Just a Joke
After returning from the stadium, everyone enjoyed some moist and delicious cake, courtesy of the castle chefs. There was a small attempt at conversation, but most of the mouths in the room were too full of cake to speak coherently. Torgue, being Torgue, declared through a mouthful of cake that it was the most awesome cake he'd ever had, which Rainbow Dash seconded. Pinkie Pie started to argue that the Cakes made better cake, but her mouth was too full for her to be heard and her words were missed.
Once he'd finished his cake, idle chatter began. Spike, who had apparently sneaked into town that morning to bask in the admiration of crystal ponies, eagerly asked Torgue questions about himself and how he was so muscly. Torgue, after being pulled aside by Twilight to be told not to use bad language around the little drake, explained the best ways to become a badass, without using the term badass. It was probably one of the hardest things he'd ever done, but he figured he owed it to the ponies since he'd apparently insulted their Sunbutt princess earlier that day.
"Uuuggghhhhhh. I'm bored," Rainbow Dash eventually proclaimed with a groan.
"We're sittin' here with a feller from another planet. That ain't excitin' enough for ya?" Applejack asked dryly.
"We've been hanging out with him for, like, hours. The 'wow' effect is kind of gone." Rainbow Dash said with a humph.
"Well excuuuse me!" Torgue interjected.
"I'm sure she didn't mean it like that," Fluttershy soothed.
"No, of course I didn't. I just mean sitting here talking is boring. That shouting thing was awesome though. What else could we... Oh yeah! Pinkie, do you still have that stuff I gave you?" Rainbow Dash asked eagerly.
"Yupper dupper!" Pinkie pulled a bag of blue petals out of her mane. "Unless you meant those magazi-"
"No! Pinkie! I meant the petals." Rainbow Dash blushed and took the bag.
Twilight examined the bag in Dash's hooves and gasped. "Is that Poison Joke? Why do you have that?"
"It's a special kind that I asked Zecora to make for me. It's just like regular Joke, but the effects start a lot faster and wear off after about an hour or two. I got them back when Pinkie and I were pranking everyone. We could take a few and have some laughs."
"You expect us to take this? That hair was absolutely outrageous!" Rarity scoffed.
"Lighten up, Rares. Ah didn't like it neither, but if it wears off in a couple hours, it could be fun." Applejack said reassuringly.
Rarity sighed. "Oh alright. But if it messes up my hair, I'll never do it again."
Rainbow Dash took a petal out of the bag, put it on her tongue and passed the bag to another pony. They did the same until the bag got to Torgue, who looked at it questioningly. Eventually though, once he'd been assured it just played jokes and was not a 'sissy steroid', he took a petal and ate it.
The first one to notice an effect was Rarity, or rather the first to experience it was Rarity. The first to notice the effect was actually Fluttershy.
"Uhm, Rarity? You're looking... staticky." Fluttershy said gently.
"What? What do you mean?" Rarity asked with a worried look.
"I mean that-" Fluttershy began.
POMF
Rarity screamed as all of her hair, both mane and coat, stood on end, making her look like a giant cottonball with purple on both ends. There was a small moment of silence as everyone took in the sight before the room filled with laughter.
"You look like... a parasprite... without wings!" Rainbow Dash managed to gasp in the breaths between laughs.
"She done look like an unsheared sheep!" Applejack added between chortles.
"Ha ha, very funny," Rarity deadpanned. "Just wait until it affects you girls."
"Looks like Purple Smart is next." Torgue pointed at Twilight, still chuckling at puffball-Rarity.
"Hey, don't call me- Wait, why do you say that?" Twilight asked anxiously.
"Oh my. I'm glad mine only puffed out like this. That is absolutely dreadful." Rarity commented.
"That is the most funkadelic mane I've seen in a while, Twily. That reminds me of highschool." Shining Armor chuckled.
Cadance, who had maintained a lady-like laugh until now, burst out into hysterics, "Princess Celestia has the sun, Princess Luna has the moon and our newest princess, Twilight, has her mane!"
Twilight's mane had formed a perfect dome on her head. Twilight reached a hoof up and poked at it, causing the funky hairdo to jiggle. For a moment, Twilight seemed a little bit perturbed but after a moment, she laughed along with everyone else.
After Twilight's effect, Applejack and Pinkie's began at the same time, but Pinkie's wasn't noticed until a bit after. For Applejack, her legs grew much longer, making her the same height as Princess Luna. Pinkie's effect wasn't noticed until Rainbow Dash realized she hadn't said anything for a while. When she looked, Pinkie's teeth had grown much bigger, forcing her to smile and making her unable to close her mouth or talk coherently. At first, Pinkie seemed upset at this, but once she saw her friends laughing at it, she decided it was pretty funny.
