Spike, being a young male, notices certain things. Certain, awesome things about the world. Like the fact that every mare he knows is naked. And he can't stop thinking about it. But hell, who'd want to?
[Not a clopfic]
Spike has suddenly become very aware of the fact that every mare he knows is naked. Completely exposed. He's also very aware that this is AWESOME.
Join our young dragon as he spreads his newfound knowledge with the world, and turns male perception in Ponyville on its head.
You ever have one of those moments where, for some horrible, horrible reason, a basic fact of life rears its ugly head at you and now you can't ignore it? I'm not talking about shit like noticing you're breathing or becoming suddenly, intensely aware of your tongue. I mean like something everyone considers normal and you're just like, "Wait, what the fuck?"
Yeah. This is proving to be one of those weeks. Let me start from the beginning...
------
So I was sitting around, reading a book (I live in a library, what else do you expect me to do?), when suddenly Her Royal High-Horseness Princess Twilight Sparkle walked in. "Spike?" she called, in that weird sing-songy voice that makes my tail twitch.
I'm literally like five feet away. Why the hell does she look up whenever she walks into the building? It's fucking prejudice, I'd say. "Yes, Twilight?"
"I need you to take a letter," she said matter-of-factly.
I took out a quill and a sheet of paper. Saw this coming a mile away. "Ok, ready."
"Dear Princess Celestia, today I've learned that there are certain parts of a pony's life that they don't want to share with other ponies. Whether or not you feel it's best for them doesn't mean you should pry. Everypony needs their privacy, especially if you don't want them intruding on yours. It's always important to understand that no matter how close you are as friends, there are always boundaries."
I finished up the letter with a 'Your Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle', when I heard a cough from right next to me. "Ugh... PRINCESS Twilight Sparkle."
"Thank you, Spike," she said gratefully as I FPS-ed (Fiery Postal Service) the letter off to the ruler of the freakin' free world. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to take a shower."
I turned my attention to her as she walks away, cause I've got manners like a man, and you gotta look at somebody when they're talking to you. Except my words died in my throat. Cause at that moment she had her backside to me, and she was brushing her tail or wringing it out or something. I'm not sure what. But either way, I became suddenly and brilliantly aware that she was flashing me.
My thoughts ran at like a mile a minute while I processed this invasion of my consciousness. I mean yeah, she's always naked, but for some reason I was really aware that she was... naked. Like, nude. Not wearing anything. Freeballin'. Eu Naturale. Streaking. Whatever the fuck you wanna call it, I'm staring down some serious pony cooch right now.
And then it hit me. Like, REALLY hit me.
Everypony in town is naked. Literally, everypony. And they don't care. Hell, she probably just thought I was waiting for her to stop messing with her hair before I said something.
Oh, I should probably say something. "Uh... do you want me to, um... do something... while you're taking a shower?" Naked.
She thought for a moment. "Oh, yes! I'd like you to run out into town and buy some more ink. We're running out," she said happily, not turning around. And she hadn't even noticed I'm still in a staring contest with her vagoo. She trotted off like nothing happened, and I moved for the door. Not for the first time was I glad that dragon anatomy allows us to hide our boners. We're total penis-ninjas.
As I opened the door, I re-affirmed my earlier epiphany. Every mare in this town is buck naked, and they don't care. I literally get to stare at hot pony ass all day and no one will notice.
Being me was officially the best thing EVER.
--------
As I walked (who am I kidding, I was strutting. The world just got infinitely better in every conceivable way) down the street, I made sure to say hi to everypony. Mare or colt. See, I had a plan. If I only said hi to mares, somepony might notice. But if I said hi to everypony, it wouldn't look suspicious. Even when I angled my eyes at a mare's flank as they pass.
At first, it was going great. The sun was shining, the flanks were out in full force, and I was humming a tune. I even got to the store without a problem, and bought some bottles of ink, stowing them in my pouch after paying the guy.
It's on the way back that I hit a small hurdle. Namely, the most observant fucking stallion on the planet, Time Turner. I said hi to him like everypony else, but he put a hoof in my way to stop me. "What's up, doc?" I asked him.
His ears twitched for some reason. "Spike, I noticed you've been, well, your eyes are wandering. Now, I know it's normal for a young man to be interested in females, but-"
I held up a hand to stop him mid sentence, then motioned for him to scoot closer so we can talk quieter. "No, dude, you don't get it. They're naked."
He looked at me like I'm crazy. "Yes, and?"
"Think about it. Totally naked. Not wearing anything. Literally nothing between them and the world, if you know what I mean."
He rolled his eyes. "Yes, I know. That's why we grow our tails long. To prevent prying eyes from-"
Enough of this. The man needed to see the light. I grabbed him by the collar and put my nose to his. "Listen, dude," I hiss. "You need to understand, as a MAN. There is literally nothing but air between you and every plot within a hundred miles. NOTHING. BUT. AIR."
He stopped for a second, and I could see the cogs in his head turning. Then, he got that look. You know the one: his eyes went wide and his mouth hung open a little bit. That look ponies get when they just figured out something really obvious that somepony's been trying to explain for, like, ever.
"Oh... oh my. That's..."
"You get it now?" I said in a normal voice. He gulped, and nodded. Then he looked around. And that's where I could tell it's REALLY sunk in. His pupils got really wide and his eyes started darting everywhere. Eventually, they landed on a static target. I followed his gaze to see where it leads.
Vinyl Scratch. On any other day, it'd just be Vinyl. That loud obnoxious mare with a music fetish who's always got her headphones in. But at that moment, it was Vinyl Scratch, the smokin' hot mare who's shaking her ass back and forth, with her tail swinging in the breeze, giving Time Turner and I full view of That Which Shall Be Revered. "Dude," I said slowly.
I heard Time Turner cough behind me. "I, um... I need to go... reasons," he finishes, running into his house, and closing the door behind him.
It's in that moment that I realize my true potential. If dragons could get Cutie Marks, I'd have one right then. Celestia knows what it'd be, besides awesome.
For I have been put on this planet to worship sweet pony ass.
I stood in the middle of the road, amazed at my newfound ability to truly appreciate the world full of flank around me.
Then I got bored. I mean, yeah. Staring at flank is great and all, but it gets kind of... same-y after a while. Especially when you know everypony and it starts to get a little personal.
Like, for example, Pinkie Pie. I like Pinkie Pie. Great gal. Funny. Crazy as fruit bats on acid. And damn, that ass.
But as she hopped away, her tail and flank bouncing with her, I felt a little... uneasy. Kind of dirty, and not in a good way. I mean, I could stare at ass all day, but eventually I'll run out of new ass to admire.
Thus, I needed a game plan. A purpose. Some kind of grand goal. So I sat down on a park bench and thought about it.
I was mid-thought when I felt the bench shake a bit, and I looked up to see Time Turner. He seemed to have calmed down some, but also seemed a little pissed. "Spike, I hope you know... you've ruined me."
"How's that, dude?" I ask, as if I didn't already know.
He leans in to talk quieter. "I can't stop thinking about it. I've only talked to three mares today, but I couldn't get it out of my head that they're... and so close to me... it's driving me crazy!"
I shook my head. "So why don't you just go home and fap?" I whispered, my eyes following the rather toned flanks of a pegasus mare as she walked by.
Had he been drinking something he would have choked. "Wha-I... ok, I did. Shut up. But it's still... there! And I can't talk to anypony about this, except you. Almost all of my friends are mares, and I can't exactly say 'Hey, are you aware you're totally naked right now? So am I!' What do I do?"
I thought about this for a moment. "So... you need someone to talk to about this stuff?"
He nodded furiously.
I smiled, an idea forming in the corners of my mind. I think I finally found something to do with this newfound knowledge. "I can think of somepony to talk to..."
------
Sweet Apple Acres. Once, it was the home of delicious fruit and cider and pastries. Now? It was a safe haven. Someplace where we, as men, could talk. We being me, Time Turner, Big Mac, and Caramel, all sitting around a little table in the back of the barn.
"So, uh... what did you need to talk about?" Caramel asked, obviously confused.
Time Turner coughed, and nodded to me. Apparently I'd have to do all the talking. "Ok, so you know how everypony's naked, right?"
Mac and Caramel look at each other, then nod. They stare at me like I'm stupid. Apparently this is going to be a thing. "Yeah, so?" Caramel asks.
"No, really think about it. Like, hard. Completely naked. Every time you walk by a mare, there's nothing between your junk and hers. Nothing at all."
They still have that 'You're a fucking moron' look. I can see this might take some work.
"What are you guys up to?" I hear a tomboyish voice behind me. Or maybe not...
I turn around, and see Applejack and Rainbow Dash standing in the doorway to the barn, giving us curious looks. The other guys look a bit nervous, not wanting to breach the subject with a couple of mares, but I have prepared for this. "They're explaining this pew-burr-tea thing to me," I explain, sounding the word out like I haven't heard it before. Thanks, Twilight.
The two mares trade looks, and start to walk out. "Well then," says Applejack. "I guess we'll just leave you to it. Later, y'all."
"Yeah, bye," Rainbow Dash says uneasily. They both turn around and leave, and I see my opportunity. Leaning back across the table without turning around, I whisper to the group, "Nothing. At. All."
At first I don't think It has any effect. Then, I turn around. Both Caramel and Big Mac look like they just got hit by a freight train made of awesome. Big Mac's pupils are huge, and Caramel's going, "Uhhh....."
Time Turner, who I think is getting used to this, just kind of blinks and swallows hard. Before long, the girls are out of sight, and our attention turns back to the conversation.
(Author’s Note: Ok, what the fuck? I dropped this like in the middle of the night and when I woke up my notification box had a seizure. Jeebus. Well, you guys apparently like this shit, so I decided to patch together another chapter for you. Here ya go.)
Chapter 2
So I finally get home after hanging out with the guys, and I drop the ink off on the table next to Twilight. She’s passed out on top of a book. Again.
So, being the well-prepared and totally boss assistant that I am, I go find a roll of cellophane, and bring it back into the living room. Lifting her head like a sack of flour (Sweet Celestia this girl can sleep through anything), I drape a sheet of plastic wrap over her book, and drop her head ungracefully back onto... The Great Big Book of Everything Mares Need to Know. EVER.
I take one look at the page she’s on, and roll my eyes. I swear to the moon, as nerdy as this girl is, she’s somehow found a way to outsmart puberty long enough to get it in her twenties. This chick seriously needs to get laid.
But for now, I have more pressing matters to attend to. Like sleep. Sweet, delicious unconsciousness.
Then my stomach growls. Oh yeah, food.
I dig into the closet and pull out this big chest of gems and stones and stuff, and kick it open. Picking out a choice-sized ruby, I shove the rest back into the closet under the stairs and head to my room to snack and then sleep.
------
Funny thing, sleep. You never know exactly what’s going to happen. In your dreams, I mean.
I can’t say I was surprised at my dream. Just me sitting in a booth at some random club ( I think it’s a club. I mean, I’ve seen them on TV), while some random mare shakes her flank at me. Ok, this I could totally have seen coming. I spend all day staring at pony ass and now it’s in my dreams. Cause and effect, right?
Well, there’s one small problem with dreams in Equestria: they’re a total crapshoot. At least, they have been ever since Luna came back. Yeah, I know it’s her job to protect people from nightmares and grant restful sleep to everypony, but still. Every once in a while, she’ll just waltz into a dream.
