(EDIT: THIS STORY IS BEING REVISED AND RE-SUBMITTED)
Equestria is a world full of life, adventure, and friendship. Twilight Sparkle is a resident of this world, experiencing all the joys of an successful Equestrian lifestyle. However, one day, a pony of a fallen world brings himself into this to view, to reveal a horrible, horrible truth that shapes both his mind and hers as well.
Rated Teen for light swearing and grim themes.
This is my first fan-fiction, please identify any problems within, keep criticism clean please.
Chapters (2)
Whelp here we go... my first MLP fan-fiction and one of the few stories I've ever wrote 'for fun.'
feedback is gold guys. I want to hear from you all!
oh and expect Chapter 2 to get a lot more... saucy.
I don't see why this story doesn't have a higher rating. The premise alone is cool! Here, I don't usually give out stars til the end of a story, but it needs some, so I'll send them in early!
197360
only joking
I'm never good with romance.
If this is really your first fic, then you're off to a strong start. I'll be tracking and see what happens with it.
Just a few things I picked up on while reading and thought they could use the attention:
High above the land below, a earth pony
>an earth pony
Inching further and further, the top of the chasm was in view.
>I'd reccomend "inching further and further, the top of the chasm came into view."
Turning to the pointed end, he hacked at the rusty lock, to which it quickly broke in two and fell to the ground.
>I'd say that's a little inconsistant seeing as, if I read this right, the door is already in the ground. Really, you could say the lock split in two and then he threw the chunks into the giant chasm he just climbed out of.
Maybe there there will confetti ooh and balloons oh oh
>the oh ohs can stay, but the double there (also you should put "be" after there).
I'm sure she would of told us..."
>Would have
Oh I hope Rarity won't mind us sneaking in... Twilight questioned to herself.
>She's not questioning herself here.
he sighed in exhaustion and rubbed the sweat from his mane, when it suddenly occurred to him. "THERE'S AIR CONDITIONING?"
>This part is unclear; if you could show us that it was hot or cold, or some kind of temperature related difference, that would be useful.
He was wearing a lab coat that covered his flank. Impossible to see his cutie mark.
>I would reccomend here either
A) Getting rid of that second sentence completely
B) combine the two sentences. "He was wearing a lab coat that covered his flank, making it impossible to see his cutie mark.
Also, a ton of ellipsi (is that the singular of ellipses?) abuse. Not everything has to have a dramatic pause.
Other than those listed above, and a few misc. grammar errors, you're doing tremendously well. You're building up an amazing world with a lot of mystery and suspense, not to mention cool science! I wonder how these two vastly different worlds will come into play... For this, you've captured my attention and have earned a tracker. Keep writing and try and find a person to look over your chapters with you. Chances are, he/she will find some errors you missed and help your story look even more fantastic than it already is.
210544
Still, much obliged, my boy. I shall make some adjustments, maybe find a pre-reader. BACK TO WORK!
Oh now it makes sense. Wonderfully put good author, good show. Keep on writing!
Ok guys. This fiction is coming down (being deleted) tomorrow.
I'm going to re-write it to better fit my tastes and my increasing writing skills.