soon as we find my favorite cliff, let’s find out, alright?”
Cracking his knuckles, Spike bared his fangs and glared at Josh. “If you even try to throw me over a cliff, you’ll be sorry! Twilight and Rarity will find out, and boy will they be mad! They’ll hurt you and make you pay for hurting me and…”
“Oh, for God’s sake!” Stomping right into Spike’s face, Josh smacked the dragon right across the face with his hoof. “Enough of your babyish antics! You already kicked my ass before…by pure luck and due to Zecora distracting me…but, the fact is that you did! Stand on your own two legs for once and stop running to your stupid girlfriends every time you need help!”
Yelping as he got slapped, Spike instinctively reached up to rub his cheeks while continuing to glare at the stallion. “T-that does it! I tried being nice to you, but this ‘bro date’ is officially over! The only ‘date’ that you’re about to get is a date with destiny! Destiny being another beat-down, Spike style!”
Leaping backwards, Josh tried to stand on his hind legs and strike a cool pose. “Bring it on, dragon boy! You may have beat me once, but it won’t happen again! I’ll make you wish you had never messed with…me?” When Josh’s left hind leg drifted a little ways behind his back as he tried to pose, it quickly sank straight into the ground as a massive hole was revealed. Josh immediately lost his balance, still not used to standing upright in his pony form, and ended up falling backwards through the hole and vanishing from sight.
Widening his eyes, Spike dropped his own fighting pose and quickly scampered over to the hole. Josh’s screams died down as he vanished into the darkness, with the baby dragon peering down curiously at where the stallion had disappeared. Even though he wanted to yell out an insult on Josh’s own screams and how high-pitched they sound, Spike took the highroad and didn’t bother adding fuel to the fire. Instead, after a quick look around the area, he recognized just where the two of them had ventured.
“Uh-oh. This isn’t good. I probably should’ve realized where we were.” Tapping his chin and thinking long and hard about his current choices at the new predicament, Spike glanced down at the hole that Josh had vanished down. “Well, let’s see. Leaving him down there will probably mean he’ll be forced into slave labor, or lose his temper and get overwhelmed by who’s waiting for him, and the result will be a very hurt stallion. But, I could always run back to Ponyville for help, or just go and help him out myself.” Sitting down on the edge of the hole, Spike smirked a bit. “So, my choices are to rescue Josh, since he’s too inexperienced in his pony form to use his powers to get out himself, or…leave him down there and let him get what he deserves. Such a hard choice.”
~~~
Crashing down hard on top of his right foreleg and screaming out a few choice words of pain, Josh’s new stallion body lay twitching on the floor in his new location. When his eyes eventually fluttered open and blurrily began scouring where he landed, Josh saw that he was inside what seemed to be a maze of underground tunnels. Embedded in the walls were gleaming rubies, sapphires, emeralds, and many other choice gems. Far above his head, merely a tiny circular spec from his current location, was the hidden hole that he had accidentally fallen prey to.
“Dammit! This freaking HURTS!” Making sure to yell as loudly as he could for no reason other than to express his displeasure at falling nearly 100 feet, surviving, and feeling his entire body throb in pain, the angry stallion struggled to get up. “How the hell did I survive such a fall anyway? Oh, right, I’m in a girly pony world. I’ve already thrown several ponies off some cliffs, tied one into a ball, and abused several others in choice ways. Thank God for cartoon logic.”
“Intruder! We have an intruder in our gem mines!” Before Josh could fully comprehend where he was, and further his vocal complaints at how much in pain he was, the stallion soon had unwanted company show up to welcome him. When the woozy stallion looked over at some of the tunnels branching off to form the underground maze, a herd of what looked to be overgrown canines began charging towards him. The moment he saw them, Josh couldn’t help but groan. He was getting tired of these surprises.
Just before reaching Josh, the large group of canines stopped and just stared at the newcomer. Josh stared right back, mostly with utter disgust and annoyance. The three leaders, or at least the two canines that were in front of the pack, were all taller than Spike and any other pony that Josh had seen, save for Celestia. They wore black collars with diamonds encrusted into them and shreds of outfits that Josh figured were some kind of jackets. All the canines behind the three leaders wore cheap armor while carrying small, but sharp spears.