Just like now.
I stared past the pole-dancing mare to see the freakin’ Princess of the Night staring at me blankly. I want to shout out something like “Don’t judge me!”, but come on. Princess. I’m asleep, not stupid. So instead, I just wave at her. “Sup.”
She trots over and sits next to me in my booth. The mare on the pole just keeps dancing. Then Luna turns to look at me, and says, “So, young Spike. I see you’ve started to become a man.”
Started? Oh, honey. “Well, this is apparently what happens when you spend all day staring at flank.” What? I’m dreaming. Not like I’m responsible for anything I say. “So yeah. This is happening.”
She looks at the mare on the pole, who is currently upside down, and back to me. “And where, pray tell, were you... staring at flank all day?”
“Just around town. It’s crazy. You’d think ponies would notice. But nope,” I take a sip from a drink I don’t remember holding. Pretty sure it’s supposed to be alcohol, but having never HAD alcohol (dammit Twilight), it tastes somewhat like juice.
“Notice? You mean there were public displays?” She seems shocked.
I shake my head. “No, no. Just like, everypony is naked. All the time.”
She stops and thinks about this. “Yes, that is normal. Even I am naked.”
I look over at her, and, this being my dream so fuck the rules, I give her ass a good once over. Holy Tartarus. “Yeah, and it’s awesome.”
Luna blushes brazenly, and stammers. “Wh-why I... Spike! This is-”
“A dream, right? You’re not real,” I interrupt. She stops, and blinks. Yeah, you forgot that whole bit where you say you’re dreamwalking, huh? Got ya.
After shaking her head, she coughs, and straightens her mane out of habit. “Yes. Yes! This is... a dream. And you should... enjoy it. Good night, Spike.” She gets up and walks away.
“Good night, moonbutt!”
--------
Luna woke with a start, having jostled herself out of her trance. Such a brazenly mature dream. And ‘Moonbutt’? Wherever did he... oh. Right. Moon, on her flanks. Clever.
The Princess of the night stood up and shook a few stray thoughts out of her head, deciding to take a walk around the castle before resuming her nightly dreamwalking duties. However, something still echoed in her head. ‘Everypony is naked. All the time.’ She tapped her forehead lightly with a hoof to chase away the thought.
Then she opened her bedroom door.
The two guards standing post outside turned to look back at her, one male, one female. “Are you alright, Princess?” The female asked.
Luna blinked, taking notice of their uniforms, and how they offered no... concealment in certain areas. “I... yes, yes, I’m fine. Just a rather... interesting dream I stumbled upon.”
The male guard laughed. “Clowns or midgets?” The female smacked him upside the head with a bat wing, and he shut up, standing at attention again.
The Princess gave him a once over. “No, um, nothing like that...” ‘Naked, all the time.’ “I just... need some fresh air.”
The two guards shrugged and stepped to the side to let her pass. Luna decided the best course of action would be to walk this off and forget all about it.
But she couldn’t forget about it. Every servant she passed, every guard at their post, brought back the stark reminder of the... ‘naked’ truth. “Don’t panic, Luna,” she told herself. “This is just... a thing. A thing that will go away. Like suddenly remembering you have ears. Or that one song that keeps playing in your head. You’ll be fine.” She nodded politely as one of the cooks for the Night Court walked past, pushing a tray of food. She noticed his rather large chef’s coat actually did cover him properly.
Grateful for the bit of respite, she turned to give a proper greeting to the stallion-
Only to realize that, while his coat did in fact cover his flanks, it stopped at his tail. Which she could blatantly see past every time it waved back and forth. “Oh dear me I’m ogling the help,” she muttered to herself, after coming out of her flank-induced reverie.
A brief respite offered itself in the form of an empty hallway as she turned a corner. She sighed heavily and walked forward, trying to force other thoughts into her head to blot out the nakedness. ‘I know,’ she thought to herself, after having some time to think without... interruption. ‘I’ll just go back to visiting dreams. Surely the bizarre landscape of another pony’s consciousness will derail this torrid train of thought.’
And in the true proud fashion of someone who has solved a most difficult problem, she turned smartly on her hoof, and marched back to her chambers, head held high. She nodded at her guards as she walked into her room and, settling herself down on her rug, began delving into the Dreamlands once more.
Surely she could find some respite from this notorious meme there.
------
Time Turner rolled back and forth in his bed, not unhappily, as his dreams swept over him. “Mmmm... flank... closer...” he mumbled in his sleep. He twitched a hoof, and smiled dreamily, pulling his sheets closer to his chest.
Then, suddenly, he twitched. Not a bad twitch, as the smile didn’t leave his face, but noticeable.
“Luna... what nice flanks you have...”
-------
The Lunar Princess once again jostled herself out of her trance, this time slightly panicked. She stood up, and, trotting in place with nervous energy, looked around the room. Then she saw it: her last chance. Trotting, or rather, galloping towards the bathroom, the used her magic to turn the faucet in her tub on, filling it rapidly with cold water.
“Come on, come on. Oh! This infernal thing called plumbing!” she growled, waiting for the tub to fill. Finally, it was to capacity. She dived in, not giving a thought to the freezing temperatures as the contrasting cold to the swelter of the hot summer night barraged her psyche. There, she kept herself under.
-------
Celestia was not, and has never been, an evening pony. She mumbled to herself as a Lunar guard led her down the hallways to her sister's room, talking frantically. “I don’t know what’s wrong with her, Princess, but I’m really worried. We heard a bunch of noise and I think she screamed and then we heard a big splash-”
Celestia offered a gentle hoof on her servant’s soldier. “It is ok. Thank you for bringing this to my attention." She led herself into the chambers of her younger sister, and looked about. Nothing seemed out of place, save for the watery sounds coming from the bathroom. ‘She’s probably just having a bad night. It’s happened before,’ Celestia thought to herself. She eased open the door to the bath, and called out softly, “Luna? Sister? I’m coming in...” she warned gently, trotting up to the rather large tub. She could tell by the shadowy forms beneath the waters that her sister was indeed in there.
“Luna?” she asked, louder. She put her forehooves up on the edge of the tub-
Only to be almost completely knocked off them when Luna jumped out at her. The only thing keeping her upright was her sister’s grip on both sides of her face. “Everypony’s naked, Tia!”
-------
I woke up from a really boss dream that morning feeling really great. I couldn’t remember much about the dream, I rarely do, but I had a good idea what it was about.
I glanced around, and noticed that I was awake earlier than usual. The sun was just coming up. Trying to figure out why I’d woken so early, my thoughts were interrupted by her Holiness Princess Twilight. “Spike,” she said slowly, almost menacingly.
‘Oh, great. Something with the cellophane?’ Was my first thought. Like she’d rolled up in it and almost suffocated. “Yeah?”
I didn’t expect her to shove a letter from the princess in my face. “We need to talk.”
(Author’s Note: Featured story. What. You guys are amazing, thanks!)
Chapter 3
I looked over the letter a couple of times to make sure I read it right. Apparently Princess Celestia, i.e. the literal most important pony on the planet, wrote Twilight about my dream last night. All is not lost, however. The more I read, the more the letter talked about how Princess Luna found me having an “Inappropriate dream. One depicting mares in an objectified light, with disturbing implications.” Nothing about the whole mass public nudity thing.
Well, then. This I can deal with. I look up at Twilight, and raise an eyebrow. “Objectifying mares? Really?”
She shakes her head disapprovingly. “I’m disappointed, Spike. I just don’t see how you could view mares in such a torrid manner.”
I think about it for a second. How, exactly, can I turn this around on it’s head? Wait, I got it. “Twilight, you can’t be serious. Every single pony in the free world with authority over me is a mare. All of my friends are mares. ‘Cept like 4 dudes. How can you possibly think I see you girls as anything less than successful, capable ponies?”
I felt the letter tug out of my claws, and watch her float it away with magic. “Then explain this ‘inappropriate dream’ you had,” she grumbles, staring unpleasantly at me.
Oh here we go. “Oh, it was kind of cool. I was sitting there watching a cute mare pole dance, then Princess Luna showed up and we talked for awhile. Then she left and I woke up a little later.”
Her expression went from that of disapproval to shock. “Pole dancing?! Wh-wh-whereever did you see anything like that?!”
And there it is. My out. I waltzed over to her desk, pulled out a small little book with a dark red cover, and flipped to a page. “‘Star Crossed stared openly at the vision of beauty before him’,” I read aloud. “‘Her spinning, gyrating technique too much for his male mind to process, his carnal desires tore through him like a hot knife as she fell upside down on the pole and-’” she tore the book out of my hand. “I don’t think Princess Celestia would appreciate knowing you leave such... ‘inappropriate’ material lying around for an impressionable young dragon like me to find, Twilight,” I explained with a checkmate sneer.
I had her and she knew it. She coughed furiously and hid the book behind her wing. “I... well... you really shouldn’t go through my things, Spike!”
I crossed my arms and looked at her. We’d had this conversation before. “An unlocked drawer in a common area of the house. Not snooping. Unless you want to pony up to invading my privacy and reading my letter to Rarity that I stashed on a shelf in the back.”
She blushed, then glared at me. “You... you...” she sighed, defeated. “Fine. Just... go outside. I’ll come up with a letter to the Princess myself. And don’t forget, today’s the day we have lunch with the girls!”
I waved at her as I walked out the door. “Yeah, yeah,” I grumbled, really not wanting to deal with this any more.
-------
At least, I’d wanted to sound grumpy when I left. By the time I’d gotten halfway to Sweet Apple Acres I was grinning like a fool. “Crisis averted,” I told myself. “Spike, you are the man.”
“Spike!” a voice called out from behind me. “Wait up!” I turned around, and saw Time Turner running at me. He looked panicked.
I waited for him to catch up. “What’s going on, dude?” I asked as he caught his breath.
He stopped for a moment to breathe, then explained. “We may have a problem. I had a... dream last night.”
Uh oh. “It didn’t involve Princess Luna, did it?”
His eyes got wide. “How in Tartarus did you know that?!”
“She visited mine, too. But I wouldn’t worry. Princess Celestia already sent Twilight a letter...” I explained the contents of the letter and the Princess’s complaints. “So unless Princess Luna’s also caught the meme I’m pretty sure we’re fine. And I’d probably have read something like that in the letter if she had. Come on, let’s go talk to the guys, see if they’ve got anything to say about it.”
Time Turner nodded his head. “Right. You’re right! There’s brain power in numbers. We can figure this out.”
I shook my head as we walked. Time Turner was not only the most observant, but the most chronically neurotic, stallion in Ponyville. He could give some of the girls a run for their money. Maybe even Twilight.
Hey, Twilight.... “Oh Time Turner?”
He glanced over at me. “What?”
“What do you think of Twilight?”
---------
Princess Luna had had a very rough evening. So much so that she had gotten little to no sleep during the day. In fact, it was noon and she was wide awake. Now, it wasn’t that she was opposed to the sun, in fact, she was rather proud of her sister’s crowning achievement. She just wish she didn’t have to be near it so much.
Which, of course, was probably why she was sitting in a small room in the middle of the castle far removed from natural light. Even the sunlight pouring through her bedroom windows was pissing her off, now. She sprawled herself across a couch, tossing and turning, trying to get back to sleep. She’d calmed down a bit from the ‘Naked truth’ she’d dealt with all last night, but it still dug at her a little bit.
