This is the story of a thug who just wanted to turn over a new leaf and start a new life. While trying to leave New York City, reformed mobster, Vincenzo leaves his life of crime behind and discovers the magic of interdimensional travel and ponies.
I've done a lot of things I ain't too proud of. I've worked for an organized crime family as a hit man for more time than I'd like to admit. I got paid to take people's lives, I've robbed, stolen, smuggled and hijacked. If it's something one would call sneaky, crooked, vile or anything like that, I've done it.
My name is Vincenzo Scungilli and this is the story of my new beginning. Tired of a life full of nothing but murder and blood, I decided That I wanted to get out of the mob. With a "blessing" from my don, I found that it would prove wise to escape my past and the people who still want me dead not by leaving New York City or even the country, but by my newly discovered mode of transport, inter dimensional travel. By complete freak accident, I ended up getting sucked into Equestria, a land of friendship, magic and candy colored talking ponies who proceed to annoy the hell out of me...and I gotta wait a week to get back.
Think I can keep my sanity and maybe even learn a few things about friendship? Will I even go so far as to make friends with these fruity little wimps and risk life and limb to help them when they accepted me and took me in as their friend? Will I find out who I can really trust and learn who I can't? Well then ya'd better start readin' if ya know what's good for ya! Capiche?
Rated Teen for violence, language and explosions involving "F-bombs" Cover Art Courtesy of thelunarqueen.deviantart.com
"Vinnie, You're one of my most trusted allies." The Don told me as our serious conversation went on. "I respect your opinion on this, kid really I do but I've gotta ask you to reconsider. I mean you're even a made man for her holiness' sake!"
"I'm sorry, Mr. Zeppargoni." I said to my boss "But I just can't take it anym-"
"Vinnie, you're like a son to me. You know that. Call me Tony."
"Y-you really mean that, sir?"
"Have I ever told you any shit that I didn't mean as long as you've been working for me?"
"Well...not that I can recall, Mr. Zep-er, Tony."
"Vincenzo, If this is what you want, after all you've done for me and this family over the years...then you have my blessing, kid. I'm gonna miss the hell outta you, man. Wherever you go, I wish you nothing but the best."
So there I was at my boss' place telling him that I'm done with the mob and he's wishing me luck on my new beginning. A forty-six year old Italian hit man who years ago wouldn't bat an eyelash at the idea of whacking somebody who I would consider a threat or an obstacle and yet there I was no longer able to hold back my tears.
"Thank you so much, Tony!" I said. I'm gonna miss you too. C'mere!"
"Likewise." Tony replied before muttering something under his breath. "Goddamnit, where the fuck's my knife?"
Tony and I embraced each other in what would be our last hug and I bid him farewell. I may be considered a tough-guy by many on account of having killed those who openly disagreed with it, but by mob standards, I was just a big softee. Over the course of twenty-five years, over half my pathetic life, I lived and worked in the criminal underworld that is an organized crime family. Over that amount of time doing what I was doing, I started thinking about shit a little too deeply.
At first, I could piano wire some prick's head right off without thinking twice about it. Last week I busted some punk's knee with a baseball bat and went home and puked over it. I couldn't ignore it anymore. I was tired of maiming and killing as a career and I wanted my soul back. I needed to get outta here and I needed to quickly. I figured it was time to quit while I was ahead and hope to whatever deity exists that it's not too late.
After all, there were still plenty of assholes who wanted nothing more than to present me with a nice pair of concrete boots and one free eternity to sleep with the fishes at the exclusive river floor inn. There were also others who would prefer to catch me off guard and have something rigged to my car that would result in a fireworks show when I started the engine. That's another one of my gripes. It would be nice to not have to look over my shoulder every time I go grocery shopping and worry about somebody putting a magnum in the back of my head.
Leaving the mob was just the start of it all. It sure as shit doesn't finish anything. I have to leave the city If I'm gonna find serenity. I'm thinking a nice country home upstate in a nice small town with a new legal name. On the other hand, that's still a bit too close. They've found other guys like me who moved even further away and look how they ended up. Maybe a little cozy cottage in the mountains of Colorado would do nicely. Nah, screw that! I've gotta think of a place where one would at least need a passport to get to. I decided that I'm going to the old country where my roots are...Italy.
After my conversation with the Don, I headed to my apartment to start packing. This change in my life couldn't wait. If I was going to leave the city and start over, I had to do it now. As I walked in the general direction of my place, I did what I always did and hailed a cab and made my way back to say goodbye to the nice twenty-five hundred dollar a month apartment I called home for decades. It was decent but no palace. You think that price sounds high? Well, I guess I forgot to mention that this is New York I'm talking about. I've had no trouble affording it though. Cash came easy in my line of work. One would think that I was fortunate to have a thick wad of Benjamins but I sure as hell wasn't happy. I haven't been happy for a very long time and no amount of money can buy happiness.
While I was in the cab, we passed by Central Park. It was still sinking in that this would be the last time I would ever see it again so I ended up losing track of the fact that I had to get outta here quick. I always loved to just go here and relax and think.
"Hey driver, change of plans." I said. "Since we're passing by the park just drop me off here." To which he responded by pulling over. I then paid the fare and I was just gonna enjoy the park one last time.
My favorite thing to do there was to just stare into the water in the fountain and think. Not really about anything in particular, but I always ended up getting stuck in deep thought. At this point I was thinking how quickly things were gonna change for me. A guy like me doesn't like to admit he was nervous but I was. It was a bittersweet moment for me as I knew I was going to miss everything I had known for so long. After about a half hour of pondering over a few cigarettes, I figured it was about time I got back home to pack up. That however, proved to be too little too late because at this point in my ordeal, I was about to get into some really serious trouble.
"Vincenzo Scungilli?" A familiar voice said behind me.
"Who wants to know? I retorted back as I turned around to face two old rivals and the business end of a glock in my face.
"You haven't forgot about us have ya punk?" Said the gun wielding Joe Hoblini.
"Does it really matter, Joe?" His obese sidekick Luigi Largenassi added. "This prick's about to have no brains left to remember anything with."
"Of course I haven't forgotten you two." I replied to them with my trademark blood boiling smug grin. "The two pains in my ass, Fatman and Hobblin'."
That was the nickname I'd given that pathetic duo that had always made the twerpy little Joe so pissed that the gimpy little left leg of his would start involuntarily kicking so hard, he could have kicked an oil drum further than a Clydesdale could. Luigi would always turn red and start to sweat and bitch about being hungry. My smart ass attitude was short lived though because to my surprise, they didn't seem too upset by my insult. This could only mean one thing. They knew they had me this time and they knew they were about to finally turn me into Swiss cheese.
"Vinnie, I'm disappointed." Joe said returning my smug attitude. "You're off your game. I've never been able to sneak up on you fast enough hobbling over on this leg of mine."
"I was just thinking about stuff, Joe." I replied now starting to get worried. "Didn't you hear? I'm retiring from the mob. I'm leaving here to make an honest living and just live the rest of my days in peace."
As soon as I was done telling them what I knew for my own good I shouldn't have, they both bust out laughing.
"That's not happening, pal!" Luigi said. "Ya shoulda thought of that before you fucked with the wrong guys."
"Tell ya what." Joe said as he pushed his 9 mm closer to my forehead. "I'm a nice guy so I'll just give you a few seconds to say your last words before I splatter you, alright?"
I was determined to get out of the city and start over so I wasn't planning on anybody getting in my way even if that meant I had to kill again just one last time so I decided to go along with it and seize my opportunity.
"Well Joe, I think I speak for everybody in the whole damn city when I say that YOU CAN KISS MY ASS!."
Catching him off guard and proving to them that I still had fight in me I knocked his arm aside causing his gun to go off followed by a firm headbutt to his face, knocking the human toothpick on his ass. Although it dazed him long enough for me to brace myself for the blob coming after me, nobody wins with a headbutt.
Luigi was fat but he wasn't as slow as one would assume and he proved that when he clothes lined me right into the park's water fountain. This was my favorite fountain that had a statue of one of my favorite Greek myths. A winged Pegasus squirting water out of it's mouth...and this fountain was about to become my grave. I was sinking in the knee deep water wondering what was to come next. Were they gonna have mercy and just put one in my head like they were going to at first? Or did they want to try a new approach by holding my head under until the bubbles stopped? Either way, this was how it was gonna end.
I opened my eyes under water expecting them to just be blasted out of their sockets and realized something weird was going on. I had sunken all the way to the bottom of the two foot deep fountain and then some. I looked like I was under six feet of water and counting and speeding up my decent. I didn't see it coming but I figured this must be what it feels like to die weather I drowned or got my brain popped.
I looked up to see my two killers looking down at me all slack jawed as if they had seen their mothers get blown up in their cars. For some reason they were quickly getting further and further away and I was sinking deeper and deeper into the pool. I'm no expert judge of distance but I think I was about 30 feet under by the time that all light visible to me was all gone. Still holding my breath, I just lay there sinking with nothing else happening until I started to spin around under what seemed like a whirlpool.
"So this is how I'm gonna die." I thought to myself as I drifted off to Hell. "Flushing like a shit in a toilet bowl without a shred of dignity."
As I was bracing myself for soon meeting the devil, I also began wondering why the newly formed light above me didn't look that bad. I could almost say that it was beautiful. Then, for some reason my spinning came to a stop and I was heading right for the surface. I began floating back up and at this point I was back up into about fifteen feet under. All of a sudden, I started getting jolted upward even faster. So fast that I thought once I reached the surface, I would almost rocket right out of there. As I finally approached the surface just about to break it, I quit worrying about how or why. I realized that I still may not have been dead but I would be soon if I couldn't take in a fresh supply of air.
"GASP!
Finally, with new oxygen in my lungs I could assess the situation I was in and gather myself to make sense of the whole thing. I was looking around at my surroundings and asking myself too many questions for my own good. "What the fuck just happened? How did it happen? Did I just break the laws of physics somehow sending the world into a black hole? Why am I all of a sudden in the middle of a large pond without the statue and no city around me? What gives with the flower filled meadow with butterflies all over the place? That wasn't there before!"
Before I tired myself out just staying afloat, I knew I had to chill the fuck out and figure out what I had just gotten myself into and swim to shore. On my way there, I started getting a better look around. The place I was in looked nothing like any Hell or Underworld that I've ever been taught about when I was a kid in church.
At long last, my struggle was over as I pulled myself onto the grassy bank of the pond to lay there on my back to rest for a bit. Was this it? Were all the horrible things I had done in life forgiven? Did I die and go to heaven even though I had robbed, stolen, laundered, smuggled and killed as a career? For the first time in who knows how long, I felt like I was on top of the world and yelled out the first thing that was on my mind.
So I'm dead. I just drowned in a park water fountain and I'm in Heaven or some kinda paradise. Funny how that worked out on account of my having taken other human lives. I don't care how it happened, all I know is that I'm here and I kinda like it. My clothes are still soaked but hey, nothing taking a little walk in my new paradise can't fix.
Pretty close to the pond I just crawled out of, there was this nice little trail leading into a flowery meadow. After just a few minutes of walking, I even came across this cute little stone bridge going over a little crick. I'm feeling on top of the world for a while, stopping here and there smelling flowers and whatnot until an all too familiar feeling came over me. The feeling that it's been long enough since you've had some smoke going down your throat. Time to get my fix of nicotine and hope I'm able to before I came across somebody else and take my frustration out on them. I reached into my now slightly damp jacket on my suit and pulled out my pack of smokes hoping that they had fared better than the rest of me. I ended up pulling out nothing but disappointment. My cigarettes were destroyed.
"Shit." I said to myself. "If I'm in Heaven, why do I still even have cravings?"
At least I wasn't in any pain...yet. I was soon to find the cold truth that changed everything.
"WHOA-oof!" I grunted as I tripped over a rock, fell flat on my stomach and bashed my shin.
If I had learned anything in church when I went there as a kid, it was that pain doesn't exist in Heaven. Something was wrong here. Really, really wrong. I was sitting on my ass, massaging my shin and whining like a little bitch and I was getting a bit concerned and really hoping nobody saw me acting like a pussy.
"HI!" A squeaky little voice said behind me, catching me off guard. Before I could turn around, the voice spoke again. "I've never seen you around here before and-"
Before the voice finished, I was now standing back up with my fists ready to start swinging and turned around to face...nobody.
"What the fuck?" I said.
"Wow! you stand on Two legs?" The voice spoke again.
I was starting to think that I was going crazy and hearing things.
"Down here, silly."
I followed the voice's direction and looked down to what I assumed but still wasn't quite sure was the source. Looking up at me with big blue eyes was some type of a...some kinda...animal...like a equine sort of thing. It kinda reminded me of that pegasus statue on the fountain except it had no wings...and it was fuckin' pink! It was a tiny little pink horse-like creature and it was talking in this squeaky little friggin' voice that both startled and annoyed the hell outta me at the same time. At this point, I'm still staring down at this pony thing to really process what I was seeing. Maybe a visit to a shrink would be in order?
"Oh wow!" The thing said. "You must be one of those human things my friend Twilight told me about!"
My eyes and ears did not deceive me. This mini horse was talking to me and proceeded to go on a rant as if it were on crack.
"You see, a friend of mine went though a portal to another universe and when she came back she told us about these creatures that walked on two legs that were called humans or something and wow this is weird so then I heard somepony over here whining about being hurt or something so I came over to see If anypony needed help and I saw you and said 'HI' and that's when you stood up and now we're here and this is soooooo cool that I get to see what my friend was talking about and have you met my friend when she went to your world her name is Twilight spar-you okay?"
THUD!
I figured It was all just a dream. I'm just lying down here in the park after Fatman and Hobblin' tore me a new one and I'm just gonna sleep it off. Soon I'll be able to wake up and this will all be over.
SPLOOSH! "Aaahhh, fuck!" I yelled as I jolted out of my sleep. I had just had some crazy dream about falling into a central park fountain and crawling out of a pond and now I'm waking up to some dead jerk throwing water in my face. Still lying on the ground, I looked up to see that friggin' pony from my dream with a bucket in it's...hoof! how the hell does it hold onto a bucket with a hoof? a fucking hoof! A non cloven one too!
"You fainted." The pink stained horse said to me with this stupid little smile. "Let's start over. HI! I'm Pinkie Pie!"
Well at least there's something that makes a shred of logical sense. What I'm assuming was the thing's name suited it or her quite well. A bit too predictable but at this point, I was thinking that predictable was a good thing.
"What's the matter?" The pony asked me. "Cat got your tongue?"
I finally decided that I wasn't gonna get anywhere unless I communicated with the talking hoofed animal and said the first thing that came to my mind and a very important topic it was indeed.
"Uhh Ok, 'Pinkie Pie'." I began. "Lemme me ask you this. Where can I get a pack of cigarettes in this joint?"
"Ciga-who-da-whatnow?" The pony replied. "What's that?"
"Ok listen, Pink weirdo." I retorted "I'm gonna be nice and give you a more than fair warning. I'm in serious need of a nicotine fix. You're just an innocent little animal and I'd rather not hurt you if I can help it, so if you know what's good for your own well being, you'll get the fuck outta my sight until further noticed!"
The Pony then gave me a confused look. "What's a fuck?" it asked me. "You've said that like five times already. what does it mean?"
"I TOLD YOU TO FUCK OFF!" I screamed in the pink creatures face with mine now as dark pink as her weird...uhh...mane?...I guess? What pissed me off even more is that it still had that blood boiling little "cutesie" smile while I was shouting at it.
"And I told you that since you peaked my curiosity about this 'fuck' word, I just might keep following you around until you tell me what it means, silly." the pony replied. "Oh and you're going the wrong way. Ponyville is that way. Wait! don't go back into that pond! If I follow you in there, I might not come back out! I didn't bring my swimming flippers!"
This talking pony was seriously testing my patience and simply would not take the hint that I wanted to be left alone. I figured it would make sense that I got into this world through this pond so I could get back to New York the same way as I jumped back in to try to find the bottom. It proved to be a big waste of time when I dove to about six feet and found just a plain gravel bottom with no sign of any way to get back. I just couldn't understand this because I came up from over thirty feet. Nothing made sense anymore. I went back up to the surface and crawled back to the bank where once again, I met face to face with that pain in the ass who called herself "Pinkie Pie".
"Hello again." The pony said. "You really should be careful in there. My Pinkie Sense tells me that there's a- GACK!"
"Now I want you to listen to me very carefully." I said through my teeth with my hand around the pony's throat. "Unless the next thing that comes outta your mouth is something that can help me get back home or about somebody who can help me, I suggest you shut it. Understand?"
The pony then nodded in agreement and I let go of it's neck. It then proceeded to take a few steps back and give me a very frightened look, apparently having gotten my point. It continued to stare at me with it's lips quivering and then started to quietly speak again.
"Um...I...uhhh." the pony stuttered. "My f-friend, Twilight Sparkle could probably help you."
For some reason I was overcome by a feeling not new to me but never came as easy as it had that time. I felt guilty for grabbing this pony's throat, scaring and maybe even somewhat hurting it. As annoying as this thing was and weather it talks or not, it was still just a small animal that never caused me any harm and I had just choked it.
"Listen, little pony I-" I started to say to the pony. "I-I'm sorry about that. I'm just really stres-"
"Okie dokie lokie!" the pony cut me off with a sudden change in her demeanor. "Apology accepted!"
I didn't see that coming. I said "sorry" just once and that was enough to get the pony back to her annoying, smiling self again. Come to think of it, that kinda made me feel like even more of an asshole. I'd better snap outta this before I start going all soft.
"Uh, wow" I said, dumbfounded. "Just like that? I wrap my hand around your neck and we're cool?
"Sure!" the pony replied. "I was starting to think you were upset about something anyway."
"Oh yeah? No shit."
"Wow, you're just full of new words. And I though my friend Twilight had a big vocabulary."
"Uh yeah, about this 'Twilight'. You said that, uh, I wanna assume she, could probably help me figure out this mess?"
"Uh huh."
"Alright, cool. So where do I find this friend of yours?"
"Follow me!"
As quick as a bullet, the pony turned around and didn't walk, trot nor gallop but bounce over onto the trail I had begun to walk down before. She was quickly getting far ahead of me and I couldn't afford to lose any potential help so I had to nearly sprint to catch up. So there I was playing follow the leader with a friggin' pony and I wasn't the one in the front. After a few minutes of following the little pink horse, we came across a large wooden sign.