Raising an eyebrow, Josh snorted. “Who…or rather what the hell are you freaks? If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re some kinda stupid underground mutts. Goody, it seems that I’ve attracted yet another unwanted and very pathetic-looking group of moronic creatures. I feel so lucky; I’m just oozing with joy and excitement, let me tell you.”
The three lead canines all looked at one another with bemused expressions, before turning back around and snarling at Josh. The smallest one, who was light brown with large yellow eyes, stepped forward to address Josh’s rudeness. “We are the Diamond Dogs, and you are trespassing in our home! This is where we live, with all our pretty gems rich for mining! I am Spot, and this is Fido and Rover.” He motioned toward his two fellow Diamond Dogs standing behind his back.
Josh looked at Spot for a very long time, before falling down and starting to laugh his head off. “HA! Oh dear God, this is just hilarious! Not only do these weirdoes have the same name as a stupid David Bowie album, but they have the simplest and lamest of dog names! Ooh, and they kinda sound like that retard from that series involving the cursed ring, or whatever it was. This is priceless! Can this world get any lamer and pathetic?”
Hearing a few unfamiliar insults, combined with Josh’s natural rudeness, the Diamond Dogs all started to growl in unison. All the armor-clad Diamond Dogs began moving towards Josh with their spears pointed at his face, while the three leaders clenched their fists and joined in with the advancing. After laughing so hard that he started to choke, Josh finally peeked back up at the dogs and saw that they were starting to close in around him. Since they weren’t ponies with ridiculous powers, Josh wasn’t overly afraid. But, seeing that they were holding weapons and had arguably bigger muscles than any pony, it started to make him reconsider his verbal abuse.
“What should we do with him?” Rover asked, soon standing right over the stallion and glaring down at his face. “Maybe we should show him just what it means to be a strong Diamond Dog?”
“I say we force him to become our new mule!” Fido suggested, cracking his knuckles as he towered over Josh. “We could always use a new pony to haul gems for us. The last one we tried to get was so whiny!”
“Or, another suggestion, you all bow down and worship me as the mangy mutts you are?” Josh offered, sitting up and crossing his hooves over his chest in smug confidence. “See, I’m really a human being, and back on my world, you stupid dogs are nothing but flea-bitten pets that we make roll over for us and fetch our slippers. So, before I have to kick your sorry butts and make you wish you had never met me, I suggest you start making it clear just who your master is.”
Rover, Fido and Spot all considered Josh’s idea for a few minutes, before blinking in realization and finally figuring out that it was another insult. While they didn’t really understand what Josh meant about him being a human being and from another world, it was enough to make the Diamond Dogs very angry. Fido quickly reached down and grasped Josh using only one paw, easily yanking the stallion up into the air and glaring right into his face. With Rover and Spot motioning for all the other random Diamond Dogs to hurry over with their spears, Josh refused to back down.
“Oh, what, did I hurt your feelings?” he sneered, squirming in Fido’s grasp, but finding it shockingly strong and not able to get any room at all. “Poor little puppies. It’s too bad I didn’t bring any leashes, or else I’d take you all on a nice walk to make you happy again. But, I’ll tell you what I’m willing to do. You give me a bag of gems so that I can have a little spending money on this stupid world, then you help me back up to the surface, and in return I’ll let you freakish mutants live without me having to spay and neuter all of you. How does that sound?”
Fido pushed his face right into Josh’s and grinned evilly at him. “I don’t know, but I know a sound that we all DO want to hear. And that’s the sound of your bones going crunch-crunch once we get through with you!” To emphasize his point, he squeezed Josh a bit harder, making the stallion accidentally squeak in pain as his back cricked a little.
“And then the sounds of you limping along and pulling our cart while you gather gems for us for the rest of eternity!” Rover added.
“Let’s show this pony what happens when you invade our home!” Spot cheered, pointing up at Josh as all present Diamond Dogs with spears pointed them right against Josh’s body. The stallion could soon feel the sharp points digging into his coat, and combined with the painful hold he was in from Fido, Josh’s eyes started to dart around for a way out.