“Oh, this is no good. I cannot get my mind out of the proverbial gutter. What is WRONG with me?!” she cried out to nopony in particular. She was about to continue her monologue when she was distracted by loud giggling and crashing about right outside the door. She had a moment to remember she hadn’t locked it when it flew open, and two ponies stumbled through it, falling onto each other on the floor.
The first thing she noticed was that they were in clothes. More specifically, Wonderbolt uniforms. She even recognized them. “Miss Spitfire? Mister Soarin?” she called out inquisitively.
They jumped up like they’d heard a gunshot. “What, what, what?!” Soarin called out, looking around. His eyes finally settled on the Princess. “Wh-Princess Luna! You’re here! Why are you here?! Not that you’re not allowed to be here oh my this isn’t what it looks like I don’t even know this mare wait that came out wrong-” he was stopped mid-rant by a hoof across the back of his head.
A mildly irate looking Spitfire glared at her companion before turning her attention to the Princess. “Princess Luna, I do apologize for interrupting... whatever it is you were doing here. We’ll leave you alone, if you wish.”
Luna thought about that, then shook her head. “Why bother? I am not getting any rest any time soon. I came here to sleep because it is the only room with a couch without sunlight in it that I could find, and I am exhausted.”
Soarin, having come to his senses, asked politely, “Bad night?”
“You do not know the half of it. On a... mildly related note,” she added, staring at the two in their Wonderbolt uniforms. “Let me ask, why do you wear those?” She pointed a hoof at Spitfire’s outfit.
“Wind resistance,” she said simply. “It’s sleeker than any coat, allows freedom of movement, and protection against the cold at high altitude.”
Luna nodded. “That all seems rather practical. But why do you wear them outside of practice and performances?”
The reaction wasn’t what she expected. Spitfire glanced off to the side with a slight blush, and Soarin turned bright red. “Well, that’s... um... hard to explain-” he started.
“It’s sexy,” Spitfire interrupted. When Luna looked confused, she elaborated: “Not only because they’re form-fitting, which is awesome, but there’s... kind of a hard to explain aspect to it. You know how the majority of society doesn’t wear clothes?”
Luna hung her head. “Yes, painfully aware.”
“Well,” Spitfire continued, “It’s kind of been this unwritten rule amongst Wonderbolts to always wear your uniform. Just in case you’re called out for any reason. A kind of emergency thing. So we always got used to wearing them. Thus, we only take them off when there’s a pertinent need to do so.”
Luna raised her eyebrows. “I am afraid I don’t follow.”
Spitfire blushed. “Yeah, that’s where it gets a little complicated. You see, after having worn clothes for so long, you get used to it. And after a while, you start to associate being nude with... certain activities. Thus, not having them on seems a little... naughty.”
The gears turned in the Princess’s head. Then something clicked. “Oh, yes, I see! You wear them because NOT wearing them implies that you are about to...” and that’s when she noticed the rather disheveled appearance of the two. Spitfire’s uniform was mostly unzipped, and Soarin already had a wing out of his. “Oh, I... you were going to...”
Spitfire nodded. “Yeah...”
Luna blushed, but nodded politely. “Then I shall leave you two alone. Far be it from me to intrude on my subject’s... personal affairs.” She started to trot out of the room, and a thought came to her. “Wait. Clothes. That is it! YES!” She cried, running out of the room at full speed.
Soarin stared after her. “I wonder what that was about...” he trailed off as Spitfire’s hoof rested on his chest.
“Shut up,” she told him, “and take that uniform off.”
--------
“No,” Princess Celestia said patiently. Her sister, Luna, stared up at her pleadingly.
“But I have not even told you my plan, Tia!” she whined.
Celestia nodded her head. “I’m willing to bet it involves ordering all ponies to wear clothes. While I can understand your discomfort, ordering such a large societal change and making it mandatory borders on tyranny. Should the trends change on their own, then maybe, but we cannot...”
Luna shook her head. “No, no, no! Not for all of them, dear sister. ME! I want clothes!”
Celestia was taken aback. “Oh. I... had not expected that.” She mulled it over for a moment. “Yes, I can see how that would curb your anxiety. In fact...” she thought for a moment, glancing over to a certain stained glass window portraying six particular mares. “I may have somepony perfect for the job...”
---------
“For the last time, no, Spike! I’m not sleeping with your boss!” Time Turner huffed, as they made their way onto the farm.
“Oh come on, Turner! You’re like, the only stallion in a bajillion miles smart enough to impress her! And she neeeeeeeds to get out!” I was practically begging. It had sounded like such a good idea. She so needs to get some and get out of my scales.
Time Turner stopped and rounded on me. “We are NOT discussing this further. Now, let’s go find Big Ma-”
“Howdy, y’all!” interrupted a particular farmgirl.We glanced over to see Applejack leaning on a fence. “What brings you here?”
Spike waved. “Oh hey, Applejack. We’re here to talk to Big Mac. He around?”
She shook her head. “Nah, ah ain’t seen him. Ah think he’s in town.” She hopped over the fence, and trotted over. “Did ya need something?”
Time Turner blushed slightly at her proximity, Applejack having trotted rather close. “Um, it’s just that we had a good time talking to him yesterday, and we thought maybe he’d like to hang out today.” I nodded in agreement.
Applejack gave me a look. “How’d that talk go, anyway?” she asked nervously.
I had to think about it. “Oh? Oh! Yeah, it was great. The guys did the best they could, considering they’re not dragons. But I got a bunch of questions answered.” ‘Even if I was the one being asked...’ I thought to myself. Then I had an idea. “Hey, Applejack, could you do me a favor?”
“It’s not... anything related to ‘that’, is it?” she asked.
“What? No, no! You’re fine. I was just wondering if you could knock me down a few apples. I got rushed out of the house this morning and haven’t had a bite to eat,” I explained.
She brightened up, and nodded. “Well, sure, little buddy. One breakfast, coming up!” she trotted happily away to a nearby apple tree.
I leaned on Time Turner’s back, waiting for her to get to work. He gave me a sideways glance. “What are you doing?”
“Just wait for it,” I explained. We watched carefully as Applejack bucked the tree lightly, letting only a few apples fall. Then again, as she used her hind legs to kick them in the air in a show of athletic ability, catching them in the hat she now held in her mouth. I could feel Time Turner twitch uncomfortably at the excellent display of... posterior muscles. “Nothing at all,” I whispered, as she came back. His ears twitched rapidly. Dude should not play poker.
Applejack spilled the apples in front of me. “Here ya go, buddy. Now, sorry to leave you, but I got some work to do. Bye now!” she waved, propping her hat on her head and trotting away.
“Bye!” I waved back, and watched her leave. Ho boy, did I watch her leave. Damn.
Time Turner swallowed hard. Then looked over at me as I picked up an apple, polished it lightly, and bit into it. “So, um... Twilight’s single, is she?”
Time Turner had said something about needing to do some calculations or whatever before he talked to Twilight. I figured that was his way of saying he had absolutely no idea how to talk to her. Which didn’t surprise me. Most stallions I’ve met have very little experience in dealing with mares romantically.
Which might explain all the lesbians.
Anyway, I was headed back to the library, as Caramel and Big Mac were off doing work, when I ran into a familiar face. Literally.
“Ow, dude, watch the corners, little bro!” I looked up from my new found position of looking up at the sky (with a slight headache), to see Vinyl Scratch rubbing her forehead. Thank Luna she didn’t impale me.
“Oh, sorry, Vinyl. What are you doing?” I ask politely. As if I hadn’t been staring avidly at her ass yesterday.
“Not much, O Reptilian One. Just heading down to Rarity’s. Need a new outfit for my gig this weekend.” She looked thoughtful for a moment (which was new for her, I’ll admit), and asked, “Hey, you wanna come with?”
Now, I know by now it’s no secret that I have a huge crush on Rarity. I gave up thinking that was a private thing months ago. But that doesn’t mean I’ll just hop on any opportunity to see her aga-”Hell yeah!” I shouted mid-thought. Huh. Apparently I will.
Vinyl nodded approvingly and walked ahead of me. I have to admit, the view was good. “So I heard down the grapevine that Twilight chewed you out some this morning, huh? Something about a naughty dream...” she dragged the last couple of words out and shook her waist teasingly.
Penis-ninjas: 1. Public indecency: 0.
“Yeah, but she shut up about it when I mentioned a certain book she’d left lying around. Pretty sure the Princess didn’t ask her to study THAT,” I explained, moving to catch up with her and walk side by side. Can’t be too careful.
She laughed at that. “Ha! I always figured she was some kind of closet pervert. She really needs to get out or something. Hey! Maybe I should drag her to the gig thingy later!”
I shook my head. “I’d hold off. She’s still dealing with the whole being a Princess thing. And by that I mean she’d ask everypony in the club to bow or something. It’s kind of a pain in the scales. Besides, I’m working on a little something for her. I know a guy.”
Vinyl nodded sagely. “Oh, yeah. That could be a major party killer. Wouldn’t want that. Well, if you say you got something lined up, I’ll trust ya, little scaly dude. Anyway, we’re here,” she added, pointing a hoof at Carousel Boutique.
“Oh, hey, look at that,” I noted, and knocked on the door.
“Coming~” said Rarity. Ho man, I loved that voice. The door squeaked open, and the little bell rang, and there she stood: Rarity. Best mare ever.
No, seriously. I’ve met the Wonderbolts and the Princesses and pretty much everypony in Ponyville. Rarity’s IT, man. “Hey Rarity!” I waved.
Vinyl followed suit. “Hey, what’s up, Rara? Got some time for a new order?”
Rarity’s absolute loathing of the nickname was overridden by somepony wanting to pay her money to make clothes. It’s like if somepony asked me to eat a bucket of chocolate ice cream for 100 bits. So not fair. “Why of course, darling!” She exclaimed, her eyebrow twitching regardless. Not everypony can deal with everypony here. There are always... clashes.
Namely, the raver pony spawn of a glowstick factory and a sugar addict, and the creature descended from the heavens to make my life significantly more awesome than it already was.
Rarity turned around to walk back into the shop, and I was briefly reminded of the last couple days’ events. Like I’d forgotten. But along with the fresh reminder of the constant presence of glorious pony ass all around me, I was hit anew with a crisp, shining realization.
Rarity was naked.
I swear to you, I’d never wanted to bow and pray to Celestia in gratitude more than that moment. The beautiful dawning of epiphany that my crush wasn’t wearing a damn thing save for some hair ornaments was quite possibly the crowning moment of my life. And thank the stars everypony knew about my crush already, cause I was just kind of standing there blushing like a fool. “Spikey-wikey, don’t get all embarrassed. I know watching a pony get fitted for a new outfit is a little... intimate, but you’re always welcome here. I could use the help, anyway!” she said cheerfully.
Wait, she thought I was blushing cause she was gonna start making Vinyl’s outfit? A snicker to my left and a brief brush of Vinyl’s tail against my scales told me yes, that’s exactly what they thought.
Damn, I’m good.
I followed the two into the parlor, and started fetching things for Rarity as she asked for them, while Vinyl started posing in front of the mirror.
I love mirrors, now.
---------
Dear Miss Rarity,
Certain... events in the castle have led me to the conclusion that I require a new wardrobe. Something conservative, yet regal. My sister has informed me that you are a well-known and accomplished designer and seamstress, and come with Princess Twilight Sparkle’s recommendation.
