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LRGC carmine

Joined January 2013
9 followers

Stories (2)

  • Apollo
    As a young colt Roka knew that he was different as a Pegasus he could always perform magic stronger magic then Luna and Celestia.

    1,017 words · 173 views · 3 likes · 15 dislikes
  • The War Between Myself and The War to Win Equestria!
    Hey my names jet and i'm 14 i'm in my last year of middle school and all I have to say is my life is about to change for the better.
    2,536 words · 218 views · 3 likes · 38 dislikes

Hey my names jet, i'm 14 and i'm in my last  year of middle school and all I have to say is my life is about to change for the better.  My day started out like always. Waking up and wishing I was dead. As I got ready for school that day I looked at my wrist. The cuts were healing but still puffy and red. Yes I cut myself and you will soon understand why.

You must read my story to know why though?

First Published
10th May 2013
Last Modified
10th May 2013

Comments ( 50 )

#1 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · 8 · ·

Hey my names jet, i'm 14

protagonist is 14 years old.

Waking up and wishing I was dead

oh, this guy hates mornings...guess what?!

The cuts were healing but still puffy and red. Yes I cut myself

NOPE, he's emo.

my MMA trainer says

stopped reading right thee. an emo kid whose an MMA fighter.... seriously?:ajbemused:

i'm not going to read this, he's propably a mary sue, and you tried to balance him by making him emo.

and now you know why i downvoted.

Comment posted by LRGC carmine deleted at 8:16pm on the 10th of May, 2013
#3 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · · 15 ·

>>2557737Jet is an MMA fighter by choice and call him emo all you want to be if u were to read farther you will learn why he cuts

#4 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · 3 · ·

Alright, I'm going to be perfectly honest.

The title put me off.

The war between myself and the war to win equestria!

It should be like this:

The War Between Myself and The War to win Equestria

#5 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2557779 sorry about that

#6 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · · ·

are u even reading the story after the first chapter

#7 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · 5 · ·

>>2557749 sorry but it didn't take me long to nope the fuck out of there

#8 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · · 5 ·

>>2557822 can u at least try reading after that part you never know

#9 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2557826 i did, i read the whole thing

#10 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2557829 and it really sucked that bad

#11 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · 3 · ·

No no NO!

Do more than 1k words in each chapter!

Atleast combine two chapters into one.

#12 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2557843 i feel rushed when i have to read 1k words in school and i wanted something people could read in maybe 15 min

#13 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2557832 well, it needs to be improved.

sadly, i can't help with that since whenever i try to write something, i write 1 page and then i scrap it because i keep bringing myself down... right now i have 5 unfinished stories just laying there, gathering dust... figuratively speaking

#14 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2557848 this is the secound time i boomed a story

#15 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2557847

15 minutes each chapter?

Or 15 minutes the whole damn thing?

#16 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2557876 how fast of a reader r u

#17 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2557881

Not too fast...

Finished this story (or what it is so far) in 5 minutes

#18 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2557899 well that was the start i started working on a 1k one today and it will be finshed maybe next friday

#19 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2557908

Combine chapters

#20 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · 3 · ·

"Something you can read in 15 minutes". Ha. This isn't even three minutes. If he's based off you, that would make you fourteen... Yes, I can believe that. Your writing is at least as bad as a 14-year-old's. You don't have the slightest clue about romance or plot pacing. Plus, this is not the kind of plot that should be turned into a speed read like you said you wanted. You know you need work when writing a mere 1,000 word chapter takes effort.

Do yourself a favor and read the FiMFiction writing guide. It's your only hope. If you don't have time to read something that long, then only read one or two sections at at time. Also, pay attention and do your homework in English class. Your teachers know what they're talking about.

#21 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · 1 · ·

*Reads Title* :twilightoops:

So, let me get this straight.  This story is about your character, who is fighting a war against a war to win Equestria.  Um, quick question.  Feel free not to answer, but uh, how does one declare war on a war? :rainbowderp:

#22 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · · ·

*sigh* What to say first about this story...

Please, do yourself a favor and read this:

FIMFiction Writing Guide

It'll help, trust me...I think.

#23 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · 4 · ·
#24 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2558266 Huh.  Touché.  Not sure if that's what the author meant, but touché nonetheless. :duck:

#25 · Chapter 2 · 62w, 4d ago · 11 · ·

thank fully

I know, right? Isn't fully such a nice guy?

#26 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · 1 · ·

>>2557779

No, the title should be something like this:

The War Between Myself (Gary B. Stu's the Name!) and the War to Win my Power Fantasy Variant of Equestria

Eldorado
Moderator
#27 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2557848 If you need help with keeping your spirits up, or general writing advice and the like, we exist.

#28 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2558820 thanks for the invite, i'll start writing my stories again when school and work is over. which should be in about two to three months or so.

Eldorado
Moderator
#29 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2558856 No problem. I hate seeing people give up writing because they don't think they're any good. I'm sure someone in the group will take an interest in what you've got.

#30 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · 3 · ·

Absolutely terrible.

Too many mistakes and poor decisions, not sure where to begin criticism.

General stuff: capitalization, punctuation, grammar.

Other: nonsensical plot, OOC ponies, ridiculous main character.

Just... no.

