Crazy tale of Mr. Torgue's time in epicland. (formerly known as Equestria)
Mister Torgue High-Five Flexington gets pranked by Tiny Tina and the resulting explosion sends his ship to an uncharted planet in an uncharted galaxy. What does Mister Torgue think of this? He thinks it's '*BLEEP*ING AWESOME!' All characters belong to their respective owners. I'm just one of those weird people on the internet that makes stories about them. Rated teen for intense language, awesome explosions and air guitar solos.
"TINA! Thank you for letting me be in your game earlier! It was AWESOME! Now, I'm just kinda wondering... Why are you on my space truck?!"
"Don' chu worry bout it mayne. I'm just, uh, seein' how yous doin' is all. What it is, Torgue man?"
"Not much Tina! And... IS IT JUST ME, OR DOES IT FEEL LIKE YOU'RE LYING?!"
"Torgue, babe, I wouldn't lie to ya. Just, uh, don't check out your back thrustahs. Ain't nothin' wrong with 'em. Anyway, Lilith is makin' cookies, so I'ma go noms. Bai!"
Instead of waiting for Mister Torgue to go down to Pandora and land for her to depart, she skipped over to the escape pod and hopped inside. The pod detached from Mister Torgue's space truck and propelled itself towards Pandora. A moment or two later, Tina contacted Mister Torgue's Echo device.
"Oh, by the way, GET PRANKED SUCKAH!"
Suddenly something on the back thrusters of the space truck, which supposedly had nothing wrong with them, exploded and propelled the space truck at near warp speeds. Mister Torgue was thrown to the back of the space truck and stuck against the wall for when a space vehicle is going near warp speeds without engaging the warp drive, the artificial gravity isn't engaged and inertia becomes a bitch.
"Damn it Tina, if this wasn't more fun than the amusement park my grandmother took me to when I was little, I WOULD BE QUITE PISSED!"
Mister Torgue's space truck hurtled through the galaxy somehow not really hitting anything, which Mister Torgue found to be very convenient since high speed collisions were not very comfortable. They usually led to explosions, which while awesome, they usually hurt to be inside. Mister Torgue flew through most of the explored galaxies (he even passed his grandmother's planet) until he reached uncharted sectors. This worried the muscly badass as this meant he was very far from Pandora with probably destroyed thrusters, which in turn meant he wouldn't get any of Lilith's cookies! Unfortunately, the fact would soon prove to be the least of Mister Torgue's worries as his ship's luck finally ran out and rammed into something really hard. A planet. Luckily for Mister Torgue, Momma didn't raise no sissy, so the resulting tiny explosion didn't really do much to his muscly, manly exterior. It did ,however, hurt his muscly, manly feelings a little that Tina had inadvertently destroyed his space truck. The hurt feelings were quickly replaced with pride when he realized how awesome the explosion propelling his space truck at warp speeds must have looked.
"Despite the near death experience and my now destroyed ship, THAT WAS TOTALLY RADICAL! SQUIBBLYBAMBLYMEEDLYMEEEEEEEEEEE! EPIC GUITAR SOLO!"
After his small monologue, Mister Torgue exited the wreckage of the ship and was met by the stares of several small horses that looked like they were made of gems.
"HOLY *BLEEP*! BUTT STALLION HAD BABIES!"
Shining Armor chuckled to himself as he watched his wife handle a rather unreasonable, senile, old crystal pony who was rambling about his visions of gigantic aliens and explosions. The old coot flailed his hooves wildly in an attempt to get his point across, but Princess Cadance just sighed in exasperation.
"I'm sorry Fate Shuffle, I'm afraid these claims are... a bit outlandish. It's not that we doubt your ability to predict events, but this one sounds a bit embellished. I'm sure if you take a nice bath and a nap, whatever is bothering you will be better." Cadance tried to soothe the crystal pony.
"Dag nabbit! I don't need a nap! I'm telling you, Princess, an alien is on it's way. I didn't see anything else other than explosions. I'm not sure what it meant, but it's important!"
Shining Armor decided to help his wife with the manic old pony, "Easy there, Fate. Like Cadance said, we don't doubt you but we feel you're a bit over the top on this one. How bout you go down to the pub and relax there for awhile?"
"Sonny, there's no ti- Wait! I'm getting something... Whatever is going to happen... will happen in a few seconds!" Fate Shuffle flattened himself against the ground and covered his head with his hooves.
Several of the guards in the room hid smiles as they tried not to laugh at the display. Shining Armor did the same, but rather poorly. Princess Cadance merely sighed. Before anypony could reply to the old coot's outlandish prediction, a massive rumble filled the room and a loud explosion was heard in the distance. Everypony in the room instinctively ducked and began searching the room for the source of the disturbance. The older gentlecolt who had prepared himself for the sudden event now jumped up in triumph.
"I told you! I told you all! Who needs a nap now!?" Fate Shuffle did a little jig.
The old pony did not receive an answer. By the time Fate Shuffle finished his jig, the audience room had been emptied and it's occupants (save for Fate Shuffle) had gone outside to investigate. Fate mumbled something about unappreciative youths and showed himself out of the castle.
Princess Cadance and Shining Armor raced out of the castle and towards the fields surrounding the city, a moderately sized group of guards in tow. Their destination, what they perceived to be the cause of the disturbance, was the only thing that was out of the ordinary. A very large smoking crater in which a few hunks of metal were able to be viewed. The group (save for a few guards who were too rattled to get close to the crater) gathered around the edge of the crater and peered inside warily, not sure whether to now believe Fate Shuffle's prediction or play it off as a rogue spell gone wrong.
"SQUIBBLYBAMBLYMEEDLYMEEEEEEEEEEE!"
The ponies cringed at the harsh noises that came from the crater, but quickly set their focus on the crater once more. Emerging from beneath the hunks was a strange creature that very much resembled a minotaur, but it lacked horns and a snout. The creature gazed back at the ponies who were gathered around the hole and it's jaw dropped.
"HOLY *BLEEP*! BUTT STALLION HAD BABIES!"
Mr. Flexington was my father. CALL ME MISTER TORGUE!
"Wait a minute! Butt Stallion is on Pandora! These can't be her babies! THIS SITUATION IS FULL OF CONFUSION!"
The creature in the crater scratched its head and grunted several times. Shining Armor defensively took a step forward to be able to move in front of his wife should the creature end up hostile. It was strange that the creature spoke native Equestrian, except for its random bursts of noise that were shrill and unnerving. Shining Armor debated approaching the creature and questioning it but before he could really reach an answer, he noticed his wife was no longer behind him. She was carefully walking up to the large creature, who noticed this and stopped grunting.
"One of the horses is approaching me! I TOLD LILITH I'M NOT SCARY LOOKING! CHILDREN AND ANIMALS LOVE ME!"
"Hello. I was just wondering what you were doing here?" Cadance asked softly.
“HOLY S*BLEEP*! A TALKING HORSE?! THAT'S AWESOME! I'm sorry if I scared you, little horsey! My ship just crashed into this planet! That's where the EXPLOSION came from!"
At about this time, Shining Armor finally got over the shock of his wife's bravery, rushed forward and stepped protectively in front of Cadance. Shining Armor eyed the creature warily as he turned his head slightly to whisper to Cadance.
"What were you thinking?! This creature could have hurt you! Don't you even try to argue that it wouldn't. You have to be more careful" Shining whispered feverishly.
"Just because all the creatures in that board game you play are mean, doesn't mean all creatures in real life are mean." Cadance tried to look stern but couldn't help giggling.
"This isn't time for jokes... And I haven't played Oubliettes and Ogres in years!" Shining bristled.
"But-"
Torgue interrupted. “BOARD GAME?! OUBLIETTES AND OGRES?! That sounds familiar...oh yeah! It sounds just like Bunkers and Badasses! WE HAVE SIMILARITIES, LITTLE WHITE HORSE!"