As such, I would like to employ your services in helping me construct an entire new wardrobe from scratch. I am willing to pay handsomely for your work, as I have seen it firsthand at my niece Princess Cadence’s wedding, and am confident in its quality.
Please respond at your earliest convenience, and we shall establish a date and time for me to visit your boutique to begin work immediately.
Respectfully,
Princess Luna
Luna looked over the letter a few times, having made changes here and there, doing her best to leave out her personal conflicts with public nudity. Finally satisfied that the letter conveyed her intent and employed proper etiquette, she sealed it up, and trotted off to her sister’s room.
“Tia!” she called as she knocked. It was some time after noon, and she knew her sister to be taking personal letters at this time.
A soft tapping of hooves indicated her sister’s approach to the door, followed quickly by it opening. “Yes, sister?” Celestia said pleasantly. She smiled at the look on her younger sister’s face, one of accomplishment and joy.
“My letter is done. I believe you have a more... expedient way of sending it than the Royal post?” Luna asked with large, pleading eyes.
Celestia laughed softly, taking her letter in her magical grip. “Yes, I do. Just a moment.” Her face tightened slightly in concentration, and the letter burst into flames. She had to keep herself from laughing at Luna’s shocked expression. “Relax, sister, I didn’t destroy it. You remember dragon post, do you not?”
Luna’s eyes lit up in recognition. “Oh, yes! Twilight Sparkle has a baby dragon living with her, I’d forgotten! Well, not that I’d forgotten the dragon, but I’d forgotten the post. So it’s on its way?”
Celestia nodded. “It’s probably already there.”
----------
Let me tell you something. I HATE getting mail. Sending it is cool. I get to light stuff on fire. But receiving it? Have you ever belched fire before? It hurts. And it’s loud and kind of rude. But I was used to it, and soon I caught the letter and gave it a quick look.
And that’s when I saw Luna’s seal. Oh, boy. I turned it over to look at the address, and saw that, for some reason, it was addressed to Rarity.
“Hey, dude, if you’re gonna vomit paper, can you do that in the trash?” Vinyl called from the elevated platform Rarity was currently taking her measurements on. “You almost set me on fire. Not that I’ve never been on fire, but still. Dude.”
Rarity waved a hoof in dismissal. “Oh, it’s just a letter from the Princess. Probably for Twilight. Why don’t you go deliver it, sweetie? I’m all good here.”
“Actually,” I said in amazement, “It’s for you. From... Princess Luna.”
Both white unicorns turned to look at me. Not for the first time I wondered if they were related. “What.” Rarity said simply. Then she bum rushed me. I threw the letter in the air to keep from getting trampled, and she caught it with her magic. I think she read the thing like, four times.
“P-p-puh-puh-Princess L-l-luna wants me to what?!” Uh-oh. Please don’t be my fault please don’t be my fault please don’t be my fault.
The next instant, Rarity had me in a big bearhug. Ok, so far so good. “Oh, Spikey, did you SEE this?! She wants me to make her a whole WARDROBE!” She shoved the letter in my face, and I read it. Twice.
So, Princess Luna’s response to my ‘dream conversation’ was to just order clothes? That sounded... actually rather rational and appropriate.
I could deal with... wait. Did that letter say she was coming HERE?!
“Son of a-”
“SPIKE!”
-------
Time Turner walked back and forth in front of the door to the library for what must have been a good five minutes before knocking.
Actually, it was four minutes 58.37 seconds. He was good at this kind of thing.
“Just a second!” said a gentle, female voice from the other side. Turner trotted nervously in place, debating whether or not to just run away now.
‘No. That would be very ungentlecoltly. Bad Time Turner.’
The door creaked open, and there stood Twilight Sparkle. Her Royal Highness Princess Twilight Sparkle. Time Turner almost turned and ran away right then. But to his merit, he stood his ground.”Oh, hello, Time Turner. Can I help you?”
“Uh, hi! I was... well I was walking by and, well more like trotting really. I do kind of miss walking. But that’s another story oh dear I’m rambling again aren’t I?” To say nothing of maintaining his composure, that is.
“Um, Turner? Are you ok?” Twilight asked, her head tilted in concern.
He stopped, took a breath as if he were diving into a pool, and decided to rip the bandage off. “Will you go out with me tomorrow night?!” He all but yelled at her, staring at the floor out of lack of nerves.
At first, there was silence. The kind of uncomfortable silence you get when you’re just waiting for a question to be answered. Then, Time Turner became aware of a low whining noise. Like a tea kettle just starting to boil. He looked up, and saw the absolute last thing he expected.
Twilight Sparkle shaking in barely contained excitement, a big grin plastered on her face.
The next thing he was aware of was getting hugged, followed by a large stream of “Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes....”
Time Turner looked down at the Alicorn Princess currently wrapped around his neck, and sighed. “Ho boy.”
Sometimes, being a fucking kid sucks. This is not cool. I’m a MAN. I’m a DRAGON. I’m a Celestia-damned PENIS NINJA.
Time out is such bullshit. “I still don’t understand why I have to sit in the corner!” I called out from the back room. Being shut away from glorious pony ass was bad enough, but putting my nose in a corner? Fuck.
“Once you’ve learned some proper manners, Spikey, you can come back out. In the meantime, I’m going to get Vinyl’s outfit ready. Now just be patient, I’m almost done with this last bit of leather...” she trailed off, and I could hear her grunting in concentration.
Wait, leather? Come on!
Well, with nothing else to do, I mused on what exactly I would do if Princess Luna approached me about the dream I had. I assumed that’s why she wanted clothes, especially so much of it. So I figured maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Like, no national mandate on having to wear clothes at all times.
Which, given some of the outfits I’d seen some ponies wear, wouldn’t be a horrible thing. But still, I had priorities now. Gotta protect the freedom of flank.
‘Ok, think. If she’s coming here for a wardrobe change, then you’re bound to run into her. She’s probably going to show up at night. But wait, why did she send that letter during the day? Well, I got it via FPS, so most likely Princess Celestia sent it. Which means Luna probably had her send it later on. That makes sense. But if she’s here, that means she might talk to the guys, too. I gotta talk to them first, that’s for sure. Ok, that’s gotta be my first stop once I get out of here.’
“Spiiike~” Rarity called. I jumped up and ran out of the room, out into the foyer. And screeched to a halt. Vinyl was done with her outfit.
So, here’s the thing about Rarity: she can make dresses and all that fancy stuff in pretty much a day, but if your outfit is something deceptively simple, like say, spats and a halter with specialized hair ties? I have no idea how she does it, but it takes, like, an hour. Which tells me two things; One, she has a lot of practice making fetish gear. Two, this is AMAZING.
Vinyl’s outfit, like I mentioned, was a set of rather flattering black spats with some very distracting patterns sown into the flanks, and a leather halter (which I never understood why ponies wore anything over their chest aside from armor) with some glowsticks or something similar sewn into the edges. Looking closer, I saw similar lighting effects sown into her shorts. She looked kind of like a neon sign with great curves. Wait a minute...
“Vinyl, you aren’t doing a set with Neon Lights this weekend, are you?” I asked in what I assumed was my best innocent voice.
She stopped looking herself over in the mirror long enough to give me a response. “Huh? Oh, yeah. That obvious, huh?” I swear, I saw her blush. “I was hoping maybe it would get his attention.”
Rarity gave her a reassuring smile. “Of course it will. He’ll love it, my dear. Right, Spikey-Wikey?”
Remember when I told you a while back I never learned my lesson? Yeah. “Vinyl, any stallion that doesn’t pay attention to you in that outfit is a freakin’ retard.”
“SPIKE!” Rarity yelled, again. Way to lose points, bro.
But Vinyl just laughed. “Aww, yeah! That’s what I wanna hear! Thanks, Rarity!” She fished about her person for a bag of bits, which I swear she wasn’t carrying with her when she came in, and dropped a bunch onto a nearby counter. She and Rarity haggled price for a bit, then, once both were satisfied, Vinyl walked out.
Rarity stopped with the customer service face and gave me a disapproving look. “Spike, what is the matter with you today? Such foul language.”
“Sorry, Rarity. Twilight woke me up super early with some bul- some business involving a letter from the Princess. I didn’t get a lot of sleep and I started my day having a fight. So, not in the best mood right now,” that last bit was a bit of bullshit, but it worked. She looked a little less upset and more concerned.
“Well, I can understand not being in a good mood, certainly. But you must learn not to take it out on others. Now, as much as I love having my widdle assistant Spikey-Wikey~” she cooed, nuzzling my neck. I could feel a blush and a boner at the same time. A bosh? Nah. Bloner. I had a bloner. “As much as I like having you around, Spike, I have a massive order to start working on, and I need to start writing the Princess immediately.” I opened my mouth to offer some help, but she shushed me. “And before you ask, I need to write all this out in private. There may be some... details that she may need to share that I can’t let other ponies -or dragons- be privy to. Now away with you. And thanks for your help.” She added nicely, shooing me out of her shop.
I stood outside the boutique for a moment longer after the door closed behind me, thinking about what to do next. I should probably head to the orchard and see if Caramel or Big Mac were around. They needed to be forewarned.
I wasn’t even out of town before I found them, though. They were heading back to the orchard with a large empty cart. Apparently they’d been selling all day. “Hey, Big Mac! Caramel!” I called out. They stopped, and turned around to see me walking towards them. Uneasy looks crossed their faces as I got closer. “Look, dudes. We need to talk. Big news.”
Caramel turned and smiled politely. “Hey, um, Spike. What’s up?”
I looked from his polite, uneasy smile to Big Mac, who was just giving me a stoic expression. “Ok, what?”
Caramel smile wider, obviously uneasy. “What do you mean, ‘what’?”
“I mean, what? What happened? Something happened, right? Out with it,” something was obviously off.
Caramel kept giving me that stupid smile, but Big Mac just sighed. “Listen, little guy. We’ve been... talking. As fine as it is that you’re... growing up, we’ve been thinking you might need to find something better to do with your time than just hang around and talk about flanks all day.”
My mouth hung open in surprise. Not because of what he said, but because it was the most I can remember him saying. Ever. At least, to me. Then I got over it. “Wait, that’s it? Ok.”
Caramel and Big Mac looked at each other, a little surprised. Caramel was the first to recover. “Wait, so you’re ok with this? I mean, we don’t mind having you around and all, but lately all you’ve done is talk about-”
“No, it’s cool, I get it. Topic’s worn out. Move on, all that jazz. I mean, I’m not giving up on enjoying the whole thing, but if you wanna talk about something else, I’m good. Maybe we could talk about how Princess Luna is coming to Ponyville, and she’s been in both mine and Time Turner’s dreams last night?” I talked as calmly as I could, and waited for the gravity of the issue to sink in.
It looked like it hit them both at the same time. Big Mac’s mouth went slack, his trademark sprig of wheat falling out of his mouth, and Caramel had the expression one so rarely encounters in everyday life of ‘I just got told the Princess is coming to town and she knows my deepest secret.’
It was kind of funny. I’d have a hard time recreating it.
“Are you sure?” Caramel asked, looking slightly pale.
“I read the letter myself. Now, I don’t think there’s a whole lot we can do about this, but I thought you ought to know. I’m going to find Time Turner and see what’s up with him. Hopefully I can get to him before she gets here. I have absolutely no idea when she’s getting here. Rarity’s writing her right now,” I explained, and walked off.
