Eye see problems
Imamu let Zecora cry for a little but the moment didn’t last long.
“Adanna!” he said a little louder than the way he usually talked, but not loud enough to make it seem like he was shouting or that he was angry.
“I was just so worried,
That if we had not hurried,
That Apple Bloom...
Apple Bloom is she alright?”
“Take a look for yourself,” Imamu moved aside and the now filly sized Zecora ran towards Apple Bloom.
She found the little pony passed out and glowing softly. Her mane and tail were red, as they have always been, but, her coat was still white and covered with dark yellow strips. Zecora opened her right eye, it was orange, she let out a sigh of relief.
“So far so good.”
Then came the left. While she was sharing the body with Zecora, her left eye had changed from her normal orange to a mixt between blue and a dark cyan. The zebra filly took a deep breath and opened her eye hoping to find that it had returned to her natural color, it did not, but it was also not like before.
“Ooo...” Imamu said bending over to take a closer look at her eye. “Heterochromia, interesting,”
To their surprise Apple Bloom’s eye was still blue, for the most part, in the middle of the iris a little bit of orange returned radiating outward like a miniature sun in a clear blue sky.
“Is she going to be fine,
Even if that eye’s still mine?”
“Hmm... I think it will pass. But we have something else to deal with now.”
“What else is wrong?
Kirabo is still standing strong,
….
But then there is Spike,
His injuries I do not like,
They seem to be great indeed,
But he does not seem to bleed.
His eye we can replace,
And just in case,
For him a new tail,
We can grow without fail.
His wounds will heal,
So that now a big deal.
Then I must acquire,
What pray tell is so dire?”
Imamu was looking at her.
“What? Please tell me,
What is it I cannot see?”
“Well, in case you haven't noticed you are a filly.”
“I am a filly?
Imamu do not be silly,
I am a full grown mare,
…
What’s with that glare?”
“You really cannot see? Okay then, go pick the filly up and lets go and treat Spike.”
Zecora walked over to Apple Bloom with the intention of picking the now unconscious filly up and placing her on her back, but, to her surprise she found that she was roughly the same size as her, if not a little bigger.
“I know you modified the spell and all,
But why Imamu am I so small?” Zecora asked taking the whole turning into a filly thing pretty well.
“As you said I did modify the spell, but I do not know why you are like that.”
Imamu had indeed taken some 'liberties' when casting the spell, but apparently the resulting tweaked version was a lot more different from the original than he had originally thought.
While the ingredients were all present, the manticore venom and the ursa tears being by far the most important, and the magical circle that was required to channel the spells energies was drawn correctly, there were plenty of things that he changed. First, as Apple Bloom told Spike, the ritual should have been performed before the sun went down, since that had proven impossible, Imamu had to improvise. He trapped a few rays of sunshine into a crystal and used them as guidelines, but the truth was that the spell was powered by moonlight and not by sunlight, as originally intended, and while the two celestial bodies seemed very similar when it came to the sort of magic they emitted, they couldn't be more different than... night and day. And secondly, there were those green bolts of lightning that he did account for, those, he thought were the main reason for Zecora’s current form.
“But do not fear, I will make you something and you will be good as new in a week or so.” He paused a large smile crept onto his face. “Unless you want to remain a filly a little longer.”
bonus image by princess-of-gen0via (used without permission) - i think tumblr does not like me
Twilights gonna freakout when she sees spike.
Well, Zecora has to make a hard choice, but I am sure she will listen to her inner voice.
Yay I was completely wrong she is alive!
2657717 sorry to disapoint,
want the character you care for to suddelinly die? Read Game of Thrones
And Spike never took A day off ever again.
THE END
Jokes aside keep up the good work can't wait to see where the story will be heading! Oh and also Twilights face if she finds out about this!
Can filly Zecora stay in the Everfree forest alone?
if she can not who will she stay with? Imamu? Twilight? Fluttershy? or the Apples?
Is the good ship SpikeyBloom ready for deep water? and what will Rarity think?
Next Time On Black Sun Z!
Hey there! Scribblestick the Chill on behalf of WRITE to review your story. Let's get started, shall we?
Before I delve into the story, I should mention that I won't be doing a complete grammar purge nor a full listing of every mistake I find, as that would be exhausting. It looks like you're aware of the help the first few chapters needs, so I'll leave that up to you.
-Chapter 1-
For the most part, I thought this was pretty good. It was an interesting way to introduce the main problem the mane six are facing--increasing amounts of evil--as well as AJ's explanation. I would have liked to see more specifics, particularly on the things that have happened since Twi's ascension. Sure, future episodes would cause problems, but that's still a ways off, and I'd like to hear about some of these struggles they're having.
The other thing that bugged me about this chapter is that it didn't feel like it went everywhere. They've been talking about all their problems and battles, and it would have been nice to have that go somewhere other than "interesting theory."
The other problem I noticed was with some punctuation and phrasing. Let's take a look at your opening:
Corrections are in red. This is by no means the worst punctuation I've seen, but sometimes (particularly in that last case), incorrect punctuation makes it hard for the reader to understand what you're trying to say.
Let's look at another sentence:
Dash says this to AJ after walking to the farm for some cider. The phrasing "did not" sounds odd and formal and doesn't fit Dash's voice. This is an odd thing for her to say anyway, since she has lived in Ponyville for a while and should know how far it is to the farm.
The comma after "fine" should be a period because what follows isn't attributive (Dash said, or something along those lines).
There are some tense shifts (past to present).
This sounds more like something Rarity would say.
-Chapter 2-
In my opinion, it's better not to put thoughts in quotation marks. Otherwise, it looks like they are spoken and not thought. Also, you don't need to start a new paragraph between thought and dialogue.
Other than that, I thought this chapter worked pretty well. I thought Spike's emotions swung too quickly at times, but I thought you did a good job of establishing Spike's relationship with Twi as well as his growing concern for her well-being.
That's all I have time for now. Looking forward to the next few chapters, where I expect things will get a lot more interesting.
~Scribblestick, WRITE's notoriously friendly reviewer
2662135
I have looked at the mistakes you pointed out and did some of the corrections.
I do not want to seem disrespectful or that I don't appreciate you spending your time looking over my story, but allow me to explain some of the things. (I probably wasn't clear enough in the story)
People sometimes change the manner in which they speak when they are annoyed, ironical or drunk.
mememaker.net/static/images/memes/377851.jpg
She was tired and when you are tired and even short distances tend to seem long.
Regarding the quotation marks for thoughts.
This is how I write it. You will see a little later why I do that, and I think that the italics should be enough to distinguish between something that is supposed to be thought or said with with a inner voice and something spoken out loud.
I eagerly await the rest of your review.
2662225 No worries. I've missed things before.
Phew... everything is okay... but what caused that lightning bolt? And what attacked them, and why?