Welcome To Ponyville
Population 2,532
I really hope the other twenty-five hundred thirty one are humans. Yeah right! We entered this little "town" with ponies all over the place...and not a single one of them was a normal color. Even more surprising, some of them had wings like the pegasus statue on my favorite Central Park fountain. Some of them had twisted horns on top of their heads too. Weird. They seemed to agree that something was weird too. It was apparent that they'd never seen a human being before. I was getting a lot of stares as I was walking through and passing by. I realized I was getting a bit too distracted and called out to the pink one.
"Hey hold up!" I yelled. "Don't get so far ahead!"
"Then don't fall so far behind, fuckface!" The pony giggled.
"Ha! I'm actually starting to like your attitude, kid." I said as I ran to catch up. "You're pretty ballsy!"
"You bet I got balls!" She replied to me as she pulled large inflatable ball out of a small shrub and threw it in a random direction. "I've got secret stashes of all kinds of balls all over Ponyville! Pinkie Pie by the way."
After hearing Pinkie Pie's hilarious and oblivious reply, something went very wrong with me all of a sudden. I felt like I was having some kinda seizure along with a turrets syndrome episode and pain in my sides. I began involuntarily yelling "ha" over and over and I couldn't stop. I've had this happen before but the last time it did was over thirty years ago when I was a teenager. When I finally calmed down, I looked over to Pinkie Pie to see her with a clipboard in her hoof and a pencil in her mouth.
"Wup! Ifts offiffshull" she said while she was writing on the clipboard. "I cam mage amypomy waff!" Ptooey!
"Well shit, I can honestly say I needed that. I feel like I just shed every hunk of lead out of my body. But anyway, Pinkster-"
"It's Pinkie Pi-'Pinkster'? I like that! that sounds like something my other friend Rainbow Dash would call me. I wonder why she hasn't."
"Heh heh, like I was saying. looks like everybod-err 'everypony' else isn't too thrilled about me being here so if you could just slow down a bit so I can keep up with you, you'll be a 'made' pony. You capiche?"
"When you get time, you'll have to tell me about those cool new words. Let's go, shithead"
"So if ya wanna use it as an insult, there's a lot of ways to do that." I said to Pinkie as we continued our walk through this Ponyville. "For example if you want to dismiss somebody you can say 'fuck off' or 'go fuck yourself'. Or you can put it together with another word and say something like 'fuckhead' or something."
"Cool! So when I called you 'fuckface' earlier, that's another word combo?" Pinkie asked me. "But then that means I insulted you right?"
"Well not necessarily. You said it in a playful, joking manner. In that case, it's just you messin' around is all."
"Neato! How about when I said 'shithead'?"
"Yeah that's another good example. But again I could tell you were just messin' around so no offense taken."
I was walking alongside a pony in a town full of ponies, having an intellectual conversation with a pony and teaching said pony about the versatility of swear words. Wow. At this point though, I was actually starting to get a kick outta this. This Pinkie Pie who I had just nicknamed "Pinkster" was actually turning out to be alright. It certainly was a sigh of relief to get a whiff of cinnamon rolls when we walked past this weird building with a sign that read "Sugarcube Corner" indicating that I'm not stuck in a world with nothing to eat but hay.
"See that shop over there?" Pinkie asked me. "That's sugarcube corner. I work there."
"I assume it's a bakery?"
"You assumed right! They have all kinds of baked goodies like cupcakes and muffins and pie and cookies and cak-"
"How about cannolis?"
"Never heard of those so probably not."
"Is that a fact? Well then I think I can help with that. We'll have to stop by that place later."
"Okie dokie lokie. Hey! I just thought of something!"
"What's that, Pinkster?"
"You never told me your name."
"Vincenzo Scungilli. Just call me Vinnie though."
"Ok then. Well, we're here. This is Twilight's library."
Pinkie had her hoof pointed in the direction of a huge weird looking tree.
"Where? You mean that tree?"
"Uh huh."
"Oh yeah, I see that door there. I suppose next you're gonna tell me that the elves who bake the cheap, crappy cookies around here live there, right?"
"What's an elve?"
"Never mind. I'll explain later."
"Okie dokie lokie."
She then trotted up to the chest high door on the side of the hugest tree I've ever seen and gave a few good knocks.
"Spike, would you get that?" A feminine voice said from behind the door.
"Sure thing, boss." Said another voice that sounded more like a male but much younger.
The door opened and out came one of the craziest looking things I ever saw. It was a tiny little bipedal reptilian creature that stood about knee height. Most of it's body was light purple with it's belly a very light green with darker green fin-like scales jutting out of the top of it's head.
"Oh hi, Pinkie Pie!" The small lizard said not noticing me as the door had not been opened wide enough. "What brings you over today?"
"Hi Spike!" Pinkie greeted. "I wanted to talk to Twilight about something. Remember when the two of you went through that mirror in Canterlot that lead to a different world?"
"Yeah!" The reptile apparently named Spike replied. "And what a heck of a few days that was, heheheh! Why do you ask?"
Pinkie then grabbed the door and swung it open the rest of the way revealing me standing next to her.
"Does this look familiar?" She asked him.
"Holy guacamole!" Spike gasped not out of fear but more fascination. "Hey Twilight! Remember that thing with the portal and the dimension with the high school and me turning into a dog?"
"Um, yeah." Said the feminine voice sounding like it was coming from upstairs. "What about it?"
"You gotta check this out!" Spike replied.
The door was about up to my chest so I had to bend down a bit to get a look at the inside and to meet Pinkie's friend who could possibly help me out. Inside there was a curved staircase and coming down them was a lavender pony with a mane and tail with stripes that were shades ranging from a very dark blue to what looked like fuchsia. As she was coming closer, I noticed that she had one of those weird unicorn horns on her head and a set of wings too. I didn't see any others like that when I was walking through town. Seeming how that was the case and on account of Pinkie telling me she could help, I put two and two together and got something pretty important figured out. She must be their leader. She was now standing at the door looking up at me not showing any emotion for some reason. Just a straight look on her face awkwardly staring up at me until her pretty purple eyes suddenly rolled back into her head.
THUD!
"Aww shit!" Pinkie said. "Not again!"
"What's a shit?" The so called "Spike" asked.
"Vinnie will explain. Now where's that bucket?"
A Few Minutes Later
SPLOOSH! "Hey!" Twilight yelled. "Pinkie, what was that for?!"
"You fainted, silly." Pinkster replied.
"I did? How did that happen?"
"Dunno. I guess you were startled or super duper surprised by something."
"Well I had some weird dream that I saw a human from that other world I went to."
"Ahem." I cleared my throat grabbing her attention. "Hi, I'm Vinnie." I said with a smug tone.
I was sitting on a sofa next to Spike showing him my snub-nose .38 revolver that I forgot that I had in an ankle holster the whole time.
"But. But. How?!" Twilight asked me dumbfounded. "H-how did you get here? Princess Celestia told me that the portal in Canterlot only opens every thirty moons!"
"Not now, Twilight!" Spike retorted. "He's showing me this cool thing called a gun!"
"Alright, listen." I said, desperate for answers. "I'm the one here who needs to get some shit taken care of. If anybody needs answers it's me. I really don't belong here."
It was true, I didn't belong there even though the pink pony and even the purple lizard I was talking to were actually pretty cool to hang out with. I needed to get back to reality and try to figure a way back to my world so the less attached I got to anybody the better.
"Actually, Twilight." Pinkie cut in. "He didn't come from that portal. He just crawled out of that pond just east of here."
"Whoa! Back up, Pinkie!" Twilight replied. "You mean to tell me that there are more of those?"
"I sure as shit do."
"Sure as what?"
"Shit. It's a word that they use in Vinnie's world. He's told me about tons of 'em. There's also 'damn' and 'fuck' and 'prick' and 'asshole' and cu-"
"Okay, Pinkster." I chuckled as I covered her mouth. "That's enough swearing lessons for today. Since we're in a library, lets start hitting some books about portals so I can go home."
"That sounds like a good plan." Twilight said. "You said your name was Vinnie? That sounds...uh, different. It's a shame that you're in such a hurry though, I've got tons of questions to ask you."
"How about you ask while we're doing our little research project here? I'm not planning on being here for too long."
"Alright, I'll start gathering any books that might help. Spike, write a letter to the Princess. This is huge!"
"Whadda ya mean you can't find anything?!" I yelled in disbelief at the purple pony leader. "Whassa matta with you?!"
"I meant what I said, Vinnie." Twilight replied. "We've gone through every book that covers portals and then every book that doesn't. Ergo, we've read every single book in the library!"
"Are you keeping something from me?!"
"What? Oh no no no no no! listen, you've got to trus-"
"Because if you are, you're gonna fuckin' regret it!"
As soon as I finished that sentence, I was the one having regrets on account of I had just threatened the leader of a world to which I was a stranger. Oddly enough however, they didn't seem to take it as seriously as I would have expected.
"Vinnie, dude." Spike said. "Chill the fuck out. She's not keeping anything from you."
"Yeah c'mon." Pinkie said. "Cool your shit."
"Alright alright alright!" I responded. "I'm calm. I'm just cool as a cucumber." losing hope that I would find the answers I needed, I plopped my ass back on the sofa. "So whadda we do now?"
"Spike." Twilight said. "Any word from the princess yet?"
"Sorry, boss." Spike answered. "Nothing yet. But um...well wasn't she gone on some political tour or something?"
"Oh shoot, I forgot! She just left for Saddle Arabia this morning and she's supposed to be there for a week!"
"Okay but why aren't you using these cool new words Vinnie's been saying?"
"That's not important, Spi-"
"Uh I don't mean to be a prick" I interrupted. "But who's this 'princess' you're talking about? And what does that have to do with me?"
"Princess Celestia" Twilight answered. "She's the ruler of Equestria"
"Oh so that's not you then?"
"No it's not."
"Okay, so you're telling me that until she gets back from that trip, I'm stuck here for a week?"
"I'm afraid so. In the meantime, you can stay here at our library."
"I can stay here? No shit! Ya know, for a bunch of fruity little namby pamby wusses, you guys are alright!"
"Uhh, I'll take that as a compliment I guess."
"Heh, yeah you go ahead and do that, sparks."
"Sparks? hmm. I wonder why my brother has never called me that. That sounds like something he'd say."
"Hey cool, Twilight!" Pinkie said. "He's got a nickname for you too! Mine's 'Pinkster'!"
"Well If I'm gonna be stuck here for a while, then I might as well make the best of it." I said. "Care to give me a tour of the town?"
"You bet your ass I care! let's go! I'll introduce you to all my other friends!"
"Wait!" Twilight said before Pinkster and myself went out the door. "Before you go, I fixed these things for you."
All of a sudden, I saw my pack of cigarettes floating right in front of my face and they were as good as new.
"What the fuck?!" I snapped in disbelief.
"Oh sorry." Twilight answered. "I probably should have told you about unicorn magic first. I and others with a horn like this can levitate objects."
"OH MY GOD MY SMOKES!" I yelled as I immediately lit up and inhaled. As I blew out a cloud of smoke after hours upon hours of withdrawal, I felt better than I had before I even got to this fucked up place which was starting to prove to be not all that bad. Although I had gone too long without my precious nicotine, it still didn't excuse me being an asshole to these...ponies. I've gotta take it for what it's worth and appreciate their hospitality even though it'll take a while for them to help me get outta here. Still, I can't afford to get too attached to "anypony" while I'm here.
"Thank you so much!" I said to the purple Twilight as I knelt down to her level to hug her.
"It's no cough pro-cough blem, Vinnie." She replied as she tried to wave the smoke away with her hoof. "I hope you have a fun night on our cough town! Just stick with Pinkie and you are guaranteed to have fun."
A few minutes of running and stopping for a breather later
"So Pinkster" I panted as I stood there trying to catch my breath. "What's there huff to do puff around here?"
"Well." Pinkie started. "What do you wanna do?"
Thinking about it for a moment, I looked down at my now dry but filthy, torn up clothes.
"I don't suppose you have any clothing shops around with something that would fit somebody like me would ya?"
"None that would have anything in stock but I know somepony who could make something for you! This way!"
"Hold up! Not so fast! listen Pinkster, I know you don't do slow but if you want me to keep up, you'll have to just bear with me. I'm not that young ya know."
"Sorry, Vinnie. I'll slow down a bit. I'd like to introduce you to all of my friends tonight but I'm worried you won't like my friend Rainbow Dash with that attitude."
"I'll worry about that later. I just need a change of clothes."
"To the Carousel Boutique!"
A comic book style transition later
"Wow!" I said in awe at the structure I stood before. "This is a store?"
"Yeah, this is the Carousel Boutique." Pinkie Replied. "My friend Rarity runs it. She's super good at making new outfits so you being a two-legger shouldn't be a problem for her."
"Whoa, ease up on the labels, Pinkster!"
"Oops, sorry. Bipedal individual."
"That's better."
"Okie dokie lokie! She's only open for about another half hour now so lets get you some new duds."
Instead of knocking this time, Pinkster opened the door and went right in. Of course it made sense seeming how it was a retail establishment open to the public during business hours.
"Wait here while I go get her ok?" Pinkie said to me. "I just want to explain what she'll be working with."
Pinkie then left the door open just a crack behind her and went inside to talk to this "Rarity" character. All I heard coming from inside the carnival ride building that would never pass building code where I come from, was the muffled sounds of the Pinkster talking to another more sophisticated sounding female voice. After just a few seconds of the two voices taking turns, the unfamiliar voice started getting louder and started sounding more excited with each exchange between the two. Suddenly, I heard what sounded like a "fangirl" squeal followed by the sound of a set of hooves galloping towards the door at full pace. I soon learned a very important lesson on the dangers of one putting their ear too close to a door with a pony sprinting over to it.
SMACK!
"Where is he then, darling?" The voice said behind the door that had just plowed into my face and tossed me to the other side. "Pinkie, you said I was going to get to make an outfit for one of those bipedal beings that Twilight told us about! I should have known you would be one to pull jokes like this. you got me all worked up for not-"
"I'm over here!" I yelled while laying in a small bush on the other side of the open door. "And I'll expect a damn good discount for my busted nose by the way!"
After a moment of awkward silence, the door slowly began to close a little bit and a white pony with a purple mane poked her head from the other side. This one had one of those twisted horns on her head and looked as if she took a lot of pride in her hairdo and was wearing toxic amounts of mascara. While I was laying in the small shrub wiping blood from my nose, the pony gave me the same blank stare that Twilight gave me before. Fainting seemed to be a popular fad today so I was expecting it to happen again. Instead, to my surprise, her eyes just lit up as if she were looking at the eighth wonder of the world.
"Oh do come in!" Rarity said as I stood up holding a handkerchief over my bloody nose. "I'll just get you measured up and while I do that I'll also try to fix that dreadful makeup on your face. That wouldn't be my choice in lipstick but I'll be more than happy to show you how to properly appl-"
"Or you can try fixing my fuckin' nose you moron!" I interrupted. "I'd rather stop this 'lipstick' from gushing outta my head!"
"Oh dear, I'm ever so sorry about that! I'll try to be quick. I can get you a new outfit made and send you to one of our friends who can help you with your nose."
Before I knew it, I was bending down going through another door, and I was inside this merry go round with a measuring tape being levitated around me.
"Hmm...ok six hooves and four trots in height..." Rarity muttered to herself giving me a sigh of relief due to a measuring system similar to what I'm used to. Seeming how I'm six feet and four inches in my world, I just put two and two together. "Aaaaand thirty-eight trots at the waist." Yup, that sounds about right. "Hmmm...I think I have all the measurements I need. Hold this towel on your face for now, dear. Uh what was your name now?"
"It's Vinnie" I replied as I applied slight pressure to my wound. "No fancy crap. I just want a casual, night on the town outfit, that's all."
"IDEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAA!"
Rarity then went over to a small table with a sewing machine on it, levitated a few stacks of fabric and started putting shit together.
Ten Minutes Later
"Well?" Rarity said to me. "What do you think?"
What at first I thought would take all day and end up postponing my night on this nice little town only took a few minutes with amazing results. I was staring at this two legged mannequin that was also not there a few minutes ago with my new outfit. It was a spiffy looking but still casual dark blue jacket with a black pair of slacks and a fedora.
"Holy shit!" I said, my bloody nose no longer bleeding completely forgotten about. "I like it!"
"I'm ever so glad you do. It's not my best work since I've never made an outfit for a human before but I'll be more than happy to try again anytime."
"I'm gonna be here for a week so you'll have plenty of time for that. how much do I owe ya, Gem?"
"Oh don't you worry about tha- Gem? Hmm, I never thought about having a nickname before but I think that suits me quite well."
"yeah I thought so too. I just noticed that everybody has these tats on their sides so I guess that works for you. I'm not planning on taking no for an answer though." I pulled out my wallet and from it I pulled out a thick wad of twenty dollar bills. "That kick ass outfit is gonna be paid for. how does five hundred sound?"
"Being the element of generosity, I will not accept any payme- what are those?"
"Ah, I keep forgetting I'm not in New York anymore. What do you guys use for currency around here?"
"BITS!" Pinkster shouted as she popped out of a box startling me and Gem. "And they look like this!"
Pinkster then tossed a coin to me to which I caught from the air. It was about the size of a nickel and It was a shiny gold and very heavy.
"Uh, is this gold?"
"Yes indeedy!"
"As in pure one-hundred percent?"
"You betcha!"
"Any businesses hiring? It'd be cool if I could get a few of these to take back home with me."
"Sugarcube corner is! We've been super busy lately because it's cider season and everypony wants some baked goods when they get sloshed."
"Sloshed? You mean to tell me you guys get drunk?"
"Yup! But only if you're old enough."
"I almost wanna say I'll be sad to leave. I could use a drink."
"Well we gotta get that shnozz fixed first. My friend Fluttershy is good at that stuff."
"Now that you mention that, it still hurts like a mother fucker. where's she at?"
"She lives in a cottage on the outskirts of town."
"Alright, sounds like a plan" I then turned to Rarity now dubbed "Gem". "Hey thanks for everything, Gem. See ya around."
"Oh you'll see me very soon" Rarity replied. "I'm about to close up shop and head right over to Sweet Apple Acres before Rainbow Dash drinks all of the cider. She gets very aggressive this time of year ever since these crooked salesponies came to town a while back so I don't want to go without a much needed drink. If you need a release, then you simply must try their cider. It's simply divine!"
"Sure, I'll check it out. Their cider foams right?"
"But of course"
"Good, because where I'm from, ponies get drunk from just eating apples. I guess they ferment in their stomachs somehow and turn into alcohol."
"Whoa hold up!" Pinkster cut in. "There are ponies in your world too?"