I left the two conversing quietly amongst themselves, and I heard them start trotting in the direction of the Apple farm as I walked on. It was getting late, I noticed, and I was getting tired. I came up to the library before I remembered I’d meant to stop by Time Turner’s house, but, as the note on the door informed me, that would have been a waste of time.
Dear Spike,
I won’t be back till late tonight, as I am currently on a date with Time Turner. Yes, you read that correctly. Please don’t eat all of the ice cream, and try to keep the place clean. If you’re not in bed by the time I get back I’ll make you stay up all night writing sentences.
Love,
Twilight
“So he actually did it, huh? Neat.” Then I realized I wouldn’t be able to talk to Turner until tomorrow. “Aw, crap. Well, it’s not like she’s on her way here right now.”
-------
Princess Luna looked down over her letter to Rarity, and the one she’d just received from said unicorn. They’d agreed that getting started as soon as possible was the best option, and that Rarity would take measurements when she got there. She glanced over her shoulder at the two guards who’d ‘volunteered’ to accompany her to Ponyville. The bat pony mare and unicorn stallion from this morning had been the only ponies willing to go near the town after the recent chain of absolutely crazy events that had occurred over the last few years. Ever since Twilight Sparkle had relocated, the entire place had gone insane.
It was a running joke amongst the guard that the most effective disciplinary center they could ever fashion was a guard station between the town and the Everfree Forest.
Then someone wrote the proposal. Now it was every guard pony’s motivation to perform well enough to NOT get sent there.
Luna mused over what to take with her. She didn’t have a great deal of clothes, a matter she was trying to rectify, but wanted to make sure to take enough luggage to bring all her new clothes back. “What do you think, Eve? Should I take the lighter case? Or the armored one?”
Eve, the bat pony mare who had, by now, proven to be rather snarky and sadistic when it involved her unicorn partner, grinned and offered helpfully, “I’d suggest the armored one. You can never be to careful, and ol’ Muster here can carry the weight around just fine.”
Muster glowered at his bat companion. “Oh, sure, land all of it on me, why don’t you. Princess, just take whatever you’re comfortable with. I’m pretty sure nopony’s going to judge you on your taste in bags.”
Luna nodded approvingly. “Very good! Armored it is." She flung the case at Muster, who wasn’t quite fast enough.
“Oof!” he cried, as Eve fell over laughing.
Luna winced and tilted her head in concern. “Oh, dear. I hope that’s not a sign of things to come...”
Time Turner’s eye twitched ever so slightly at the building in front of him. Not so much the fact that it existed, as it was that he’d never ever seen it before. That, and Twilight Sparkle had brought him here.
“Um, since when does Ponyville have a, well, what did you call it?” he asked calmly, making an attempt to sound more conversational than completely confused and mildly affronted.
She seemed not to notice. “It’s called a poetry cafe. They were very popular about ten or so years ago, but have since dwindled off. I was surprised to find one myself, actually. And very excited!” she added with a little skip in place.
“Oh, really?” Turner asked. He was starting to regret asking the alicorn to choose where they went on their date. In all honesty he’d asked her where she wanted to go, because he had about as much experience with actual dating as he thought she did. He’d also been under the (as of now incorrect) assumption that she’d choose something like a concert hall, or a high-profile club, as spike had given him the impression she liked to show off her new status as royalty.
They trotted in, Twilight skipping happily, and Time Turner trailing just slowly enough behind her that they didn’t quite enter at the same time. He hoped.
-------
Muster glared over to Eve from across the aisle. They’d opted to take a train to Ponyville, as one was leaving shortly, and Princess Luna had been taking every opportunity as of late to indulge in all the advances of technology since her banishment. He got the impression she just really really liked trains.
Of course, this had nothing to do with the actual glare. Nor did the armored luggage incident, as he was now calling it. Said luggage was currently out of pony-crushing reach, stowed away in a safe rack elsewhere in the private car.
Luna was still royalty, after all. The three of them were the only ones in this particular (and mildly sparkly) train car.
No, Muster’s glare was something entirely new. Cast over a hooffull of cards, he analyzed and scrutinized his opponent as she waved her hand of cards back and forth, teasingly, tauntingly. And he hated it.
He also hated Old Mare, but that’s what they’d all decided on. They couldn’t play Poker, nooooo. He was good at Poker.
He reached out tentatively, his hoof teasing the air above Eve’s hoof of cards, as she moved them about, ever so slightly, just to fuck with him. She’d pay for it later.
But for now, he realized with a sigh, he was stuck with the Old Mare. And a smirking Eve who, he had to admit, would probably be an even match for him had they been playing poker. Thank, well, the alicorn in the room that they hadn’t been betting on anything.
A few goes aroud the table later, and Eve had won, much to Muster’s chagrin.
Luna, however, seemed delighted just to be playing, and acting, well, like everypony else. It was an untold truth and somewhat of a secret throughout the Lunar Guard that, while Luna enjoyed being a Princess, and loved her subjects and family deeply, she had always wanted a chance to be just a normal pony like everypony else. The problem being that, even if she was put into a situation where she had the opportunity to mingle or socialize or just ‘hang out’, the princess of the night wasn’t exactly normal.
Hence the whole going to Ponyville for clothes thing. “Excellent, well done Eve,” Luna praised. She glanced about the car as she did so, seemingly looking for the next possible source of amusement. Her eyes stopped briefly on a selection of games and cards, then moved along.
“Well, we could always just... talk,” Muster suggested. A quick glare from Eve made him regret the suggestion almost immediately, though, as he turned his eyes towards the Princess. Her expression was, if not sad, less enthusiastic.
“We... I... apologize. We are not so great at... conversation,” Luna explained.
Had Muster thought about it he’d have smacked himself. Of course she was uneasy on the subject. Nearly everypony in the castle knew about Luna’s lack of conversational skills or confidence. Almost all of the talking she’d done was at ponies, not with them.
The white unicorn would not be so easily dissuaded, however. “Well, that’s what we’re here for. If you feel like you need... practice, we’d be more than happy to help,” he offered, looping an arm around his bat compatriot, and pulling her in for a hug of the camaraderie persuasion. He could feel her hissing ever so quietly through her armor, but ignored it. Mostly.
Luna, however, seemed overjoyed at the concept. “Yes, yes! Practice! That is what we need! Thank you, dear Muster!”
Eve growled at him. “Yes, thanks, Mustard,” she hissed, barely loud enough for him to hear.
They’d both be paying for their transgressions later, it seemed.
---------
Time Turner was at a complete loss of what to do. He’d never dealt with a crying mare before. Let alone one under such... unique circumstances.
“They said I was too... too... mainstream!” Twilight wailed, all but soaking Turner’s coat.
The two of them sat at a park bench, with Twilight crying in Turner’s arms, the latter sporting a rather concerned and somewhat embarrassed expression. They were getting looks. “Oh,” he said, hopefully soothingly, “I’m sure they just don’t know how to deal with royalty.” He winced at the weak excuse for comfort he was offering her.
“They-they said I was too-too-too popular to be cool!” she burst into a renewed series of sobs after her outburst, and Turner was convinced that he may even need to replace his coat. It was quite a shame. He was rather attached to it.
“Well, I still think you’re cool,” he offered. Her sobs died down a little bit, as she looked up at him.
“Really?” she sniffed, gazing up at him with hope in her eyes.
I’m about to say the cheesiest thing in my entire life. Pray I am not devoured by giant mice.. “Hey, come on. I liked you before it was cool.” Had she not been staring straight at him he would have flinched himself off the bench.
Of course, he didn’t stay on the bench for long, as Twilight leapt up and kissed him, tumbling them down off the bench, onto the grass.
I swear to Luna if being cheesy gets me laid I’m changing my name to Fondue.
--------
“And that is why I am going to go get new clothes from Miss Rarity,” Luna finished.
Eve and Muster exchanged glances. The bat, one of abject horror. The Unicorn, one of absolute glee. Well, the guard equivalent, anyway. In reality, their expressions were stoic, measured, and practiced walls of non-emotion. But each could tell what the other was thinking.
Oh my god I’m naked I’m unclean somepony get me soap and disinfectant don’t look at me I’M HIDEOUS! Had the Princess not been present, Eve would have been screaming.
Naked naked naked NAKED naked naked naked Naked naked naked naked. Muster, on the other hand, would have been dancing.
You’re a horrible pervert and you should feel awful! Don’t look at meeeee!
Yeah? Well you’re NAKED.
Wretch! Scoundrel! Manslut! Deviant!
Naaaaaakeeeeeeeeeed.
Eve broke first. “Your... uh... Your Highness?”
Luna, having been completely unaware of the internal monologue, tilted her head in curiosity. “Hmm?”
“Would there be a chance I could maybe get some clothes for myself?” she asked, as politely as she could.
Luna thought about it. “Well, I am not sure if Rarity would be able to do so many custom orders all at once, but I am sure she has some pre-made outfits. Or perhaps there is more than one clothing store in Ponyville.”
Eve sighed visibly in relief, breaking character for a moment. “Thank goodness.”
Luna raised an eyebrow for a moment, then, as realization sank in, she nodded consolingly. “It is a rather distressing thought, isn’t it?”
Eve shuddered. “I’d never... well... yes. It is.” Eve stole a glance back over to her partner.
I woke up that morning, aware of a few different things. One, was that it was much later than I usually got up. Two, I wasn’t getting screeched at.
Where the fuck was Twilight?
I mean, I like her just fine, and most of the time she’s not annoying, but if I’m allowed to sleep in and wake up on my own time, something’s wrong. So I looked about the library for her. She wasn’t in bed.
She wasn’t downstairs studying or passed out over a book.
She wasn’t in the kitchen. Although for some reason I really wanted a sandwich right now.
Thus, I could conclude, she wasn’t home. But I did check the basement lab, just to be safe. Nothing new in there, thank Celestia.
Then my eyes were drawn to the note on the table I’d left there last night. The one about the date with Time Turner.
“Awww, yeah. Dude,” I cheered for the stallion who wasn’t there. “This day is going to be great.”
Then, a knock on the door. I went to answer it, because that’s what I usually do anyway, and was surprised at who I saw standing there.
Not Twilight.
Not any of the girls.
But a guard. And not just a guard. A member of Luna’s private protection unit. A Lunar Guard. Probably high ranking, and built more like a weapon than a pony. “Um, yes?” I asked quietly.
“Are you Spike.” It was more a demand then a question.
“Y-yes?” I stammered. Dude, what did I do?
All of a sudden, he’s hugging me. “Thank you thank you thank you,” he repeated, all but crushing the wind out of my lungs. Then he trotted off.
I could have sworn I heard him mumbling “Naked naked naked naked...”
Now, having a member of the Lunar Guard bear hug you isn’t something you expect to wake up to everyday. Or really, any day. Ever. But this told me three important things: one, this idea of mine is spreading. Fast. Especially if ponies in the castle now know about it.
Two, Luna’s here.
Three, son of a bitch the Princess of the Night is in Ponyville god-dammit.
Ok, ok, no time to panic. You’ve already warned the guys she’s coming. And they’ve probably told a bunch of other ponies. Plus she has like, a Royal Procession, right? No way somepony’s going to get caught off guard. Anyway, I’ve got more important things to do.
