A side story to this
In the land of ponies, someone murders...
Cover art by VelvetRedBullet of DeviantArt.
Pre-read by sliceydicey
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 22nd Nov, 2012
- offline last seen Sep 9th, 2018
Random Gamer
I'm a gamer that loves to play and understand how games work. I (still) refuse to get an editor, even after four years on the site, so you could say I'm a bit stubborn. And sometimes funny.
Random Gamer
Joined 22nd Nov, 2012 ·
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I feel like I have seen something like this before...
Is this a reference of something?
4340175 The name is a reference to Clockwork Orange, but the story has no connection to it, just the names are similar.
Okay. Before I even read the description, I have already lost some interest. A cover image is the first thing you see, sometimes even before the title; not having one is asking to be ignored. You must try to have coverart that stands out on the front page.
As for the description, I think you could have done a bit more, but at the same time, I was slightly intrigued as to why it was so short.
Now, moving on.
Technical Errors
*Cut the comma.
*against
*While you used the “dash” properly. (Well, in fact.) I thought I would mention that that is not a dash—it is, in fact, a hyphen. Unspaced em dashes (like I just used) and spaced en dashes are generally accepted – as I will demonstrate; please only use one kind in any one story, though. A double hyphen can also be used as an em dash, but it is considered lazy and looks poor. It’s a fairly simple fix, really. Assuming your keyboard shortcuts are the same as mine, I will give you both kinds. Hold Alt and press 0151 for an em dash; hold Alt and press 0150 for an en dash.
*No comma necessary.
*Time
*mirror
*my => the
*done => did
*send
*amongst
*This sentence sounds wrong. If you say it out loud, you can hear that “I” appear to be “closing in” and “walks” into a dead end. This sentence would need to go through some minor editing.
*hoofprints
*Space before “The.”
*Comma before “and.”
*Comma before “and.”
*Comma before “and.”
*Comma splice. Either change the comma to a period or a semicolon.
*satisfaction
*Cut the comma
*caught
*as many
*First period should be a comma
*Cut the extra space before the second period
*Cut the comma.
*Comma before “and.”
*Period should be a comma.
*An ellipsis is always three periods.
Style
This is a viewpoint slip. If “I’m” deaf to her cries, how can “I” hear her screams? You should probably have said something along the lines of “I see her mouth open, but no sound comes out.” That’s a really, really bad example, but you get the idea.
“Leaving” is a misplaced modifier. Basically, put it at the beginning of the sentence and it’ll be fine.
“I” thought “I” was doing her a favor, right? “I” thought “I” was helping her? Why is she “poor”? You should be describing her differently.
This is a viewpoint slip. “I” can’t see myself without a mirror. You drifted a bit into third person.
Here is another viewpoint slip. You can’t know what the other pony is thinking.
This line is a bit telly. You could have done this with dialogue and actions and such, instead of blatant exposition.
Plot Holes
There was really only one. And that one was the last paragraph. How did he get a knife into the prison? It’s not like they would miss something like that, and I’m pretty sure that a unicorn with a metal-detecting spell is there, as well. (Or something.)
Overall.
You still have some pretty basic errors: misspelled words, misplaced commas, ect. Technical-wise, you have quite a few errors for such a short story.
Regardless, I think you did well on this story. You had some nice characterization, some good madness, and you didn't focus on the gore; you focused on the effect on the pony. You win an upvote, but I still wasn't . . . hmmmm. I'm going to try to say this without sounding mean.
It was a good attempt with good in it, but there were too many distractions for me to really enjoy it.
4344099 Yeah, was thinking of adding a cover, but finding a bloodied pocket watch or clock appears to harder than I thought.
Moving on to the rest - God dammit, I didn't see that I had so many errors in this. Fixing immediately.
Umm... It's supposed to be written from the perspective from the main character, who is both the narrator and the antagonist.
I tried to be vague a lot, giving almost no names or explanations, but I have to admit I kinda let the part about the knife slip. That being said, this gonna get fixed too.
Once again, thanks for you review.
4346308
No problem.
Though this part doesn't make sense to me. I know this. Where did I display confusion over this? If it's because I said "viewpoint slip," that is because you lost his perspective while writing some sentences.
4346881 Oh, just noticed what you meant by that. Fixed the story's technical errors, filled the plot holes and corrected the styling stuff. Should be more consistent and less troublesome to read now.