TINA, YOU SENT ME SOMEWHERE AWESOME
"TINA! Thank you for letting me be in your game earlier! It was AWESOME! Now, I'm just kinda wondering... Why are you on my space truck?!"
"Don' chu worry bout it mayne. I'm just, uh, seein' how yous doin' is all. What it is, Torgue man?"
"Not much Tina! And... IS IT JUST ME, OR DOES IT FEEL LIKE YOU'RE LYING?!"
"Torgue, babe, I wouldn't lie to ya. Just, uh, don't check out your back thrustahs. Ain't nothin' wrong with 'em. Anyway, Lilith is makin' cookies, so I'ma go noms. Bai!"
Instead of waiting for Mister Torgue to go down to Pandora and land for her to depart, she skipped over to the escape pod and hopped inside. The pod detached from Mister Torgue's space truck and propelled itself towards Pandora. A moment or two later, Tina contacted Mister Torgue's Echo device.
"Oh, by the way, GET PRANKED SUCKAH!"
Suddenly something on the back thrusters of the space truck, which supposedly had nothing wrong with them, exploded and propelled the space truck at near warp speeds. Mister Torgue was thrown to the back of the space truck and stuck against the wall for when a space vehicle is going near warp speeds without engaging the warp drive, the artificial gravity isn't engaged and inertia becomes a bitch.
"Damn it Tina, if this wasn't more fun than the amusement park my grandmother took me to when I was little, I WOULD BE QUITE PISSED!"
Mister Torgue's space truck hurtled through the galaxy somehow not really hitting anything, which Mister Torgue found to be very convenient since high speed collisions were not very comfortable. They usually led to explosions, which while awesome, they usually hurt to be inside. Mister Torgue flew through most of the explored galaxies (he even passed his grandmother's planet) until he reached uncharted sectors. This worried the muscly badass as this meant he was very far from Pandora with probably destroyed thrusters, which in turn meant he wouldn't get any of Lilith's cookies! Unfortunately, the fact would soon prove to be the least of Mister Torgue's worries as his ship's luck finally ran out and rammed into something really hard. A planet. Luckily for Mister Torgue, Momma didn't raise no sissy, so the resulting tiny explosion didn't really do much to his muscly, manly exterior. It did ,however, hurt his muscly, manly feelings a little that Tina had inadvertently destroyed his space truck. The hurt feelings were quickly replaced with pride when he realized how awesome the explosion propelling his space truck at warp speeds must have looked.
"Despite the near death experience and my now destroyed ship, THAT WAS TOTALLY RADICAL! SQUIBBLYBAMBLYMEEDLYMEEEEEEEEEEE! EPIC GUITAR SOLO!"
After his small monologue, Mister Torgue exited the wreckage of the ship and was met by the stares of several small horses that looked like they were made of gems.
"HOLY *BLEEP*! BUTT STALLION HAD BABIES!"
Shining Armor chuckled to himself as he watched his wife handle a rather unreasonable, senile, old crystal pony who was rambling about his visions of gigantic aliens and explosions. The old coot flailed his hooves wildly in an attempt to get his point across, but Princess Cadance just sighed in exasperation.
"I'm sorry Fate Shuffle, I'm afraid these claims are... a bit outlandish. It's not that we doubt your ability to predict events, but this one sounds a bit embellished. I'm sure if you take a nice bath and a nap, whatever is bothering you will be better." Cadance tried to soothe the crystal pony.
"Dag nabbit! I don't need a nap! I'm telling you, Princess, an alien is on it's way. I didn't see anything else other than explosions. I'm not sure what it meant, but it's important!"
Shining Armor decided to help his wife with the manic old pony, "Easy there, Fate. Like Cadance said, we don't doubt you but we feel you're a bit over the top on this one. How bout you go down to the pub and relax there for awhile?"
"Sonny, there's no ti- Wait! I'm getting something... Whatever is going to happen... will happen in a few seconds!" Fate Shuffle flattened himself against the ground and covered his head with his hooves.
