A camera zoomed in on four pods as they hissed open revealing four ponies from an era of heartache and war. This is serpent squad a group of highly trained soldiers. My team from long ago most people today don't know the things we did the stuff we seen but im just rambling. My name is Gunner im the leader of my squad this is our journey please sit a spell and remember things use to be worse.
Note i am going to be editing this story so the chapters will be down for a while
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Constructive Criticism mode activate!!
First off, you've got a problem with formatting. Use quotation marks " " to show that someone is talking. You didn't do that in the beginning. For thoughts, separate them either by these ' ' or italicize them. Also remember to use commas when necessary, but I'd rather not get into that. So for example:
would become
Notice here that I first placed commas before and after 'the team's scout'. When giving a description of someone right after establishing their name, you place that description within commas.
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Next thing I noticed was pacing. The pacing is waaaaaaay too fast. I don't want to tell you how to write your story, but character interaction is key. Spend more time interacting with the environment, throw a bit of comedy in the narrative, and BAM, decent story for a beginner.
Describe the guns a bit as well, alright? Names are good, but not everyone will know what they look like right off the bat.
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Without actually sitting down and editing this, that's as far as I can really go right now. My ultimate advice is to read other stories, and not just fiction here. Read novels, fanfics from other fandoms,
clopwriting guides, and whatever else you can get your hands on! And above all keep at it.2331828 thanks for your feed back your help is greatly appreciated.
- I see a few general errors here. For example, the what's with the apostrophe after each name? And the misplaced quotation marks. The quotation marks come directly before and after the speech, not one space before or after. A little rectifying here would really help people stay on the story.
- There's repetition of ideas here. I'd suggest: After some shed tears and a moment of silence for our fallen comrade, we then walked to the lockers on the other side of the room, where there was a locker for each of us.
- I must have looked surprised because Ghost looked at me and said in a hushed voice, "What is it gunner?"
- "There are four hostiles on my E.F.S.," I told her. Notice how there's always a comma after the speech right before the verb.
What I see here is a story that needs a little more work in the fields of expounding and lengthening scenes that should've been given more attention. Like when Ghost killed those hostiles for example. Another thing I feel like this story could use is a little more... drama. You know, add some of the character's feelings into the mix, into the narration. It is in first person, after all. A good round of editing and removing those little errors and rephrasing the sentences to be more appealing would do this story loads of good.
Still... I do like the general idea. What are they, cryosleep ODST's or something?
2338061 something like that was supposed to be an experimental way for medical personnel to keep severe condition patients alive
you went way too fast
3216916 Im trying to get a speed going its mostly been trial and error i also dont have an editor yet or someone to bounce ideas off of i might re write it when i get a chance though
It's good but there's tons of spacing issues
3925219 glad you think so ill go back through and try to find them
^^, turned out quite well, I do however must comment on the speech of Nightingale/the voice in your head, you made a few errors there,
Oh and thanks for adding my OC Rain~~
Well fuck more please