- Member Since 6th Apr, 2013
- offline last seen January 5th
Big Daddy
I write. Some say I write well. I'll leave that up to you.
Big Daddy
Joined 6th Apr, 2013 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Disorderly chaos · 11k words · 159 15 · 5.2k views
- Peroth E · 376k words · 805 42 · 10k views
- Wolokai · 59k words · 465 24 · 4.9k views
- Wolokai · 31k words · 107 8 · 4.7k views
- little dashie · 32k words · 32 8 · 804 views
- Fanthrose · 391k words · 1,520 203 · 37k views
- Harmony Spirit · 104k words · 44 6 · 5.2k views
- Jacoboby1 · 20k words · 133 5 · 5.7k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.122 seconds
Total duration
925 users online
1,534,765 hits today, 2,571,732 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I was wondering why this had so many dislikes, and my confusion only increased after the first chapter: this has excellent writing. You have a tone in your writing that is really enjoyable to just read, and there weren't any noticeable grammar issues.
Then as I got further into it, I noticed some things were off: the main character is a badass, flirty with luna, and derpy's brother? This smells like a mary sue, but I didn't really care; the writing style was enough to keep me interested(and he's not too much of a mary sue: it was pretty clear that he was still about to get his ass handed to him).
Then, once again, how casual Luna acted threw me off. It was oddly OoC: she doesn't speak that way and hasn't been shown to be this casual towards anyone, not even Celestia herself. How she came to be this friendly with what is, to her, some random beefcake guard she can't have known for more than two or three years is quite puzzling.
But again, the writing style kept me hooked.
But then I got to chapter two.
And then Pinkie is a huge, disbelief-wrecking, OoC slut.
And then RANDOM SEX.
And then I wonder if this is going to be like that with every member of the mane six, and I think "probably".
And then I understand the dislikes.
And I wonder why. Seriously. Your writing style itself is fun and interesting; I feel like you could write about just about anything and still make it enjoyable.
But this story kinda jumps the gun. One minute we're reading about a badass big brother saving his sister and getting hints of political trouble, all prepping us up for an awesome adventure, and the next minute the story instantly drops everything to shove pointless clop down our throats( Literaly, in Pinkie's case). It's just so disjointed and random, while trying so hard to be badass and gritty(and seriously, isn't the guy worried about his critically-wounded sister? Whom he explicitly didn't send to the hospital? Nope! Don't care, let's fuck with this stranger instead of checking up on her.).
This could be a great adventure story if you dropped the pointless clop. This could be great clop if you dropped all pretenses of a serious story and were just up-front and honest about it.
Trying to mix the two might just be what is sinking this story.
2388778
Thanks for the feedback. As far as both the casual attitude of Luna and the random bouts of cloppiness, both of those do tie into the story, they're not just there for the sake of being there, I assure you. There IS a reason behind them both, but that reason is also a primary part of the over arching conflict, so it will be introduced slowly, in bits and pieces as the characters decipher what exactly is going on. As further chapters get posted here, (there are currently 10 more, just havent had the time to change formats and make them suitable here,) you'll see these issues addressed.
Now, I wont deceive you, the clop does continue, but as it does, I'd like you to please keep in mind one thing that is a constant during each of those scenes, one item or set piece that is always present. I dont want to ruin it for you, as it is a primary aspect, but just keep a proverbial eye out, and I'm sure you'll see it.
As far as Behemoth not seeming to be worried about his sister, he's...logical to a fault, would probably be the best way to describe him at this time. He'd been gone for quite a while, dosen't know the town, or the folks in it, and hasn't the slightest idea where to even begin looking. The choice not to have Dash take her to the hospital, again, was logical, as a group coming that hard after Derpy, and knowing she was injured, would immediately look for her there. He knew he couldn't find her without drawing attention in the process, and that there was no way he would survive a second bout like the first. So, logically, his best bet would be to trust his intuition of Dash being trustworthy, even though he barely knew her.
As before, thanks for taking the time to read and comment, and I know these first chapters can be a little jarring, but things start to make more sense as it progresses. Just remember, Behemoth doesn't know these characters, doesn't know that they're acting rash and impulsive. But you'll see, as early as chapter four, that they do know, and see it in each other. Hopefully you'll stick with it till then, three and four should be modified and ready for submission here by mid week.
Please continue this story. I am enjoying it and am anticipating the next chapter.
2393320
Thanks. I'll be submitting chapters three and four tonight or tomorrow, so they should be viewable before long.
Different. Good story. Enough mystery to keep me interested. I don't understand all the dislikes. I've read several other stories with less promise that had more likes. All I can say is keep up the good work and I hope others will come around.
For those who are voting this down how about leaving a comment for the author to at least tell them why ya don't like it!!
Now that's out of the way great story can't wait to see more .
2414112
Thanks for the comment and (I'm assuming) the like. While it would be interesting to know what spawned the negative feedback, I doubt very seriously I'll ever find out. Some folks can't even explain to themselves why they dislike something. At any rate, glad you're enjoying it, I'll try and get this posting caught up to my main in a relatively timely manner.