"See, Shining? He plays a similar game. Would a monster play a geeky board game?" Cadance giggled slightly and turned to the creature, "May I ask your name?"
"My name is Mister Torgue Flexington!” Torgue posed, then noticed something was missing. “There is a sudden lack of explosions! MY INTRO REQUIRES EXPLOSIONS!"
The creature turned around and began digging through the piles of metal that were the remains of his supposed ship. A moment or two later, he turned back to Shining and Cadance before posing. Shortly after his pose, something in the scrap pile made a large explosion, highlighting Mister Torgue and scattering bits of metal around the crater.
"IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU!" Mister Torgue finished posing and crouched down to be at eye level with the ponies, "What are your names?!"
"My name is Cadance, and this is my husband, Shining Armor. Ah..." Cadance turned and looked towards the edge of the crater, where townsponies were joining the guards in gawking at the creature. "Perhaps we should move this conversation to the castle. I'd like to sort things out in a more private location before the public sees a large creature and...well, panics."
"Wait a second! You want to bring this thing to the castle?! He made an explosion just to introduce himself. That's dangerous and insane!" Shining pointed at Mister Torgue, indicating what he was calling insane.
"Please, Shining. I'm sure he'd respect our request to not blow anything up in our castle if we asked. And, Mr. Flexington, I apologize for my husband's behavior. He's just worried since you're a creature we've never seen before."
"YOUR CONCERN IS UNDERSTANDABLE! STRANGER DANGER IS SERIOUS BUSINESS! Also, Mr. Flexington was my father! Call me Mister Torgue!" Mister Torgue stuck out the shortest digit at the end of his forelimb.
"Of course." Cadance said, unsure what to make of his gesture and his constant yelling, "Follow us. We'll take you to the castle."
Mister Torgue nodded and Cadance walked out of the crater, Shining and Torgue in tow. The growing crowd parted when the group approached and continued to gaze at the massive creature. Cadance and Shining were used to stares, being royals and all, but they didn't know if Mister Torgue would respond well to the amount of attention. To their surprise, he didn't even seem to notice. The tall creature was messing with something on his head that looked suspiciously like headphones. Content that their 'guest' wouldn't be troubled by the crowd, Cadance continued to lead on towards the castle.
[Epic Perspective(Torgue)]
Since following a pony wasn't exactly hard, Mister Torgue decided to mess with his headset to see if he could get his Echo Communication Device to work. The device fizzled a bit, but ultimately did nothing. He couldn't contact anyone.
"F*BLEEP*! My communication device is broken, so I can't contact my friends. With my ship destroyed and my Echo device in ruin, I may be stuck on this planet. PLOT TWIST!"
"Okay, what the hay is up with your voice? It sounds like you start to say something, but then it cuts out and makes this high-pitched noise." Shining Armor snapped, causing the party to stop just outside the city.
"I get asked that a lot! Apparently I curse a lot, so the shareholders of my company had my voice box wired so I can't say s*BLEEP*, c*BLEEP*, or p*BLEEP* f*BLEEP* d*BLEEP*balls! I STILL THINK IT'S BULLS*BLEEP*!"
"That's...not what I was expecting. If that's the case, then I suppose you're right, Cadance. I don't think an unknown species trotting through town making screeching noises by cursing would be good for public morale." Shining sighed.
After that, the rest of the walk was silent. The pink horse named Cadance led them through the town. The geeky one named Shining followed quietly, keeping an eye on Mister Torgue, who continued to tinker with his Echo device. Despite usually blowing stuff up, Torgue was actually a pretty decent handy man. Otherwise, he wouldn't be able to make things that explode. By the time they reached their destination though, he'd made no progress.
Cadance had led them through the town rather quickly and they arrived at the castle without any trouble. The door to the castle glowed and opened on its own, which Mister Torgue thought was pretty awesome. Several things in the room looked like they would be awesome if they exploded, but Cadance had asked him not to and he was going to respect that. After all, nothing is more badass than treating a woman with respect!
"Well," Cadance began, closing the door to the throne room, "I suppose what we need to discuss first is what you even are, Mr. Torgue."
"I like to think that I'm a badass, but that mean Tannis lady keeps calling me a protein-guzzling buffoon! If you want to get technical, I'm a human, but that name is boring as s*BLEEP*!"
"Human, huh? That's strange. The only humans we've heard of in Equestria are in mythology. That can't be a coincidence." Shining scratched his head.
"Should we contact Princess Celestia? Or maybe Twilight and the other elements?" Cadance ruffled her wings a bit.
"That would be best. Send a message to both. Twi and the elements would be useful...in case...yeah. And Celesta will probably know what to do." Shining agreed.
"What do you mean ‘know what to do’?! I don't see any problems! I only see AWESOME! I haven't had a vacation since my shareholders had to hide me while they cleared the press after I blew up a planet. I SAID I WAS SORRY! ACCIDENTS HAPPEN!”
Both of the ponies took a couple steps away from Mister Torgue. If he noticed, it didn't show it as he was busy grumbling about the mean shareholders. They were the ones who showed him the nuke button! What did they expect him to do, not press it?
"Hehehe...anyway, the only problem is what the public will think. I heard from Twilight that a whole town panicked because a zebra came to town. I'd hate to know the reaction of civilians if we toss a massive, loud creature into the masses without preparation. Er... no offense." Cadance smiled awkwardly.
"None taken! Your argument is reasonable and I am quite loud! IT'S HEREDITARY!"
"Right...I'll just go prepare and send the letters then. Until they respond, Mr. Torgue can stay in one of the castle guest rooms. Will you show him to one, Shining?" Cadance batted her eyelashes.
Shining sighed, "I can't say no when you do that."
"Thank you," Cadance smiled and pecked Shining Armor on the cheek before leaving the room.
Mister Torgue and Shining sat awkwardly for a few moments. Torgue wondered if he was going to get to blow something up soon. It had been like a full twenty five minutes since he'd seen one. Before Torgue could start planning a way to blow something up without the pink pony being angry about it, Shining cleared his throat to get Torgue's attention.
"You said something about playing a game like Oubliettes and Ogres, right?" Shining looked towards the door cautiously, "I don't fully trust you yet, but what better way to get to know somepony than by playing a role playing game together?"
"You're inviting me to play a role playing game?! AWESOME! With Brick not here, I'll actually get to play the Siren! NOW I GET TO BE THE PRETTIEST BADASS!"
"Never heard of the Siren class before, but that's alright. Come on, I keep my board in the northern barracks so Cadance doesn't find out I still play."
[Meanwhile, in a library over in Ponyville]
Twilight paced around the library. She kept getting this strange feeling that she couldn't quite describe. Every word she came up with to describe it sounded wrong, which bothered her considering her immense vocabulary. She'd already tried 183 adjectives and still found nothing to be close to describing it.
"It's hazy? No... It's foreboding? That's not it either..." Twilight mused, "Maybe it's-"
"Awesome?"
Twilight squeaked in surprise and spun around. Rainbow Dash hovered near an open window, smirking. The pegasus flew in the window and touched down near the startled unicorn. Twilight composed herself and gave Rainbow a stern look.
"You know there's a door, right?"
"You know who I am, right?" Rainbow returned with a grin.
"Touché...actually, I think that word fits."
"Fits what?" Rainbow sat down and made herself comfortable.
"This feeling I keep getting. I couldn't find a word to describe it, but 'awesome' sounds like it fits. It's so bizarre..."
Rainbow shrugged and mumbled something about eggheads. Twilight merely tapped her head in thought. Whatever the 'awesome' feeling was supposed to tell her was going to elude her for just a bit longer.