"Yeah, but they don't talk much and they're actually pretty boring. They're all plain colors like tan and brown." I replied. "They also tend to bite and they shit when they walk. ugh, I'm still shaking from that time when my Ma took me to a petting zoo for my fifth birthday. I didn't have a fighting chance when that thing got a hold of me."
"She sounds like a complete son of a bitch." Gem said, finally catching on to my cursing lessons with the Pinkster. "Such violent and uncouth behavior gives the civilized beings like us a bad name."
"Alright, well the more I talk, the more pain I'm bringin' on. We're cool by the way, Gem. See ya later, capiche?"
On the Outskirts Of Ponyville
"This is gonna be tricky, Vinne" Pinkie said to me as we came across a little cottage that looked like it belonged in a fairy tale on the edge of the forest. "Fluttershy is very kind but she's also a super scaredy pony."
"Aww c'mon Pinkster" I replied jokingly. "Sure I might be something she's never seen before but I'm not that scary."
"Oh it's not you, it's her."
"Really? She's that much of a wuss? I find that hard to believe."
"She's a pegasus and she's scared of heights."
"Ok, that does sound pretty weak. But can't you just do what you did at Gem's place and talk to her before you let her know I'm here?"
"I'm thinking about it but I'm still not sure she'll stick around very long. We'll have to just try it and hope for the best."
Pinkster and I then walked up to the door of this little cottage and she gave a few subtle knocks as I took a step to the side as to avoid startling this Fluttershy. The top portion of the door opened slowly just a crack and within a few seconds, the rest of the way.
"Oh hi, Pinkie" A very quiet voice said. "I though you would be at Sweet Apple Acres on a day like thi- I. Oh wait I didn't mean it like that. I wasn't trying to imply that you drink too much, I'm sorry, that came out wrong."
"Fluttershy, c'mon!" Pinkie replied. "You're acting like we just met. As long as you've known me, you should know that you can openly talk about my party habits all the fuck you want!"
"Oh ok. Thanks, Pinkie. What's a fuck though?"
At this point, still standing to the side out of fluttershy's view, I was having a hard time keeping myself from busting out in laughter. I could only cover my mouth so much due to my injured nose.
"Anyways" Pinkie continued. "I have a friend who needs your help with something."
"Oh really?" The shy one replied now sounding more enthusiastic. "What do they need help with?"
Pinkie Pie then inhaled a huge gulp of air and went on another crack rant.
"Earlier today I met one of those humans that Twilight told us about and he's stuck here until the princess comes back from her tour his name is Vinnie by the way so I took him to see Rarity to get himself a new outfit 'cause he'll be around for a week but when Rarity opened the door he got his nose smashed in and was bleeding all over the place but he really needed the new clothes even though ponies don't usually were clothes but I guess humans usually do so we got his outfit and I told him you could help bandage his nose for him and now we're here"
"Um, ooookayyyy?" Fluttershy Said. "So where is he?"
"BANG!" I yelled as I jumped out from a bush with my gun pointed in the yellow winged pony's face. If there was anything I had learned from being in my line of work for so long, was that if you were going to pull a prank and scare the shit outta somebody with a gun, take the shells out first. I had to learn that the hard way though and I was lucky to it have been a guy I was gonna snuff out anyway.
From what Pinkster had told me about her friend, I expected her to be flopping to the floor very quickly but instead stared up at me with her big teal colored eyes and her frown very slowly turned into a tiny little smile. I didn't see that coming.
"Vinnie, you asshole!" Pinkie yelled as I lowered my revolver. "I told you not to startle her! What the fuck where you thinki-"
"It's ok, Pinkie" The yellow pegasus with the light pink mane interrupted. "He just enjoys a good joke like you do. come on in, you two. I'll go get some bandages and we'll have that nose fixed in no time at all."
The next thing I knew, I was sitting on a tiny wooden stool next to a small table covered with medical supplies including gauze, scalpels, tweezers, a bottle of what I assumed was some type of antiseptic and a pissed off looking little white rabbit.
"So your name is Vinnie?" Fluttershy asked me. "That's a very nice name. So what brings you to Equestria?"
"It was a complete freak accident that I could have gone witho-OOOWWWW!"
"I'm sorry, Vinnie. I just needed to clean that with this apple alcohol. It will turn into a nasty infection if I don't."
"Alright, that's all fine and dandy but try concentrating on my nose and not my eyes. It's giving me the creeps."
A Few Minutes of Having a Pony Awkwardly Staring at My Eyes Later
"Ok, all done!" Fluttershy said as she held a mirror in front of my face. "I hope I did ok. I've never fixed a human before."
"I'll be damned" I said, very impressed with such precise work all done with big, awkward hooves. "I hardly even notice anything happened to it! Thanks a million, Doc!"
"It's no problem at all, Vin- Doc? Hmm, I like that. That can be my nickname that you and only you call me."
"Uh-huh sounds great, yo, Pinkster! lets get outta here and get wasted like we was plannin' capiche?"
"It was very nice meeting you, Vinnie. Maybe I'll see you two at Applejack's farm later."
"Sure, right right right right, we're outta here!"
A Few Steps Down The Road Later
"So what's the deal with that Fluttershy?" I asked Pinkie as we walked towards the apple farm. "Did you see how she kept spacing out when she was staring at me like that? And then she even started blushing."
"Dunno" Pinkie replied. "She's never acted like that before but I kinda think she's into you."
"Well that's a shame. She's a sweetheart and all but she's not my type. I mean really not my type, as in not my species. I don't swing that way. That's sick."
"Yeah, I'll have to think of a way to tell her that so we can let her down gently. Now let's go get shitfaced!"
"Ya know somethin', Pinkster?" I panted as we continued our "trot" towards the apple farm. "When I get outta here, I'm gonna try to quit smoking."
"I sure as shit hope so." Pinkie replied. "That stick you put in your mouth stinks! But then if you don't get to use it, you go loco in the coco. It's a vicious cycle."
"I'm sorry I brought that up. How much further?"
"There it is! Sweet Apple Acres!"
Pinkster pointed with her hoof at a huge field full of apple trees in an enormous fenced in area and a large wooden sign that read "Sweet Apple Acres". It was the orchard where I was hoping to get myself some hard cider and a little bit blitzed while I was at it.
"Howdy, Pinkie!" A hillbilly-like voice said to my comrade. It was a voice that reminded me of this time I burried a stiff near this backwater little town upstate. Every damn time the locals would open their mouths to talk, I had to resist the urge to belt them upside the face with the tire iron I kept in the trunk of the caprice. This one was no different.
"Hey, Applejack!" Pinkster replied to an orange pony wearing this stupid friggin' stetson hat trotting towards both of us.
"And you must be Vinnie!" The freckle faced equine said with a friendly tone but a nasty drawl. "Mah friend Rarity told me all about y'all."
Damn you, Gem.
This Applejack then got behind me and started pushing me over to the cider stand.
"C'mon now, don't be like Fluttershy." She said as she pushed me towards the stand with the top of her head. She must think she's a goat.
"let's hurry up and get me wasted, Jackie." I said impatiently. "The more you talk, the more I wanna choke the lif-"
"Jackie?" The hick pony said as she pushed me as hard as she could, tossing me a good ten feet forward to where I nearly landed flat on my face. "Huhuhuh. Ah've never been called that before. Ah like that!"
"If you weren't supplying me with booze, I'd splatter you."
I didn't like this Applejack. Call it judging a book by the cover or what have you but there was just something about hillbillies that gave me the urge to inflict bodily harm on somebody. After all, I spent most of my life in the biggest city in America so I never really could understand rednecks. Those hicks with their huge loud trucks with big pipes in the sides, carrying their bottles of brown spit water with them. Ugh, and I have yet to meet one who still has all of their teeth. I'm surprised that Rarity girl is friends this this one.
After I got back up to my feet and dusted myself off, I had just began to notice that there were ponies...EVERYWHERE! Not one square foot as far as I could see was pony free. It looked to me like the entire "town" had showed up to get hammered. Aside from the ups and downs of this place, these creatures were starting to seem more and more badass by the minute. I'll just have to get used to this hillbilly creep. It's just for a week though, right?
"You see, Bonbon?" A light green unicorn pony said while pointing her hoof at me to a so called "earth" pony. "That's what I'm *urp* talking about! it's just. Uhhh. It's so cool how he ca- *urp* Walk on just two legs and stuff."
"I think you've had enough, Lyra" the pony with the pink and blue mane replied. "let's get you home before you fall over again."
"I don't wanna! If I had legs like like that, I *hic* wouldn't have that pro- *urp* -blem!"
"Here ya go, Vinnie!" Jackie said as she hoofed over a large mug of foaming cider to me. "Pinkie's got this covered so the first one's on her."
Without any hesitation, I took the mug and drank the contents as fast as I could gulp them down. At first, I was expecting it to be weak but I ended up finding that I may have gulped a bit more than I should have. It was actually some pretty strong shit.
"How do ya like them apples?" Jackie asked me as I stood there to try to mentally process the strength of what I had just drank.
"Uhh" I stumbled with my words. "It's not half bad, Jackie. Just gimme a minute to gather myself and I'll take another rou-"
"Hey, Rainbow!" Jackie yelled over into the crowd. "Ya gotta meet Vinnie here! c'mon over!"
Suddenly, a pegasus rose up out of the crowd and turned over to face me and Jackie. It was a cyan blue pony with a mane of several different colors all arranged like a rainbow. As she was hovering there, she was swaying around a bit so I figured she was probably already buzzed. She continued to stare at me for a moment and suddenly bolted over to me as fast as I could blink an eye and stopped on a dime. So there I was just trying to enjoy a drink to be stared down by a drunken pegasus with eyes as bloodshot as mine were when I experimented with reefer in my teenage years. Lucky for her, I was already a little bit doped myself otherwise I would have smashed her face in out of reflex. I never did like anybody getting all up in my face. It never ended well for them.
"You wanna get outta my face?" I said to the drunken mare. "Because you're about to get yours re-arranged."
In return to my threat, the pony then backed up a few inches, began tearing up and burst out into hard laughter.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You *hic* should have seen the look on your face!" The pegasus said to me. "you just *urp* you looked like you were gonna pound my head in!"
"I just told you I was close to it" I replied.
"I'm Rainbow Dash by the way. And you must be that 'bipedal individual' that Pinkie told me about." she said, apparently mocking the term I preferred.
"Vinnie. So how many mugs do you need to get as crazy as you are?"
"Ha! I'm just being myself! I've only had one of these! if you think I'm crazy now, you should stick around to see how crazy I ca-"
"Is that a challenge? 'Cause I accept."
Suddenly, a hush fell over the crowd of ponies standing in line to get sloshed. They were soon all whispering among themselves and some of them even started placing some of their coins on the ground. For their financial sake, those bets better be getting placed on me.
"Pinkie! Fluttershy!" Rainbow Dash yelled. "A table and two chairs! pronto!"
The sweet yellow pony who fixed my nose earlier, and the crazy pink one I'd been hanging out with then rushed over with the outdoor furniture Rainbow Dash demanded and placed them in front of us.
"Big Mac!" she yelled again. "Get a barrel of cider and two mugs over here! Move it!"
"Eeyup." a big red stallion replied as he dropped a wooden barrel about the size of himself next to the table.
The badass pegasus I was about to humiliate was actually turning out to be worthy competition with the Pinkster when it came to being my favorite pony. Her attitude proved to be pretty tough. She even gave the red stallion a firm smack on his ass as he began to trot away.
"Alright, tough-guy" Rainbow Dash said to me. "You brought this on yourself so I'll assume you know how this works."
"I'd be insulted if you didn't, Cloud Speed." I replied.
There was just something about this punk's attitude and swagger that reminded me of this guy named Claude who worked as a wheel-man for the don a few years back. Pinkster and I had learned a lot from each other in the almost full day I've been in town. She taught me about the so called "cutie marks" on their flanks so I felt that the colorful lightning bolt coming out of a cloud along with the way she carried herself would make the nickname stick. She then poured two mugs of cider from the valve on the barrel and hoofed one over to me.
"Alright, Vinnie" she said, leering at me. "Before I make you look like a wuss in front of everypony, I wanna ask you for a favor."
"What was that, Cloud Speed?" I replied as I set down my now empty mug. "I couldn't hear you over the big mug of cider I just gulped down while you were yapping."
"I want you to remind me to ask my parents why they didn't make that my name!" She then polished her mug off in one gulp.
"Oh it's on now, motherfucker!"
A Few Drinks Later
"So uhh. where did you say you were from again?" The buzzed Rainbow Dash sitting accross from me asked as I finished my fifth mug.
"I lived all of my *BUUURRRAAAAP!* adult life in Manhattan but i'm one hundred percent Italian!"
"Don't you mean Manehatten?"
"Just shut up and fall over already!"
"Huhuhuh, you asked for it, pal! Prepare for extreme failure!"
A Few More Drinks Later
"So what's the deal with all these fuckin' yellow sparkles on the floor around everypony's hoofs?" I slurred as Cloud finished another mug.
"Uhh. bets! Yeah that's it. They bets on who wins in winning this shit." she replied.
"Aww shit, did I really just say that?"
"Say wha?"
"Everypony. Fuck, I've been here too damn long. Hey gi-gimme another cider o' that fuckin' hit will ya?"
Even More Drinks Later
"Heyyyy, Maaaac!" Cloud Speed yelled. "Are you keeping numbers?"
"Am ah what?" The red guy replied.
"How many mugs are we on? I forgeted."
"Thirteen."
"Then get your flank over here! I need to smack it for good luck! I'm about to lose my title of not beated!"
"Yo, cloud" I slurred. "Ya know what?"
"What?" She replied.
"Now, I'm not Irish"
"Uhh ok, and?"
"Yeah, I'm not. I'm originally from *hic* Italy. Ya see, we don't gots us drinking ages there. I'm a super seasoned drinkin' veteran, so I ain't plannin' on losing to a hamburger!"
"Are you gonna get to the point or am I gonna have t-Mac! I could really use your flank right about now! I'll do anything ya want next time we's alone in the *hic* barn!"
Several Exchanges Of Inaudible Dialogue Later
"Whadda fuck you callin' me?" I slurred in my drunken stupor.
"I says you's a-uhh." The blitzed Cloud speed replied. "I don rememur."
"Ahhhh, dammit..." I groaned as I woke up with a massive headache. "What the hell did I do last night?"
I had apparently been sleeping on a hard surface all night as my head wasn't the only thing of mine that was in pain. I'm not very far from being fifty years old so my back has seen better days. As I slowly got up to my feet, bent backwards to straighten my sore back out, I patiently waited for my eyesight to return so I could find out where I was in the first place.
"Hey, look who's up!" A friendly sounding feminine voice said behind me as I struggled to stay on my feet. "I told you fun is guaranteed when you hang out with Pinkie."
I turned around to see the purple so called "alicorn" who ran the library, first as a blur but coming in more clearly as my eyesight fully returned.
"Oh, hey Sparks." I greeted. "Yeah I can actually go back to my world and say that I partied with ponies. But for my own sake I'd better not tell people that or I might end up in a psych ward."
"Yikes! They would put you away just for saying that?"
"And they wouldn't think twice about it. Things are a bit too, uhh...well "real" where I come from so a story about a guy drinking with colorful talking equines isn't too believable. Was I sleeping on the floor or something?"
"Um, you were on the sofa last time I checked. You must have rolled off it last night. So, um anyways...I hope you don't mind but if you have time, I'd really like to ask you a bunch of questions about your world and what it's like there. I did once go through a portal to a human high school but was only there for three days."
"Can that wait till after I take a piss? Where's the bathroom in this joint?"
"Oh, right. Just go up the stairs and it's the first door on the left."
"Thanks, Sparks. I'll be right back."
As I made my way up the stairs, I noticed the little purple dragon I'd met before on some sort of loft on the other side of the building poking the still asleep Cloud Speed with a broomstick. I couldn't hear him but I can read lips quite well and I though he was angrily muttering some of the new words I brought to town. As I took a few more steps, a sudden realization hit me. These ponies have bathrooms? A creature that in my world shits while they walk, has a designated facility for the purpose of doing their business? I found the door I was looking for and went in expecting the place to be filthy. I was wrong again as I found that the room was pleasantly scented and completely spotless from the bathtub all the way to the low-set toilet.
After getting completely wasted last night, it was only to be expected that I would need to relieve myself. I finished up, washed my hands in the little sink with this bar of soap that smelled of cake and went back down stairs to tell Sparks what she wanted to know about my world. I figured since I actually had fun with these ponies, I could at least let one of them interview me. Cloud Speed was just starting to stir in that basket she was sleeping in as Spike's poking her with the broom along with his language was getting more aggressive. I reached the bottom of the stairs, plopped my ass on the sofa and Sparks retrieved a clipboard and a pencil from a desk hovering the two objects in her glowing aura. She then trotted towards me and sat down on a little wooden stool.
"Vinnie, thanks a bunch for agreeing to this." She said to me. "Coming from a place where ponies don't even talk, I understand how it must feel weird having one asking you a ton of questions."
"It's cool, Sparks." I replied. "So, whadda ya wanna know?"
"Well first off, what type of setting did you come from? Like, was your area rural or urban?"
"New York City, kid! I lived right in the heart of Manhattan!" I answered loud and proud.
"I see. What would you say if I told you that there's a city on the Eastern coast of Equestria called Manehatten?"
"You're shittin' me! so when we was drinking last night, Cloud Speed wasn't just spoutin' a bunch of horse shit?" I then slapped my knee and chuckled at the stupid pun I had just made.
"I wanna say no? Actually, that's another thing I wanted you to tell me more about. All those words we've never heard before. Can you explain them to me?"
"I would, Sparks but I think the Pinkster could help you understand them better than I could. I gotta hand it to her, the kid's a quick learner."
"That's fine, I'll keep a note on that. So, what are your family and friends like?"
"Honestly, I don't have any. I was an only child. My Pa was a general manager for an auto parts store chain but he was killed in an accident involving a five hundred pound engine block and a forklift when I was just a little boy. My Ma never remarried and brought me up by herself. God bless that woman, she passed away when I was in my late thirties and I was left with nobody but the scum I worked fo- are you crying?"
"Oh, I'm sorry Vinnie. It's just, well...that's just very sad. You may not have had much immediate family but didn't you at least have any friends you could turn to?"
"Not a one. I guess I was kinda close with my boss, but I question that sometimes. He would try to act like he cared about me but I could see right through his fake-ass smile. I was startin' to think he was a two-faced fuckball before I left anyways."
"Oh I see. If you don't mind me asking, what did you do for a living?"
