Our Hero
Once upon a time in the magical land of Equestria, there lived a pony in the mean streets of Manehatten. He wasn't very important. His brother on the other hoof has over 300 confirmed kills. He is trained in gorilla warfare and the top sniper in the entire Equestrian military forces. He can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with his bare hooves. Not only is he extensively trained in unarmed combat, but he has access to the entire arsenal of the Equestrian Marine Corps and he will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable flank off the face of the kingdom, And his brother was also an alicorn to add insult to injury, with a black and red coat and mane. Badass brands covering his body with a cutie mark that should really be called a man badge.
Compared to a pony like that, he was nothing. A mud pony blank flank that does afraid of everything, even the girl of his dreams.
Bab seed had just returned from the boonies called Ponyville after the bullying got really bad, leaving him to pick up the pieces that everypony just seemed to love to break all over again. He wanted her to come back soon and to not come back to even more bullying and pain and distress. But he was a weak pony, a coward and in the end, a bully himself.
He brushed it off at first as a classic teasing of the girl you liked, it was normal for a colt to do that, right? Everypony was just helping them along, daring him for greater feats of increasingly doubtful expressions of love.
And now there he was in the classroom, right next to her. He wanted nothing but to just look at her, smiling everytime she would blow on her bangs or swish her tail over her flank. Every moment he looked he'd hope she'd look back, and for once when she did, she'd smile at him. But the way the filly looked at him...
She was scared, always scared. She puts on a brave face, laughing off the pranks he's forced to pull, silently taking the insults and jeers he throws and even the bits he steals to give to the big ponies. The act was very nearly fooling every pony else, seemingly beginning to bore them and likely pretty soon move me along to hurt somepony else. But when her eyes look to me as I look at her, the fear in those eyes are undeniable.
He... I...
She hates me and I like to think we have an understanding in that way. Because I hate me too.
The bell rang and instinctively I looked to the clock. And then behind him at the ponies keeping an eye on me. And then to the door, where within a few moments the big ponies would be there waiting for me.
I looked to Bab Seed silently coaxing her to hurry up and leave like everypony but she stayed, focused on her notebook, Distracting herself from the reality of the situation.
I understood her intent completely but what she was doing wouldn't help her any.
Yes, staying in the classroom meant no pony could touch you because of the teacher in the room. Yes, looking busy would make it seem like nopony could approach you. Yes, distracting yourself to thoughts of what is sure to come could save you a few seconds of relief.
But it won't stop what is coming.
I look to the doors and find the big ponies waiting there. If there was a window of opportunity for Babs to escape, that window is gone.
"W-What are you doin'?" I said nervously, friendly and I like to think kindly.
She froze at my voice. For a moment her body froze in terror, but slowly they relaxed carrying on scrawling on her book with her mouth as if she didn't hear me.
I looked to the door and the ponies were there, more and more of them now gesturing me to get on with it. They didn't care if I did it in front of the teacher. What becomes of me meant nothing, so long as they had their sport.
"Babs?" I said, the word coaxing her to stop. Her shoulders lifted up and down as she breathed purposefully. Up and down. Up and down. Her hooves were pressed on the desk as if readying to get up.
After a few moments she turned her head towards me and gave me a glaring stare. It had impact, as if it zapped you with the pure intensity of it. But only at first. It faltered quickly as weeks and weeks of conditioning had her fear to even look at me.
"Are they going to do something to me?" Babs said eventually, in whisper so weak that no one would hear her but me.
"No. I will." I said without hesitation. A cold frankness I never thought I was capable of.
Babs took out her school bag and rummaged through it. She took out a red velvet cape emblazoned with a rearing filly within a shield of arms. As if complying with a prisoner's final request, I helped her put it on.
She looked wonderful. Like a hero right out of a comic book. Babs took her notebook and put it into her bag. I had no doubt that the big ponies would take the chance to hurt her with it by ripping it in front of her eyes and reading what she's been writing into it.
That cloak she clung to so tightly as if it were a pony's arms holding her in embrace... She looked so small while trying to be so brave.
"I'm telling. I'm going to tell on all of you!"
The teacher looked up from his desk and looked straight towards me.
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quite impactful, I'd like to see more but it says complete, quite good though
wtf is this shit?
I don't really understand what is going on.
It switches from third to first without any break.
2292740
That's because the story is emotionally driven. The character increases in courage towards the end until he finally does something.
oh shit nigga
2292931
Aye?
That doesn't really answer to what I said, just because X is going to do Y doesn't change the fact that I do not understand what is going on in the story.
Nor does it matter that the story is emotionally driven, if I cannot understand what is going on in the narrative then I cannot have any emotional investment.
One of the problems I have is that you change from third to first person without any form of separation. This makes it confusing to understand.
U dont really have a story here, just a scene, u dont have any kind of plot, nor character development, u dont describe the setting at all, and ur protaganist is nothing more than some nameless colt who u dont even bother to describe very well. At best...I would call this the starting structure of a story.
>first paragraph is copypaste meme
lol
Considering that the above is basically a ponified excerpt of a troll copypasta, I sure hope you weren't expecting this to be taken seriously.
That older brother of his... Well it just seems to long and too blatant of a pop culture reference. References are fine in small doses, scatter around here and there. I would suggest maybe rewriting this a little bit especially since that part strikes me as it is supposed to be humerous where as the rest is serious. It just isn't blending well
2293695
Yeah I was using the mary sue trope as a point of contrast where the main character would officially be right at the bottom of the OC hierarchy. to express his lack of self confidence. As well as playing with the idea of suggesting a question of which one is the imperfect OC (just fun for me than the reader).