"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. This is a quick Q&A with myself, the author, and Mister Torgue, the badass. Now, first-"
"THERE IS A DISTINCT LACK OF COOKIES. YOU PROMISED ME COOKIES!"
"Yes, yes. I'll bring in the cookies in a moment, Mister Torgue. For now, let's answer some questions."
Torgue grumbles a response and Burlacious Soldier nods. Burlacious picks up a stack of cards, shuffles said cards, then clears his throat.
"Okay, the first question is from fakeaccountthatdidn'treallaskaquestion. Wow, that's a mouthful. Anyway, they asked if you would be meeting the Luna. While I personally haven't decided, what do you think, Mister Torgue?"
"Luna is the blue princess, right?! One of the little ponies told me she's loud like me! YOU SHOULD MAKE US MEET SO WE CAN SEE WHO'S LOUDER!"
"Alright... That doesn't really make sense, but I can do that for you. Maybe. On to the next question. Explosionator332 asks if there will be more explosions. I don't understand why someone would ask such a rhetorical question. It's like they don't know who you are, Mister Torgue."
"You're right! THAT QUESTION IS IRRELEVANT. I WILL, HOWEVER, ANSWER IT WITH A QUESTION. EXPLOSIONS?"
The area behind the duo explodes in a massive, fiery explosion. Burlacious smirks at Mister Torgue while Mister Torgue plays his air guitar.
"SQUEEDLYBAMBLYFEEDLYMEEDLYMOWWWWWWW! NEXT QUESTION!"
"Indeed. TheAtomicRainbomb asks, 'what is your favorite character of the Mane Six?'. Considering he hasn't met them yet, I don't know if he does but-"
"Rarity! SHE CARRIED THAT BIGASS ROCK EVERYWHERE IN THAT ONE EPISODE! THAT WAS BADASS!"
"Wait, what? You watched the show? And you chose Rarity? Hell, I figured you'd choose Rainbow Dash. Guess I was wrong."
"I am a man of unexpected scenarios! How else would I end up on a colorful planet full of colorful ponies?!"
"Because I wrote it? Never mind, we're getting off task. The next question is from AgainstCrossoversBrony. Well, that's harsh. He asks, 'Why would you write such an incomprehensibly, thoughtless-'"
"THAT QUESTION HAD TOO MANY SYLLABLES. NEXT!"
Burlacious rips the question in half and tosses it behind himself. causing several small explosions.
"Right, that question was s*BLEEP* anyway. I-"
""Whoa! Your shareholders did that to you too?! WE HAVE A SIMILAR PROBLEM!"
"Not shareholders, just the mods. It's understandable though, this story is rated teen. So, we're down to two more questions. Iron Will asks if you will help him with his seminars. He also covered the card in various things like 'You're awesome!' and 'It'd be an honor to meet you!'."
"As fun as that sounds, F*BLEEP* THAT S*BLEEP*! MISTER TORGUE DOESN'T HAVE TIME FOR SEMINARS! I HAVE ALL THESE PONIES TO MEET, EXPLOSIONS TO EXPLODE AND COOKIES TO EAT! WHERE'S THE COOKIES!"
"Fine. You've waited patiently."
Burlacious presses a button on the table that magically escaped notice until now. The button buzzes and Lilith walks in the door with a plate of cookies and a frown.
"Make me do this again and I'll kill you."
"Come on. Torgue didn't get any of your cookies since Tina blew him to Equus."
Lilith sighs and walks out of the room after placing the cookies in front of Mister Torgue. Mister Torgue digs into the cookies with gusto.
"Well, I'll just answer this last one myself. It's directed at me anyway. Damn it, there's two questions on this card. How cheeky. Flutterdrunk asks, 'Will there be more Borderlands character ending up on Equus?' and, 'Why are you doing a Q&A this early in the story?' Well, to answer the first question, that depends if Torgue can fix his Echo device. The odds of another character just ending up in Equestria are too low. They'd need a reason to go there. To the second question, I've had a lot of work these past couple days so I thought I'd pump out something funny really quickly so my audience doesn't get bored. The next chapter is on the way, just slightly delayed. Well, with all the questions answered, I guess-"
"WAIT! My shareholders have me legally bound to promote Torgue weaponry at every panel, seminar and Q&A that I attend! BUY TORGUE!"
"Alright, so we're done now? I need to get to writing your next chapter."
Yes! This is Mister Torgue, signing off. TOODLES!"
"MEEDLYMEEDLYMEEDLYMOOOOOOOOOOOW! My luck is UNBELIEVABLE!" Torgue slid on his knees as he played his air guitar.
"No kidding. That's your third twenty in a row. If we weren't using my dice, I'd think you were cheating," Shining laughed.
"No way! Cheating is for cowards! Plus, I would never cheat in a game I play with friends! FRIENDS ARE IMPORTANT!"
"You already consider me a friend? I suppose I was right about getting to know somepony over Oubliettes and Ogres."
"Of course! And playing for five hours only brings us closer!"
"Wait, five hours?! We-"
"Shining Armor, sir! I'm glad I found you." A guard entered with a salute and a nervous look at Mister Torgue. "Princess Cadance is looking for you."
"Ugh... I'm going to get such an earful..." Shining sighed, "Alright, let her know I'll be along shortly. Tell her I was showing Mister Torgue around the castle."
"But sir, weren't you playing that board ga-"
"Isn't that right, Mister Torgue? Showing you around the castle." Shining directed his question at Torgue while smiling at the guard menacingly.
"Huh, what? Oh, yeah! Around the castle!" Torgue grunted as he fiddled with his character card.
"Yes, sir! Right away, sir!" The guard quickly saluted and bolted from the room.
Shining stopped smiling and sighed. He wiped a hoof across his face and turned towards Torgue.
"Guess we'll just save this for later. Don't worry, I wrote down your progress in the story so we'll continue right from here when we get back."
"Allllllright!" Torgue set down his character sheet and stood up.
The unlikely duo set about putting the board and papers away in the game's case. Torgue almost broke a piece while doing so, which nearly caused Shining to have a heart attack. After they put it away, the two left the barracks and headed for the main castle. While they walked, Torgue tried once again to fix his echo device. So far he'd managed to get it to spark and spit out static, but not much else. Occasionally it would snap on for a few moments and he would hear blurbs of hold music and a cackling that sounded like Handsome Jack.
"What is that anyway? It looks like one of those 'headsets' they have in the big cities." Shining asked, opening the door to the castle.
"Well, it is a headset, but it's also my Echo device. IT'S MULTI-FUNCTIONAL!" Torgue grinned and flashed a thumbs up.
"You mentioned an 'Echo device' earlier. What does it do?"
"Basically it's like a long-range telephone with slight visual capabilities! If you don't know what a telephone is, it takes your voice across long distance to your pals! ...THAT SENTENCE HAD TOO MANY SYLLABLES! I APOLOGIZE!"
"Ah... no problem. Alright, we're here. Play along." Shining opened a door and put on a smile, "And now we're back to the room we talked with Cadance in. Oh, speaking of Cadance..."
Cadance held an amused expression as she watched the two enter the room. "Yes, hello Shining. Hello Mister Torgue. Enjoy your game of Oubliettes and Ogres?"
Shining rolled his eyes playfully and waved a hoof dismissively. "We weren't playing a game, Cadance. I was just showing Mister Torgue around the castle."
Cadance raised an eyebrow. "So you weren't in the northern barracks playing Oubliettes and Ogres?”
"How did you-! ...No... No we weren't."
Torgue glanced between the couple and leaned down towards Shining and whispered (loudly), "I think she found us out. She even knew where we were."
Shining slapped a hoof to his forehead. "I know..."