"Heheheh. I was kinda hoping you wouldn't but I might as well just spill it, and believe it or not, that's kinda how I ended up getting dragged into this world. When I turned eighteen, I tried working at a store for the same company my Pa worked for. Ya know, like kinda following in his steps. At first, it was just fine. I worked there full time, the hourly wage was decent and I got along with my co-workers just fine. After two and a half years, I was even being groomed for a promotion when the assistant manager retired."
"That doesn't sound so bad. Why would you not want to talk about that?"
"'Cause that's just the start of it. It all goes down hill from here. That promotion I was entitled to came to a halt when the general manager at the time got injured and she had to leave the company. The new manager they replaced her with went and denied me my promotion, cut me down to part time and hired a new assistant who didn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. I loved my job up until that time. This guy was a complete fuckin' asshole and would always call me out on what he thought were mistakes on my part right in front of co-workers and customers. I think the boss lady was blowin' him so she never did anything about it. Finally the shit hit the fan when he started talking shit about the one thing that meant the world to me. My mother."
"Oh my goodness. What happened next?"
"The way I was brought up, I was taught that you don't talk shit about a guy's mother and get away with it. The day I lost that job was also the day I was arrested for the first time. I completely lost my mind and went out to the parking lot to get a baseball bat I kept in my car, went back into the store, came up behind this prick, busted his knees and smacked him around a bit more when he was down."
"Oh, wow. Um, what did you, uhh. oh my..."
"Trust me Sparks, I don't wanna make you uncomfortable. I'm just telling you like it was. As I got older, my temper mellowed out quite a bit. Also, you and I are cool so don't worry about that."
"Oh that's great, Vinnie! That you learned to control yourself better, I mean. So, what did you do after you, um...released your anger on this other guy?"
"I set his car on fire, took a seat on the curb and waited for the cops to show up. I knew there was no getting away from that so I just didn't bother trying to go anywhere. Then this guy who happened to be a friend of my dad heard about my arrest and bailed me outta jail and I somehow never got taken to court or did any more time. That's where my new career started."
"Oh? And what type of career was that?"
There was no going back or trying to change the subject at this point. I then looked my interviewer right in the eye to tell her my horrible life story.
"Now Sparks, I want you to listen to me very carefully and try your best to understand all this. You're not gonna like what I'm about to tell you but I've left that life behind and plan on leaving it there for good. From that point, after I was bailed out of the city lockup, the guy Louie who was a friend of my dad's offered me a job with the Zeppargonni mafia. A mafia is an organized crime gang. I did a lot of shit I'm not proud of when I worked for them and would give up anything to have gone back and erased it. I robbed, stole, smuggled and even killed other humans and got paid to do it."
I was still looking her in the eye and had just told her of the horrible things I had done in my life. she was looking me right back and her eyes started to shed a few tears. I thought for sure that I was no longer going to be welcome with these ponies who had treated me so well every second I had been here but it did feel like I had dropped a thousand pounds off my shoulders.
"But before you pass your own judgment on me..." I continued. "Just know that that's how I ended up here. I quit that job 'cause It was making me sick, the things I had to do. My plan was to start over and make an honest liv-"
"Vinnie?" Sparks quietly interrupted. "I think it would be in the best interest of both of us if I hugged you. Would you be okay with that?"
I didn't see that coming. Instead of telling me to get out and sleep on the streets, this kind, wonderful creature wanted to offer me her friendship. I couldn't help it anymore. As tough as I always thought I was, I couldn't keep myself from breaking down in tears as she extended a fore-hoof out to me. In response to that, I embraced her in a hug with my head on her shoulder and started sobbing like a little baby. For the first time in my life, I had someone or somepony I could call a true friend.
"Get the fuck out of my bed, Rainbow Bitch!" Spike yelled, interrupting my sappy and potentially life changing moment.
Soon after the irate reptile shouted the obscenities, a ruckus could be heard on the second floor followed by the finally awake Rainbow Dash, now dubbed Cloud Speed crashing down off the loft, hitting the floor with a solid thud.
"Spike!" Sparks yelled in apparent disapproval. "I told you before, when she's had a lot of cider, she takes longer to wake up!"
"Not my problem!" Spike retorted.
Naturally, Cloud was pretty sore and hung over and now she just got dropped a good dozen feet or so so she would of course need some time to recover...or so I thought.
"Vinnie!" Cloud exclaimed. "That. Was. Awesome! You held your liquor way better than I thought you would. Though you didn't beat me, you were the first to ever be a worthy competitor!"
"Aw shit, I lost?" I replied as Cloud got up to her hooves and walked towards me with a fore-hoof extended.
"Yeah, but so what? You were so close to beating me that I decided to call it a draw and split the bets I er- we won, fifty-fifty! Respect!"
"You're shitting me! How much did that turn out to be?!"
"Eh, not a whole lot. Each of us get about four hundred bits. You're supposed to make a fist and bump my hoof by the way."
Upon hearing what Cloud told me, I couldn't help but freeze up for a moment as my mind went numb at the fact that in just under a week, I would be returning home a very rich man. The only thing I could physically get myself to do was offer my fist to my new buddy and oblige to her "hoof bump".
"Uh, Vinnie?" Sparks said. "You've got a little, um. You're starting to, uh. Here, I'll get that. Hold still." She then proceeded to levitate a tissue to my face to wipe some drool away.
"Ah, my bad, Sparks." I said. "Cloud here basically just told me that I'll be set for life when I get home. One bit worth of gold here is like two grand where I'm from. If I get a couple hundred or so more, I'll be the richest sonuvabitch around!"
"It's kind of a shame you're not sticking around forever." Sparks giggled. "Everypony really enjoys having you here."
"It's cool, I got plenty of time to chill with ya's at the end of a workday but I kinda wanna find a part time job if I'm gonna succeed when I get outta here."
"Alright, Vinnie. If you insist. I believe Applejack needs some extra help at her farm. Cider season is in full swing and you could earn a few bits for the road at Sweet Apple Acres."
"Oh you mean that hick pony who supplied the booze? Yeah, at first I thought she was annoying as fuck but I guess she ain't so bad. Do I owe her anything? I drank a shit ton of her cider."
"Actually, Pinkie covered your first mug and Applejack said that the show you and Rainbow Dash put on promoted so much business that she wanted to pay you!"
"See ya later, I'll be back by dark, thanks for the hugs!"
After running out, slamming the door without saying another word to my...friend, I made my way to the apple orchard to try to get some more dough to bring home with me. I wasn't really thinking about it at first but on my way there, I felt kinda bad that I just up and ran outta the joint like that. I'm sure she'd understand though. Also, it was nice to just take a leisurely stroll in the nice country setting without a bunch of toothless inbreds telling me that they "don't like my type 'round here". Sure she had that God awful drawl but that Jackie wasn't so bad now that I thought of it. I really did benefit from getting smashed and she is helping make me rich after all. How could I dislike somebody like that? Shit, going soft again, snap out of it. Just here for a week and the hug meant nothing. Ah who am I kidding, that was the nicest thing that ever happened to me.
Luckily for me and the ponies here, I managed to use my cigarettes sparingly and since I came here with a full pack just the other day, I still manged to have seventeen left. Doing the math, I figured if I had one more for the day, I could find the right balance between keeping my sanity and not running out too quick. Since I had cut back so much, I caught myself doing something I hadn't since I got up to the average of a pack per day. I was power-walking to the orchard.
"If only quitting were that easy." I said to myself as I slowed down to light one up.
It didn't take me much longer to get there since I got a pretty quick start at first. I came to the same fenced in field I saw the day before where there was a tiny little yellow pony with a red mane and a little bow tied to her standing at the wooden cider stand. I'm not gonna lie, the sight was adorable. I then proceeded to lay a firm smack on my own face. Tough guys aren't supposed to find anything to be cute.
"Excuse me, kid?" I said to the young filly. "Can you tell me where Jac- er Applejack is at?"
"Why howdy there!" The friendly filly replied. "Mah big sister's in that field over yonder! An' you must be Vinnie! She told me you did some advertisin' fer us yesterday! Thanks a bunch! Ah can't wait til ah'm old enough ta drink cider like y'all!"
"Heheh, take it from a guy who knows, kid. Overdoing it isn't all fun and games. Especially when you puke all over somebody wearing a blue uniform and a badge. It's a big hassle when ya gotta get a friend to bail you out and then you'll have to call hits on people who don't know who you work for. It's a bitch to deal with unless you know how to handle yourself."
"Ah'll keep that in mind, mister! Ah'm Applebloom by the way!"
"Nice to meet ya, kiddo. Stay in school, capiche?"
"Hey there, lookie who it is!" Jackie said as she noticed me walking towards her and the red stallion who Cloud Speed had harassed the other day. "Thanks fer comin' back, Vinnie! Ya met mah big brother, Big Macintosh ain't ya?"
"Uh, kinda" I replied. "I noticed that Clo- er. Rainbow Dash seems to have it in for you." I said mockingly to the big red guy.
"Eeyup" Big Mac replied.
"Yah haven't told her ta quit hittin' on yah yet?" Jackie said to Mac, sounding angry. "She's one of mah best friends, Mac! Yah can't go on lettin' her comin' on ta yah like that! It ain't right!"
"Lil' sis, it's hardly mah fault that all the mares 'round here like me s'much."
"Hey, Jackie" I interrupted. "You probably should have told him that before him and the Pinkster disappeared into that barn over there yesterday."
"Big mac, I oughtta kick yah all the way ta Canter-"
"I totally made that up, Jackie! Chill out!"
"Alright, alright, ah'm calm. Anyhow, yah wanna earn some extra bits? I wanted ta give ya a hundred fer promotin' mah cider stand and Big Mac is done totin' the cart 'round fer the day. How does twenty more each hour sound?"
"Eeyup" Mac interrupted as he was galloping away. "Gotta call it quits fer the day and save mah energy fer Dashie!" He then acted like a typical sibling by mockingly sticking out his tongue at Jackie and sprinted out of sight.
"He'd better be just messin' with me. It just feels so weird an' awkward knowin' that some of mah closest friends wanna fool 'round with mah brother. Anyhow Vinnie, Ifn' yah could grab hold o' that wheel barrow over yonder and hold it under each tree while I buck 'em, I'd be mighty appreciative."
In my working career, the only blue collar job I ever had was when I worked for Prix auto parts and even then, it was mostly cushy hours with lots of paper work. For the most part, I didn't care to get into manual labor but if I'm gonna come outta this a millionaire, I'm not above getting my hands dirty. It would probably be better than holding onto a blood stained ice pick anyway.
"Alright, Jackie. I'm on it" I said cheerfully as I firmly grasped the handles on the already half full wagon and hoisted it up.
CRACK!
"What'n the hay was that, Vinnie?" Jackie asked as she turned around to see me frozen on the spot. "Yah bent yer legs when yah lifted that, right?"
"You really should be more careful when you lift something that heavy, Vinnie." The shy Doc said as she stood on my back and popped it back into place. "Bending your legs usually helps."
"So I've been OW! told" I replied "Sorry Jackie, but this really isn't AHH! for me. As much as I'd like to have the extra bits, it's not worth putting myself in a wheelchair. At my age OOOOH! I gotta take it easy. Thanks for the opportunity though, kid."
"Aw shucks, Vinnie" Jackie replied. "Don't y'all worry about a thing, yah hear? Ah can't expect yah ta be goin' and hurtin' yerself. Ah'm just glad it wasn't worse than it turned out ta b-"
"Horsefeathers!" An old, light green mare yelled out from the Apple family farm house. "When Ah was that age, Ah was liftin' a dozen of them things at a time till the roosters crowed the next mornin'!"
"Take yer nap, Granny!" Jackie yelled back.
"You're alright, Jackie!" I said. "And Doc, thanks a million for helping me again. I'd be mangled and all kinds of fucked up without ya."
"I'm glad I could be of help, Vinnie" Doc replied. "And if your back is still sore, I'd be more than happy to escort you back to Twilight's library."
"That's sweet of ya, Doc. I just want you to do one more thing for me though."
"Sure, what's that?"
"Promise me you won't act all creepy like you did before, will ya?"
"Oh, sorry about that, Vinnie. It's just that time of year but It's over for me now."
"Uh, I'll pretend I know what you're talking about and just leave it at that. Let's go, Doc."
"And that's how I ended up getting sucked into this world." I said to the shy Doc as I told her the same thing I had told my new friend Sparks. "I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of."
"We all have, Vinnie." Doc replied. "Everypony deserves a second chance."
"Oh I couldn't agree more but some of the stuff I did involved taking other lives. Sure they were all scum themselves but that's really not something that you can easily shrug off."
"Well, are you truly sorry about those things and truly have the desire to change?"
"Not a day goes by without me feeling remorse, Doc."
"Like I said, we all make mistakes, some worse than others, but I have always believed that anypony can change. Why, that attitude even helped me reform Discord."
"Never heard of him, but thanks so much for being understanding."
As we continued our walk down the dirt path that lead back to the town, Doc and myself proceeded to learn much more about each other's worlds and our backgrounds. Mine of course was much different than Fluttershy's but just like my talk with her purple counterpart, we both shared a few laughs and even a few tears. We stopped a few times here and there to rest my sore back for a few minutes and once to light up a smoke and not one moment of our walk down the trail went without us sharing our thoughts. Thoughts as detailed as our hopes and dreams broadening all the way to about life in general. As we slowly but surly neared Ponyville, we were then joined by a familiar, very friendly face.
"Hey, Vinnie!" The Pinkster exclaimed as she came bouncing towards me and the Doc. "Long time no see, dickhead! I feel like it's been forever!"
"Jeez, Pinkster" I chuckled. "We hung out a bunch just yester-"
"FORRRREEEEVVVEEERRR!"
"Calm your ass down kid, we got plenty of time to hang out. How about ya tag along with us? We're heading to Sparks' place."
"Okie dokie lokie! Hey, why are you walking like that?"
"Eh, I fucked up my back lifting a cart of apples. I'll be alright"
"yikes! Didn't you bend your knees?"
"Knees?" The doc repeated, sounding confused. "What's that?"
"These joints in my legs." I clarified. I don't know what you call yours but that's what two-legged beings call 'em. Pinkie and I learned a lot from each other."
"Hey you, slowpokes!" Another familiar voice called out from above.
"Hey Dash!" Pinkster replied. "Whatcha doing?"
"Being awesome as always" Cloud Speed replied. "Yo Vinnie, I thought you were gonna earn some bits for the road working for Applejack"
"Heh heh, yeah I know" I sheepishly replied. "I made the mistake of lifting a cart without bend-"
"Vincenzo, Darling!" Gem cheerfully called out as she daintily made her trademark ladylike trot towards the rest of us. "It's so nice to see you again! How do you like your outfit?"
"Hey, Gem!" I replied, returning the cheerful tone. "I love this suit, really. I especially like the feel of the fabric. I almost feel like I could fall asleep in it sober."
"Hey y'all!" Jackie greeted as she came from behind us on the trail.
"Holy shit, Jackie!" I said in disbelief. "Me and Doc have been walking for like half an hour! Did you sprint the whole way here?"
"Uh actually Vinnie, Ah finished workin' not too long ago an' started headin' to Twi's place. Ah was actually takin' mah sweet time trottin' down the road. Yah must've been goin' at a snail's pace."
So there I was slowly working my way back to Ponyville with five ponies who were quickly becoming good friends of mine. The only friends I ever had, really. After a little encouragement from Doc, I proceeded to tell the rest of them my life's story to which they all listened to very intently. When it came to their time to throw in their own two bits, they all reacted much the same as Sparks did when I told her my story back at the library. The more we all talked and the more laughs and tears we all shared on this walk that I can almost say I didn't want to end, the more attached to these mares I was getting. Getting too emotionally close to anypony was originally what I wanted to avoid at all cost, but I started thinking that my new-found concept that is friendship was actually turning out to be alright.
As nice as it was to enjoy the company of my new friends, there was still a fact that I couldn't deny or ignore no matter what. I'm a human in a world full of ponies. I have a place where I belong but the cold truth is that this place isn't it. Sure, I can spend a week here but not the rest of my life. Really though, I mean I may be over the hill but at forty-six I'd still miss pulling that massive barge I call an automobile over next to a working girl on Broadway for "a good time". Oh and that car. I'm starting to miss it already. A 1994 Chevy Caprice Model 9C1 former NYPD interceptor with a 350 cubic inch V8 and high flow air intake for that extra kick. I got sick of riding in the back of those so I nicked a nice one from the police station parking lot, scratched the serial numbers off and changed the plates and paint job.
Alright, I guess I'm getting a bit off topic here but my point is, I still need to stick with my original plan and get back to New York so I can leave to another place in the universe I came from. My pony friends on the other hoof, seemed to be forgetting this which actually made me feel horrible. They took me in and befriended me despite my misdeeds and I was just gonna ditch them? I had a lot to think about but I needed to take my time with it. I still really wanted to get a part time job to get some extra gold to take home. As that thought crossed my mind, I drew a blank trying to think of places where I could find temporary employment and still have some free time with my new friends in between. I almost gave up trying to think of any local businesses looking for help until a certain friend of mine jogged my memory.
"You know, Vinnie" Pinkster said to me. "Working at Sugarcube Corner would probably be a lot easier than all that back breaking work Applejack would have for you."
"Ah Shit!" I yelled as I face-palmed myself. "I forgot all about that, Pinkster! If the owners are looking for help, we'll be co-workers first thing tomorrow morning!"
"So, Vinnie." The yellow stallion who owned Sugarcube Corner began as he interviewed me for the job. "How much experience do you have in baking?"
"Well, I actually got into it at an early age." I replied. "I really got a kick outta making muffins when I was about seven years old. not very long after that, I started working with anything you could think of."
It was all true. Being a mob hitman never stopped me from locking the doors and closing the blinds at my place, putting on my favorite apron and baking stuff until I got too buzzed on wine to stand up. As long as I have been doing that, my mother and myself were the only ones who knew about that until she passed. In order to preserve my image as a tough guy, I couldn't let the fellas I worked with to find out or I'd be branded as a sissy for life.
"Excellent." The Blue mare with the pink and not to mention, incredibly fucked up looking mane replied. "How are you with working under the pressures of high customer volume during busy seasons?"
"Lady, you're talking to a guy who worked at a fifteen million dolla-er bit a year auto par- I mean, uh cart parts store in one of the biggest cities in the country I'm from. On top of that, I was the best salesman the joint ever saw and will ever see again."
There's a place and time for everything but this wasn't the one to mention that I was a criminal. That did mean that I dealt with pressure though. Evading law enforcement wasn't exactly a walk in Central Park.