Like cleaning, unfortunately. While I may be a manly penis-ninja from the lands of Bareassia, somebody’s got to make sure the library doesn’t turn into a fire hazard. Again.
Oh, believe me, it’s happened before. There’s nothing like consoling a bookworm who’s collection is now a pile of pretty lights and smoke inhalation. Mmm, smoke inhalation.
While thinking about whether or not it would be worth my time to light a bonfire in the street, since we don’t have a backyard because we live in a house in the middle of the street (don’t even get me started), I put up some of the books that have been left out, leaving the ones that look like Twilight’s been using them for active research, and stow away loose materials, take out trash, and the like. It’s something to do, if nothing else.
I keep to my tasks for a couple of hours, and am just about finished when there’s another knock on the door.
My first thought is that it’s Twilight, having locker herself out again, but now she just teleports wherever she wants to go. Maybe it’s another guard or something.
And once again, I’m completely wrong.
“Um, Your Highness?”
--------
Muster was thoroughly enjoying his day. Everywhere he looked, mares were naked. He would go about his appointed tasks, and there they would be. Naked mares. It was like waking up to find you weren’t dreaming at all. A glorious, glorious day. His Princess allowed him a brief moment to say hello to “a friend in town”, but for the most part he spent the day by her side, being guardly and intimidating.
It was no small grace that he had been well trained to hide his emotions, lest somepony try and distract him whilst he be on guard duty. He could stare out openly into female-heavy crowds of ponies and revel in his new found appreciation for standard clothing conventions. I.e., naked.
Every once in a while, while she was in the presence of an Element, Luna would allow either Muster or Eve to run off for a moment and see the sights or do something fun. Muster spent his free time just strolling around town. It was rare that he actually spend any time mingling with non-guard ponies. Between his duties and the barracks, and his friends from his graduating academy class, he really didn’t do much to socialize.
So he took the opportunity to strike up a conversation with a few different ponies, including this one rather entertaining mare with a lazy eye who delivered the mail. At least, that’s what she said she was doing. With her head in a tree.
He came upon this mare by chance while walking through a side street, looking for something unconventional to eat. Luna had let him go out wandering while Eve stayed with the princess, as they were headed to Rarity’s, and she did not want a male guard present while she was being “measured”.
He was just turning a corner when he heard the rather distinct sounds of a pony struggling with something heavy. Casting his well-trained gaze about, his eyes settled immediately on what could only be the source of the noise.
Ok, the fact that it was where the noise was coming from was a total coincidence. He started staring because there was a shapely grey mare shaking her ass in the air with her head stuck in the hole of a tree. To anypony else, she was obviously trying to break free of the tree. To Muster, she was probably doing the same thing, but naked. “Would you like some help, miss?” He called into the tree trunk, after taking a moment to admire the scenery.
The scenery would be the swaying pony ass, by the way.
“Oh, yes please!” She called out from within the hollow. “I’m stuck!”
Being a gentlecolt of every fashion, form, and training, he diligently wrapped his hooves around her waist, and pulled heartily. It took a few tugs, but eventually, with a rather loud pop, she broke free. Of course, in true and predictable form, they both tumbled flank over teakettle and landed in a big tangled mess in the middle of the street.
They took a moment to extricate themselves, at which point Muster stood to attention like a proper guard, while the grey mare brushed herself off. She looked up to the pegasus guard and smiled brightly, her eyes slightly out of focus with the world. “Oh, thanks, sir!” she cried happily. Her voice had a light, boyish tone to it, something Muster found almost endearing.
“So how, if you don’t mind me asking, did you get stuck in the tree?” he asked, trying to maintain polite conversation.
She smiled weakly, blushing and not meeting his gaze. Kind of. “Well, you see, I have this thing with my eyes, where one of them will go out of focus at a moment’s notice. It kinda slides off to the side or does it’s own thing, and if that happens when I’m flying, then down I go. Lucky I landed in a tree with a nest in it. I’ve landed in houses before, and it’s not very much fun.”
He thought this over partly considering offering some kind of advice, which was the polite thing to do, and partly because he was trying to fully understand what she said. Once he’d wrapped his head around the explanation, and realized he knew absolutely nothing about optometry, he simply nodded and said, “Well, I’m glad I was able to help. What’s your name?”
“My name’s Ditzy Doo, but my friends call me Derpy. What’s yours?” she asked, holding out a hoof to shake.
He took it. “My name’s Muster. I’m here as part of Princess Luna’s private entourage. She’s here on a personal visit,” he explained. He’d been ordered earlier not to disclose the need for clothes both mares shared.
Derpy flapped her wings excitedly, lifting slightly off the ground. “Ooh, I really like her! She’s the best at spider-toss!” and she went on to explain all that she had seen of the princess during the last Nightmare Night festival.
Muster listened interestedly as she went on, and when she finished, he nodded again, with a smile. “Yes, the Princess recalls that night fondly. Listen, I’d love to keep talking, but I am starving. Is there someplace I could, or maybe we could, go for some food?”
Derpy’s eyes lit up as she smiled, an expression that Muster noted suited her rather well. “Oh, yes! I know just the place!”
“Then please, lead on.”
--------
Princess Luna and Eve approached the boutique with a mixed sense of apprehension, relief, and urgency. Both felt the need to put something on right now, but were trained in patience and tact. At least, until they got to the door.
Eve’s loud knocking was immediately greeted by a light, feminine voice shouting, “Coming!” from somewhere in the building. Soon after, the bell above the shop door rang, as Rarity stepped outside.
Or, at least, started to. Once she saw who was waiting for her, she froze in her tracks. “P-p-Princess Luna! Your majesty!” she cried out, bowing deeply. “It’s an honor to meet you in pony at last!”
Princess Luna smiled graciously. Yes, the two mares had been in the same room, but most if not all of Luna’s interaction with the Element bearers had been with, well, everypony BUT Rarity. Even during Royal events they did not speak more than a courteous greeting to each other. “It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Rarity. Twilight speaks highly of your abilities as a designer and seamstress, as does my sister. It is on her recommendation that I am here.”
If Rarity had been a bomb, she’d have gone off. “Princess Celestia recommended me personally!” this statement was followed by a girlish shriek that nearly bowled Eve over. It was actually in standing herself up again did Rarity notice her. “Oh, dear, I’m very sorry. I tend to lose myself in the moment sometimes, I hope you understand.”
Eve nodded, adjusting her hair from it’s currently “blown back in completely the opposite direction by wind shear” look. “It’s ok. Listen, I heard you make clothes? Do you have something that might fit a pegasus mare about my build?”
Rarity looked curiously over to the Princess, who nodded, then returned her attention to the Lunar Guard. “Of course, darling. It would be a pleasure. Let me show you both what I have, and if you’d like something more tailored, I’d be happy to make some arrangements. Your highness,” she added, turning to face Luna, “I’d like to get some measurements done as soon as possible. Perhaps you, miss,” she gestured to Eve, “can have a look around while we are working?”
Eve nodded, satisfied with this answer.
Luna also seemed to appreciate this approach. “Yes, and once we are done, I’d like you to direct me to the one named Spike. I would like to have a word with him.”
---------
Now, I’ve dealt with a lot of different things in my life. Growing up, growing down, getting bitten, scratched, dropped, beaten, torched, and a variety of other things that make me very happy every day that I have scales and a dragon’s hide. I’ve helped fight changelings, demonic stallion kings, Chaos Gods, and maniacal rulers of legend.
This doesn’t mean I wasn’t terrified half the time. There’s a fine line between facing down a tangible threat to Equestria and the stuff nightmares are made of. Especially since most of the time they often seem to be one and the same.
But nothing, and I mean nothing, is really the same as having a rather angry princess (and not the one you live with) stare you down in your own doorway. “Um, Your Highness? Is there something I can help you with?”
“Oh, you know exactly why I’m here, Spike,” growled Cadence.
Muster’s first thought was that Ditzy had some kind of favorite coffee shop, bakery, or restaurant that she frequented. It would not surprise him: most of his friends had frequents hangouts that they would brag about and drag their friends or relatives to at any given opportunity. It wasn’t uncommon for him to eat somewhere new every night in a place like Canterlot if he just asked a friend where there favorite eatery was.
So when he first came to the small two-story house, he assumed it to be some kind of mom-and-pop store. A small little hideaway restaurant, or a family-owned business where the owners slept upstairs. Well, the owners, in fact, did sleep upstairs, so he was confident in his ability to be right about one thing.
The rest, however? No. No, no, no.
This small thatched-roof home was in fact the residence of a one Ditzy Do. The self-proclaimed best muffin artisan in Ponyville. While he wasn’t about to go arguing with her reputation, he did find it odd that a pegasus he’d must met had invited him into her home. A pegasus mare, on top of that. “So, do you always bake at home? I thought you were a mailmare?”
Ditzy looked over her shoulder from her post in the kitchen. She had gone straight for the oven when they’d arrived, and had instructed Muster to wait patiently at a table in the adjacent dining room. “Of course! Sometimes I even sell my muffins at Sugarcube Corner when I need some extra cash! Being a mailmare pays ok, but I do seem to get a lot of bills from the city about property damage.”
He decided to skirt the obvious question of “why” entirely, instead asking, “So what kind of muffins are you making now?”
Her answer was preceded by her opening the oven door and inhaling deeply, which Muster noticed was accompanied by a rather intriguing back arch. “Chocolate chip cinnamon!” she exclaimed, grabbing some pot holders off of the counter and pulling out the fresh tray of baked goods. Muster could smell them from here, they were indeed heavenly to the nostrils. Although it wasn’t a combination he had tried often before, he was looking forward to it now. “They should be cooled in just a moment. Would you like a drink or something?” she asked, turning to root through her refrigerator. Of course, the fridge was at the far side of the kitchen, granting him a rather pleasing view of her backside while she perused her own stock.
He sighed briefly, then, catching himself before he made a total ass of the situation, responded, “Oh, water should be fine. I try to stay well hydrated on days I’m working.”
She didn’t seem to have heard him at first, spending a few more seconds in the refrigerator. Then, she climbed out, closed the door, and rooted through a nearby cabinet for glasses. “I thought I had some bottled water or something, but I guess tap will have to do. You don’t mind, do you?”
Mmmm, tap. NO. BAD Muster. “Yes, that’s fine. I’d imagine the tap water in such a small town is much cleaner than it would be in Canterlot.” Great idea, Corporal. Talk about tap water. That’ll get you some.
Ditzy poured them both a glass and marched them over the table. On the way, however, he noticed her eye start to wander, and her hoof step just a little too far to the right.
Jumping into action, he leapt forward, just as her stray step landed on a loose floorboard. He caught her in plenty of time to keep her from hitting the ground, but the water was a lost cause. In tripping, Ditzy had inadvertently sent them flying in the air, where they came down with a couple of soft clunks on top of each of their heads. Muster had just long enough to register that something was missing before the water, too, came back down, and soaked both of them.
Ditzy coughed up a small bit of water. “Ptoo, tpoo. That wasn’t... that wasn’t supposed to happen...” she said sheepishly. She stared up at him from her pose in his arms, giving him a quiet, apologetic smile.
