Chapter 12: Josh Vs. Twilight, Round 1
“So, let me get this straight…” Twilight said slowly, trying to make sense of what Josh just told her, “You told Rainbow Dash and Applejack just how sorry you were and you also told them a personal story about your childhood, and both girls got so emotional that they had to hurry home?”
“Yep, pretty much,” Josh nodded, “Shame, really; we were getting along SO well, too. But, since it seems I’m gonna be staying here a while, I’m sure I’ll see them again very soon.”
“That…doesn’t really sound like them,” Rarity frowned, “If I know them, and I believe that I do, Rainbow Dash would never get emotional like that…and Applejack? Oh, please; that mare is a lot stronger mentally than most ponies realize.”
“Whatever…the point is, they’re gone now, so can we please just get going?” Josh grumbled, “I’m really hungry here. I really could go for a hamburger, one with ketchup only, if you please.”
“Uh…what’s a hamburger?” Twilight asked, “That…doesn’t sound like something we have here.”
“Oh, you’ve gotta be KIDDING me!” Josh growled, “And I thought this stupid world couldn’t get any worse! You know, a HAMBURGER! Two buns slapped together with a piece of meat in the middle, usually with mustard, ketchup, onions, pickles, and much more on it? I personally just like ketchup, but a lot of people like the rest of that junk and…what’s with those looks?” He just noticed that the four ponies still with him were giving him scared looks.
“Y-y-you…eat…m-m-meat?” Fluttershy gulped, widening her eyes in a terrified way. She had turned pale and looked ready to faint again.
“Uh…well, yes, I do,” Josh admitted, “I’m not a vegetarian. I tried to be, but it just didn’t work; I HATE veggies. I hate fruits for that matter, too. They’re so disgusting and tasteless; it’s like eating grass or books or other tasteless items.”
“B-b-but…meat is made from…from…” Rarity whimpered, taking a step back. It was at that moment that Josh realized just why the four ponies were freaking out. On this world, it was populated by mostly ponies, and ponies were herbivores. On his world, it was populated by humans, most of which were omnivores. Since he was the only human on this world, Josh was dismayed when he came to the realization that he probably wasn’t gonna be getting any meat anytime soon.
“Okay, just forget it,” Josh sighed, not really wanting to freak out the ponies and make them think he was gonna eat them, “I could go without a burger. Um…do you at LEAST have some pizza around here? Or perhaps some spaghetti? Or maybe even macaroni and cheese?” The stallion could feel his anger starting to rise when the four ponies continued to either give him scared or confused looks. It seemed like he wasn’t gonna get to eat what he wanted.
“Hehe…um…say, how about a party, Joshy?” Pinkie said, nervously breaking the tension and going right back into her usual ditzy disposition, “That would be really cool, right? Since you apologized to AJ and Dashie, that means the rest of the town can see what a great pony you are, too! Although, what was funny is that my Pinkie Sense told me that two ponies were turned into pancakes only a few minutes before you came back, which is very odd. Did you see two flat ponies on your way back here?”
“No, I didn’t, and if I did, I think I would know,” Josh chuckled, an evil glint in his eyes as he envisioned the flattened Applejack and Rainbow Dash, “But, no, I don’t do parties, Pinkie. Back on my world, I was the nerd and not the party dude. I prefer studying over partying.”
“You really should get along great with Twilight then,” Rarity giggled, “She’s a regular scholar herself, although Dash tends to call her an egghead.”
“Goody for me,” Josh mocked, “Hey, Twilight, I have an idea. Let’s go back to your library that’s apparently a home and study all your books until you find a way to turn me back into a human. I still plan on suing Zecora, since I don’t trust that zebra, but in the meantime I’m sure that your minimal intelligence and my MASSIVE intelligence will find a way to turn me back to normal.”
“Oh? You’re that smart, are you?” Twilight smirked, raising an eyebrow as she observed the cocky stallion, “You think you’re smarter than me?”
“No, I KNOW I’m smarter than you,” Josh sneered, “Humans are always better than animals at everything! It’s why we’re the dominant species back on my world. Anything you can do, I can do better.”
“Ooh, ooh, let’s have a competition then!” Pinkie cheered.
