The early Torgue gets the explosion!
Torgue's eyes opened to reveal darkness. He lay for several moments in confusion before remembering the previous day’s rather crazy events. Torgue lay up in the massive bed and cracked his neck before releasing a massive, satisfied sigh. He quickly stretched and slid out of the bed for quick morning calisthenics. Because there's no way to keep such great muscles unless you do morning calisthenics. No. Way. At all.
As Torgue continued stretching he noticed a faint sound. Static. Reaching up to his headset, Torgue turned up the volume to reveal that his Echo device was now working but not receiving signal. Torgue took his Echo device off of his head and began to mess with the dials, hoping to find a frequency that reached this planet. He was about to give up when suddenly he heard the voice of Lilith coming from the device. He quickly put the headset back on and flicked his microphone down towards his mouth.
"LILITH! DAMN, AM I GLAD TO HEAR YOUR VOICE. Not in a romantic way, but in the way of close friends! WE ARE STRICTLY PLATONIC!"
"Torgue? Is that you? Where the hell are you? We've been searching everywhere after Tina said your ship got blown up by raiders. Are you okay?"
"THAT LITTLE- Yes, I'm fine! Why wouldn't I be? Badasses don't get hurt. We hurt things! Anyway, not the point. I'm in one of the uncharted sectors!" Torgue kept fiddling with the dials on his headset to maintain the connection.
"Tor- yo- Jac- can-" Lilith's voice stuttered through the headset.
"What?! You're breaking-" A shrill whine came from Torgue's headset. "What the-"
KABOOM!
Torgue's headset exploded on his head, dazing the badass and knocking him off his feet. Torgue lay on the floor for several seconds before registering what had happened.
"*BLEEP BLEEP BLEEEEEEEEEP BLEEP*"
Torgue's eyes widened. He had only cursed once in that sentence but it had all come out censored.
"*BLEEP BLEEP*"
Torgue groaned and slapped a hand to his currently scorched forehead. Somehow his headset exploding had messed with his edited voice box. If he could speak, Torgue would say something witty about how unlikely the event was and that it was totally not badass.
The badass pulled himself into a sitting position and took quickly took stock of his head's condition. Badass glasses? Check. Epic bandanna of epicosity? Checkeroonie, though slightly burnt. Mustache? You bet your ass that's still there. Eyebrows?
"*BLEEP*" Torgue actually cursed, upset that his manly eyebrows had somehow not survived the explosion.
With a grunt, Torgue raised from his seat on the floor into a standing position and left his room. Torgue wandered the halls for a while, trying to remember the way Shining Armor had shown him to the dining hall. Or had he shown him? Torgue couldn't remember. Fortunately a rather informed guard spotted Torgue looking confused and pointed him in the direction of the dining hall. He was lucky the guard assumed he was on his way to eat considering all he could do was beep at the guy/girl (He still couldn't really differentiate very well). Torgue followed the guard’s instructions, though not without stopping by a rather large and shiny vase to admire his muscles in the reflection, and eventually opened a door to reveal his destination.
Cadance, who was sitting at the table, eating, raised her head as he entered and gave him a smile. "Hmm? Oh, good morning Mister Torgue! Or should I say afternoon? Anyway, while you were sleeping, Twilight and her friends arrived and Princess Celestia should be arriving shortly."
Torgue's gaze swept over the table and took in its occupants. Besides the two he already knew, six ponies sat at the long table. Each held a different expression, though they all stared at him. The purple and white ones held curious looks. The orange and blue ones looked unimpressed. The pink one seemed to be overly excited or perhaps related to Krieg in the fact that she looked positively insane and the last one, a butter yellow one, had an unreadable look that Torgue placed somewhere between fear and curiosity. A tense silence filled the air of the dining room until Torgue decided to break it.
"*BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEEEEEEP. BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP. BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*
Cadance and Shining Armor shared a concerned look while the purple one stood, her look of curiosity replaced with excitement, "Cadance! You didn't tell me he spoke in Horse Code! Let's see... uh... boop boop boop boop. Boop boop. B-"
Shining placed a hoof on the purple unicorn's shoulder. "Uh, Twily? He doesn't speak in Horse Code. Apparently something was done to him that makes his voice beep like that when he... curses."