Suddenly, from right atop Josh’s head, a familiar voice yelled out. “I’m coming for you, you jerk! I missed out on my chance to be a hero the first time, so I’m not going to miss my second chance!”
“Huh?” His eyes darting upwards, Josh saw something familiar streaking straight down towards his face. “What the hell?!?! Hey, wait a minute, you’re going to…!”
A loud smack later, followed by a hard thud against the ground, and Spike made his flashy entrance. “Ha! Remember me, you dirty dogs?” The baby dragon grinned as he stared up at the three shocked leaders of the Diamond Dogs, crossing his arms while bravely sitting in front of the army of underground dogs.
“Oh-no, it’s that little gem helper!” Spot gasped, pointing an incriminating finger at Spike. “The one who was with that…that…horribly whiny pony who tortured us so badly last time!”
“If he’s here, then that must mean that she’s here!” Rover reasoned, glaring down at Spike. “So, you have come back to make us go crazy again? Well, not this time! This time, we will show you the true fury of the Diamond Dogs!”
“Uh-oh…you were supposed to be scared and run away in fright at the sight of me…” Spike nervously watched the herd of dogs start to close in yet again after having backed away from his appearance. “I didn’t exactly…plan this far ahead. Oh man…what do I do now? T-Twilight? R-Rarity? Help!”
Slowly, Josh’s hoof jabbed Spike right on the thigh. “What do you do now? First, you remove your scaly butt from my face. After that, we kick their asses! That’s a job that no guy ever needs to call on a female to help him with! Funny how we landed in this situation…”
Blinking a few times, completely confused, Spike glanced behind his back and saw just what his comfy seat really was. “Whoa! When did you get under there?!?!”
“YOU LANDED ON ME, YOU IDIOT!” Josh snarled, “NOW MOVE YOUR ASS ALREADY!” He grumbled a little bit and shivered. “And I thought letting my cat sleep on my face was bad enough.”
Snickering a little bit, Spike wiggled his tush and casually rose off the annoyed stallion’s face. “Guess this makes you the butt of my joke right now, eh?” The dragon giggled subsequently got thoroughly pushed off by Josh, the stallion wincing as he got up and rubbed his face with his hooves.
“Gross. I had a male baby dragon sit on my face. And, since all creatures here talk like humans, but none of them wear clothes, that technically means he was naked. I’m sure glad no one saw this.” Even as he felt his cheeks heating up for some reason, Josh realized that the army of Diamond Dogs were still surrounding him. Only, they had momentarily paused in their pursuit for revenge to watch the absurdity unfold before them. “…allow me to rephrase that. I’m sure glad no one important saw this.”
“Enough of this! My fellow Diamond Dogs, GET THEM!” Rover pointed at Josh and Spike, and for possibly the third time all the underground canines began to close in.
“Now, as I was saying, it’s time to put the girly crap aside and show what it means to be a male!” Leaping up on his hind legs, Josh took a mighty kick at the nearest Diamond Dog. The dog’s spear got knocked out of his paws as he went crashing into the wall, taking out three more dogs and making a few sharp lance-like stalactites break off from the ceiling and crash dangerously close to Josh and Spike. “Oh yeah, now this is what I’m talking about! Spike, grab one of those spears, and stand by me!”
“W-w-what?!?!” Spike watched in confusion as Josh wobbled on his hind legs while picking up one of the stalactites and held it as though he were holding a sword. “W-w-wait, we’re going to fight them?!?! B-b-but, I’m a lover, not a fighter!”
“Oh, cut the crap, you stooge! Either we kick their butts and live to see another day, or…we live to see another day, since I doubt that anything in this world actually has the balls to kill anything else, but we do it very painfully for a few weeks while we recover from some serious injuries. Dogs can bite, you know! Plus, these dogs have big muscles and spears pointed at us!” Josh glared over at Spike. “Spike, come on! I can’t fight these bastards on my own!”
“Er…you can’t fight these what on your own?”