Several of the guards in the room hid smiles as they tried not to laugh at the display. Shining Armor did the same, but rather poorly. Princess Cadance merely sighed. Before anypony could reply to the old coot's outlandish prediction, a massive rumble filled the room and a loud explosion was heard in the distance. Everypony in the room instinctively ducked and began searching the room for the source of the disturbance. The older gentlecolt who had prepared himself for the sudden event now jumped up in triumph.
"I told you! I told you all! Who needs a nap now!?" Fate Shuffle did a little jig.
The old pony did not receive an answer. By the time Fate Shuffle finished his jig, the audience room had been emptied and it's occupants (save for Fate Shuffle) had gone outside to investigate. Fate mumbled something about unappreciative youths and showed himself out of the castle.
Princess Cadance and Shining Armor raced out of the castle and towards the fields surrounding the city, a moderately sized group of guards in tow. Their destination, what they perceived to be the cause of the disturbance, was the only thing that was out of the ordinary. A very large smoking crater in which a few hunks of metal were able to be viewed. The group (save for a few guards who were too rattled to get close to the crater) gathered around the edge of the crater and peered inside warily, not sure whether to now believe Fate Shuffle's prediction or play it off as a rogue spell gone wrong.
"SQUIBBLYBAMBLYMEEDLYMEEEEEEEEEEE!"
The ponies cringed at the harsh noises that came from the crater, but quickly set their focus on the crater once more. Emerging from beneath the hunks was a strange creature that very much resembled a minotaur, but it lacked horns and a snout. The creature gazed back at the ponies who were gathered around the hole and it's jaw dropped.
"HOLY *BLEEP*! BUTT STALLION HAD BABIES!"
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3772148 I try
God yes!!! PLease have pinkie met torque!!! he would love pinkies party canon!!!
3772321 that would be AWESOMELY BADASS. YOU SIR ARE GETTING CREDIT FOR THAT!
This is eye-sex.
Yes. YES. YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSS!!!!!! You genius bastard!
I give this story Torgue out of Ten.
BUY TORGUE GUNS OR YOU'RE F***ING RETARDED
CANT.STOP.TOO.FUNNY......gahhhh my heart!!!!
You had me at "SQUIBBLYBAMBLYMEEDLYMEEEEEEEEEEE!"
I JUST HAVE TO SAY THAT THIS IS F*CKING AWESOME
Thank you all! I thought I'd get a few cheap laughs, but this is the fastest a story has gotten views for me. Thank you all
3772456 Thanks! That means a lot coming from Walter White
FUCK YES THIS FIC IS GOLDEN
3772652
Damn right. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go back to
SPOILERS
being dead.
BADASS! I WANT MORE OF THIS SH*T!
3773207 Damn straight. Note to everyone though, according to the game, Torgue's voicebox has been modified so his cursing is bleeped automatically. Thus, his overly foul language will be noted with a *BLEEP* cause that's more or less what it does in the game. Sorry if this ruins it for anyone/anypony.
3773232 You can spoiler it so it looks like this:
"We here at Tourge believe this is BLEEPING AWESOME!"
So, after reading this totally radical story, here's what I've got to say:
SQUIBBLYBAMBLYMEEDLYMEEEEEEEEEEE!
But, in all serious, this story has great promise for a comedy fic. However, I suggest two things:
1. Get an editor. I noticed some errors in the fic that can understandably be missed, and having an editor is the best way to iron those out. That way, you look more professional (as well as smarter) in your writings.
2. Make longer chapters. I used to write ~1k chapters as well, but after reading some of my old fics a while back, I learned that they leave me wanting more too quickly. Aim for around 2k to 2.5k words a chapter.
I'll be back for more. Don't do a me and finish your story.
3773483 Yes to both of those, but a couple of problems.
1. I am unaware of how to obtain said editors. To me they are like mythical unicorns. Unattainable, but very much real.
2. This chapter was a prologue. I usually write like 3-5k words per chapter for a story.
It's really nice to get input like this though. I really appreciate it and if you know how to get an editor I'd appreciate a private message with details. I'm still a newb writer.