"I've known about your hiding place for months now, Shining. You weren't as sneaky as you thought when you sneaked out of bed to go play with the guards every couple weeks." Cadance giggled, "Anyway, I sent the guard to bring you back because Twilight and Princess Celestia have responded. Both of them will arrive tomorrow morning to figure matters out for Mister Torgue. He can sleep in one of the guest rooms tonight."
"Alright, sounds good." Shining grinned, "Is Princess Luna coming as well?"
"She... Wait a minute. Earlier today you were entirely against Mister Torgue even coming to the castle and now you don't even comment when I say he can stay in one of the guest rooms?" Cadance's eyes widened a bit.
Shining shrugged. "No point in denying it now. I just played Oubliettes and Ogres with him for five hours, Cadance. You get to know a pony -or in this case human- pretty well when you play a roleplaying game with them for that long."
"Yeah! As my Grandma used to say, 'Kicking ass the the best way to make friends!' In hindsight, this may not be the best way to make friends all the time, but it was effective in making me and Shining Armor friends! GRANDMA IS ALWAYS RIGHT!" Torgue grinned and flashed a thumbs-up at the couple. Shining nodded in agreement. Cadance just looked at the two curiously before shaking her head and smiling. It was a little strange to her that her usually cautious husband became friendly with their odd guest in only a few hours. He was usually much more suspicious of trusting other creatures after an incident while he was on patrol, but she was glad he made friends with Mister Torgue so easily. In any case, she wasn't going to ruin it by questioning it any further.
"Well, I'm glad you two became friends. I guess you can go back to playing your game then. I just wanted to let you know about the responses from Twilight and Celestia."
"Actually, I really should show him around first, and make sure all the guards know he's a guest. There might be problems if a guard isn't informed and they see a massive, muscular creature wandering around the castle if Mister Torgue has to use the restroom in the middle of the night," Shining laughed.
"I suppose you're right. Oh, and Mister Torgue?" Cadance turned towards the muscly badass.
"Huh?" Torgue snapped his head towards Cadance, having been distracted by his very attractive reflection that he saw on a nearby, crystal wall.
Cadance beckoned him to come closer and Torgue complied. Shining watched in confusion as his wife whispered something in the human's ear, causing the creature to grin and nod eagerly.
"Just don't tell Shining, okay?" Cadance flashed her husband a look and grinned mischievously.
"Yes ma'am!" Torgue flashed a thumbs up once more.
"What did you tell him?" Shining sighed immediately after asking, realizing his question would likely not be answered.
"You'll find out later,” Cadance cooed, flicking Shining's nose with her tail as she walked past him and left the room.
Shining watched her leave before turning to Torgue with a questioning look. Torgue merely mimed zipping his mouth and remained silent, which was very out of character for the loud and proud badass. Shining shook his head and motioned for Torgue to follow before leaving the room and leading Torgue through the castle toward the guest rooms. Along the way, Shining asked Torgue several times to tell him what Cadance told him. Each time Torgue replied the same way, stating that “Nothing is more badass than treating a woman with respect! She asked me not to tell, so you'll have to wait!” The trip was short, only being interrupted once by a short stop at the restroom, and soon Mister Torgue was admiring the room that was labeled 'For Minotaur guests'. The room was simple, only adorned with a large bed, a statue of a minotaur and a personal restroom.
"This room is nice!" Torgue grunted as he sized himself up against the statue of the minotaur.
"I'm glad you like it. Considering it's the only room with a bed you would fit in..." Shining chuckled to himself.
"Huh?" Torgue flexed and compared his muscles to the statue.
"Just muttering to myself about the secret you won't tell me," Shining coughed.
"Well, it's been about ten minutes, right? Cadance told me that's all I had to stall you for."
Shining scoffed before he actually realized what Torgue said. "Wait, what?!"
"Yeah, she told me to stall you for at least ten minutes with the game or something before telling you to go to the courtyard. Also, MY CHEST IS HUGE!" Torgue flexed once more and laughed at the statue's much tinier muscles.
"What the buck is in the courtyard?!" Shining cursed.
"Nothing is more bad-"
"I know, you've said that like ten times already. Let's head to the courtyard." Shining barely finished his sentence before opening the door with magic and briskly walking out the door. Torgue stood for a second, laughing to himself and saying, “This is going to be awesome!” before jogging out of the room to catch up to the unicorn. Torgue caught up to Shining quickly and followed the pony through a few hallways and up to a large set of double doors. Shining's horn shone and the doors creaked as they slowly inched open. Upon seeing the courtyard on the other side, both Mister Torgue and Shining Armor's jaws dropped. Obscenely large barrels labeled 'fireworks' were lined up, stretching all the way across the courtyard. Several crystal ponies in jumpsuits ran around talking about fusing wires and such while Princess Cadance sat in the center, smiling at the pair who had just entered.
"I'll... I'll admit this is shocking, but did you really have to-"
"THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME!" Torgue cut Shining off and ran forward to get a better look at the barrels of explosives.
Cadance giggled and walked forward to nuzzle her husband. "You didn't tell me about your board game, so I didn't tell you about my welcome gift to Mister Torgue. He seemed to like explosions so much and we asked him not to make any in the castle, so I asked the local pyrotechnician, Flash Powder, to set this up. For such short notice, I was quite surprised by the sheer quantity of fireworks he had created. But it's nice to see somepony who seems to enjoy their craft so much. According to Mr. Powder, the finale will be quite spectacular."
"...Y'know it's a little crazy to do something this elaborate for a creature we met earlier today... but I suppose that's why I love you so much. You're way too kind of a pony," Shining mumbled.
"Love you too, Shining. And you know half the reason you love me is because of my sexy flank." Cadance wiggled her backside tauntingly, causing Shining to blush.
"Princess, should I begin the performance?" a small, stocky crystal pony asked from over by the barrels of fireworks.
"Yes, that would be lovely, Mr. Powder. Mister Torgue! If you come over here, we can begin," Cadance called to Torgue, who had climbed on top of one of the barrels and was peering inside.
"Allllllright!" Torgue hopped off of the barrel and quickly strode over to the now growing crowd that was forming around Cadance and Shining Armor, "And whoever put these together is brilliant! Just from the look, I could tell the saltpeter was a very fine grade and the potassium nitrate was carefully mixed and measured to the precise amount. A true demolitions expert!"
"Why thank you," Flash Powder replied as he joined the crowd shortly after Torgue. "You are experienced with explosives?"
"F*BLEEP* YES! You are talking the most electrifying man in combat and explosive entertainment! IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU!" Torgue extended a fist toward the firework maker who in turn, after a few moments of confusion, bumped a hoof against it.
"Haha... anyway, without further ado..." Flash Powder produced a match from behind his ear, lit the match and touched the match to a very long fuse he had dragged behind him when he walked to the group. The fuse flared to life and a bright spark flew across the fuse. A moment later the fuse split into multiple directions and so did the spark, sending a spark toward each individual barrel of fireworks. Mere seconds passed and the sparks disappeared into the mouths of the barrels just before several balls of fire were launched into the air with a loud whistle. The whistles quickly faded but were just as quickly replaced by loud explosions of multiple colors, painting the sky a multitude of reds and yellows. The whistles started up again, and the process repeated, only with larger explosions. The explosions continued for a few minutes, varying in hue, size and frequency.
"Here comes the finale," Flash Powder breathed as a smile crawled onto his face.
Suddenly the barrage of whistling and explosions stopped. An awkward silence settled over the crowd, though Torgue noticed the smile didn't disappear from Flash Powder's face, so he expected something spectacular and he was not disappointed. Just when some of the audience decided the show was finished, all of the barrels shot massive flares into the air simultaneously. The flares hovered high in the air for several seconds before flaring a bright white, causing everyone pony and human alike to cover their eyes. When the light faded a bit, the audience uncovered their eyes just in time to see the brief but beautiful spectacle in the sky. Where the flares had been now floated several giant, burning letters that spelled out the word “EXPLOSIONS”. The word burned in the sky for a few more seconds before fading into the wind, leaving the audience in awe of the pyrotechnician’s handiwork. Flash Powder chuckled and glanced at Torgue. "Whaddya think?"