“Good idea, Pinkie,” Twilight agreed, her smirk never leaving her face as she faced down Josh, “I think a battle of wits will solve this issue and prove just who…”
“Let’s have a sing-off!” Pinkie interrupted, pulling out two microphones and tossing one to Twilight and one to Josh, “We’ll see who can sing the best!”
“WHAT?!?!” Josh and Twilight both yelled at the same time, looking at the microphone that they were now both holding in their right hooves.
“Yeppers! The best way to spread friendship and cheer is singing loud for all to hear!” Pinkie smiled, “You and Twilight sing together! It’ll be SOOOOO cute! Plus, we’ve never actually heard anypony sing who’s a male…”
“Poor Spike…” Fluttershy sighed.
“Indeed, the little darling really should get a chance to sing sometime,” Rarity agreed.
“Uh, no, I’m not singing,” Josh frowned, throwing the microphone down and turning away, “Even though males are better singers than females, I am not humiliating myself in front of four female ponies by singing a dorky song about friendship, hugs, giggles and love. I’d probably puke my guts out before we even got 10 seconds in.” Seeing her chance for an opening, Twilight decided to bait Josh into singing with her. After all, Pinkie had a point; getting Josh to do something with her might open up his heart a bit. That or just piss him off more.
“I can understand if you’re scared, Josh,” Twilight smiled, “I mean, I’m only Princess Celestia’s star pupil and a unicorn with some of the strongest magic around. It’s obvious that you can’t sing better than me, but I respect that you…”
“OH, IT IS ON!” Josh snarled, picking his microphone back up and giving a flick of his mane, “No one calls me a coward and gets away with it, Sparkle! You wanna sing? We’ll sing! I’m gonna rub your nose in it once I squash you like a bug!”
“How are you gonna rub her nose in it?” Pinkie questioned, “If you squash her like a bug, you can’t really rub her nose in anything, because it’ll be flat and therefore wouldn’t really work for rubbing. Also, what exactly would you rub her nose in?”
“…just shut up before I decide to invent a pony-burger,” Josh growled, “Now…let me guess, since this is such a pathetic cartoon world, music will start to play without any logical…” Before he could finish his sentence, background music did indeed start to play out of nowhere. Then, Twilight made the first move while Rarity, Fluttershy and Pinkie all watched.
Twilight: Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you.
Josh: No, you can't.
Twilight: Yes, I can.
Josh: No, you can't.
Twilight: Yes, I can.
Josh: No, you can't.
Twilight: Yes, I can, yes, I can!
Josh: Anything you can be, I can be greater. Sooner or later I'm greater than you.
Twilight: No, you're not.
Josh: Yes, I am.
Twilight: No, you're not.
Josh: Yes, I am.
Twilight: No, you're not.
Josh: Yes, I am, yes, I am!
Josh: I could outlast AJ; I could work the whole day.
Twilight: I could fly like Rainbow, faster than an arrow.
Josh: I could deal with Pinkie Pie.
Twilight: For how many days?
Josh: One.
Twilight: So could a rat.
Josh: Anything you can say, I can say meaner.
Twilight: I can say anything meaner than you.
Josh: You’re a dork.
Twilight: You’re a foal.
Josh: You’re a pest.
Twilight: You’re a jerk.
Josh: You’re a dweeb.
Twilight: You’re a clown.
Josh: You’re a gnat.
Twilight: YOU’RE A JOKE!
Twilight: Anywhere you can run, I can run farther. I can run anywhere farther than you.
Josh: Fifty miles?
Twilight: Sixty miles!
Josh: Eighty miles?
Twilight: Ninety miles!
Josh: The hell you can.
Twilight: Yes, I can, yes, I can!
Josh: Anything you can read, I can read better.
Twilight: I can read anything better than you.
Josh: War & Peace.
Twilight: Moby Mare.
Josh: The Fountainhead.
Twilight: Friendship For Fillies.
Josh: Finnegan's Wake.
Twilight: THE WAR OF THE PONIES!
Josh: I can name butterflies faster than Fluttershy.
Twilight: I can be real pretty just like Rarity.
Josh: I can open any safe.
Twilight: Without being caught?
Josh: Duh!