*Scooter voice "You're a vault hunter? That's like a unicorn!
(Sorry, I had to.)
Anyway, this story has promise for great comedy, and it looks to be trending that way.
Awww, you changed the title.
I suppose the new one makes more sense, but the old one was just so BADASS!!!!
3773841 Yea, unfortunately it was too vulgar for a teen rated story. Eventually I'll make a mature version with way more gore, cursing and badassery. Until then, it's just Torgue hilarity.
3773857 Yeah. Also Holy *BLEEP*. This is awesome
YOU ARE A BADASS FOR WRITING A STORY LIKE THIS!!!
Bahahaha!
Fellow borderlands enthusiast. To this day it is still my favorite franchise
TOO MUCH WIN...THE INTERNETZ CANNOT TAKE IIIIT (explodes)
That is all.
Mister Torgue and I would like to thank everyone for enjoying the story and leaving awesome comments. YOUR KIND WORDS ARE APPRECIATED
THE BADASS CRATER OF BADASSITUDE!
3776755 Haha, someone got the reference
THIS STORY HAS TOO MANY SYLLABLES, APOLOGIZE!!!!
3778181 BY READING THIS STORY, YOU LEGALLY FORFEIT YOUR RIGHT TO CRY, EAT TOFU, OR WATCH MOVIES WHERE PEOPLE KISS IN THE RAIN AND SH*T!
Love the fact that I could hear Tina's voice and Mr. Torgue's voice in my head in the beginning of this story! KEEP TYPING THIS STORY!!!!!!!!!! YEAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
This is relevant to my interests.
Fav for now, to keep an eye on this story ^^
Now before you get started you must digitally sign our legal waver....
JUST KIDDING! F*CK THE LEGAL WAVER! JUST HEAD ON IN AND GET STARTED WHEN I PLAY A SICK GUITAR SOLO!
SQUIBBLYBAMBLYMEEDLYMEEEEEEEEEEE!
Sorry, had to be done.
There is another story about Mr. Torgue, called "EXPLOSIONS???"
I haven't read it yet, but seeing as how this is updating and that hasn't updated in about a year, I know which one I'm paying more attention to.
It'll be fun when he talks to Twilight; "THAT SENTENCE CONTAINED TOO MANY SYLLABLES! APOLOGIZE!"
3782222 Spoilers dude!
The world can always use more of Mister Torgue. I'm eager to see what happens next, especially once he meets Fluttershy.
3782996 He will, of course, treat her with respect. NOTHING IS MORE BADASS THAN TREATING A WOMAN WITH RESPECT.
3778236 And yet I do none of these actions. Does that make me a badass, or an emotionless monster?
3783064
I have seen many things in my life, but few things fill me with such joy as PECS, LOOT, AND EXPLOSIONS....IN THAT ORDER!!! Seriously though more Tourge is exactly was FIMfiction needs, and if I could get in on this action, know that I would. I love playing as Salvador or Kreig, but in this case seeing Tourge go full-on TOURGE on Equestria is a thing of dreams and beauty! Well done and I look forward to more!
Thought I would let everybody know that the official first chapter is almost done. The first thing is the prologue. Just have to get the chapter edited and proofread.
oh my GOD, i just finished the dlc with a friend "YESTERDAY" and now i find this........if this ain't fate i don't know what is!
will start reading tomorrow...
Still gotta do this:
BADASS PONIES OF BADASSATUDE!
Mr. Torgue. would give Iron Will one hell of a run for his money in a "HOW TO BE A BADASS!" seminar!
th03.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2013/173/4/8/puking_rainbows_guy_in_hd_by_lemmino-d6026ug.png
And so, Mister Torgue learned the true meaning of friendship. And it was ****ing awesome!
I wonder if he'll be censored in Equestria too?
Oh THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME!!!