Heh. Another great chapter my man. I just started reading, but I think it's a-ok....All things considered. Im not one for clop, so Im skipping those scenes, sorry. All in all, great story.
2541256
Thanks for reading. No need to apologize, that particular aspect isn't everyone's cup of tea. I am actually considering going back and rewriting most of these chapters a bit, essentially changing them from 'x' rated to 'r', putting more of a focus on the story, at least as far as the posts on this site go.
not bad man not bad at all can be better but not much to really fix it it's already dam near perfect anyway
It looks as if he's going to be doing some fighting soon after all.....
Someone's been watching a wee bit of star trek i see
2688937
Indeed. Picard isn't the only one who enjoys a good cup of tea.
2688478
Heh, all I'll say is, yes. More then likely.
WOOLHOO batponies!!!
INSTA like and fav for when I'm done reading
Well, THAT escalated quickly. Oh well. Good job. Love the Star Trek reference. Funny enough, watching Big Bang with Will Wheaton and the guy who did Mr Data while I read this.
God, is he going to have sex with everything in Ponyville? Snails included?
2748820
Thanks for liking and reading. To answer your question, no, he probably wont be having sex with snails, he doesn't have a thing for gastropods. And the sheer mechanics of snail sex is mind boggling.
2749471 How, how have I not read this?
2750244I have no idea, personally, I think you must be slacking to have not read this amazing piece. It'll change your life, you know.
In all actuality though, you probably never saw it because the first few chapters were down voted like crazy, and it took a while for me to get the rest posted.
Sup? this is much easier than having to check up on it on EPFA. Have you given anymore thought to joining FanFiction.Net? I'm the guy who asked you about that a few months ago
Are you a fan of Star Trek, The Next Generation? I ask because Picard ALWAYS orders "Earl Grey, hot."
2828636
Hello again, glad to see you found me on here. Yes, even though I'm more of a Star Wars fan, The Next generation was pretty good. Mostly though, Behemoth drinks tea because its what I like. It's a little bit of good old fashioned author projection on that bit.
Yay new chapter
loved reading it
2872450
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Glad you're enjoying it as it (slowly) progresses.
Sounds like the Equestrian version of "Art of War"
A few typos.
There should be a "The" behind the "and".
It should be "Mac's", possessive.
To help the flow of the story, this should be "its... been awhile."
Behemoth is like the pony version of a Harrier! He is a living V/STOL!! (Vertical/Short Take Off and Landing)
4.bp.blogspot.com/-bjKarIIlwgk/UXXfFQ80oeI/AAAAAAAAHkw/SLMYfjn3xoU/s1600/harrier.jpg
2945030
Heh, never thought of that, but its a pretty good comparison. Not the fastest flier, not the best for air to air, or air to ground. Not very flashy or high tech, but does what it does, and does it well.
2944980
For this and the one below, thanks. Even after a proof read or two, every now an then something slips through the cracks. Thanks for catching those.
i laughed so hard ...
. Is should be "nowhere".
If he is calling one "little shit", shouldn't it be "Little Shit", because it is a name?
It should be "turned to THE few stragglers"
it should be "won't"
Like me! We call it "Diarrhea Of The Mouth"
I can honestly see why there's so many thumbs down for this story.
i1257.photobucket.com/albums/ii516/Klutzybear/mlfw5792-e8ccc1d7f.png
The grammer, spelling and the structure of the story is all so well written, that I find it surprising how bland the whole thing really is. So far we have a retired stallion named Behemoth, who apparently came to rest at Ponyville only to have Derpy Hooves - His sister- who apparently has pissed off some unknown organization.So he comes in, fights off the mob, and along with the help of a former villain, helps save the day.
Predictable, but acceptable.
He also, apparently, has the endurance of Guts from Beserker, because he doesn't say a DAMN thing about his broken ribs and busted body, especially with Pinkie Pie, who apparently has a fetish for stallions covered in blood and broken bones. ( sounds very cupcakey to me.)
Now, I don't mind that he slept with her. I just jotted that down to Pinkie being Pinkie. I mean, whose to say that loveable pink party girl, doesn't have a secret naughty side to her? God knows, it's better than the OTHER stuff she could be into. (CUPCAKES!)
Then later, after he takes a quick visit to Fluttershy and convenient bookworm, Twilight sparkle, to see his sister and get fixed up. He goes to Sweet apple Acres and then fucks Applejac- Wait. What?
You had him fuck Applejack too?
i1257.photobucket.com/albums/ii516/Klutzybear/134448088165_zpsc1af80f3.png
Pinkie I get, but this seem little TOO random for the element of Honesty. You would think one good lay would've kept him in check, but apparently mares in Ponyville need a good dicking in order to get anything done, especially in this story.
Ignoring the fact he randomly has Derpy Whooves for a sister and slept with TWO main characters within the span of 48 hours of knowing each other, he now personally knows Big Mac and is apparently an old friend of the family of Sweet Apple Acres. (Good call on the awkwardness moment of realizing Behemoth just made a big no-no with his, supposed, friends little sister.)
