Messy Mane

When Rarity sees Fluttershy with a bad mane day, what does she do? Why fix it of course! But as she is fixing the mess, she can't help but have a strange feeling take over.

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Comments ( 8 )

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The Princess Rarity

The Princess Rarity #1 · Apr 3rd, 2013 · · ·

This was adorable. Yay for Flarity.

R4inb0w-D4sh

R4inb0w-D4sh #2 · Apr 3rd, 2013 · · ·

Awesome!

Darkskarr X

Darkskarr X #3 · Apr 3rd, 2013 · · ·

All the yays for this story ! Good job!

MrAlbum321

MrAlbum321 #4 · Apr 3rd, 2013 · 1 · ·

This was... decent. It has some good bits, like with the setup of the situation and the in-character moments.

Then again, the end feels somewhat contrived in my humble opinion. Rarity outright saying "It's not a crush, it's love" came a little sudden and deflated what could have been a solid ending. Sure, Rarity would never ignore a friend's crush on her and would indulge her friend's desires due to her generous nature, but the leap from an act of generosity to "I love you too" is a pretty big leap, and it happens within the span of a second in this story.

Also, I wonder how the story would have played out if the perspective had stayed in Fluttershy's mind instead of Rarity's. You should be careful with shifting perspectives in any kind of a story, because it has the potential to confuse the readers. After all, we started the story in Fluttershy's mind. The reader expects to stay in Fluttershy's mind unless the story gives a really good reason to accept the change in perspective to Rarity.

Sure, these are nitpicks, and I am not saying to change the entire story based on what I noticed here. This comment is purely for your information, and simply outlines my response to this story.

I do like it enough to like and favorite it, too, which I will do after posting If I had to give the story a rating, it would be a strong three out of five Flutters:

Good effort. Keep going with your writing, you've got potential.

P.S. Fluttershy would totally try to manipulate Rarity like she did in this story. Remember back in Season 1 when she cleaned the library to try and convince Twilight to give her the ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala? I like that you brought out that side of her, it's a side most authors don't touch that often.

Delicious

Delicious #5 · Apr 3rd, 2013 · · ·

I almost got a date over some ducks, but as it turns out she was a vegetarian!

Horrible pun aside, I have to agree with the guy above me (except for on the subject of PoV change, I had no problem with that.) The only problems I can think of are the ones he pointed out.

Zeyon The Green

Zeyon The Green #6 · Apr 4th, 2013 · · ·

All I can think after reading this is that Rarity likes big flanks. Heh... just one sentence in the story and it is what sticks out in my mind.

Nightsflash

Nightsflash #7 · Apr 4th, 2013 · · ·

beside the things MrAlbum321 has already pointed out, there were some minor mistakes (and my pet peeve "there" instead of "their" [...washing themselves on there own], it's like "your" and "you're", sounds the same but doesn't mean the same, could be whichever program you used to write this changed it on it's own) and the sentence "Has Rarity gone insane or something?" would be better without "or something" considering we are in Fluttershys mind again..

other than that a nice story, even if the ending is a bit rushed

Rapidpaw