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It's been a week since Twilight became an alicorn and a princess. While walking around Ponyville, she meets each of her best friends, but they didn't act like usual. Twilight tries to figure out what is the reason behind it, she wasn't prepared for the answer she got. How did this happen? Which would be the best way to deal with this problem?
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this looks like it will be good! also FIRST
Herds, herds everywhere.
~Hearn
Did I hear 'proofread'?
You are in need of a proofreader for this?
I don't know yet how many mistakes are there, but yeah, i'm looking for a proofreader.
>Everyone
Just looking at the title, I am having doubts about this.
Interesting. You´re only missing the Twishy group then your tags are complety. XD
I liked how we got from the 4 running away/Pinkie acting normal-normal (genius stroke right here! I also had to pause reading and scroll up when i realized with Twi why Pinkie´s normalness felt so weird. XD) to Twi getting her answers outta the mares which ends with her running away. XDDD
The Luna confession gonna be so awesome~
I suspect a Trixie to come along too and maybe a Cheerliee and a Spitfire... though that might be too much for our little bookworm to handle even if she´s an alicorn now.^^; (or just the right amount, who knows? XD)
Oh, and i liked how you made her change into an alicorn a thing in this chapter: With her problems to sleep correctly in the bed with her wings, with her slow flying and mistakes during it, her enjoying flying but also feeling it exhausting thus walking on the ground more often cause she´s used to, some ponies bwing before her and some not and ofc nopony would dare to speak against a princess of Equestria when she sells you apples.
Twi herd/harem seems to become more and more of a thing.
That or i´m just reading all Twiharem fics made the past two years at the same time.^g^
Commas after dialogue, not periods. Here's a quick primer.
HAD been
WOULD BE soon
Make this two sentences. "...ease the pain. After this..."
You don't descend 'through' stairs. You just descend them or descend through an opening.
Also should be two sentences.
Raising awareness of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome one author at a time.
Again, shorter sentences. Run on sentences are bad. I'm not going to post every single one here, but keep an eye out for them. You have entire paragraphs that are a single sentence long. It's really sapping my will to keep reading.
Having trouble saying
HIS SISTER'S
Your use of italics is inconsistent. Decide whether or not you want to use them to indicate she's thinking something to herself and stick with it.
Needs a question mark
AT five o'clock. What's with all those spaces between 'five' and 'ponies?'
Cull some of those commas, this isn't, the right way, to write a sentence, and they're unnecessary, in a lot of the places you're using them.
Bad phrasing. Try "not a single one of those things is true."
The run on sentences are the biggest issue.
Oh my god there's a lot of mistakes. definitly need a proofreader for this
2492394
Thank you a lot for that, I'm going to keep looking for mistakes that looks like those you just told me.
2492391
Twishy tag done, thanks for the comment, i wasn't planing a lot of things that you said but damn, It would be so hilarious that i'm not sure anymore.
I have difficulty with the Elements (sans Twilight) treating Twilight differently as a result of becoming an Alicorn. That's the impression that I'm getting as I read this, and if I'm incorrect, then the story needs to be edited/ rewritten to address this issue. If their feelings existed prior to this, might I suggest vignettes/ flashbacks from the perspective of the affected Element of the positive traits/ characteristics/ events that shifted their feelings into the stronger territory of love. If,for whatever reason the Alicorn Transformation of Twilight brought the realization of their feelings towards Twilight, or impacted how they feel in any way, it is information that we as the reader should be given in the story somehow, be it through the Elements enlightening Twilight regarding their feelings, privately, and why/ how her transformation was the "final straw" or Twilight confront them about their feelings individually in a private, intimate setting. But, if they're attracted to Twilight because she's become an alicorn, it makes them come across as shallow, and cheapens their feelings towards Twilight, reducing their attraction to that of merely lust, rather than any positive qualities of Twilight herself. ... Unless that's something you're aiming for in this story, otherwise, it is an issue which needs to be addressed in story, if such impression is not, in fact, the author's intentions.