Dear god she looks great with her mane wet. And those eyes... damn. Muster, however, was a professional, and instead of following his natural instincts of ravishing the grey pegasus on the spot, instead helped her to her hooves, and walked behind her to grab a towel out of the handle of the refrigerator door. “It’s ok. At least part of me got hydrated, so I can’t complain.” He turned around and handed her the towel to dry off.
The effect was something out of a cheesy romance novel. Her mane, though alluring as it was when it was soaking wet, took on a new, fluffy, altogether voluminous look when dried properly. Ever the epitome of self-control, however, Muster decided to hide his growing blush by accepting the offered, and mildly damp, towel, and completely burying his face in it. I’ve got to do something about this.. He collected the glasses off the floor, so as to have somewhere else to look, and asked, “So, shall I try this ‘water’ thing again?” Without waiting for a response, he wheeled round again to head back into the kitchen.
Or, tried to, as he was suddenly wheeled around.
---------------------
Ditzy had figured that inviting the stallion into her home ought to have been a decent flag for attention. After all, even in a place like Ponyville, where everyone was neighborly, there was still something to be said aobut not taking perfect strangers of the opposite gender into your home.
He probably thinks we’re going to some restaurant or something. Cute. Waving him through the front door like a proper hostess, she directed him to take a seat in a chair with a perfect view of the kitchen. Now let’s see if those magazines were right about this stuff.
“So, do you always bake at home? I thought you were a mailmare?” she heard from behind her. Ooh, he’s starting tohe conversation himself. Perfect. Now I don’t have to come up with something cheesy to talk about.
“Of course! Sometimes I even sell my muffins at Sugarcube Corner when I need some extra cash! Being a mailmare pays ok, but I do seem to get a lot of bills from the city about property damage.” No, you moron! Don’t talk about that! He’ll think you’re a walking disaster! It was a good thing she had her back to him so he couldn’t see her flinch.
“So what kind of muffins are you making now?” Muster asked. He was either trying to divert the conversation, or hadn’t noticed the statement.
Perfect. Ok, now, what did the magazine say about baking stuff? Inhale deeply, arch your back, puff out your chest... “Chocolate chip cinnamon!” she said, adding a satisfying “mmm” at the end, although she wasn’t sure if he heard that. He chanced a glance over, and saw him looking at her. She wasn’t sure if he was staring. Did... did I do it right? “They should be cooled in just a moment. Would you like a drink or something?” she asked, moving along. She dove into her fridge, trying to make it look like she was rooting around. In all honesty, all she had was milk and water, mostly for baking.
“Oh, water should be fine. I try to stay well hydrated on days I’m working.”
YES. Ok, what did they say about water? Water... water... She hung around in the fridge for a little while while she thought, taking the opportunity to point her rear end at him for a few more seconds. Oh, yeah! Soak him! Or something... Climbing out of her appliance, she hastily responded, “I thought I had some bottled water or something, but I guess tap will have to do. You don’t mind, do you?”
She glanced over to him again. He was still looking at her. Whether out of manners or... well, the lack of them, she couldn’t tell. “Yes, that’s fine. I’d imagine the tap water in such a small town is much cleaner than it would be in Canterlot.”
I... what? What does that... no. Don’t get distracted. He’s just making small talk. You can do this. Ditzy poured the two glasses of water, and took one in each wing. She thought very carefully as she walked. Ok, the loose floorboard should be about... there. Just a little to the right, and... She gasped quietly as her hoof hit the board. It hurt a little more than she thought. She took the opportunity to carelessly let the glasses fall.
Or tried to. As it turned out, he had all the reflexes somepony would expect a guard to have. He rushed from his seat and scooped her up before she could fall. Which, to be honest, wasn’t that bad of a feeling. He had really strong arms and a nice barrel chest.
Then the glasses came down. And the water. Her vision flooded slightly as she was drenched. ““Ptoo, tpoo. That wasn’t... that wasn’t supposed to happen...” she muttered. Her plan hadn’t worked very well. She looked up at him, wondering if he was mad her little escapade had gotten them soaked.
Although what she saw was pleasantly surprising. Muster was staring at her with a great deal of... well... immoral intent in his eyes. Maybe this could work. She tried to scoot a little closer, but instead, he shook his head, propped her back up on her hooves, and went to fetch a towel. “It’s ok. At least part of me got hydrated, so I can’t complain.”
What? No, don’t leave! Come back and stare at me some more! Even so, she didn’t want to be impolite. She took the offered towel, and dried herself properly. Then she saw him staring, again. That same lustful look in his eyes. She opened her mouth to say something, but he snatched the towel and buried his face in it.
“So, shall I try this ‘water’ thing again?” he asked, turning around.
Oh, that’s it. Come here! Ditzy all but yelled the last two words out loud, spinning the stallion on his heels till he faced her. She was all determination, the kind of stubborn affection that comes from a severe lack of romantic interludes over an extended period of time. Not waiting for him to drum up some other excuse or find a way out, she all but launched herself forward and planted her lips on his.
-------------
Muster was a great many things. Easily amused? Sure. Well composed? Of course. Great at his job? Naturally.
Easily surprised? I’ll take “What the hell just happened?” for a thousand, Alex.
Before he knew what was going on, he was spun on his heels, and suddenly staring into the eyes of a rather impatient -and ravenous-looking- mare. Then, they were kissing.
I am the best guard EVER and I love this job!
------------
I am the worst assistant EVER and I hate this job! I thought, as the so-called “Princess of Love” backed me into a corner.
“Do you have any idea what kind of chaos you’ve sown the seeds of? I can feel it all the way in Canterlot! Half the guards have been... tainted by your revelation thanks to Princess Celestia’s nonsensical rambling about public nudity! Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep yourself composed when nearly every guard around you is basically drooling over every mare they see?! I’m the Princess of freaking LOVE! I. HEAR. EVERYTHING. I thought bringing my husband back home to spend some time with the family would be a great idea, but nooooo! You had to go and hit puberty on a national scale!” She was furious, blushing shades of red I was pretty sure were reserved for cheesy romance novels and Satan.
I honestly had no words. “I... uh... whu...”
“And on TOP of that, my Auntie Luna has decided to completely redo her wardrobe! Which, to be honest, doesn’t sound like a horrible thing, except for the fact that she’s dragging guards away from the castle, doesn’t SHUT. UP. About your stupid dream she visited, not to mention that Time-Turning muttonhead, who I WILL be talking to later... Ooh.... I’m so frustrated right now I could EXPLODE. Half the town is a buzz with this nudity nonsense, and I can’t shut any of it out! So here’s. What. We’re gonna. Do,” she added, poking me hard in the chest with her hoof. “We’re gonna go talk to Twily. She’s gonna help me make a spell to help ponies forget all about this whole naked thing. And should you come to this... horrid conclusion all on your own again, I will be there. To stop it. Savvy?!”
“...Yes’m.”
“Now where, exactly, is my adorable, hopefully untainted, favorite little filly?” she asked, presumably trying to sound more innocent. She seemed more calm, at least, having vented a little.
“Oh, she’s on a date with Time... Turner...” oops.
I wasn’t looking forward to any of these conversations, really. I just wanted to go home and stare at mare’s backsides all day. Is that too much to ask? Well, according to the bloody Princess of the Crystal Empire, YES.
Not wanting to actually disturb Twilight’s date with Time Turner, or, rather, the morning after, Cadence opted for the next available option: tracking down her Aunt Luna and putting this whole crazy Forget The Awesome spell in place. Fuckin’ killjoy.
While we were walking, the silence was bothering me, so I decided to just ask her some questions. Well, that, and I wanted to annoy the crap out of her. “So, um, Princess Cadence?”
“Yes, Spike?” She’d taken to a much less angry and much more formal tone since her explosion an hour ago. Something about “Not actually my fault” and “Growing young man”. I took it to mean I was getting off easy.
“If you’re the Princess of Love, why is this whole thing bothering you? I mean, you said you could hear everypony’s thoughts, but being attracted to somepony doesn’t mean your in love, right?” I asked, putting on my best “I totally haven’t hit puberty and thus know nothing about the real world” expression.
She stopped for a moment, then sighed, continuing her measured pace. “It’s kind of hard to explain. Yes, I am the Princess of Love, as some call me, but it’s important to be able to tell the difference. I should be more accurate though, and say I can’t read pony’s minds. More like pick up on their emotions. It’s called empathy. And no, not the kind where you’re good at understanding people. I feel the emotions of my subjects when I’m in close proximity of them. And lately the whole castle has been a bloody blast furnace. Which is why I also know that you’re rather upset at me right now, which I understand. I shouldn’t have yelled at you, and I’m sorry.”
“Apology accepted,” I said in my big guy voice. Of course, my inner monologue was more like ‘Shit shit SHIT get out of my head you crazy skank!’ but I obviously didn’t say that. Thank Luna.
Oh, speaking of Luna.
OH SHIT IT’S LUNA.
“Auntie!” Cadence called out cheerfully, leaping forward and giving the Moon Princess a hug.
Luna returned it warmly, and smiled. “It’s good to see you, Cadence. Spike,” she added, nodding at me. I smiled weakly and nodded back.
“Your Highness. Good to see you,” I said, although it came out as more of a question. I looked just past her as some movement caught my eye, and I spotted one of those bat-ponies trotting up beside Luna, wearing what looked like a denim jacket and shorts. Twenty bits and a diamond where she got it from.
“Oh Spikey-Wikey!” I heard from far behind the other girls. Boner? Check. Magical dragon dicksheath stealth mode? Double check.
“Hi Rarity!” I called, walking past the Princesses to greet Rarity. Thank the stars she was still naked.
She patted my head and gave me a peck on the forehead, and I hugged her back. “I heard from Princess Luna that you are to thank for her decision to order a whole new wardrobe! Oh, Spikey, you’re such a great helper!” she cooed, almost squeezing the life out of me.
It’s good to be the dragon.
I heard Luna and Cadence talking in the background, but I was busy. “Always happy to help, Rarity! Just let me know if you need some assistance around the shop while you work,” I offered. With luck I could get a free lunch or three out of this.
Rarity was about to answer when a voice rose behind me in anguish. “But Auntiiiieee~” Cadence whined. Oh, boy.
I heard Luna stomp her hoof, and turned around to watch the conversation. “Absolutely not, Cadence. You know that kind of magic is strictly forbidden even on an individual scale.”
Cadence shuddered up and down while she thought about it. “But it’s so... creepy! Please?!”
Luna shook her great mane defiantly. “No. I cannot allow it,” she said with much finality. “However,” she added, lifting Cadence by the chin. “I have been putting some thought into the problem, and believe I have a much more effective solution.”
“Spike,” Rarity asked next to me. “What are they talking about?”
I looked up at the white unicorn goddess. “I have no idea.”
The two of us looked confusedly at each other while the two Princesses spoke in hushed voices. Whatever Luna had suggested, Cadence seemed to like.
Which means I was probably going to hate it.
“Spike!” Luna barked, summoning me forward with a sweep of her hoof. I marched. I’m not stupid.
“Yes, Princess?”
“I need you to take a few letters for me...” she said, trailing off in a sinister tone.
Oh, fuck me.
----------------
Time Turner looked up from his mid-day salad to smile at his... marefriend? He didn’t quite know yet. Last night had been amazing, and he was now internally debating paying a visit to the Ponyville Town Hall to apply for a name change, but for now it was just him and Twilight, enjoying a midday meal.
Twilight looked up and saw him smiling, her cheeks turning read as she looked away with a small grin.
