Short Shorts

by Coranth

110. Flankhole (Songfic)

Foals, I'd like to sing a song about the Equestrian Dream
About me, about you, the way our Equestrian hearts beat
Down in the bottom of our chests, about the special feeling

We get in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles
Maybe in the sub-cockle area, maybe in the liver
Maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon, we don't know

I'm just a regular Mare with a regular job
I'm your average noble, Canterlot snob
I like friendship and magic and books about Lore

I've got a huge 'ol castle, with a nice hardstone floor
My life, my friends, my books and my Court
My hooves on my table, and a Friendship Report

But sometimes that just ain't enough
To keep a mare like me interested
(Oh no)
No way
(Uh-uh)

No, I've gotta go out and have fun
At other ponies' expense
(Oh yeah)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I fly really slow in the ultrafast lane
While pegasi behind me are going insane

I'm a flankhole
(She's a flankhole, what a flankhole)
I'm an flankhole
(She's a flankhole, such a flankhole)

I use public libraries and rearrange the books
And allthewhile the librarians
Give me dirty looks

I'm a flankhole
(She's a flankhole, what a flankhole)
I'm a flankhole
(She's the world's biggest flankhole)

Sometimes I sit in handicapped spaces
While handicapped ponies make handicapped faces

I'm a flankhole
(She's a flankhole, what a flankhole)
I'm a flankhole
(She's a real bucking flankhole)

Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong

Nah!

I'm a flankhole
(She's a flankhole, what a flankhole)
I'm a flankhole
(She's the world's biggest flankhole)

You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get myself a Royal Chariot, just like Celestia's
Solid gold, with fifteen inch rims, all red velvet interior
And huge, raw amethysts for headlights, yeah
And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115 mph

Getting one mile per guardspony, sucking down quarter pounder
Hayburgers from McDragon's in the old fashioned non-biodegradable
brass containers, and when I'm done sucking down those grease
ball burgers

I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the Equestrian Flag
And then I'm gonna toss the brass containers right out the side
And there ain't a goddamned thing anybody can do about it
You know why? Because we got the 'bows, that's why

Two words, nuclear fucking rainbows, okay?
Zebrica, Griffony, Draconia
They can have all the Harmony they want
They can have a big Harmony cake walk
Right through the middle of Tienancolt square

And it won't make a lick of difference
Because we've got the 'bows, okay? Princess Luna's not dead
She's banished and as soon as we find the Elements of Harmony
We're gonna restore Princess Luna and she's gonna be pretty pissed off
You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower?

Well multiply that by 15 million times
That's how pissed off Luna's gonna be
I'm gonna get Luna and Princess Cadance

(Hey)
And Shining Armor
(Hey)
And Big Macintosh
(Hey)
And a case of whiskey and drive down to Ponyville
(Hey, you know you really are a flankhole)
Why don't you just shut-up and sing the song pal

I'm a flankhole
(She's a flankhole, what a flankhole)
I'm a flankhole
(She's the world's biggest flankhole)

--This graffiti was found penned neatly on the wall at the very back of the Canterlot Palace Library, where one T. Sparkle formerly made her home. Needless to say, Princess Celestia was not impressed.

Comments

[Officer Hotpants]

Took me forever to put my finger on why this sounded familiar.

[Melancholy Angel]

Dafuq?
This sounds familiar.

[APS]

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