2492737 I assumed it was some magical side effect of the alicorn spell?
2492774
2492737
2492774 If so, wouldn't the elements themselves have noticed a shift regarding their affections for Twilight shifting from that of friends to ...something else? Unless the spell affected their entire memories, and even perhaps their personality. Even if it had, then surely Twilight would have noticed, when their treatment of her shifts outside common accepted norms. Unless the spell was not only strong enough to affect the elements, but Twilight, perhaps even the entire space/ time reality they existed in. If such is the case, then it remains that I have a problem with magics ending up artificially affecting ponies affections towards others. It's actually in a similar vein posited by Mary Shelly's Frankenstein story, and the moral/ ethical dilemma posited by the quest for bodily resurrection/ eternal life.
I think this has potential but its a good thing you're looking for pre-readers. The big issue with this fic are small errors that a second set of eyes would help catch.
For example:
"Yesterday she hadn't meet with anyone..."
Should be:
"Yesterday she hadn't met with anyone..."
That was probably caused by typing too fast and spell check wouldn't catch it.
Not bad, a lot of mistakes but correct them and then it's perfect.
2492831
Damn man, you are thinking to much into it. Just relax and let the love do it's magic.
judging by first th first chapter, it's look interesting.
Writing is mostly solid, though I do agree with other comments about how their feelings seem to come out of nowhere and that you need some flashbacks are needed for emotional development.
Though if their feelings are due to some side effect to the whole becoming an alicorn thing then no worries.
Keep it up.
2492821 True, but we as the reader don't have the ability to have the internal information regarding your story. Things which makes perfect sense to you, may not make any kind of sense to us. And things which do not make sense to us, as humans, we desire to make sense of it anyways, however futile it may be, for a world rendered entirely senseless renders us to madness, and the detrimental psychological impact which the immersion into said senseless world renders.
i'm not going to judge your writing because i have a disorder with my speech
Still in the "New Stories" and already in the Featured box... Wait what...
Quite a few grammar errors here and there, but nevertheless I like it
this story is in the featured box?
Wow, i didn't expected that.
The title should be The Elements of... Love?
That is, if you are going for proper capitalization
Another Twiharem fic? Christmas came early, dood.
I dunno why, but I always have a soft spot for Twilight when she struggles with relationships and it makes it more juicy when she has multiple mares gunning for her, dood. Instantaneous Like and Fav, from your friendly-neighborhood Prinny dood.
Quite a few grammatical errors, and a handful of spelling errors to boot, but this certainly has potential all the same.
I think I'll be keeping an eye on it.
Intrest has been caught. I'll follow for now.
~Skeeter The Lurker
I already have 3 chapters of this story, but I need someone who can proofread this before I upload chapter 2, if someone up to it, i'm just looking for the essential, punctuation, grammar, and any other correction that he/she finds. I just want to make this story at least a 20% better.
If you need a proofreader I have the time for it
I really thought their reactions to all of them loving her would lead to............
iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/12155__safe_twilight-sparkle_rainbow-dash_pinkie-pie_fluttershy_rarity_applejack_animated_a-canterlot-wedding.gif
If you do not already have a proofreader, I am willing to do so.
2493515 I would, but finals are in just a couple weeks.
Guess I'll just tag this for later.
Seems a little rushed but still good. I'll be keeping an eye on this.
2493134 well you did (spam)post it all over... so that would probably explain it ;) as for the tagging, i came here for the twiluna but seeing all the other ship tags with twi is kind of a turn off for me.
Did someone say proofread?
If it's not the voices in my head again acting up, and someone did say proofread, may I volunteer?
She just said that Spike was acting normally, so the sentence should read,
I laughed at Derpy's scene. Getting hit in the face with a pie probably seems like a completely natural occurrence to her.