Then after a bit of catching up, and some more comedy exorcisim with the help of Granny Smiths walker and the CMC, Behemoth and Big Mac find some evil people waiting at his sisters home, has them killed with fiery death. He then goes back to Fluttershy's home and proceeds to fuck he-
i1257.photobucket.com/albums/ii516/Klutzybear/tumblr_ltjrlyqson1r2vdlho2_12801.png
Oh you've got to be joking me. Princess LUNA AND FLUTTERSHY?! Really?!
We have no emotional connection with ANY of these characters. The sex is there, but it's ultimately boring and very contrived after three chapters of it.
If you wanted a clop fic just make a clop fic, if you want a adventure story, then have an adventure. To have both in the story, there HAS to be a BALANCE!
The random sex just throws everything off and detracts from a story with potential! It also screams a bit like self-wish fulfillment if you ask me.
I don't even want to read further than this, because it just feels so shallow now, and that sucks, because there is potential in this story. If you want Behemoth to sleep around, like a badass, then at least give everyone some more time to develop some affection for the big lug. Even a normal relationship takes a few weeks to a couple of months to get anywhere. Focus on the adventure first, and let the sex be a dessert for later.
Sorry if it was harsh, but you might as well hear about why I thumbs down it, like you wanted.
Best parts! Also
Should be "rang out"
I laughed so fucking hard!
3336734
Glad it got a laugh, I was shooting for a bit of brevity, a last gasp of good humor. And, even though I've said it before, thank you. I can always count on you catching the errors that slip past, and I genuinely appreciate it.
3336114
Thanks for sharing your opinion. I recommend you continue reading, and do so carefully. All the aspects you mentioned tie into the story. Nothing is in this piece just for the sake of being there.
3340065 Just think of me as your Friendly Neighborhood Grammar Nazi!
She froze in mid motion, less then an inch from him, he could feel the heat of her breath as their eyes met in mirrored confusion, he twitched in response.
"What the hell-"
Her whisper was cut off by the cry from below.
"BEHEMOTH!! Come downstairs, you gotta huge package today an I wanna see!!"
Closing his eye for a moment, Behemoth heaved a mighty sigh at the voice of his beloved little sister ringing out from below. He attention was drawn back down by Luna's whisper, so faint he could barely hear it.
"Well, I don't know if I'd call it huge..."
He stared at her in silence as she tried not to smile, working hard to keep a look of critical appraisal centered on her face.
"I'd say its...adequate...decent, perhaps..."
She tilted her heads towards his erection, studying it with a jewelers precision. She gave it a little prod with a hoof, watching as it swayed slightly.
"It'll do. Maybe if we're real quiet, she wont know you're home, and we'll get to try it out."
"I know you're home, so don't try to be real quiet!"
"Ok, maybe she doesn't know you're awake...?"
"I know you're awake, too!!"
The both of them looked over the side of the bed, staring at the floor incredulously.
"And maybe shes a damn psychic..."
"I know what you're thinking, but I'm not a damn psychic. Hurry down, I wanna see whats so special about this great, big, massive, heavy package, I could barely handle it!"
With a groan Behemoth brought a hoof up to his face.
"Derpy! Verbage!!"
It was silent for a few seconds, after which her disembodied voice rand out again.
"I don't get what you...EW!!! Dag nabit, that is so not what I meant, that's not how I meant it at all, stop being gross!"
I find this entire dialogue sentence funny as fuck
Damn. Good. Chapter.
I wish that the story was going to be longer.
Should be skill-less.
This can be one word.
Fet rid of the space between "suspended" and the comma.
There should be a comma between "fight" and "eh"
This is one word.
This should be "There're more." You said "They are more".
The "o" in "of" needs to be lower case. Also, in my opinion, to help the story flow better, it should be "The recently bandaged Scootaloo clung for dear life to Big Mac's slab muscled back as he charged on." If you don't want to change it, that is fine.
This should be "smoke an' fire an'..." (Every time someone says "an" instead of "and" it should have an apostrophe after the "n"
This should be "clotheslining her"
This should be "Solstice's masterpiece ended"
This should be "lover's caress"
It should be "Behemoth's jaw"
This should be "colt's forelegs"
Should be "pain racked blue"
Should be "colt's eyes."
Should be "doll's eyes."
All the times that it is said, this should be one word.
Should be "what's"
Get rid of the "l" in "blow"
Should be "comet's"
This should be "sign of his passing being the distinctive"
You switched tenses here. It should be "there was no way"
This should be "unsurety." (Google thinks that is wrong, but Merriam Webster says it's a word.)
This is one word.
This should be "half-assed knock-off."
To flow better, it could be "She peeled away..."
Should be "updraft of vapor"
This should be "back alley." An ally is what the US was to Britain in WWII.
Should be "orange-brown"
This should be "...thought, but wasn't sure, that he saw a..."
This should be "dive-bombing"
This is one word, like "anybody"
Should be "Behemoth's attention"
There should be a comma between "Shade" and "with"
Should be "get 'em"
Should be "Knockout's path"
Replace "passed" with "past"
You accidentally hit enter between "thug" and "carrying Apple Bloom"
Change this to "razor-sharp blade"
This needs to be "Dash's eyes"
3557384
Heh, that's what I get for trying to post/edit after a 14 hour shift. Thanks for catching those.