'Twily' blinked a couple times and began to blush. Hearing Shining's explanation, the orange one stood and glared at Torgue.
"So yer telling me this thing is cursin' at us? Why Ah oughta-" the orange one took a step towards Torgue, who was scratching his head in thought.
"Wait! Surely that isn't the case. Something must be wrong," Cadance soothed. "Did something happen, Mister Torgue?"
Torgue stopped scratching his head and looked at Cadance. He opened his mouth but, remembering the current situation, closed it and thought for another moment. Finally he decided to act out his request, holding his left hand palm up in front of him and using his right hand to imitate writing. The ponies all looked rather confused for several moments before the blue one attempted to translate.
"Maybe he's hungry? I think he's imitating cereal." the blue one tried, causing Torgue to shake his head and repeat the gesture.
"Yeah, RD. ‘Cause the big feller is cursing at us because he's hungry," the orange one deadpanned, earning her an angry look from 'RD'.
"Oh, please don't bicker in front of... this thing, girls. It's unbecoming of a lady to bicker." The white one fluffed her hair at 'RD' and Orange before turning her attention back to Torgue. "Hmm, maybe he's asking for something to write with."
"*BLEEP BLEEP*" Torgue pointed at her and nodded vigorously.
Knowing what he wanted now, Shining Armor had a guard fetch a pad and pencil for Torgue. The guard returned swiftly and handed the items to Torgue, who began scratching a message on the pad. The room's occupants waited eagerly as the muscly being scratched and scratched at the pad with the pencil. When he was finally done, he handed the message to Cadance. Cadance read over the message and nodded.
"I won't read it exactly, but... Ahem. 'I'm sorry little ponies! I woke up this morning and my Echo device exploded on my head, somehow messing with my voice box and censoring everything I say instead of just curse words. It's total b-' Uh, I'm not really comfortable reading that part... Anyway, 'Until I fix my voice box, I'll have to communicate through writing and charades. But because writing is totally not bada-' I, uh, don't know if I'm comfortable with that word either. 'I'm just going to use charades. It'll be like we're playing a game!'" Cadance finished.
Torgue gestured at the pad, causing Cadance to return it quickly. The badass quickly scribbled something on it and handed it back to her. She read his note and giggled.
"Really?" Cadance asked, to which Torgue nodded, "Okay. Apparently I didn't read the last line with enough 'gusto' so, 'IT'LL BE LIKE WE'RE PLAYING A GAME!'"
The tables occupants became wide eyed as Cadance shifted into the Royal Canterlot Voice, causing Cadance to break out into a fit of giggles and Torgue to break out into a mix of guffaws and bleeps. Once the two settled down, Shining coughed and brought the room’s attention to himself.
"Well with that out of the way, perhaps we can get some proper introductions."
"Of course! My name is Twilight Sparkle." Twilight grinned at Torgue.
"Ah'm Applejack. Sorry bout accusin' ya of cursin' at us." Applejack grinned sheepishly and rubbed the back of her neck.
The white one opened her mouth, probably to introduce herself, before the pink one jumped on the table and shouted excitedly, "Hi! My name's Pinkie Pie! I've never met an alien before, but boy if I'm not excited! I get to throw a 'welcome to Equestria' party! There'll be cake and balloons and- oh, wait! Here let me..."
Pinkie Pie bounced across the room and hopped on Torgue's back, putting her hooves on the top and bottom of his head. She swiftly snapped his head back and forth.
"Pinkie!" the entire room exclaimed.
"Ow! What the f- Wait, how the?!" Torgue rubbed his neck as Pinkie got off of him and returned to her seat with a smile. "How did-"
"Don't. Trust me. It's better not to question it." Twilight interrupted, her tone exhibiting a sort of frustration and confusion of its own.
Shining Armor, just as confused as Torgue, stood and walked over to Torgue. "Oookay. Well then... To speed things along a bit, I'll introduce everyone. You know Applejack, Twily and Pinkie. That's Rarity, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy. There's another one, but Spike stepped out to use the restroom a bit ago. He's a dragon."