And then the kitchen table caught fire.
Well, not really. The green flame appeared and disappeared in an instant, just enough time to drop a letter into Turner’s unfinished lunch, but still. Fire out of fucking nowhere. “Ahhhh!” he screamed, falling backwards.
“Turner, it’s just dragon post! Just open it,” Twilight laughed, as Time Turner picked himself up from the floor.
He looked sheepishly about, making sure there weren’t any other ponies present to be embarrassed around. “Right, right.”
He unrolled the scroll, and gave it a cursory read. Then another. And finally, he read it so in-depth-ly that had it been written in any language other than Equine he would understand the entire language perfectly just from this one note. Clenching the letter tightly in his hoof, he screamed to the ceiling: “SSSPIIIIIIIIIIIIKE!”
-----------------------
Muster rolled over from his place on the floor to come muzzle-to-muzzle with a blonde-maned mare. Both had rather loopy expressions, and were wrapping their hooves around each other amicably. “That. Was awesome,” Muster said breathlessly. Ditzy’s warm smile grew as she kissed his muzzle.
“It was pretty great. And the one before that,” she added, nuzzling his neck.
I freakin’ LOVE my job. Muster thought to himself as he pulled the grey mare closer.
He was about to suggest a third go-round when a small burst of green light caught his attention, and a small scroll fell from the sky to bop him on the nose. “...huh,” he said finally, looking at the innocent-enough parchment on the ground. He sat up, scooping the letter in a hoof, and read it. Over and over again. “Oh that bloody little dragon! Imma use his scales for guitar picks!”
Ditzy was very, very confused.
------------------
Several dozen letters later, and a few cries for blood off in the distance that sounded suspiciously like my name, I slumped over the desk at the Ponyville library, finalizing the last letter. Sending it off in a feeble puff of flame, my head dropped to the oak desktop as I panted for breath. “Is that... all?” I asked, looking up at Princess Luna and the other mares around her. Rarity had gone back to work, leaving me with Cadence, the bat pony, and the Princess of the Night. I was so boned.
“Just one more, Spike. I promise. You won’t even need to send it away,” Luna explained in a falsely sweet voice.
My eyes grew wide. ‘Oh, come on!’ “You don’t mean...”
“Of course I do, Spike. After all,” she added, leaning in close. “We need somepony to make an example of.”
I looked with fear over to Cadence, who was smiling cruelly, and the bat pony, who had already volunteered, and was currently making a show of just how hard she could buck.
I turned my manly dragon fists to the sky and cried, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
---------------------------------------------
To Whom it May Concern:
It has come to the attention of the Royal Courts that there has been a rising series of complaints and incidents relating to leering, sexual advances, and inappropriate behavior stemming from the standard practice of not wearing clothes in public. As such, the Royal Courts have taken it upon themselves to institute a new training regime for guards and civilians alike.
This course will consist of four-hour classes Saturday and Sunday for the next three weeks, taking place in both Ponyville and Canterlot. If you are receiving this letter, you are expected to attend. Refusal to do so is considered willful disobedience of a Royal Decree. Punishment for having done so can be researched at your local library, Town Hall, or local authorities.
Audience participation is to be expected. There will not be refreshments served, nor will there be a break during class. Please prepare for both of these scenarios.
Please show this letter at the door of your local training center upon arrival. Failure to do so will result in mandatory audience participation.
We look forward to seeing you at the First Annual Sexual Harassment Seminar and Training Course.
Being dragged through the streets by a pissed-off princess should be new to me. Unfortunately, it’s not. I just kind of sighed and sat back as Cadence’s levitation spell floated me through the air unceremoniously while she stomped through town. Stopping every once in a while to interrogate unwary passerby, she finally tracked down the house of Time Turner.
Which shouldn’t be hard. His front window has his cutie mark on it. Which is a damn hourglass. Why is this shit so hard for ponies to understand? But I digress. She got up to the front door and knocked rather loudly on it. “Time Turner!” she bellowed.
There was silence for a moment. Then a window above us creaked open, and Turner poked his head out. “What the hell do you OH DEAR LUNA IT’S YOU,” he exclaimed, quickly closing the window and running down the stairs.
Cadence looked ready to knock furiously again when the door swung open. She had to stop herself bashing Turner’s head in. Which I get the feeling isn’t new to a guy like him. Just an impression I get. “Where’s My Twily?!” she growled at him, her eyes small and narrowed.
Before he could open his mouth, however, a familiar female voice called out behind him. “Cadence? What are you doing here?”
The Princess of Love dropped me and pushed Turner out of the way as she ran up to Twilight. “You’re ok, aren’t you?” she asked with all the motherly concern in the world. “Come on, lets leave these boys to their... whatever they call it. We’re going to have a word with Aunt Luna.”
Twilight shook off the hoof that Cadence was using to push her through the door. “Caddy, please. I’m fine. Turner’s been a gentlecolt.”
“A gentlecolt? Ha! I heard about all the weird rumors these boys are passing around-”
“You mean the naked thing?” Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow and cutting Cadence off mid-rant. “Please. That’s no big deal. So a few guys stare at our flanks all day. How is that any different than normal life?”
Cadence still looked incensed. “But all these perverted thoughts are driving me crazy! There’s got to be something we could do about it!”
Twilight’s raised left eyebrow traded places with the right. “So what were you gonna do? Wipe everypony’s brains so they forgot all about it?”
For the first time since she showed up at the Library this morning, Cadence looked embarrassed. “Well...”
Twilight’s eyes widened, then she facehoofed. “Oh, Cadence, no... there’s better ways to do it.”
The older mare’s face took on an expression that could only be described as infantile. “But it’s ickyyyyyyyy!” she whined, sounding almost like Rarity.
Twilight leveled a blank expression at her ex-foalsitter. “Look, let’s go talk to Luna, ok? Just... don’t brainwash anypony. At all. Ever. It’s creepy.”
Cadence looked severely put-out, but conceded. She glared at Time Turner, who, like me, had decided to shut the fuck up the whole time. Dismissing him with a huff, she walked out, and a rather apologetic Twilight walked after her. “Sorry guys. Spike, you should probably come with us. Turner?”
“Hmm?” he asked from his position at the side of the room.
“...I’ll see you later, ok?” a light blush tinged her cheeks as she walked out.
I stayed behind for a moment, just long enough to hoof-bump Turner, and followed my boss out the door.
-------------------
Making the trip to Rarity’s house (like I’d done a million fucking times), seemed to take longer than I was used to. Mostly because Cadence kept glaring at me and Twilight rolled her eyes every five minutes. It was going to be a long day.
I wasn’t even aware we were there until I heard Twilight knock on the door. Rarity’s usual greeting (“Just a minute~”) echoed through the portal as a small chime indicated the door had opened. “Oh, Twilight! And Cadence! Well, it’s just Princess Day, isn’t it?” she asked sweetly. She ushered us all in, where I saw Luna standing on the platform surrounded by mirrors, and a bat pony mare sitting off to the side in a denim jacket and shorts. It was a decent look for her, I gotta admit.
“Ah, Twilight! It is good to see thee!” Luna’s voice carried around the room in her typical loud fashion, at which point literally every mare in the room gave her a look. “Oh... sorry. Yes, it is good to see you,” she reiterated, in a much quieter tone.
Twilight nodded and smiled. “It’s nice to see you too, Luna. Listen, it seems we have a bit of a problem-”
“Everypony’s being a pervert, Luna!” Cadence yelled, interrupting Twilight. Luna raised an eyebrow as Twilight took a step back from the emotional mare.
Luna considered the statement, and a lightbulb seemed to go off in her head. “Ah! Yes, the... nakedness issue. I am... aware of it.”
Rarity looked between the two of them, rather confused. She leaned over to the bat pony mare and asked in a hushed voice, “What are they talking about?”
Oh, boy. I flinched a little as the bat mare whispered a rather long explanation into her ear, while Luna and Cadence spoke back and forth about the issue. By the time she was done, Rarity’s expression was one of deep consideration. “Well, hmm. I can understand that being an issue for many a pony, but... OOH!” she cried, suddenly hopping up and down.
“What?” Luna, Cadence, and Twilight asked, all at once.
Rarity seemed to shake with excitement. “Ooh, just think of all the mares coming to me for clothes! Oh, this is wonderful!”
Cadene did a double-take. “Wonderful! You think this debasing meme that this... dragon,” she all but spat, pointing a hoof at me, “has been spreading around is wonderful? You’re just looking to profiteer off of their uncertainty!”
But Rarity got as far as “Spike did it” before she tuned the rest out. She bum-rushed me, giving me a huge hug and lifting me off the ground. “Oh, Spikey-Wikey, this is great! You’ve done me such a huge favor!” She punctuated the statement with a kiss on my cheek, and I was like, ’Hell yeah.'
Cadence’s voice went from loud and shrill to low and angry. “You do realize you’re naked too, right Rarity?”
Rarity put me down, considered Cadence for a moment, and scoffed. “But of course! I’m a fashionista! I’ve been aware of this social curiosity for years! Just ask anypony, I even ask] the men to leave the room when I’m changing clothes.”
Twilight shook her head. “Which has never made any sense to me, honestly.”
Rarity waved a dismissive hoof in Twilight’s direction. “Oh, darling, it’d take too long to explain. The important thing here is that I believe Miss Cadenza here is blowing this rather out of proportion! Even Princess Luna, who I know can deduce has been aware of this problem from the start, is simply opting to get a new wardrobe! You should just try that, my dear!” Rarity offered, going over to a rack of dresses and leafing through for options.
Cadence looked around her, and her expression fell. “You’re not... this isn’t a big deal to you?” she asked everypony.
The bat mare spoke up. “It was at first. Mainly because EW. But I got some clothes on, and now I don’t need to think about it. Hay, I can just get some new armor fitted and I’ll be fine.”
Luna nodded. “Yes, indeed. It is something that, I’ll admit, worried me at first, and I did seem to overreact a bit.”
“A bit?” the batpony asked.
Luna blushed and smiled sheepishly. “Ok, more than a bit. But I still got over it, in time. Although I am getting some new clothes in case I have any more... issues,” she added, sparing me a glance. I shrugged.
“I’m totally fine with it,” I said, offering my two bits. The mares in the room all gave me disapproving glances. “What? I’m naked all the time, too.”
Twilight snickered a bit. “Spike’s right. And besides, I’m pretty sure this silly meme thing got me laid.”
Everypony but the as-of-yet-identified bat mare and I gasped and dropped their jaws. Before anypony could get a word in edgewise, however, a tomboyish voice called out from the window, “Me too!”
I turned out of morbid curiosity to see Derpy sitting in the window sill, and heard the chime of the door go off as the stallion from this morning walked in and nodded. “Ma’am,” he said simply. Then he looked around. “Ma’ams.”
The bat mare gave him a look, and flew over to give him a playful punch in the shoulder. “You animal.”
Cadence looked around the room, defeated, and just barked, “I give up! You all are weirdos. I’m going back to the Crystal Empire where nopony talks about being naked all the time.”
I couldn’t help myself. As she walked out the door, and down the path back into town, I called out: “You remember you’re naked, too, right?!”
There was a stunned silence around the room, until the slow steps of Cadence returning could be heard, followed by her reentering the room. She gave me a glare, and then looked to Rarity. “You don’t happen to have anything in a size three, do you?