I do hope Spike is not going to be completely forgotten while the mane six all establish relationships with one another while not giving the slightest thought to all the hurt and confusion this will cause him. Rarity should especially be giving his feelings some serious consideration, or she wouldn't be the generous and compassionate friend that we know she is.
2492886 Good argument, but it's not necessary for a narrative to deliver all the information before anything confusing happens. In Jurassic Park, we didn't find out how the dinosaurs were brought into existence until dozens of pages in. All will be revealed in time.
Yay, Derpy!
Well, equines do naturally form harems with an alpha female...
(Albeit with an alpha male as well, but that's besides the point...!)
Potential. If you succeed in getting a proof-reader (which you shouldn't given the number of volenteers already!) this will be much more polished. (Eakin is right - you have the same trouble as me; big run-on sentences!)
A futher suggestion, which may or may not be of help: I find when I've written something, it's useful to let it lie fallow for a bit (overnight, a day or something or while you do something else). Then go back and read it again, and you'll pick up more mistakes than if you do it just after finishing. This is no garentee you'll catch all of them - it still took me about two passes through my local ponythread (which has been down all week, frag, I've missed it) to catch all of 'em in my story and I still found the odd one on the final just-before-publish check - but it is likely to get a few more than if you don't. Provided you have the patience to do that, of course. (I know Eakin, for one, doesn't - fortunately he's a muuch better author than me!)
If you've not read the FAQ on grammar and whatnot on this site, I also highly recommend it. I considered myself pretty good at English (I did it at A level), but I still learned a few things that I knew I struggled with (e.g. finally when to use its verses it's and usually tending towards the latter, for example.)
2493515Oooh, ooh, pick me!
Meh... Guess I'll do it.
I have already chosen my editor, let's see how it goes with him.
Thanks to all the people that volunteered to do it. Maybe if things doesn't work with my recent editor, i could ask again for some help.
Well, good on you for asking for help
The writing started to get a bit... iffy in the second half of the chapter
I liked the idea, and Her Royal Highness Princess Twilight 'naive-alpha' Sparkle is best harem... mother?
I'll assume your new editor will also do some cleaning up for this first chapter? Got to have a strong first impression. Best way to keep readers and all that snazzy jazz
I noticed a double space in the middle of a sentence and... I don't know. That sort of thing just bothers me, but it's a small thing. There's a couple tense issues, a few missed letter capitalization...
A bigger thing was that there were a lot of parts that suffered from a major case of run-on sentences. One 'paragraph' was a single sentence with about 7 commas
Do, um... do read your sentences out loud. I've found it helps find where the pauses belong, and the sentences end (unless, of course, it's a technical issues where you're accidentally typing commas instead of periods because of your keyboard). Another thing is that you can be a bit more descriptive with your words without needing to use more words. The old 'show, don't tell' sort of deal. For example,
Aside from the whole 'teleported out' sounding odd... Instead of this essentially saying absolutely everything that happens (like a play-by-play sports announcer), you could just say something like "Rainbow was the first to break the silence" or "Dash was the first one to react". The actual speech could be more of "How are we going to get out of here now?" or "Looks like we're trapped guys. Any ideas?" or even a simple "What now?"
So yeah! I wonder which way you'll go with this idea. Will it go harem route, or will Twilight go Highlander, choosing only one, or maybe you'll 'pull something out of left field'. Since I still miss the track story option, looks like I'll be adding this to favourites, for now. You'll still get my thumbs of approval (not that it means anything) and I'll be looking forward to the next chapter
oh pinkie
This feels mostly like ....wat?
Let's see what you do with it...
"TwiLuna"
It's in dat group...
Luna as well eh?
d22zlbw5ff7yk5.cloudfront.net/images/cm-44950-050f661881e7de.gif
This story is interesting to say the least. I look forward to more.
Well, if you ever DO need someone to proofread, I'm right here.
2495084How often do you think this is gonna update?