"Hey, I like your can-do attitude there, guy." The yellow one said. "How does twelve bits an hour sound?"
"I say ya got yourself a fuckin' deal!" I answered as I rose to my feet and made a fist to bump his hoof.
"Great! We need all the help we can get this time of year. We'll have you start right now. Pinkie will be training you."
Who woulda thought a guy could drop F-bombs during a job interview and still get hired? I actually wasn't sure about how that stunt would end up when I thought about it before, but really I started swearing up a storm just for the sake of finding out if I could. Shit, I still can't believe I did that.
"Vinnie!" Pinkster exclaimed as I entered the kitchen to put on an apron and start work. "Congrats on getting the job!"
"Well Pinkster" I replied. "It really helps out when you have connections. Trust me, I know all about that kinda shit."
"Neato. Well, we're really swamped with orders right now so lets get to it! I'll show you how much butter to grease the baking pans up with and then I'll talk you through the steps on rolling crusts for pi-"
"Done!" I said as I pulled a pan of cupcakes out of the oven I put together while Pinkster was chatting. "What's next?"
Pinkster just stood there looking at me with her jaw literally on the floor. Being a pony who seemed capable of nearly breaking the fourth wall, I didn't expect this to be such a surprise to her. A talking horse who could hold onto even the smallest of objects with a non cloven hoof or pull a beach ball outta thin air was flabbergasted by my ability to bake a dozen cupcakes as fast as I had.
"Holy shit!" She shouted out of disbelief. "That's fucking incredible! Do you think you could do that again?"
"I could do it while blindfolded and drunk with the my hands cuffed behind my back!"
"We've got a line of hungry, hammered ponies stretching all the way to the outskirts of town! I'll head the counter and you man the kitchen! Let's go!"
Four Hours Later
"Discord all fuckin' mighty!" I said as the last customer, who happened to be Cloud Speed stumbled out of the building. "I hadn't seen a rush like that since this one time I had nine squad cars and two choppers on my ass!"
"Ahahaha! Silly futher mucker!" Cloud slurred as she struggled to keep from falling over. "You can't chop yer ass off! Dat's stupid!"
"Go back to sleep, punk!" I said jokingly as I whipped a cupcake at her so hard that it stuck in her eye. "You're lucky I'm a vegetarian!"
Another one of my "sissy secrets" that I wouldn't have wanted my associates to know about. Unless one really got me pissed off, I always liked animals and could never for the life of me get myself to hurt one. That always kept me from wanting to eat any. I coulda made a bundle as a circus freak. The only Italian guy in the whole friggin' world who is a vegetarian.
"Vinnie, you're a riot!" Pinkster laughed. "You just forced her to make a pinkie promise!"
"Good one, Pinkster!" I replied as I offered my fist for a bump. "Hey, once we're done with our break and I finish this cigarette, I'll show ya how to make these canolis I told ya about. You'll love 'em."
"So what's all the hubbub over those cigarettes? What makes you want them even though they stink so bad?"
"Eh, some kinda pesticide called nicotine they put in it. As soon you smoke a couple of these, the tobacco company has just made ya their bitch."
"I dunno why, but that sounds kinda fun. Can I try one?"
"Whoa there, kid! The few days I've been here, you've become my friend and I honestly wouldn't wish this curse on my worst enemy. There's no way I'm gonna let that happen to you!"
"That bad, huh?"
"It's the worse thing you could do to yourself. Come to think of it, with all the sweets I've been eating lately, I'm shocked I haven't gotten diabetes. Although, I was a bit too thin when I got here so the few pounds I put on shouldn't hur-"
"It's been 2 years and I'm calling you tab, Hoity Toity!" The Owner, Mr. Cake said as he was arguing with a gray stallion with a white mane wearing purple aviators. "Either pay what you owe or you get no service!"
"Mr. Cake, I don't think you understand who you are dealing with" The asshole replied. "With just one letter to some powerful ponies like myself, I can have this place shut down. Now you just be a good little colt and get me one of those fritt-ACK!"
"You heard him, chump!" I shouted in the pony's face with my hand on his throat. "Unless you wanna end up six hooves under with an ice pick in your eye, I suggest ya pony up what you owe! Capiche?"
"B-b-but, uhm, y-you got me all wrong, my good sir!" The scared stallion answered. "It was all in good fun you know just a joke you see I-I-I was just paying a visit to m-my good friend Mr. Cake here and I was planning on pa-"
Blam!
To show this already terrified prick I meant business, I pulled out my .38 and fired it into the air causing the rest of his coat to turn as white as his mane. He then responded by tossing a huge bag of bits onto the counter and bolted outta the store whimpering like a little bitch.
"Now you be a good little colt and tell everypony who owes money here what just happened!" I yelled as he ran outta sight.
"Well I'll be dipped in shit!" Mr. Cake said. "He left a pretty good tip on his way out. That's a first."
"In the other line of work I was in that I may or may not have told ya about, that's how we get two-bit shitbags like him to pay up. Although, the example ya just saw was foal's play compared to what I usually woulda done."
"Well if those tactics work, you could be one of the best things that's ever happened to our business!"
"If you think that now, wait till I show you how to make canolis. To the kitchen!"
A Comic Book Style Transition Later
"And done!" I exclaimed as I pulled a fresh batch of my favorite pastry out of the oven. "Mares and gentlecolts, what you're looking at here is a one-way ticket to the top floor of your own corporate skyscraper! Who wants to try one first?"
"Ooh! me me me me me!" Pinkster chanted with a hoof in the air.
Upon taking a bite of the crispy crust of chocolate filled deliciousness, Pinkster's pupils dilated until they completely filled her eyes. She continued to stare intently at the canoli in her hoof for several seconds without saying anything. I then waved my hand in front of her face and still got no response.
"Everypony, I swear I did not put any uppers in these treats." I said, starting to get worried about Pinkster. "I'm sure she'll be alright as soon as we find a bucket and spla-"
"Where has this been all my life?!" Pinkster screamed at the top of her lungs as she inhaled the rest of her pastry and bolted out the door. "Hey everypony! There's a new treat on the menu! Come get some!"
No sooner did Pinkster finish her rant outside the store did the floor start shaking.
"Is this area known for earthquakes?" I asked Mr. Cake.
"Nope, but it is known for stampedes from time to time" My new employer replied. "Brace yourself"
End Chapter 10
Chapter 11: Apple Punch, Shootaloo and Sweetie Bomb
Chapter 11: Apple Punch, Shootaloo and Sweetie Bomb
"Yo, Pinkster" I said to my new co-worker as I walked out the door of the bakery for the night, a heavy briefcase full of bits in hand. "Same time tomorrow?"
"Unless everypony is still wasted in the morning then same time tomorrow!" She replied
I then made my way back to the library where I was to be staying during my time here. Out of all the friends I made here, I noticed that I was hanging out with sparks the least. Seeming how she's the one who really opened my eyes to the great things this world has to offer, I felt bad about it and even considered taking the day off tomorrow to do just that.
Even with a case full of gold weighing at the very least fifty pounds, the walk back to the library was still quite short. On the first couple of days, before entering the tree I would knock on the door but at this point, I was coming and going all the time and It wasn't like I was a stranger around there anymore. Upon walking in I was baffled to see Twilight Sparks sitting at a desk in the corner observing what looked like a cigarette with a magnifying glass. I regularly took inventory of what I had left in my box and carefully rationed them to make them last and I didn't recall missing any so I had no clue where she could have gotten it. I was just about to ask her about it as I quietly shut the door assuming Spike would be asleep which she noticed and again greeted me with the same cheerful tone she always had.
"Hi, Vinnie." Sparks chimed. "How was it working with Pinkie?"
"Fine." I nonchalantly began. "Apparently I invented a new pastry that everypony can't get enough of, ended up earning a couple thousand bits today and then Pinkster told me I should get a patent for it."
"Wow, sounds like an eventful day."
"Yeah, you ain't kidding. Where'd you get that cigarette, by the way?"
"Well, when I fixed the ones you had, I decided to perform a duplication spell on one. Just out of pure curiosity, I wanted to study this thing and figure out why one would get so edgy as a result of withdrawal. I must say, I'm really shocked by the types of chemicals I found in this little stick."
"Yeah, it's really not one of the smartest things I've don-did you say duplication?"
"Uh, yes and I know what you're thinking but I really don't want to be an accessory to your habit though. Now that I understand the chemical make-up of these things, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I made more for you. I hope you understand."
"Wow, Sparks. I really don't know what to say. It's been a while since anybo-er anypony really showed me that they cared like that. I guess I could, uh maybe try to eventually quit altogether. Lately, I've been smoking a lot less than I was in my world."
"That's great, Vinnie! Although, judging by the way you acted when I fixed them, quitting cold turkey might not be easy for you."
"If I had a dollar, and yes I mean dollar for every time I've tried that, I could buy Wall Street."
"I want to help you with that, Vinnie. I think I have a book here on addictions and how to quit them so I'll do some research on that."
"I don't mean to be a prick, Sparks but I really don't have high hopes about that working. I really appreciate the thought though. That alone makes me feel better."
"We'll see, Vinnie."
"Ok then. Oh, I've been thinking of something."
"Oh? do tell."
"Well, I feel kinda bad that I've been ditching you to go make money the whole time I've been here. You've really done a lot for me and I wanna make it up to you. I'll just say that I got enough bits for the road now so I'll just take the day off tomorrow and we can hang out and do whatever you ponies do during down time."
"Aww, that's nice of you, Vinnie. I was actually planning on having a picnic in the park with the girls tomorrow. We'd love it if you would join us."
"Heheh. As girly and fruity as that sounds, I'm game for that."
"Great! Well, It's getting late so I'll be going to bed in just a minute. Good night."
"Yeah, I'm gonna do the same. I'm not used to high pressure retail anymore and even less used to shooting shit up so that really tired me out. G'night, Sparks."
The Next Day
For the first time in many years, I woke up feeling on top of the world, both emotionally and physically. So much in fact, that I decided to take a walk around town to better see the sights before our picnic we would be having later. Not only did I get the chance to get some fresh air, I was even able to meet more of the ponies around town. I met this middle aged mare with a gray mane who introduced her self as the mayor of Ponyville. I was very pleasantly surprised to meet a politician who was actually a genuine and decent, non corrupt hu-er equine being. I even met this adorable little gray postal worker with a blonde mane. She seemed to have some kinda condition with her eyes but I think It's great that the local postal service hires ponies like her. That wouldn't happen where I'm from. Not by a long-shot.
I continued my stroll down the path in the park and I happened to see Jackie's little sister who I'd met before. She was accompanied by three other little fillies about the same age as her. There was a little white unicorn with a light purple mane, an orange pegasus with a pink mane, and another earth pony, a little darker yellow than Apple Bloom and she had a mane with red and pink stripes. The four of them were walking together with very sad looks on their faces. Seeming how everypony around here has some way or another gone out of their way to cheer me up, I decided to return the favor.
"Yo, Apple Bloom" I greeted as I approached them. "What's eatin' you kids?"
"Howdy, Vinnie" Apple Bloom replied. "It's nuttin' really. We just got these bullies we're dealin' with. We put up with 'em all the time but mah cousin Babs here is visitin' from manehatten and ah didn't want 'em to ruin our time together."
"Ah I see. I guess there's no world that's all perfect. I gotta admit, this place is pretty friggin' sweet but I'm disappointed to hear that bullying exists here."
"We just try tah avoid 'em the best we can. Ah'd like yah tah meet mah friends and mah cousin, by the way. This here's Babs, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle"
"Yo, nice to meet ya." Babs said in a familiar accent as she extended her hoof for a bump. "We's just watching out for these two bullies Diamond Tiara and Silver spoon ova here and they's really gettin' on our case."
"Well, kids" I replied. "I think I can help ya's with that. When I was in school, there were some punks who thought they were tough-guys and they pushed around one too many times for their own good and I made sure they never fucked with me again. Now, I'm not sure how big of a deal sluggin' somepony upside the face is around here but Maybe if you just try to intimidate them a bit, they'll leave ya alone. Maybe grab 'em by the mane and shove 'em back into a locker or something just to get the point across."
"Yah really think we should do that, Mister?" Apple Bloom asked sounding confused.
"Let me rephrase that" I replied. "I don't mean like go all out and put 'em in the ground. I'm just talkin' about gettin' all up in their faces and scaring the crap outta them. Act like you're completely insane and make sure everypony else sees it so it sets an example for all of them too. They'll never punk you around again if you really let 'em have it."
"Alright then, Vinnie. We'll give it our best sho-"
"Hey blaaaaank flaaaaaanks!" Two nasty little fillies yelled out to my four friends. "Who's your two-legger friend?"
"Good luck, kids" I said. "Show 'em who's boss. Imma go get me a soda now so lemme know how it goes capiche?"
Two Minutes Later
"Uh, Vinnie?" Apple Bloom said behind me as I popped the cap off of a soda bottle I bought from a street vendor pony. "Ah think we overdid it."
I then turned around to see the four fillies I talked to a couple minutes ago all of them looking very worried. Sweetie Belle was holding a busted pair of glasses in her hoof and Scootaloo a destroyed tiara.
"Oh shit!" I said out of disbelief. "Is that a wad of teeth you're holding, Babs?"
"Yeah" Babs replied. "I don't know what I should do wid 'em. Can these be put back in their mouths? I didn't mean to knock 'em right out! I swear!"
"Alright, alright just chill out and lemme think ok? Um, do you ponies got a train station around here?"
"Yeah" Apple Bloom answered. "It's on the other side of town over yonder."
"I kinda got ya's into this mess so the train tickets are on me. Let's get outta here."
"Ok kids, the whole thing should blow over in a few days" I reassured the Cutie Mark Crusaders as they boarded the train to skip town. "Take this switch blade and these instructions on how to make and use molotovs with you. I'll meet ya back here in a couple days and I'll let ya know if the coast is clear. Good luck!"
"Yo thanks a bunch, Vinnie!" Babs replied as the train began pulling away. "We's just happy that those two-bit bitches ain't gonna fuck wid us no more!"
"Anytime! Keep a low profile and don't draw any attention to yourselves! See ya!"
After the train was outta sight, I quickly but casually made my way back to town and headed for the park where our picnic would be going on soon. Keeping my wits about me when it came to sirens was nothing new to me as I was starting to hear a lot of them heading towards where I had last seen those two fillies giving the CMC a hard time. I slowed my pace down as to not look suspicious and went around a bend on the trail through the park where I saw the damage. There were the two little bullies being loaded into the back of a pony-drawn ambulance wagon, their faces looking about as fucked up as they would have been if I were the one re-arranging them. I just continued to slowly stroll right by until a medic pony said something that nearly made my heart stop on a bit.
"Luna's plot, what happened to you fillies?!" A yellow Earth stallion with a brown mane and tail and a heart monitor for a cutie mark asked them. I could tell that the little stool-pigeons were about to rat my friends out until they saw me glance over at them.
"Uhh, we uhm." the gray filly stuttered and paused as the pink one spit out a tooth. "We tried climbing that tree and we fell out of it."
"Yeah! Ptooey!" The pink one confirmed as she spit out some blood. "That's exactly what happened! What she said!"
"Well gee wiz" I sarcastically interrupted. "Maybe you two oughtta be more careful."
"Right, Mister!" The battered up gray filly said. "Clumsy usI hehehe!"
I was no longer worried about those two punks being a threat so I continued my walk to the spot Sparks had told me we were gonna meet up for our festivities. It was apparent to me that I had arrived right on time as I saw all six of the mares I had befriended and Spike just starting to set things up. As I walked over to join my friends, I made a mental note to try to come up with a nickname for the purple dragon guy.
"Hey everypony, whassup?" I greeted as I approached the gang. "Don't start without 'ol Vinnie here."
"HI VINNIE!" Everypony except spike replied in unison. Spike wasn't paying attention to anything that I knew of and Sparks seemed to notice this too.
"Spike, where are your manners?" Sparks said as she nudged his head with her hoof snapping him out of his trance. "Say hello to Vinnie."
Before I knew it, I was enjoying this girly little picnic with my friends. We were Chit-chatting about anything and everything from life in general to the fact that the week I was staying here was coming to an end with only a couple days left until their princess would return to help me do the same. The CMC might end up being disappointed by my absence when I told them I would meet them back at the station.
I was chomping on a slice of apple pie when I really started paying attention to Spike who was once again staring at something and even began to blush. I can now officially say that I've seen it all. A reptile blushing of all things. From a closer but still distant observation, I figured out what-er who he was staring at and the shocking conclusion just clicked in my head. The little guy has the hots for Gem!
I had to look twice but it was the only thing it could have been and nothing else. I thought to myself that even in a world like this, it's quite outta the ordinary for a lizard to be infatuated by a pony, much less a pony twice his age but then again, who am I to judge? What really bothered me was that the poor kid was going about it completely wrong and was letting his crush cloud his judgment. I didn't want to say anything right in front of everypony so I decided that later, I would talk to spike one on one and coach him on the right way to get a dame to fall for him. Gem seems to be the type who would be outta his league so it would be a long-shot but I've gotten even the most stuck up ladies to make my car rock.
A few hours into the picnic, I'll confess it was difficult to keep my mouth shut to avoid embarrassing the little up and coming ladies-man. luckily for him, the sun was beginning to set and everypony began wrapping everything up and were preparing to leave. I would be heading to the library where Sparks and Spike lived. I just couldn't let the poor guy choke like that and make a fool of himself again so I wanted to give him some pointers. With some advice from a ladies-man like me, what could go wrong?
Finally myself, Sparks and Spike were back at the library sipping on some tea as I was trying to think of how I should word my advice to the little wannabe tough-guy. I was reading this cool action novel about some Daring Do mare that Cloud Speed ranted and raved over when Sparks announced that she needed to attend to some experiment she was conducting in the basement for a little while. When she left, I offered Spike my wealth of knowledge when it came to not looking like a doofus in front of the girl he wants to impress.
"Yo, Spike" I began. "I hope Rarity didn't notice you staring at her like that earlier. It woulda gave her the creeps if she did."
"Aw geez." Spike replied. "Was I doing that again?"
"Yeah, the drooling and heavy breathing isn't exactly chick magnet kinda behavior either."
"Yeah I know, Vinnie. It's just tough to keep my mind on track when a pony as beautiful as her is around."
"Well kid, if ya want her to notice you in the way you want her to notice you, ya gotta change your approach on it."
"How so?"
"Well first off, just act like you don't give a shit. If you act desperate, you'll be doing nothing but creepin' her out."