Torgue looked down at the stout pony and smiled, "THAT WAS F*BLEEP*ING AWESOME!"
Torgue's eyes opened to reveal darkness. He lay for several moments in confusion before remembering the previous day’s rather crazy events. Torgue lay up in the massive bed and cracked his neck before releasing a massive, satisfied sigh. He quickly stretched and slid out of the bed for quick morning calisthenics. Because there's no way to keep such great muscles unless you do morning calisthenics. No. Way. At all.
As Torgue continued stretching he noticed a faint sound. Static. Reaching up to his headset, Torgue turned up the volume to reveal that his Echo device was now working but not receiving signal. Torgue took his Echo device off of his head and began to mess with the dials, hoping to find a frequency that reached this planet. He was about to give up when suddenly he heard the voice of Lilith coming from the device. He quickly put the headset back on and flicked his microphone down towards his mouth.
"LILITH! DAMN, AM I GLAD TO HEAR YOUR VOICE. Not in a romantic way, but in the way of close friends! WE ARE STRICTLY PLATONIC!"
"Torgue? Is that you? Where the hell are you? We've been searching everywhere after Tina said your ship got blown up by raiders. Are you okay?"
"THAT LITTLE- Yes, I'm fine! Why wouldn't I be? Badasses don't get hurt. We hurt things! Anyway, not the point. I'm in one of the uncharted sectors!" Torgue kept fiddling with the dials on his headset to maintain the connection.
"Tor- yo- Jac- can-" Lilith's voice stuttered through the headset.
"What?! You're breaking-" A shrill whine came from Torgue's headset. "What the-"
KABOOM!
Torgue's headset exploded on his head, dazing the badass and knocking him off his feet. Torgue lay on the floor for several seconds before registering what had happened.
"*BLEEP BLEEP BLEEEEEEEEEP BLEEP*"
Torgue's eyes widened. He had only cursed once in that sentence but it had all come out censored.
"*BLEEP BLEEP*"
Torgue groaned and slapped a hand to his currently scorched forehead. Somehow his headset exploding had messed with his edited voice box. If he could speak, Torgue would say something witty about how unlikely the event was and that it was totally not badass. The badass pulled himself into a sitting position and took quickly took stock of his head's condition. Badass glasses? Check. Epic bandanna of epicosity? Checkeroonie, though slightly burnt. Mustache? You bet your ass that's still there. Eyebrows?
"*BLEEP*" Torgue actually cursed, upset that his manly eyebrows had somehow not survived the explosion.
With a grunt, Torgue raised from his seat on the floor into a standing position and left his room. Torgue wandered the halls for a while, trying to remember the way Shining Armor had shown him to the dining hall. Or had he shown him? Torgue couldn't remember. Fortunately a rather informed guard spotted Torgue looking confused and pointed him in the direction of the dining hall. He was lucky the guard assumed he was on his way to eat considering all he could do was beep at the guy/girl (He still couldn't really differentiate very well). Torgue followed the guard’s instructions, though not without stopping by a rather large and shiny vase to admire his muscles in the reflection, and eventually opened a door to reveal his destination.
Cadance, who was sitting at the table, eating, raised her head as he entered and gave him a smile. "Hmm? Oh, good morning Mister Torgue! Or should I say afternoon? Anyway, while you were sleeping, Twilight and her friends arrived and Princess Celestia should be arriving shortly."
Torgue's gaze swept over the table and took in its occupants. Besides the two he already knew, six ponies sat at the long table. Each held a different expression, though they all stared at him. The purple and white ones held curious looks. The orange and blue ones looked unimpressed. The pink one seemed to be overly excited or perhaps related to Krieg in the fact that she looked positively insane and the last one, a butter yellow one, had an unreadable look that Torgue placed somewhere between fear and curiosity. A tense silence filled the air of the dining room until Torgue decided to break it.
Cadance and Shining Armor shared a concerned look while the purple one stood, her look of curiosity replaced with excitement, "Cadance! You didn't tell me he spoke in Horse Code! Let's see... uh... boop boop boop boop. Boop boop. B-"
Shining placed a hoof on the purple unicorn's shoulder. "Uh, Twily? He doesn't speak in Horse Code. Apparently something was done to him that makes his voice beep like that when he... curses."
'Twily' blinked a couple times and began to blush. Hearing Shining's explanation, the orange one stood and glared at Torgue.
"So yer telling me this thing is cursin' at us? Why Ah oughta-" the orange one took a step towards Torgue, who was scratching his head in thought.
"Wait! Surely that isn't the case. Something must be wrong," Cadance soothed. "Did something happen, Mister Torgue?"
Torgue stopped scratching his head and looked at Cadance. He opened his mouth but, remembering the current situation, closed it and thought for another moment. Finally he decided to act out his request, holding his left hand palm up in front of him and using his right hand to imitate writing. The ponies all looked rather confused for several moments before the blue one attempted to translate.
"Maybe he's hungry? I think he's imitating cereal." the blue one tried, causing Torgue to shake his head and repeat the gesture.
"Yeah, RD. ‘Cause the big feller is cursing at us because he's hungry," the orange one deadpanned, earning her an angry look from 'RD'.
"Oh, please don't bicker in front of... this thing, girls. It's unbecoming of a lady to bicker." The white one fluffed her hair at 'RD' and Orange before turning her attention back to Torgue. "Hmm, maybe he's asking for something to write with."
"*BLEEP BLEEP*" Torgue pointed at her and nodded vigorously.
Knowing what he wanted now, Shining Armor had a guard fetch a pad and pencil for Torgue. The guard returned swiftly and handed the items to Torgue, who began scratching a message on the pad. The room's occupants waited eagerly as the muscly being scratched and scratched at the pad with the pencil. When he was finally done, he handed the message to Cadance. Cadance read over the message and nodded.
"I won't read it exactly, but... Ahem. 'I'm sorry little ponies! I woke up this morning and my Echo device exploded on my head, somehow messing with my voice box and censoring everything I say instead of just curse words. It's total b-' Uh, I'm not really comfortable reading that part... Anyway, 'Until I fix my voice box, I'll have to communicate through writing and charades. But because writing is totally not bada-' I, uh, don't know if I'm comfortable with that word either. 'I'm just going to use charades. It'll be like we're playing a game!'" Cadance finished.
Torgue gestured at the pad, causing Cadance to return it quickly. The badass quickly scribbled something on it and handed it back to her. She read his note and giggled.
"Really?" Cadance asked, to which Torgue nodded, "Okay. Apparently I didn't read the last line with enough 'gusto' so, 'IT'LL BE LIKE WE'RE PLAYING A GAME!'"
The tables occupants became wide eyed as Cadance shifted into the Royal Canterlot Voice, causing Cadance to break out into a fit of giggles and Torgue to break out into a mix of guffaws and bleeps. Once the two settled down, Shining coughed and brought the room’s attention to himself.
"Well with that out of the way, perhaps we can get some proper introductions."
"Of course! My name is Twilight Sparkle." Twilight grinned at Torgue.
"Ah'm Applejack. Sorry bout accusin' ya of cursin' at us." Applejack grinned sheepishly and rubbed the back of her neck.
The white one opened her mouth, probably to introduce herself, before the pink one jumped on the table and shouted excitedly, "Hi! My name's Pinkie Pie! I've never met an alien before, but boy if I'm not excited! I get to throw a 'welcome to Equestria' party! There'll be cake and balloons and- oh, wait! Here let me..."
Pinkie Pie bounced across the room and hopped on Torgue's back, putting her hooves on the top and bottom of his head. She swiftly snapped his head back and forth.
