Apollo

Normal #1 · Jul 6th, 2013 · · ·

na.leagueoflegends.com/board/attachment.php?attachmentid=682229&d=1368254288

Seriously even your bucking description screams "I'm a motherfucking Gary Stu!"

And your longer description? I don't think it's even heard of the English language.

I'll read through the actual story and "review" it but first I'd like to point out the fact that the names in the two descriptions dont match up.

Also spell out any numbers you have. IE 7 becomes seven

Air becomes heir, peek becomes peak. Their becomes there. You're becomes your. Were becomes where. Dose becomes does.

If you want an explanation on why the switch with any of the words above just ask. You can't improve truly without knowing what you did wrong.

First off I'd like to point out that the current writing style you have employed is very bland and very, very boring. You should and need to use description. I know nothing about this war, I care nothing for this king of magic and I understand that not much was known about him but you could've easily made the first lines about Apollo hundreds of words.

Another thing stories come about by lucky coincidences, yes, however this lucky coincidence its too lucky. You don't just see a starving kid and hey I should question him to see if he's who I'm looking for, oh goody he is! Also he askes him his father's name and he says he's Apollo's kid so why bother asking his mother's name? And then we learn they are blood related?

And have another because Anna is not a pony name

Also your story, due to its simple lack of anything, is confusing, when does this thing take place?

I'm basically lost at this point even after reading over the section several times.

LRGC carmine

LRGC carmine #2 · Jul 6th, 2013 · · ·

Reply

2832775 thanks for ur comment but this story is going to be more than one chapter and i will take in consideration about the errors and fix them when i can

MintyRest

MintyRest #3 · Jul 6th, 2013 · 2 · ·

Reply

Yeah. This is kind of the worst thing I've seen in years. It's actually sort of impressive, because there's just fundamental misunderstandings of dialog, prose, and character design.

You've got some major underlying issues in that your story doesn't actually seem to need any of the trappings of being on this site. With a slight rewrite, this story could be about anything, and needs no ponies in it at all. I'd be glad to go over this in more detail if you'd like, but this is marvelously horrifying.

Normal

Normal #4 · Jul 6th, 2013 · · ·

Reply

2832822
I think you should try to contact one of the groups on the site and ask for help from an editor. This site is full of people like that who are more then willing to help out

LRGC carmine

LRGC carmine #5 · Jul 6th, 2013 · · ·

Reply

2832841 this is my best one yet i just work untill i get good but i promas that i have an editor now

Comment posted by LRGC carmine deleted Jul 6th, 2013

LRGC carmine

LRGC carmine #7 · Jul 6th, 2013 · · ·

Reply

2832844 i have one now

Goodbye

Goodbye #8 · Jul 6th, 2013 · 1 · ·

Reply

Wait, this is a story?!

firestripe

firestripe #9 · Jul 6th, 2013 · · ·

Reply

I'm usally not one to judge grammar and layout in a story because my stories are grammatical garbage, but this story has so many red flags. I seriously recommend you read the writing guide for it will help you alot. This story flow's horribly and has all the wrong layout and lacks proper punctuation. Seriously, read this story out loud how it is, it just dosent sound right... Maybe get a pre-reder?

kaancak

kaancak #10 · Jul 6th, 2013 · · ·

Reply

My eyes...

They burn.

Mr Ignorable

Mr Ignorable #11 · Jul 6th, 2013 · 8 · ·

Reply

2832917 :D guess what time it iiiiis!

A "review" by Mr. Ignorable
Side effects may include awesomeness and temporary loss of sides.

Description:

a young colt his parents died at a young age his father before he was born

Oh my fucking god of horses. Op is a time-traveler who spits in the face of grammar.

He has been living under a tree for 3 years now

I would say the expression's "living under a rock" but you got the general gist of it.

and hes sickly but that all changes one fateful day.

OH MY. SEEMS LIKE JESUS CHRIST PAID OUR HEROIN HEROINE A VISIT.

Chapter 1:

7 years ago the king of magic died his name was Apollo

I THOUGHT GREEK GODS COULDN'T DIE.

Not a lot about him is known other than he brought the world to peace with his magic and ended all wars

AND THUS, THE KINGDOM OF GOD DESCENDED UNTO MAN PONES.

but his body took the biggest tol

Read: anal sex with the asian continent.

My air will be born soon

AND LO AND BEHOLD, THE SON OF GOD DESCENDED INTO THE SKY VIA ANALLY PROPELLED METHANE.

Yeah right was all I could think

Hey author I think you missed a FUCKING EVERYTHING RELATED TO GRAMMAR in this sentence. Just thought you should know :3.

After the two princess took over war between the lands have been at full peek.

APPARENTLY THIS IS MODERN WAR MOUNTAIN 4: HIMALAYAN EDITION.

"Well this book is crap too

Congratulations author. Your life is shit.

The colt looks back at me scared.

What's to be scared about? It's just a young boy and an adult stallion who has no relation to him. Alone. At night. In an alleyway. Together. With hardons.

"I'm sorry please don't hurt me

THEY ALL SAY THAT IN THE BEGINNING.

"I'm not gonna hurt you."

Much.

"Then what are you gonna do then."

Sex and sexing accessories.

"I live under a tree."

A young colt about 7 or so father died this could be him the son of Apollo.

LOGICAL. FUCKING. PROGRESSION.

"7 years ago my mother said he was a great man."

Oh, excuse me. I thought this was a PONY story.

Looks through bag find a sandwich.

THIS ISN'T RP FAG. THIS. IS. WAR.

"You see my cutie mark its a glass with chocolate milk right?"

BECAUSE ONCE YOU GO BLACK. YOU NEVER GO BACK.

"I can make anything into chocolate milk."

That is...the shittiest superpower ever.

That's a lie no-pony is born with a cutie mark."

AND THUS, THE STARBORN ONE REVEALED HIMSELF TO THE WORLD AND ALL IT'S WOMEN WHO IMMEDIATELY TONGUE BATHED HIM IN THEIR OVULAR JUICES.

"As the heavenly light cascades and the depths of hell rise and over take my magic, I will be stronger then even Apollo but it will cause a great power surge that will last for 10 seconds and then all will be normal."

Author do you even english language.

Let's

JESUS H. MAMMOTH FUCKING CHRIST. FINALLY.

"I will. I will with all my life!"

I WILL THROW ALL THE LIFE I HAVE IN MY BALLS ALL OVER HIS BEAUTIFUL PRE-PUBESCENT FACE IN MY DUNGEON I MEAN BASEMENT I MEAN TEACHING INSTITUTION.

"Good bye old friend!"

>just met the bastard.

"That's the spirit let’s go!"

“Ye who enter,abandon all hope.” -Dante Alighieri

Normal

Normal #12 · Jul 6th, 2013 · · ·

Reply

2833646
Those are they best kind!

airbournesquid

airbournesquid #13 · Jul 6th, 2013 · · ·

Reply

Well, I've had my daily dosage of 'wut'.

The story is rushed, the grammar is bad, the premise isn't really explained. This won't be going anywhere. If you want my suggestion, here it is: go back to the drawing board. Dump this story entirely and come up with something new. Hone your grammar and, when you feel up to giving it another shot, spend ALOT more time on your fic. You summed up your lore and premise in a single, small paragraph. Where is this story set? what is the time? What war is being mentioned and what were both of the parties motives? It's confusing, random, and a far cry from a good read.

But I wouldn't get myself down if I were you. You wrote a bad fic, but that only means that there's room for improvement. Just try to touch up on your grammar, because it seriously needs some improvement.

Not Falco