"Hold on, I'll get a notebook."
"Ok and another thing you'll need to change is your appearance and your smell. I'm only telling you this because I wanna help you so don't take any offense."
"It's cool, I'll write all of this down. Ok then what?"
"You need to slick your scales on your head back and get some cologne strong enough for a broad to smell ya from her fire escape."
"Uh-huh. and?"
"Make an adjustment to the way you carry yourself. Ladies like a confident guy who keeps his cool. Try acting like you're a big-shot who could get any girl he wants. Maybe even make up a tiny little fib about how the chicks throw themselves at you."
"A little white lie is ok once in a while. Anything else?"
"Yeah. Get yourself a hip pair of sunglasses and maybe a little gold chain to wear. Trust me, she'll love that."
"Heheh. Why didn't I think of this before?"
"Well kid, not everybody is just born knowing everything about it. Ooh, you should act like that the next time you see her."
"Well she did ask me to go shopping with her and help her carry the bags around tomorrow afternoon."
"Perfect! So tomorrow morning, you and I will do some shopping of our own."
"Awesome! Except there's just one problem."
"What's that?"
"I don't have enough bits for sunglasses, fancy cologne, scale gel or a gold chain."
"Aw what the hell, I can spare the bits for that. I haven't gotten to hang out with ya much anyway."
"You Mean it, Vinnie? You'd do that for me?"
"Sure, sure. Don't worry about it. I got enough bits to set me up for life and then some."
"Dude if this works, I'll worship the ground you walk on."
"Ok, see you're already breaking the first rule and if you hug my leg any harder, you'll end up breaking that too. C'mon kid, let go, my foot is turning purp-"
KABOOM!
"Th' fuck was that?!" Spike yelled after an explosion coming from the basement caused the floor to shake.
No sooner did both of us regain our footing, did Sparks, while having a coughing fit followed by a thick cloud of gray smoke burst through the door leading from the basement.
"Would you cough cough two mind opening wheeze some windows, please?" Sparks asked as she violently flapped her wings to air the place out.
"Why?" I replied. "This stuff smells pretty good to me."
The Next Day
"Hey Vinnie." Spike said as we sifted through the selection of cologne at the store. "This Fancypants(R) brand eau de toilette smells pretty damn good. I think I'll try this stuff out."
"Yeah, Doc Fluttershy told me that's good stuff" I replied. "Here, this gel oughtta do the trick for your scale coiffure. Ah, this here is the frame you're gonna want for your sunglasses and this chain here is the perfect length."
"Thanks again, Vinnie. If this works, I'll pass this legacy on after you leave."
"It's no problem, kid. Just take my advice and you'll be getting more tail than Jackie's brother. Now let's get back to the library and get you suited up."
Later That Day
"There ya go!" I said as I finished helping spike style his scales. "Ha! The ladies will be all over you so much, you'll be needing a pimp cane to fight 'em off!"
"Awesome!" Spike replied. "I still can't help but be a bit nervous though."
"Don't be. Just remember what I taught you and act like you could get any girl you want. She won't be able to resi-"
"Spikey Wikeyyyyy." Gem sang out as she entered the library looking for spike. "Are you ready to go?"
"Wish me luck, Vinnie. I'll need it."
"Um, Spike?" Gem said to him as they walked away towards the busier side of town. "Is th-that uh, Fancypants(R) that I smell on you, dear?"
"You two have fun!" I yelled over to them. "Imma stay here and help Sparks clean up that mess in the basement."
Three hours or so passed since Spike and Gem left and Sparks and myself decided to take a break from cleaning up the mess that the explosion from her mysterious experiment caused. We were enjoying our brake over some nice cold lemonade when suddenly the front door swung open revealing Spike with his scales all messed up and the his face covered in lipstick marks. He stood at the door for several seconds until my snickering broke the awkward silence while Sparks was still trying to mentally process what she was seeing.
"Bwahahahaha! Spike, you're some kinda player now?" I laughed as Spike walked through the front door, Sparks still wide eyed with her jaw on the floor.
"Yeah and Twilight said I never had a shot with Rarity." Spike replied as he turned to face the still aghast Twilight. "YEAAAAHHHH! IN YO FUCKIN' FAc-URP!"
"Whoa, I hope you didn't burp like that around Gem. Then again, it wouldn't have mattered anyway 'cause apparently you, my friend, just got done pounding some pu-"
"Hnnnnggg I think I'm gonna ya-URP!"
"Uh-oh." Twilight said after finally snapping out of her trance. "Vinnie, we both may find it beneficial to seek some type of structural means of protection from th-"
"Just give it to me straight, Sparks" I replied. "What are you tryin' to say?"
"HIT THE DECK!"
Without asking why, I jumped behind the sofa with Sparks and soon learned why she had told me to find cover. I couldn't see it at first but an explosion erupted from the general direction where spike was standing. There was a huge flash of green light and I suddenly noticed something ricocheting around the room with followed by large puffs of smoke coming from where I had last seen Spike. At this point, I had already out of instinct pulled out the small gun I carry with me. Almost as quickly as it began, the scene came to an abrupt end when the object that turned out to be a rolled up piece of paper finally settled on the floor and Sparks cautiously took a peek over the sofa.
"All clear, Vinnie!" Sparks said after confirming that we were now safe to leave our cover. "Shit, I've never seen anything like this! It's never been this intense when the princess sends us a letter!"
I rose to my feet to assess the damage and see how much of our cleaning had been ruined to see Spike lying face down on the floor about ten feet from the scroll that bounced around the room. Spike was blackened with soot lying there with his tongue hanging out and everything within twenty feet or so of the blast radius was slightly singed.
"What the fuck just happened?" I asked Sparks, dumbfounded.
"Oh, we never showed you?" Sparks nonchalantly replied as she levitated the scroll in her aura. "When spike sent a letter to Princess Celestia last week, he burns it with his breath. When we receive one, he coughs it up or in this case, completely blows a gasket and makes a big scene."
"So she's back from her political trip and she's gonna help me get back to my world?"
"Well, I don't know that until I rea-"
"What the hell are ya waiting on?! What does it say?!"
Sparks then proceeded to open up the scroll and read it aloud.
Dear Twilight Sparkle:
First and foremost I apologize for the delay in my response. I was extremely busy and it proved to be very difficult to convince the Saddle Arabian government to lower the cost on importing coal to Equestria. In order to make up for it, I'll have to increase taxes on small businesses and give breaks to big corporations to switch jobs out of Equestria for cheap labor. Please tell the Cakes that they may wish to consider incorporating their business. Now on the topic of your letter. I am very surprised that a human has found his way into our world as the mirror here in Canterlot was the only portal I knew that existed. I will be there tomorrow evening to explain my plan and I also wish to examine the pond that you mentioned. My sister and I should be able to assist the human in returning to his home once we determine the proper course of action.
Yours truly
Princess Celestia
"So tomorrow I get to go back to my world?" I asked very enthusiastically.
"If things go as planned, it appears that way." Sparks replied sounding somewhat sad.
"Well what's the problem then? You don't sound too sure of it."
"Oh I don't doubt the princess' ability to help, it's just...well Vinnie, during the week you spent here, you have become our friend. Not just with me and the girls but the whole town really likes having you here. It's a shame that one week is all you were here for and we're really going to miss you when you leave."
"Well I...I don't know what to say, Sparks. I mean sure, I kinda started to sorta get somewhat of a soft-spot for you guys too but...I didn't know you all felt so strongly about it."
At this point, It was getting very difficult to hold my own tears back. It was all true. These candy colored talking ponies were the only true friends I ever had. After a week in their world, I've gotten to know them so well that it felt as if I had known them my whole life. As sad as it felt to have to leave though, there was just nothing that could help the fact that I just simply didn't belong here forever.
"Vinnie, dude." Spike finally spoke up as he rose to his feet. "It really sucks that you have to leave. I'll never forget what you taught me today. After what just happened with me and Rarity, I feel like I'm on top of the world."
"And Vinnie" Twilight Sparks began. "You've taught me something that I never would have learned without you. You taught me that underneath the exterior of even the most hardened tough-guys with the darkest pasts, there is still a sensitive, caring friend to be found."
Without hesitation, I fell to my knees closer to my friends' level and spread my arms out for a group hug. A few days ago, I made a mental note to really seriously think about what I was doing but I failed to actually do so as I was distracted by the fun I had here. All the laughs we shared. The tears. The hugs. The just plain sappy moments.
It was already getting late in the day as it was and as the sun continued to set, the three of us stayed up for several more hours pouring our hearts out to each other and making plans for how we could make my last day here special. Before finally turning in for the night, we all agreed that we would have one last fun outing with the rest of the gang before I was to go through the portal back home.
The Next Day
"Okay, Vinnie" Sparks began. "The princesses are going to be here later tonight so I want you to go over to Sweet Apple Acres to meet Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash and help them transport some *ahem* 'liquefied fun' back here and we'll all have a great time."
"Heheh just like old times." I replied. "Except A lot of the stuff I was used to transporting meant hefty prison time if I was caught with it. Hey wait a sec. What about Pinkster. where's she at?"
"Oh she'll be back very soon. She's taking care of some other things that involve our festivities."
"Alrighty, sounds like a plan. See ya soon."
So there, I began my ever shortening walk to Sweet Apple Acres. Since I have been smoking a lot less, I have found it easier to walk faster without getting winded as quickly. I'm just glad I was able to get outta hear before I ran out of cigarettes. I was already leaving behind the only friends I ever had so the last thing that needed to happen was for me to fuck everything up between us before I go.
As I neared Jackie's orchard, I noticed that I hadn't seen a single pony on the way there which struck me a bit odd. I had only been here a week but I learned that on a bright, sunny day like this, the town was hopping with activity and ponies darting around like coked out squirrels.
I soon found myself approaching Jackie, Cloud Speed, Gem and the Doc with...only one barrel of cider? I was told I was gonna help them transport it so I was half expecting a pony world version of a box-truck or something but just one barrel? something seems amiss.
"Howdy, Vinnie!" Jackie greeted as I walked over. "Yer just in time tah walk over tah Twi's library with us."
"Uhh, ok." I replied, clearly showing that I was confused. "Failure of communication I take it?"
"Is something wrong Vincenzo?" Gem asked.
"Well I wouldn't say something's wrong" I answered. "It's just that I was told that we were gonna be hauling cider with help from me but you all seem to have that covered."
"Oh, well uh it's just that we uh..." Jackie stuttered as here eyes darted all over the place. "We um, spilled a bunch of it on accident and we were only able to save this one barrel."
"Yeah!" The rest agreed in unison.
They're such terrible liars. My instincts would usually leave me to believe that I was about to get whacked but knowing them, they're probably just playing some silly game with me. I decided to humor them and play along.
"Well gee that's a shame" I began. "Your sister Apple Bloom told me how much work goes into making that sweet, divine, intoxicating juice"
"Yup, that filly sure is the apple of mah eye." Jackie said. "Oh bah the way, them two fillies that her and her friends go to school with stopped bah and mentioned something about needin' more time to get some bits they said they owe 'em. Ah wonder what that was all about. Ah'm sure Apple Bloom ain't gonna have a problem with lettin' 'em cut a deal though."
Wow, now they're are extorting money from the bullies. Aren't I a great mentor?
"*Ahem* uh yeah I think she's the understanding type." I said, trying to sway the conversation from the topic of the delinquency I had contributed to. "Now let's get going ok? The more time we stand here, the less time I get to spend with everypony before I leave forever."
In almost no time at all, we were back in town and standing outside the Golden Oaks Library. This time, the girls had trouble keeping up with me. I was soon about to find out why Twilight wanted to have me distracted and why everypony in town had mysteriously disappeared. I opened the door to enter to see that the light had been turned out for some reason.
"SURPRISE!" Everypony in town yelled as the light turned back on.
It was a set up! The good kind I mean. I had just learned exactly how much I really meant to not only the six ponies I'd spent the most time with but everypony I had met. Inside the library, there was a huge cake on a table and a big banner that read "We'll miss you, Vinnie" hanging up on the wall. It was almost surreal. I had lived in my human world for nearly half of a century and never had as many nice things done for me as I have in the week I'd been here. I was overcome with such a bittersweet feeling and truly discovered that these ponies were indeed my true friends and were genuinely sad to see me leave.
I ended up having the best few hours I ever had in my entire life. I was having cake with my friends to celebrate the friendship we had developed, getting buzzed on cider and just simply acquiring wonderful memories that I could talk about with a shrink for years to come. It was late in the afternoon when Sparks raised a hoof in the air and the library fell silent.
"Vinnie, we all can't begin to tell you how much we are going to miss you." Twilight began. "And even though we may nev-*sniff* never see you again, we'll always remember you as the human who taught us all a wonderful lesson that we never would have learned without you. There is always a great friend to be found in even the most hardened people and that anypo-er anyone can change and is entitled to the second chance to do so. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna will be here soon to reopen the portal so without further ado, I want to present you with a parting gift for you to remember us by. Please hold still and don't be alarmed, Vinnie. I have this spell that I think you will find very helpful so I'll have to fire a harmless beam at you."
"*sniff* You guys are the best! Fire away, Sparks." I replied with tear soaked eyes.
I didn't even need to think for a second about it as these ponies have proven many times over that I never need to question them when it came to trust. Though I was unsure about what she was talking about, I had decided that I should just take her word for it and let her do her thing. Just like she had promised, the lavender colored aura that briefly enveloped me was completely painless and was over as soon as it began.
"So...uh what um...what'd ya do?" I asked, confused. "I don't feel any different."
"Vinnie, do you have any of those cigarette things left?" Sparks asked.
"Uh, I think I have a few left over. Why?"
"When was the last time you had one?"
"Eh, earlier this morning, like nine hours ago I guess"
"Do you have the urge to smoke another one?"
That's when it all hit me. I pulled the pack out of my pocket and opened it revealing my last three cigarettes...and I didn't want to smoke them. Twilight and friends had not only given me the gift of friendship but also the gift of a longer life. The ultimate gift. She had gone completely out of her way to examine the cigarettes and find a way to get me off of them. After about ten minutes of groveling, kissing Twilight's hooves, sobbing and group-hugging with everypony, the sound of some kinda trumpet came from outside followed by the library going completely silent again. The royal visitors and my means of going home had arrived.
Twilight Sparkle! It's wonderful to see you again!" Said the huge yet beautiful and majestic white alicorn as she stepped off a chariot being pulled by four pegasus stallions wearing what looked like some kinda ancient Greek armor.
The so called Princess Celestia was accompanied by a somewhat smaller dark blue alicorn who I assumed was her sister that was mentioned in the letter. Everypony else was bowing down at the sight of them so I decided to do the same to be polite. After all, they were later going to be doing me a big favor so I felt it was only appropriate.
"Ah, you must be Vinnie" The Princess said as she approached me to which I stood back up.
"Yes ma'am, that's me." I replied.
"I'm sorry it took so long for me to arrive. I hope you at least enjoyed your stay here."
"No worries" I then turned my head back to my seven friends standing behind me, tears beginning to fill their eyes. "I can honestly say that I did enjoy it here."
"I'm glad to hear that." The smaller dark blue sister said. "Now there was this pond mentioned to us in the letter sent to us. Would you please show us where it is?"
Again, I turned back to my friends.
"Girls? Spike?" I said. "You guys wanna come see me off?"
A Short Walk To The Pond Later
The royal alicorn sisters both stood facing the pond that I crawled out of and examined it for several minutes, myself and my Ponyville friends watching the whole thing. A few times, they would pause for a moment to whisper back and forth to each other about what they were looking at. Finally, they came to a conclusion and turned to the rest of us.
"Everypony?" Celestia began. "We have come up with a solution. Vinnie, if you would please stand right over here, about ten hooves in front of this pond. I'm sensing quite the substantial amount of energy coming from it. It sort of pulsates so I think If I ignite it at the right time, I can open the portal and have you back home very shortly."
I stood right in the spot as the two sisters' horns began to glow. It was more than likely the last time I would ever see these ponies again so I faced them and waved goodbye the entire time. A yellowish aura began to glow around me and I knew within seconds I would be back in my world...or so I thought.
KraKApow!
Being in my line of work for so long, I knew that there was only one thing that could make such a distinct sound. There was no other thing it could have been. Somehow a large caliber rifle had made it to Equestria...but a gun can't fire without somebody with fingers to pull the trigger. After the shot that came from the distance in an unknown direction, I noticed that the yellow aura from Celestia's magic was no longer surrounding me.
"Whoops! My bad, pal!" A familiar voice called out with a blood boiling sarcastic tone from the forest about fifty yards away. "I was aiming for you, not the horse! Now hold still!"
"Aiming for me and not the horse?" I wondered to myself. "Who the fuck was that and what was he talking about? Just then, it clicked in my head and I turned to where Princess Celestia was standing expecting to see the worst...and the worst is indeed what I saw. The princess was standing there with a mortified look on her face, all four of her legs about to buckle and struggling to support her as she began to hyperventilate. On her side, in her stomach area was a sizable spot of blood and more was quickly dripping out of a wound in the middle. Shit needed to be figure out and fast. As my adrenalin kicked in, questions started racing through my head. Did somebody follow me here? Why would they follow me here? What kind of monster would gun down such a divinely beautiful creature?
Chaklink!
The unmistakable sound of a bolt type rifle ejecting a spent shell and feeding a new one into the chamber could be heard in the distance as the wounded Princess collapsed on the ground.
"MY SISTER!" The smaller Princess Luna screamed at the top of her lungs as she stepped in the line of fire over her downed sister with her wings flared out in a fighting stance. Her horn glowed brightly as she fired several beams in the general direction the shot had come from. Unfortunately, she had missed her target as she was about to become one herself.
KraKApow!
A second shot was fired hitting the magnificent dark blue Princess Luna in the flank just a few inches in front of her cutie mark. Spike and the girls were starting to panic and badly. I knew I had to take it upon myself to get them and the two royal sisters outta there. Princess Luna had a hoof firmly pressed against her sister's wound and the other occupying her own. I was always one to remain calm in situations like this but with the fact that I had six panicking ponies, a dragon not fairing much better and two large and probably very heavy badly wounded alicorns to attend to.
"Did you really think you could leave just like that?" The twerpy little rifle wielding Joe Hoblini said as he slowly made his way from the forest, his fatass sidekick Luigi Largenassi in tow toting an uzi.
"You sick bastard!" I screamed. "What did those ponies do to you? I'd rather you woulda killed me instead!"
"What do you care? They're just little hors-"
"They're the only friends I ever had you fuckin' Schmuck!"