"Alright!" Torgue finished rubbing his neck and struck a pose. "It's nice to meet you all! I'm Mister Torgue!"
"So this is the one the letter mentioned?"
Everyone in the room turned towards the entrance. Standing in the doorway were two rather large ponies, both with strangely flowing manes. Seeing who had entered, most of the room got out of their chairs and bowed. Torgue, as graceful as always, spouted the first thing that came to mind.
"Hah! She has a sun on her butt! TALK ABOUT A HOT PIECE OF ASS!"
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HA hot piece of ass XD
Welcome back.
OMG i can only imagion Tia's face!
Worth it.
Of course! Genius and graceful!
Torgue: A gentlemen among gentlecolts.
Welcome back, glad to see this story will be updating again!
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Haha, I'm glad you all like the hot piece of ass joke. I added that last second cause I thought the chapter needed more Torgue-esque dialogue
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Brilliant!
Hey, man, this is very likely the most awesome thing I have ever read on this website.
It's like you're a wish-granting dragon of awesomeness riding on clouds made of badass.
I give this fic FIVE SANICS OUT OF FIVE. Nobody "just gets" Five Sanics; that's a rare and exclusive event. Here's a Stache. You earned it.
Good... Keep the Torgue coming! I'll stand here flexing in front of my mirror until you post a new chapter! ROLL THE PENTAKILL ALBUM!!!
Just for that bit, I'm faving this story. Big Borderlands 2 player here and the premise you have here is just HILARIOUS!
Also, High-Five, YOU DID NOT TREAT A LADY WITH RESPECT! APOLOGIZE!
well i will guess everypony will drop their jaw on what Mr.Torgue said while Celestia will be a little bit suprised and maybe blush by the compliment
Welcome back. GLad to see we'll be getting more of Torgue's antics in Equestria. In fact, think I'll replay the Borderlands 2 again. Long overdue
And thus Torgue's voicebox repaired itself randomly, or did I miss something.
4502093 Pinkie Pie. Nuff said
4502093 Pinkie Pie fixed it, because Pinkie Pie.
Remember kids, always be nice to the ladies and treat them with respect- Said the Mister T from alternative reality, he likes tea and puppies.
Also EXPLOSIONS!
We need him to meet Iron Will.
Iron Will and Mr. Torgue have the same voice actor, who also played Hercule Satan in DBZ. WE NEED THIS.
THEY WILL BE THE BEST OF BUDS.
4502651 He's probably ascend to become the God of Explosions. Then the Religion of Torgue would be founded and then the great explosion crusade would begin, leaving naught but explosions.
4501473 Which review is that gif from?
4504635 Would he have as devoted supporters as the Firehawk did? I know Torgue would love a worshiper like Matchstick.
4504840 It's mister Torgue, he'll probably only less the most badass of badasses into his religion. So of Course someone like matchsticks would be in it.
4504918 "less the most badass"
you mean let the most badass
4505345 Huzzah! My first unintentional slip of the past two years. I've got this bitch slapping communication inhibiting mental disorder thing down!
4505500 no you don't, not if you took 2 years to make it.
Welcome back, and thanks for the explosions!
Mister Torque, that is NOT how you treat a lady with respect. APOLOGIZE!
4501909
4506770
BY THE POWER OF 4CHAN!
4506093 Whatever, I was running low on caffeine.
I'm pretty sure 'ass' would've been censored. Did Pinkie break the modification altogether?
4509250 Pinkie is known to break a lot of things, but surely she found time to install a self repair system while she broke Torgue's neck so it'll be back to full function in a bit. (Basically the joke lost a bit of flair if it was censored so i let it through.)
oh you done fucked up now, you done fucked up, you FUCKED UP NOW!
4506144 To be fair i am pretty sure that Togue was not aware that Celestia was a lady.
Hah! She has a sun on her butt! TALK ABOUT A HOT PIECE OF ASS!"
Lmao. Lolololololololoolololoolololoollloolplllolooloololo
4582952 THAT WAS THE BEST LINE MISTER TORGUE COULD SAY RIGHT NOW!!!
*thunk*
And there goes my forehead.