Chapter 5 The truth comes out
Diamond woke squinting to the sudden new light. She walked downstairs to see her best friend Silver Spoon sitting next to Eon on the sofa. "Oh, Silver Spoon what are you doing here?" asked Diamond Tiara.
"Well I heard what happened so I came here where one of your neighbors said you went," Silver Spoon explained, smiling. "Oh, well that is awesome," Diamond Tiara said slightly disappointed.
"You don't seem too happy to see her," Diamond's father said scratching his head slightly.
"Oh, but I am happy to see her," Diamond quickly reacted.
"Well I'm sure it was so boring without me," Silver Spoon laughed.
"Yeah it really was," Diamond laughed nervously.
"You seem shaky Diamond Tiara is everything alright?" Rich asked,
Diamond Tiara jumped up. "Yes everything is fine," Diamond Tiara said.
"Eon do you know anything about this?" asked Rich noticing a smile on Eon's face.
Eon looked at Rich. "Huh, oh, no I don't know what is wrong," lied Eon glancing at Diamond Tiara.
Rich stared at Eon waiting for another response. "What is it I am telling the truth," Eon covered up, he rubbed his blonde mane. "Alright Eon I'll believe you for now," Rich groaned still watching the friend.
"Alright every-pony I made breakfast," Eon said showing his guests to the table.
After the breakfast she knew one thing for sure that she was going to go to school today. She walked to class with Silver Spoon trying to avoid Sweetie Belle she was successful. "Okay so what did I miss?" asked Silver Spoon.
"Well we were learning about cutie marks again," groaned Diamond Tiara as she kept walking.
Silver Spoon nodded "Okay," Silver Spoon said.
Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon walked inside the classroom and sat at the normal seats they sat on. They sighed while in school however Silver Spoon was above average she always got at the least a A+ Diamond never understood that. The bell rang as all the ponies ran out Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon walked out. Diamond Tiara looked in her saddle bag and found she had forgotten her scarf at the bouquet. "Uh oh," Diamond said.
"Is everything alright?" asked Silver Spoon.
"Um, can we or just me make a stop at the Carousel Bouquet?" asked Diamond Tiara.
"Huh, why?" asked Silver Spoon.
"Um...I forgot my scarf when daddy forced me to play with that annoying blank flank," Diamond covered up.
"Oh, okay we'll stop there now," Silver Spoon said.
The fillies walked to the doorway. Diamond knocked on the door. The door swung open to the white mare. "Oh, Diamond Tiara what are you doing here?" asked Rarity.
"Um can I speak with you?" asked Diamond Tiara.
"Oh, but of course dearie," Rarity said walking her to her inspiration room. "Okay, so what did you want to talk me about?" wondered Rarity. "Well first I think I forgot my scarf somewhere in your bouquet, and second I was wondering if you can help me tell Silver Spoon?" asked Diamond Tiara more or less on her knees.
"Um, how?" asked Rarity.
"I can't think of how I would say it," Diamond Tiara said.
"That is up to you dearie," Rarity told Diamond Tiara.
"Okay fine," Diamond said.
"Oh and here is your scarf," Rarity used her magic to bring it to her.
While on the back to Diamond's house Diamond Tiara stopped Silver Spoon. "Um...Silver Spoon, can I tell you something?" asked Diamond Tiara.
"Of course we are best friends in all," Diamond couldn't bring her to say the words.
"While you were gone me and Sweetie Belle were playing a online game together as well...friends I like online games now," Diamond expected to hear a reaction from her best friend.
"Well that is no problem, I might not like online games but if you like them I'll be willing to give it a shot," Silver Spoon grinned. "Really?" asked Diamond Tiara.
"Well yeah," Silver Spoon said. "So what want to go get my laptop and play in your room?" asked Silver Spoon.
"Um no, meet me at the Carousel Bouquet," Diamond smiled.
"Okay see you there," smiled Silver Spoon.
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Ok.
Hay Qos41 I'm only 13 and I am able to write moderately well is that impressive?
2643265 Don't tell me you didn't like it.
Oh well one man's opinion I guess.
2643289
It's ...nice. :)
2643300 Anything that can make it better? I am open to suggestions you know, I am also open to suggestions on my stories or other stories.