That way, when his confidence rises with the story, the climb is bigger than going by the normal route (which I considered but decided against because I found it boring to write since soooooo many writers have used it over and over, it'd be exchanging one copypasta for another).
Plus I wanted to see if people could be capable of ignoring their natural instinct to dismiss something because of buzzwords and tropes.
But yes... it is humorous, but mostly done for me. Glad you looked past that tho.
*hugs
Now addressing 2293204
You. NO. Narrative isn't limited to what you say. Narrative can have nothing happen, Narrative can be a "stream of conciousness" (look it up) and emotion.
Narrative just needs a beginning, middle and an end in the form of prose.
So.... stay in school kid and err...
Bitch please.
Hi there! Scribblestick the chill here. I noticed your story has picked up a few downvotes and thought I'd drop in to offer some friendly feedback, one writer to another. Let's get started, shall we?
-First Impressions-
Nothing really stood out to me until I took a closer look at the cover image. It doesn't really match the rest of your cover (description, tags, and so forth). The CMC aren't involved (according to the character tags), and it seems to me the story is set after the events of "One Bad Apple," so Babs being a bully doesn't make a lot of sense.
Everything else looks pretty good, though, so that's a plus.
-The Story-
I'm having trouble getting a sense of Babs' character. At the end of "One Bad Apple," we see her confidently stand up to a pair of bullies who easily manipulated her at the beginning of the episode, and I think some of that newfound confidence should come through. I don't really get that here.
The sudden shift from third person to first took me by surprise. The way I see it, the character is trying to distance himself from the story. Like the person who tells you about something that happened to their "friend" when it really happened to them. I can see that working as an interesting device, but it needs to be more developed. The character should take more time to switch to first, or if he slips up, should immediately try to cover it up by switching to third ("I dunked-I mean, he dunked her head in the toilet").
You mentioned that the story is "emotionally driven" and that "the character increases in courage towards the end until he finally does something." I honestly don't see this. The character doesn't do anything, not in this chapter at least (assuming the "complete" marking is wrong). He sits at a desk and talks to Babs, and I didn't really see any display of courage on his part. Maybe telling Babs that he plans on doing something to her, but isn't that really just him being too cowardly to stand up to the other bullies?
Come to think of it, what do we really know about your character? He's a blank flank and gets bullied for it, his brother is apparently the god of Equestrian warfare, and he resorts to bullying to avoid getting bullied himself. Aside from the brother, he sounds like a male version of Babs in "One Bad Apple." This is probably why I don't get much emotion from this chapter. There's nothing that really makes me connect with the character. I don't know what he wants out of life, what he's interested in (other than Babs, and that's not really developed), or what his fears are beyond bullies. He's pretty generic, overall, and I think fleshing him out will help drive the emotions.
Oh, and it's "guerrilla warfare," not "gorilla warfare." Unless that's supposed to be a ponyfication, in which case I have no idea what the connection is.
While on that subject... I really don't see the point of giving the brother this much detail, especially in your opening paragraph. It's an interesting contrast, but given how much time you spend on it, I'm initially left confused as to whether the story is about the character or his brother.
From a technical and mechanical standpoint, I didn't notice anything major. There's some punctuation stuff here or there, but nothing too distracting.
-Final Thoughts-
Meh. It's not horrible, but I didn't find anything that really grabbed me, either.
Hope this helps!
~Scribblestick, the notoriously friendly reviewer
2293904
protip-babs wasn't the main character. She is central to the plot however.
As for the Bab's newfound confidence.
Ever had that moment when you've been really inspired to do something but then find that when you actually try to do something. It ends up being harder than what people make it out to be.
Not expressly said but Babs returned to manehatten with a plan in her head. And for a moment she forgot that her situation was way worse than what people thought.
No telling her sister about her troubles was going to save her. No standing up to bullies would help any either. But in the story she clings to hope, to the meagre strength she got from the cmc.
While this main character struggles with an internal conflict of his own. Involving peer pressure, his sense of self-preservation, his own desires to help babs, etc.
2293914 I don't recall ever saying Babs was the main character.
2293922
Okay I'm going to call you out on a few things but first.
I edited my previous comment to expand upon something I was saying.
As for the OC doing something he did. The lesson of bad apple was applied with that last line of dialogue.
Now time to call you out on story conceptualising and writing theory in general.
1. the switch of perspective. Ever had that moment in a story when everything changed? When the story took a turn from something as simple as decision being made. You think something like that should be dragged out? It's the same plot device, just not so blatant.
2. OC expansion. The contrast of the sue big brother is that the OC is in fact a non-entity, an everypony. If you expand that character it defeats the point. It is a 2nd person story not told in 2nd person. Ever read a 2nd person story that describes the 2nd person in detail?
3. You seem to read too literally into prose and don't consider things like symbolism. What does the CMC cape mean when Babs wants to wear it out of nowhere? Do I as the narrator need to spell it out (I did actually)? What decision was made when the perspective changed? what does looking at the door, looking at the teacher, looking at babs mean? What did those things mean? What did the line"I'm telling!" mean? What did the last line of the story mean?
Indirect information. I refuse to spell it out on the story since it defeats the point.
You missed the point.
2293997 Point taken.
Unlikable OC. Here, have another dislike.
I'll always up vote obvious trollfics.
7339693