Next came Shining Armor's effect, whose horn swelled and turned to a golden brown colour, making it resemble a corn dog. After his was Luna's, which changed her colours to that of her sister's, mane included. The only thing that showed it was still Luna was her cutiemark and her voice. Spike's came next, who began hiccuping small puffs of rainbow flames. Then Cadance, who's voice was replaced with different animal noises every time she tried to speak. Then came Rainbow Dash's, which made her wings stick straight out and resist all attempts to fold them back against her sides. Rainbow Dash seemed embarrassed by this, but Torgue wasn't exactly sure why. Afterwards came Fluttershy's, whose tail came to life and acted like a snake. The tail-snake had attempted to scare Fluttershy by hissing at her, but a quick and stern lecture from Fluttershy made the tail-snake behave and surprised Torgue, who'd thought the pegasus to be a timid little creature. Last came Torgue's effect, though not immediately...
"Hey, it's been like forty-five minutes and Torgue still hasn't shown any effects," Spike mentioned between hiccups.
"You're right, Spike. That's strange... Maybe his species is immune to Poison Joke." Twilight suggested.
"Aww, that's so lame! I was looking forward to seeing what it did to him," Rainbow Dash complained.
"Well that just sucks! I was looking forward to it too! Maybe-" Torgue was interrupted by a massive coughing attack.
Several worried looks were exchanged, but Torgue's fit of coughs stopped as quickly as it started.
Torgue's new voice was majestic, silky and deep. Such a voice could only be truly described as being holy in origin, like the voice of a god. In fact, in a realm far far away, a diety felt that his voice was somehow being imitated, but he allowed it, as he would not dare deny any living thing the opportunity of hearing the most beautiful voice in existence.
"I wonder if this voice can curse. It keeps changing my words, but it seems to convey the same general message. Titty sprinkles," Torgue mused.
The room was silent. Everyone in the room stared at Torgue for several moments (not for the first time that day). Torgue was worried he'd done something wrong again until everyone burst into laughter.
"It-It wasn't even that funny until he said THAT!" Rainbow Dash giggled.
"Such a serious voice saying such a random thing. Hilarious!" Cadance snickered.
"Keep talking! That voice is just so... fabulous!" Rarity insisted.
"Oh, I suppose I can talk for a while. I always wondered what I would sound like if my words were translated to a less manly version." Torgue agreed.
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER: DO NOT READ IF YOU DON'T WANT THE BORDERLANDS 2 ENDING SPOILED. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Handsome Jack yelled and bolted upright. He sat still for a moment, then began patting himself everywhere and felt at his face. His mask was still there and he didn't have any bullet holes anywhere. It had been a dream. He hadn't actually been-
"You were, actually."
Jack jumped and looked around for the source of the voice.
"Who's there? I was what?" Jack asked angrily, "Where am I?"
Jack blinked several times, but everything remained black. He briefly thought he was blindfolded, but he felt no cloth on his face when he felt at it. Only his mask.
"Let him see, Sombra. There's no point in blinding him," the voice said.
Something growled, but Jack's vision did indeed clear. He was lying in a bare room, surrounded by three figures. Three... horse-like creatures. They reminded him of...
"Alright, joke's over. Where's the cameras? Did you pull this one, Jim?" Jack gave a hollow laugh.
"This is no joke, Handsome Jack," one of the creatures spoke.
Jack jumped. The voice he'd heard while blinded had been coming from this... thing. He wasn't sure what it was. It was almost pure black, but it seemed to be wearing some strange armor. And it had a strange aura surrounding it's head, almost like a mane. But it also had a horn and wings. Jack observed the other creatures briefly and noticed similar features. One was smaller though, lacked wings and had a black and red color scheme instead. The last one looked like it was part-bug, with a black and green colour scheme. Whatever this group was, they were obviously bad guys, considering the whole dark theme and evil glares they gave him.
"What do you want with me?" Jack asked.
"You're here to take the other side. One of 'your' kind is already here, conspiring with the Elements of Harmony. You must balance the equation," the one with the aura stated.
"Look, I don't know exactly what you mean, but I was busy with something back on Pandora." Jack sighed, having already had enough roadblocks in his quest to bring peace to Pandora.
"That's too bad. You already died there. You're lucky you were even brought here," the bug one hissed.
"So I really did..." Jack put his head in his hands, "I failed... I failed because of those damned bandits!"
"Quiet, whelp," the red one growled. "You're lucky the Nightmare here pitied you."
"Pitied me? I don't need the pity of some two bit comic book villain! I lost! I lost everything... My goal. My wife... My daughter..." Jack dropped to his knees.
"Well, if you won't cooperate by normal means, perhaps we can... arrange something," the one with the aura cooed.
"I don't want anything you have." Jack glared at the creature.
"Oh? And what if the reward we offer is your daughter?" the one with the aura chuckled darkly.
"How dare you," Jack whispered furiously. "How dare you mention Angel!"
"I dare so. And I offer you the choice. Work with us, and we can give you your daughter. Deny us, and we shall return you from where we got you. Return you to Death." The one with the aura smiled menacingly.
"How do I know you aren't lying?" Jack growled.
"You're alive, aren't you? Is that not proof of our power?" the one with the aura gloated.