“Bastards. It’s a bad word that you shouldn’t say; it basically means a male without a father. I think. Or, something along those lines. But…look, I don’t want Twilight yelling at me, so just don’t say it. Alright?”
Sighing, Spike reached down and picked up one of the spears dropped by the knocked-out Diamond Dogs and also struck a cool fighting pose next to Josh. “Fine, whatever. I’m not going to let you fight these guys alone. And…now that I think of it…” An excited grin broke out over the dragon’s face. “I really did have fun during the fight with those changelings in Canterlot, but no one fought by my side. Finally, it’s time to show off my awesome skills!”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, but FINALLY!” Pointing his stalactite sword into the faces of the three leaders, Josh narrowed his eyes. “It’s time to kick ass and chew bubblegum. And I’m all outta gum.”
“Wow…that’s a cool quote! Did you come up with that all by yourself?”
“Nah, I ripped it off from a video game I like.”
“Oh. Well, there’s minus three cool points for you.”
“Just shut up and start fighting, Spike.”
While wishing for battle music to start playing, Josh charged straight at the Diamond Dogs. And promptly fell flat on his face. Spike rushed forward instead, taking swipes with his spear at the dogs and trying to knock them out instead of actually hurting them. All the Diamond Dogs began attacking at once, leading to massive confusion, and making gems and stalactite pieces start flying in all directions. Using his tiny body, Spike was able to dexterously leap from the head of each Diamond Dog, while smacking them in the face or right on top of the melon with his spear. He also expertly timed each of his jumps so when an oncoming Diamond Dog tried to attack the dragon, the dog would attack one of his fellow fighters instead.
“DAMMIT, NO FAIR! I WANNA FIGHT!” Josh struggled to get back up, but was quickly slammed back down by a hurtling Diamond Dog that had been sent for a loop by an accidental charge from one of his fellow dogs. “GAH! COME ON!” But, each time Josh attempted to get back up, he would immediately be knocked back down, either from an oncoming Diamond Dog, a flying gem, or a falling stalactite.
“THIS…IS…SO…MUCH…FUN!” Spike was having the time of his life battling the clumsy Diamond Dogs, being able to race under their legs, climb up their backs, leap from head to head, and basically make them fight each other when he didn’t have to use his stolen spear on them. “OH, IF YOU COULD SEE ME NOW, TWILIGHT AND RARITY!”
Just look at that stupid dragon. Stealing all your glory! This was your first chance to actually battle something with a makeshift weapon, one of your biggest dreams, and he’s ruining it! Quick, let’s turn on him and knock HIM out while we still have a chance!
“…no.”
WHAT?!?! You idiot! What’s wrong with you? You are nothing more than a clumsy oaf who has done nothing at all! You fell into this underground gem maze, got a bunch of dogs to hate you, had a dragon butt fall on your face, and spoke a lot of fancy and partially-stolen lines before getting ready to battle. But, you’re NOT EVEN BATTLING! You are letting a stupid baby dragon rescue you all by yourself! Where is your pride, you dingbat?
“I…I don’t know…but, watching Spike fight like that…it makes me…proud, in a way.” Josh sighed, the hint of a smile playing at his face as he watched Spike continue to humiliate and somehow dominate all the Diamond Dogs. “I wonder…is this how a father feels when he sees his son finally accomplish something? Or…when you see someone you care about…finally realize their true potential and stop being such a slave to a pathetic life?”
You are pathetic, and you make me want to barf. Fine, keep ogling the dragon instead of bothering to make yourself useful at all. You make me sick. It’s no wonder you were sent to a warped and insane world. It’s because you YOURSELF are insane and warped in the mind.
“Shut up. I still hate every living thing, both here and back on my own world. Now, stop talking to me and just get back in my mind!” Josh smacked his head a few times, and when the voices went away, he sighed and once again tried to get up. This time, he found that he wasn’t getting dog-piled or smacked by anything randomly. “Huh?”
