• Published 12th Jan 2014
  • 4,265 Views, 275 Comments

Mr. Torgue's Campaign of Ponies - Burlacious Soldier



Crazy tale of Mr. Torgue's time in epicland. (formerly known as Equestria)

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TINA, YOU SENT ME SOMEWHERE AWESOME

Author's Note:

Short prologue of a story I might be writing. Checked the site, but I didn't find any stories directly about Mister Torgue so I though I'd bring him along for pony adventures. If you don't know who Mister Torgue is, http://borderlands.wikia.com/wiki/Mr._Torgue he is a character from a video game. He is loud all the time, so he either has all caps or exclamation points. This story won't be nearly as enjoyable if you haven't played the game (like most fics if you haven't played/read/seen the game/book/show that they reference) so I don't recommend this story if you've never played Borderlands 2. Also, if his random gibberish in one line doesn't make sense, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0PPWyE1p2E .
Edit: If you read this before and it seems different, it is. Language was a bit harsh for teen rating so I toned it down a bit.

"TINA! Thank you for letting me be in your game earlier! It was AWESOME! Now, I'm just kinda wondering... Why are you on my space truck?!"

"Don' chu worry bout it mayne. I'm just, uh, seein' how yous doin' is all. What it is, Torgue man?"

"Not much Tina! And... IS IT JUST ME, OR DOES IT FEEL LIKE YOU'RE LYING?!"

"Torgue, babe, I wouldn't lie to ya. Just, uh, don't check out your back thrustahs. Ain't nothin' wrong with 'em. Anyway, Lilith is makin' cookies, so I'ma go noms. Bai!"

Instead of waiting for Mister Torgue to go down to Pandora and land for her to depart, she skipped over to the escape pod and hopped inside. The pod detached from Mister Torgue's space truck and propelled itself towards Pandora. A moment or two later, Tina contacted Mister Torgue's Echo device.

"Oh, by the way, GET PRANKED SUCKAH!"

Suddenly something on the back thrusters of the space truck, which supposedly had nothing wrong with them, exploded and propelled the space truck at near warp speeds. Mister Torgue was thrown to the back of the space truck and stuck against the wall for when a space vehicle is going near warp speeds without engaging the warp drive, the artificial gravity isn't engaged and inertia becomes a bitch.

"Damn it Tina, if this wasn't more fun than the amusement park my grandmother took me to when I was little, I WOULD BE QUITE PISSED!"

Mister Torgue's space truck hurtled through the galaxy somehow not really hitting anything, which Mister Torgue found to be very convenient since high speed collisions were not very comfortable. They usually led to explosions, which while awesome, they usually hurt to be inside. Mister Torgue flew through most of the explored galaxies (he even passed his grandmother's planet) until he reached uncharted sectors. This worried the muscly badass as this meant he was very far from Pandora with probably destroyed thrusters, which in turn meant he wouldn't get any of Lilith's cookies! Unfortunately, the fact would soon prove to be the least of Mister Torgue's worries as his ship's luck finally ran out and rammed into something really hard. A planet. Luckily for Mister Torgue, Momma didn't raise no sissy, so the resulting tiny explosion didn't really do much to his muscly, manly exterior. It did ,however, hurt his muscly, manly feelings a little that Tina had inadvertently destroyed his space truck. The hurt feelings were quickly replaced with pride when he realized how awesome the explosion propelling his space truck at warp speeds must have looked.

"Despite the near death experience and my now destroyed ship, THAT WAS TOTALLY RADICAL! SQUIBBLYBAMBLYMEEDLYMEEEEEEEEEEE! EPIC GUITAR SOLO!"

After his small monologue, Mister Torgue exited the wreckage of the ship and was met by the stares of several small horses that looked like they were made of gems.

"HOLY *BLEEP*! BUTT STALLION HAD BABIES!"


Shining Armor chuckled to himself as he watched his wife handle a rather unreasonable, senile, old crystal pony who was rambling about his visions of gigantic aliens and explosions. The old coot flailed his hooves wildly in an attempt to get his point across, but Princess Cadance just sighed in exasperation.

"I'm sorry Fate Shuffle, I'm afraid these claims are... a bit outlandish. It's not that we doubt your ability to predict events, but this one sounds a bit embellished. I'm sure if you take a nice bath and a nap, whatever is bothering you will be better." Cadance tried to soothe the crystal pony.

"Dag nabbit! I don't need a nap! I'm telling you, Princess, an alien is on it's way. I didn't see anything else other than explosions. I'm not sure what it meant, but it's important!"

Shining Armor decided to help his wife with the manic old pony, "Easy there, Fate. Like Cadance said, we don't doubt you but we feel you're a bit over the top on this one. How bout you go down to the pub and relax there for awhile?"

"Sonny, there's no ti- Wait! I'm getting something... Whatever is going to happen... will happen in a few seconds!" Fate Shuffle flattened himself against the ground and covered his head with his hooves.

Several of the guards in the room hid smiles as they tried not to laugh at the display. Shining Armor did the same, but rather poorly. Princess Cadance merely sighed. Before anypony could reply to the old coot's outlandish prediction, a massive rumble filled the room and a loud explosion was heard in the distance. Everypony in the room instinctively ducked and began searching the room for the source of the disturbance. The older gentlecolt who had prepared himself for the sudden event now jumped up in triumph.

"I told you! I told you all! Who needs a nap now!?" Fate Shuffle did a little jig.

The old pony did not receive an answer. By the time Fate Shuffle finished his jig, the audience room had been emptied and it's occupants (save for Fate Shuffle) had gone outside to investigate. Fate mumbled something about unappreciative youths and showed himself out of the castle.

Princess Cadance and Shining Armor raced out of the castle and towards the fields surrounding the city, a moderately sized group of guards in tow. Their destination, what they perceived to be the cause of the disturbance, was the only thing that was out of the ordinary. A very large smoking crater in which a few hunks of metal were able to be viewed. The group (save for a few guards who were too rattled to get close to the crater) gathered around the edge of the crater and peered inside warily, not sure whether to now believe Fate Shuffle's prediction or play it off as a rogue spell gone wrong.

"SQUIBBLYBAMBLYMEEDLYMEEEEEEEEEEE!"

The ponies cringed at the harsh noises that came from the crater, but quickly set their focus on the crater once more. Emerging from beneath the hunks was a strange creature that very much resembled a minotaur, but it lacked horns and a snout. The creature gazed back at the ponies who were gathered around the hole and it's jaw dropped.

"HOLY *BLEEP*! BUTT STALLION HAD BABIES!"

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