Twilight: That's what I figured, you crook.
Josh: Any height you can jump, I can jump higher.
Twilight: I can jump any height higher than you.
Josh: No, you can't. *he leaps a foot into the air*
Twilight: Yes, I can. *she leaps two feet into the air*
Josh: No, you can't. *he leaps three feet into the air*
Twilight: Yes, I can. *she leaps four feet into the air*
Josh: No, you can't. *he leaps five feet into the air*
Twilight: Yes, I can. *she leaps six feet into the air*
Josh: *he tries to leap seven feet, but can’t* Damn, you can!
Twilight: Anything you can wear, I can wear better. In what you wear I'd look better than you.
Josh: In a coat?
Twilight: In a vest!
Josh: In some shoes?
Twilight: In a hat!
Josh: No, you can't!
Twilight: Yes, I can, yes, I can!
Josh: Any joke you can make, I can make better.
Twilight: I can make any joke better than you.
Josh: Knock knock.
Twilight: Who’s there?
Josh: Boo.
Twilight: Boo who?
Josh: Don’t cry, Twilight.
Twilight: That was lame.
Josh: I can jump a hurdle.
Twilight: I can wear a girdle.
Josh: I can knit a sweater.
Twilight: I could make it better.
Josh: I can do most anything.
Twilight: Can you figure out Pinkie Pie?
Josh: No.
Twilight: Yeah, I know, neither can I.
Josh: Anything you can say, I can say sweeter.
Twilight: I can say anything sweeter than you.
Josh: *very softly and sweetly* You’re so cute.
Twilight: *also very softly and sweetly* You’re so kind.
Josh: *a bit sarcastically* You’re so hot.
Twilight: *equally sarcastically* You’re so cool.
Josh: *slightly more aggravated* You’re a dear.
Twilight: *slightly more annoyed* You’re handsome.
Josh: *over-the-top sarcastic* I love you.
Twilight: *just as over-the-top sarcastic* I love you, too.
Josh: *finally having had enough* Oh, you lie, lie, lie!
Twilight: *not backing down* Say goodbye, bye, bye!
Josh & Twilight: *loudly, at the same time* SAY…GOOD…BYE!
“Sorry, Josh, but say goodbye to your win,” Twilight giggled, playfully winking at Josh as the song ended, “I think I very clearly beat you.”
“In your dreams, you insufferable quadruped!” Josh snapped, “You were clearly so off-key and out of tune that it was painful to my ears!”
“Well, let’s let the girls decide, shall we?” Twilight suggested, turning to their three judges, “Rarity, Pinkie, Fluttershy? Which one of us do you think won that?”
“Clearly you, darling,” Rarity said, “If it wasn’t for you, I feared that song would’ve been a complete disaster. I believe you saved that song.”
“Um…well, what matters is that Josh tried his best…but, yes, Twilight won,” Fluttershy agreed.
“It was such a super-duper-awesome show!” Pinkie gushed, “We finally got to hear Joshy sing, and with Twilight no less! Sure, he needs a lot of work to get as good as old Pinkie Pie, but we all have to start somewhere. Twilight, you easily win! Woo-hoo!”
“Oh, screw all of you!” Josh snarled, throwing down his microphone and angrily shaking his hoofed fist at the grinning Twilight, “This is bull! You’re all just sticking up for your friend! I don’t have to stick around for this. You can all kiss my rump, you stupid ponies! See if I ever sing with you again!” With his face slightly red with either anger or embarrassment, he pushed past Twilight and began stomping back to Ponyville on his own.
“Perfect…that worked according to plan,” Twilight smiled, trotting over to her three friends and winking at them, “Even if it wasn’t completely fair, Josh lost to me. So, he had to eat a bit of humble pie, which will hopefully…”
“Ooh, humble pie? Can I have some? Pretty please with sugar lumps on top?” Pinkie cried, putting her front hooves together and batting her eyelashes up at Twilight, “I’ve never had humble pie before, and it sounds very tasty! Is it made from honey? It kinda sounds like something made from a hive. Why did Joshy only get some? Pinkie wants some, too!”