"Fine... but I'm not a bad guy. I'm the good guy," Jack challenged.
"Of course you are. We all are. I simply wanted my gift to my kingdom to be enjoyed. Sombra here wanted his kind to be prosperous. Chrysalis was merely feeding her hive. We're all the 'good guys'."
"...What do you want me to do?" Jack asked begrudgingly.
"Oh, that'll come in time. First, come meet the rest. I'm Nightmare Moon, by the way. Pleasure to meet you." Nightmare Moon grinned maliciously.
"Wish I could say the same." Jack returned with a glare.
"Ooh, I like this one. Feisty." Chrysalis chuckled.
"Hmm." Sombra grunted.
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YES!!! MORE TORGUE!!! BLEEP*ING AWESOME!!!
YE~AHHH!!!
God, haven't read a story with this dude since Mudpony did that DT anthology prompt! xD
I'm gonna enjoy this.
You cheecky little dick waffle...
A villain, Jacky boy no less.... Well, I can't wait for him to meet Rarity
*tear*
This has been beautiful so far. More please!
And now Jack is brought into the story. Who'll be next, Krieg?
That idea with Morgan's voice was awesome though, you get major points for that
4708608 Krieg would kill Nightmare Moon, Sombra, and Chrysalis whilst yelling about poop trains.
As soon as I saw the picture, I almost threw my computer out the window
Jack is... ALIVE!?!
*resisting to falcon punch though this computer.
memeshappen.com/media/created/54oyam.jpg
I'm not sure how I feel about having Sombra, Nightmare Moon, and Chrysalis having knowledge of Jack and somehow magically saving him from death especially given the fact that Pandora would be light-years away and having the power required to not only save him from whatever kills him (whether it would be the player or Lilith) and then bring him to Equestria. If they had that sort of power then they could just steamroll anyone who would stand against them.
Seems a bit to cliché to have all the villains meet to unite in a combined effort to defeat the forces of good only to be defeated by the Mane Six plus whoever showed up.
That's going out when you edit it, right? The second line?
MEANWHILE IN A DIFFERENT F*CKING LOCATION- *sips coffee reading this* i am way to tired to do this *falls face first on my keyboard*
4709371 Don't worry. There's a little something in that little bit that I think everyone missed, including my editor. Hopefully you'll be satisfied by what actually happens.
I bet the villains will stab handsome jack in the back as soon as torque is out of the equation.... unless he stabs them in the back first that is, but the other villains should know that he is a liability
4709371 because souls totally weigh something.... oh wait they don't, it isn't that hard to make them move above light speed, and they have teleportation.
And there is no way any of them actually TRUST handsome jack.... it even seems that they are manipulateing him
Edit: also it probably only works on humans, or is rather difficult to do, plus if they can do it so can Celestia.
4715862 What you're suggesting is that they already knew about Jack's existence despite the fact that ponies, let alone any other race, have no access to interstellar knowledge. Their most advanced form of transportation, canon acknowledged that is, is a train. Then, they reached out and snared a person's soul from the other side. Now depending on a person's religious belief, they would either be taking something from nothing or having to contest with a deity which none of them are, or just 'pluck it out of thin air'.
Now considering none of the mega-corporations have not discovered Equestria yet there must be light years of distance between them to avoid notice. To just take Handsome Jack's soul from Pandora would be like trying to pick up a single grain of rice with mile long chopsticks. This isn't even taking into consideration all of the other souls who would just so happen to be wandering about at the time.
4716004 they found out about angel didn't they? also after first contact they may have traced where torque came from.
and teleportation is their most advanced form of transportation
and they have magic
it is more like teleporting a grain of rice
heck they would just have needed to teleport his body and fix that - who says a soul is involved, we ARE talking about handsome jack
Never quite understood why he didn't revive himself, but then again, maybe that's exactly what happens after you beat the game the first time then start again on hard mode at lvl 50 with all your gear.
4718329
4716004
I like how you guys think, as you put a lot of thought into your comments, but what actually happened isn't actually what you think. Never once did it directly say those three brought Jack to where they are. It was somewhat hinted at, but never confirmed.
4724740 hinted? because that was totally subtle and none of them said that they could send him back or anything...
Handsome Jack and the villains?
MOTHERF*CKING PLOT TWIST!
I Am Groot
how is this a thing
how is this all a thing
what is my life
I was expecting that somewhere... oh well. Fun read, I couldn't help but read every capitalized sentence in Torgue's voice.
While jack is plot twist.
BIGGER PLOT TWIST IS KRIEG!
Make it happen.
This still being done or is it dead?
This story is just dorky and fun and amazing. I bet you had a lot of fun writing all that dialogue for Mr. Torgue, and I also would wager that it was difficult at times. It seems to have been quite some time since last posting, but I'm glad I had the chance to read it late then never! I wont be a jerk and ask you to keep going if you had no further plans, I get it, life happens. But nevertheless, thanks for the damn fun read. TOODLES!