I turned to my seven friends to assess the damage to see them all huddling together with the two wounded royal sisters, all of them violently shaking in fear. Joe and Luigi both paused for a moment to process what I had just told them before bursting out into hysterical laughter.
"You mean to tell us that these fruity colored ponies are your friends?!" Luigi laughed. HA! If you wanted them to live, ya shouldn't have told us that!"
"NO!" I yelled. "Go ahead and take me out but leave them alone!"
"Hey boss!" Joe yelled back. "We got 'im! C'mon over!"
Five other guys all of them packing heat then emerged from the nearby woods and made their way towards the scene. As they neared us, I could get a better look at their faces. I didn't recognize any of them except...
"TONY?!" I exclaimed as the man I had worked for for many years walked over pointing a large revolver at me.
"Yeah and if I had found my knife at the time I was huggin' you, it woulda been stuck in yer back, punk!" Tony yelled. "Nobody leaves my organization! Nobody!"
"After all I'd done for you?!" I screamed back. "You fuckin' ingrate!"
"Look pal, I'm a man of business and myself and others like me know not to get attached to their associates. You shoulda known you couldn't leave alive in this line of work. Now hold still while I spla-"
"You're not killing anypony, you shitbag!" Twilight Sparks screamed. She was now separated from the rest with her head lowered and her wings flared out. Her horn was starting to glow and sparks were actually flying from it.
"Did that purple one just talk?" Tony asked as he shifted the gun towards her.
That was the last straw. Pointing a gun at Sparks was something I simply refused to tolerate and now that our attackers' attention was off of me, that gave me the chance to take action. As fast as Cloud Speed could fly, I grabbed Tony's arm with both my hands, pulled him towards me and kneed him the the face causing him to drop his big .357 colt python on the ground. As my double crossing former boss fell on his ass in a daze, I seized the opportunity to grab the gun, dive out of the way and give Sparks the green light to go on the offense.
"FIRE!" I shouted as I dove to the gound.
Until then, I had never seen her fire from her horn but she had told me about a time where she thwarted an invasion that fucked with her brother's wedding. I know that we were in a life and death situation here but it was truly a sight to behold. With expert marksmanship on her part, all seven guys were knocked back a good thirty feet or so by her magnificent aura, their clothes and hair slightly singed.
"We gotta get outta here!" I shouted as I returned to my feet.
It would only be a matter of time before our attackers would recover and do the same. I now had a magnum with six rounds in it but i couldn't find my .38 anywhere so if I needed to use deadly force, every shot had to count. It still looked quite grim for us as there were seven guys after us and we had two badly wounded princesses we had to protect. The more I thought about it, the more time it gave our enemies to gather themselves and and steady their aim. Sparks was again proving to be our saving grace as I noticed her aura beginning to surround each and every one of us. She was really straining herself and look like she was about to have a stroke as she made here horn glow so bright that it began to billow thick smoke.
ZZZAP!
Just as our foes began firing their automatic weapons, I was swiftly knocked down and was lying on my back. As I regained my eyesight, I noticed that we were all back in the library for some reason.
"What the fuck was that?" I asked, clueless as to how we just ended up back in ponyville.
"I just *pant* did a *gasp* teleportation spell." Sparks replied as her now glowing red horn faded into a charred state. "I never had to *huff* telleport this many living beings at once."
"Vinnie?" Cloud Speed asked sounding like she was about to cry. "You know those guys?"
"Why would such a darling friend like you ever associate with the likes of those horrible people?" Gem whimpered.
"I'm gonna fix this!" I yelled, not out of anger but determination. "Everypony, I got you all into this mess and I swear on all that is holy I'm gonna get you out of it if it kills me! We got a war on our hooves! Doc, you attend to the princesses! Everypony else, board up the doors and windows! MOVE IT!"
"That backstabbin', pole-smokin', pud-whackin' fuckin' stool-pigeon piece of shit spunk rag sold me out!" I huffed as I paced back and forth trying to come up with a solution to our conundrum.
"Ooh, Twilight he's got some new ones!" Pinkster said. "Write those do-"
"Pinkie shut the fuck up!" I shouted. "Now's not the time for that! Never mind my french, we got a life and death situation going down!"
"I-I'm sorry Vinnie. I'm still trying to gather myself after what just happened and I guess I'm just trying to find a happy place."
"Alright, Pinkster I need you all to listen to me and listen up good. I'm gonna take these guys out and get rid of them even if I end up dying for it. This is my fight and I'm not dragging you all into something that I created."
"Hold up there, sugarcube!" Jackie cut in. "You ain't goin' it alone if ah can help it! Ok so maybe this mess has somethin' tah do with yah but if'n yah think we're gonna sit around and let yah get turned inta applesauce, yah got another thing comin'!"
"I'm not asking you for permission, Jackie." I replied. "I'm gonna go find these shit stains and mop 'em up by myself and you all are gonna stay here and take care of the royal sisters! Capiche?"
"And ah said yah ain't goin' without us by yer side!"
"You left me no other choice, Jackie! I'm sorry but I can't let you follow me out there."
I then knelt down to Jackie's level, placed both my hands on her shoulders and attempted to knock her out by delivering a firm headbutt to her face. That turned out to be a big mistake as I was about to find out.
SPLOOSH!
"I'll kick 'em in the nads!" I yelled as I was awakened by Pinkster's bucket once more. "What the fuck happened to me this time?"
"Well, Vinnie..." Gem began. "You tried to kiss Applejack and ended up smacking your head into her face and then you proceeded to pass out on the floor."
"Aw it's ok, Vinnie." Jackie said. "Spike once tried tah kiss me one time when Rarity got pony-napped by a bunch 'o dogs. Not sure why ya'd knock yerself ou-"
"Whoa whoa whoa!" I cut in. "That is not what I was trying to do! I was trying to knock you out and it backfired!"
"Everypony?" Sparks said. "I know it's not very important right now but Vinnie, I never seem to stop learning with you around. You just taught me the differences in skull thickness in comparison between equine and that of homo-sapien"
"What the f- Oh c'mon Sparks! Sure I learned more about my feminine side in a week more than I ever have in my whole life but you don't gotta drop a wisecrack like that!"
"That's the scientific name of your species you douche ba-"
"SILENCE!" Princess Luna screamed at the top of her lungs. She then paused for a moment to catch her breath. Being in the wounded state that she was, simply raising her voice was taking a lot of her energy. Now that she had our attention and was able to stop panting so heavily, she was finally able to speak.
"I understand that it may prove difficult at this moment..." The princess began. "But we all need to calm ourselves in order to better find a solution to our problem. We must think rationally of how we can stop these people."
"I vote for calm." Fluttershy said quietly as she finished dressing Luna's wound. "Um, Princess Luna? I think I have everything all set. I removed a little chunk of metal from each of you and was able to stop the bleeding. I think If we just keep her well hydrated, Princess Celestia will be alright."
If I was amazed by her medical skills before, I was completely blown away this time. A four legged creature with non-cloven hooves and I assume no experience with gunshot wounds had just outdone herself. After Luna was patched up, she then proceeded to slowly stand herself up on all fours with a little help from Doc Fluttershy and then turned her attention to me.
"Vinnie, is it? You seem to know those people. Surely you can find out what their weaknesses are."
"We can take them down by doing the same thing they did to you and your sister." I replied, raising my newly acquired weapon in the air for everypony to see. "If I can sneak up on them and make every shot count, I might be able to pull it off."
"I see. Now let me ask you this. Why do you say 'I' as in implying that you are doing this solo?"
"With all due respect Princess, that's exactly what I plan on doing. There's no reason for my friends to suffer because of something I brought on them."
"See, that is what I am talking about. You mentioned that you have found friends in these six ponies and I assume spike as well. Judging by their reluctance to allow you to fight alone, I find it safe to say that the feeling is mutual."
"Of course! That's why I'm willing to risk life and limb to take out this trash. Like you said, I do know these guys and they don't fuck around. These girls won't last a minute against them and their firepower!"
"Vinnie" Sparks began. "Who says we can't fight fire with fire. Like use the same kind of weapons they have."
"Well sparks" I replied. "That plan is find and dandy but we just have this one gun. We can't really fight a battle with weapons we don't ha-"
Just then, it hit me. I remembered something very important that could make or break our plan. I recalled the time when Sparks was studying my cigarettes and managed to do so without taking any out of my pack.
"Twilight Sparks!" I exclaimed as I lifted her up and hugged her tightly. "You're a fuckin' genius! You can use your duplication spell and make more of these!"
"V-Vinnie...too tight...can't breath."
"Oops! Sorry, kid."
"It's ok, Vinnie. If this makes you feel any better though, I also have a shield spell I can use to deflect their shots."
"Vincenzo, darling?" Gem said. "I would also like to remind you that the girls and I once took on an army of thousands of changelings. I understand that these men are not to be taken lightly but if we all work together, we can win this."
"Alright." I sighed. "I guess it would be a lot easier if I didn't do this solo. Just so you all know though, if anything happens to any of you, I'll never forgive myself. You capiche?"
"We've got this, Vinnie!" The smug Cloud Speed replied. "We've dealt with tougher guys than them!"
"I highly doubt that, pal. You can't underestimate these guys. Don't let your guard down for even a second. Let's get to work now. Uh, Sparks?"
"Yes, Vinnie?" She replied.
"Remember what I told you...about what I've done in my world? You know. Actually killed people."
"Well, yeah. I'm aware of that but you've moved on to better things, right? You've changed for the better."
"That's exactly what I'm talking about. I lost my soul because of the shit I did. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy let alone my best friends. Any way you could maybe make these...um, I guess 'nonlethal' is the word I'm looking for."
"Of course. Great Idea, Vinnie. I could make them just stun them."
"Alright then. We've got no time to waste. Get me a quill and some paper and I'll sketch some things out for you."
It took just under an hour and one by one, we had turned the library into an arms factory. Sparks seemed like the type who would appreciate precision and accuracy so I drew out a bolt action sniper rifle on the paper for her to make a real yet less deadly one. Cloud Speed would be good for an areal attack so I had an uzi made for her. I had Gem collect some empty bottles, fill them with that Fancypants(R) cologne and stuff some rags into them for fuses. I felt that a twin barrel shotgun would suit Jackie well and since Pinkster could hold onto anything with her hooves, I gave her an extra revolver. Last but not least, a fully automatic Thompson sub-machine gun for the timid Doc Flutters. I'm not gonna lie, the biggest reason I gave that intimidating piece of hardware to her was for the sake of Irony and for some reason I just wanna see her of all ponies go on a maniacal rampage on these fools. I really hope they have a local therapist. I'll need one when this is all over. Our plan was to incapacitate our foes hopefully without killing them and get whatever justice system Equestria may have involved...and I knew for a fact that it was gonna be a bitch to pull off. The sudden and urgent sounding knock on the door didn't help to calm my nerves either.
"Identify yourself!" I shouted with my Colt Python cocked and ready to fire.
"This is Derpy the mailmare." The familiar voice from before said. "P-please help me."
Without hesitating, Sparks used her magic to violently rip the boards off the door and swung it open to let Depry in. She was wearing her blue postal service cap and she was holding an envelope in her teeth, but the first thing I noticed is that she was bruised up.
"Who did this to you?!" I demanded, already being fully aware who her assailants were.
"A bunch of two-legged guys kinda like you." Derpy replied. "They sent me here with this let-"
"I'm starting to have second thoughts about making these guns nonlethal, everypony! These scumbags have already gone too far when they shot the royal sisters! Anyone who beats up a slow pony doesn't deserve to li-"
"Slow?!" Derpy repeated as she glared up at me. "Did I just hear you right or am I just going crazy?"
"Well I, uhh." I stuttered, surprised by Derpy's attitude. "Sorry kid, I just though you were a little bit differently ab-"
"Slow? Dumb? Stupid? A few apples short of a bushel perhaps?"
I then turned to the rest of the ponies as Derpy hovered up to my level and continued to glare at me with her mismatched eyes. Jackie's eyes were nervously darting around the room for some reason. "I like this girl's attitude! She don't take any crap from anypony! I admire that! My bad, kid. What's this letter all about?"
I Then opened the envelope and read it aloud.
Vinnie
We've got some of these little pony friends of yours over here at this place they call 'town hall' or some stupid shit like that. If they truly are your friends, which is pathetic I may add, then you shouldn't have any trouble coming over here to exchange your worthless ass for their lives. You've got twenty minutes to grow some balls and make it over here. For each minute you are late, a pony dies! Show up alone. Tick tock, mother fucker!
Tony Z.
"Uh Derpy?" I asked. "How long ago did you get sent over here with this?"
So this was it. It was either now or never. I was going to help the only true friends I ever had save our other friends or die trying. with my newly acquired weapon in my back pocket and briefcase full of gold bits in tow, we sprinted in the direction of the Town hall as fast as our legs allowed. I knew it was a long-shot but I was hoping to use my bits as a bribe. In the world I came from, there had to be several million dollars worth of gold in the case. Even with the very heavy package, I found it quite easy to keep up with my pony friends since I was no longer a smoker. Even on one's best day during their teenage years, equines can outrun any human with little to no effort but I knew that they didn't have to slow down as much as before to allow me to keep up.
In just under eight minutes we were there. When we got near the building, we all crouched down to form our plan with only a couple minutes to spare before these scumbags started offing innocent creatures. In order to make this work, I had to quickly get to know the structure so we could spread out and know each other's location at all times as to avoid friendly fire. I carefully poked my head up to a window to observe the layout and any possible vantage points for us to sneak up on our foes. I have always had a strong stomach in my line of work but what I saw almost made me lose a bunch of cupcakes. There were at least a dozen of the townsponies tied up with ropes most of them covered in bruises and some bleeding from their noses. The goons had their attention turned to the mayor who looked as if she had received the majority of the beating and appeared to be pleading with the attackers to spare them.
"Doc, Sparks and Cloud." I began. "You three take those windows on the top of the building and for Celestia's sake don't let them see you until that fat old guy pulls the trigger of his gun in my face. Capiche?"
"But Vinnie." Sparks protested. "If that happens then you'll die! Your head couldn't take blunt force from Appljack and surly you wouldn't survive a gunshot!"
"No, I won't die Sparks. I got this all figured out. I don't have time to explain how so you just have to trust me on this. Now Gem, Pinkster and Jackie, you each take a window on each side of the building. All of you gotta make sure you know where your friends are at all times. You'd feel shitty enough killing somebody who deserves it so imagine having to live with gunning down a friend. Take your positions and wait for the signal I told you about. I'm going through the front door to deal with these pricks."
As the girls took their spots, I army-crawled my way to the front door and opened it just a crack to listen in on the conversation.
"Please don't!" The battered mayor pleaded. Don't hurt her, she's just a foal!"
"Well then Vinnie had better hurry the fuck up and make it here within the next thirty seconds or she gets a bullet in her head." Tony replied.
I carefully peeked in to see that Tony sported a glock .45 and one of the other greaseballs was holding a sobbing Applebloom by the scruff of her neck. I knew that Jackie wouldn't be able to keep her head for very long with her own sister's life in danger so I needed to act now.
"Wait!" The mayor said. "I'm much older! If you're going to take sompony's life take mine instead!"
"Suit yourself, lady." Tony replied as he turned the gun to the Mayor.
"Why don't you point that over here at somebody who knows how it works, asshole?" I said as I walked through the front door.
"Vinnie! You made it here just in time to save these little 'friends' of yours. I admire that. Really I do."
"Listen Zeppargonni, we need to talk."
"Gimme back my gun first and then I'll let you have the floor before I make you eat it. Take it out of your pocket handle end first and slide it over here."
I obliged to the demands of my former boss for what would be the last time I ever would. He picked it up off the ground and as I expected, he opened the cylinder to make sure it was indeed still loaded and closed it again.
"Alright, man." Tony said. "Make this quick I'm getting antsy."
"Listen Tony." I began. I'm not in New York or even on planet Earth anymore. I'm not a threat to your business in any way. Anybody I talk to here isn't gonna rat on you or anything. Shit doesn't need to be like this. Just leave us alone and I'll stay out of your way for the rest of my days."
"I ain't worried about that, Vinnie. I just don't like people up and quitting on me like that."
"Look man, I couldn't take the killing anymore. I just wanted my soul back. I even have something to offer you here."
I then slid the case full of gold over to tony. As it slowed down and lightly bumped his shoe, the jingling sound of coinage could be heard inside peaking his interest and that of his associates. Being the greedy bastard he always was, he did not hesitate to open the box and investigate the contents.
"Holy shit!" Tony exclaimed. "Hey guys, there's gotta be millions over here!"
"And it's all yours, Tony." I said. "All I ask is that you let my friends go and and leave me here too. You don't need to off me. I'm unarmed and I have no way to talk to anyone from our world. I ain't gonna rat you out ok?"
"Is there more of this gold around here?"
When he uttered those words, I learned two things. First, he wasn't listening to a single word I had said and secondly, he was getting a sick idea in his head that I knew would be harmful not only to myself but everypony in town. He wanted not only to kill me but also bleed this world for everything it had.
"Did you not hear what I said?!" I yelled. "Aren't you ever content with the money you have?!"
"Sure I did but it don't mean shit." He replied as he began walking towards me, his hand cannon cocked and ready to fire. He then stopped a little bit over an arm's length away from me as to avoid a repeat of our last encounter. He then raised the revolver to my face with the end of the barrel right between my eyes. It wasn't the first time I had a gat in my face but this time was different. I could actually see every little detail inside from the rifling grooves all the way to the little specks of spent gunpowder. The sight of it alone was about to expedite my next bathroom break if he didn't quit tormenting me and just get it over with. I was starting to wonder if he was going to actually do it until he finally spoke again.
"Any last requests?"
"Yeah." I reaplied. "Unzip my pants, bend down and suck my-"
POOF!
"What the fuck did you do to my gun?!" Tony yelled after spraying hot gunpowder in my face with no lead slug to speak of.
That was the signal that I had told the ponies to react to and I wasted no time diving behind a roof support column.
"And where do ya think you're going ya little bitch?" Tony mocked as he emptied the cartridges out of his gun to replace them with live ones. That was my plan. I had plucked the bullets out of the shells before we arrived and because of that I ended up with a slightly singed face instead of no face at all.
POW! AAAAAAAAAHHH!
I poked my head out of hiding for a moment to see that Twilight had fired the first shot and hit the Schmuck I used to work for right in the ass. Something wasn't quite right though. I recalled telling Twilight Sparks that I wanted the weapons to be less lethal and yet Zeppargonni was knocked right down and bleeding a lot. Of course I didn't really have the time to question it because shit was about to hit the fan and the Firefight had begun.
