- Member Since 22nd Nov, 2012
- offline last seen Sep 9th, 2018
Random Gamer
I'm a gamer that loves to play and understand how games work. I (still) refuse to get an editor, even after four years on the site, so you could say I'm a bit stubborn. And sometimes funny.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Its a cute idea, the whole idea of half life mixed with mlp. But, i find it to be too cluttered, either i dont know whos talking or i just dont care.
But its a good idea, hopefully you can make something out of it.
3474298 Thanks. I'll have another look at it and try to make it more understandable. It's mostly dialogue, though and I want it to stay that way. I'm not good with descriptions.
Thanks again for making it to the end of the story.
3474330
No prob, and i totally respect your way to write. Dont change it if you dont wanna.
Sorry for the late review. Procrastination happened.
Anyways, here it is.
Grammar score: 6 out of 10
Not bad but there were some easily noticeable errors in the chapters. it could use work.
Not enough detail in the chapters. For instance in the first chapter you don't even mention what the ponies look like, their gender, ect. Not much detail at all really.
The story was quite confusing to me. Everything is kind of cluttered and disjointed. I couldn't really follow the story well due to not knowing who is who. You just threw random names in there and gave them lines.
Another thing it the fact that "I" don't care that I have just been transported to a different reality. I am just like, meh, is cool. No freaking out, no questioning how I got here, nothing.
Random acronyms that I don't know. Stop it please. I would like to know what you are talking about and what it looks like before you start abbreviating its name.
Overall I thought the story was poor. 3.5 out of 10
Characters didn't have as much development as I would have liked. They felt flat.
You need to tell me what things look like because I don't know. You didn't describe nearly enough.
Work on your flow. You need to connect your story together better. This will come when you describe more.
Another thing you might hear is "show vs. tell" you need both but you seem to have a lot more telling than showing.
I don't mean to sound like a egocentric person but if you want to read a story that has many details as an example, read my story, Facility 0013.
Please enjoy your review, don't hate me, and don't delete almost two hours of work spent reviewing.
Thank you for your review, I'll try to add more details but first, let me point out a few things :
1.In my honest opinion, the acronyms are perfectly undertstandable by people who know about the Half-Life universe. It's tagged as a crossover for a reason.
2. The story follows two misjoined storylines which connect at some points. To be more precise, there are two groups of characters, the main who's trying to get out and the second one that's doing everything to help them. For example, chapters 1a and 2 have a completely different group of characters.
3. The fact how the main character was transported is not a plot hole, but a part of the plot the story didn't reach yet and even though the character did respond to being transported to a different universe, he quickly found out he's not going back so easily, moved on and did like he was told. I though that was clear enough.
As for the character development... So far, it's only the fifth chapter and I don't think dedicating a whole chapter to character development or any other character aspect is a good idea since near-immiediate action is required of them. While I know you wanted to know more about the characters, you can't expect an artist to show you the whole portrait before it's painted. Since I'm not good with descriptions, I want actions to paint a picture of how the characters look and act. As a fan of Asimov's works, I kinda like the mostly dialogue-based structure.
3492007
1: But the point remains that "I" was never told anything. I just immediately knew what the abbreviations were for everything. All I am saying is to spell out the full name a couple times of before you say abbreviate it. And of course describe it. Then you can use acronyms.
For instance: Civil Protection units from chapter 1a there is no transition from "Civil Protection unit" to "CP" you just start calling them "CPs". And most importantly, the only way you described them was with the words "soldier" and "gun". Also the fact that you have the [crossover] doesn't mean that you can just get away with using acronyms like that. The story should make some sense to someone who doesn't have experience with the movie/show/game.
2: While that may be true, I felt there was still the issue of faceless ponies running around talking to other faceless ponies. That makes it hard to follow no matter what your plans are. And like I said the disjointed part will come together when you fix other parts of your story.
3: I don't care if you have been ordered to suck it up by a princess. A regular pony will not react that uncaring about his situation. He goes from "I am a medical student!" to "I can assassinate ponies and take their clothes!" in a few chapters. That lack of emotion makes "me" fall flat. "I" would be scared, confused, shocked, I wouldn't know what a gun is, I wouldn't be able to kill ponies, I would beg them to help me get home, I wouldn't want to go outside near the "CPs", the list goes on.
I have never read any of Asimov's work. However, I can say that characer development starts simply from the words
See how that brings a picture and a voice to your mind?
Faceless pony that killed a "CP". I don't even know if it is a mare or a stallion with an unfortunate name.
Narration is essential for a good story. Just check out a highly rated story and you will see a mixture of dialogue and narration. Too much of either one makes a poor, boring story.
Sorry for tearing your story apart like this. But if no one ever gives you an honest review, how can you improve?
Also note: Don't forget to reply to my comment so I know that you responded.
3492287 I value your honest review even though it clashes with some themes I wanted to keep in the story. I'm not a fan of long descriptions that turn your attention from the action going on, but I agree that it does need more character development and a description of the characters. I also agree that the main character changes his "ways" too quickly. As for the acronyms, I think I'll do it your way.
3492754
I once again apologize for tearing your story to pieces and wish you luck with improving your writing skill.
3492831 Thanks a lot.
I real lost in story? and will be mane 6 and the elements of harmony or no they weren't born
Is this a Bioshock reference?
4015441 Yep.
You're fine with references, aren't you?
long jump module created expressly for navigation in "the world beyond"