"Pinkie!" the entire room exclaimed.
"Ow! What the f- Wait, how the?!" Torgue rubbed his neck as Pinkie got off of him and returned to her seat with a smile. "How did-"
"Don't. Trust me. It's better not to question it." Twilight interrupted, her tone exhibiting a sort of frustration and confusion of its own.
Shining Armor, just as confused as Torgue, stood and walked over to Torgue. "Oookay. Well then... To speed things along a bit, I'll introduce everyone. You know Applejack, Twily and Pinkie. That's Rarity, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy. There's another one, but Spike stepped out to use the restroom a bit ago. He's a dragon."
"Alright!" Torgue finished rubbing his neck and struck a pose. "It's nice to meet you all! I'm Mister Torgue!"
"So this is the one the letter mentioned?"
Everyone in the room turned towards the entrance. Standing in the doorway were two rather large ponies, both with strangely flowing manes. Seeing who had entered, most of the room got out of their chairs and bowed. Torgue, as graceful as always, spouted the first thing that came to mind.
"Hah! She has a sun on her butt! TALK ABOUT A HOT PIECE OF ASS!"
The ground shook from the sheer collective force of several jaws dropping. For their part, though, the room's newest occupants had the lightest reaction, merely blinking in surprise. Torgue glanced around at the ponies surrounding him, genuinely confused at their reactions. After several moments of awkward silence, the large white one coughed and began to speak.
"Well, I... uh... I don't know what to say." the white one stammered, a slightly bewildered look on its face.
"I agree, sister. His manner is... most unbecoming." the dark blue one eyed Torgue warily.
This time Torgue's jaw dropped, "Unbecoming?! That was a compliment! How the f*BLEEP* was that unbecoming?!"
About this time, the rest of the room overcame the shock of Mister Torgue's words from earlier. A rather ticked Twilight looked as if she were about to yell at Torgue if Shining Armor hadn't stepped up and gestured for Torgue to follow him.
"How about you girls talk with the princesses about Torgue while he and I go have a word for a moment?" Shining opened the door to the hallway and beckoned to Torgue once more.
Torgue looked as if he wanted to argue but he gave up, deciding only wussies would argue, and followed Shining. Once in the hallway, Torgue folded his arms and leaned against the wall while Shining slapped a hoof to his face and shook his head.
"What happened to 'nothing is more badass than treating a woman with respect'?" Shining said after removing his hoof from his face.
"What wasn't respectful about that?! It was a compliment! And a joke too! Double the fun!" Torgue grumbled.
"Dude, they are royalty. And you are a new species to us. That kind of asks for a bit more of a formal meeting, not for checking out her flank!" Shining was peeking through a crack in the door to make sure nopony was eavesdropping.
"I wasn't! Where I come from, you compliment people to make friends. That or throw money at them. BOTH ARE EFFECTIVE!"
Shining Armor sighed, "Alright, then explain that to them. I'm sure they'll understand. But for now, try to keep it formal. Like if you were at a business meeting for your company."
"Oh no, not like a business meeting. You don't want that. My business meetings usually involve several people exploding and nuke buttons. My company makes explosives, after all." Torgue smiled at the memory of the nuke button.
"Fine. Just be cool and try not to curse. That's how you be formal." Shining sighed and opened the door, "Now let's see if we can fix this."
Torgue walked back into the dining hall, Shining Armor following shortly behind. To their surprise, the girls were not waiting with angry looks but with mirthful expressions instead. Shining Armor quietly slipped over next to his wife and whispered something in her ear, to which she smiled and nodded. Her nod seemed to make him relax, but Torgue was still sort of confused.
"Wait, I thought you were angry? What did I miss?"
The large white pony stepped forward, "Princess Cadance explained to all of us your... unique sense of grace... and how your comment was likely just as you said it was. A compliment. I must say, though, your sense of respect is... refreshing."
"Thank you! As I always say, NOTHING IS MORE BADASS THAN TREATING A WOMAN WITH RESPECT!" Torgue grinned and flashed a thumbs up.
"Ah, thou art capable of the Royal Canterlot Voice? Thou must be a royal from thine own planet. GREETINGS. I AM PRINCESS LUNA!" Luna bellowed, blowing Torgue back several inches.
"Whoa! I like her!" Torgue grinned, "But I bet I can be louder!"
"Hah! Foolish creature. I accept thy challenge. HAVE AT TH-" Luna was cut off by the white one's hoof over her mouth.
"As entertaining as that would be, I'm afraid there are other things we must attend to first." the white pony turned back to Torgue, "First we must discuss what to do with Mr. Torgue here. I am Princess Celestia, by the way. It occurs that I never properly introduced myself."
"Nice to meet you! And I don't know what you mean 'what to do with me'. As far as I'm concerned, I'm on vacation! LET'S PARTY!"
At this, Pinkie Pie jumped up and took a breath, as if to agree (very eagerly and loudly), but Celestia interjected, "Of course, but I meant for the duration of your stay. If it would suit you, we could arrange for you to stay in Ponyville while you are here."
"Sure! As long as there's booze, explosions and parties, it's fine by me!"
"Woohoo! Can we talk now? Or is the writer going to keep having Torguey and Princess Celestia talk?" Pinkie babbled, causing several heads to turn and stare at her strangely, "What?"
"Uh... I don't know what to say to that. Anyway, who wants to hear about the time I wrestled a shark wearing a bolo tie?! Now, you may be wondering, 'Who was wearing the bolo tie? You or the shark?'. Answer? Yes."
Vinyl Scratch gasped for air as she finished chugging another bottle of Applejack Daniels. As she reached for a seventh, her roommate Octavia entered the kitchen.
"Vinyl! What is the matter with you? Why are you drinking so much alcohol?" Octavia rushed over to her roommate and snatched the new bottle from her before she could open it.
"I... shenshed that a challenger is approacshing... Shomeone who thinksh they can out drink me ish coming to Ponyville. I can feel it. I gotta train..." Vinyl wobbled slightly and suddenly her legs collapsed.
Octavia gasped and checked her roommate but was quickly relieved when she realized she had simply passed out. Octavia quickly lifted Vinyl and carried her to her room and lay her on her bed. As she tucked her in, she thought of this 'challenger' Vinyl had spoken of. If it were true, she thought, then she had better prepare a trip to Canterlot for the next few days. Anyone that could out drink Vinyl was sure to cause a ruckus, and Octavia was not fond of those.
Torgue grunted with effort as he climbed the castle wall. Usually climbing a wall wasn't too difficult but since the wall was made of solid crystal, he had to stab holes in the wall with his fingers to make grip holes. Shining Armor had originally protested but with the assurance from the crystalsmith that it could be easily fixed, Torgue was allowed to climb the castle wall.
After everything had been sorted out and explained, everyone in the dining hall had a nice time chatting. Most of the chatting consisted of Mister Torgue telling stories about his badass adventures, but it was also dotted with input from more curious ponies that were interested in learning about alien life (Luna and Twilight). About half way into the little social gathering, Celestia announced that there was still business in Canterlot that she must attend to and left. Luna had started to follow her with a reluctant look on her face but Celestia told her to stay and 'entertain the alien ambassador' as 'it is a royal duty to entertain foreign guests'. Luna happily agreed and returned to the rest of the group. Sadly for Luna, as soon as she returned, Torgue announced that he needed to work out, lest he start to become 'a flabby badass that isn't nearly as badass as a muscly one', and asked if he could climb the castle wall for a warm up.
Despite the difficulty of digging his own handholds in the wall, Torgue still found the wall rather easy compared to his usual afternoon wall climb. The wall he had at home was rigged with explosives, obviously, and had falling rocks to hinder his progress. Sadly, there were no such obstacles on this crystal wall and, after many more handholds had been dug, Torgue reached the balcony. Torgue pulled himself up onto the balcony, stood on the railing and gazed down at the ponies who had watched him climb. As he gazed, he noticed something that interested him.