"Hey!" The fatass Luigi yelled. "They got these ponies casin' the joint! They's all over the place!"
"Shit!" The gimpy-legged Joe Hoblinni yelled as he whipped out a glock nine. "These ponies is packin'!"
Before I could even recover from the burning ashes being blown in my face, the entire building erupted with gunfire. I laid on my stomach behind the column with my hands over my head still trying to regain my sight for what seemed like ages. One wrong move could leave me exposed to a stray bullet and be the end of me and since I still couldn't see anything, I couldn't afford to risk it. All I could do was listen to what was going on until my eyesight returned if it would at all. I could hear the different sounds of any lethal hardware that could possibly be smuggled over seas. From the snaps and pops of small caliber pistols, the loud cracks of rifles to the thunder-like booms of shotguns. It was getting harder and harder to keep my self still as I had no idea who was winning this battle and honestly it scared me more than anything I have ever experienced before. Suddenly, I started hearing the ricochet of bullets bouncing off the granite floor very close to me. Just when I heard a loud pop and a blast of a purple-ish light right up in my face, I though it was all over.
"Vinnie!" Sparks exclaimed apparently having teleported to my aid. "Are you alright?!"
"I can't see a fuckin' thing!" I replied. "More importantly though, how is everypony holding up out there?"
"We've got the advantage, Vinnie. They are on our home turf and we know where all the cover is."
"Listen sparks, pal if I don't make it out of this I want you to promi-"
"Don't say that! Here, hold still."
I could see a dim purple light in front of my eyes and as my eyesight slowly returned I saw Twi's horn glowing in front of my face.
"Damn, kid." I said in disbelief. "Is there anything that horn can't do?"
"I'm sure there is." Sparks giggled. "but I have yet to find it."
As the frequency of the gunfire started to die down but not stop completely, I poked my head out from behind the column again to assess the situation and determine what kind of action was best to take. I saw that the fat old schmuck I called my employer had gotten up and made it to some cover behind a column on the other side of the building. I also could see a few more guys had been hit and were laying on the ground haphazardly firing their weapons in the general direction that the ponies were taking cover.
"Hey sparks, I thought I told you I didn't want anyone killed." I said to my comrade. "Why did you make the guns lethal?"
"You told me you had second thoughts!" Sparks replied. "I saw how pissed you were when you saw how they beat up derpy so I thought you were being serious!"
"Dammit! I was just heated at the time but at this point it can't be helped. Just don't shoot for their vitals, capiche?"
As I reached for my revolver that sparks had duplicated for me, I began looking for any opportunities to help save the few townsponies who were still tied up and having trouble getting away. They were sitting ducks and I would never live with myself if any of them got hit. I thought it was a bit odd that there were about only half a dozen of them there when a moment ago at least a dozen of them were immobilized. I was very impressed by how fast spike untied those kno- What the?
"Spike!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. "What the fuck are you doing?! Get outta there!"
"No way, man!" Spike yelled over to me as he finished untying a knot, freeing the green unicorn Lyra. "You helped me get with Rarity so It's the least I can d-"
TWANG!
While Spike and I were yelling back and forth, one of the scumbags had noticed him and fired a shot hitting him directly in the belly and ricocheting off him as if he were a rock.
"Bahahaha! That tickles!" Spike laughed as he started running across the room to draw more attention to himself. "C'mon you morons! Try to gun me down!"
The little bullet proof pipsqueak was proving to be a smart little bastard. He continued darting across the room and proceeded to have more bullets bounce off his scales with no affect on him. Now that the spotlight was off me, I could more easily take some shots. Like I mentioned to the girls before, I was done with killing and didn't want to ever again if I didn't absolutely have to. Joe Hoblinni was busy shooting at Spike to notice anything else so I carefully aimed for the back of the knee on his better leg.
POW!
I had hit my mark and following a blood-curdling scream, Joe dropped his gun and hit the ground and proceeded to writhe in pain. A few moments into his agony, he attempted to crawl over a few feet to retrieve his weapon only to stare down the barrel of Jackie's shotgun where he then fainted and lay there to soak in a yellow puddle he had produced on the floor.
Doc Fluttershy was proving to be a lot tougher than I thought as she had just begun to let it rip spraying the room with her automatic Tommy gun, laughing maniacally as she sent the wounded men running towards the door.
"I'm gettin' the fuck outta here!" Luigi yelled as his fat ass bounced out the door. "You're on your own, Zeppargonni!"
We had these guys by the ass! We had wounded them and drew the fight out long enough for them to run out of ammo and sent them running! Still we couldn't afford to let the get away and give them a chance to reassemble so they could attack again. We needed to catch them and have them locked up for their crimes and keep them from ever hurting anypony as long as they lived.
FWOOMP!
Gem's molotovs had come in handy as she hurled them into our enemy's path stopping them in their tracks. They then turned around to run the other way, they were met with another wall of fire blocking them from going anywhere until they were completely surrounded by flames on all sides. The bottles had been filled with cologne so they burned up very quickly. I would assume that the goons thought that once the fire subsided they could try running again and make their escape.
Nope. Denied. It turned out that Sparks had called in the Royal Guard from their capital city that sits on the side of a mountain in the distance. Instead of freedom, Tony's goons were met by another wall in their way. Completely surrounding them were at least two dozen big strong looking stallions clad in armor and pointing spears at the gang. Moments later, a white unicorn guy with a brilliant blue mane had pushed his way through the group of guards and he did not appear to be in a good mood.
"As captain of the Royal Guard..." The white unicorn began. "I am placing all of you under arrest!"
Sparks had told me before that her brother was the Guard Captain so It must have been him. As they proceeded to take the gang into custody, I decided to throw in my last two bits.
"Don't drop the soap, guys!" I yelled over at them. "You're gonna be locked up with a bunch of ponies who haven't gotten ass in a long time!"
It was over. With the help of my friends, we had taken the gang down and we could finally chill out and bask in the silence of victory. I then proceeded to survey the damage and took roll call of all of the gangsters being loaded up into a pony-drawn paddy wagon. All of the guys including the fatass Luigi had been captured and Joe was still passed out on the floor. That only lea-
POW!
We were indeed missing somebody as I had just figured out the hard way. I felt a sharp pain in my middle back hit me like a ton of bricks. If that's not the worst part, I looked down to see a lot of blood dripping out of my stomach area. I had been hit in a very vital area and the slug went right through the other side of me. I was no stranger to being shot but the worst I had before was just getting grazed in the arm. This topped everything tenfold.
I could no longer keep my footing if my life depended on it. Ironically it did though. I fell to my knees and twisted around and landed on my back. The pool of blood on the floor underneath me was growing in size at a very fast pace. Standing over me was my former boss with his chrome plated revolver pointed down at my face.
"Vinnie!" Sparks screamed at the top of her lungs as I heard the sound of several hooves rushing towards me.
I meant what I said before. I was going to save my only friends even if it killed me and I can honestly say that I did my job. I was about to get a bullet in my head with no way to escape and Tony was about to get speared and trampled by the Royal Guards. We were both about to die and he didn't care as long as he took me with him. I at least hope I had made peace with my maker before I left. I closed my eyes just before the final death blow was to rain down on me.
POW!
I winced as A shot came from where Tony was standing. It was all over. Don't get me wrong, I really didn't want to die but what bothers me more than anything is that my only friends had to see my skull get blown open. All I could do now is wait to be stood before the ultimate judge and hope he would point his thumb up instead of down. I drifted off to the afterlife with nothing but the sound of the hooves rushing towards me getting louder and louder still. It seemed odd to me that I could still hear it. I would have thought a .357 to the brain would kill me instantly. I finally saw the light but not the one I expected as my eyes opened to see Tony still standing there. The menacing look of death in his eyes was replaced by a numb, blank, zombie-like stare. Looking further upward at him, I noticed that the top part of his head was missing for some reason.
THUD!
It turns out that Tony was taken out before he had the chance to kill me as he flopped to the floor revealing spike standing a few yards away clutching my missing .38 snub-nose with smoke wafting out of the barrel. I was spared another shot but that sure as hell didn't mean I was outta the woods yet. Finally, the girls and the guard Captain reached me and came screeching to a halt.
"Vinnie, no!" Pinkster screamed, tears rushing down her face. "This can't happen! You weren't supposed to go like this!"
As my consciousness drifted away, the frantic yelling of the girls became less and less audible to me. Sparks' brother was trying his best to calm his sister down as he embraced her. I wanted to speak but as my eyelids got very heavy, I couldn't say anything for the life of me. Everything finally went completely dark and If I was even still alive, I was now depending on a healthcare system that was beyond Fluttershy's expertise and had no experience with my kind.
Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep...
I looked around the hospital room in a daze and observed my surroundings. As I faded in and out of consciousness, I noticed a fluid iv needle had been stuck in my right arm. Following the thin tube was a quarter full crimson red bag hanging on a pole a few feet above my head. Looking around even more revealed that I was hooked up to a heart monitor. As I started to gather myself and actually be able to think, I could hear a set of hooves slowly walking towards the room. I continued to observe my surroundings as a yellow Earth stallion with a brown mane and tail wearing a white lab coat trotted past the room having briefly peeked into the open door. Apparently having noticed my movement, he bolted back to double take, his heart monitor cutie make nearly glowing as much as the one I was hooked to.
"Girls!" The Doctor exclaimed. "He's waking up!"
No sooner did he finish his sentence did the floor start shaking like crazy. Great, I just get shot and a blood transfusion and now we got an earthquake. Wait, what? What kind of blood is going into me? There aren't any other humans around!
"Vinnie!" The girls exclaimed in unison as they sprinted into the room.
"Hey everypony, I'm ok!" I replied. "One question though."
"What's that, Vinnie?" Sparks asked.
"Who's blood is getting pumped into my arm? In my world, getting the wrong type can do more harm than good."
Just then, the group separated revealing Applejack in the other side of the room who then lifted her foreleg to show a gauze bandage with a small red spot on the knee or joint or whatever you call those.
"Nopony else here except Applejack and Pinkie had the right blood type." Twilight explained. "Pinkie's sugar level was too high to be safe for you and we didn't have time to find anypony else. I was able to use my magic to make it compatible with human blood but I would't have been able to make it the same type."
"Oh my God." I stuttered as I began to well up once more. "Jackie. You gave your *sniff* blood to save me? I-I owe you my *hic* life, buddy."
"And Ah'd do it again for yah, Vinnie." Jackie replied. "That's what friends do, sugarcube."
"Aw fuck I love you guys!"
The girls all joined me in a group hug when a sudden realization hit me.
"Oh shit!" I yelled. "Spike! Where is he?! Is he ok?!"
"I'm right here, pal!" Spike chimed as he ran into the room and jumped in to join our group hug.
"Spike, kid." I said. "I'm so sorry."
"About what, Vinnie?"
"I-I-I. Aw fuck man I'm so sorry you had to do that!"
At this point, I was sobbing uncontrollably. I had to kill for my job but I was a grown man by the time I had taken my first contract. Spike was just a kid and he just shot a man in the back of the head. Granted that the guy was a scumbag but a life is a life weather you like it or not. Taking one does't make you feel too hot no matter who's it was.
"I don't see what the big fuss is about." Spike replied, sounding confused. "I don't feel any different. The guy was gonna blow your head off so I popped his first."
Hmm. No remorse or regret for killing someone...must be a reptile thing. I confess, it did make me feel a little better that he wasn't emotionally destroyed but then again, we may want to keep an eye on him when he gets older.
"Mr. Scungilli!" Princess Celestia exclaimed as she entered the room with her back legs strapped to a wheelchair-like contraption. Her sister, Princess Luna followed behind her in the same state. "Equestria owes you our thanks for your selfless act of bravery!"
"It's no trouble, Your Highness." I replied. "It was the least I could do. Everypony here took me in as a friend. That's better than any amount of money I could ever have gotten my hands on."
"Speaking of which, my sister and I have discussed another matter as well." Princess Luna began. "You name it. Anything you could ever want. You deserve it for what you did for all of us. You have time to think it over while you recover from your wounds. We'd like to send you back to where you came with something to remember us by."
I thought for a moment on what the princess had just told me. I had already been given two of the best gifts imaginable. The magic of friendship and years added to my life because Sparks helped me ditch smoking. What more could I possibly want? That's when it hit me.
"Who said I was leaving?" I said to which everypony responded by starting another group hug and even began cheering.
"Consider it done!" Princess Celestia said. "The doctor says you will need at least a week to recover and during that time, I will start the process for your citizenship papers! We would be honored to have you as an official citizen of Equestria!"
"Thanks so much, everypony! Oh and there's also one small thing you could do for me. Well, more like for the entire world."
"Oh? And what would that be?"
"Destroy all of those guns. I came from a world that has those and this one doesn't need 'em. I think I've corrupted the place enough as it is."
"Captain Shining Armor, have the confiscated weapons thrown into a furnace."
"Yes, Your Highness!" Sparks' brother replied from outside the room.
My week long stay in the hospital went by a lot faster than I anticipated. Every single day, my friends would come to visit and Each morning I woke up, I started feeling better and better still. The Mayor and several other townsponies even stopped to see me and give me their personal thanks. I was also able to get to know Twi's bother and his wife. Such a cute couple. Yeah that's right, I said "cute". Big whoop, wanna fight about it? I'll worry about it when I start talking with a lisp.
Finally, the doctor gave me the green light and the hospital sent me on my way with a cane so I could walk right. I would only need it temporarily. On the day of my discharge, I was to meet The princesses and everypony else at the town hall where I would officially be made a citizen of this beautiful world. Kinda like being made except I didn't have to butcher a bunch of wiseguys for it. As I neared the town hall with my friends leading the way, I could see the royal sisters with the mayor behind a podium up on some kinda stage with everypony in town in front of them.
"Jeez, I didn't see that coming." I said surprised by the massive turnout. "All that to be made a citizen here?"
"Oh but of course, dear." Gem replied. "After all, you saved our town from those shit stains."
"No I didn't. We did! I'll be honest with ya though, it doesn't sound too ladylike hearing that come outta your mouth. Still funny though."
"Fillies and gentlecolts!" The mayor said as she addressed the crowd. "I'm sure you all know why we are here so unless you didn't hear the firefight that occurred at the town hall last week, I shall proceed. And now, put your hooves together for our dear friend. The human who saved us all and taught us an amazing lesson. That underneath the most hardened individual with the toughest past, there lives a wonderful friend who we can all get to know and love! Give it up for Vincenzo Scungilli!"
With the the signal given, I hobbled onto the stage over to the podium. I was never much for public speaking. Mostly because last time I tried it, I had to dodge a suspicious red dot that found its way to my chest. Nonetheless, I wasn't too worried about that happening here so I was actually quite excited.
"Thanks, Miss Mayor" I began. "Thank you all! I guess that is a nice lesson to have leaned but If it weren't for all of you being so accepting towards me, I'd be the same nothing I was when I first got here. All my life, I never had a real friend to speak of and Celestia knows I didn't really care so much at the time. But you showed me how wonderful friendship truly is! The fact that Equestria is granting me citizenship...well, that just proves where I really belong!"
I was shocked that I was able to keep it together. It proved very difficult to keep my emotions in check. The crowd was going absolutely nuts as Princess Celestia wheeled herself over to me with my paperwork hovering in her aura.
"Vinnie" Celestia began. "My sister and I have been thinking about this a lot. We feel that a few weeks here the way you are is fine but we don't think you would be comfortable living here the rest of your life as such. We have something in mind that will help you fit in better and be happier as a lifelong citizen."
"Uh, whadda ya mean?" I replied, very confused. "What are you getting at?"
"Vinnie, it is an absolute honor to name you an official citizen of Equestria!"
The princess then lowered her head and placed her glowing horn on top of my forehead. I had no idea what was to happen. I didn't have a clue what she was talking about and I was actually getting a bit anxious. The light was getting so bright, I could no longer keep my eyes open. When it faded away, I worked up the nerve to open them again.
"What the hell?" I said as I shook my head to snap out of a daze. "You wanna make me feel more comfortable by shrinking me? I don't get it."
"Not exactly, Vinnie" Sparks said. "Take a look at this."
I then turned to where she was standing to come face to face with mint green Earth stallion with a black mane and tail with a little gray in it. kinda similar to my hair. Friends with everypony or not, getting all up in my face is bad for ones health.
"Uh yeah I don't know if you were around for my drinking contest with RD..." I began. "But I said before, I don't wanna have to slap somepony around. Get outta my face!"
Just to add more insult, the smartass was moving his mouth in sync with every word that came out of mine. I don't know who this guy is but he was getting on my nerves.
"Yo, Vinnie!" Pinkster said.
"Not now, kid. I'm about to lay a smackdown on some punk!"
"But that's a mirror!"
"I don't give a f-What?!"
I then realized that the fist I was about to raise wasn't so much a hand anymore. I looked down where my hands used to be and was greeted by the sight of two non cloven hooves attached to forelegs the same mint green color as the punk in my way.
THUD!
Ok so the entire chain of events was a dream. It's gotta be, right? There's no way I fell into a central park fountain, met talking equines, made friends with them, shot a bunch of shit up and got turned into a pony.
SPLOOSH!
Nope. This is very real indeed.
"Holy Fuck!" I screamed as I was jolted awake by Pinkster's bucket once more. I then returned to my feet hooves to mentally process what had just happened. All seven of my best friends including spike were all standing before me with big smiles and watery eyes. I noticed that I even had a cutie mark. It looked like a heart made of stone with a bunch of stone chips breaking off of it revealing a softer pink heart inside. Judging by what the ponies have told me about what I taught them, I say that makes sense.
"How do yah feel, sugarcube?" Jackie asked.
"I feel like a-" I replied with a brief pause as I looked my new body over. "Er, hell I feel pretty good right now. I bet I could run a marathon and still have enough stamina to do it again."
"Not to mention you look incredibly handsome." Gem added.
"Oooooh. Soooooo handsome." Fluttershy said as she started squeezing my arm foreleg as if she was expecting me to flex.
"Uh Flutters, sweetie." I said as I gently withdrew my arm leg away from her. "You know I love you very mu-"
"Ohmigosh I love you too!"
"Gah, Lemme finish! I love you as a friend!"
I began running trotting away and Doc Flutters of course started to follow as the rest of the girls burst out into laughter.
"Vinnie, wait!" Fluttershy called out. "We should totally go ou-"
"Get me outta here!"
Just kidding. I think I'll manage once she snaps out of it and comes to her senses. In the meantime, I've got a whole new world to explore and call my permanent home.
