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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I was wondering why this had so many dislikes, and my confusion only increased after the first chapter: this has excellent writing. You have a tone in your writing that is really enjoyable to just read, and there weren't any noticeable grammar issues.
Then as I got further into it, I noticed some things were off: the main character is a badass, flirty with luna, and derpy's brother? This smells like a mary sue, but I didn't really care; the writing style was enough to keep me interested(and he's not too much of a mary sue: it was pretty clear that he was still about to get his ass handed to him).
Then, once again, how casual Luna acted threw me off. It was oddly OoC: she doesn't speak that way and hasn't been shown to be this casual towards anyone, not even Celestia herself. How she came to be this friendly with what is, to her, some random beefcake guard she can't have known for more than two or three years is quite puzzling.
But again, the writing style kept me hooked.
But then I got to chapter two.
And then Pinkie is a huge, disbelief-wrecking, OoC slut.
And then RANDOM SEX.
And then I wonder if this is going to be like that with every member of the mane six, and I think "probably".
And then I understand the dislikes.
And I wonder why. Seriously. Your writing style itself is fun and interesting; I feel like you could write about just about anything and still make it enjoyable.
But this story kinda jumps the gun. One minute we're reading about a badass big brother saving his sister and getting hints of political trouble, all prepping us up for an awesome adventure, and the next minute the story instantly drops everything to shove pointless clop down our throats( Literaly, in Pinkie's case). It's just so disjointed and random, while trying so hard to be badass and gritty(and seriously, isn't the guy worried about his critically-wounded sister? Whom he explicitly didn't send to the hospital? Nope! Don't care, let's fuck with this stranger instead of checking up on her.).
This could be a great adventure story if you dropped the pointless clop. This could be great clop if you dropped all pretenses of a serious story and were just up-front and honest about it.
Trying to mix the two might just be what is sinking this story.
2388778
Thanks for the feedback. As far as both the casual attitude of Luna and the random bouts of cloppiness, both of those do tie into the story, they're not just there for the sake of being there, I assure you. There IS a reason behind them both, but that reason is also a primary part of the over arching conflict, so it will be introduced slowly, in bits and pieces as the characters decipher what exactly is going on. As further chapters get posted here, (there are currently 10 more, just havent had the time to change formats and make them suitable here,) you'll see these issues addressed.
Now, I wont deceive you, the clop does continue, but as it does, I'd like you to please keep in mind one thing that is a constant during each of those scenes, one item or set piece that is always present. I dont want to ruin it for you, as it is a primary aspect, but just keep a proverbial eye out, and I'm sure you'll see it.
As far as Behemoth not seeming to be worried about his sister, he's...logical to a fault, would probably be the best way to describe him at this time. He'd been gone for quite a while, dosen't know the town, or the folks in it, and hasn't the slightest idea where to even begin looking. The choice not to have Dash take her to the hospital, again, was logical, as a group coming that hard after Derpy, and knowing she was injured, would immediately look for her there. He knew he couldn't find her without drawing attention in the process, and that there was no way he would survive a second bout like the first. So, logically, his best bet would be to trust his intuition of Dash being trustworthy, even though he barely knew her.
As before, thanks for taking the time to read and comment, and I know these first chapters can be a little jarring, but things start to make more sense as it progresses. Just remember, Behemoth doesn't know these characters, doesn't know that they're acting rash and impulsive. But you'll see, as early as chapter four, that they do know, and see it in each other. Hopefully you'll stick with it till then, three and four should be modified and ready for submission here by mid week.
Please continue this story. I am enjoying it and am anticipating the next chapter.
2393320
Thanks. I'll be submitting chapters three and four tonight or tomorrow, so they should be viewable before long.
Someone's been watching a wee bit of star trek i see
Well, THAT escalated quickly. Oh well. Good job. Love the Star Trek reference. Funny enough, watching Big Bang with Will Wheaton and the guy who did Mr Data while I read this.