Gazing around the chamber, Josh saw every metal-clad Diamond Dog laying knocked out around him. Standing on top of a pile only a few feet away was none other than Spike, striking a cool pose of him placing his right hand on his hip and holding his spear over his left shoulder while giving Josh a smug look of satisfaction. It was at that moment that Josh felt like he was only three inches tall and he just wanted to crawl under a rock, and then proceed to throw said rock over a cliff and let it hit someone on the head in the valley far below.
“What’s wrong, Josh? Dog got your tongue?” Spike grinned, noticing that Josh was too humiliated and angry to say anything. “I must admit, that was really fun! Without Twilight and the others saying to just be nice and talk things out and junk, I actually fought these Diamond Dogs. With a weapon! It…it was…it was so awesome!”
Kill him. Kill him now. He’s asking for it.
“No…I can’t. Too risky. I’m not sure what the consequences for homicide are on this world.” Josh spoke in barely a whisper while Spike kept excitedly bragging about his accomplishment. The stallion still clutched his unused stalactite sword in his hoof, never having used it on any Diamond Dog.
Suddenly, as Spike kept bouncing up and down on top of his pile of dogs, a stalactite as sharp as a dagger started to tremble right over the top of the dragon’s head. The dragon’s excited yelling, combined with him bouncing around and making tiny tremors, was going to unleash the deadly stalactite straight down upon him in a matter of seconds. When Josh looked back around, his eyes traveled upward and immediately widened in surprise. He saw the stalactite ready to fall, and found himself quickly rising up to his hooves.
SPIKE’S IN TROUBLE! he thought, And, the weird part is that I actually care! Why?!?! I should WANT him to get…er, sliced in half from the head down? Well…maybe that’s a bit…UGH! Why do I care? I HATE this world…and Spike! Even if he is such a…cute, adorable, sarcastic dragon…UGH, DAMMIT!
“…so, Josh, you know what? Overall, hanging out with you was a bit more trouble than it was worth, but I can honestly say that…”
“SPIKE, YOU IDIOT, LOOK OUT!” Just as the stalactite burst apart from its prison and sliced through the air, its deadly point rushing straight down towards Spike’s head, Josh found himself leaping towards the dragon with all his might.
He had never actually experienced such a situation before. Josh literally found himself nearly frozen and slowed while lunging through the air, his hooves outstretched at Spike. His heartbeat accelerated a hundred times its normal rate as his emerald eyes watched Spike about to get killed. The thought of witnessing death right in front of him, especially to someone who, for some reason, he didn’t want to see hurt, made Josh scared. It made him scared to death. It was almost like time itself was against him, as the stalactite of death zoomed right towards Spike’s head.
God…please…don’t do this…I hate them all…I hate them all so much…but, please, don’t do this! I know this is not the United States anymore, but…I am still a human being trapped in a pony’s body…so, I know you can hear me! Please…don’t let this happen…don’t make it so…
His green pupils locked onto Spike’s for a mere microsecond, as Josh’s hooves found themselves tightly wrapped around the dragon’s waist another microsecond later. Josh was flying off the pile of dogs with Spike tightly clutched against his heart, hooves squeezed around him in a fierce embrace, as the deadly stalactite missed its would-be target. And instead, it took a different target. Josh’s right hind leg.
Time sped up again, and every single emotion began flowing into Josh. Joy, relief, confusion, and intense pain. Laying on top of the stunned dragon, Josh only had a moment to react before he reared his head back and shrieked bloody murder. The stalactite had sliced clean through almost his entire leg, the insidious tip of the blade barely jutting out the opposite side. A fast-moving river of blood began trickling out of Josh’s severe wound, the stalactite remaining wedged deep into his leg as he writhed in agony atop Spike.
No words could be spoken. Spike had witnessed the stalactite fall, and didn’t need to see where it had landed to know what happened. Josh’s miserable and emotional screams of intense pain and the river of red liquid seeping towards the spear clutched in his clawed hand was more than enough. Slowly, tears began to shimmer in Spike’s eyes, the dragon laying limp beneath the stallion struggling to hold in his own tears above him. Both boys laid there for what seemed like eternity, neither one knowing what to say, despite one bleeding to death and viciously trying to not cry.