"HEY, IS THAT FOUNTAIN DEEP?!" Torgue shouted down at the spectators.
The one closest to the fountain, Twilight, quickly peered inside before craning her neck back to look at Torgue once more, "Not really! It's maybe four or five hooves deep! Why?"
Torgue didn't answer her question. Instead, he hopped off the railing and took several steps back onto the balcony. Thinking he was heading into the castle, everypony who had watched Torgue climb began to head back inside. Much to their surprise though, a sudden shout of 'SWAN DIVE' came from above, followed by a large mass of muscle launching over the railing. Torgue sailed through the air for a few seconds before hurtling downward in a majestic dive. Before any of the ponies could react, Torgue hit the water and water splashed out of the fountain. Unfortunately it seemed Twilight's measurements were correct as, rather than Torgue coming back up from the water, his legs remained sticking out of the water. The first to overcome the shock, Luna and Applejack, rushed over to the edge of the fountain and pulled Torgue out of the fountain and laid him down on the ground.
"Are you alright?" came from several of the ponies there.
Torgue stared at them blankly through his now slightly cracked sunglasses. Eventually, Torgue cracked his neck and let out a short bark of laughter.
"WOOOOO! THAT WAS F*BLEEP*ING AWESOME!" Torgue sat up and made a strange gesture with his hands that resembled horns, "Well, that'll cover working out for now! Now what?!"
"Wow, even I need a break after a crash like that. This guy is tough." Rainbow Dash commented.
"Dern tootin'. That should've broken his neck, but that feller just shrugged it off." Applejack agreed, "Bet he'd make one heck of an applebucker."
"Ahem," Luna coughed, giving her the attention of those who were present, "If it suits thee, Mr. Torgue, I would like to finish our challenge from earlier."
"The what?! ...Oh! That yelling thing! F*BLEEP* yes! Bring it on, Princess! CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!" Torgue stood and gave Luna a cheeky grin.
"Wonderful! We should move this somewhere more appropriate, though. Shouting in the courtyard does not fit the size of this event!" Luna announced dramatically.
"Hey, I think the stadium from the Equestria games is still set up. How about you... I don't know what to call it, but do whatever this is over there?" Cadance asked in an amused tone.
"Perfect! Onward, to the stadium!" Luna pointed in a direction before marching off.
Luna and Torgue stood face to face on the field in the stadium. Everyone else sat in the bleachers, waiting for the strange event to begin. At some point, Spike had come from wherever he had been and Twilight explained to him everything he missed. Pinkie Pie, as usual, broke physics and somehow removed a giant foam finger from her mane and waved it around enthusiastically in support of both Torgue and Luna.
"Well," Cadance called to the competitors, "I suppose if everyone is ready, we can begin. Ready? Set. Shout!"
An awkward silence filled the air as a lack of shouting ensued. Everyone in the stands exchanged questioning glances. Eventually Torgue raised his hand like a child asking a question.
"Um... yes, Torgue?" Cadance questioned.
"What do we shout about?" Torgue asked.
"Yes, this confuses me as well. We did not think this through." Luna scratched her neck with her hoof.
"Just... Uh... Shout anything I guess. Isn't it the goal to see who's louder? Just shout whatever comes to mind. Keep going until someone concedes." Cadance suggested.
"Awesome! I guess I'll start! WHALE SQUIDS ARE AMAZING!" Torgue shouted.
"Hah, thy form is weak. THE MOON IS BEAUTIFUL!" Luna returned.
"HYPERION IS A BUNCH OF P*BEEP*IES!"
"CAKE IS DELICIOUS!"
"I AGREE! WE SHOULD HAVE SOME AFTER THIS!"
"AGREED"
One hour later
"MY PECS ARE HUGE!"
"MY MANE IS LUXURIOUS!""
"YOU ARE REALLY PRETTY!"
"I-i-" Luna choked, her face suddenly turning red, "Not fair..."
For the second time that day, Torgue caused several jaws to drop. Torgue grinned, completely unabashed by his comment. Luna, however, was suddenly sheepish and blushing.
"Does this mean I win?" Torgue asked, to which Luna simply nodded, "Wooo! SQUIBLYMEEDLYMEEDLYMEEDLYMOOOOWWWWWWWWWW! VICTORY! You put up a good match, Princess. You are definitely a certified badass! Now, let's go get that cake!"
"Y-yes. Let's... I must say. Your comment really got me. It was a clever way to win." Luna fumbled.
"Really? I didn't even think about it." Torgue shrugged and began to walk towards everyone who was watching, "Come on. DON'T KEEP THE CAKE WAITING!"
Luna nodded and followed, though she stumbled awkwardly as she started. Luna stopped and shook her head to clear it. Torgue's comment had been really unexpected and really surprised her. She decided to ignore it though. She knew interspecies relations wouldn't work and frankly, Torgue was not her type. With her mind cleared, Luna began to follow Torgue at a more even pace.
After returning from the stadium, everyone enjoyed some moist and delicious cake, courtesy of the castle chefs. There was a small attempt at conversation, but most of the mouths in the room were too full of cake to speak coherently. Torgue, being Torgue, declared through a mouthful of cake that it was the most awesome cake he'd ever had, which Rainbow Dash seconded. Pinkie Pie started to argue that the Cakes made better cake, but her mouth was too full for her to be heard and her words were missed.
Once he'd finished his cake, idle chatter began. Spike, who had apparently sneaked into town that morning to bask in the admiration of crystal ponies, eagerly asked Torgue questions about himself and how he was so muscly. Torgue, after being pulled aside by Twilight to be told not to use bad language around the little drake, explained the best ways to become a badass, without using the term badass. It was probably one of the hardest things he'd ever done, but he figured he owed it to the ponies since he'd apparently insulted their Sunbutt princess earlier that day.
"Uuuggghhhhhh. I'm bored," Rainbow Dash eventually proclaimed with a groan.
"We're sittin' here with a feller from another planet. That ain't excitin' enough for ya?" Applejack asked dryly.
"We've been hanging out with him for, like, hours. The 'wow' effect is kind of gone." Rainbow Dash said with a humph.
"Well excuuuse me!" Torgue interjected.
"I'm sure she didn't mean it like that," Fluttershy soothed.
"No, of course I didn't. I just mean sitting here talking is boring. That shouting thing was awesome though. What else could we... Oh yeah! Pinkie, do you still have that stuff I gave you?" Rainbow Dash asked eagerly.
"Yupper dupper!" Pinkie pulled a bag of blue petals out of her mane. "Unless you meant those magazi-"
"No! Pinkie! I meant the petals." Rainbow Dash blushed and took the bag.
Twilight examined the bag in Dash's hooves and gasped. "Is that Poison Joke? Why do you have that?"
"It's a special kind that I asked Zecora to make for me. It's just like regular Joke, but the effects start a lot faster and wear off after about an hour or two. I got them back when Pinkie and I were pranking everyone. We could take a few and have some laughs."
"You expect us to take this? That hair was absolutely outrageous!" Rarity scoffed.
"Lighten up, Rares. Ah didn't like it neither, but if it wears off in a couple hours, it could be fun." Applejack said reassuringly.
Rarity sighed. "Oh alright. But if it messes up my hair, I'll never do it again."
Rainbow Dash took a petal out of the bag, put it on her tongue and passed the bag to another pony. They did the same until the bag got to Torgue, who looked at it questioningly. Eventually though, once he'd been assured it just played jokes and was not a 'sissy steroid', he took a petal and ate it.
The first one to notice an effect was Rarity, or rather the first to experience it was Rarity. The first to notice the effect was actually Fluttershy.
