Showing you the darker, more realistic side of MLP in my writing. Smoking, swearing and being a bastard, but that's nothing new with me. Got a cigarette?
In a night of blissful peace, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie lay on Pinkie's couch together. They both think back to the time before they were in love, when they suffered in great agony and sorrow. In this moment of intimate passion though, they refuse to let go of one another.
Made in honor of my editor and best author friend on this site, Miss Dark Angel. She's a fan of this pairing and this is personally my third favorite pairing, hope you all enjoy.
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Well, I gave it my view at least... didn't like it too much honestly... sorry authordude. oh what the heck, like anyway!
It was great bro! my only problem with this is that is way too short! (Kidding), nah its great bro, I bet Miss Dark Angel will be very happy with this one!
2419707 Hah, I was very happy to see this one. I edited it, so I saw it beforehand, but nonetheless, it was a very great gift. It was a very enjoyable story. Very dark at some points, but Inferno seems to do splendid with that genre. And by the end, it's quite heartwarming, I can't help but smile. I only wish lots of other people could see this.
A nice heartwarming story, but I feel like it could have been longer with more detail. You could have easily added at least a thousand more words to this but that's my take. A nice read.
2421279 Thank you very much, I honestly could but I really had no idea what to write, I just wanted to get to the heart of it really
2421296
I think you could have spent a lot more time on the flashback, taking into account of really telling the story from the perspective of Pinkie and Rainbow and really diving into their emotions, especially in Rainbow's case. What you had here merely scratched the surface and you really could have dug deeper into it.
Next time try reading through the finished product a couple of times and thinking about what you could add in the detail department. No story is perfect but that doesn't mean we can't reach for perfection.
Okay, I'm really into unusual ships (if that isn't already obvious), and pairing these two is wonderful!! I believe laughter and loyalty do kinda go hand in hand. Of course, so do all the elements. Celestia Approves!
Good story though I think this
should be different since intervene is a verb and you can't intervened so should be something like 'Dash would have beat Gilda to death, had Applejack and Twilight Sparkle not intervened.' or just replacing intervened with stopped
Too much telling and not enough showing.
2422140 How do I do that?
2421448 I honestly never noticed that before, I shall change it now
Thank you.
2421330 Really? Hmmmm...I never really thought of that before, it never crossed my mind, I really did not know where I was going with it but I tried my best
Any ideas?
2421342 NOOOOO, I would have never known that
But I'm very glad you really enjoyed it
2422499 No problem
2422499
You may have noticed someone mentioning show and tell to you. A common writing mistake is to tell the reader the events of a story or tell the reader how a character is feeling. Fiction should create an illusion of being there in the story, seeing events happen without the writer telling you. Your doing a lot of telling right now, but not a lot of showing. As a result it feels a bit rushed.
Here is an example I came across on a site a long time ago. It's not related to the story in any way but it will give you an idea.
Valek poisoned Yelena's drink with Butterfly's Dust. (Telling)
"While we're waiting, I though maybe you could use a drink." Valek handed me a tall pewter goblet filled with an amber liquid. Raising his own goblet, he made a toast. "To Yelena, our newest food taster. May you last longer that your predecessor."
My goblet stopped short of my lips.
"Relax," he said, "it's a standard toast."
I took a long swig. For a moment, I thought my stomach was going to rebel. This was the first time I drank something other than water.
"What does it taste like?" Valek asked.
"Peaches sweetened with honey."
"Good. Take another sip. This time roll the liquid around your tongue."
I complied and was surprised by the faint citrus flavor. "Orange?"
"That's right. Now gargle it."
"Gargle?" I asked. He nodded. Feeling foolish, I gargled the rest of my drink and almost spat it out. "Rotten oranges!"
He laughed. "Correct." He opened my folder and picked up his pen. "You just had your first lesson in food tasting. Your drink was laced with a poison called Butterfly's Dust. The only way to detect Butterfly's Dust in a liquid is to gargle it. That rotten orange flavor you tasted was the poison." (Showing)
It's amazing what you can turned one simple sentence into.
2422629 Wow
I seriously never even understood the differance, thank you my friend
This means a lot to me, I may have to come back to your example for future stories but I'll learn soon enough
I think there are a few points that could be improved upon or explained a little better, but as a genuine fan of emo-soap opera fanfics, I liked it.
Really heartwarming story, but I did enjoy the mixture of the genre Dark in it.
Thanks to this, this pairing has become adorable and realistic for me. I honestly always preferred FlutterXDash before this, but this story put PinkieXDash in a new light for me.
I'll definitely read your other stories, given I have the time!
2455631 I'm seriously glad that you enjoyed it,
All my stories are realistic, I just can't write rainbows and sunshines, not my talent
Gods, I did not think it would be so good it would allow you to like another pairing and give it a chance, I'm deeply honored. I myself am a huge fan of Flutter Dash but Pinkie Dash is by far my first choice, then Flutter Dash. I'm honestly hoping you like my other fics, some may seem very dark but it's how I write, I can't wait to see your options on the others I wirtten
Another story that tugs at the feels. You magnificent bastard, you.
Also...
At first I was like
— but then I was like 
2467619 I'm not so great, I just do the best I can, but I'm very glad you enjoy it.
I was honestly thinking of making a short Fluttershy/Derpy fic but I'm not sure I'll have the time woth the other fics I'm trying to write, what do you think I should do?
2467646
Derpshy isn't a pairing I see all that often, so I say go for it.
I keep forgetting you love dark stuff man.........
...... I kept in mind this was likely before Gilda's redemption in Season 5 but it still kinda hurt seeing Gilda being portrayed as being so much like a complete monster.
Edit: The ship was fun to read about BTW.