They never saw it coming their way. A death battle between friends. After 1000 years the enemy by the name of Dent Death comes back to equestria 8 selected ponies are forced to battle to the death. The only way he will be defeated is if 1 pony wins the whole game.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Dear lord.
2498506 good or bad
2498585 images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111107163024/mlp/images/thumb/c/c9/Rarity_crying_S02E05.png/640px-Rarity_crying_S02E05.png
2498585 Nice r34 avatar by the way.
2498978 1 It has been edited 2 it does thats why there was a prologue Three i went into example of how much stronger he is yes i didnt go into deep of their decision but i did say the spent 12 hours talking about it
2499013 thanks bro yours too
Dear god, this is physically painful to read.
There is utterly nothing here that is at all engaging. Yes, you have familiar characters entering a "death match" type scenario but even with this formula you've done nothing to remotely get the reader involved with the story. It all feels terribly rushed as well.
Take some time with your story. Don't rush ahead just to get to the exciting bits, part of it is the journey. There are still errors despite you having said it was edited. If need be, maybe get another editor to take a second glance and read over it.
Now, this Dent Death rubbish. Just simply don't. Fanfiction in of itself is supposed to be just that, fan made fiction of a popular story or idea. However, when you insert a character that is suddenly more powerful than a protagonist in the main canon, it adds far less credibility to not only the character being inserted, but to the original idea of the story. It's like making fanfiction of X-Files and inserting a character who was ten times smarter than Mulder and ten times hotter than Scully but they were still milling about in the background.
By purely making a villain powerful, you make a clearly uninteresting character. Perhaps if he somehow wormed his way into making this event happen or could some how make Celestia disappear, even kidnap the Mane Six and make them do battle while Celestia and Luna are off trying to find them somehow, anything besides he's simply an imposing fellow with a bigger horn than Celestia.
tl;dr: This needs work, but I feel like it could actually be something without all of the common pitfalls and tropes. Work on it, get a proper editor, fix some of these errors and slow down a little to work out your story.
/rant
Guys, I'm seeing a lot of negative comments here, shouldn't we, as readers give the author constructive criticism? AppleBandit is a perfect example of how to do constructive criticism here. We have to show fellow authors ways to better their work, it's the right thing and the nice thing to do.
2499376
I take it you're new to Fimfiction?
I thought it was good .3. I mean dayum...I thought for sure Pinkie would win(I'm not a huge Pinkie fan I just figured since she was really good with manipulation),but when AJ when all Kenshiro on her ass I was like "OH SHIT"..and then I fell in love with it :T
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2499541 wow man thanks :) yea very suspensful
2499529 I agree with you
2499344 I thoght i would get tons of these comments i was planing on every chapter people learn a bitmore about are buddy Dent
2499829
Odd that you can agree with an interrogative statement, but whatever floats your sinking ship.
grammar is not the best, but i like the story plot.
2499376 Hey I complimented his r34 avatar. That's more than enough.
2499830
Glad to see you glaze over everything else and head straight for defending your OC. In my opinion, you haven't laid out enough to even get me remotely interested in what this character is or does or what he likes for breakfast. But again, my opinion. I wish you luck in your writing endeavors.
2500076 just keep reading the new chapter between Twilight and Rainbow dash comes out in a few days
2499831 Well im not saying im fine with it was just explaining that i thought i would get a lot of those comments since i didnt put all the info about Dent in the first chapter
2501168 Thanks bro at first i was really taking it as a hate comment but now i love how u explain people just say boo u suck dick grammer sucks even though ive checked most of my grammer and if you do keep reading this story if you want i will most certainly do more with denty
2499529
Nope. I've been here a while. I just don't appreciate how everyone's a dick to new writers. I see it everywhere.
2504670 thanks bro
2504670
Too late to change culture, I suppose.
2505628 Gulp
Ew....
2512977 New chapter comes out in 2 days
You need to mark this as Incomplete, btw. For some reason it's 'Complete' even though you're still writing chapters for it.
2515119 K will do i must have accidentley clicked on it
2520828 You seem like a boss an I seem like a chineese wrighter wrighting at will
2521903 Yes sir *starts typing next chapter really fast*
2522458 So a king sizes hersey bar yes sir!
2525429 I wish my artist guy gets on skype soon so i cant tell him to get rid of a gaping vagina
2525642 If you know what i mean
No quotation marks, eh?
I hate you.
2498585
oi43.tinypic.com/30k4uxc.jpg
2548965 You hate me for that you all you need to do is tell me and i fix it
2549002
How can you not put quotation marks in the fic in the first place?
2549020 First story sorry i forgot
2549056
"first story" is not an excuse. You should know all this. They teach you about quotation marks in elementary school!
you guys are being jerks he is just starting off
2549064 Dude ur a jerk all he did was forget ok its simple you forget stuff ur just being a dick if you dont like his stroy then dont hit likebut dont dislike it he is trying to start off
2549132
Maybe you should learn to spell before you try to start a conversation with me.
2549150 Dude shut the fuck up he is right your an asshole gtfa from my story
2549361
"gtfa?" Try and act a little more mature so I can take you seriously and actually leave.
2549372 Get the fuck away is what means dumbass now go you dont even have any stories
2549376
And now you're just acting stupid.
Seriously, "get the fuck away" isn't going to just make the user think "Oh this guy means business" Maybe if you started to act a little more calm and reasonable and then ask me to leave, as you don't find the current situation comfortable, then i'll be on my way.
2549404 I tried I was trying to say all i did was forget i fixe but u keep saying omg he is an idiot for one mistake insted of calmly telling him i shall hate him your just a dick fuck you
2549416
I simply stated that one mistake, and then asked you how you could forget something as important as the quotation marks. Then pacmanplayer called me a jerk. However, since he called me a jerk whilst sporting horrendous grammar, spelling and punctuation, his comment was rendered stupid.