“…which will hopefully finally bring Josh back down to land,” Twilight continued, ignoring Pinkie, “You see, my thought is that he’s so high on himself because he hasn’t really been put in his place yet. Sure, AJ gave him a good shot to the face, Dash teased him a lot, and he’s been turned into a pony…but he’s always found a way to get revenge. Now, since I beat him, I’m hoping this will make him a lot calmer and easier to deal with.”
“I can see your point, darling,” Rarity agreed, “He seems to be the type that’s very proud of himself and highly arrogant. Losing a singing battle with you is perfect for deflating that giant head of his.”
“Um…I’m sorry, but…what if this only makes him madder and he goes on a horrible rampage and hurts a bunch of ponies and then takes over Equestria and makes us all his slaves?” Fluttershy whimpered.
Twilight, Rarity and Pinkie all slowly looked at Fluttershy as those she had completely lost her mind. The yellow Pegasus whimpered a bit and cowered at the looks she was receiving, and didn’t say another word on the matter. However, when Twilight and Rarity shared a glance with each other, they quickly took off after Josh without a moment’s hesitation, leaving Pinkie to end to Fluttershy.
“Don’t you worry, Fluttershy,” Pinkie smiled, patting the Pegasus on the head, “Your Aunt Pinkie will take care of you and help you put those fantasy stories onto paper; you seem to have a very vivid imagination. Ah, you’re growing up SO fast.”
“Pinkie…for the last time…I’m a year older than you,” Fluttershy whispered, but apparently Pinkie didn’t hear her as she began to be carried away by the giggling pink earth pony.
Meanwhile, in Ponyville, Josh the stallion was still seeing red at having apparently lost to Twilight. Sure, he wasn’t exactly a great singer, but he still felt he had a great voice and that he had sung just as well if not better than Twilight. He was in such a bad mood that he failed to watch where he was going and he ended up stumbling over a small scooter after he turned the corner of Rarity’s Carousel Boutique.
“Hey! Watch where you’re going!” a snarky voice rang out, “That scooter is very precious to me!” Almost at once upon hearing the voice, Josh groaned from where he was on the ground. The voice reminded him instantly of Rainbow Dash.
“Hey, mister, are you alright?” a second voice called, and Josh could hear soft trotting in his direction.
“Huh…ah ain’t never seen that stallion before in town…ya’ll think he’s new?” a third and familiar voice said. Blinking in confusion and curious as to the interesting voices that he was hearing, Josh finally lifted his head to see just who had surrounded him. He was met with three little fillies, one of which he already knew. They were staring at him curiously, like a cat would look at a bird from the opposite side of a shut window. It seemed that Josh’s meal would have to wait a little longer.
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CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS DE-GRUMPIFIER
nice chapter i love it
Hee! Loved the musical interlude there. X3
Oh, here comes the chaos!
And first!
this may sound off-topic, but I really wanna see Josh's reaction when Pinkie Pie uses her powers to make Applejack and Rainbow Dash appear out of the blue cause she always makes stuff appear out of nowhere.
Peanus.
...and suddenly the violent pony snaps from the pressure of being in a world you hate whilst it's attempting to accept you... Or at least I would, I'd probably attempt to throw myself off of the nearest vacated cliff. xD
Still a tad pussy whipped but at least you're not god modding.
Epicly done singing scene, Twilight still remains as OP as ever.
Who said his meal has to wait omnivore 3 ponies a nearby bakers? destiny
BUENO.
Yay. I still hate im.
this is how i see it
1) the mane 6 will use the filly's against josh.
2) josh will either breakdown from lack of will to hurt the children or finally lose it, gurt the fillies and be run out of town
Well, at least Josh is good with kids.
Okay...this is the chance to make Josh stop being such a jackass...DON'T WASTE IT!
I hope Josh continues to be a jerk. It makes the story unique and interesting. As always I look forward to more
CMC ARCHERS *twang* woshhhh. Josh " a f*** my knees why why whyyyy"
And, as always in these types of stories, the CMC fix everything. (Monster, among MANY others)
"I don’t who or what you are..." is missing a word.
“Indeed, the little darling really should get a chance to sing sometime,” Rarity agreed. (And then Spike had a song in season 3.)
I'm a vegan and don't give a rats ass!