2643280 you're thinking too highly of me
the ending suited the story and gave a valuable lesson on friendship
but my writing skill are a bit good )
which is good this being mlp friendship is magic and all
but you didn't include the robber identity ,it was what i was waiting for this chapter
the ending was a bit anticlimactic for the reason above but still great
finally, i advice you to write more and read more for the benefit of your writing skills (i'm more of a reader myself
2643309 for a long time i thought the fillies actually said "hay"
its hey* 
hay is a plant that horse and other cattle eat, this is either an elaborate bun or a spelling mistake
Does everyone like the story other then the two who don't like it.
I liked the idea, but maybe you should get a prereader for your next story. I would do it but I'm really busy with year 12, sorry :(
I've often heard it said that writing a story is an art, though others claim it's more of a science. I personally see it as both, but it's up to the author to decide which of the two gets preference. If the author chooses art, more effort is placed into making the story more interesting and exciting. If the author chooses science, there's more effort involved in making the story more technically proper. However, an author isn't restricted to giving preference to merely one of two categories. Sometimes he simply wants to exploit his creative freedoms and write something entirely his way. This level of unpredictability is akin to a volatile explosion, and it's through this method that some of the greatest and worst stories of all time are created.
This story means to tell the tale of Diamond Tiara living in a futuristic Equestria. Ponykind has made technological advances that have brought them all the way into the Information Age and given them television, portable computers, phones, and no doubt central air conditioning. Yet, this technology does nothing to protect this filly from one of nature's most sinister weapons: embarrassment. As a matter of fact, it's that very technology that causes her strife.
Silver Spoon is going out of town to an undisclosed location for an undisclosed amount of time. Bored, Diamond turns to Sweetie Belle and becomes interested in the World of Ponycraft. Complications arise as Diamond begins going over to Sweetie's house to play with her, and the pink filly has feelings of apprehension as she considers what will happen upon Silver's return. Then, the story climaxes as Diamond's house is robbed and she's forced to live with her babysitter while they seek out the criminal. Finally, Silver Spoon returns and Diamond, not wanting to cause a rift between them, admits her secret and is met with the kind of understanding that true friendship creates.
I would like to say I greatly enjoyed this story. I would like to say I finished reading this story feeling immensely satisfied, ready to sing its praises among the hilltops for all to hear. I would like nothing more but to have only positive things to say about this story and be able to dismiss any criticisms as trivial and nitpicking. Sadly, doing these things wouldn't be beneficial to you as a writer, so I must press onward.
You see, there are four levels of story quality in storytelling. The first level is for pieces nothing short of masterpieces, having little to no errors and amazingly addictive story elements. The second level is for very well-written stories, technically correct in all areas, but lacking the real hook that makes them truly shine. The third level is for average, run-of-the-mill stories that generally are decently written and don't have much to offer outside of what they initially propose. Finally, we have the fourth level, which contains stories that may have an interesting plot or a decent idea but are ultimately bogged down by the writing to, at worst, a point of incomprehensibility. I'm sorry to say, I was able to deduce this story's level by the second sentence:
This is a good example sentence that showcases some of your common problems. Looking at the positives, you seem to have a relative understanding of how quotations work, you clearly indicate who is speaking, and you used the correct form of 'to'. However, take a closer look at this sentence. Yes, 'tomorrow' is misspelled, you are missing an 'a' between 'have' and 'thing', and you forgot to capitalize 'Spoon', but there's a more important mistake you are making in this sentence, which you continue to make often throughout the entirety of the story. This quote is a run-on sentence. It's two sentences conjoined into one without any punctuation separating them. "So see you tomorrow" is one sentence, and "Sorry, but I have a thing my parents are dragging me to" is another. If I were to rewrite it myself, it would look something like this:
"I'll see you tomorrow. Sorry, but I have a thing my parents are dragging me to," said Silver Spoon.
(Note how I ended the quotation with a comma. Another writer tip: when a character is speaking, there has to be some form of punctuation before the end quotes.)
Run-on sentences are a common mistake for new writers, and the more you practice spotting them, the better you can become at avoiding them. I would suggest using your story as an exercise. Try going through it and finding as many run-on sentences as you can. It's an effective way to learn from your mistakes.