"Uhm, Rarity? You're looking... staticky." Fluttershy said gently.
"What? What do you mean?" Rarity asked with a worried look.
"I mean that-" Fluttershy began.
POMF
Rarity screamed as all of her hair, both mane and coat, stood on end, making her look like a giant cottonball with purple on both ends. There was a small moment of silence as everyone took in the sight before the room filled with laughter.
"You look like... a parasprite... without wings!" Rainbow Dash managed to gasp in the breaths between laughs.
"She done look like an unsheared sheep!" Applejack added between chortles.
"Ha ha, very funny," Rarity deadpanned. "Just wait until it affects you girls."
"Looks like Purple Smart is next." Torgue pointed at Twilight, still chuckling at puffball-Rarity.
"Hey, don't call me- Wait, why do you say that?" Twilight asked anxiously.
"Oh my. I'm glad mine only puffed out like this. That is absolutely dreadful." Rarity commented.
"That is the most funkadelic mane I've seen in a while, Twily. That reminds me of highschool." Shining Armor chuckled.
Cadance, who had maintained a lady-like laugh until now, burst out into hysterics, "Princess Celestia has the sun, Princess Luna has the moon and our newest princess, Twilight, has her mane!"
Twilight's mane had formed a perfect dome on her head. Twilight reached a hoof up and poked at it, causing the funky hairdo to jiggle. For a moment, Twilight seemed a little bit perturbed but after a moment, she laughed along with everyone else.
After Twilight's effect, Applejack and Pinkie's began at the same time, but Pinkie's wasn't noticed until a bit after. For Applejack, her legs grew much longer, making her the same height as Princess Luna. Pinkie's effect wasn't noticed until Rainbow Dash realized she hadn't said anything for a while. When she looked, Pinkie's teeth had grown much bigger, forcing her to smile and making her unable to close her mouth or talk coherently. At first, Pinkie seemed upset at this, but once she saw her friends laughing at it, she decided it was pretty funny.
Next came Shining Armor's effect, whose horn swelled and turned to a golden brown colour, making it resemble a corn dog. After his was Luna's, which changed her colours to that of her sister's, mane included. The only thing that showed it was still Luna was her cutiemark and her voice. Spike's came next, who began hiccuping small puffs of rainbow flames. Then Cadance, who's voice was replaced with different animal noises every time she tried to speak. Then came Rainbow Dash's, which made her wings stick straight out and resist all attempts to fold them back against her sides. Rainbow Dash seemed embarrassed by this, but Torgue wasn't exactly sure why. Afterwards came Fluttershy's, whose tail came to life and acted like a snake. The tail-snake had attempted to scare Fluttershy by hissing at her, but a quick and stern lecture from Fluttershy made the tail-snake behave and surprised Torgue, who'd thought the pegasus to be a timid little creature. Last came Torgue's effect, though not immediately...
"Hey, it's been like forty-five minutes and Torgue still hasn't shown any effects," Spike mentioned between hiccups.
"You're right, Spike. That's strange... Maybe his species is immune to Poison Joke." Twilight suggested.
"Aww, that's so lame! I was looking forward to seeing what it did to him," Rainbow Dash complained.
"Well that just sucks! I was looking forward to it too! Maybe-" Torgue was interrupted by a massive coughing attack.
Several worried looks were exchanged, but Torgue's fit of coughs stopped as quickly as it started.
Torgue's new voice was majestic, silky and deep. Such a voice could only be truly described as being holy in origin, like the voice of a god. In fact, in a realm far far away, a diety felt that his voice was somehow being imitated, but he allowed it, as he would not dare deny any living thing the opportunity of hearing the most beautiful voice in existence.
"I wonder if this voice can curse. It keeps changing my words, but it seems to convey the same general message. Titty sprinkles," Torgue mused.
The room was silent. Everyone in the room stared at Torgue for several moments (not for the first time that day). Torgue was worried he'd done something wrong again until everyone burst into laughter.
"It-It wasn't even that funny until he said THAT!" Rainbow Dash giggled.
"Such a serious voice saying such a random thing. Hilarious!" Cadance snickered.
"Keep talking! That voice is just so... fabulous!" Rarity insisted.
"Oh, I suppose I can talk for a while. I always wondered what I would sound like if my words were translated to a less manly version." Torgue agreed.
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER: DO NOT READ IF YOU DON'T WANT THE BORDERLANDS 2 ENDING SPOILED. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Handsome Jack yelled and bolted upright. He sat still for a moment, then began patting himself everywhere and felt at his face. His mask was still there and he didn't have any bullet holes anywhere. It had been a dream. He hadn't actually been-
"You were, actually."
Jack jumped and looked around for the source of the voice.
"Who's there? I was what?" Jack asked angrily, "Where am I?"
Jack blinked several times, but everything remained black. He briefly thought he was blindfolded, but he felt no cloth on his face when he felt at it. Only his mask.
"Let him see, Sombra. There's no point in blinding him," the voice said.
Something growled, but Jack's vision did indeed clear. He was lying in a bare room, surrounded by three figures. Three... horse-like creatures. They reminded him of...
"Alright, joke's over. Where's the cameras? Did you pull this one, Jim?" Jack gave a hollow laugh.
"This is no joke, Handsome Jack," one of the creatures spoke.
Jack jumped. The voice he'd heard while blinded had been coming from this... thing. He wasn't sure what it was. It was almost pure black, but it seemed to be wearing some strange armor. And it had a strange aura surrounding it's head, almost like a mane. But it also had a horn and wings. Jack observed the other creatures briefly and noticed similar features. One was smaller though, lacked wings and had a black and red color scheme instead. The last one looked like it was part-bug, with a black and green colour scheme. Whatever this group was, they were obviously bad guys, considering the whole dark theme and evil glares they gave him.
"What do you want with me?" Jack asked.
"You're here to take the other side. One of 'your' kind is already here, conspiring with the Elements of Harmony. You must balance the equation," the one with the aura stated.
"Look, I don't know exactly what you mean, but I was busy with something back on Pandora." Jack sighed, having already had enough roadblocks in his quest to bring peace to Pandora.
"That's too bad. You already died there. You're lucky you were even brought here," the bug one hissed.
"So I really did..." Jack put his head in his hands, "I failed... I failed because of those damned bandits!"
"Quiet, whelp," the red one growled. "You're lucky the Nightmare here pitied you."
"Pitied me? I don't need the pity of some two bit comic book villain! I lost! I lost everything... My goal. My wife... My daughter..." Jack dropped to his knees.
"Well, if you won't cooperate by normal means, perhaps we can... arrange something," the one with the aura cooed.
"I don't want anything you have." Jack glared at the creature.
"Oh? And what if the reward we offer is your daughter?" the one with the aura chuckled darkly.
"How dare you," Jack whispered furiously. "How dare you mention Angel!"
"I dare so. And I offer you the choice. Work with us, and we can give you your daughter. Deny us, and we shall return you from where we got you. Return you to Death." The one with the aura smiled menacingly.
"How do I know you aren't lying?" Jack growled.
"You're alive, aren't you? Is that not proof of our power?" the one with the aura gloated.
"Fine... but I'm not a bad guy. I'm the good guy," Jack challenged.
"Of course you are. We all are. I simply wanted my gift to my kingdom to be enjoyed. Sombra here wanted his kind to be prosperous. Chrysalis was merely feeding her hive. We're all the 'good guys'."
"...What do you want me to do?" Jack asked begrudgingly.
"Oh, that'll come in time. First, come meet the rest. I'm Nightmare Moon, by the way. Pleasure to meet you." Nightmare Moon grinned maliciously.
"Wish I could say the same." Jack returned with a glare.
"Ooh, I like this one. Feisty." Chrysalis chuckled.