#31 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2558905 yeah, i've got 3 stories unposted and on hiatus and lots of ideas, but school and work comes first i'm afraid.

Eldorado
Moderator
#32 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2558921 That's certainly the right attitude. Although if you want to create threads about your ideas and get some people throwing advice at you before you actually submit anything, you can go ahead with that. The group's more about working closely you at all stages of fiction writing than, say, Looking for Editors or the other factory-style input-output editing houses. Very informal. If you follow the few basic rules we have on the main page, most people in the group (who actively participate) are pretty chill.

#34 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · 3 · ·

Dudebro, the way you write makes it seem like you've never touched a book in your life.

#35 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · · ·

Writer?

What R U Doing?

Writer?

Staaaahhhp!

I think I lost a couple IQ points trying to wade through this. You're 14 which means you're not going to be writing at a high level. That's understandable so don't take the negative comments too hard. But your story was so bad it gave me cancer. Actual cancer. The pacing and plotting were terrible, your spelling is awful, the chapters are laughably short and what the hell is up with your quoting?

When somebody speaks you use quotation marks but you only use them to show where they're speaking. You don't include the stage directions. So when you write:

“Hey. I said."

“Hey. Amber said."

"What’s up? I asked."

“Nothing really I just wanted to thank you. She said."

You should be writing:

“Hey, " I said.

“Hey, " Amber said.

"What’s up?" I asked.

“Nothing really I just wanted to thank you, " she said.

See that? The quotes only go around the parts where you're doing the speaking. And, the other real problem with this is that the dialogue sections are just dialogue and nothing else. Give us something to work with here. Let us know what's going through your mind as this is happening. Tell us what Amber is doing as she's standing there. For example you could have written something like:

**********************

“Hey, " I said trying my best to not look nervous. I quickly ran my fingers through my hair just in case they were out of place. I smiled weakly while trying to look cool and nonchalant.

“Hey, " Amber said as her right hand went to her hair and nervously twisted some around her finger

"What’s up?" I asked, my voice almost cracking trying to get the words out.

“Nothing really I just wanted to thank you, " she said shyly. Amber bit her lower lip slightly as if she wanted to say something else but was too nervous to do so. What a pair we must have looked, just standing there like a couple of stupid teenagers which fit considering that's what we were.

*********************

Do you get the point? I'm painting a picture here with words and giving the reader an image of what's going on. As a writer this is imperative that you do otherwise we're lost and most will not even give your story the chance it might deserve.

#36 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · · ·

Hey my names jet

dude c'mon man

#37 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · · ·

This is bad.

Even for a 14 year old this is disappointing. Normally a poor writer can be improved by just writing more and more, but I think you need to do some reading first.

Read books. Good books; the kind they force you to read in school anyway, or that critics all insist are classics. It can be in whatever genre you like (even fantasy), there's good works out there of every kind, even for your age range. If you won't sit still to read a few hundred pages, read short stories (but seriously, if you can't read a hundred pages you've got problems).

Read the good books and pay attention to what makes them good. How they're written, how characters are introduced and developed, how dialogue is written, etc. It's OK to write poorly, especially at the start, but you have some learning to do before writing if you want anything other than laughter and pity and down-votes in even a place of dubious literary quality like the internet.

#38 · Chapter 2 · 62w, 4d ago · 1 · ·

You need to look at the writer's guide.

What is said goes in between these ---> " " <---. He said/ cried/ yelled goes after.

#39 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 4d ago · 2 · ·

>>2558210

by f*cking for virginity!

by hunger striking against anorexia!

Holding the next weight watchers meeting in an all you can eat buffet!

by... by....

Damn it! I ran out.

#40 · Chapter 1 · 62w, 3d ago · · ·

More an advertisement than a story, from the very first words. I don't need to read further. :facehoof:

#41 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 3d ago · · ·

>>2557779 Speaking of the title, it's always advisable to treat a fanfic as an art piece. Always capitalise a word unless it's an article like "the" or "and".

#42 · Chapter 3 · 62w, 3d ago · · ·

Then who was phone?

#43 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 3d ago · 1 · ·

Crappy grammar, no pacing, Gary Stu, stupid OC, shorts ( almost inexistent ) chapters.

Read some story before trying to write your own.

#44 · Chapter 3 · 62w, 1d ago · · ·

So... they were saying everything and ending it with "he/she said?" That's rather interesting.

#45 · Chapter 7 · 62w, 23h ago · · ·

>>2573682 crap i just realized that my bucking editor who i shll not speak of got lazy:facehoof: i need a new one

#46 · Chapter 2 · 61w, 6d ago · 2 · ·

There's so much spaghetti coming out of this story that I could feed a fucking army.

#47 · Chapter 7 · 61w, 5d ago · · ·

>>2584347 witch one some army's are bigger than most

#48 · Chapter 7 · 60w, 2d ago · · ·

>>2584347

Hey man, me and Swith are coming to pick up the left-over spaghetti from last week. How much you got?

#49 · Chapter 7 · 60w, 2d ago · 1 · ·

>>2585182

When he says army, he's obviously referring to the Russian Federation's.

#50 · Chapter 7 · 59w, 4d ago · 2 · ·

>>2560860 By having an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting at a brewery.

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