From a technical standpoint, that's all this sentence has to give us, but it's also a good example for your common storytelling errors. Silver's parents are dragging her to a 'thing' at 8:30 PM. Given the time and her feelings toward it, it's most likely either a family commitment or some late showing of a boring movie or opera. It's an effective way to explain what happens to Silver without her being too involved if perhaps an overly vague one. However, the next day, Diamond finds a note on her door that says she'll be gone for three days. From what I can figure, Silver found out a family member died during that 'thing' and left town to attend the funeral. Again, effective if somewhat vague, but there's a deeper problem in all this. Since both of Silver's events are vague and unimportant, the second one makes the first one excessive. Do you see what I mean? If Silver had said she would be gone for three days the first time, you could have removed the scene with the note on the door and nothing would have been lost.
When writing a story, it's important to make sure that all of your story elements have meaning. This story is about Diamond liking online games and the social stigma involved with it, but given how much else goes on, it's hard to say that's the real focus. In addition, despite how much else goes on, there's never really any payoff from it. Cheerilee asks Diamond why she's tired. Diamond gives her an answer and nothing comes of it. Eon gets taken in for questioning. He gets cleared and nothing comes of it. Diamond's house gets robbed. The robber gets arrested and nothing comes of it. Sweetie takes the time to explain what an escort mission is. They play an escort mission without us seeing any of it. Diamond asks Rarity for help because she can't tell Silver Spoon her secret. Rarity refuses, so Diamond tells Silver her secret and there's no real problem. Every one of these plot points could have driven the story forward or affected it in some meaningful way. Cheerilee could have become concerned about Diamond's tiredness and intervened later in the story. Eon could have actually been the robber or been falsely arrested for it, and Diamond could have had emotional conflict from it. Sweetie and Diamond could have bonded during the escort mission somehow, resulting in character growth. When Diamond asked Rarity for help, Sweetie Belle could have overheard and given her opinion of it all. Given that everything was really from Diamond's POV, it would have been a good opportunity to let us know what Sweetie thought of it all, especially since she seemed so content with everything throughout the entire story.
The chapter titles are a bit too on the nose. The reader can infer basically everything that happens in each chapter before actually reading it, minus the robbery and the babysitter, of course. Also, you might want to work on your consistency with capitalization of chapter titles. Generally, every word in a chapter title should be capitalized with the exception of articles and short supporting words like 'a', 'an', 'the', 'of', etc. There's also barely any spacing in this story. All the sentences are bunched together, which can make it difficult to read sometimes. It's best to have white space whenever the speaker changes (including the narrator).
This story has its fair share of problems, but don't let that discourage you. Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly at first, and any skill can be improved and mastered with a little time and patience. I'd suggest looking into working on avoiding run-on sentences, and take an in-depth look at some stories by more experienced writers to see what you can pick up.
I thought it was a bit odd that Diamond thought about what Rarity said the day after she first heard it. Must have been a delayed reaction. Also, I was surprised to see that Rarity left her boutique and moved into a bouquet of flowers. I guess that's innovation for you.
Culinarily speaking, I'd call this story a marshmallow sandwich. It's pretty messy and simple, but it's definitely a start at making something truly delicious.
Make the most!
2648131 Yeah well I am quite young I am 13 and home schooled, so I never learned much about writing in school but thanks for your honesty I appreciate it.
2648204
Keep at it. Everyone has to start somewhere.
spatsnaz pinkie pie what was the deleted comment I am curious.
This takes place in the future, doesn't it?
2702588 Kind of.
I'd just like to say before I read this... that's the best damn description to a fanfic I've ever read.
2782164I feel you are being sarcastic. by the way I wasn't the best at writing at that time and or now.
2782184 Well, that explains the not-so-great spelling/punctuation... I suppose I can let that slide.
2782202 I was planning on rewriting.
2782234 Alright, then. I'd love to see a Fanfic with a bit more... thought put into it. Not that I don't think you did, it's just the story seems a bit rushed and poorly edited. So, just tell me when you're done with whatever changes you plan on making, then I'll review what's left.
Alright, I've waited long enough, going to review this fanfic as my next vid.
PREPARE YOURSELVES FOR THE UTTER RIPPING APART OF THIS FANFIC 
(From a guy who doesn't like pissing off a ton of people, so won't be very brutal. But as brutal as my morality allows.
)
2972205 Well, when you finish please PM me. I'd like to see the major destruction of my story.